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Dear Charismatic Individual: Throughout the centuries, charisma has been seen as a mysterious energy that some people possess a magnetism that draws people to them. It has been considered an intangible force, a gift that certain individuals are born with. In this report, Dr. Tony Alessandra dispels the mystery and introduces charisma as a set of skills that anyone can develop. Tony has spent many years studying the components of charisma and has created practical tools with which you can develop your charisma. This guidebook will give you practical applications that will aid you in improving your personal charisma. Whether your interests are professional, personal, or simply for interests sake, the following report will take you on a journey of self-discovery and development that is both effective and pleasing.
bals if thats where he wanted to lead you. This guy has it!
Youre squirming in your seat, wondering if the next speaker can possibly be less inspiring than the preceding one, when, suddenly, the room falls silent. Looking poised and confident, the next presenter smiles, and then begins. Instantly, its clear that hes good: His strong, measured voice, his relaxed tone, his precisely articulated and well-chosen words, even his classy but understated appearance seem to fixate the crowd. You think, Wow! Who is this guy? You try to figure out what it is about him that appeals to not only you but everyone else in the room. And then you realize its just not what hes is saying, or how he looks. Its his whole being. As his voice and gestures signal that hes nearing the high point of his remarks, you feel yourself soaring, along with the ideas he presents so passionately... so much so that you know youd probably follow him to a convention of canniIf all the glasses were filled to the top, youd be so charisIn brief, its what makes people like you and enjoy being around you... even when they dont know much about you. This personal magnetism can exist at the level of mass movements such as politicians and evangelists or in the smallscale encounters of everyday life, such as the shop owner who makes you feel so comfortable and valuable that you cheerfully drive a few extra miles to her store. Im convinced that, contrary to popular wisdom, charisma is not something youre born with, like having blue or brown eyes. Instead, I think our personalities consist, lets say, of a series of containers, like cups or glasses. Some are nearly empty; some brimming; yet others are partially filled to varying degrees. Together, they constitute our potential charisma.
Charisma
ably think so, too. But nobody has a complete set of totally full glasses, although some really gifted people JFK or, say, Churchill may have come close to this ideal. But, for most of us, the glasses are filled a bit erratically, though we can add to them. Here, as I see them, are the seven main components of charisma or, the glasses, if you will:
matic, and, more important, charisma isnt based on I.Q., genetics, social position, wealth, or luck. Instead, it can be learned.
Your persuasive talent... No idea, however great, ever is a big component of the silent message glass.)
gets anywhere until its adopted. Charismatic executives can distill complex ideas into simple messages so that even the guy who sweeps the floor understands what the company stands for and why thats important. Our expectations have risen. Weve come to demand more from people than mere competence. When even the local car dealer or supermarket manager can be seen as articulate, personable, and persuasive in a slick TV ad, we no longer readily accept those who squirm, stumble over their words, and dont quite look us in the eye. The old-fashioned kind of hierarchy, the command-andcontrol environment, is pass. Even the highest-ranking officials need more than their title to get people to accept their ideas. Instead, in this era of empowerment, when empathy and support are revered, charismatic people stand out because theyre communicators who are able to see things from anothers perspective and, thus, continually seek to find the common ground.
Your listening skill... Rarely taught and infrequently practiced, listening is nonetheless a key to communicating and making others feel special in your presence.
Your use of space and time... Again, though its often overlooked, use of spatial and temporal territories can make or break relationships.
matic people would think you were a god... and youd prob-
in the local PTA, you can use your charisma, present or future, to do good for yourself and others, to make for positive change in ways large and small.
about your image in terms of knowledge and enthusiasm as well as sincerity and integrity. 2. Make your wardrobe work for you. Often we acquire our clothes haphazardly a sale item or an impulse buy here, a Christmas gift there without much thought as to how they fit our image, or even if they match the clothes we already own. In fact, youve probably seen folks whove expanded their wardrobe only to hobble themselves by wearing a plaid shirt with a striped tie, or to go overboard with jewelry that clatters and clangs when they walk. In other words, unless you know how to put it all together, you can improve your wardrobe but still project a poor image. So make sure your colors, patterns, and accessories are complementary, not clashing. Most of us have at least one or two outfits that make us feel especially good when were wearing them. We tend to save those for special occasions. Why not try to increase that number to three, four, or more such outfits and, thus, try to make a particularly good impression every day? If youre unsure about what looks best on you, consult a friend or co-worker whose taste you admire, or go to a wardrobe consultant. They often spot items youd look good in but probably wouldnt consider trying on.
