CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

SALES PITCH

***

‘What does this mean?’ Mrs Jones said with an unsure expression. ‘Will he need
treatment or medication?’
‘As far as we can tell,’ Doctor Taylor said, examining the X-Rays in front of him for the
hundredth time. ‘There’s absolutely nothing medically wrong with your son, nothing
other than the obvious. There’s no genetic predisposition for such a change, it’s simply …
a mystery.’
Mrs Jones narrowed her eyes. ‘Three weeks you’ve been testing him,’ she said
crossly. ‘And that’s your answer now is it? A mystery? If it wasn’t a bloody mystery, I
wouldn’t have brought him to the hospital, would I?’
‘If we could determine a cause for your son’s … affliction,’ Doctor Taylor said, choosing
his words carefully. ‘We might have a better understanding of the mechanics behind it.
But, as there is no known disease that could cause such a change we simply can’t begin
to look at any kind of viable treatment, if there even is one … you don’t live near a
nuclear power station do you? Right next door? Single flat inside the reactor perhaps?’
‘No,’ Mrs Jones frowned.
‘Any power lines or phone masts in your area?’
‘None,’ Mrs Jones said, biting her lip in irritation. ‘If it were something simple like that, I
might have worked it out for myself. I’m only concerned about his wellbeing, Doctor. Will
it make him sick? If so, how badly and for how long? Will he be allergic to anything?
Should I buy extra insurance?’
‘Mrs Jones,’ Doctor Taylor said calmly. ‘This genetic abnormality, as far as we can tell,
will not have any adverse affect on your son’s development. Other than the natural
boyhood difficulties incurred by anybody even remotely different than the norm, I would
say with stout certainty that he is perfectly healthy. This condition will be what you
make of it.’
Mrs Jones leaned further across the desk. ‘You’re trying to tell me that there’s
nothing wrong with him?! You’re saying that he’s perfectly healthy?’
‘I am,’ Doctor Taylor nodded. ‘Some might call him miracle of nature.’
‘Others might call him a freak,’ Mrs Jones retorted.
‘True,’ Doctor Taylor nodded sagely. ‘But, as there is nothing medically wrong with him
and no way that we can see of reversing the anomaly, other than extreme measures that
I am unprepared to go into, this matter is now squarely in your hands.’
‘That’s the best the National Health Service can do?’ Mrs Jones frowned as Doctor Taylor
rose from his seat.
‘What can I say?’ Doctor Taylor said with a frown, opening the door to his office. ‘I’m
afraid you get what you pay for.’

***

‘No, I don’t think I’ve ever considered the benefits of having a second mortgage,’ Welshy,
the sentient Milk Carton mused as he perched atop a large stool. ‘Mostly because I don’t
have a house of course.’
‘That’s the beauty of this programme,’ the sweaty salesman said eagerly. ‘You don’t need
a house in order to sign up for this plan. Plus, you get your choice of a free gift when you
sign up.’
‘I really don’t think I need this kind of deal,’ Welshy said flatly. ‘To be honest, I think it’s
probably some sort of scam.’
The salesman looked affronted. ‘I can assure you, sir-’
‘Really,’ Welshy interrupted, holding up one of his tiny hands. ‘Nothing you can say will
convince me otherwise, seriously.’
‘Oh well then,’ the salesman shrugged and took something from his pocket. ‘Here, have a
badge anyway. They’re shiny.’
‘Errr thanks,’ Welshy said unsurely and stuck the badge onto the top of his head,
anything to make the salesman finally go away.
‘OUT!’ Red seethed suddenly out of nowhere, striding past and grabbing the spammer
under the arm, marching him away into a specially cordoned off area of The Mercury
Rooms that had been created to house the salesmen for the time being. They had already
scared off some of the shyer members and the Moderators were at a loss as to how
exactly to deal with the problem until Freaka-chu, Jason and now Fred could
successfully upgrade the Black Hole System to reverse what it had done.
Still, the members that remained – which were still numbering in the thousands –
were determined not to let any of the problems mar their enjoyment.

