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Chris Rock Jokes

Chris Rock Jokes

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Published by Dennis Ogembo Obel
humor
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Published by: Dennis Ogembo Obel on Jun 07, 2011
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02/13/2013

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Chris Rock Jokes
 Born February 7, 1965, in Andrews, South Carolina, Rock got his start on
Saturday Night Live
.
I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their pursestighter, hold onto their mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartmentsI pass, I can see old ladies on the phone. They've already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for meto do something wrong.You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusingthe U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want togo to war, and the three most powerful men in America are namedBush, Dick, andColon. Need Isay more?Ever see a list of the richest black people in the country? Oprah's on there. Cosby. MichaelJordon. Magic Johnson. Tiger Woods. Movie stars. But you can't get past number eight withoutrunning across a brother who just hit the Lotto jackpot last week.Bush lied to me. They all lied to me. "We gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerouscountry on Earth, they're the most dangerous regime in the world." If they so dangerous, howcome it only took two weeks to take over the whole f***ing country? S**t. Man, you couldn'ttake over Baltimore in two weeks.My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She hascoupons for coupons.My mother was real cheap. Okay,
 practical.
She would never pay a bill on time. "If they ain'tcutting it off, I ain't paying." She would say, "The first bill is a suggestion. If they really wantyou to pay it, then they'll come and tap on your window." Her whole philosphy of life was: if youdie owing money, then you've won.Gun control? We need
bullet control!
I think every bullet should cost $5,000. Because if a bulletcost $5,000, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders. That'd be it. Every time someone getsshot, people will be like, ''Damn, he must have did something. S**t, they put $20,000 worth of  bullets in his ass.'' People would think before they killed somebody, if a bullet cost $5,000.''Man, l would blow your f**king head off, if l could afford it. l'm gonna get me another job, l'mgonna start saving some money, and you're a dead man! You better hope l can't get no bullets onlayaway.'' So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you won't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back. ''l believe you got my property.''People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, "Red meat will kill you"? Don't eat nored meat? No, don't eat no
 green
meat! If you're one of the chosen few people in the world luckyenough to get your hands on a steak, bite the s**t out of it!
 
The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here.We got so much food in America we're allergic to food.
 Allergic
to
 food!
Hungry people ain'tallergic to s**t. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a f**king
lactose intolerance?!
White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population, and 90% of the FinalFour.A man is only as faithful as his options.I mean, they don't grade fathers. But if your daughter's a stripper, you f***ed up.A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.You know the worst thing about n****rs? N****rs always want credit for some s**t they
 supposed 
to do. A n****r will brag about some s**t a normal man just does. A n****r will saysome s**t like, "I take care of my kids." You're
 supposed to,
you dumb motherf**ker! What kindof ignorant s**t is that?! "I ain't never been to jail!" What do you want, a cookie?! You're notsupposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherf**ker!You don't pay taxes. They
take
taxes.Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used togo to.A black C student can't do shit with his life. A black C student can't be a manager at Burger King, meanwhile a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judgin' thesingin. Paula Abdul?! Gettin' Paula Abdul to judge a singin' contest is like gettin' Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and PenelopeCruz.I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have anexcuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.That s**t wasn't about race. That s**t was about fame. If O.J. wasn't famous he'd be in jail rightnow. If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn't even be O.J. He'd be Orenthal the bus driving murderer.
 
If a woman tells you she's 20 and looks 16, she's 12. If she tells you she's 26 and looks 26, she'sdamn near 40.Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually?Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Everyclub you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't
really
old, just a little too old to be in theclub.
Men want three things in life. Food, sex, and silence. So feed me, f**k me andshut the f**k up!
They don’t want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn’t vote on a Tuesday. In November. Youever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, "If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl!"
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