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The Ball is Round

Contents
My Name is Stuart and I am an addict ............................................................................................................... 3 Our first love never dies ...................................................................................................................................... 6 Stockholm Syndrome .......................................................................................................................................... 9 How I broke my European cherry.....................................................................................................................15 www.dulldulldull.com......................................................................................................................................18 Break with tradition ..........................................................................................................................................21 Forsake all alcohol .............................................................................................................................................25 Flickin Hell .........................................................................................................................................................30 The Future of the football programme ............................................................................................................36 Some common sense please? ..........................................................................................................................39

My Name is Stuart and I am an addict


I didn't realise I had a problem until I was confronted with it. The problem was storage. I had run out of room for my football socks. Come on admit it, we all have a few pairs don't we? Some people collect shirts, others collect programmes (I have a few of those myself) whereas some individuals I wont mention (Dagenham + Dan is a clue) have to keep their match tickets in pristine condition. Those things do nothing for me. To me, I express my love of the game with football socks. CMF says this is a "Syndrome". It is obsessive compulsive. Just because I like socks and never throw a pair away does not make me a bad person. I never complain about her collection of Marc Dorcel DVD's so why should she make me feel bad about my collection? After all I get enjoyment from wearing my socks (and yes I also don't mind sharing her "hobby" as well"). Sometimes we even swap items in our collections, but that is another story completely. It all started out of necessity. I went to a Wasps rugby game, that is how long ago it was - they didn't have the London bit in their name, despite the fact they played in London, as opposed to now where they are called London Wasps despite playing in Buckinghamshire. It was raining, my shoes had a hole in and my feet got very wet. I needed to get some new socks and so I went and bought a pair of rugby socks from the club shop. That was back in 1998 and I still have that pair of black and gold socks today. After that I was hooked. It was the comfort, the almost rebellious sign against the system. I wore purple Fiorentina socks on business meetings. When people said things like "nice socks" I would launch into the tale of who they belonged to and where I got them. I wore a pair of olive and chocolate Kappa Werder Bremen socks to a relative's wedding, going to great lengths to find a new pair of brown shoes that matched the socks. My collection has now reached an impressive 61 pairs from 52 different sides. I have four times as many football socks as I do proper work ones. They aren't any old pairs either. One rule has to be observed. You can only buy a pair from the ground or town/city of the club. So no cheating and buying socks online, or from a discount sports shop. That would be cheating, and we all hate cheats in football. Never does a trip go by these days without being on the look out for a sports shop, or a visit to the ground to see if I can get a pair in. And who wouldn't. Some people may try and find a magic door to get into the ground and dare I say it, onto the pitch. For me it will be a trip to the official kit section of the club shop and a purchase of a pair of 42 Euro size socks.

No two pairs are the same in design. There are subtle differences in them all. Take the offerings from Rapid Vienna and FC Kln for instance. Both made by Adidas but one with green/white stripes whilst the other is plain white. But both have a lovely little tag sewn into the roll down bits with the club badge on. Or the clubs that have their badge on the shin part of the sock. For these it is a crime not to wear them pulled up to the knee. Then you can give people a quick flash of the badge by rolling up your trouser leg. A subtle twist on this is the offering from Denmark and Paris Saint Germain where the badge/flag is actually on the calf side. What about the subtleties? What about a little L or R on the toes so you know on which foot each should go on? Or how about the Hanover 96 approach of having one sock with a vertical line on, and the other with a horizontal one. If that was designed by Hockney or Emin it would be deemed a masterpiece and find a home in the Tate. The collection is almost a European Nations in its own right. There are pairs from 18 different European countries. None yet, alas from further abroad but we are working on that. European Champions, European Championship winners, World Cup winners, Europa League winners and various domestic league winners are all included....and West Ham. Deep down I am still mad with Danny for buying the last pair of Royal Antwerp socks when we visited them back in March. He knew I bloody loved them and now he taunts me whenever he wears them. But I will have the last (no pun intended) laugh one day Danny Boy! My favourite pair? Well thank you for asking. It is a pair of Shrewsbury Town socks made by Prostar. They are blue with yellow and white vertical bars on, with elasticated sections on the foot for support and a big STFC on the shin. Or my FC Kaiserslautern pair? Kappa, light blue with claret writing. Classy yet understated. My newest pair? A nice turquoise pair of FC Nordsjlland complete with the manufacturer (H2O) and a club badge on the front that I picked up in March. Most garish pair? Has to be the luminous orange FC Barcelona pair. I haven't found any item of clothing that looks good with those.

Most sought after pair? Accrington Stanley, circa 2008 where they had the word Stanley running down the back of the sock. I would change my name by deed poll for a pair of those.

One day I am going to open the first ever football sock museum. Each pair will be immortalised in a glass case, with a little label (in multiple languages of course) explaining the significance of each pair. People will come from lands far and away to donate pairs to the exhibition (new ones, still in the bag please). Who knows, one day the Guinness Book of World Records may even visit and then I will know my journey to greatness has been complete. But for now I am happy in my knowledge that I am not alone. That there are other football sock lovers out there too. I can't be alone. Tell me please I am not alone and that these are the actions of a normal, sane person. Please?

Our first love never dies


We all remember our first love. That first flush of embarrassment when someone mentioned your name and theirs in the same sentence, that butterfly feeling in your stomach before you saw them. To us boys our first love was never a girl. Oh no, it was a bike such as a Grifter or if you were unlucky a Boxer or an Atari console with the latest Pong game. And of course there was football. We all had our first loves there. Back in the early 70's it was Leeds United this, Leeds United that. Match of the Day and The Big Match used to be our fix, and if we were lucky on a non school night we may just be allowed to stay up and watch Sportsnight and catch a midweek game. None of this Super Sunday or foreign internet feeds I will have you know. Coming from a footballing family, and with two brothers, the beautiful game played a bit part in my up bringing. I was supposed to be a West Ham fan (something I became later but the reasons behind that are for another day you can read about here) but with the rise of hooliganism on the terraces Mum wasn't keen on letting her youngest son be exposed to such horrors at an early age. So instead Dad used to take us literally up the road to Watling Street, home to Dartford FC until such a time he was allowed to take me to First Division football. To me this was the best place in the world. I was allowed to wander wherever I liked, and could spend my pocket money in the club shop on programmes from around Britain. Come Monday morning I would be in school impressing the girls that I had been to see games in far flung places as Alloa, Workington and Tranmere using my newly acquired programmes as my evidence. Even junior school girls are impressed by a man who travels. My first ever game of football had been at The Valley, watching Charlton Athletic play Burnley in April 1974 just a few weeks before Dartford went to Wembley for the first (and only time) to face Morecambe in the FA Trophy. I was not allowed to go and sulked for a few days until I was promised by Dad that not only would he buy me a Dartford shirt (a white Bukta number if I remember) but also he would take me to a few games at Watling Street in the coming season. Few people can remember things from when they were 5 but I can still almost smell the cigarette smoke underneath the covered terrace, or the strange looking drink people consumed in the winter (Bovril was not a household name in suburbia at the time). The main stand seemed like the biggest creation known to man, despite it only covering a third of the pitch. Underneath was a great place for kids like me to play despite the stories we had been told about Monkey Alan who lived under there as well.