‘Nice,’ Steffman observed as he clicked through the photographs on the display pad that
was being handed around the Off-Topic Section. ‘Sweet bedroom you’ve got there.’
‘Thanks,’ Ganjanaut nodded appreciatively, passing the pad on whilst accepting another.
‘Whose room is this?’
‘Showing everybody pictures of your bedroom at home,’ Pun said, shaking his head as he
craned his head over the other people’s shoulders to see. ‘That’s just inviting peeping
Toms and stalkers … plus, my room’s much better than those.’ He was ignored.
‘My god,’ Edith chucked as she did a double-take at the pictures on the pad she was
holding. ‘Whose room is this?’
‘Does it have pink curtains?’ Craic Pipe inquired.
‘No,’ Edith shook her head.
‘Oh … never mind,’ Craic said and returned to his own pictures.
‘It’s full of text books and … blueprints or something,’ Roxy said, squinting at the screen.
‘They’re equations,’ Elion said plainly. ‘That’s my room.’
‘DEAR GOD!’ Jazz exclaimed, snatching the pad away from Roxy. ‘He’s building a Death
Star!’
‘I’m not building a Death Star,’ Elion sighed in exasperation. ‘I couldn’t get the permits.’
Elion had been averse to showing every member and their dog – which some of
them actually had with them – pictures of his home. But it seemed to keep people’s
minds off the recent difficulties.
Like the Artwork section where members like Gerrardinho, 40Thieves, Tweak,
Rivaldo and several others had begun setting up competitions. The Anime section had
taken off rapidly with Vash seemingly well into his element. Even Detective Fischer had
taken a liking to it. Whatever it took to keep the community growing and happy, Elion
reminded himself quietly.
‘Seriously,’ Pun’s voice came again. ‘Your rooms fail. Mine is seriously so much better.’
‘I’d bring some pictures of the army barracks,’ Ron clucked. ‘But I’d probably get court
marshalled for it.’
‘You know whose room I’d really like to see,’ Steffman said, bringing his head in closer to
the group.
‘You mom’s?’ Jazz sneered.
‘No,’ Steffman retorted and nodded towards the red post box that sat idly next to the now
cordoned off entrance to The Black Hole Room.
‘I’ve got lock picks,’ Ron said, reaching into his pack.
‘You sure that’s wise?’ BJ asked starkly.
‘He’s not around,’ Craic shrugged.
‘Actually, I’d be very interested to see what’s inside there,’ Tommy said with a smirk.
‘Excuse me,’ one of the salesmen pushed his way into the group. ‘Can I interest anybody
in one of our many free gifts?’ He asked, holding out a box full of small trinkets.
Jazz narrowed his eyes and took out his cancer ray. ‘I think we all know where
Jazz is going with this.’

*
‘You’re doing it wrong!’ Jason insisted as Freaka-chu tossed a piece of circuitry out of the
panel.
‘Probably,’ Freaka-chu nodded waving the buzzing Bionic Screwdriver. ‘However, doing it
right thus-far hasn’t gotten us anywhere has it?’
‘Novel,’ Fred nodded slowly, folding his arms as he crouched down and peered into the
hole. ‘I’m still not clear on how this happened. Why would the system copy the spammers
rather than just delete them? Doesn’t that suggest some sort of issue with the filter?’
‘It would,’ Jason frowned. ‘If the filter wasn’t working the way it should. Something about
this particular spammer was different. It was … wrong in some way. The system just
didn’t catch it.’
‘I see,’ Fred nodded. ‘But you have no idea why it happened or, how to stop it from
happening again?’
‘At this point,’ Jason said gruffly, wiping his forehead. ‘Not a clue.’
‘Which is normally how I work best,’ Freaka-chu said with a smirk.
‘You’re still doing it wrong!’ Jason cried suddenly, slapping a hand to his forehead as he
pushed Freaka-chu aside. ‘What the hell are you doing?’
‘I told you,’ Freaka-chu said crossly. ‘I’m taking another route.’
‘By crossing the processor coils?’ Jason shouted. ‘That could kill us all!’
‘Could,’ Freaka-chu said, tapping his nose.
‘I can’t work like this,’ Jason said, pulling off his gloves. ‘You pull it apart, put it back
together, swap things around, but just remember that if you mess with it enough, pretty
soon we’ll all be in bits.’
‘I’ll remember that,’ Freaka-chu nodded as Jason shook his head and strode out of the
room. ‘So then,’ Freaka-chu said to Fred as the door slid closed. ‘Why the sudden
interest in engineering?’
Fred was quiet for a time before he shrugged. ‘It’s soothing for me.’
‘Hmmm,’ Freaka-chu nodded. ‘I agree. Machines are much easier to communicate with
than people. There’s no emotion to deal with, no need to put up any false pretences. No
shows, no lies.’
‘They expect nothing from you,’ Fred said. ‘Machines are much better.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t say better,’ Freaka-chu said, slipping out of the wall and sliding the panel
closed. ‘Different maybe, kick your arse at chess possibly … well, no, not me … but a
computer’s never going to laugh at one of your jokes. It’ll never be your friend or
companion … not really,’ he said, the faraway expression returning. ‘ … It’ll never love
you … “I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that”.’
‘Some might think that was the better part,’ Fred said quietly.
Freaka-chu smiled wryly as he got up and breezed towards the door. ‘How very
human of you.’
Fred snorted, allowing a smile to play across his lips. ‘I guess,’ he nodded and
motioned to follow Freaka-chu. ‘Taking a break?’
‘Why?’ Freaka-chu shrugged as he opened the door out into the Index Section. ‘Job
done.’

