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QUEEN OF THE NFL

by

Chris Faber & Dan Baron


FADE IN:
INT. THE BIRDCAGE – DAY
The high-class South Beach drag club is closed for the afternoon.
Proprietor ARMAND GOLDMAN (Robin Williams) enters and steps toward the
bar. He stops as THE LIGHTS SUDDENLY GO OUT.
THE UNLIT STAGE as a Spanish guitar calls out. Armand is surprised as
a light hits a backdrop to reveal the silhouette of a woman.
HER RED FINGERNAILS hold tight to her hip. HER FOOT taps to the
rhythm. HER BACK MUSCLES begin to undulate. She launches into
flamenco, raising her arms dramatically, clicking her heels. She
throws a sharp look over the shoulder as a spot hits her
Only it's not a her it's AGADOR (Hank Azaria), THE HOUSEMAN. He
plays it to the hilt with an intense gaze, quick movements
Armand shuts off the cassette player, leaving Agador off balance.
ARMAND
Agador, the self-cleaning oven is supposed
to give you more time to clean.
AGADOR
I want to be a dancer in the show.
ARMAND
Dancer?
Armand kneels and grabs Agador’s foot. IT’S PAINTED BLACK TO THE
ANKLE, WITH QUARTERS GLUED TO HIS HEEL TO MAKE THE CLICKING NOISES.
ARMAND
A policeman has a gun. A horseman his
crop. A proctologist his latex glove. And
a flamenco dancer wears high heels!
AGADOR
You know I can’t wear shoes
A HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM grabs their attention. IT’S ALBERT (Nathan
Lane), Armand’s long-time companion, horrified at what he thinks he’s
walked in on: Agador, on his stage! And Armand on bended knee,
holding Agador’s foot to kiss it!
ARMAND
Albert, don’t
ALBERT
Murderer!
ARMAND
Murderer?
2

AGADOR
Oh my god.
ALBERT
So I’m to be replaced, just like that. In
the show and in your heart. The dagger
cuts twice and cuts deep, Armand.
He stifles a sob thinking about it. Armand throws up his hands.
ALBERT
Et tú, Agador?
AGADOR
Miss Albert, you know I would never murder
you. I just wanted to show him what I can
do, you know, my moves.
ALBERT
When you say it, it sounds so innocent.
(to Armand)
So. He can act, too. Congratulations. I
wish you both the best of luck!
He storms out. Armand sighs and goes to the bar for a drink.
AGADOR
What was that all about?
ARMAND
He missed the kids’ call from Nepal last
night. Now they’re up on the mountain
again for a month. And we’re stuck down
here with the many-headed Hydra of
abandonment.
AGADOR
That’s terrible. Poor Albert. So can I be
in the show?
ARMAND
You already have a career.
Armand throws a dust rag to Agador. Agador click-clacks off the
stage, picking up a bottle of 409.
AGADOR
You never take me seriously. I don’t know
why I work for you.
ARMAND
Because you don’t see a lot of want ads for
a Lycra-wearing, barefoot houseman who
cooks like a prison chef.
3

AGADOR
You are such a monster. You deserve to be
henpecked.
INT. GOLDMANS’ APARTMENT
A PHOTO ON A TABLE. ARMAND AND AGADOR’S SON VAL AND VAL’S WIFE
BARBARA OVERSEEING THE SITE OF A HYDROELECTRIC DAM IN NEPAL.
Agador lays on the sofa eating chocolates and watching "An Affair to
Remember.” He hears a noise, remotes the TV off, hides the chocolates
under a cushion, and fluffs the couch as Albert comes up from the
club, in costume, looking like a collision between a Peacock and a
lioness. Hoping a few friendly words might tame him:
AGADOR
Miss Albert, how did the show go?
But Albert just turns his head away and tosses his feathered hat to
the floor. Agador bends down for it and Albert drops his leopard
coat. Agador has to follow behind as Albert discards his boa... his
bracelets... one glove... the other...
Albert exits the room. Agador sighs, relieved.
ALBERT REENTERS SNAPPING ON A WHITE GLOVE. He has some slacks over
his shoulder. With his other hand he throws them at Agador.
ALBERT
The pleats aren’t straight.
He runs a gloved finger along the mantle, then along the edge of a
painting of a grim, androgynous Elizabethan duchess that looks not
unlike him. But his finger comes away clean. Agador smiles.
ALBERT RUNS THE FINGER UP THE BACK OF THE PAINTING. IT COMES OUT
BLACK. HE POINTS IT ACCUSINGLY AT AGADOR.
AGADOR
What is this, a police state? This is why
I left Guatemala.
ALBERT
You were lazy there too?
(walks to mail table)
And this! I’ve told you a thousand times.
Outgoing mail goes on the right.
AGADOR
I put them on the right!
He points to the left. Albert is caught off guard. He opens the
closet to reveal piles of magazines.
ALBERT
What is all this?
4

AGADOR
It’s for the Publisher’s Sweepstakes. I
almost won last time. If I just buy a few
more
ALBERT
Car and Driver Magazine? You don't even
own a car!
(Agador sighs)
I want my pleats straightened! The backs
of all the paintings cleaned! All...
automotive or engineering magazines out of
this apartment! And these letters on the
right!
(Agador starts to speak)
The other right!
(marches off)
INT. AGADOR’S ROOM - MORNING
Agador is in his pajamas, feeding his parrots.
AGADOR
Here you go, Gloria. And for you.
He puts a seed in his mouth and holds it just out of reach.
MADONNA PARROT
Material girl! Material girl!
He kisses the parrot as it takes the seed from his mouth. ALBERT
BURSTS INTO THE ROOM AND CROOKS A FINGER AT AGADOR. HE FOLLOWS.
LIVING ROOM
Albert pulls the half-eaten chocolates from the couch. He holds the
box top up accusingly. There’s a note. “TO STARINA FROM AN ADORING
FAN.” Agador turns to Armand who’s reading the paper.
AGADOR
I was doing Albert a favor. In her
depression she'd binge. You know how she
struggles to stay a size 15.
Armand wants nothing to do with this. He turns a page.
ALBERT
Agador, what were you doing last night
while Armand and I were doing the show?
AGADOR
I don’t know. I’m not your slave you know.
I have my own life.
ALBERT
Then let me refresh your memory!
5

He remotes on the TV and VCR. An image comes up of Agador at Albert’s


closet. Trying on Albert’s clothes!
ARMAND
You set up a spy camera? This is the kind
of thing you could have a hard time
explaining at a commitment hearing.
ALBERT
It’s a nanny cam! And I’m glad! We trusted
you and this is how you repay us?
ARMAND
I just want to know what the point is of my
paying twenty thousand dollars a year on
Georgette Klinger Spa treatments if I have
to continue to go through days like this?
ALBERT
No, Armand, it’s just too much. I shall
never erase the image of him in my Gautier
Bustier as long as I live!
AGADOR
OK. Maybe I tried on some things I
shouldn’t. But when I'm alone I dream that
someday I, too, will dance
ALBERT
Fine. Dance. Dance through life. Fly
away. You are free. You’re fired!
ARMAND
Albert.
AGADOR
No, Señor Goldman, I know when I’m not
wanted.
He storms out, choking back tears. He goes into his room, throws
clothes in a suitcase and grabs his parrots.
AGADOR
Come on, girls. We’re leaving.
ARMAND
Albert, please. Say something.
Albert grabs a folk-art statuette from a bookshelf.
ALBERT
As long as you’re going, take this horrid
Guatemalan gourd person thing with you. I
never liked it.
Agador grabs it and storms out of the house in his pajamas.
6

