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AmNOTGOod

AmNOTGOod

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Published by Jonah Orange
RRNGE speaking about what it is to have love for your self.
RRNGE speaking about what it is to have love for your self.

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Published by: Jonah Orange on Sep 21, 2008
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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06/16/2009

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Deep down I’m no good. I know this because I know me. I try extremely hard to benice to be chivalrous to be kind. I know deep down Its not who I am. I spent mostof my life trying to fit the mold of what others would like me to be. I know thisbecause I always have to TRY. When you say you have to try to be nice it soundslike its not genuine. That’s because It is not. The real me is some one who wantsone thing and one thing only. LOVE. You might say to yourself that is likeeveryone else. Maybe but I beg to differ. For 30 years now I have been on thisquest. I have found none. The older I get the colder I get. People are verydifferent from me. You would think they would be similar but they are not. I'venoticed that Deep Down people are not good either. Some people have no good tothem. I at least have diminished good which is better than having zero goodness. Ithink people are seasonal with they’re good nature. For instance when times arebad and a good person stands out. People rally together seasonally for the goodpurpose temporarily. Then revert back to the person they were a day ago. Like MLKstands out like blue hat with a pink bill. When he was assassinated the worlddidn’t create another one. It idolized MLK. Making him a rarity when in actualityIts in us all to be like him. We just think its unattainable or un-cool. Just anexample but It illustrates the behavior of one and the marginal reasoning ofothers. Deep down I am no good! I see this world with 30 yr old eyes and itsdifferent from when I was a kid. I see that people Hate who they are. They putthem selves in certain situations not because it is healthy but because it issafe. I dare not to live this way. I am cold but I am fare. I am poor but I amBLESSED. I am sane but I am disenfranchised. I am calm on the inside although myheart pumps calamity. I am smart but live in an environment where it is useless. Igrew up thinking I was one of many who embrace fellowship and compassion. As Igrew older I begin to notice that I was the only one with those eyes. People dowhat is "normal" or what "we always have done". I never had this luxury. I alwayshad to do what I was told. I always had to do what was right. Because it was whatwas expected of me. Deep down I am no good. I forced myself to do what was honesteven though the world wanted me to be like I look. Muscular, Black and Edgy. Thisis what they expected of me I chose to do what I wanted to do instead. Forinstance quick story. Girlfriend of mine cheated on me. I found out at church oneday when he walked up an punched me in the face and asked me what I was doing withhis girl. Even though she had been my girlfriend for 4yrs at the time. Most peoplewould say "I would have drop kicked him in the throat" or "I would have defendedmyself at least" or something along those lines. I must confess I didn’t do any ofthat. This happened in the church we went to after service in the vestibule.People of the church seem to be just as shocked as I was. At first people didsomething odd. They made a circle around the two of us like they were giving usswinging room. Mind you there are elderly people children, Babies, adults, teensall walking out of service that me and my girl sat and participated in. They madea circle around us for about 15 seconds like a 15 sec window to fight to see whatwould happen. I did nothing I just stood there.... Smiling. I smiled because Iknew one thing for sure. Deep down I am no good. I smiled but I thought of about1000 ways to send him on to the ER on a stretcher. 15 seconds is an eternity to a185 lb 18 year old with a crumple of a left hook. 15 seconds seems like a lifetimelooking the devil in the eyes. My 15 seconds were up and I was standing there.Some older guy came up from the isle and kind of bear hugged me to the wall behindme. I told him to let me go. He said there will be no fighting in the sanctuary. Isaid I haven’t fought anyone let me go. He said why are you struggling tell mewhats wrong. I said nothing is wrong I just want to leave. The guy name is Kevin Ifound out later. Kevin left before me and mouth "Don’t let me catch you on thestreets Ima beat yo a**" I looked back at the guy holding me to the wall and saidIf I just walk out the door will you let me go. He said yes. Then he let me go andI left. To him I guess I looked the part of the aggressor because of my body sizecompared to the 150 lb known gang member. I walked outside and he was no where tobe seen so me and my girlfriend and her mother got in the car and I asked hermother the evangelist can I pray for him before we leave the parking lot. We all
 