***

‘I don’t quite understand,’ Mrs Jones said with a shake of her head. ‘You’re having a
wind-up aren’t you?’
‘I don’t do wind-ups,’ Louis clucked in reply. ‘Everything I’ve just told you is the truth.’
‘Well, if you think that’s the truth, boyo,’ Mrs Jones scoffed. ‘Then the whole bloody lot of
you must be completely off your heads, mustn’t you?’
‘I understand the concept might be difficult for you to grasp, Mrs Jones,’ Louis
continued, clasping his hands. ‘Everybody has difficulty with it at first-’
‘I wonder why,’ Mrs Jones said icily.
‘But, like it or not,’ Louis continued. ‘There’s a war going on, all around us. The Light
against the Dark, a never-ending struggle that has brought this world to the brink of
chaos more times than I can recount … and I’ve only been with the team for seven years.’
‘And you want me to let you get your hands on my boy?’ Mrs Jones puffed. ‘So you can
fill his head with all this nonsense of demons and vampires and ghosts and devils …’
‘And Werewolves,’ Josh prompted from his place by the door.
‘And the rest,’ Mrs Jones said, a note of anger seeping into her voice. ‘I don’t know who
put you up to this, but you stay away from my son! He might not be normal, but he’s a
good boy and he doesn’t need the likes of you round here every two minutes badgering
him about his-’
‘His powers,’ Louis said evenly.
‘His condition,’ Mrs Jones corrected him harshly. ‘Now, if you don’t mind, gentlemen …
I’d rather you not be here when he comes home from school.’
‘Understandable, Mrs Jones,’ Louis nodded. ‘But … and understand that this isn’t
intended as a threat … it’s my starkest of warnings. If we don’t meet with him, then
others will come, others who won’t be as polite as us. Others who won’t think to ask
nicely. Others who won’t sit here sipping tea and discuss niceties with you, Mrs Jones …
if he doesn’t come with us … then rest assured, he’ll end up with them … and believe me
… if that happens … he won’t be such a good little boy anymore ...’
Louis leaned across and handed a gold card to Mrs Jones. ‘See that he at least has
a chance to make the right choice.’
‘I think you’d better leave,’ Mrs Jones said sternly. ‘Now.’

***

‘Thank god for that!’ Elion said, after hearing that the last of the annoying sweaty
salesmen had been atomised. He flopped down on a nearby sofa and let out a sigh. ‘I
swear, I was ready to run home and bring back my Magnum.’
‘Box set or ice cream?’ Danny smirked.
‘I’m very glad they’re gone,’ Pun nodded. ‘More people can pay attention to me now …
these badges are cool though.’
Jazz spared him a fleeting glance. ‘Jazz considers them to fail epically. Therefore
Jazz concludes you fail epically.’
‘Nothing you haven’t told me before,’ Pun shrugged. ‘But keep saying things to me
anyway.’
‘These damn things are everywhere,’ Jeebus said in irritation. ‘They’re too shiny …
they’re bound to attract pigeons.’
‘Not this again,’ Red grumbled, massaging his temples.
‘You can keep poo-pooing me,’ Jeebus said, embracing Waldo tightly. ‘But when the
Pigeoppocalypse comes, you’ll all be looking to me for help and guidance.’
‘The what?’ Asphyxia asked as he spilt his drink down himself accidentally. ‘Bollocks,’ he
grumbled, wiping the beer from his free badge.
‘Don’t ask,’ Red said, waving his hand dismissively.
‘Well, I’d love to sit around and chat this out,’ Jeebus said, loading his rifle. ‘But the new
series of Lost is out in a few hours, and I’m going to be the first one there, come hell,
high water or death from above-’
‘Jeebus, will you give the whole pigeon thing a rest already?’ Elion said angrily, looking
over his shoulder to where Jeebus had walked off. He was gone. ‘Meh,’ Elion shrugged.
‘Probably wouldn’t have listened anyhow.’
‘Erm, excuse me,’ A tall, lanky man with white-blonde hair in a red suit said silkily as he
strode over to the group. ‘I was informed I might find a Moderator here. I’m very
interested in acquiring access to your library of horror movies.’