As the fable goes (which means there is probably no grain whatsoever in the truth) he had escaped from Mabledon Mental hospital just up the road (in those days they told it like it was - none of the psychological behavioural units) and was in hiding in the ground. Quite how the authorities didnt know this was a mystery to me as a football ground on the doorstep of the hospital would have been the first place to look. Funnily enough in the UK version of The Office, the character Gareth Keenan refers to a Monkey Alan which is believed to be in honour of the rumour as actor McKenzie Crook actually grew up in Dartford. That season I went to over a dozen games at Watling Street including games against eventual Southern League champions Wimbledon, who had Dickie Guy in goal (who was later to find fame in saving a penalty in a cup game versus Leeds United) and a certain Dave "Harry" Bassett who was sent off in a 2-0 defeat. Want more proof that footballers are pampered these days? Well this was the Darts third game in four days over the Easter period. The same season the club reached the first round of the FA Cup and lost narrowly at Watling Street to Plymouth Argyle 3-2 with a bumper crowd filing through the turnstiles, although as usual I was lifted over the turnstile for free. However one incident that sticks in my memory from the season was a game versus Grantham Town when fed up with the stick he was getting from a particular home fan, the away goalkeeper hurdled the fence around the pitch and chased the fan into the car park, whilst the game carried on for a couple of minutes in his absence. The season didn't end on a high though as the Darts were relegated, winning only 9 games from their 42. Looking back at the Southern League today it is strange to see some of the old names playing at this level. For instance, Burton Albion finished fifth, two places above Margate - a distance between those of over 200 miles - hardly a fair geographical split. Also in the league were Nuneaton Borough, Atherstone Town, Stourbridge and Guildford & Dorking United - teams had have disappeared from view in Non league circles. Two seasons later the Darts were back in the Southern League. By this time I was allowed to cycle to the games with my brother. This involved a trip into Dartford town centre before the game where he would ride up and down the busy High Street posing on his customised Chopper whilst I sat in Wimpey with my Big Bender (they still sell these to this day). After the long slog up East Hill we would leave our bikes in the garage opposite and bunk over the wall into the ground. That season Dartford finished in mid table and were able to renew the acquaintance of Gravesend and Northfleet, a game that had been built up in my imagination to rival England versus Scotland which

despite a few scuffles and toilet rolls being thrown did not have the same amount of people sitting on the cross bars for my liking. The following year I was deemed old enough to be taken to the likes of Upton Park and Highbury for my Saturday football fix, and so visits to Dartford became less and less. In 1979 the new Alliance Premier League was formed as the top division in Non League football. Dartford didnt make the initial cut (annoyingly Gravesend did), but the club did eventually reach the dizzy heights of third in this league in 1985. By this time I had discovered that girls were a viable substitute for football on a Saturday afternoon and my Dartford adventures drew to a close. I did visit a few more times, notably scaling the walls with friends in 1992 for a final kick about on the pitch before the ground was sold off.

Stockholm Syndrome
What is the biggest match in football around the world? Many will say Real Madrid v Barcelona, others AC v Inter whilst some of a more continental persuasion will go for the Boca v River Plate game in Argentina. But what is clear that in most domestic leagues the biggest game tends to be the local derbies. In fact Spain (and to an extent, France) is the exception in that the biggest game is not an inter-city derby. Germany has all of the passion (and spite) of Borussia Dortmund and Schalke as well as a new rivalry, played for the first time this season in Hertha v Union Berlin. Italy has the Rome, Milan, Turin and Genoa variations. Portugal has Sporting v Benfica derby played between the Lisbon sides and then of course there is the Old Firm in Scotland. Childhood friends grow up enemies based on the teams they support, families are split in two over their allegiances. During the past few years I have been lucky enough to experience a few such games. Internazionale 0 AC 6 will always rank up there in my most treasured footballing memories, as will the rampant destruction of Parken, home to FC Copenhagen by Brondby IF fans in one of the fastest growing inter-city rivalries. But one game I had always wanted to see was the Stockholm derby between Djurgrden IF and AIK. Djurgrdens IF and AIK were both founded in 1891 separated by just a month apart and both are originally from the Northern part of Stockholm. Today they are almost in different towns with AIK based in Solna, to the north of the city centre and Djurgrden in the district of stermalm. They are also historically two of the biggest and most successful clubs in Sweden, with 11 League titles each. The Djurgrden vs AIK rivalry is considered by far the biggest rivalry in Sweden and maybe even the whole of Scandinavia because of its rich history and the huge animosity between the two clubs and both sets of fans with the Jrnkaminerna or Blue Saints of Djurgrden on one side and the notorious Black Army of AIK on the other. With this being the first game of the season for both teams, it was guaranteed to be a cracker in terms of atmosphere. But few people outside stermalm know that back in 1985, Djurgrden IF's star striker was none other than Edward "Teddy" Sheringham. Teddy was nineteen at the time and pushing to break into the Millwall first team. With Sweden playing summer football it was seen as an ideal opportunity for him to gain some first team football. Thirteen in goals in twenty one appearances saw Teddy become a cult hero here as well as returning back to South London to a first team place for the Lions. Not that AIK didn't have their own South London connection themselves. Step forward long term TBIR fan and Millwall fanatic, Kenny Pavey. One of the best English players currently playing overseas, Kenny is down to earth, committed and above all passionate about the game. He was fired up for this one.

For me it would also be a good chance to visit the Stadion, home of the dark and light blues and the only ground in Stockholm that I hadn't been to. The Olympic Stadion, or simply Stadion for those in the know hosted most of the events in the 1912 Olympic Games including the Tug of War competition. Well, not really a competition actually as only two nations competed (Sweden represented by the Stockholm City Police and Great Britain represented by the City of London Police) and the event was held in less than 30 minutes on one day. If that bizarre fact wasn't enough then do you know that it also hosted part of the Olympic games in 1956? Yep, whilst the running, shooting, pushing, pulling and throwing was going on in Melbourne some 9,609 miles away in Australia, the equestrian competition was held in the Olympic Stadion due to quarantine issues. However, I had of course made a simple assumption that the game would be played at Djurgrden's 13,000 capacity stadium. And I would have happily headed off in that direction if it wasn't for one of the guys in the office pointing out that Solna is only a 5 minute journey from my hotel. Solna? No I am heading out to stermalm...Well you will be Johnny no mates out there came the answer. It seems that all big games like this are played at the Rsunda, that is until the new Swedbank Arena is finished in 2012 although AIK will not be moving in to the new superstadium. Both teams had suffered poor seasons in 2010. The home side's 10th place finish was at least an improvement on 14th in 2009 but still along way from their domestic double in 2005 and subsequent jaunt into the Champions League. AIK also went through a season of hell in 2010 after winning the treble in 2009, finishing in 11th place. The Allsvenskan is a hot potato that no team wants to hold for more than a season. Six different winners in the last six seasons did not bode well for both of these sides, especially as Huddo Hudson have confidently tipped rebro for the title this year. So a full day's work under my belt I headed north up to Solna ready and waiting for what was about to hit me. Djurgrden IF 0 AIK 0 - Rsunda - Monday 4th April 2011 The journey to the stadium should have been straight forward. Five stops from TCentral straight to the stadium. But those little rascals the AIK fans decided to trash a metro train so we weren't going anywhere fast. What was obvious was the railway workers had recently been on a customer experience course hosted by SouthEastern railways as the confusing messages being relayed to the thousands of football fans on the platform was a great help in getting us all nowhere. Still, thanks to a helpful policeman I did a little shufty one way, a shimmy the next and before you could say Martin Kayongo-Mutumba I was at the stadium. One end was rocking. I will give you a clue which one. They play in black and yellow. AIK had almost filled the "away" end, which was actually the same end they have when they play at home. At the other end the "home" fans had a decent turn out (many were stuck on the

train incident I mention above), but it did beg the question why not play this at home in the first place.

The bad news was that "our Kenny" was only on the bench. He consoled himself by giving fellow sub Ibrahim Bangura a piggy back race around the pitch as you do. The good news was the atmosphere was cracking (you can see some footage on YouTube here, here and here). A little bit too cracking for the referee and the police because minutes after the teams came out and lined up they were ushered back down the tunnel as the smoke engulfed the stadium. I've seen some fireworks before but this put London on New Years Eve to shame. Add in AIK's fans singing a version of KC & The Sunshine Band's Give it up and the Djurgrden X-Factor style ticker tape and I think I can only give you a fraction of the picture.

Five minutes later the referee appeared again. He chatted to a few people and disappeared again just as more loud bangs reverberated around the stadium. If this was

a "tame" derby in terms of games around the world I cannot imagine what a "lively" one would be like. The noise was cranked up to ten as we had to sit and wait....Eventually some nine minutes late the home side got the game underway to almost silence as both sets of fans regrouped and planned their next move.

