WHATOSAY

Practical Things to Say and Do When Someone Dies

Keep it Simple

Oh no, a friend I know just died. My heart is on the floor. Tears sting myeyes. What can I do? What can I say? How can I help? The death of a friend orrelative puts the brakes on to our busy world. We have an urgent need to “DOSOMETHING----ANYTHING!” We find ourselves wringing our hand, afraid wemight cause more hurt. Not knowing how to show our love and concern, we may optfor doing nothing rather than “intruding on their grief.” I’d like to share somethingimportant with you. Survivors tell me it helps so much to have others reach out tothem. Most of them are very glad you cared enough to try.For over twenty one years, I listened to people share their hurts andfrustrations as they journey through the mourning process. I volunteered with FoxValley Hospice for five years and supported bereaved families as the BereavementCare Director at Conley Funeral Home in Elburn, Illinois. I looked for ways to helpthem concretely express their grief. When I followed up on them at regularintervals in the year following the death, the bereaved told me the BEST thing aperson can do for someone they care about is simply: BE THERE---period! Youdon’t have to say or do a thing.Survivors tell me over and over how a hug or heartfelt handshake isremembered more than any words. Even though we know we don’t really need to sayanything, we still would feel more comfortable if we had a thought or two in ourback pocket—just in case. From my reading and experience with “those who havebeen there” I compiled a list of helpful thoughts. You can also write words similarto these on a card going off in the mail. The thoughts are short and simple.Survivors have so much to think about that many times it is difficult for them to beaware of what is happening around them. It is best to keep comments brief. At theend of the article, there is a list of hints on what not to say. Survivors shared withme that hearing these things from those who came to comfort can actually causemore hurt and confusion. Helping people is one of the things life is all about. So goto your friend with confidence, knowing that your presence will bring comfort, evenif your words are not remembered.

WHAT TO SAY

The best advice I ever received when trying to think of something to saywhen there really wasn’t anything to say was, “Simply say what you are feeling.” Tryto put into words the pain and loss you are feeling your self rather than assumingwhat the other person is feeling. Let the survivor express his thoughts and feelingsto you first. This gives him a sense that you are really listening and trying to

understand. After you listen you will have a better understanding of how torespond. The following suggestions can be put in your own words.

•

What a tragedy this is for you and your family.

•

I heard about what happened and just had to come

•

I hate it that this had to happen.

•

How terribly hard this must be for all of you.

•

I feel so bad about all the suffering (Name) had to go through.

•

I was just shocked when I heard the news.

•

I can’t imagine what you are going through.

•

My heart hurts for all of you.

•

Tears came to my eyes when I read the obituary.

•

I feel just terrible about what happened.

•

What an awful loss to our community.

•

There’s a big hole now in my life.

•

The world will never be the same without (Name).

•

(Name) had such a great smile, personality etc. I will really miss him/her.

•

I enjoyed working together with (Name). He always made the tasks easier,more fun etc.

•

(Name) had such a wonderful way of making everyone he met feel special.

•

I’m going to miss (Name) so much.

•

I remember when…(happy memory here)

WHAT TO DO

Nature provides a wonderful, natural “tool” to help the bereaved get throughthe first hours and days after the death of someone they love. It’s called shock.When our friends are in shock, they find it difficult to think and feel. The day today necessities of life are difficult to handle. When you are looking for ways tohelp your friend, be practical. The following list will need to be adapted accordingto the friendship you have established with the family. You will need to use yourown thoughtful discernment regarding the appropriateness of these suggestions.WHEN YOU FIRST HEARDetermine whether the family would appreciate a call from you at this timeor just a thoughtful little note tucked in their door saying how much the family is in your thoughts since you heard the news. In the note, you can offer severalsuggestions for helping the family our, such as:

•

Washing the cars inside and out.

•

Answering the phone.

•

Polishing shoes

•

Keeping track of children, driving them to lessons etc.

•

Gathering information, (flight plans etc.)

•

Picking up relatives from the airport

•

Grocery shopping or other errands

•

Caring for pets

•

Bringing over snacks and/or a meal

•

Staying at the home to receive gifts of food and/or flowers, recording whothey are from

PREPARING FOR VISITATION

GIFTS

•

Rather than sending cut flowers to the funeral home, why not send a plantthat can be replanted outside to your friends’ home?

•

Choose a picture frame, figurine or piece of jewelry in memory of the lovedone to give to your friend.

•

Prisms that make rainbows throughout the room when the sun shines make alasting gift of hope and beauty.

•

Monetary gifts made to the designated memorial funds are greatlyappreciated.

•

Make up “quiet bags” for the young children. At visitations kids don’t havemuch to do. They don’t enjoy talking with relatives. You will be a hero tothem and their parents if you provide a little relief. Buy a few inexpensivequiet toys for them to play with during those long hours. (Pad of paper andpencil, a small stuffed animal to hold for comfort, magnetic games or quietcontained puzzles, white boards.

•

Make a memory book of blank pages that friends and family can fill in for avalued keep-sake. Ask people you see at visitation or at the luncheonafterwards to write their thoughts and memories. Make a pretty cover forit or use a fun photograph.

•

Make a photo album of photos of you and your friend. Everyone appreciatesphotos of their loved ones.

SERVICES TO OFFER

•

Offer to “house sit” during the visitation hours or the funeral where you cananswer the phone and door. Keep good messages.

•

Offer to coordinate the luncheon.

•

Offer to clean up after the luncheon.

•

Offer to sit with small children during the funeral at the funeral.

ATTENDING THE VISITATION