The Illegal Housing of a Known Cat by Heath Hines Here's the life story of my cat.

I wrote it as a companion piece to an essay I wrote, entitled, "The Inveterate Bachelor." Unsurprisingly, there's more to say about Campbell than my dating life.... Ive been single for a really long time, now. I said that recently to someone who I was chatting up. He said he probably had me beat, at ten years. He was right Ive been single only about nine years so far. He did say, however, that during most of those ten years of his, he was in the closet and not really capable of or comfortable with dating someone in whom he may have had an interest or even a burning desire, for that matter. Me, I dont have such a reason or maybe even much of a reason at all. Ive been out of the closet for fourteen years now. And Im wondering if these last nine of them, however, have been out of the closet and in my own little world. Dont get me wrong its a planet populated with people and plenty of friends. But Im beginning to think that its my own little world. For example: If you were an attractive and eligible bachelor and were to ask me what my favourite position is, Id invariably say, On my back with my cat Campbell on top of me, her little chin upon my chest, my arms around her as we rest. Im afraid I adore her. The story of how shes come into my life is, at times, almost comic. I rent a small studio apartment in a complex of eight that was being frequented by a small, friendly three-color tabby cat. Having occasionally fed the stray cat or two that would come by the complex before, I decided to feed this one as well, as she was so affectionate a cat that youd think her a whore. Of course, some have said that of me, but thats another story. In fact, she was so affectionate that, sadly, one could tell she was obviously an abandoned domestic cat. Soon, I began to leave the backdoor of my apartment ajar so that she could come in and eat whenever she got hungry. This was a violation on two counts: 1. security; 2. tenancy no pets are allowed, as per the rental agreement. Nonetheless, I enjoyed having something else in my living space that was moving, breathing, and affectionate. And cute, too :) . At first, I insisted that if she were to stay the night then she would sleep on the couch. The last time that I had lived with a cat was when I lived with a boyfriend, Rick, for several months, and I had developed severe allergies to cat dander. So, as his cat, Alphie, was an allergen to me, as well as unaffectionate and emotionally closed (and, no Im not confusing the cat with the boyfriend), I tended to not really need or consciously, anyway even want a cat. Even if she did try to smother me with dander and love. But Campbell would jump from the couch and onto my bed, so I would replace her on the couch, explaining, No, kitty if youre going to stay here, no schleepy on the beddy. No furry on beddy. Okay, schweetie baby? For, while cats cant really understand English they can understand baby talk, right? Surprisingly, I did not have an allergic reaction to Campbell. Was it the difference between long-haired and short-haired cats? Or was it that being a stray, outdoor cat ionically charged the dander to adhere to her fur, therefore her dander never became airborne? Was she just too dirty to sneeze at? I even pondered this with my friends, one of whom said, Heath you so need a cat. You obviously want one.

Amy was right. Unfortunately, the landlords didnt allow cats. But she suggested that I keep her anyway. I was puzzled at the suggestion. How? Just do it. If they see the cat and ask just say you dont know what theyre talking about. My landlords are sweet people and I couldnt see asserting craziness on their part, but I continued to feed Campbell and illegally let her sleep on not my bed but my couch. Soon, however, she began to sleep on my bed with me. I forget the exact day, but I swear I got an envelope in the mail one day, which was addressed to Campbell and contained therein her certificate of registration and ownership of one Heath Hines. The rest is continuing history. I do feel guilty for illegally housing a cat. But in reality, its been comically inconvenient and dangerous at times. Some days were both gripping and amusing. Being free during the daytime, I would occasionally see my landlords, the Newtons, as they carted out the tenant trash or watered the plants. Campbell and I would hide in the apartment, me trying to keep the cat quiet and imagining that the landlords were the Nazis, my writing the stuff of future historical literature my studio apartment is landmarked and preserved for future generations: The Heath Hines Studio! Where it all happened! Well, if my imagination got the best of me Hell, I was trapped! The worst times were when there was construction on the property. The landlords would be on property all day long! One day, I couldnt stay home any longer because I had an appointment and had to leave, despite the landlords being in the front yard. Rather than take the risk that they would hear her, if she was scratching at the door to get out, I would shoo Campbell out the back door so that she would go play. Then, I would walk out of my apartment through the front door, then greet the Figs on the way to my car. But then Campbell would walk or run up to me and practically rub up against my leg like it was a lover. Yeah that was a fun one to play off. Then there was the time that I pulled up in my car and the Figs were talking to my neighbour, Aiina. Campbell came running up to my car, and stretched her head up, trying to look at me over the car windowsill. So, I crapped my pants, took a deep breath, and walked funny over to the Figs: How you guys doin? Did you see that, Heath? The cat really knows you! Beautiful day, huh? Oh, yeah its a beautiful day. So, the cat really seems to like you, Heath! How are you guys doin? Any new units available? Its a beautiful day, huh? The cat really likes you, Heath. She seems to know you. Oh, hi there Kitty! Oh, look it looks like someone got her a flea collar [a neighbour/fellow tenant did]. Did you do buy her the flea collar, Heath? Oh, no. Actually, I would be worried about it snagging in a bush. I hear theyre not really safe.