Two minutes in and the home side nearly got the dream start when Sebastian Rajalakso's drive from the edge of the box narrowly went past the post with Turina in the AIK goal well beaten. That brought the blues fans into song. Ah if Teddy was here tonight - the Djurgrden fans broke into a chorus of "No one likes us, we don't care" but in Swedish (well that is what it sounded like to me) so send a message to their favourite English son. AIK responded with "We're on the march with Alm's army, we're on the way to Gefle". Eighteen minutes on the clock and AIK have a massive shout for a penalty. After Gustavsson outpaces the defence and lifts the ball over Pa Dembo Touray in the Djurgrden goal the goal bound ball is cleared by a defender. Only he kicks the ball straight up in the air and the ball hits his hand and goes out for a corner. What would Alan Hansen say? There is no such thing as "ball to hand", it is just handball. To try and rouse the home fans out came the Djurgarden mascot. A big cat....with an upside down saucepan on his head. Now that is just bizarre but I had already seen most things in this game so it wasn't too much of a surprise. Chances were few on the ground in the first half with both keepers tested from distance and their catching ability from corners, with the bulk of the play being seen in the middle third of the pitch. Half time saw a few exchanges between the fans and the police as missiles were thrown down from the Djurgarden fans behind the goal onto a small group of AIK fans in the stand along the side of the pitch. For the first time in the evening I started noticing how chilly it had become. Just because April is here does not mean winter has disappeared here in Stockholm. Snow is still on the ground in outlying areas and some of the rivers are still frozen. What we needed to warm us up was 45 minutes of decent football.

"One Kenny Pavey" sang the AIK fans as he was brought on at the start of the second half to inject some pace down the right hand side for the "visitors". With both teams attacking their opposing fans it was going to be 45 minutes for the brave. The noise was cranked up to 11 and it was difficult to keep an eye on what was going on on the pitch for fear of missing something either set of fans was doing. There was an almost constant stream of flare smoke, syncronised bouncing, fire crackers and songs with English tunes. Do the Premier League officials not look at games like this and wonder where the passion and spectacle come from? This cannot be bottled and sold as part of your monthly subscription. These are fans that haven't been priced out of the game and a football association who respects the supporters as more of a part of the game than the teams themselves. Nearly 29,000 were in the stadium. Less than half you would get at The Emirates but I bet twenty times as loud and passionate. Inevitably the game ended nil nil. With so much at stake in the opening game of the season both teams will claim the bragging rights from the first battle of the season. As usual there was always time for a chat with Kenny Pavey post match. I waited for him to complete his Swedish interviews, conducted in perfect local dialect. Sod the fact that the rest of his team mates were waiting on the coach, he wanted my opinion on the game, whether Millwall could get to the play off final and whether it was true that Lilly

Allen had been lined up to replace Cheryl Cole on X-Factor. Good, no and unfortunately yes were my answers. No time for a beer tonight but stay tuned for our latest update on his antics. Football was not the winner but passionate support was. Would I want to see supporters like this every week? Hell yes..."Oh Teddy Teddy, he came to Stockholm and all he won fuck all....apart from a second division championship medal."

How I broke my European cherry


We all remember our first time don't we? We all look back now with fondness on that first time, the thrill of seeing it all for the first time after years of just looking at pictures in magazines, or dare I say it on the internet. Those mistakes we made, the feeling of when things appeared to be going well but really we were doing it all wrong and doing it with someone who had never done it before as well. Losing our cherry together....Still with me? Want me to share my first time? OK then, here goes. We are talking European football right? There will be no confessions of any other sort here thank you very much. It would be unfair to talk about THAT first time in such a public way, especially as she is now a Hollywood star (that's got you thinking hasn't it!). I know some of you are still virgins in not having watched a game abroad, wondering from afar how you can do it. But I hope on these pages, and those of Danny Last's European Football Weekends and Huddo Hudson's Gannin' Away amongst others will have wetted your appetite. For someone who has travelled so much it may surprise you to know that my first ever European match was in January 2000. There had been a few near misses - weekends away where there was no football on, or it had been moved for TV purposes but this weekend was a birthday treat from CMF and specifically for watching a game. The destination ? Milan. The game? AC Milan versus Lecce. The internet wasn't as advanced as it was today - in fact the website of AC Milan eleven years ago had only just added English content. There was no way of buying tickets online so it was with some trepidation that we flew to Milan on a very chilly Saturday morning. Our plan was to find the AC Milan store, buy our tickets there thus giving us virtually all day Sunday to sight see. Great plan, but not for the first time we were thwarted by the ridiculous beaurocracy of Italy. When we eventually found the store we were told that I should have faxed (faxed???) my bank details to them in advance as they could not accept my foreign credit card. They wouldn't even tell me how many tickets were available, and that our only avenue was to get tickets from the ticket office at the ground.

So we headed off via the Metro to the ground. We walked from Lotto Metro station along Viale Frederico Caprilli alongside the horse racing track. After nearly a mile the stadium suddenly appears. I stopped in awe at the structure. In front of me was one of the greatest football grounds in the world, almost in touching distance. CMF had also stopped. What I should have added earlier was she was 6 months pregnant at the time, and my route march pace along the road had left her sitting on a bench some 200 yards back. I looked round and saw a kindly Italian gentlemen was chatting too her. How nice, I thought, that he was obviously sensing her discomfort and asking if she was ok. Wrong. He was actually asking how much for a blow job. It seemed we had been walking down Milan's curb crawling district where girls sat on the benches awaiting custom. As he couldn't meet her asking price he moved on, as she did at double speed (and about time!). Of course, this being Italy, the ticket office was closed. It was only 3pm on a Saturday after all. However, there were many helpful gentlemen hanging around the San Siro and not just to offer cash for favours for a six months pregnant woman. They had some bargains on tickets for the sold out game tomorrow, they said. Sorry? Sold out? But this was my big birthday present. It couldn't be sold out. But don't worry, he said as he had two spare tickets. Yes, just two, the last two in the whole stadium. And in the days before Euro he only wanted 350,000 Lira (about 150) for the two "gold dust" tickets. 2011 Stuart would have laughed in his face and walked away, but this was 2000 Stuart. The European football virgin Stuart and he handed over 350,000 Lira in exchange for two tickets. Fast forward twenty four hours and we had done Milan. We'd been up to the the roof of the Duomo, the magnificent cathedral. We'd shopped in some of the posh shops. We'd eaten pasta and pizza, and of course we had braved an Italian taxi ride. All essentials for a trip to Italy. And now it was time for the Calcio. We headed down to the ground early, wanting to sample some of the tifosi action that we had only seen before on Channel 4's superb Football Italia. We negotiated the basic search at the turnstiles, although the stewards took checking that CMF was pregnant to extreme levels with a few gropes (Well, they are Italian darling, no need to do a Diana Ross). We then started the long trek up to the top tier where our tickets were on one of the long slopes which wrap around the stadium's exterior.

We stepped out into stadium bowl and stopped to see three quarters of the group empty, but one section of the middle tier packed with fans decked in red and black. It was an hour before kick off but the fans were in full voice. It was unbelievable to watch, especially when the Milan players came out to start warming up. Our "top of the range" seats turned out to be no more than bits of plastic bolted onto concrete steps, and no seat backs. And it soon became obvious that the "last two seats in the house" actually meant "two of the last seats in the Orange Section, Upper Tier, Section A, Row 32, Seats 200 - 210. How did he see me coming? And as for the game itself? Well, relegation candidates Lecce came and did a number on the great AC Milan. Their centre forward, Cristiano Lucarelli, playing on his own up front scored twice and if it wasn't for a rare strike from the boy Paolo Maldini would have gone back to the deep south with all three points. From our vantage point we could see the Milan machine purring. Bierhoff and Shevchenko, Alessandro, Leonardo and Boban in midfield and a defence marshalled by Serginho and Maldini. I had to pinch myself that I was really watching this in the flesh. So in the end it had proven easy. So easy in fact that two weeks later we were sitting in the lower tier of the North stand in the Estadio Santiago Bernabau watching Real Madrid beat Bilbao. The rest, some 200 plus games overseas, is history (or geography) as they say! If you are an European football weekend virgin then fear not. Help is at hand. You can email me or Danny on the address at the top of this page, or go to the bible of European football logistics, Budget Airline Football. Don't be scared - we are here to help you through this milestone in your life.

