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The Sodomite
By Matt Cook May 2011
The courtroom was large and imposing. I took that as a good sign. There’ssomething about ‘officialness’ that puts the heart at ease. That’s why mobs are so scary, Ithink. No head. No authority. No constitution. It’s amazing what a piece of paper or anemblem can do to make things civilized, eh?So I didn’t really feel nervous. There was no jury, just a section behind me for thespectators. I figured that was a good sign, too. I never liked the idea of being judged bymy peers. My peers are idiots.The judge (I assumed he was a judge) was reading through the book they gave himwhen they brought me in. By this time I figured out what was going on. I was in a parableor pointed short story or something like that. The prosecution was the devil. He wasgoing to bring up a list of all the sins I did. But the judge would look at them and saysomething about his son having already erased those and I’d be set free. Or else the judgewould condemn me guilty and sentence me to death, but then he’s take off his robe andtake my place. Or some other, wittier version of the same story. Either way, I knew I’d beout on the streets soon. Everyone knows how these things go.The judge was reading for a long time. I guess that helped for the dramaticemphasis. You don’t want to give away the ending, just in case the reader was new to thefaith and hadn’t seen it play out this way. I put on airs of concern, just for the audience’ssake. Best to let the readers think I was sweating, despite my righteous confidence.He cleared his throat. The bailiff nudged me and I stood.“The charge,” the judge read, “is thus: The defendant has taken the sacred name of God in vain.”That was a bit of a surprise. “Really? I’m so careful about my words, your honour.I can’t remember any time that I’ve used God’s name as a swear word.”The judge opened his mouth to speak, then closed it. He looked at me with hismouth open a little and an eyebrow raised. He looked confused. “A swear word?”
 
“I guess I shouldn’t be saying anything, eh? You probably know better than me.But I always tried really hard. I guess I might have said ‘oh my g-o-d’ back when I was inhigh school.”The judge took off his glasses and gazed at me, as if not quite sure I was reallythere. “Are you taking this seriously, sir? Because if this is a joke, it’s in bad taste. I justcharged you with taking God’s name vainly.”I shrugged. “Sorry. I just can’t remember doing that.”“I’ll remind you, then. When someone asks what label you attach to yourself, whatdo you say?”I shrugged. “I say I’m a Christian. I’m a follower of God.”The judge gestured with his hand as if to say ‘see?’“I don’t understand...”“Most of your life you identified yourself with God. But this court contends thatyou did it vainly. Uselessly.”“What?”“You labelled yourself as something sacred and did not live according to yourlabel.”“Wait,
that’s
not what that verse means! Who’s writing this?”“What, you thought it was written to encourage people to speak politely?”I wasn’t feeling so good at this point. I kept my mouth shut as he proceeded.“The first exhibit of evidence: the defendant is habitually guilty of 
PeccatumSodomiticum
.” I figured this was a big deal by the way the spectators groaned and shooktheir heads.“Say what?” I asked.The judge flipped through some papers. “Sodomy.”“Dude!”“Excuse me?”“I ain’t gay!”“I should hope not. This is a serious case and levity does not serve here.”“No! I mean I’m not homosexual!”
 
Again I got that confused look. “You are not accused of being a homosexual, sir.Your behaviour is very erratic. This court will not be sympathetic if you plead insanity.”“I’m so very confused.”“Let me enlighten you. For most of your life you have been living in
PeccatumSodomiticum
. That is, you have been committing the sin for which the ancient city of Sodom was overthrown. You have enjoyed luxury and excess of food, and yet you haverefused to aid the needy.”“But... but... God killed them because they were gay.”“I doubt God has ever killed anyone for being happy.”“No! They were homos! Homosexuals. That’s why God killed them! That’s whatthe Bible says.”The judge sighed. “You may want to revisit that book, sir. It was the wealth mixedwith the greed of Sodom that overthrew it. That’s what the sin of Sodom is. That’s whatSodomy is. Therefore, you are charged with being a Sodomite.”“I gotta say,” I said. “Shouldn’t you be using language a little more analogically? Imean, everyone thinks that sodomy is butt-sex.”“Fine, you are charged with being a wealthy, blood-sucking brat who complainsthat he didn’t get enough drumsticks in his KFC bucket while most people in the world arenot getting enough calories in their diet to facilitate healthy bowel movements. You arecharged with throwing out food because you don’t like it while babies die because theirmothers cannot eat enough to nurse them. You are charged with defecating in tanks of clean water while children waste away and die of thirst. In brief, the sin of Sodom.” 
There’s no subtlety in this story 
, I thought.
That’s where the author is going wrong.I get his point, but he’s not going to reach anyone with this heavy-hammer approach.
The judge pick up his papers and put his glasses back on. “The defendant hascommitted the following offenses against the firstborn son of God: Pretended he waschecking his watch while the son of God was asking for change on the street. Ducked outof a conversation because he was turned off by the son of God’s poor social skills.Employed the son of God in a sweat shop-”“Say what?”
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