Chris Rock Jokes
Born February 7, 1965, in Andrews, South Carolina, Rock got his start on
Saturday Night Live
I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their pursestighter, hold onto their mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartmentsI pass, I can see old ladies on the phone. They've already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for meto do something wrong.You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusingthe U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want togo to war, and the three most powerful men in America are namedBush, Dick, andColon. Need Isay more?Ever see a list of the richest black people in the country? Oprah's on there. Cosby. MichaelJordon. Magic Johnson. Tiger Woods. Movie stars. But you can't get past number eight withoutrunning across a brother who just hit the Lotto jackpot last week.Bush lied to me. They all lied to me. "We gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerouscountry on Earth, they're the most dangerous regime in the world." If they so dangerous, howcome it only took two weeks to take over the whole f***ing country? S**t. Man, you couldn'ttake over Baltimore in two weeks.My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She hascoupons for coupons.My mother was real cheap. Okay,
She would never pay a bill on time. "If they ain'tcutting it off, I ain't paying." She would say, "The first bill is a suggestion. If they really wantyou to pay it, then they'll come and tap on your window." Her whole philosphy of life was: if youdie owing money, then you've won.Gun control? We need
I think every bullet should cost $5,000. Because if a bulletcost $5,000, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders. That'd be it. Every time someone getsshot, people will be like, ''Damn, he must have did something. S**t, they put $20,000 worth of bullets in his ass.'' People would think before they killed somebody, if a bullet cost $5,000.''Man, l would blow your f**king head off, if l could afford it. l'm gonna get me another job, l'mgonna start saving some money, and you're a dead man! You better hope l can't get no bullets onlayaway.'' So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you won't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back. ''l believe you got my property.''People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, "Red meat will kill you"? Don't eat nored meat? No, don't eat no
meat! If you're one of the chosen few people in the world luckyenough to get your hands on a steak, bite the s**t out of it!