www.dulldulldull.com
Hands up who knows what a cybersquatter is? It is not some new Wii game where you experience toilets in China but the practice of someone wilfully registering a domain name infringing the image or trademark of another individual or company. Sounds heavy but it is becoming more and more of an issue in football on a daily basis. Fans want information about players and their first stop in the modern world is the internet. Most major players (and some minor ones such as Ayden Duffy Lincoln Moorlands Railways FC goalkeeper) now have their own Wikipedia page but content on the open source encyclopedia is open to abuse to say the least. To add that air of respectability and authenticity if you want to be a brand name you need your own glossy website. What better example is Rio Ferdinand, with his official website, offering all sorts of content and promotions that are not exactly to do with his core business aka being a footballer. But what would happen if someone decided to set up a "rival" site? What if someone set up a webpage with a page of links trying to make money off Rio's name? Well see for yourself here. What can Rio do about this? In a nutshell absolutely nothing. As long as the website is not defamatory, libellous or misrepresenting Rio then it is perfectly legal. Without going to the domain name owner and offering to buy the domain name (for a massively inflated amount of course) Rio is absolutely powerless to do anything unless the website breaches those three rules. This is a result of domain speculation. Domainers are people who register literally hundreds of names a day, looking for trends or opportunities before others. Many companies have learnt the hard way by ignoring their "brands" and paying a price later as they try and recover domain names at huge costs that they should have registered themselves for a few pounds. Think of the X-Factor (and not just Cheryl Cole). Every year there are 12 finalists (unless you count this year's where there was 14) and I guarantee that before the finalists are announced in August their domain names will have been registered. Some will have been registered by Simon Cowell's production and management company who essentially own the rights to all the artists but others by individuals who will have taken a punt on that person reaching the final at an earlier stage of the competition. Is this illegal?

A grey area really, but if that person goes on to win the competition then that investment of 10 can make a domain name worth a fortune. By simply registering a domain name and sitting on it there has been no problem but the rewards could be massive. There are actually very few footballers who have their own websites. This may be for a number of reasons. Firstly it would require some interesting content to be shared with the public. Players cannot "speak their mind" anymore and so what can they talk about on their website will hardly make them interesting. There are dozens of sites that list statistical information about individual player records such as Soccerbase and Wikipedia so there is little point in listing this information. Any marketeers worth their salt will tell you that it is irrelevant how big you are as a name, without good and relevant content you are a dead duck floating in the digital pond. Perhaps that is why Waynerooney.com simply resolves to a blank page at the moment. Football clubs in most cases do not want to manage this area for a player. The whole concept of "Digital Image Rights" is often a stumbling block in transfer deals, as we saw in 2009 when Cristiano Ronaldo moved to Real Madrid and demanded that he received more than the standard 50/50 deal on his image rights after signing. But the actual management of this online image is through his management company. They are responsible for his online presence (including his official website) which is no more than a flash Twitter feed. After all stars like Ronaldo cannot put up an exclusive on their website about the party they were at last night, or the fact they think Messi is a diver can they? So what is the protocol with footballers and domain names? Should the player themselves register their names? A certain young rising star at West Ham for instance could still buy every major variation on his name (com, net, org, biz, info, co.uk, me) for less than they earn in an hour. May be they will never reach the big time, but if they do and someone takes advantage of their online brand they will be the first to run to their agent shouting foul. Amazingly a certain player who made their international debut for England in November 2010 has not registered his name at all. What about managers? Well a certain English manager who loves "doing a deal" should perhaps have a look at spending 25 on a couple of his own names as it appears that the .com version of his name is being squatted by a chap in the USA but amazingly only since 2008. So what is the lesson here? Footballers should put more of their own content up? Do we really want to see how dull and regimented their lives are? Twitter already gives us a brief insight into their lives although most of the bigger names (Wayne Rooney, Ronaldo and Frank Lampard) are as dull as you would expect. However there

are some gems out there. Kevin Davies is one player who tweets with real honesty about not being able work the toaster properly, or famously on finding out he was not in Capello's latest squad "Right, time for a beer". Or what about Jody Craddock? Wolves' centre back has grown his own painting business to an impressive size and has developed a fantastic website. So final message to all you footballers out there. Don't ignore your fans around the world. Buy a 10 domain name, get some cheap web hosting and post something profound....or on second thoughts just give the tenner to charity and save us the pain.

Break with tradition


Hands up who knows what footballing event happened on Saturday 3rd March 1995 in a place famous the world over for golf? It was change that has literally resulted in billions of pounds worth of revenue flowing into the game in some form or another. Still none the wiser? Well what if I said that it also resulted in us TV viewers being exposed to the intellect of the likes of Andy Townsend, Harry Redknapp and Edgar Davids? OK I can see you have thrown in the towel so I will tell you. On that blustery Saturday in the Turnberry Hotel on the Perthshire coast of Scotland the International Football Association Board met for their annual meeting. Representatives from the four home nation associations plus the delegation from FIFA discussed a number of changes to the game. Point eight on the Agenda was a proposal from the English Football Association to extend the half time period to a maximum of fifteen minutes. Interestingly enough, the existing rule only permitted a five minute break, unless approved by the referee. Their reason was that the change was needed to "reflect the needs of the modern game". Apart from a slight amendment from the Scottish Association that half time could be shortened with the agreement of the referee the motion was passed and came into effect across the world on the 1st July the same year, changing the face of the game forever. So the first few seasons of the English Premier League were played with just a 10 minute interval, as too was the 1994 World Cup in the USA. Was that enough for players and fans? It certainly changed the habits of the spectators in a stadium. As new grounds started to be built, more emphasis was placed on food and drink revenue streams, but with such a short half time period, people didn't want to miss parts of the match and so stayed in their seats. So clubs benefited by giving fans that extra five minutes to go and queue to buy their 8 Emirates Burger or their 5 Manchester United souvenir popcorn box. Did the teams benefit? There is a medical argument that suggests that a fifteen minute "cooling" down period after a first half of football can lead to an increase in the likelihood of muscle injuries. Significant amounts of research into the human brain suggests that our concentration span is actually less than 30 seconds, so any half time motivational talks by the managers have to be very short and very punchy. Again hardly ideal for the extended break. So who was the real winner when the rules were changed?

Simple answer - commercial television. An extra five minute half time period meant and additional 3 minute advert break and thus doubling the amount of revenue the stations could gain. During the World Cup, this meant billions to television stations around the world. A longer break also gave the programmers an opportunity to introduce match "experts". Today we groan in disbelief as these former professionals struggle to string together a few words of interest about something that happened a few minutes ago. One plus side though has been the opportunity for clubs to try and amuse the fans. I have seen some cracking half time entertainment throughout the past fifteen years, and also some dire stuff. My favourite still has to be a competition QPR used to run. Pick three random people out of the crowd, make them run ten times around a broom handle then get them to run ten yards and score from the penalty spot. Even funnier on a wet and muddy pitch. Health and safety soon put an end to that one. Danny Last recalls the age old tradition of Police Dog displays - "Pompey v Brighton in 1985 and at half time they lent the pitch over to a team of police dogs. Not to clear the pitch of hooligans, but for them to jump through hoops and over fences and stuff. And they did that thing they do when they shimmy through large plastic poles at a rate of knots. Marvellous scenes." Today most clubs have abandoned the idea of providing anything for the fans. Gone are the days of the Hammerettes dancing on the pitch at Upton Park in their two hundred denier American Tan tights, fake smiles and enough foundation to build a housing estate. We did once have Bonnie Tyler singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" although I am not sure why, and we used to bring out a table and chair for a youth team player when he signed professional forms but now their agents want an appearance fee and a revenue share of the gate receipts for such an act. And of course Phil Brown took to entertaining the crowd a few years ago by doing his whole Hull City team talk including flip chart presentation on the pitch. Instead we are treated with the sight of up to eight substitutes playing keepy-uppy whilst wearing enough layers to impersonate an arctic explorer. In their letter to West Ham fans at the end of last season, David Sullivan and David Gold assured them: "We want to bring the fun back. We want you to be excited on a

