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What The Papers Say
What The Papers Say
THE SUN (shouting at two ladies): Oi Oi saveloy! (To DAILY MAIL) Look at the tits on those beauties!
DAILY MAIL (turns to face THE SUN, embarrassed): Do you have to be so crude?
THE SUN: I'm just appreciating her figure. Shes a beautiful woman who needs to be told by men how great her body looks. Are you bent or something?
The two ATTRACTIVE LADIES sit on a table towards the back of the stage. DAILY MAIL (looking at the two ATTRACTIVE LADIES): Of course I'm not. More homosexuals are the last thing we need, thank you very much. We've already seen the decay of the traditional British family, I don't want to see it disappear totally. (Pauses, looking around) How many illegal immigrants are there in this pub? (MORE)
2. (CONT'D)
THE SUN (looking around): None, I think youre imagining things, mate. Theres just those two benefit scroungers at the bar. (Shouting at two DRUNK UNEMPLOYED MEN on the right hand side of stage by the bar) GET A JOB!!!!!
DAILY MAIL: Look at the state of this country. I don't even recognise it anymore. We've become a soft touch. What do you think The Times? THE SUN and DAILY MAIL turn to THE TIMES sitting by the table. THE TIMES stays silent.
THE SUN: Not this again. THE TIMES keeps his hand outstretched for money.
3.
THE SUN:
Bloody hell!
THE TIMES: Well it is true that more immigrants have entered Britain in the past twenty years, but this has more to do with a relaxation in EU laws rather than anything necessarily to do with government.
4.
DAILY MAIL: He's in his room because he thinks going to the pub can give you cancer.
THE SUN:
What a mug.
DAILY MAIL: Exactly! Everyone knows that chocolate, celery, red meat, the sun, the moon, the sea, water, too much sex, too little sex, technology, asylum seekers and the French are the main causes of cancer. THE GUARDIAN walks onto stage and heads over to THE TIMES, THE SUN and DAILY MAIL on the table. She sits down next to THE TIMES on the table.
DAILY MAIL: Just because I care about the state of this county. I'm not prepared to lie down and let illegal immigrants, criminals and scroungers run rampant through of the streets of this once Great Britain. (MORE)
5. (CONT'D)
THE GUARDIAN: I do care, but everything's not so black and white. There are some grey areas.
THE SUN: (To THE GUARDIAN) Couldn't you wear something a bit more revealing? All these opinions and no skin is a massive turn off, love.
THE GUARDIAN: I'm not like your girlfriends. I have some respect for myself... and intelligence.
THE SUN: My girls are intelligent. I'll tell you what one of them said the other day.
THE SUN: She was talking about the UK's fiscal economic policy under Gordon Brown... while getting her tits out.
6.
THE GUARDIAN: I'm not a snob. People listen and care about my opinions. I fight for important causes, trying to improve society and the lives of the people who live in Britain, not who's got the best pair of tits.
THE SUN: People care about my opinion! I'm the voice of the people.
DAILY MIRROR: You're not the voice of the people you mug!
THE SUN (turning around and standing up from his seat): Shut it Daily Mirror! No one cares about you anymore!
DAILY MIRROR moves to the front of the stage to confront THE SUN, both are standing up.
DAILY MIRROR: Of course they do, I'm the true voice of the people the working class. The backbone of Britain! (MORE)
7. (CONT'D)
THE SUN: What are you on about you mug? I'm more working class than you. I have true blue collar values.
DAILY MIRROR: Blue is definitely the word. Didn't you vote for Cameron?
DAILY MIRROR: You vote for the Tory scum and call yourself working class? You're 'avin' a laugh fella.
DAILY MAIL: (To DAILY MIRROR) Go away you silly socialist. For the past 13 years this country has been dragged into the gutter by an inefficient Labour government that has forgotten Britain's core values.
THE GUARDIAN: What are they? Hating immigrants and being racist, I presume?
(MORE)
8. (CONT'D) THE GUARDIAN: I would but all of your friends keep on stopping me.
DAILY MAIL: They're a blot on the landscape, thats why no one wants them. THE GUARDIAN and DAILY MAIL stand up to join THE SUN and DAILY MIRROR. All four argue incoherently until the DAILY EXPRESS walks onto stage from the left.
All four turn around and look at the DAILY EXPRESS who's walking around confused in the background.