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY


Still in pajamas, Agador walks in with suitcase and parrots.
AGADOR
Thank God you got my messages. I can only
talk to you.
REVERSE ANGLE ON SIX OF HIS FRIENDS, at a table. Five are gay men who
span the spectrum from guys you'd swear were Playboy subscribers to
CECE, who could pass for a centerfold. And JUDY, a female friend with
an actual uterus.
EVERYONE AT ONCE
What’s wrong?; you sounded so upset; etc.
AGADOR
They were beasts. “Agador, clean this.
Agador clean that.” So I left.
EVERYONE AT ONCE
They had no right; That’s terrible!
JUDY
That job was wrong for you anyway. I mean
there’s been talk in Geneva about writing
up a convention against your cooking.
(everyone glares)
What? It’s an opportunity for you to find
the right fit for your talents. We should
all be so lucky.
AGADOR
(upset)
I have no talents!
JUDY
That’s not true. You can do lots of things.
She tries to think of something. So does everyone else.
TEDDY
What about that dress you made me?
CECE
(offended)
I made you that dress.
JUDY
(to Agador)
But you modeled it for her.
INT. GOLDMAN KITCHEN – DAY
Armand and Albert go through the mail. Armand notices the opened
envelope of the letter Albert is reading.
7

ARMAND
Why are you reading Agador’s letter?
ALBERT
He’s not welcome to step foot in this
house. So I had to see if it was important
enough to send to him.
He opens another letter and starts filling out a form.
ALBERT
He may already have won ten million
dollars. They’re dated so I fill them out
for him... “Field and Stream” or “Guns and
Ammo”?
ARMAND
(dials phone)
Agador, hi... You have some mail here. And
I’m not sure, but I think Her Majesty is
considering a pardon.
Albert mouths “no, no”, then tries to listen in on Agador’s answer.
INT. GOLDMAN’S APT. – DAY – THE FRONT DOOR
as Armand opens it. It’s Agador, looking presentable.
ARMAND
Come in.
Albert sits, doing needlepoint, acts surprised to see Agador, then
continues. Agador ignores this. He reviews his mail and SHRIEKS. (A
patented piercing shriek that we’ll be hearing more from.)
AGADOR
Oh my god! I won! I won! Mira!
(runs to Albert)
The Hershey’s contest! A hundred thousand
dollars!
ALBERT
You won? You won! Ahhhh!
They kiss and hug and dance, instantly friends. Armand comes over and
reads the letter skeptically.
ALBERT
I missed you terribly. It just hasn’t been
a home without you.
ARMAND
You did win.
(the other two scream)
But not the hundred thousand. You won a
chance to win a hundred thousand. It’s the
Hershey’s field goal contest.
8

AGADOR
Qué? Where does it say that?
ARMAND
Here. The large bold letters. You have to
kick a field goal during halftime of the
Miami-Dallas game.
AGADOR
Well that doesn’t sound so hard.
ARMAND
You kicking a field goal is about as likely
as Stevie Wonder becoming an air traffic
controller.
ALBERT
Don’t be so negative. Maybe they’ll be
nice and let him set his own goals.
INT. HERSHEY’S HEADQUARTERS IN PENNSYLVANIA - DAY
Sally, a harried Hershey’s PR rep is on the phone with Agador.
SALLY
You’re just in time. The game’s next week.
We just need some info for the press
release. Where are you from?
INTERCUT WITH AGADOR IN THE LIVING ROOM, TALKING ON THE PHONE
Feet up, Agador reclines on the sofa in a bathrobe, Albert filing the
nails of one hand as the other soaks in Palmolive.
AGADOR
Guatemala.
SALLY
Interesting... And your parents?
AGADOR
My father was a shaman and my mother a high
priestess of her tribe.
SALLY
For real? That’s great! Hard-working
immigrant wins chance to strike it rich. A
regular Horatio Alger.
Agador winces as Albert plucks his eyebrow.
SALLY
I don’t mean to be rude, but “Agador,” is
that a man’s name or a woman’s?
AGADOR
Yes.
9

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY


Agador, Armand and Albert are behind a high school, walking toward an
empty football field, Armand carrying a football.
ARMAND
What if while we’re out here practicing, Ed
McMahon is ringing our doorbell?
Albert glares at him. Armand pulls cleats from a shoe box.
AGADOR
You know I can’t wear shoes. I can kick
without them.
ARMAND
It’s a professional sport. They won’t let
you on the field without them. Agador, for
a chance at a hundred thousand dollars, you
can wear cleats for a few days.
Doubtful, Agador puts them on. He walks delicately, expecting to
fall. He doesn’t. He relaxes then trips and falls.
ARMAND
You still have a week. Use the time to get
used to them.
Armand places the ball. Agador kicks it. It tumbles and bounces.
AGADOR
Wouldn’t it roll better if it was round?
ARMAND
This is football.
AGADOR
You don’t have to tell me about football.
I grew up playing football. I was a
goalie.
ARMAND
This is American football!
(points at posts)
You’ve got to kick it between those!
AGADOR
The antennae?
CUT TO:
Agador runs up to the ball A FEY, WEAVING, JAUNTY KIND OF RUN. Albert
sits next to Armand observing through opera glasses.
ALBERT
He looks like a big Nelly queen.
10

Agador kicks. The ball tumbles down the field again.


EXT. SOUTH BEACH – DAY
WEARING THE CLEATS to get used to them, an unsteady Agador walks along
the street with Albert's support. They walk into a shop.
INT. TAILOR SHOP – DAY – TALKING TO THE TAILOR
AGADOR
I am not going in front of millions of
people in those drab blues and grays.
ALBERT
Exactly. He wants something that says,
“look at me, I can kick!” Silk, maybe a
chamois. Maroon sequin buttons
AGADOR
Think Elton John if he played football.
ALBERT
But with something very Michael Jackson for
the shoulders.
INT. PRO PLAYER STADIUM – MIAMI - NIGHT
CLOSE ON A FOOTBALL AS A FOOT KICKS IT. WHACK! It sails up, up...
going, going, going... It hits a goal post AND FALLS OUT.
INT. PRESS BOX – COMMENTATORS BOOMER ESSAISON AND AL MICHAELS
BOOMER
No good! With their kicker Bentley out for
the season with a torn ACL, Ralston is a
real soft spot for the Cowboys, Al.
AL MICHAELS
And he’s not their only problem.
ON THE FIELD, The Cowboys walk gloomily off, TWO PLAYERS ARGUING
HEATEDLY.
BOOMER (OC)
We’ve heard the stories since spring
training. This team just doesn’t get along.
A loss today would make them two and five.
Could we be looking at the first time in a
decade the Cowboys miss the playoffs?
INT. STADIUM SIDELINES – HALFTIME
SALLY, Hershey’s PR Rep, paces nervously talking on her cell phone.
NEXT TO HER, IN AGONY, AGADOR RUBS HIS BLISTER-COVERED FEET.
11