match day, and not just about the style of football. We are looking at ways to improve our pre-match and half-time entertainment and will welcome suggestions." What did the pair serve up to despairing supporters on Saturday as they trailed Chelsea 2-0 at the break? Nothing less than the Match Attax World Championship - i.e. two teenagers sitting on chairs, turning over football cards. Every bit as exciting as it sounds. (Thanks to the Daily Mirror for this little nugget). We are light years behind the US in this area, with almost every A, B and C list celebrity going wanting to appear on a pitch or court at some time during a game over there. And who can forget the legendary half time show in the Superbowl. A perfect lesson there as to how to feel a right tit! But then again we do have an attention span longer that a gnat in the UK so we do not need such showmanship. Audience participation seems to be the key these days. The glamour of the "cheerleader" approach has been undermined by the easy access to scantily dressed women in our media. And it wasn't as if clubs used them for their dancing abilities, was it? A search of some clubs forums on the subjects has thrown up some interesting ideas. Hearts fans suggest "Beat the mascot" where fans have the opportunity to beat up the mascots (the furry ones on the child ones), blindfolded penalty competitions comes up frequently as too does pie eating. Even the anticipation of the half time scores has gone out of the window. We used to have a complicated letter grid along the side of the pitch at West Ham, with each letter corresponding to a game listed in your programme. At half time they used to put the scores up, sometimes written in chalk to "oohs" and "aahs" of the crowd. So whilst one week A may be Arsenal v Leeds United, the next week it could have been Charlton Athletic v Bury. The excitement of those few minutes. Today? Everyone has a mobile and many of us use a service like Livescore.com which gives us ridiculous amounts of information about any game in Europe. "Pepe has been sent off again for Madrid" was a comment I heard at a West Ham game last season from a bloke next to me. Really? Does anyone really care?

At the non league level half times are valuable money earners for the club bars. With smaller crowds they can serve more people and fifteen minutes is a perfect "one pint strategy", of course whilst watching Jeff Stelling and the Soccer Saturday team running through all the scores. If it isnt broken, don't fix it is not a maxim that applies to football, so it was with no surprise that a motion was included in the agenda for the meeting of the IFAB in February last year to EXTEND half time to twenty minutes. The reason given:- "such that the walk from and back to the field of play can take players and match officials much of the current 15-minute half-time interval." What a load of crap. What stadiums locate their dressing rooms so far away that it takes that long to get back to them? The reason is simply more money. More money spent on the clubs food and drink and of course more money in advertising. Sponsorship analysts have calculated ITV's advertising take at the last World Cup to have been at least 300,000 a minute, rising to 1m for England games. Easy to see who the winner would be for a longer break. The motion was not approved, but based on the fact it has now appeared on the agenda twice in the past five years it is only time before it is approved. So what would the consequence be for the average fan in the ground? Twenty minutes is a long time to be "unamused" for. Most clubs in the Premier League have big screens but they all feel that they need to pump out the same content on an ear splitting five minute loop. There is only so many times you can relive the "Great Escape" highlights consisting of one Scott Parker goal against Wigan Athletic in a fifteen minute period, let alone a twenty minute break. Clubs will need to come up with more ideas to engage with their customers, something they have failed to do for well over a decade. When the product on the pitch is poor the last thing the fans want is an extended period of boredom, but then again when was the last time the fans had any say in the running of today's game?

Forsake all alcohol


A couple of weeks ago Lewes played Salisbury City the FA Carlsberg Trophy at the wonderful Dripping Pan. I am not shy to say there are few places better to watch a game of football than the Pan, with the South Downs shining brightly in the distance, like a new set of teeth just polished by a Polish dentist. One of the joys of watching football here is to grab a pint of the local Harveys beer and stand on the terrace and watch the game unfold in front of you. The match may sometimes not be the best in the world, but the top beer helps ease the pain as does the sparkling company. But for the game on Saturday this avenue of pleasure was closed. The reason? Well the fun police at the Football Association invoked rule xiv) in the FA Trophy Rules and Regulations 2010/11 which state:"No alcohol is to be consumed in the ground or premises during the period of any match, except as may be governed by the terms of the club licence with regard to its own members, but, not withstanding such, no alcohol is to be taken or consumed outside the licensed club house or any other authorised area during such match period or brought into the ground." So basically you cannot have a drink whilst watching the game. Sod the fact that the crowd was nearly 50% less than it has been on other occasions this season where alcohol was freely available. Sod the fact that there have been approximately zero arrests in or around the Dripping Pan for any public order offences for years. Sod the fact that clubs like Lewes rely on the revenues from the bar for their very survival. Sod the fact that the world has moved on from those dark days of the 1980's. And sod the fact that the competition is sponsored by a brand of beer! What the FA are saying here (and interestingly enough at FA Vase games where the average attendances excluding the semi final and final is just over 100) is that fans cannot be trusted to behave themselves in the excitement of cup games if alcohol is freely available. Excuse me for adding in any element of doubt here, but that is simply rubbish. Boxing Day, New Years Day and Easter Monday are the three biggest days in the Non League calendar, the dates reserved for the biggest games of the season. This season on Boxing Day you can head off to Bury Town v Lowestoft Town, Carshalton Athletic v Sutton United, Harrow Borough v Wealdstone and Histon v Cambridge United. Crowds for these games will be double or even treble what they normally are. Is this a problem?

No, of course not. So what difference is a cup competition? Carshalton Athletic v Sutton Utd in the league in front of 1,200 or Carshalton Athletic v Ilford in the FA Trophy in front of 219. Which one is likely to cause the most problems? Here is a clue - it's not the cup game where there are 5 or 6 away fans. Yet alcohol is banned from the terraces in one of them... We now live with a sanitized football product. You cannot enjoy yourself at Premier League or Football League games anymore. Want to stand up and cheer a goal? Sure, but at your own risk as you will be breaching a number of ground rules and regulations and could be ejected from the ground. Last week I was "warned" by a steward at West Ham that I was using my camera "excessively" and that I risked having it confiscated. Apparently, it is against Premier League rules or some crap. Indeed I remember a conversation with those lovely chaps at Dataco, who act as judge and jury on who can and cannot have a press pass every year. Part of their agreement is that you are not able to use ANY images taken from within the stadium unless you have signed permission from them. Let me rephrase that. Unless you ask them nicely you cannot take a picture and use it for your website. Stadiums are safer environments than they were ten, fifteen or even twenty years ago but hasn't it now gone a bit too far? Banning fans from having a beer during the game is not going to solve anything. You can drink right up until kick off outside the ground so what are they trying to stop? You can hardly throw a thin plastic cup more than a few yards so that is not an issue either. Let's take the Premier League. Alcohol cannot be sold, served and more importantly drunk within sight of the pitch, unless you are in a corporate hospitality box where you can drink in sight of said pitch but not after 15 minutes prior to the game, half time or 15 minutes post game. In such facilities a curtain is normally pulled across the window to stop this happening. It gets worse. At the Reebok stadium for instance, there are a number of hotel rooms (The Millennium Hotel is part of the ground) which have a view of the pitch. The windows in the room cannot be opened, and unless the crowd are especially noisy you cannot hear a thing from the outside. Want to have a relaxing glass of wine in your room on a Saturday afternoon? Sure, no problems but not between 2.45pm and 5.15pm (approx) if Wanderers are playing. Irrespective if you are watching the game or not, it is still illegal to drink within sight of the pitch as you may

be deemed to be "inciting" the crowd outside by tempting them with your glass of Pinot Grigio. I speak with experience here and I now admitting I have broken the law. Back in the late 1990's prior to the joys of children, CMF and myself used to essentially be away every weekend. When West Ham played away at The Reebok one chilly February Saturday we booked one of these rooms. When we checked in we were told very clearly we could not drink any alcohol when the games was on and that CCTV cameras would be monitoring our room AND that stewards had the right to enter our room to double check our abstinence without permission. It was too much of a temptation, and with West Ham putting up their annual pathetic performance at Bolton on the hour mark we succumb. So I crawled across the floor to the mini bar, opened a couple of Stella's and poured them into coffee cups. Haha we beat the system! Still at least we didn't go as far as the numerous couples who have been caught having sex in the rooms of the SkyDome Hotel overlooking the baseball pitch. Wembley Stadium. The jewel in the crown of the FA. Probably the finest stadium built anywhere in the world in the past twenty years. It even has a number of bars dotted around the wide concourses to try and entice fans in early from the nearby pubs. Except for a number of games it is irrelevant as they are "dry" games. Games where no alcohol can be sold do not necessary mean that everyone has to go without. Get invited into one of the 160 Corporate boxes or one of the executive lounges and the free alcohol will be flowing courtesy of your host. Can you image how few clients would be interested in the experience if there was no booze on offer? Now here is a strange situation. Football is a 90 minute game plus the 15 minute interlude where you have to queue for the loo/bland food or overpriced soft drinks. Cricket is often an 8 hour festival of sport (well sometimes). Do you think that at England v Australia drinking is banned? It is in certain parts of certain grounds such as the Western Terrace at Headingley, but on the whole it is accepted, if not encouraged. Head off to a game at the Oval and as long as you buy your alcohol inside the ground,