9.
DAILY MAIL (talking slowly and slightly louder): Are you ok?
It
THE GUARDIAN: Don't humour him with racism. Youre both disgusting! (MORE)
10. (CONT'D)
DAILY MAIL: I'm deadly serious. Immigration is out of control. It's a disgrace!
THE SUN: Well you better believe it love. We're making Britain great again. (Starts singing) RULE BRITTANIA! BRITTANIA RULES THE WAVES!
DAILY MIRROR: So you start singing a patriotic song about slaves and that makes you the voice of the people?
THE SUN: I'm the voice of the people because I give true British families the chance to have a British holiday for nine pound fifty. (MORE)
11. (CONT'D)
THE SUN: 2 for 1 at Alton Towers. What have you done lately? (To DAILY MIRROR)
THE SUN: You mug. You haven't got a clue what the people want.
THE SUN: Yeah but they're all films no-one understands - it's not the same as a Michael Bay classic. You've substituted explosions for dialogue - massive mistake!
THE GUARDIAN sighs and sits down by the table. THE SUN follows her. DAILY MAIL, DAILY EXPRESS and DAILY MIRROR also sit at the table.
THE GUARDIAN: I'm not. Just because I'm a woman with strong opinions does not make me frigid.
THE SUN: If you're not frigid then why don't you show a bit of leg. Noone will be interested in you unless you show a bit of skin.
13.
Everyone ignores THE INDEPENDENT, refusing to turn around and acknowledge him. THE INDEPENDENT goes to the table where DAILY EXPRESS, DAILY MAIL, DAILY MIRROR, THE GUARDIAN, THE SUN and THE TIMES are sitting.
THE INDEPENDENT (walking up to each person): Hellooooooooo! Can anyone hear me?
THE INDEPENDENT: The Guardian does, don't you? (Walks up to THE GUARDIAN)
14. (CONT'D)
THE INDEPENDENT: I thought we shared the same values. I thought we could be something special together.
THE INDEPENDENT (looks around before looking at THE GUARDIAN): You don't care. No-one cares.
THE INDEPENDENT walks away off the stage slowly to the left. DAILY EXPRESS: You know pubs give you cancer, dont you?
THE GUARDIAN: Oh will you shut up about things that give you cancer. It's all we hear about. You're turning us into hysterical hypochondriacs! (MORE)
15. (CONT'D)
DAILY MAIL: Cancer is a serious threat to people's health and anything that could potentially cause this terrible illness should be discussed at length. It helps people.
DAILY EXPRESS: You're certainly not going to get any help from the NHS.
DAILY MAIL: Exactly. Do you know how many people died or got seriously ill because of the NHS?
DAILY MAIL: Well - I don't have the exact figures, but it's definitely a lot.
DAILY MAIL: I'm sorry but the NHS is not equipped to deal with all these threats to our health. They don't know what they're doing.
16.
THE NEWS OF THE WORLD walks onto stage from the left.
NEWS OF THE WORLD moves towards the table at the front of the stage.
DAILY MAIL (To everyone gathered around the table): Who invited him?
THE SUN and NEWS OF THE WORLD embrace with a macho handshake and hug in front of the table. The other papers talk among themselves in the background.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Not bad bruv, not bad. Just been undercover.
(MORE)
17. (CONT'D) NEWS OF THE WORLD: Not today, but the other day I went undercover disguised as a sheik and you'll never guess who's a paedo.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: News of the World exclusive. Been holding this back for a week.
18.
NEWS OF THE WORLD turns around and walks towards THE GUARDIAN at the table.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Never you mind. It's got nothing to do with baby seals getting clubbed - you wouldn't be interested.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Me? Crass? I heard you're having it away with a footballer.
THE GUARDIAN (blushing): That is a ridiculous accusation. Where did you hear that from?
19. (CONT'D)
An 18 year-old GIRL and older MAN walk into the pub. The NEWS OF THE WORLD, THE SUN, DAILY MAIL, DAILY MIRROR and DAILY EXPRESS turn around.
DAILY MAIL: Disgusting! I can't imagine what the age difference is!
DAILY MAIL, NEWS OF THE WORLD and THE SUN look the 18 yearold GIRL up and down. DAILY MAIL and NEWS OF THE WORLD walk over to the 18 year-old GIRL and older MAN on the right hand side of the stage.