SALLY
... Because he’s never worn shoes before...
How the hell should I know?
ANNOUNCER (OVER PA)
Ladies and gentlemen, this Sunday Night
Football game is brought to you by the
folks over at Hershey’s, makers of
America’s favorite chocolates...
Terrified, Agador looks up at the THRONGS OF PEOPLE IN THE STANDS.
INT. BARBERSHOP
PERFECTLY SHINED BLACK LEATHER SHOES. CAMERA RISES up gray slacks, to
the white starched shirt under smock and the Brill-creamed hair of an
older Guatemalan barber, cutting hair. ESTEBAN.
Two other Hispanic barbers JUAN and RIGO are taking a load off,
watching the football game on a small black and white TV.
ANNOUNCER (ON TV) (Cont’d)
... So let’s give a warm welcome to the
winner of the Hundred Thousand Dollar Field
Goal Contest: Agador Esteban Guadeloupe
Hidalgo de Maria Lorca!
Hearing this, Esteban accidentally stabs his CUSTOMER with the
scissors. OW!
JUAN
Hey Esteban, that kid has your name. Isn’t
that your name?
STADIUM SIDELINES - SALLY PULLS AT A FRIGHTENED AGADOR.
SALLY
Come on, you’ve got to get out there!
BARBERSHOP
The Barbers watch Agador sashay onto the field. His uniform is nylon
pants and a Day-Glo silk jersey with epaulettes and braids.
AND HE’S BAREFOOT.
RIGO
Look at this guy!
Rigo turns up the volume. Esteban heads for the door, leaving a
surprised Customer with half a haircut.
ESTEBAN
I’m getting something to eat.
12

INT. STADIUM – STANDS


The audience laughs at this barefoot weirdo attempting a field goal.
But people abandon food lines to come back and watch.
ALBERT, ARMAND, JUDY AND CECE cheer Agador on.
ON THE FIELD, Agador is self-conscious. He dusts off his epaulettes.
More laughs ripple through the stadium.
ON THE SIDELINES, Sally paces furiously.
SALLY
Of all the people who had to win on my
watch, it had to be a freak.
ON THE FIELD, THE MIAMI DOLPHINS BALL HOLDER shakes his head at
Agador. Agador crosses himself. Then runs toward the ball. It’s his
fey, weaving, jaunty run. The crowd GUFFAWS.
THUMP! Agador’s naked foot connects with the ball.
It wobbles through the air. Twenty yards... twenty-five... it drifts
left... hits the lower post... and tumbles over.
THE CROWD ROARS! THE GOOFBALL DID IT! THEY LOVE THIS GUY!
IN THE PRESS BOX, Al Michaels pounds his table, laughing.
AT THE COWBOY’S BENCH, TOM PENDEGAST, current owner of the Dallas
Cowboys takes his cigar from his mouth, amazed.
PENDEGAST
Did you see that Jerry?
JERRY JOHNSON, COWBOYS HEAD COACH, was reading his play book.
COACH JOHNSON
What? What happened?
IN THE STANDS, Albert, Armand, Judy and Cece are screaming.
ON THE SIDELINES, Sally holds her phone out to catch the crowd’s
enthusiastic cheers, then yells into it.
SALLY
Hear that? They love him! If he kicks it
in from ten yards back he gets another
hundred thou... We have to do it. You
can’t buy this stuff!
ON THE FIELD, Agador is turning, soaking up the adoration. The Ball
Holder claps and hugs him.
CUT TO:
Sally is on the field talking to Agador.
13

AL MICHAELS (OC)
Agador gets another shot, this time from
the forty-five. That’s fifty-five yards to
the posts. I’ve never heard of any
civilian doing that.
With the crowd cheering in support now, Agador does his signature run,
sure-footed this time. THUMP! The ball soars through the air.
Twenty yards... thirty yards... FANS get up out of their seats. It
goes over with plenty of room to spare! THE CROWD GOES WILD!
PENDEGAST JUMPS OFF THE BENCH. HE’S IN AWE. HE WANTS THAT KICKER.
INT. BANK - DAY
A TELLER counts out a pile of cash for a smiling Agador.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE GOLDMAN APARTMENT - DAY
Agador pulls up in a NEW PINK CADILLAC CONVERTIBLE, PILED HIGH WITH
GIFT-WRAPPED BOXES. He grabs an armful and walks down the street,
stopping to give one to an OLD WOMAN he knows, two to THE KID NEXT
DOOR, and three to some BEACH BUMS. MUSIC FADES OUT.
INT. THE BIRDCAGE - NIGHT
Armand tends the open bar himself, serving a tumult of Agador’s
friends. Agador enters with Judy, who’s helping to carry presents.
His friends cheer. Agador hands out more gifts.
ARMAND
I haven’t seen a crowd react like that
since Bette played the Roxy in the mermaid
costume for her Clams on the Half Shell
Review.
ALBERT
(opening present)
Who knew sports could be so exciting?...
IT’S A GOLD LOCKET WITH VAL AND BARBARA’S PICTURE INSIDE.
ALBERT
Armand, look! Agador, it’s marvelous,
thank you. What did he get you, Armand?
Armand’s impossible to buy for. He has
everything and needs nothing.
Armand pulls A BEAUTIFUL CAT from his box. OOOOs and AHHHs. Armand
holds him doubtfully, but it’s too cute. Armand melts.
ALBERT
Oh! He’s beautiful!
AGADOR
His name is Bela. He’s a Burmese Blue.
14

ARMAND
He must have cost you a fortune.
JUDY
If he’d take my advice, he could buy
everybody a Burmese Blue. Agador’s been
getting calls all day from professional
teams. They want him to try out.
(everyone laughs)
I’m serious. Parcels. Reeves. Bruce
Coslet. Every coach who needs a kicker got
a hard on watching him Sunday.
AGADOR
Maybe. Still, could you imagine? Me, a
football player?
Everyone laughs again.
JUDY
Signing with a team would be just the
beginning. Endorsements alone could set
you up for life. You’re hot, baby. The
Dallas Cowboys called three times!
AGADOR
(suddenly interested)
The Dallas Cowboys? They want me?
JUDY
They’d kill for you. So would San
Francisco or Green Bay, but what matters is
that they’ll pay for you.
ALBERT
Agador! You could be a big star!
AGADOR
The Dallas Cowboys...
CECE
I love the Cowboys. They’re the most
aggressive team in the league.
ARMAND
Did I miss something? He doesn’t know the
first thing about football. You’re talking
about a guy who thinks a touchdown is
foreplay.
ALBERT
He knows enough to be able to buy you a
Burmese blue.
JUDY
I could go with him. Be his agent. It’d
be fun.
15

AGADOR
You’d come with me?
ARMAND
Agador. Reality check. You won a kicking
contest. Winning the lottery doesn’t make
someone a banker.
AGADOR
That’s true, but I’m a football player.
ARMAND
You’re not a football player!
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD – DAY
PRO FOOTBALL COACHES sit in the stands, mouths watering as AGADOR,
BAREFOOT AT THE 50 YARD LINE, KICKS BALL AFTER BALL THROUGH THE POSTS.
A skeptical Cowboys Coach Johnson sits with owner Tom Pendegast.
PENDEGAST
That’s one hell of a leg.
COACH JOHNSON
On an empty field with the sun shining and
nothing at stake. But in a real game? A
guy who never played in college? We don’t
even know if this guy went to college.
PENDEGAST
You’re supposed to be able to teach them
what they don’t know. That’s the job
description, anyway.
INT. JUDY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Judy on the phone, doing a Jerry Maguire, as Albert watches jealously.
JUDY
Don’t jerk me around, Mike. Hit me with a
serious bid or come and watch him play for
San Diego. Hold on.
(clicks over)
Ray Ray calm down. He can kick for you
or against you. It’s your decision.
AGADOR is watching TV, riveted to Knute Rockne, All American. It’s
the climax, Pat O’Brian giving the heart rending “win one for the
Gipper” speech. Agador’s eyes brim with tears.
ALBERT IS TALKING ON ANOTHER PHONE.
ALBERT
... It’s not the money, the money’s fine,
but he absolutely won’t play for you
without top billing.
16

Overhearing, Judy grabs the phone from the startled Albert.