bow our heads and I prayed for his safety and to let god know that I forgave himas I seek forgiveness. Remember I am not good. This coming from me shockedeveryone in the car. She said that was good. Asked me what happened I told her.She said " most people wouldn’t have done what you did... I’m proud of you" Ismiled and we went about our day. Not knowing that she cheated on me yet tilllater on that night when I talked to my friend who is Kevin’s cousin and he toldme why Kevin did it. I asked my girlfriend and she said it was true and I forgaveher also. Later that week I found out that Kevin tried to rob an old lady who wassitting in her car. He tried to steal her purse she rolled the window on his armand drug him for 12 blocks. He was arrested for attempted robbery he had drugs onhim and a couple felon weapons charges pending and a several failure to appears.He is still doing a 15 year sentence in the penitentiary. Where I also heard he isa woman now. (not by choice) That is when I thought of my prayer for him. My ex-girlfriend is married now (I still talk to her 12yrs later) but she in unable tohave any natural children. This type of depression is lifelong. I still pray forher.This real life story illustrates the my deviance. I deviated from the norm and didwhat I thought was best for everyone involved.You may say it is merely coincidence. I believe ignorance is bliss. I also believethat they’re actions needed to be punished. Now the punishment could have includedme If I would have acted inappropriately. Then all three of us would be in thesame boat. But we are not. I knew the right answer like the kid in the front rowof the 3rd grade flailing his hands up at his teacher just to say matter fact thecorrect answer. But this classroom was in a real-time setting and the answer haddynamic cause and effect structure. I did not do what my best friend would do as Ifound out when I told him what happened and he laughed saying "What" You didnothing! I explained why and he said you know what you a better man than mebecause I would have put the pound game down! 4 days later he told me theconclusion to what happened to Kevin cause someone he knew is in prison and calledhim and said some guy named Kevin was bragging how he beat some guy named RRNGE upat church. He didn’t know I grew up with the people he was locked up with. when myfriend told me I just smiled.Deep down I am not good. I have been treated in such a way where my life has beenmangled by outside influences. By the time I had a chance to understand what hadbeen taking place the whole time right under my nose. I was well into my twenties.I was already the man I was going to be. You always hear people say that they feeloppressed. I usually thought gees 400 years of slavery is over get with the times.Until I realized that it had been knocking on my door for a long time I justdidn’t realize it. I didn’t realize it because I thought I was strong on theinside. I was weathered but not worn. I was a survivor. I know me. How to handlemisfortune. I was wrong I was not geared to hear the truth about me. I was gearedto invent my own reality and to be optimistic. the glass is half full. One Drvisit changed all that. He told me I had a rare eye disease called karataconas.I’ve had it all my life and It will eventually get worse. The truth is likenothing else you could ever hear. You can hear your black you will never benothing but black. You can define your own existence when it comes to racism. Butwhen the truth comes... It changes you. I became instantly angry. You may think imtalking about my diagnosis. That part didn’t hit me yet. It was the fact that mychildhood was wrecked by this disease. I used to get headaches in elementaryschool when I read over 30 minutes. on the dot 30 minutes. I told my teachers theydidn’t believe me they thought I was making it all up to get out of school workwhen I really liked school. So since the 3rd grade I had to ride the little yellowbus which is a humbling experience to say the least. I stayed on the little yellowbus until I graduated from high school. Being a BD student I learned a lot abouthandicapped people. As well as people with learning disabilities. I always wanted
 
to help them because I felt that they just needed someone there who would walkthem through the work instead of talking over they’re heads. Now that I thinkabout it all of my friends until I graduated high school were In these BD classeswith me not in the neighborhood where I lived. I learned alot from the handicappedkids. more than I ever thought them. I learned mostly that people really do notcare. None of the teachers cared none of the adults cared only ones who reallycared were they’re friends. They’re friends knew because they felt the same way.Parents only wish they had normal kids. Doctors only want to medicate them.Teachers only want to pass the baton to who ever is next. From where I sat. Nextto the guy who liked to hum to self all class and drool on his pencil. One day theguy who hummed to his self Dennis was getting shoved around and laughed at by somekids in the hall. I pushed the guys out the way and picked his books up and toldthe guys that Dennis is my friend and that If I ever heard of anyone messing withhim they would have to answer to me. They all ran away. Dennis gave me a hug andwe ate lunch together. People stared at me and Dennis sitting at a table eating byourselves. Dennis is drooling all over his lunch tray and laughing. Saying Thatwas cool man. That was Cool. I thought hey sometimes you have to be yourself. Theprincipal Mr. Williams walks up and say to me come in my office. So I walk withhim to his office my home away from home. he said Young man it is inappropriate tobe making fun of handy capped students in school. I said I wasn’t... He said don’tlie to me everyone was laughing who left the cafeteria saying look at the retard.That’s when I walked in and saw you laughing at him. To make a long story short Iexplained to him that me and Dennis have 3 classes with each other out of 4classes in our block scheduling per day. I knew him and we were just having lunch.He said ok If I ever hear of you teasing any students you will be expelled. Thisis one out of a thousand memories that came to me when the dr told me I hadkarataconas. I thought of how my mother told me I couldn’t play sports unless Ihad good grades. It was impossible for me to have those type of grades because Ihad a disease. I didn’t even know about. This was something I liked to do but Icouldn’t because I didn’t know the truth yet. I didn’t know that because motherand father was black they were poor. Because they were poor they couldn’t getadequate health care for me. All through elementary school I had physicians comein and talk to me. They would wire me up to all kind of machines to check my brainfor abnormalities. They would ask me to do all these weird ink blot tests. Mathtest. language skills tests. I passed them all. The test I seemed to fail was thetest when they asked me if I was abused as a child. I told them no I wasdisciplined like everybody else in my neighborhood. The psychologist wrote a wordin her little note book its was "anhedonia" didn’t know what it meant until Ilooked it up. after my dr. visit and getting my calmative folder from the cityschool records. Surprisingly It only cost 10 dollars. Some lady psychologist whenI was in the 5th grade said I had "Anhedonia" Which sounded cool to me because Itwasn’t the normal schizophrenia or bi-polar or manic depressive. It was coolsounding. Anhedonia sounds like an exotic flower lol. I quickly realized that itis an indication more that a prime disorder its like an assistant disorder. Itmeans in short that I am "unsatisfied" Its like someone asking what my favoritedesert was and bringing to me and me not wanting it. Severe Anhedonia is someonewho doesn’t like the things they are supposed to like Sex. or Children. But me Iwas caged. Caged by someone long before I was even born. Its like the lion in theZoo one of my favorite places to go. The lion when his spirit is broken wont evenescape out of an open cage. They become accustomed to being handled and treated.to the point where they loose compassion. They forget that they are the king ofthe jungle and only know heartbreak from the traumatic experience of being rippedfrom they’re home.To me this is what she said I had Anhedonia. As a kid I thought I was just anotherkid caught in the shuffle. I usually found other things to occupy my mind likebooks movies etc... So I didn’t lock myself into the mind state of someone else’sproperty. My favorite channel to watch was the discovery channel. My brother liked

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