A wardrobe consultant may sound like a costly luxury, but many times the advice is free if you buy clothes from him or her. Some will even shop for you at an hourly rate, which can save a lot of time. Combine that time savings with greater selection and the likelihood of a superb fit, and it all may add up to a terrific value. 3. Seek winners; spurn losers. Attitudes are contagious! So nurture your emotional well-being by choosing friends who genuinely want you to succeed and who encourage you. Also, ask yourself about your surroundings: How is your house or apartment decorated? What about your office? Is it drab or energizing? Read some inspirational and motivational books. Or listen
take offense and dont! then ask them to also tell you
tune?) Or make it a point to go to funny movies or watch a TV sitcom that makes you laugh. Consciously reduce your exposure to the negative, whether its gossip from co-workers, violence in the media, or pessimism in your own thoughts. 4. Dont just say it; do it! Words, while important, are cheap. Credibility is gained by backing up those words with actions. If youre in a leadership position, be aware that you set the style, both in appearance and integrity. Cultivate a do-as-I-do, not a do-as-I-say, philosophy. You can show your sincerity by practicing what you preach on a daily basis. One manager, for instance, demanded his subordinates be pillars of strength when it came to refusing gifts from clients who might then expect special treatment. The day of reckoning came when the manager, known for his insatiable sweet tooth, received a gift of two chocolate pies from a local pastry shop. Its been said that there was a tear in his eye and probably a pang in his stomach as he returned the pies with a gracious note. Everyone in the office had been watching and he knew it to see if he would be true to his own credo.
stead of over a cup of coffee or a beer. Youll both be better off. 6. Be brief. The best way to impress an audience is to finish early. My father gave me this advice on speech making, said James Roosevelt, son of FDR, Be sincere; be brief; be seated. Remember, in the electronic age, many people have the attention span of a flashcube. So know your Big Idea, hit it hard, hit it well, finish strong, and for maximum impression keep it short. The fewer opportunities you give your audiences minds to wander, the more theyll appreciate you and remember what you had to say. For more information on delivering effective presentations, check out Speaking with Authority, a 19-page eReport packed with skill-building tips that will help you learn to speak confidently and express your thoughts clearly and logically. 7. Drum the purpose of the talk into your brain. Summarize the why? the Big Idea of your talk in one sentence, write it on a three-by-five card, and keep it in front of you as you prepare your speech. Thatll keep you on track as you write and practice. 8. Remember the pause that refreshes. The sweet sound of
5. Make fitness a lifestyle, not a chore. You dont need an expensive club membership or a cross-country ski machine to maintain a body that exudes vitality. Forget the spandex, stopwatches, and ankle warmers.
silence the power of the pause can be used artfully in any speech. Pauses are not empty spaces. Instead, theyre opportunities for the audience to respond to your words with their own thoughts, images, and feelings. Listeners react negatively when they feel as if theyve been verbally machine-gunned. Pauses give them time to consider and digest whats being said and give you the chance to call attention to your most interesting points. If you tend to speak at a rapid pace, insert written remind-
Skip the cart and get some real exercise while golfing. Take a nature hike instead of watching a nature film on
television.