JUDY
Hello?... Barry, I’m sorry, he’s not
That’s a serious offer. I’m going to have
to discuss it with my client.
She looks at Agador, who’s still watching Knute Rockne. AND SOBBING
HIS HEART OUT NOW. She speaks into the phone.
JUDY
Can I get back to you?
INT. THE GOLDMAN’S APARTMENT – DAY
Judy’s got the facts and figures spread on the table. It’s decision
time for Agador. Albert and Armand hover.
AGADOR
I want to go with the Dallas Cowboys.
JUDY
The Cowboys aren’t even offering as much as
the Redskins.
ALBERT
You mean “Native Americans,” dear. Oh,
Armand, he’s really leaving us. Judy,
there are a lot of sharks out there who
will try to live off the life blood of a
star. I’ve been there, I know. Are you
sure you can handle it?
ARMAND
Albert, you are not going to Dallas.
ALBERT
Who said anything about me going to Dallas?
Though I do think that someone with my
experience would be invaluable.
JUDY
Agador, I think you’d be more comfortable
in San Francisco. Or Seattle. Or New
York. God, anywhere.
AGADOR
I have a good feeling about the “Cowboys.”
They have a rugged, outdoorsy sound to
them.
ARMAND
Of course they’re rugged. They get
calluses on their hands from beating up
queers.
17

ALBERT
Armand, don’t be silly. I’m sure it’s no
accident that it’s an all-male sport.
INT. MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT NEWSSTAND - DAY
Armand, Judy and Albert peruse the magazines with Agador.
ARMAND
Try to dress more conservatively. It’s
important not to flaunt it in such a hyper-
macho world. And don’t answer personal
questions.
Albert picks up a Vogue with a super-thin model on the front.
ALBERT
She’s starving herself. It’s not natural.
AGADOR
And we hate her.
ARMAND
In fact, don’t speak. At all. If you can.
JUDY
Think of it as your own personal “don’t
ask, don’t tell” policy.
Albert brushes lint off Agador’s shoulder and adjusts his collar.
ALBERT
All my life I’ve dreamed of being a star.
AGADOR
Miss Albert, you are a star.
ALBERT
But to be famous on the national stage...
I so wish I could be there with you. To
make sure you don’t make the mistakes I
made. That you relish your good fortune.
But Armand needs me at the Birdcage...
ARMAND
That’s me. The old ball and chain.
ALBERT
So go. Go live my dream for me.
AGADOR
Okay.
ARMAND
You will be careful out there, won’t you?
We only have one Agador.
18
®
Agador nods. The final call comes and he SHRIEKS . Like an excitable
girl, he grabs one then another magazine, goes for the line, has
second thoughts, then grabs the Italian Cosmo.
Armand holds Albert’s arm consolingly as Albert flutters his kerchief
at Judy and Agador as they run for the gate.
INT. AIRPLANE – IN FLIGHT - NIGHT
Agador wipes at his eyes and blows his nose.
AGADOR
He was lying in his bed, in terrible pain.
And then he died. But it didn’t matter
because the Gip’s spirit lived on. The
football player is a noble creature.
JUDY
That movie is fifty years old. This will
give you a good picture of what the sport
looks like today.
She hands him Sports Illustrated. He leafs through.
AGADOR
How does Oscar feel about you leaving Miami?
JUDY
Oscar? Pfff. We’re history. I just don’t
learn. It’s like I’m attracted to the same
man over and over. Smart. Ambitious.
Creative. Sensitive. Gay.
AGADOR
I know, I know. Me, too.
He stops leafing the mag at A PHOTO OF THERON HOWARD, in wrap-around
shades, open-collar black silk shirt and rapper gold jewelry.
INT. TEXAS STADIUM - SIDELINES – DAY
Coach Johnson is surprised to see Agador arrive WEARING THE EXACT SAME
OUTFIT AS IN THERON HOWARD’S PHOTO.
COACH JOHNSON
This is Coach Luntz. He’ll be in charge of
your orientation.
AGADOR
(strange deep voice)
How do you do?
COACH LUNTZ shakes his hand, speechless at his garb and voice.
The taciturn Coach Johnson walks off as Luntz leads Agador toward a
building. CHEERLEADERS practice their moves on the field. Agador is
spellbound. Luntz notices Agador’s gaze and smiles, relaxing.
19

LUNTZ
Best job in the world, huh?
AGADOR
(nods, mumbles)
Where do they get that Spandex?
ON THE FIELD, THE CHEERLEADERS nudge each other, checking out the new
Cowboy. THE TALL, REDHEAD CINDY, LIKES WHAT SHE SEES.
LUNTZ
You obviously work out. You’re not big,
but you’re toned.
AGADOR
(blushing)
Thank you. You’re not so bad yourself.
INT. WEIGHT ROOM – DAY
Luntz leads Agador in. PLAYERS are in T-shirts or barechested.
PLAYER
(to LIFT PARTNER)
One more rep! One more! Don’t be a pussy!
LUNTZ
This is our new kicker.
Agador can’t take his eyes off all those rippling muscles. The PLAYER
and his LIFT PARTNER grunt out greetings. Agador lets out a grunt of
his own. Then he notices two players bickering in the free-weights
area. TASHJIAN and linebacker PATRICK O’LEARY.
PATRICK
... You’re always so fucking paranoid.
It’s always some “ulterior” motive, some
conspiracy in the shadows
TASHJIAN
You have to be an idiot to be so naïve.
Everyone knows New Coke was just a
marketing gimmick to arouse sympathy for
Classic Coke.
Luntz tries to interrupt
THERON
Man, you talking ‘bout naïve, muthafuckah?
You didn’t think Arizona could switch to a
three-four and have that out route covered.
TASHJIAN
So, what, now you’re saying we lost to
Arizona because of me?
Face to face, testosterone rising... Luntz clears his throat.
20

LUNTZ
This is our new kicker. Agador Lorca.
That breaks the moment. Patrick drops his weights, THUD, THUD.
PATRICK
Lorca, welcome to Dallas. Listen, after you
get settled, we’ll go out with some of the
guys, get drunk and get you laid.
Players around Patrick laugh. Agador laughs. They slap him on the
back. He slaps them on the back. Agador and Luntz move on.
AGADOR
That’s very nice of them.
LUNTZ
Yeah, well, football players, they’re all
sunlight and roses.
AGADOR
Really?
INT. PROJECTION ROOM – LATER
The team watches game footage. THERON HOWARD FROM THE SPORTS
ILLUSTRATED PHOTO SITS NEXT TO FRIEND PATRICK O’LEARY. Luntz leads
Agador into the room as, on the TV, Theron artfully weaves and dodges
would-be tacklers.
THERON
That’s the shit. Without me you guys are
nothing.
PATRICK
Yeah? Wait... here, watch
On the screen, Theron is blindsided.
THERON & PATRICK
Ohhhhhh.
DAVE LITTLE, WIDE RECEIVER, pipes up.
DAVE
That’s the shit. What were you waiting
for, a renegotiation on your contract?
PATRICK
He was waiting for you to stop dancing with
Lewis and get open.
COACH JOHNSON
Stop the tape! ... What do I have to do to
get you people to take this seriously?!
We’re TWO AND FIVE!
(MORE)
21

COACH JOHNSON (Cont’d)