***

The moon shone brightly on the suburbs as Adamus approached the semi-
detached home and allowed a sneer to play upon his lips. How utterly tiresome matters
like these were. He had so many better things he could be doing right now. Drinking
from his vast wine collection whilst practicing his violin, catching up on his reading,
slaughtering the innocent and drinking of their blood … regular vampire stuff essentially.
 He ran a gloved hand through his almost-white hair and rose to his full height as
he stepped lightly down the path that led to the front door. It was a nice front door as
such things went; Adamus had never considered these mortal dwellings of any such
interest.
He thought about knocking, afterall, it was the easiest way to getting into the
domicile. He hadn’t been invited yet and thus, he couldn’t enter. His normal approach to
this was that if there was no door, then he was permitted. He glanced at the wooden
frame briefly and hissed suddenly as he spotted the crucifix attached to the panelling.
Of all the rotten luck.
‘They said you’d come.’
Adamus stepped back onto the path and craned his slender next to the upper
floor where a woman was leaning out of the window, flippantly glaring at him. ‘They said
I should expect the worst … I take it that’s you?’
Adamus gave the woman a mock bow and smiled, making sure that his fangs
showed enough so that they glistened in the moonlight.
‘I am Adamus,’ he declared. ‘General of the One-hundred and First Legion. I understand
there is a boy in this residence. A boy with a strange talent.’
‘You won’t find him here,’ Mrs Jones replied narrowly. ‘I didn’t believe them in the
beginning. Thought it was a load of nonsense, even tried to throw them out of here I did.
But then they showed me the evils that you and your kind had done. They showed me
exactly what is at stake here.’
‘You never considered that maybe, they lied?’ Adamus asked silkily.
Mrs Jones grasped the windowsill and glared at the vampire. ‘I used to think that
my boy was a freak of nature, it scared me, but we just got on with it, didn’t we? Tried to
pretend that he was normal … but now I know what he truly is … now I know that he
was forever destined to be part of your war … I made certain that he chose the right side.
The side of goodness.’
‘Arbitrary labels,’ Adamus sneered. ‘I would not expect a mortal to comprehend them.
Those of the Light are equally capable of atrocity.’
‘I’ll bet,’ Mrs Jones nodded. ‘But I bet they don’t relish it half as much as you.’
‘Probably not,’ Adamus said, licking his lips. ‘It seems this is a wasted venture.’
‘It is,’ Mrs Jones nodded. ‘He’s with the Dusk Watch now … where he belongs … where
he’ll finally be safe.’
‘Oh?’ Adamus chuckled. ‘They told you that? The biggest lie of them all …’ the vampire
snickered. ‘Now he’s chosen a side, mortal, all it means is that I’ve got more reason to kill
him … before he becomes a threat to our supremacy.’
Mrs Jones pursed her lips and folded her arms. ‘Good luck with that,’ she frowned
and snapped the window closed.

