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Table Of Contents

Preface
Introduction
You and Your Partner Can Become a Super Couple
Your Journey with Your Partner, and It’s Growth or Stagnation
Take This Book With You On Your Journey
To Change or Not to Change? This is the Question
The “Blame Trap” and Who Should Change?
Love Alone Is Not Enough, but It Helps
A Man and a Woman in an Intimate Relationship
Gender Training
Egalitarian Relationships
How Your Relationship Can Change
Do It Yourself or With Your Partner, Either way
The A, B, and C’s of Intimate Coupling: Organization of This Book
Helping Yourself And/or Using Professional Help
Becoming a Super Couple
Exercises in the A, B, and C’s of Couple Relationships
Can Learning These Skills Really Deepen Your Intimacy?
But Exercises Aren’t Real Life, Are They?
Persuading Your Partner To Do These Exercises With You
Procedures for Doing the Exercises
How Are the Exercises Arranged?
Each Exercise Contains the Following Sequence:
The Timing of Exercises
Making the Exercises Easy
Doing All of the Exercises
Communicating with Your Partner
Sending and Receiving Information
Learning the Art of Talking
Taking the Risk of Becoming a Super Couple
“Understanding” Does Not Mean Agreement or Compliance
Guidelines for Talking (Sending Messages)
l. Talk About Everything, Almost
2. Direct Your Talk To Your Partner
3. Talk Clearly, Distinctly and Comprehensibly
4. Make “I” Statements and Be Authentic and Spontaneous
5. Elaborate and Describe People and Situations
6. Tell Stories, Dreams, and Fantasies
7. Be Funny and Witty
Guidelines of What Not to Do as a Talker
1. Don’t Blame your Partner
2. Don’t read your partner’s mind
4. Don’t send mixed messages
5. Don’t Tease Your Partner
6. Don’t Judge Your Partner Negatively
Guidelines for Receivers
l. Respond to What Your Partner Said
2. Respond Verbally
3. Hear Exactly What Your Partner Says and “Echo” Your Partner
4. Respond with Feedback
5. Accept Your Partner’s Statement
6. Ask for Clarification
7. Empathize With Your Partner
8. Digest Your Partner’s Message
9. Contribute to the Conversation
Guidelines for How Not to Receive
l. Don’t Judge
2. Don’t Correct
3. Don’t Mind Read Your Partner
4. Don’t Respond Reflexively With Action
Chapter 1. Communication Exercises
Exercise 1-A: Talking on One Topic
Exercise 1-B: Echoing Your Partner
Exercise 1-C: Talking and Listening Simultaneously
Exercise 1-D: Providing Feedback
Exercise 1-E: Signaling With a Baton
Exercise 1-F: Writing a Conversation
Exercise 1-G: Creating a Poetic Communication
Follow-Up Discussion:
Issues about Actions Are Inevitable, but Fights Can Be Avoided
Differences of Opinion and Disagreements about Actions
Negotiating to a Win/Win Solution
The Myth that One Partner Always Wins
Equal “Effective” Power
Increase Your S.Q.—Satisfaction Quotient
Love and Work in Negotiating
Loving Your Partner and Asserting Yourself
Asserting Yourself Without Expressing Anger to Your Partner
7. Negotiate Now
Guidelines of What Not to Do in Negotiating
1. Don’t Be Hostile
2. Don’t Blame
3. Don’t Offer a “Blank Check”
4. Don’t Offer to Try
5. Don’t Stop Negotiating with a “Yes”
6. Don’t Accept Conditional Agreement
7. Don’t Issue an Ultimatum
8. Don’t Make Non-Negotiable Demands
10. Don’t Support Groups of People
11. Don’t Debate Mental Health and Illness
Conclusion
Negotiation Exercises
Exercise 2-A: Identifying your Own Wishes
Exercise 2-B: Stating Explicitly a Negotiable Issue
Exercise 2-C: Write a Negotiation
Exercise 2-D: Talk a Negotiation
Exercise 2-E: Do A Post-Mortem on a Previous Negotiation
Learning to Make Love
Having Sex and “Making Love”
Gender in sex
Bernie and Ethel: Sex As One of Several Problems
About Sex in Your Couple Relationship
You are Sexual Beings 24 Hours-A-Day
Development of Relationships to the Opposite Sex
Fight and Fun Chemistry: The Biology of Anger and Sex
Planning to Have Sex Can Lead to Genuine Sexual Feelings
How To Increase Your Sexual Excitement
Build on Your Inherent Attraction to Your Partner
Give Attention to Each Part of a Wave of Sexual Feeling
Be Aware of Your Own Sexual Thoughts and Feelings
“Listen” to Your Own Body
Have Positive Thoughts
Focus on Five F’s of Your Partner’s Body
Be Spontaneous, Moment-by-Moment, in Sex
Allow Loving Feelings to Spread to Sexual Feelings
Don’t Wait For Your Partner To Initiate Sex
Find Constructive Ways to Express Your Sexual Impulses
Enjoy Sensuous Pleasures
Move Your Body Rhythmically
How to Overcome Interferences with Sexual Feelings
Stop Misusing Sex
a. “Make-Up” Sex
b. “Bargaining” Sex
Exercise 3-A: Planning a Future Sexual Experience
Exercise 3-B: Talk While Having Sex
Exercise 3-C: Have Sex Twice Within One Hour
Exercise 3-D: Have Tantra-like Sex
Exercise 3-E: Active Partner/Passive Partner
Two Categories of Feelings
Romantic Ideal of No Anger
Frustrations are Inevitable
Frustrated People Have Anger Feelings
Unexpressed Anger Is Converted to Hatred and Meanness
Learning New Ways to Express Anger
Defensive Anger in Response to Offenses or Attacks