(to Patrick)
O’Leary! Do you want to be a tackle on
only the second Cowboys team to miss the
playoffs since you were in kindergarten?!
Do you?!
(to everyone)
I don’t care how lazy, obnoxious and stupid
you are by nature. I don’t want greatness.
I expect it! THIS IS AMERICA’S TEAM!
Coach Johnson notices Agador.
COACH JOHNSON
This, ladies, is our new star. Let’s help
him acclimate. Lorca, park it anywhere.
PATRICK
(sotto, to Theron)
What’s with his clothes?
THERON
It ain’t the clothes. It’s the man. The
threads are fine.
COACH JOHNSON
Am I going to have to separate you two?!
... Here’s a little reminder of what we’re
up against next week.
More video rolls. Green Bay hitting Dallas over and over. The
Cowboys’ blood boils watching. Footage of their previous
kicker Bentley comes on. Johnson motions to stop the tape.
COACH JOHNSON
Green Bay in the winter. We’re Napoleon’s
army. They’re the Russians
Behind him, the tape continues to roll. The players wince as Bentley
is creamed as he kicks. You can almost hear his leg snap.
AGADOR BLANCHES. Johnson looks back at the screen.
COACH JOHNSON
I said stop the tape!
Freeze frame with the pile of steroid-enhanced gladiators piling off a
motionless Bentley, his leg stuck at an impossible angle. The room is
silent for a beat. Johnson turns to Agador.
COACH JOHNSON
That hardly ever happens.
EXT. TASTELESS SUBURBAN HOME - DAY
Agador and Judy walk around a cheesy plantation-style house, with
oversized American flag and a liberty-bell shaped pool.
22

AGADOR
It’s perfect!
EXT. DALLAS - DAY
Views of Dallas. The skyline. The Trinity River.
Agador, in tube top and tight jean cutoffs, flamenco dress slung over
a shoulder, walks by the Massive Cattle Drive sculpture in Pioneer
Park. He passes a white steeple Baptist church. Outside, there are
white people in white dresses and white shirts.
Any one of them could have killed Kennedy.
He passes stone-faced old ladies and crew-cut owners of small
businesses, who gape at this bizarre creature. He gives everyone a
friendly wave, then enters THE “SWING YER PARTNER” DANCE STUDIO.
INT. COWBOY’S EQUIPMENT ROOM - DAY
It’s Monday morning. A COACH’S ASSISTANT is fitting Agador for
equipment. Agador tries to adjust his shoulder pads.
LUNTZ
Used to be football was all about
touchdowns. Now it’s getting into range for
field goals. We’ve had a hard time this
year, so if you’re half as good as
He notices Agador struggling with the pads on his shoulders.
LUNTZ
Uh... those are hip guards.
EXT. PLAYING FIELD – DAY – MONTAGE OF THE TEAM WORKING OUT:
DOING PUSH-UPS. Agador’s in shape, but out of his league. He can’t
stay in synch or keep up.
AGADOR’S TURN TO THROW. He looks ridiculous as he pushes the ball
forward. It spins head over heels for a yardage of five feet, far
short of the INTENDED RECEIVER.
PLAYERS JUMP THROUGH TIRES. Agador steps gingerly, causing a traffic
jam. PATRICK AND THERON watch, and share a nervous look.
EVERYONE JUMPING ROPE. At this, Agador is a master. He does the
reverse loop, the double-Dutch, the backdoor and the one-foot hop.
THERON AND PATRICK are joined by three other players, who all share a
tense, knowing look, their suspicions heightened.
AGADOR KICKS BALLS from 60 yards out, dropping them perfectly between
the posts one after another. WATCHING THIS, THE PLAYERS ARE UNSURE.
23

INT. HALLWAY - DAY


Patrick and Theron observe Agador, who’s down the hall, rearranging
his gym bag contents. Cindy and another CHEERLEADER are with them.
CINDY
You guys are so wrong.
CHEERLEADER
You think he's cute. Go see what kind of
reaction you get.
Agador is walking down the hall. Theron nudges Cindy, who goes and
brushes past Agador, offering him a good look at her ampleness.
AGADOR FOCUSES ON HER NECKLACE: A CHAIN OF FALSE DIAMONDS.
Agador turns to watch her go. She turns, giving him a come-hither
look. He goes hither. The Cowboys watch, out of earshot. She stands,
bosom thrust forward, trying to make an impression.
AGADOR
Excuse me?
(Cindy smiles, he points)
I love those. They’re amazing. Are they
real?
CINDY
... What? Of course they’re real!
AGADOR
I was thinking of getting something like
them for a friend. Can I touch them?
(reaches out)
CINDY
No! You Ughn! That is the most
offensive God!
She storms off. Agador is dumbfounded. She comes back. PATRICK AND
THERON WATCH AS SHE SLAPS HIM.
INT. BARBERSHOP – DAY
THE WALLS are covered with Cowboys memorabilia: flags, framed photos,
a charity auction-bought jersey. Esteban is at the door signing for
an envelope. Juan and Rigo approach as he opens it.
JUAN
Madre mía! Cowboy Season tickets! That
was his son who made those kicks!
RIGO
That’s just like you! Your own son on the
Cowboys and not a word!
24

ESTEBAN
Well... I... I didn’t want it to seem like
I was bragging.
JUAN
You’ll be dead a week before you bother to
let anyone know.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY
A frustrated Tashjian is trying to jam his helmet into his overstuffed
locker. Agador steps over to help. He rearranges.
AGADOR
Your problem isn’t that you have too much
stuff. You need to organize. Shoulder
pads can hang. Here.
(puts in a milk crate)
It seems like an extra thing, but it saves
space. Street shoes on top, cleats on the
bottom, so they don’t drip mud.
Tashjian’s frustration recedes. Agador shows him his own locker.
It’s impeccable, with photos of Streisand, Midler and Mark McGwire.
In the center, rose petals and a votive candle rest by a framed
picture of Madonna. Tashjian raises an eyebrow.
AGADOR
It’s the shrine of the Madonna.
Agador turns to see a player BARTHOLOMEW staring at him with a mean,
ugly look in his eyes. Bartholomew sneers and walks off.
ANOTHER ANGLE. Ten players are discussing Agador quietly.
PATRICK
I’m telling you, he is.
PLAYER #1
No one who kicks like that can be a puff.
THERON
Are you blind? Just look at him.
TOMMY a geeky white farm boy doesn’t understand.
TOMMY
What are you guys talking about?
PLAYER #2
He’s a Nancy.
THERON
A cake walker.
PATRICK
A log jammer.
25

Tommy still doesn’t get it.


PLAYER #1
Leviticus 18:22
Tommy reaches back into his locker for his Bible.
PLAYER #3
Why don’t we just ask him?
Tommy finds the passage and gasps.
PATRICK
Right, go up to him and say “are you a
homo?” What if he says yes? I don’t even
want to think about it.
The locker room phone rings. Tommy goes over and grabs it.
TOMMY
Hello?
INTERCUT WITH AGADOR’S FRIEND CECE IN MIAMI
CECE
(very fem)
Hello? Is Agador there?
TOMMY
Oh, uh, yeah... Lorca!
Tommy holds the phone as far away as he can as he passes it to Agador.
Agador looks at Tommy quizzically as Tommy walks off. Into phone:
AGADOR
... Hey girlfriend!
CECE
I can’t believe you’re there surrounded by
the Dallas Cowboys. What are they like?
They look incredible on T.V.
Agador looks at the muscle fest around him.
AGADOR
They are incredible.
A couple of players smile, feeling like they’ve just been
complimented. And they have.
ANGLE ON TOMMY as he returns to the other players.
TOMMY
Everyone can relax. He’s talking to his
girlfriend right now.
26

The troubled players just stare at him.