ers into your speech to Pause or Slow Down. The right word may be effective, Mark Twain said, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. 9. Make light. In all but the most grave of talks (such as the
and enhance persuasion. Humor makes a presentation complete. But theres a wrong way and a right way to do it. Many speakers begin with a joke and that alone may be reason enough not to do so. It may be better to save your humor until youve gotten the audience tuned in to who you are, what you sound like, and what youve got to say. Some pointers about using humor:
one person you could relate to better. Commit to listening to them not just hearing them for one day. After each meeting, ask yourself: Did I really make an effort to go beyond superficialities? Did I observe verbal, vocal, and visual clues? Did I note what was not being said as well as what was said? Once youve gotten into this habit of nudging yourself to listen better, extend this exercise to successive days, then to other acquaintances as well. Listening well is a gift you can give to others. Itll cost you nothing, but it may be priceless to them. Improve your listening skills with The Power of Listening, an eWorkbook that will give you every tool youll need to double your listening skills in a few short weeks. 12. Create a receptive listening environment. Turn off the
Keep your stories fresh and adjust details to fit the occasion and the audience. Susan RoAne, a keynote speaker and author of How to Work a Room, recommends the AT&T rule for choosing humor: Is it Appropriate? Is it Tasteful? And is it Timely?
TV. Hold your calls. Put away your spreadsheets and silence your computer. When listening, forget about clipping your nails, crocheting, solving crossword puzzles, or snapping your chewing gum. Instead, try to provide a private, quiet, comfortable setting where you sit side by side with others without distractions. If thats not possible, perhaps suggest a later meeting in a more neutral, quieter environment. The point is to make your partner feel like youre there for him or her. Dont be like the boss who put a model of a parking meter on his desk, then required employees to feed the meter 10 cents for every 10 minutes of conversation. What a signal to send out! 13. Dont talk when Im interrupting. If someone else is interrupting, avoid the temptation to reply in kind. Itll just raise the level of acrimony and widen the gulf between you. Instead, be the one who shows restraint by listening to the other person, and then quietly, calmly, take up where you left off. If youre talking, you arent learning, President Lyndon Johnson used to say. And by showing more courtesy than your adversary, you will be quietly sending a message as to how you both ought to be acting. 14. Be sensitive to emotional deaf spots. Deaf spots are words that make your mind wander or go off on a mental tangent. They automatically produce a mental barrier that impedes listening. Everybody is affected by certain words.
11. Listen really listen to one person for one day. Choose
personnel says bank, to members of that industry, banks and S&Ls are very different things and so each reference to them as bankers he might create a deaf spot for his audience irritate the audience and arouse emotions that temporarily derail their listening. So be alert to your own deaf spots and make adjustments. Try to find out what raises the hackles of other people, then avoid those words in order to raise the likely level of listening. 15. Create and use an active-listening attitude. Learning to be an active listener is like learning to be an active jogger. It takes effort. You start little by little and work upward. Its as much a state of mind as a physical activity. Besides, as you work longer and get better, it pays ever-increasing benefits. An active-listening attitude can help tremendously in breaking your poor listening habits. Exercising such an attitude means:
before your own. Later, well talk in detail about what differing personalities specifically seek. Meanwhile, start training your mind not to focus automatically on what separates you from the other person. Figure out what unites you, and how you can build upon that base. Soon such empathy will become a habit a very good habit. 17. Be quick to compliment. This ancient art has fallen into disuse. A really good, honest compliment shows that you appreciate the person you admire. There is no shortage of critics, but there is a dearth of people who say nice things when they genuinely mean them. Feedback, says Ken Blanchard, co-author of The One-Minute Manager and other motivational books, is the breakfast of champions. People want and need to know how theyre doing. Be on the lookout for positive acts and attitudes worth noting. Youll convince the other person that you care and youll convince yourself as well.
First, find out what your strong suit is, humor-wise. Ask
a friend wholl be honest with you.
nication. For more helpful tips and information, check out the 41-
page eReport Interpersonal Communication. This guide will provide insight on asking questions, being an active listener, and providing proper feedback.
