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Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

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Published by Pradeep Tiwari

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Published by: Pradeep Tiwari on Jul 24, 2011
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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02/16/2012

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JOKES
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .MARIA: Here it is.TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?”GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L”TEACHER: No, that’s wrongGLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?DONALD: H I J K L M N O.TEACHER: What are you talking about?DONALD: Yesterday you said it ‘ s H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn ‘ t have ten years ago.WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?GLEN: Well, I ‘ m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.”MILLIE: I is…TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, “I am.”MILLIE: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father ‘ s cherry tree,but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?SIMON: No sir, I don ‘ t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as yourbrother’s. Did you copy his?CLYDE: No, teacher, it ‘ s the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longerinterested?HAROLD: A teacher
 
Quote:TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father ‘ s cherry tree, but alsoadmitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.Quote:TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s.Did you copy his?CLYDE: No, teacher, it ‘ s the same dog.Quote:TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are nolonger interested?HAROLD: A teacher 
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up byGod. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send youto Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer inalmost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'mgoing to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let youdecide where you want to go!"Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make adecision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that upto you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. Therewere thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughingand frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill wasvery pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to seeHeaven!"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, withangels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing asHell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think Iprefer Hell" he told God."Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he wasdoing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screamingamongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured bydemons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this isnot what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that otherplace with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"God says, "That was the screen saver".
 
~~~~~ Powering up his office computer one morning, my colleague saw a unique errormessage: "Keyboard undetected." Then he saw how he was supposed to clear theerror: "Press any key to continue."~~~~~ A man and wife were both in an Internet business, but it was the husband who trulylived, ate and breathed computers. His wife finally realized how bad it gotten whenone day she was scratching his back, and he said "No, not there. Scroll down alittle."What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?A URLologist.
 __________________ 
My kids love surfing the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writingthem on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was"MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long."Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
 __________________ 
If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start allover!* To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.* To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.* If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.* When you lose your car keys, click on "find".* To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".A mechanical, electrical and a software engineer from Microsoft were drivingthrough the desert when the car broke down. The mechanical engineer said "Itseems to be a problem with the fuel injection system, why don't we pop the hood andI'll take a look at it."To which the electrical engineer replied, "No I think it's just a loose ground wire.I'll get out and take a look."Then, the Microsoft Software engineer jumps in. "No, no, no. If we just close up allthe windows, get out, wait a few minutes, get back in, and then reopen the windowseverything will work fine."
 __________________ 
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike theirEnglish counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender associationalthough in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his handand asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer

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