DAILY MAIL (to the older MAN): I think this is disgusting! (MORE)
20. (CONT'D) (To the 18 year-old GIRL) What's your background? State school student I presume?
GIRL: Yes.
DAILY MAIL: But that's a private school? How could such a silly little girl go to a private school?! You're so common. What is Britain coming to! What has happened to our class system?!
DAILY MAIL walks away back to the table shaking his head.
NEWS OF THE WORLD (to the older MAN): How do you know this girl mate?
MAN: I was her tutor, but we both soon realised that we are in love.
(MORE)
21. (CONT'D)
MAN: What?! Of course not; and she's 18 years old, anyway! Not that its any of your business.
MAN: Well she has ID if that's what you mean. But I really think you should respect our privacy and stop sticking your nose in where it doesnt belong. Now please, leave us alone.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Have you slept with any other girls you've tutored? Is that what you do? Build their trust and then plough their nice, firm arses?
MAN: Of course not! This is incredibly insulting behaviour, who do you think you are? If you really must know this young lady is the first, and will be the last, student I ever love.
(MORE)
22. (CONT'D) NEWS OF THE WORLD: Just be careful, mate. One false move and I will take you down. I will let everybody in this town know you're a paedo and that you've been having it away with schoolgirls for years.
The older MAN looks at the NEWS OF THE WORLD in nervous trepidation. The NEWS OF THE WORLD's phone starts ringing.
NEWS OF THE WORLD (to the older MAN): I've got to take this, but I'm not finished with you. (Answering his phone) Yes mate -
THE NEWS OF THE WORLD walks off into the background, talking on his phone. The older MAN and the 18 year old GIRL sit down on a table at the back. THE SUN walks over to the two attractive WOMEN sitting at the table on the right.
THE SUN (to the WOMEN): Can I take a picture of you ladies? (Pauses) For a competition I'm running to find the hottest real life honey.
THE SUN gleefully withdraws his camera phone and gets ready to start taking photos.
THE SUN: Right ladies, if you just stand up for me. (MORE)
23. (CONT'D) You both look great, really sexy (the girls stand up, THE SUN takes pictures). Show how excited you are (takes more pictures). Gorgeous, gorgeous (takes more pictures).
DAILY STAR walks onto stage from the right with a camera and starts gets down on the floor, taking photographs up the skirts of the attractive WOMEN.
DAILY STAR (taking pictures): Upskirt! Wear some underwear you slags!
THE SUN: What are you doing Daily Star?! You're ruining my pictures!
DAILY STAR: I'm taking some upskirt shots. I'm proving that teenagers are just promiscuous whores writhing around in one naked ball of skin and juices. This will show why teenage pregnancy rates have rocketed so much! Its called investigative journalism.
THE SUN: By getting on the floor and taking photos up girls' skirts?
24. (CONT'D)
THE SUN: Well, they've all run away now. How am I supposed to judge their bodies now?
DAILY STAR walks off stage to the left, walking past the table at the front of the stage on the way. As he passes he takes a picture of THE GUARDIAN's breasts.
DAILY STAR (to THE GUARDIAN): Just seen your nipples! Wear a bra you slag!
DAILY STAR exits stage left. THE GUARDIAN stands up and walks towards The Sun on the right.
THE GUARDIAN (to THE SUN): Did you put him up to this?
THE SUN: Of course not. I was trying to take pictures of the fit women, I dont know what he wanted with you.
THE SUN sits down at the table and is followed by THE GUARDIAN.
25.
DAILY MAIL: I still can't believe that girl went to private school. It used to be such a proud institution!
DAILY EXPRESS: So many non-native Brits are going to private school now. How can they afford it?
DAILY MAIL: Probably given grants by the government, taking the places of the white middle-class kids.
DAILY MIRROR: Good, private schools need a greater ethnic population. Diversity enhances all areas of society.
DAILY MAIL: The ethnics get so many perks in today's Britain, though. The white middle-class are the forgotten people. Its a blatant injustice!
DAILY MAIL: No, because the once great British rural landscape is now dominated by useless eyesores, otherwise known as wind turbines.
(MORE)
26. (CONT'D)
DAILY MAIL: Yes, a myth thought up by socialists like you to get us on this hippy bandwagon against traditional fuel sources.