and do not try and buy more than 4 pints at a time (including pints of Pimms by the way) you can simply drink all day. Does chaos and mayhem ensue? Do the police have to constantly wade into the crowd and eject people for anti-social behaviour or fighting? Of course not. And the reason? "Because cricket is a different crowd than football". What absolute rubbish. I would suggest that 75% of people who go to cricket also go to football when in season too. So does their behaviour change depending on the game? No of course not. Rugby Union? Been to a game at Twickenham? Exactly - same story. In fact every sport known to man allows you to buy and consume alcohol in sight of the action, apart from games regulated by the FA. But wait....Lets look at this "alcohol leads to crowd trouble and is thus not allowed" argument again. Germany has the highest average top level crowds in Europe. The Bundesliga has better stadiums, cheaper tickets and a more relaxed policy on stewarding. As a result crowds flock into games each and every week. And guess what, you can buy beer to your hearts content. You do not even have to move from the terrace or your seat. They come round to you and even let you pour your own. Holland? Some of the most volatile fans in Europe? Surely beer is banned carte blanche there? Nope. At Utrecht v PSV Eindhoven a few weeks ago we sat merrily drinking Amstel if you please watching the game. Slovakia? Now Spartak Trnava are the best supported team, but also like a little mini riot once in a while, causing significant damage to seats in recent weeks. Have the authorities banned alcohol at their games? Absolutely not. Ditto the situation in Hungary, Austria, Poland and Belgium.

Here in Copenhagen the most recent derby between FCK and Brondby was marred by violence in the lead up to kick off around the city centre. Once in the stadium, guess what? Alcohol was available and events actually calmed down. So in Europe it is acceptable right? For certain competitions for example the UEFA Champions League there is a complete blanket ban on any alcohol consumption inside any ground hosting a UEFA Champions League match or a Europa League game. Same situation at the European Championships. It still doesn't stop Heineken (and their Amstel brand) from being plastered across all advertising and marketing material. And this is the reason why certain games at Wembley are "dry" for the paying public. But here is the strange fact. If the game was a FIFA game - such as a World Cup qualifier, then alcohol is allowed. How different is the crowd between a World Cup qualifier against say Croatia, and one against Bulgaria in a UEFA European Championship qualifier? There is absolutely no difference, but in one you can buy a beer (although still not enjoy it watching the game of course) and one you can buy an overpriced flat lemonade. The situation gets stranger when you look at the World Cup Finals. There, you have been able to not only buy beer, but also drink it in your seats in the past three tournaments at least. Granted it has been mainly Budweiser, as main FIFA partner who have paid upwards of 30 million for the privilege, but it makes a whole mockery of the situation. So if we by some miracle get the World Cup in 2018 what will happen? Will beer be banned or not? Well based on recent announcements from Brazil who are hosting the 2014 event I would suggest it will be outlawed. 2014 is set to be the first alcohol-free World Cup after organisers confirmed sales will be banned at games under anti-hooligan laws. None of the 12 stadia which will host matches will be allowed to sell drinks because of a long history of violence in the ground in the past decade. So back to the original topic. I contacted the FA to ask them about their reasoning behind banning beer on the terrace for Trophy and Vase games. Their response? Well, not surprisingly I am still waiting. And I guess I will still be waiting for some logic this time, next week, next month and next year.

Flickin Hell
In March 1947 in the small Kent village of Langton Green a game was invented that literally changed the past times of millions of children around the world. A chap there called Peter Adolph created a set of plastic footballers that he wanted to market in a game called "Hobby". Unfortunately he could not get a trademark on such a generic name so he settled for the slightly similar Falco Subbuteo which was a bird of prey also known as the Eurasian Hobby (see what he did there...). The first Subbuteo sets, known as the Assembly Outfits, consisted of goals made of wire with paper nets, a cellulose acetate ball, cardboard playing figures in two basic kits (red shirts with white shorts, and blue shirts with white shorts) and bases made from buttons weighed down with lead washers. The first sets were eventually available in March 1947, several months after the original advertisement appeared. The first figures were made of flat cardboard cut out of a long strip. Later these card players came in press-out strips before being replaced with the two-dimensional celluloid figures, known to collectors as "flats". In its early years, Subbuteo had a fierce rivalry with Newfooty, a similar game that had been invented in 1929 by William Keeling of Liverpool. In the run up to Christmas 1961 Adolph introduced a three-dimensional hand painted plastic figure into the range. After several design modifications, this figure evolved by 1967 into the classic "heavyweight" figure. At first sales were slow, but then through sheer persistence and a stroke of luck in getting some endorsements the game became a household name for all young boys. With football hardly on television, and restricted to the radio, many a game was replayed "live" on the green baize whilst listening to the commentary of Peter Jones or Kenneth Wolstenholme. Adolph turned his attentions to other sports, launching editions for Cricket and Rugby (as well as Baseball in the US) then completely losing the plot with Subbuteo Angling and Speedway if you can believe that! None of them really took off despite the fantastic introduction of the rugby scrum machine and the huge kickers which did lead to some kicking competitions for pocket money in the Fuller household. The record of 63 inches (measured by putting 9 7 inch singles on the floor end to end) still stands today for one of these successful kicks. But it was football that held our attention. Simple to play with the rules of football but the ability to learn the tactics of the world's greatest teams. Who didn't try the crowding the goalkeeper corner technique and then shooting the ball in hoping for a lucky deflection?

It wasn't long before the general public craved more realism. First game simple things like the different coloured balls. When Adidas introduced the Tango ball in 1978 I patiently coloured in my white balls with black pen, and likewise when the Surridge red and white ball was used in England. Then came spring loaded goalkeepers so that they could tip the ball over the bar (as well as flick any forwards out of the way with amazing effects), the throw in experts that never worked but inspired one young man to say to his Mum "One day I want to throw the ball like a Subbuteo thrower" (Step forward Mr Delap). The more they brought out, the more the public lapped up these accessories. Some people, mentioning no names, built a whole room full of the game. It became popular in pop culture as well, made famous by Half Man Half Biscuit in their song "All I want for Christmas is a Dulka Prague away kit" as well as The Undertones who featured a Subbuteo player on the cover of their single "My perfect cousin". So to what lengths could people go to to make their Subbuteo set more realistic? We've picked ten of the more unusual accessories that have been made throughout the years. VIP Presentation set - Subbuteo was a big game game. There was no point in playing a pre-season friendly between Waltham Abbey (in a kit very similar to Celtic's) and Hendon (aka Norwich City). Subbuteo was about the Cup Finals. And you could even buy the replica trophies as well, as seen here sported by Patrick Marber as Lewes took on Thurrock in this years competition although it was about 500 times bigger than the actual players. The trophy of course took pride of place on the half way line during those big games, but it was never really like real football was it? After all who would give the cup to the winning captain? Step forward the VIP set consisting of a Queen/Queen Mother type character (seen above holding a large carrot), a stereotypical 1970's club chairman, a bloke who looks like Windy Miller from Camberwick Green and a random other chap who had obviously blagged his way into the VIP area.