Fourth, if humor hasnt previously been in your repertoire, proceed slowly. Its better to use humor sparingly than to be remembered as a buffoon or insensitive.
is sometimes chaotic. Thats because Socializers so often 24. Improve your family ties. You can pick your friends, the old saying goes, but you cant pick your relatives. Thats true, and its likely theres somebody in your family whos difficult for you to deal with. Lets briefly examine what to expect from each of the four styles, family-wise, and then suggest how differing styles can become more compatible. DOMINANT DIRECTORS often run into difficulty in family situations because they consider themselves results specialists but families are often more about controlling damage than achieving results. Directors are usually flops as emotional backstops; their tendency to make every decision can wear on other family members. Directors are also likely to have lots of firm ideas about how other family members could perform better. If others get upset at such constructive criticism, the Director will probably withdraw rather than have to wrestle with the emotional fallout. If youre a Dominant Director, you can better adapt to your family by: operate spontaneously, without much thought as to final outcomes. One house-hunting Socializer, for example, fell in love with each home he saw until, finally, he realized hed made offers and given simultaneous deposits on five different pieces of property. It took some fancy legal footwork and considerable family debate to get out of that one! If youre a Socializer, you can help guard against some of your own excesses by:
Firmly disciplining the children if the facts point to misbehavior. Avoid succumbing to your natural fear that the kids may not like you if you punish them.
Organizing the family activities more efficiently (or getting someone else to do it, or help you with it). STEADY RELATERS are naturally group-oriented. Relaters
enjoy sharing family feelings and reminiscences. For them, almost everything is a family affair. They like to get everyone involved in making family decisions about things like vacations and major purchases. Many Relaters want home life to be a peaceful retreat where stresses seldom occur, so they often make sacrifices and act as peacemakers. If youre a Relater, heres what you might do to improve family relations:
Dont be so wedded to the status quo that the family routine becomes numbing. Show some spontaneity!
an Interacting Socializer.
less in socializing than in results running the fastest, singing the loudest, drawing the best, or otherwise proving themselves superior. Another sure sign of a young Director is the quickness with which they shed shyness and seek out what they need. Theyll quickly learn to go to a security guard, teacher, clerk, or other adult if they want help in locating something, whether its a missing parent, an elusive fact, or a hard-to-find toy in the store. The parent of a Director needs to affirm the childs natural need for control over his or her environment. Such understanding can produce surprising benefits. Allowing the young Director to have authority over pets, toys, or his or her own room, for example, may help channel this need in a positive way. INTERACTING SOCIALIZER KIDS may be reprimanded at school for talking. But for them, talking about any experience, good or bad, is as natural as breathing and almost as hard to curtail. Of the four types, Socializer children respond the most positively to treats and rewards if theyve performed well. And, speaking of performance, anything that smacks of potential stardom plays, recitals, pageants, sports, and even cracking jokes attracts them because it fulfills their need for special attention. As a parent, you can best help your young Socializer by gently reminding him or her that no one can realistically please everybody all the time and that popularity, while fun and desirable, is not the sole measure of worth.
Accepting the fact that no one is right all the time not
even you.
and therefore not as likely to question openly the teacher or the rules. In fact, of all the types, these are the kids who wouldnt want to be embarrassed by not meeting commonly accepted standards, let alone failing to meet their own high expectations. You can help your young Thinker by recognizing his or her sensitive nature and making a point not to crowd the child. You can also spur their growth by ensuring an especially comforting environment heavy on love and assurance, light on contention so that theyll be encouraged to emerge further from their shell. 26. Focus on your strengths. You may have heard the adage Dont try to teach a pig to sing it wastes your time and annoys the pig. Too often we try to force ourselves to become detail-oriented people when were not, or to climb the management ranks when what we enjoy and excel at is the rank-and-file work. Ask yourself: What am I really good at? What do I most enjoy? And think about a mission and goals related to those answers. 27. Identify and manage your weaknesses. While concentrating on your strengths, do all you can to keep your weaknesses from dragging you down, either in terms of performance or just in the sense of taking up a lot of your time with worry. If youre great at sales but terrible at filling out reports, for example, maybe you ought to hire a part-time administrative assistant or swap duties with another employee so youll have the time to sell and formulate your ideas about better ways to sell. 28. Write a mission statement. In writing, answer the question: What is it that I would really, really like to do that would utilize my strengths and make a difference? Dont worry at first about the logic or how this mission might be accomplished. Its not a plan. Its an expression of values. Once youve got it, you may want to modify it over the years as your priorities and beliefs change. But, in any event, get the mission down on paper. Then you can figure out the best way to achieve it. Getting your mission statement down on paper is just one of many steps you can take to become more goal-oriented. If you think your goals need work, you may be interested in Goal Setting Strategies, an eWorkbook that covers
affecting your overall mission statement as well as career and personal goals. 29. Stay in the here and now. One of lifes hardest lessons is that you can only affect the future by staying in the present. If you let your mind wander into the past and what might have been, or into the future and what problems could await you there, youll likely lose your way. Avoiding these extremes is what athletes call the zone. Theyre not obsessing about last weeks defeat or thinking ahead to how powerful next weeks opponent is. Instead, theyre fully engrossed in the process of doing the best they can, right now. 30. Do it! The best way to predict your future, says management guru Peter F. Drucker, is to create it. Once you know your mission and goals, thats the time to get down to doing it. This is true for every field of endeavor. Writers must sit down and write; salespeople must sell; managers must manage; painters must paint. Too often, though, people are locked into habits that prevent them from moving ahead. They relive yesterdays, invent excuses, procrastinate, and doodle in the margins of lifes tablet instead of seeking to write their signature boldly. So dont give up on your dreams; pursue them with passion!