THE GUARDIAN: Not only are traditional fuel sources destroying planet earth but they are also running out rapidly. Something needs to be done before were all fu-
(MORE)
27. (CONT'D)
DAILY EXPRESS: It's their fault, they have all the oil.
THE GUARDIAN: This is ridiculous. (Turns to the DAILY MIRROR) Are you listening to this?
DAILY MIRROR and THE SUN are both standing up starring at the attractive WOMEN to the right of the stage.
DAILY MIRROR (starring at the WOMEN): Yeah, the Daily Mail is a Tory scumbag.
DAILY MIRROR (still starring at the WOMEN): Yeah, I hate The Sun too.
THE GUARDIAN: You say you hate him (points at THE SUN, who's starring at the WOMEN) but you're exactly alike. You're like identical twins who hate each other!
(MORE)
28. (CONT'D)
DAILY MIRROR (turns around to face THE GUARDIAN): Whoa! No we're not! Give me at least five reasons.
THE GUARDIAN: You both claim to be the voice of the average British person, you both look to spread idle gossip and rumour as fact, you love to talk about any celebrity no matter how insignificant they may be, you both talk about football constantly and you're both filthy perverts.
DAILY MIRROR turns back to stare the attractive WOMEN. NEWS OF THE WORLD hangs up his phone on the right hand side of stage and walks towards THE SUN.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Right, I better head off now. Got an important lead about a former Big Brother winner.
29. (CONT'D)
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Now that would be telling (slaps THE SUN on the face playfully). I'll see you later mate (gives THE SUN a macho handshake and hug). Keep an eye on him over there (points at the older MAN). I think he might be a paedo.
NEWS OF THE WORLD exits stage left. DAILY MIRROR and THE SUN walk back to the table and sit down. Two ASIAN MEN enter from stage right and head towards the bar to order some drinks. DAILY MAIL and DAILY EXPRESS instantly eye them suspiciously.
DAILY MAIL: I don't want to alarm you all, but you might want to edge slowly to the exits.
THE SUN:
DAILY MAIL: I think those people who just walked in are terrorists. They're probably covered head to toe in explosives. Don't argue, just leave without raising suspicion.
THE SUN: (looking at the ASIAN MEN) I think one of those is Mr. Malik, he looks after my mum at the old folks home.
(MORE)
DAILY EXPRESS: More jobs for the common British man out the window.
DAILY MAIL: That's going to be irrelevant soon when he blows the place up! That's if MRSA doesn't kill them all first.
THE TIMES nods in agreement. THE GUARDIAN and THE TIMES get up and exit stage left.
DAILY MAIL: You see, even The Guardian and The Times are worried about the terrorists!
DAILY EXPRESS: Is where Mr. Mallik works an NHS run establishment then?
(MORE)
31. (CONT'D)
THE SUN:
DAILY EXPRESS: Oh well that's fine, there won't be excrement smeared all over the walls then.
DAILY MAIL: I think our main concern right now should be those terrorists. Should we call the police?
THE SUN: How do you know they are terrorists? I don't want to create a storm over nothing.
DAILY EXPRESS:
Seriously? You?!
DAILY EXPRESS: All you ever do is shout senseless nonsense at the top of your voice based on rumours you've heard.
The two ASIAN MEN have got their drinks and take a seat at a table near to the papers to the right of the stage.
32.
One of them gets out a large leather bound book and places it on the table.
THE SUN:
What now?
THE SUN:
It's a book.
DAILY MAIL: Yes I know that, but what? Is that the Koran?
DAILY MAIL:
Oh God!
33. (CONT'D)
THE SUN:
Of what?
DAILY MAIL: They're going to start preaching hate. They're going to blow us sky high!
NEWS OF THE WORLD enters from stage right looking sheepish dressed up in a sheik's outfit.
DAILY MAIL (pointing at NEWS OF THE WORLD): Look there's another terrorist!
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Ssssh, it's me, the News of the World! I'm going undercover to get a paedo tutor caught out! (Looks over at the ASIAN MEN) What's going on then?
NEWS OF THE WORLD convulses in terror and hurls himself to the floor -
THEY'VE GOT A
34.