At this point, Im kneeling, petting Campbell, but she has a skittish moment (she doesnt like to be pet on her sides), nips me, and then jumps away. Relieved, I say Well, I guess the cat doesnt like me after all. Did you see that? She tried to bite me! What a mean cat. Doesnt like me at all uh-uh no way! All the while, Aiina is trying not to laugh her ass off. And Im not certain, but I dont think I played that one off real well. Eventually, several tenants began to feed the cat. In fact, because of a gas leak, the Figs had to go into Cliffs apartment and saw a supply of cat food in the kitchen. Whew! He could take the fall. But consequently, all the tenants got a notice that: SDG&E WILL BE ON PROPERTY FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS AND DO NOT FEED THE CAT. That, of course, did not stop me, nor any of the other tenants. Occasionally, the Figs have asked to use my restroom while on the property and I was home. I would only ever open the door just a few inches, or just the small peep window in the door. I would invariably follow their request with the response: Absolutely! Of course you can come in and use the restroom! Just let me rudely close the door on your face so that I can pretend to clean up the bathroom while, in reality, I throw the cat out the back door and squirt her with reprimands of, Shoo! and a water gun, into confusion and the questioning of my love or hate for her. Just a sec! I would feel so guilty: Count number three: betrayal. But I did this, of course, only in the interest of the big picture objective: keep her safe, at home, and with me. I admit I adore her. One of the other co-feeding tenants has moved out and weve had a couple of new tenants move in but Ive let everyone on property know that Im primarily the one who takes care of Campbell and that if anyone dislikes having her on property, I will find a good home for her but I prefer that they tell me rather than complain to the landlords. Its a wonderful community of neighbours, as not only have we all spent some time together in the courtyard and now know each other most of them even leave their doors open on weekend afternoons when they are home and let Campbell come and go as she pleases. And oh, she does, the adorable little cat whore that she is! I think shes got a racket going puppy dog eyes and free cat food. As more time passed (and with the possible discovery that more than just one tenant was feeding Campbell) the Figs declared that they wouldnt raise Cain about the cat, but that, should she get sick, someone would have to take her to the vet. And that, if this person leaves, he or she could not abandon the cat. I listened carefully and tacitly agreed to this. Maybe that was the official day. So, I feed her, I de-flea her with Advantage, I brush her with talc, and Im even thinking about getting pet health insurance for her. I try to play with her more often, but I think shes learned that when Im at my computer, Auggie shes not going to get that much attention. Maybe she accepts it because she thinks Im writing about her, anyway. But I have to say,

though, that I miss when I used to write and she would jump up on my lap and just stay there with me while I whizzed away on the computer. I do, however, make some time to play with her. Independent as we both are we still enjoy that. Its unfortunate, however, that she gets bored so quickly. Of course, it makes me think shes just like me affectionate, a little stray, and easily bored. But thats another story. Ive tried several kitty toys but shes either quickly over it, figured it out already, or simply too above it to encourage me. Sadly, shes happy just lurking and watching while I run around with a feather on a stick for a whole ten minutes. Another thing thats hard to play off real cool. Occasionally, Ill blow bubbles for her but I cant do it too often, lest she get bored with that, too. Sadly, its my favourite thing to do with her but if I know her shell find it pass all too quickly. For now, though, she cant quite figure out what they are or how they are going to behave. Will these strange see-through bubbles sit on the carpet? And when will they suddenly disappear? Or will they pop mid-air? Can they be eaten? Whats that saying about curiosity? Maybe it should be about confusion, because its totally killin her, not knowing whats going on with those strange things called bubbles. This activity even inspired a homework assignment for my Radio & Television class a two-voice radio commercial with sound effects me, me imitating Campbell meowing, and me making the sound of popping bubbles. I also like to toss her up a couple of feet above the bed in a partial helicopter twist while saying, Who wants to take a trip to Kalamazoo? Then I lie down, she walks onto my chest, gives me kisses on my chin, and goes to sleep while I pet her. Shes just about the perfect cat for me or thats at least how I choose to think of her. I think we fit together well. I like the way she prefers running water to still water so that she basically drinks from her paw underneath the faucet. And I like that when I get home, she knows the sound of my car, comes running up, and walks me to my door. And I love that when shes in someone elses apartment, she knows the sound of my footfall and scratches at their door so that they can let her out to come and greet me. We even spoon, we fit together that well. But what I love most is when were in my apartment together, late at night, without a soul to bother us the world around us fast asleep. So for now, Im happy being the single owner of a single cat, smothered in dander and love. I think we both are, actually smothered with each other and happy. Weve even learned to respect each others boundaries, if you can imagine that. Well maybe only cat owners can understand that. Right now, my life is such happiness, if its seeing her from my computer desk, as she sleeps on my bed, her little chin resting upon her paw, while my brain whirs away in its own little world.