Two units of defense for two units of offense
Relief in Expressing Anger Constructively
1. Do Not Let Anger Turn into Hatred
2. Do Not Be Mean or Fight Dirty
3. Do Not Tease
4. Do Not Blame Your Partner
5. Do Not Express Anger and Love at the Same Time
6. Do Not Express Anger and Sex at the Same Time
7. Do Not Have Temper Tantrums
8. Do Not Physically Hit or Attack Your Partner
Guidelines for Receiving Anger Feelings
1. Hear and See Anger As It Is
2. Acknowledge Your Partner’s Anger Explicitly
3. Determine Your Own Reaction
4. Explain Yourself If You are Innocent
5. Listen Actively
7. Clarify Mixed Feelings
Guidelines for What Not to Do in Receiving Anger
1. Do Not Cry
2. Do Not Accept Anger If You Did Not Offend
3. Don’t Fight Back Passively
4. Do Not Accept Injury
5. Do Not Forgive and Forget
Guidelines for Both Partners: Interactions Involving Anger
1. Do Not Be a Player in a Fight Game
2. Do Not Express Anger Alternately
3. Do Not Give Yourself or Your Partner Permission to Injure
4. Do Not Lose Control of Yourself
5. Do Not Keep or Use Weapons
6. Do Not Play the Approach-Avoid Game
7. Do Not Escalate a Fight
Exercises for Expressing and Receiving Anger Feelings
Activity 4-A: Sayings For the Wall
Activity 4-B: Assessing Levels of Negative Feelings
Activity 4-C: Awareness of Offensive Anger
Activity 4-D: Practicing for the Real Thing
Activity 4-E: Setting Limits on Expressions of Anger
Activity 4-F: Repairing Damage from Previous Fights
Activity 4-G: Red-Mark Your Partner’s Destructive Expressions
The Value of Expressing Loving Feelings
Couple Growth and Expressing Loving Feelings
Creativity and Loving Feelings
Loving Your Partner and Yourself
Myths about Loving
Myth #1: Loving Is Unmanly
Myth #2: Love Means Having Things in Common
Myth #3: There Is Such a Thing As Too Much Love
Myth #4: Love Must Include Sacrifice
Myth #5: You Alone Are Enough for Your Partner
Myth #6: You Should “Try Hard” to Love Your Partner
Myth #7: We Have Only a Limited Supply of Love
Myth #8: Pity and Love are the Same Thing
Myth #9: Love Means Mutual Caretaking
Guidelines for Expressing Loving Feelings To Your Partner
l. Go with Your Own Wave of Loving Feelings
2. Direct Your Loving Feelings to Your Partner
4. Be a Loving Talker
5. Express Your Loving Feelings in Actions
6. Touch
7. Give Gifts
8. Advise and Consult
9. Sympathize
10. Be A Loving Being
11. Affirm the Existence of Your Partner
12. Affirm Your Partner’s Existence as a Man or Woman
13. Respect the Dignity of Your Partner
14. Empathize and Echo your Partner
15. Play and Laugh with Your Partner
Guidelines of What Not To Do in Expressing Loving Feelings
1. Do Not Block Your Loving Feelings
2. Do Not Send Love Mixed with Hate
Guidelines for Receiving Loving Feelings
l. Recognize Loving Feelings
3. Clarify Ambiguous Messages
4. Provide Feedback
5. Be a Gracious Receiver
6. Distinguish Loving Feelings From Reality Plans
7. Clarify Mixed Love and Hate Messages
8. Clarify Mixed Loving and Sexual Messages
Guidelines of How Not to Receive Loving Feelings
l. Do Not Judge or Evaluate
2. Do Not Deflect a Loving Message Away From Yourself
Exercise 5-C: Mixing Messages In Order to Un-Mix Messages
Exercise 5-D: Express Loving Feelings Hourly
Exercise 5-E: Loving Hands
Exercise 5-F: Provide a Celebration for Your Partner
Exercise 5-G. Pinch Your Partner’s Failures to Receive Love
Exercise 5-H: Role-Play Your Partner
References:
P. 1
How You and Your Mate Can Become a Super Couple

How You and Your Mate Can Become a Super Couple

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Published by Xlibris
This book is one of the author’s three volumes of self-help books for couples and marriages. This first volume is about helping couples’ function together in five areas: communication, negotiation and expression of three feelings: anger, sexual, and loving feelings. Volume two is about the structure of couple relationships. Volume three is about special issues in couple relationships. Although self-help demands a great deal of partners in a couple relationship, this book guides couples step-by-step. If couples do the activities in this book, they have a good chance of improving their relationship.
This book is one of the author’s three volumes of self-help books for couples and marriages. This first volume is about helping couples’ function together in five areas: communication, negotiation and expression of three feelings: anger, sexual, and loving feelings. Volume two is about the structure of couple relationships. Volume three is about special issues in couple relationships. Although self-help demands a great deal of partners in a couple relationship, this book guides couples step-by-step. If couples do the activities in this book, they have a good chance of improving their relationship.

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Publish date: May 2011
Added to Scribd: Jun 10, 2011
Copyright:Traditional Copyright: All rights reservedISBN:9781462864904
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