Ken Bailey- Back in the 1960's and 70's Britain was still hanging onto their empirical traditions, lording it over the rest of the world as if we had a God given right to say We are British as an excuse for anything. Whenever England played abroad we would wheel out our "ambassador", an old chap called Ken Bailey. Ken would be wearing a top hat, a Union Jack waistcoat and be waving a Union flag. When fans would be on the verge of rioting, in would wander Ken, offering a white gloved hand in peace all in the name of Britain. God bless Ken. Subbuteo brought out a limited edition Ken figure and initially was given away free with the official match programme from England v Portugal in 1969. Many a near riot in the Fuller household games of Subbuteo was saved after that day by the appearance of Ken on the green carpet. Dugout - You could write a book about Dugouts. In fact I know a man who has done just that. So you could forgive Subbuteo for bringing this accessory out as one of the first additions to the stadium. Early models were made of a fake corrugated metal but they came into the modern age with a Perspex version complete with the coaching team in tight green tracksuits and a suited manager who sat permanently with his head in his hands, although he did at least show more passion than Sven Goran Ericksson did as England manager. I painted the roof of my dugouts with big Home and Away signs in Tipex although Subbuteo only sold them with the same managerial team in green tracksuits and same depressed manager which was only useful when recreating dull West Ham versus Stoke City games. Streaker set - Not actually an official Subbuteo release but has there ever been a better product to bring the game right up to date than a streaker set? Available in a male or female version complete with two unfit and overweight chasing policemen, what more pleasure could you have in flicking a naked female figure across the pitch. Rumoured to be available in Hollywood, Brazilian or Amazon Bush varieties the streaker would never be caught and would inevitably escape from the authorities and thus avoid a stadium ban by being flicked under the bed.

TV crew - Subbuteo was a world leader when it came to TV coverage. Long before Sky Sports took over our beautiful game with their super slo-mo 3D HD cameras Subbuteo launched its own TV crew comprising of a special TV tower and a few handheld cameramen who took up positions around the ground. In the days before the tactics truck was wheeled in behind the main stand we built TV studios from Lego with Lego men complete with toupee hairpieces representing Jimmy Hill and David Coleman. I also built a big screen behind the goal from Lego and covered it in tin foil to give that authentic seventies crap TV effect. The Beatles - This is no joke. At the height of their Shea Stadium fame, Subbuteo brought out a limited edition Beatles figure set. If they would have made a Brian Epstein as well they could have formed a five a side team. Whilst they did not come with their own flickable bases they played a flat back four and were world beaters. And who better to play the virtual national anthem on the pitch before a big game? A mint condition boxed set of the fab four today fetches well over four figures. Ken Bates style fences - In the 1980's Ken Bates, then chairman of Chelsea, built huge fences around the edge of the pitch at Stamford Bridge, topping it off with barbed wire and then running an electrical current through it. What was so ironic about this was that he then parked disabled people's cars right in front of the away section. So what better way to recreate that edgy caged animal effect than by erecting your own ridiculous tall fence around the pitch? In fact taller than two Subbuteo players on top of each other (so in ratio it would be about 12 foot tall). So to recreate those classic cup ties at The Den or Ayresome Park you spent hours putting all the fences together, because if you didn't complete the whole perimeter it just kept falling over. And then once in place you realise that it is impossible to actually do important things like take corners or throw-ins, so you tore them all down just like Ken was forced to do. Stadium services team - Any big game requires a support team to help make sure everything on the big day goes according to plan. And Subbuteo delivered the necessary resources. Ball boys all decked out in matching yellow tracksuits ready to be placed around the pitch and like in real life not budging an inch when a ball came anywhere near. Photographers who could be placed around the pitch ready to snap any major points around the ground, or simply focus on the good looking women in the

crowd and missing the main talking point. And the chief of police, on his horse pointing accusingly at anyone and everyone. I always directed his accusation at my opposition goalkeeper to make him nervous. First aid team - Subbuteo players were always in the wars. I do not ever remember finishing a game without at some point kneeling on one of them, flattening the poor mite. That called for immediate medical attention (not just for the player but for me a condition known as Subbuteo knee was common in the Fuller household and required immediate ice). So what better accessory than a "trainer" complete with magic sponge (or in the case of West Ham's Rob Jenkins, a bottle of Whiskey) and two old ambulance men complete with a stretcher left over from the Second World War. There was a sure fire way to avoid these injuries - play games at altitude, also known as the Dining Room table. Floodlights - When I decided to write about ten Subbuteo accessories, there would always be a danger that I would not be able to give them all justice. The tenth in the list could have been the Marching Band, the terraces with the supporters you had to paint or what the hell, not ignoring the fact that the specialist corner kickers were actually three times the size of the other players. But I felt it would be an injustice to leave out the one and only accessory that required power - the floodlights. These hulking unstable lights provided absolutely no light whatsoever when they were wired up and would have failed any inspection from the Subbuteo Football Licensing Authority that is for sure. In fact they were one of the biggest wastes of money in the whole series of products. Turn the big light off and slowly feel your way to the pitch, treading on little players as you went and you would be soon cursing and swearing. For the price of two of these lights you could buy four reading lamps from British Home Stores and bathe the pitch in real light. Most men aged between 25 and 50 have a Subbuteo story. Some even have their sets in the attic today. We all have our stories of past glories, of how Berwick Rangers managed to upset the mighty Real Madrid, or how you flicked a player the length of the pitch to slot the ball home in the six yard box. Subbuteo did have some sense though. The offside rule was the perfect example. The creators added a line across the pitch 25 yards out from goal where players could not be judged offside in (towards the centre spot and not the goal). Can you imagine if this line was introduced in the real game? Arsenal's famous back four would have been

useless, Pippo Inzhagi would have never been offside and linesmen would only have to run half the distance they do today. And what about the goalkeeper on a stick? The rule we played was that if you flicked your keeper out of the net he had to stay there until there was a break in play, so the rush of blood to the head was only a last resort measure. And of course you couldn't send him up for the last minute corner at the other end if you were trailing in a game. I could go on forever, waxing lyrical about marathon cup competitions, replaying World Cup games, planning the matches for days in advanced and even producing match programmes (come on, admit it you made one too at some point). The excitement of spending your pocket money on a new overseas team, who were essentially the same as a British team. I remember paying 1.95 for Shaktar Donestk only to find out in the catalogue that it was also Dundee United at cost just 1.50. I combined Subbuteo with my other great love, Lego to build monstrous stadiums in multi-coloured seats (copied I would hasten to add by Sporting Lisbon amongst others when they rebuilt the Alvalade) that made it impractical to actually play a game but it looked good. Today the game still has cult status. There are literally hundreds of clubs up and down the country. In September the Subbuteo World Championships were held in Bristol with a prize pot of 10,000, having been held around Europe every year since 1987. Computer games may have got more realistic year after year but sometimes you want the likes of Alloa Athletic turning over Barcelona right? Keep flicking.

The Future of the football programme


For over a hundred years football programmes have been the vital accompaniment to any match. Even the smallest, most insignificant game is normally commemorated by the issue of a match day programme. I know some people who will not count that they have been to see a game unless they can get a programme or at least a team sheet. They have also been in some instances a valuable commodity, with some programmes being sold at major auction houses around the world for more than 20,000, although ironically these days when programmes are mass produced glossy "brochures", the programmes that fetch the highest bids on the likes of eBay are pirate programmes, often complete with spelling mistakes and miss credited photos. When West Ham went on their last "European Tour" there was not a programme issued for the game in Palermo. There was an official press pack that of course found its way onto eBay, but the greatest demand came from a fake programme issued in small numbers, and sold to arriving fans at Palermo airport complete with photos of Rio instead of Anton Ferdinand, and the recently departed Marlon Harwood instead of Carlton Cole. Oh, and of course the club were managed by Alan Mildew instead of Pardew. Original editions of some games are still in great demand from collectors around the world, but has the day of the programme now passed? Modern technology and our leisure time activity means that programmes are out of date the second they are printed. In the days of modern squads there is no finesse in what the clubs produce, simply listing the whole squad, rather than listing the potential starting XI normally given to the programme editor by the manager himself. So why do clubs still persist in producing them, and more importantly why do fans still buy them? I still tend to buy a programme when I go to visit a new club. Take Wealdstone for instance. I have nothing against them - it just happened to be one of the last programmes I bought when they played a pre-season game in late July against Dagenham & Redbridge. The club produced a 32 page programme covering their preseason games against Dagenham and Watford later in the week for 2. Value for money? Well not really. Take away 4 pages of adverts, 2 pages dedicated to the team line ups, 2 pages taken up by forthcoming season fixtures and you have 24 pages of content. Plenty there for everyone wouldn't you say? Well, 9 1/2 pages were taken up to a review of the visitors Dagenham & Redbidge yet there wasn't a single page devoted to Watford. The rest was a mix of photos and articles that had also appeared on their website. So what value did any fans get out of the programme? 9 1/2