ANGLE ON AGADOR as he hangs up. He pauses, indecisive, then dials.
ESTEBAN’S VOICE (ON MACHINE)
This is Esteban. Leave a message.
AGADOR
It’s me again. My first game is coming up.
I’m kind of nervous. I haven’t heard back
from you, so...I thought I could stop by on
Saturday. G’bye.
He hangs up, feeling glum.
EXT. STADIUM PARKING LOT - DAY
Players walk to their cars and get picked up by wives, kids, and
girlfriends. WHEELS SCREECH AS A CAR NEARLY HITS PATRICK. HE POUNDS
THE HOOD IN ANGER.
PATRICK
You moron!
IT’S JUDY driving. She leaps out and runs to check the hood. He
towers over her by a good two feet.
JUDY
You idiot! You put a dent in my hood
PATRICK
The hell I did! You nearly killed me!
JUDY
So that makes it okay. I almost do
something to you, so you can retaliate,
lash out in violence
PATRICK
That’s right! I wish the goddamn thing was
dented!
JUDY
Of course. It doesn’t matter what it might
mean to the other person, like if the last
time she had a new car was with her family
when she was seven and they went bankrupt
and the car and everything else was taken
away, and it ruined her father, I mean it
literally killed him. Why should you care,
right?
The wind goes out of Patrick’s sails.
PATRICK
Is that true?
27

JUDY
No. But the point is you don’t know, do
you? You just act without thinking and the
hell with the other guy. Well you’re going
to pay for this ‘cause my deductible is
five hundred dollars!
PATRICK
Do you even know who you’re talking to?
JUDY
You’re Patrick O’Leary, an exceptional
linebacker. Average twelve and a half
sacks the past four years.
(Patrick smiles)
But you’re no Lawrence Taylor. Certainly
too slow for the Hall of Fame. Two, maybe
three good years left. Then it’s war
stories, a beer gut, bad knees and a job as
a sportscaster for a small station in your
hometown of...?
PATRICK
Wheeling, West Virginia.
JUDY
Right. Here’s my card. I’m a sports
agent. I’m starting an employment
counseling program for players in your
situation. Plus, there’s the address to
send the check to after I bill you.
Amazed, he watches her as she angrily gets back into her car and
drives around him. Theron is passing by.
THERON
Who was that?
PATRICK
(reads the card)
That was Judy a total bitch. I just hope
she’s in heat ‘cause she’s got me straining
at the leash. Mm. Mm. Mm.
With a smile, he puts her card carefully in his wallet.
INT./EXT. JUDY’S CAR – AS AGADOR JUMPS IN, JUDY PULLS OUT
JUDY
Some roidal-rage-driven player put a dent
in my hood.
AGADOR
No. Why?
28

JUDY
Because he’s an ape. God, I was standing
so close to him, I can still smell him on
me.
She sniffs herself vaguely. Then again.
AGADOR
How long were you talking with him?
JUDY
Gorillas don’t talk, they beat their
breast.
AGADOR
They do that to attract a mate. I guess it
works.
JUDY
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
AGADOR
Look at you. You’re red in the face.
You’re hyperventilating. Your blood is
boiling for this man.
JUDY
What?!
A car cuts her off. She hits the horn and flips the bird.
JUDY
You son-of-a-bitch!
INT. AGADOR AND JUDY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Agador is suffering a fitful sleep. He mumbles:
AGADOR
Bentley... no. Bentley, look out!
He wakes with a shudder. His gaze wanders to his leg, bent under his
body in a weird position.
AGADOR
AHHHHHH!
LIVING ROOM
Judy is at the table working an adding machine. Agador comes in and
paces. She doesn’t even look up.
JUDY
We’ve got to milk this thing. You’re the
Hershey’s sensation. A guy from the local
Peppy’s Hamburger keeps calling, but I know
we can do better.
29

AGADOR
I’m supposed to play in a football game
Sunday. I’m not a football player. I
can’t play football!
JUDY
That’s right. And you don’t have to. All
you have to do is kick the ball.
AGADOR
All I have to do is kick the ball?! All I
have to do is kick the ball?! Tell that to
Bentley!
She sits him down and puts her arms around him.
JUDY
Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to do
anything. You made plenty of money from
Hershey’s. You want to quit? Quit.
AGADOR
I can’t. It’s not the money... It’s my
father.
JUDY
Your father the shaman in the jungles of
Guatemala?
AGADOR
No, my father the barber in the suburbs of
Brownsville. I exaggerated a little.
JUDY
And your mother the High Priestess?
AGADOR
She was a maid. When she was young she was
Guatemala City’s greatest flamenco dancer.
She died when I was nine.
JUDY
But they were from Guatemala. So it wasn’t
a complete, uh, a complete Your accent’s
real.
AGADOR
My dad hasn’t spoken to me since high
school.
He doesn’t have to spell out the reason.
JUDY
Ouch.
30

AGADOR
But he’s a very big Cowboys fan.
Ahh. So that’s it.
AGADOR
I call. But he doesn’t call back.
JUDY
Aw, baby. Don’t tear yourself up. No
matter what you do in life, you gotta do it
from in here.
(touches his heart)
You can’t look for acceptance from your
father by playing on a football team.
AGADOR
It isn’t just a football team. It’s the
Dallas Cowboys! AMERICA’S TEAM!
He storms into his room and slams the door.
JUDY
Who’s Bentley?
INT. TEXAS STADIUM – SECURITY STATION – NEXT MORNING
Esteban walks down a wide hallway to the security station.
ESTEBAN
I’m looking for Agador Lorca. I’m his...
I’m his father.
SECURITY GUARD
He’s not here yet. Hold on.
(checks computer)
We have a location for him mornings...
INT. “SWING YER PARTNER” REHEARSAL ROOM - DAY
AGADOR IS DANCING, DRESSED TO THE NINES AS A DRAG FLAMENCO DIVA IN
DRESS, MAKEUP AND WIG. He dances, putting his heart into it.
DANCE STUDIO FRONT DOOR
Esteban enters. The place is deserted. He looks into one room. Then
another. He hears flamenco music and his face brightens. He turns a
corner and SEES A DANCER FLASH ACROSS AN OPEN DOOR.
He walks in as the music is reaching its climax. Agador spreads his
arms and does a final stomp on the last beat. He looks up, straight at
his dad. Silence. Agador gulps. But Esteban claps.
ESTEBAN
Excuse me, but can you tell me where I
might find Agador Lorca?
31

Agador takes a moment and considers this. Then he answers in a


feminine voice with a Castilian accent. His lisp is perfect.
AGADOR
Señor Agador, he is not here. Right now.
At this time.
ESTEBAN
I see. Well, I will wait. Please, go on.
(puts record back on)
Don’t be nervous. I was a flamenco coach
for many years. Please.
Agador starts to dance, expecting with each turn and click of his
heels that his father will recognize him. Esteban pulls the needle
off the record. Agador stops, his heart in his throat.
ESTEBAN
Your body it is more suited to the Cuban
son style.
He finds a record among the pile by the record player and puts it on,
then gets on stage with Agador to demonstrate.
ESTEBAN
When you kick you must kick from both the
thigh and the shin. The thigh is where the
power is.
Agador tries it like his father. They dance side-by-side.
ESTEBAN
The leg must come up more, the foot angled.
You have very strong legs. That is good
What’s that on your feet?
AGADOR
... Grease paint and quarters... It’s all
the rage in Barcelona.
ESTEBAN
... I see. I am Esteban Lorca.
(off Agador’s silence)
And you are?
AGADOR
Princess Ithabella. From Catalan!
ESTEBAN
Ah. Then you must know the Contesa
Josefina from Grenada? She used to visit
my wife and I in Guatemala City.
AGADOR
Of course... She’s my aunt.
32