Everyone on stage shouts and ducks for cover. After a few seconds of silence, people slowly show their faces again, looking around for an explanation. Eyes slowly drift towards the papers. DAILY MAIL notices that the ASIAN MEN have also ducked for cover. DAILY MAIL, THE SUN, DAILY MIRROR and DAILY EXPRESS stand up as NEWS OF THE WORLD slowly appears from under a table. They all look at the two ASIAN MEN.
DAILY MAIL: (to the ASIAN MEN) Why did you duck?
ASIAN MAN 1: Because one of you said there was a bomb in here.
ASIAN MAN 2:
Yes.
And?
(MORE)
35. (CONT'D) DAILY EXPRESS: Well, don't you want to bring down our decadent western civilisation?
ASIAN MAN 1: No, we just want a quick drink and then go home to have dinner with our families.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Have you brainwashed your children in secret terrorist camps?
ASIAN MAN 2: You all need to watch what you're saying! Can you actually hear yourselves speak?
The older MAN steps away from the younger GIRL and stands behind the ASIAN MEN.
MAN: You can't just go around shouting made-up, libellous stories about people. You're ruining lives, you're destroying social bonds!
Shut up you
NEWS OF THE WORLD walks over to the older MAN with purpose.
36.
Everyone in the pub turns to look at the older MAN and the younger GIRL sat behind him at the table. The MAN sighs angrily with frustration.
MAN:
ASIAN MAN 1: (to the papers) So this man fell in love with an 18 year-old and now he's a paedophile?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: I have exclusive photos and first hand testimony that shows him exploiting his role as a tutor and inviting underage girls into his house...or should I say paedo lair.
Did
NEWS OF THE WORLD: It may not be 100 per cent true, but then when have we (gestures to the other papers) ever told the complete truth? It doesn't stop you all listening and believing us.
37.
One of the UNEMPLOYED DRUNK MEN (UDM1) gets up from a table and starts confronting the papers.
UDM 1: Well maybe it's time you started doing something to change that.
THE SUN (confronting UDM1): Who the hell are you, you drunken, jobless, chav, benefits scrounging piece of scum? UDM 1 and UDM 2 start shouting abuse at THE SUN and DAILY MIRROR. DAILY MAIL and DAILY EXPRESS start shouting at the ASIAN MEN again while the NEWS OF THE WORLD hurls abuse at the older MAN. Before long everyone is shouting at everyone and a riot is on the cards. Two POLICE OFFICERS then enter the pub from stage left and try to restore order.
Don't make us
Everybody calm
38.
UDM 1 strikes POLICE OFFICER 2 with a snooker cue before trying to disappear into the crowd. But before he can, POLICE OFFICER 2 hits him with his truncheon. The UDM 1 falls to the ground and lies still in shock. Everyone stops arguing and stares at the POLICE OFFICERS.
Police
DAILY MAIL: That police officer attacked that defenceless man in an unprovoked attack! The police are rampant and must be stopped!
ASIAN MAN 2:
DAILY EXPRESS: Did you not see? That police officer used the law against a common man!
DAILY MAIL: Have you been paid off to turn on your friend? Are you the symbol of deep rooted police corruption?
(MORE)
39. (CONT'D)
UDM 2: No you moron, I saw him hit a police officer who was trying to restore the peace with a snooker cue. The police officer hit him back. What did he expect?
DAILY MAIL: The police have paid off the underclass dole scum in order to create an army of braindead law enforcers! Is nothing sacred anymore?!
The BARMAN rings the bell behind the bar, drawing everyones attention.
BARMAN: (talking to the papers) That's it, I've had enough of your rubbish! All of you, out!
THE SUN:
NEWS OF THE WORLD: You can't kick us out, what about freedom of speech?
DAILY MAIL: Britain in the grip of an authoritarian nanny state! Freedom of speech is no longer a privilege! We must tow the line!
(MORE)
40. (CONT'D) BARMAN: It's not about freedom of speech, it's about you lot spouting lies and falsehoods and pedalling it as the truth, when you know it's not. You hear little rumours and hearsay and then report it in huge letters as fact, and then when it's proved to be incorrect you write a tiny, insignificant apology and put it where no one can see it! You're shameless, heartless scumbags...now get out!
The papers are lightly jostled out on the left-hand side of the stage. When they are gone a momentary silence descends as everyone looks at each other. Slowly, but then rapidly, conversation returns, and a scene of relative normality begins to unfold.
ENDS