***

'Horror movies?’ Elion repeated, scratching the back of his neck. ‘You never heard of
using the Search Function?’
‘What’s the matter, Vampire? Boning up on the tricks of the trade?’
Red did a double-take as Steffman rose up from next to him, his gloved fists
clenched.
‘Or are you here to make trouble?’ The Welsh teenager asked furiously.
Adamus let his grin widen. ‘Why, Dusk Watch … I wasn’t aware that the Internet
was under anybody’s control … and yet, you speak as though this is your dominion.’
‘Our dominions are well known to us,’ Steffman said sternly. ‘Wish I could say the same
for you.’
Adamus grinned even more. ‘It’s little snippets like that, that make me absolutely
love the Forces of Light so very much.’
‘Is anybody else confused?’ Asphyxia frowned.
‘Alright dudes, what’s goin’ down in Groove town then?’ Freaka-chu asked with a
pleasant expression as he sauntered over, hands thrust deep into his pockets. He looked
Adamus up and down and nodded to himself. ‘Does anybody else know we’ve got a
Vampire in the forum?’
‘I’ve noticed,’ Steffman scowled, removing one of his gloves to reveal a greyed hand
underneath.
‘Now, now,’ Adamus said scathingly. ‘Play nice, there’s nothing to fight over here.’
‘There’s enough for me,’ Steffman frowned. ‘The Mercury Rooms are off limits.’
‘Says who?’ Adamus sneered.
‘Erm,’ Freaka-chu raised a hand. ‘Do you know who the Video Lords are?’
Adamus cocked his head to one side. ‘Should I?’
‘Never mind then,’ Freaka-chu puffed. ‘But, should you ever … this forum is under their
protection.’
‘I’ll bear it in mind,’ Adamus said, with every inclination that he wouldn’t. ‘But I’m not
doing anything wrong. Laughing boy over there is the one with the problem.’
‘He is right,’ Red said in as calming a tone as he could muster. ‘He hasn’t broken any
Mercury Room rules.’
‘Give him time,’ Steffman said.
An uneasy silence passed across the group, finally broken when Adamus clapped
his hands together and rose to his full height from where he had been leaning on the
back of Elion’s couch. ‘So, which way to the horror section then? Never mind, don’t get
up … I’d like to have a look around … I’ll find my own way.’
They watched as the vampire stalked off up the Index Section.
‘Well then,’ Red said, turning to Steffman who was busy replacing his glove. ‘This sounds
like an interesting story.’
‘Not really,’ Steffman shrugged. ‘The usual … Light versus Dark, the never ending
struggle for dominance over the celestial planes of existence and the final right to
determine the fate of all the souls of humanity.’
‘Oh,’ Elion said, nodding his head slightly. ‘That old chestnut.’

***

‘It would be easy enough to assume that we’re the good guys and they’re the bad,’
“Twilight” Louis said, wiping his mouth, the light of the campfire before them casting his
face in a bright orange glow. ‘But that’s not the case at all.’
‘But, we’re the Forces of Light,’ Steffan Jones replied. ‘They’re the Forces of Darkness.’
‘True,’ Louis said. ‘But it’s not as clear cut as that. We have people in the Dusk Watch
who have killed way more people than some of those they have in the Dark forces.’
‘Then … what’s the difference?’ Steffan frowned.
‘The difference,’ Louis mulled. ‘Is that some people choose the Light, and some people
choose the Dark. You can’t force anybody to pick which side they land on.’
‘But, that doesn’t make sense,’ Steffan grumbled as he suddenly reached forward and
grabbed a ball of flame in his greyed hand. ‘How can one side be better if they’re both
practically the same?’
Louis smiled. ‘There’s lots of differences, Steffan man. You’ll get to know them
pretty quickly.’
‘I hope so,’ Steffan said as he let the fire flow from one grey hand to the next. ‘If I’ve got to
be in on this, then it’d better get interesting pretty quickly.’
Twilight Louis chuckled. ‘I remember that enthusiasm Steffan man,’ he beamed.
‘Let’s hope it continues. There’s a whole lot of evil out there, real evil. Evil that both
forces would have an issue with. Let’s hope you never have to come up against
something like that.’
‘I say bring it on,’ Steffan said as he rolled the flame into a ball and tossed it back onto
the fire.
Louis smiled again. ‘Yeah,’ he nodded. ‘You say that now.’

***
 Adamus wandered through the corridors of The Mercury Rooms. He had hoped to
claim it for the Forces of Darkness, but that was impossible. If the Forces of Light were
here already, his chances of staking a claim were slim. However, the fact that there was
somebody here claiming to be a Video Lord was enough to merit an in-depth
investigation.
The Vampire straightened his cravat as he strolled into one of the rooms. He might
have jumped in surprise upon seeing the man in black hiding just out of sight in the
shadows, but Vampires were not startled by such things. It was normally they who did
the scaring, when the mood struck them.
‘I’ve never met a Vampire before,’ the pale man in the black outfit said, strolling forward
into the weak light that came from a single bulb above them.
Adamus smiled, showing his fangs. ‘You wish to become better acquainted with
my kind?’
‘I do,’ the pale man nodded, rolling his head and outstretching his hand towards the
Vampire. ‘But probably not in the way that you’re envisioning,’ he said with a smirk as
his eyes flashed blue.