pages for the away team? When there were more Dagenham players than fans at the game? Wealdstone fans surely don't want to have such detail about a team they will more than likely never see play again. Social media networks such as Twitter allow information to be shared as soon as it is released to all interested parties with ease. Wealdstone themselves use it to send out club news and update on games. Free software such as Wordpress, Joumla and Drupal has enabled clubs to build websites that are attractive, feature rich and can be updated with ease. So is there a place for the match day programme as we know it? Most clubs struggle to fill a 24 or a 32 page programme on a regular basis. There is a fine balance to be made in the lower leagues between making it profitable by selling advertising space or by filling it with well written and exclusive content that is fresh for the fans who buy it. Fans no longer want to read interviews with players who claim their undying love for the club and its fans, or that their favourite meal is steak and chips. They want something new, or do they? Adverts are usually irrelevant to the club and are simply in there because the commercial manager managed to do a deal on selling the space. How often do you see an ad "Wishing the Club all the best for the forthcoming season"? Simply a space filler. Carlisle United have taken a very bold step this year. They realise that most of their fans visit the website on a daily, if not a weekly basis. Some will also sign up to the club's email newsletter sent once a week, and a few will follow the official and unofficial Twitter feeds and Facebook pages. So instead of churning out a 48 page programme filled with old content and adverts for 3, they are producing a much smaller edition for 1. Less content, but more relevant and interesting content. And the result? Virtually every edition has been sold out with a penetration rate of over 20% of match day attendees purchasing the programme. Whenever and wherever England play an international you will find a small FREE magazine being given away outside the group called Free Lions. Written by the Football Supporters Federation it includes items such as location themed quizzes, information on the next away destination (or the current one), special offers for the fans and interesting content written by journalists and not the FA. But what is interesting content?

I have got involved heavily with Lewes FC's match day programme this season. We realised last season that it wasn't what the fans wanted. So now the 40 page match day programme, which sells for 2 includes 12 pages of adverts, but 28 pages of new content. Each away team has one page on the club itself, focusing on 10 facts about them whilst each player in the squad has one line on them on the back cover team line ups - for instance Andre Foster "has represented Trinidad in the World Youth Games". Other content includes articles that have appeared on this very blog (and Danny Last's European Football Weekends site such as interviews with Clive Tyldesley and Kevin Day), a fans review of a previous away game and an unusual guide to forthcoming away days. Why do clubs dedicate, as Wealdstone did, so much information on the away team? The away fans know everything there is to know about their team so its irrelevant to them, and do home fans really care about in-depth profiles about their opponents? Take West Ham (no, please). Last season when they played Manchester United they dedicated sections on Wayne Rooney and Sir Alex Ferguson - as if any fans who went to the game didn't know about them. Stats pages were always the most interesting part of the programme - but again the internet has changed that. The emergence of OPTA has revolutionised the way us nerds watch and analyse football. Want to know the impact of making a substitution had on a game, well there are sites for that too such as the excellent Zonal Marking. Away Travel section? How many fans would take one a programme with them when they travelled to a new away group? Compare that to those who simply type the postcode in their SatNav system to get accurate information including the latest travel. Away fans want to know where Do we really want to read the egotistic ramblings of the chairman or the manager who throws in every clich in the book in their description of the 6-0 defeat last week? Pictures from the most recent games? It is hard to make football pictures interesting at the best of time. Some of the best sports photographers I know, such as David Bauckham andJames Boyes who specialises in non-league football, focus on the events around the pitch that bring life to the game. So what is the future? Carlisle's model is an interesting one and I will monitor it to see if it works. Certainly clubs need to invest in external content, looking at articles not just about their clubs, but about the world of football as a whole. There are thousands of excellent websites out there that produce new content every day - all they need to do is ask.

Some common sense please?


In less than two years time the 30th Summer Olympics will officially open in East London. Two hundred and five countries will be sending over eighteen thousand athletes to compete in thirty different sports and over three hundred events. One of the most eagerly anticipated sports is the football, as for the first time in our living lives we will see a combined Great Britain team try to win Gold. But unlike many other sports (Boxing being a notable other exception), the football has a number of stipulations as to which players can be picked to play. Each team will consist of its "under 23's" team, which is interesting as we don't actually have one, and can be supplemented with three over aged players. Whilst there will be a Great Britain team, to be managed by Sir Alex Ferguson so we are led to believe, quite who will be playing is unclear. The tournament comes right in the middle of pre-season preparations, and starts (the football tournament actually commences on the 25th July) just 24 days after the final of Euro2012 in Poland and Ukraine. Also, whilst it is a "Great Britain" team, in a letter to the IOC in May 2009 the Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish Football Associations said that they would not be allowing qualified players to play in the team, although they would not stop the team being called a "Great Britain" XI. So all round happy faces. Twenty eight teams will play in the tournament but it is the choice of venues that makes interesting reading. It will be one of the first Olympic games where the final will not be played in the main Olympic Stadium (1992 and 1996 were played elsewhere) with Wembley Stadium being used. But the other games will all be held in stadiums with capacities far greater than demand is likely to be. Five other venues will be used for the tournament:Old Trafford - capacity 76,212 Hampden Park - capacity 52,103 St James' Park - capacity 52,103 Ricoh Arena - capacity 32,500 Millennium Stadium - capacity 74,500 Now call me an old sceptical goat but do we really think that the crowds "will flock to these special games" as the organising committee would have us believe? Remember back to Euro96 in England where a number of games played in the likes of the City Ground Nottingham or even St James's Park when the unofficial crowd for Romania v Bulgaria could have been counted on one hand. One thing the organisers could do of course to get better attendances is ensure the ticket prices are very low. But they seem

to have ignored that. On announcing the "pocket money prices", how many will come and see Mali v South Korea in Coventry for 20 (if you can get any), let alone 185 for a final ticket at Wembley (more expensive that the most expensive Champions League final ticket in May 2011). The concept of children "paying their age" is all fine and dandy, but a 15 year old will end up paying more than he would for England v Montenegro in a Euro2012 qualifier at Wembley. Four years ago China sold the tickets dirt cheap for all events. Eight years ago in Greece they played the football games in stadiums miles away from Athens (bar one exception), with ticket prices at just 10. Attendances were fine for games featuring the host nation or favourites Argentina but for the likes of Paraguay v Ghana they attracted just over a thousand fans. Do we really think that Mali v South Korea at Old Trafford in 2012 will attract anyone than a few dozen fans? Sure its "The Olympics" but you are not seeing the best players in the world nor are we evening seeing the best youngsters as the big clubs will always try and find a loophole to stop their players being released. England is often a host country for International friendlies. Just last week we saw Brazil play Ukraine at Derby's Pride Park. The reason - apparently Derby has the largest Ukrainian community in England. Thirteen thousand turned up to watch it, but if it would have been Ukraine v Switzerland what are the bets the attendance would have been sub 2,000 although at 30 a ticket it probably didn't help as well. In the past few months we have seen Ghana v Latvia at Milton Keynes, played in front of 5,000 mostly Ghanian fans but priced at over 25 for an adult seat and the classic South Korea v Ivory Coast played at 3pm on a weekday at Loftus Road which attracted an "official" attendance of 6,000 although unofficially a friend counted no more than 1,000 there. Nearly three years ago I went to Craven Cottage to watch a full strength Australian team play a full strength Nigeria team. It was a Saturday at 3pm. Tickets were 20 and despite being almost in the heart of the biggest Australian community outside Australia itself less than 5,000 turned up. So here to me was the logical decision. Play the matches at sub-15,000 capacity stadiums for the opening games and cut ticket prices by 50%. Belarus v Chile will never attract more than 5,000 even if the tickets were 5 each so why not play it at Brentford,

Walsall or even Crewe? Cardiff City's new stadium could be perfect for the games based in Wales, and St Mirren's new ground could substitute for Hampden. Or is this more about putting on a show for the world? Who will be asking and more importantly answering the questions when the games kick off in Newcastle with one man and his dog in the ground?

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