ESTEBAN
That’s remarkable. The last time I saw the
Contesa must be... before you were even
born... Do you know Agador well?
(Agador shrugs)
I would like to ask a favor. Will you give
him a message for me? He should on no
account come to the barbershop. He should
not call. There is no reason to
communicate. He will know what all this
means. This would be a great help. Thank
you. Good luck with your dancing,
Princess. You have talent.
Esteban bows and leaves. Agador pauses a beat, then pulls off his wig
and collapses into a chair, devastated.
INT. STADIUM HALLWAY - DAY
Agador hurries down a hall, STILL IN HIS RED DRESS AND HAIRNET, WIPING
HIS EYES WITH A HANDKERCHIEF.
INT. LOCKER ROOM – DAY
Players stop and stare at Agador as he dashes toward his locker. He
stops when he sees himself in a mirror. Only now does he realize he
forgot to change. TEAMMATES SLOWLY COLLECT BEHIND HIM, STARING.
AGADOR
It’s not what it looks like. I‘m not a
transvestite in the traditional sense. I’m
a performer.
(silence)
A queer performer. Whose father hates him.
Crying, he runs into the bathroom. One player hands another a twenty.
INT. PLAY STRATEGY ROOM - DAY
Dave and Tashjian sit on one side. Opposite them are Patrick, Gibbons,
Theron and the silent Bartholomew (looking mean and angry). Eight
players sit in between, uncomfortable, but uncertain.
THERON
I just don’t get it. How could somebody
that kicks like him be gay?
PATRICK
I knew it. I knew it the whole time.
DAVE
So that’s what you meant when you offered
to get him laid?
PATRICK
Why don’t you shut the fuck up?
33

PLAYER
Look, I don’t like it either, but I don’t
see what we can do about it.
PATRICK
Get his ass off the team, that’s what.
TASHJIAN
Look, there are a lot of people who are gay
and you don’t know who they are. We live
with them every day
GIBBONS
Who?
TASHJIAN
That’s not the point
GIBBONS
No. I want to know who!
THERON
You trying to tell us something, Tash?
TASHJIAN
No, not me, just, well, lots of people.
Gibbons realizes he’s the only one in the room sitting in a seat right
next to another player. He moves one seat over.
PATRICK
Let’s tell Coach Johnson. Let him deal
with it.
That gets enthusiastic nods from just about everybody.
TASHJIAN
He’ll dump him for sure.
THERON
That’s right.
DAVE
And we don’t make the playoffs. Is that
what you guys want?
That gives the players pause.
DAVE
We’ve got a game in two days. Who’s going
to kick?
PATRICK
Come on, we all know that on the field this
guy will fold up faster than a Chinese fan.
That clinches it; even the fence-sitters nod.
34

INT. LOCKER ROOM


Agador is painfully aware that no one says a word to him as he walks
through the locker room, now dressed in sweats. HIS LOCKER has been
ripped open. His stuff is gone.
DAVE
Gibbons felt strongly that you would feel
more comfortable with your own private
corner of the locker room.
Dave leads Agador to a locker where his stuff is on the floor. He
helps Agador pick up, then leaves him to rearrange.
A player sneaks up behind Agador, holding something behind his back.
He looks around to make sure no one is watching. Agador spins around.
THE PLAYER PULLS OUT TWO SHIRTS. He whispers.
PLAYER
I’ve got a date tonight. Which one looks
nicer to you?
AGADOR
With those Khakis and your coloring,
definitely the key lime shirt.
The player gives him the thumbs up and sneaks off.
INT. TITAN PETROLEUM HIGH-RISE – DAY
An agitated Coach Johnson sits across owner Tom Pendegast’s desk in
Pendegast’s office at Titan Petroleum.
TOM PENDEGAST
I feel the same way you do, but Jesus we’ve
got a game in 36 hours.
JOHNSON
Tom, what we’re talking about here, it’s
bigger than you or me. The old morality is
caving in on all sides. There’s never been
a gay football player. We’re the last
bastion, the bulwark against moral anarchy.
Tom, our men are warriors. Bred to do the
warrior thing. There’s no room for women
on this ship... Do you know what this will
do to us when word gets out?
TOM PENDEGAST
We’ll get rid of him before that happens...
Chicago may be interested in trading
Jeffries.
COACH JOHNSON
And we sideline him. There’s no way this
guy’s going to perform under pressure.
35

TOM PENDEGAST
We don’t know that. We’ve got a lot
invested in him. He plays.
COACH JOHNSON
Tom—
TOM PENDEGAST
I don’t like it either, but we’ll just keep
it quiet and then we’ll dump him.
INT. AGADOR AND JUDY’S - DAY
Agador is eating a pint of ice cream with a spoon. Judy paces.
JUDY
When we said “discreet” didn’t you think
that meant not showing up in a dress?!
(grabs the spoon and pint
and digs in)
This is such bad timing. If you’d already
played... If... I can’t even imagine how we
handle this anything can happen now
The doorbell rings. Judy and Agador look apprehensive. The door
opens. IT’S ALBERT. He pauses to peck Agador and a slack-jawed Judy,
then SWEEPS THROUGH, LOOKING AROUND, TALKING A MILE A MINUTE.
ALBERT
I didn’t have time to call, I barely made
it to the flight, I simply had to escape
Miami, it was awful, you know my Lizzie
Borden number? It was my finest
performance, and at the fortieth whack
someone coughed not a cough a tubercular
hack, Armand refused to do anything, his
“hands are tied” because he’s all business,
well I just couldn’t stand those rubes any
longer and I realized what I needed was a
sabbatical, plus I think some time away
from his little summer squash will do
wonders for Armand’s attitude Over here
boys!
MOVERS BRING IN BAG AFTER BAG OF OVERSTUFFED LUGGAGE.
ALBERT
Judy, honey, I’ll need this bedroom because
it’s away from the street and I’m a light
sleeper. But the main thing is I’m here to
help my little Agador.
(takes his hand)
We’re going all the way. Together.
JUDY
Tell me this isn’t happening.
36

AGADOR
I’m so glad you’re here.
Albert notices the ice cream pint and the spoons in their hands.
ALBERT
What is it? What’s wrong?
AGADOR
I wore a dress to practice and I have a game
tomorrow and we don’t know what to do.
JUDY
I don’t think Albert’s the one to
(phone rings)
Hello... Yes, he’s here... Armand.
ALBERT
(takes phone)
Did you call Cassandra?
INTERCUT WITH THE BIRDCAGE
Armand is at the curtain, on the stage phone. People are running
frantically back and forth, tossing props, grabbing costumes.
ARMAND
Cassandra?! Cassandra’s worthless! She
lost her arm in that kiln accident!
ALBERT
Oh, that’s right.
ARMAND
I didn’t even see your note until two hours
ago! I have no time to prepare!
A runner trips, tossing a mannequin head, which hits Armand.
ALBERT
Then you shouldn’t be wasting time on the
phone with me.
Albert hangs up and then takes the phone off the hook.
JUDY
Albert. This is just not the best time for
you to be here.
ALBERT
Posh. You want to know what to do, I’ll
tell you. The show must go on. And never,
never let them see you sweat.
Judy and Agador share a look. He’s right. The movers drag in two
more suitcases.
37

