Is it even possible? That someday love will loosen its grip on me? Until she’sonly a memory, not a drug I have to have? It’s too hard to imagine, and it’s the onlyoption I have left.If I can do that for her, Lucinda will live a long and healthy life. She’ll dosomething she’s never done before: She’ll die old. She will love and blossom and findhappiness. All these things she’s never known before. All without me.It’s too late now, but it won’t always be. I have already begun the preparations for our next encounter seventeen years down the road.How to save her. How to pull away.Yesterday, I went to a meeting.There was a flyer on the bus stop at the corner of Grand and Calgary:
TwelveSteps to Overcoming Your Addiction.
I was strung out and jittery after five hours of notseeing her.
. It was all I could do to wait for her to get home from school so Icould take her in my arms and— Hold back. Because I always have to hold myself back. The moments when Ihaven’t have been the moments when she died. As soon as I kissed her, as soon as I didwhat I felt I was
to do, she was taken away from me.Love. Vanishing. Into thin air.I know all of this
but it has never gotten easier to control.So I memorized the address on the flyer. I got on the bus and I traveled somedistance and I got off. I walked into the dim, low-ceilinged room in the annex of achurch. I sat on a hard folding chair in a small circle of grim-faced strangers. When it was
Copyright © 2010 Tinderbox and Lauren Kate.