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58372451 a Circle of Six Senses

58372451 a Circle of Six Senses

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Published by Pape Jules Gaye

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Published by: Pape Jules Gaye on Jun 22, 2011
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial


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I find the whole shape of Scribd has been changed for me whether I willhave it or not. Today began like any other day. I slept in a bit because Ididn’t sleep very well last night and then I woke, remembering I had a 1:45pm mammogram appointment to go to. Luckily our hospital is five minutesaway and I had the time to shower, dress and stand out in the crazy colors of the garden whistling up all sorts of songbirds.Then we got in the truck and sped over to the Imaging Center, where I took my clothes on and off for about an hour. This is only my second mammo-gram and I have small breasts so I couldn’t remember much about theprocedure. When that part was done, the nurse sent me across the street tothe doctor’s office again.I had spent a lot of time lst night going through old photographs, I don’tknow why, but there she was the beautiful gypsy woman. My mother hadalways told me I was beautiful, but I figured there was an agenda behind thatbecause she smacked me around so much, let her second husband pound onus kids for a measley second paycheck…Anyway I cried last night ,realizing she was right, I was beautiful. Back then. I’m okay now, in mywild turban and my orange kimono.When I got to the doctor’s office, there weren’t many people in the waitingroom. But still I expected a bit of a wait. But no, my doctor came outstraight away and I followed him into his office. Suddenly I froze, the deerin the headlights. I knew something was wrong, but how wrong was still a
mystery.The history of my doctor is a wonderful story. I am fifty-five and he iseither in his early to mid-sixties. He was an SDSer in the sixties, though optout when he saw the violent turn the group was taking. He cares aboutpeople and the environment a lot. He holds his emotions in because he caresso much and he appears to have little affect and this is what I had to dealwith when he said I had cancer throughout the right breast and it wouldhave to come off. He came straight out and told me I had breast cancer.No shilly-shallying around. Just the fuckin’ facts. I broke out radio-loud,uncontrollable crying with snot running down my face mingled with tears.But it was the LOUD-NESS of my self that shocked me. I could not bequiet. And then I turned it off, just like that. I had to be able to ask himquestions, define the limitations of this disease…My heart is breaking.I can’t get a grip on my external nor internal self. Since I was ten years old Ihave dealt with death beginning with my heart condition. Then falling on myspine and truly wrecking my ability to walk normal, sit normal for any left of time… Then Celiac’s Disease, so many small things that confront the sensesThe senses.In the dressing room, I had my clothes on andoff at least four times and atone point, I stopped and said out out, “ I am glad this is happy to ME and notand atheist who would be in so much fear of what comes next. I said thatbecause I have this total faith of what comes next, and yet I am still filledwith an amount of fear I have never experienced before. But I am still afraid.That doesn’t mean I don’t trust G-d. This doesn’t mean I have doubts about

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