I.I.I. Redburn Road Woodstock, Virginia 23664 Phone: Fahrenheit 260plus@hotmail.

com

28 December 2009 Mr. John Q. Galdone 22674 Omps Road Strasburg, Virginia 23657 Dear Mr. Galdone, The following items will be shipped to your property on 29 December 2009 by two tractor trailers for your birthday: 110 lbs recyclable newspapers (11 x 10 lb bundles) 275 lbs fatwood (11 x 25 lb boxes) 10 cords of mixed soft and hard woods (cut in 24 lengths) 62 logs of mixed soft and hard woods (cut in varying lengths from 10 to 25) 1 skid loader with log attachment and chain 5 fire extinguishers You are to pick a suitable place on your property for the tractor trailer drivers to unload the above items. You will then need to do the following: 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) Mark out a 50 diameter circle, clear of trees and buildings. Shred the 110 lbs of newspaper in the center of the circle. Place the 275 lbs of fatwood on top of the shredded newspaper in a conical fashion. Arrange the 10 cords of mixed woods on top of the fatwood, also in conical fashion. Use the skid loader to place the 62 logs on top of the cordwood. Arrange the 5 fire extinguishers around the perimeter of the circle. Use the enclosed match to light the shredded newspaper.

The resulting bonfire will alert your friends and relatives throughout the county to remember and show up for your birthday celebration. Because none of the local fire companies has been informed of this burn, you may be serenaded and visited by fire and rescue companies from the southern end to the northern end of the county. You might even attract Frederick County and West Virginia companies. With this much hoopla, your birthday burn will be an incendiary success with friends and family; and you will have newspaper coverage. A flamboyant way to celebrate! Sincerely, Ima Pyro, President Idiot Incendiaries, Incorporated (Guaranteed to put a spark in your life!) P.S. Please be sure to call us if you have a friend who needs to be recognized by Farenheit means in a big burn way.