do something, theyre often frustrated and resentful and as a result, they dig in their heels. The truly charismatic person strives to create feelings of collaboration and equality. They approach others interactively and try to give them a choice. Testing this doesnt require a big, important issue. Everyday tasks will suffice. For example, saying, Copy this report is a mild form of coercion from a position of power. But asking Would you mind copying this report? or Do you have time to copy this report right now? is more interactive. Similarly, you cant successfully order employees to Be more productive! or Improve your efficiency! But you can organize them into teams, for instance, or create suggestion systems that really work, and give people more information about the companys profits and losses. In addition, recognize another persons achievements, contributions, and particular skills. Catch someone doing something right! And celebrate those successes. Everyone wants to feel that theyre on a winning team. Be aggressively optimistic and willing to be the first to do something and to take the heat if it doesnt work out. Charismatic people have heard all the bromides about why you cant rock the corporate boat (Weve never done it that way before. Its too radical a change.), but they just pay less attention to them. Instead, they relish a challenge, not just for themselves but for their followers, too, who wish to take risks and be allowed to make some mistakes. So if you give your people some control over resources and influence over how to do a task, youll help them build self-confidence. In fact, the charismatic person often good-naturedly challenges, prods, and pokes as he or she encourages others to stretch themselves. Again, take Michael Jordan. Hes said to, even in practice, be the loudest, most demanding player on the court, goading the other Bulls to give their all. Its his way of being inspirational; he never stops competing, even when no one is keeping score. The potential to be charismatic is within you, too. And the payoff for doing so has never been higher.
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Dr. Alessandra is a widely published author with 1 books translated into 1 foreign languages, including Charisma (Warner Books, 1998); The Platinum Rule (Warner Books, 16); Collaborative Selling (John Wiley & Sons, 1993); and Communicating at Work (Fireside/Simon & Schuster, 1). He is featured in over 0 audio/video programs and films, including Relationship Strategies (American Media); The Dynamics of Effective Listening (NightingaleConant); and Non-Manipulative Selling (Walt Disney). He is also the originator of the internationally-recognized behavioral style assessment tool The Platinum Rule (www.PlatinumRule.com). Recognized by Meetings & Conventions Magazine as one of Americas most electrifying speakers, Dr. Alessandra was inducted into the Speakers Hall of Fame in 1985. He is also a member of the Speakers Roundtable, a group of 20 of the worlds top professional speakers. Tonys polished style, powerful message, and proven ability as a consummate business strategist consistently earns rave reviews. To learn more about Dr. Alessandra and his services, visit www.Alessandra.com. 1
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Dr. Alessandras company, Platinum Rule Group LLC, offers seminars, workshops, and on-site training to corporations and organizations in the areas of sales, one-to-one marketing, customer service, and interpersonal relationships. For more information, call: 1-330-0 x2 or email: info@PlatinumRuleGroup.com.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review. ISBN 10: 1-61-- ISBN-1: -1-61--
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