INT. TEXAS STADIUM – GAME DAY


Excited, expectant fans trickle in and take their seats.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY
Agador is the first one here, doing leg stretches and kicking a
phantom football. Players arrive and gear up. Coach Johnson passes
Agador, shaking his head doubtfully. A player walks up, looking
around to make sure no one is listening.
PLAYER #1
Agador, I want you to know I’m glad to have
you around.
(sotto)
I’m gay, but I never had the guts to tell
the team.
Agador smiles. Player #1 leaves. Agador puts his shoulder pads on.
Dave walks up.
DAVE
I think it’s terrible what the other guys
did.
(starts off, stops)
No. It’s not just that. Agador. I’m gay.
And I’ve decided I’m coming out.
A player sitting further down the bench heard. He turns.
PLAYER #2
Hey, the truth is so am I. I’m gay. Fuck
it, I feel better already.
PATRICK AND THERON COME AROUND THE AISLE WEARING NOTHING BUT THEIR
TOWELS. Patrick puts his arm around Theron.
PATRICK
The truth is, we’re a couple.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. AGADOR’S BEDROOM - MORNING
Agador is in bed, alarm blaring, Judy shaking him. EYE’S SHUT, BIG
SMILE ON HIS FACE, HE JUST DOESN’T WANT TO LEAVE THAT DREAM.
EXT. STADIUM - PLAYER’S ENTRANCE - MORNING
Judy and Albert escort Agador to the entrance, Albert carrying
Agador’s Wizard of Oz lunch box. He tries to go in with Agador.
GUARD
Sorry, players only. No family.
38

ALBERT
I’m closer than family.
(Guard stands firm)
He needs me backstage. It’s his first
performance and he’s an absolute wreck.
JUDY
Come on, we’ll watch from the stands like
everyone else.
ALBERT
Like everyone else?
AGADOR
Wish me luck.
(they do)
Cross your fingers.
(they do)
Knock on wood.
(there isn’t any)
Rub this rabbit’s foot.
JUDY
Go, go!
Agador kisses Albert and Judy and runs in. Judy walks away. Albert
still has Agador’s lunch box. He goes to call out, but it’s too late.
HE STANDS THERE A MOMENT ALONE, LOOKING LOST.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY
Players gear up, taping ankles, putting on shoes, pads and helmets.
Player after player adds the final touch: smearing black grease under
their eyes.
Agador applies the grease carefully at a mirror. It’s still not
right. He pulls out a makeup brush and touches up, making two
perfect, neat rectangles.
He pauses, then applies a touch to his lashes. Then he sees
BARTHOLOMEW staring at him with a mean, ugly sneer.
CUT TO:
The players gather around Coach Johnson and bow their heads.
COACH JOHNSON
Tommy, lead us in prayer.
TOMMY
Lord, we humbly beseech you to watch over
us, to see us through this game with no
injuries. And if You desire it one step
closer to the playoffs.
Everyone has become aware of someone mumbling louder and louder.
39

COACH JOHNSON
Hey! We’re trying to pray here
It’s Agador, on bended knee, mumbling Spanish prayers over rosaries.
Finally, he crosses himself and sighs. He’s ready.
INT. TEXAS STADIUM – DAY
As the Cowboys take the field against the Green Bay Packers, Agador
looks to the family section and smiles when he sees Judy and Albert.
He looks to three front row seats. They’re empty. He’s disappointed.
IN THE NOSEBLEED SECTION OF THE STANDS, Esteban leads Juan and Rigo to
their new seats.
JUAN
I thought they were front row seats.
ESTEBAN
Just watch the game.
Rigo looks at the field, which seems miles away.
RIGO
How?
CUT TO:
The Cowboys have the ball. Boomer describes the action:
BOOMER ESSAISON (OC)
Handoff to Wilson... Tackled. A gain of
three, but short of a first down, which
brings up a forth and seven for the Cowboys
at the Packers 35.
AT THE COWBOYS BENCH, the Offense comes off the field. Agador watches
as their fellow players offer words of encouragement and pat them on
the butt!
As a player comes by, Agador pats him on the butt. The guy tosses him
a nervous glance, but Agador is already patting a couple more butts as
they come by. What a wonderful custom!
AGADOR
Good job Lester! Way to go Munson!
IN THE NOSEBLEED SECTION OF THE STANDS, Esteban is watching Agador
through a pair of binoculars. He puts his head in his hands.
RIGO
Do you see him? Can I see?
He reaches for the binoculars, but Esteban pulls them away.
40

ON THE SIDELINES, Agador pats Patrick’s butt as he goes by. Patrick


whirls, furious, apoplectic But the Coach steps up.
COACH JOHNSON
LORCA! What the hell are you waiting for?!
An invitation?!
AGADOR
Where are we going?
The Coach points to the field. Agador looks. His teammates are
waiting for him. So is the other team. SO IS THE ENTIRE STADIUM.
AL MICHAELS (OC)
The question on everyone’s mind is “is the
Hershey’s Howitzer for real?”
BOOMER (OC)
He’s the first barefoot pro kicker since
the great Tony Franklin. The Cowboys must
be hoping he can fill those shoes.
Agador gets into position and takes a good long look at that HUGE
DEFENSIVE LINE. IN SLOW MOTION, THESE MEN WHO’S JOB IT IS TO SNAP HIM
IN HALF AND THINK NOTHING OF IT SET UP.
THERON, the ball holder, looks back at Agador for the nod. A
petrified Agador shakes his head. All his teammates look back at him.
C’mon. Agador shakes no again.
ALBERT AND JUDY are on pins and needles.
PRESS BOX
BOOMER ESSAISON
Looks like opening night jitters, Al.
AL MICHAELS
It’s a long, long way to those posts.
ON THE FIELD, BAAHN the buzzer rings. The REF throws a flag.
REF (SIMULTANEOUSLY OVER PA)
Delay of game. Five yards.
The Cowboys walk back, everyone glaring at Agador. The REF places the
ball on the 40-yard line.
ON THE SIDELINES, COACH JOHNSON is shaking his head.
ON THE FIELD, THERON looks to Agador for the OK. AGADOR is frozen,
wide-eyed. Theron decides to just call it.
THERON
Thirty-one. Twenty-two. Hut. Hut.
41

The ball is snapped, Theron places it, Agador runs. THE DEFENSIVE
LINE HITS THE OFFENSE HARD. Agador kicks. The ball flies. Up...
up... down... AND THROUGH THE POSTS. THE COWBOY FANS CHEER.
JUDY AND ALBERT CHEER. Agador is delighted.
ON THE SIDELINES, the Cowboys shake their heads in wonder. Patrick
glances at Dave who’s smiling AS HE FANS HIMSELF WITH A PAPER FOLDED
LIKE A CHINESE FAN.
ALBERT notices the Dallas Cowgirls cheering. In particular, their
THIRTYISH WOMAN DIRECTOR. He jumps up and waves his arms.
ALBERT
Annie! Annie Muskopf!! Annie!
(Annie can’t hear)
I can’t believe it! We were on Broadway
together in the chorus of Mame! I taught
her to Can Can! She was my biggest fan. I
have to say hello.
JUDY
Albert, you’re not allowed on the field
But he’s gone. Judy watches Albert trot down the steps to the gate.
A GUARD stops him. Judy shakes her head, but Annie sees him, rushes
over and ushers him through amidst hugs and kisses.
MONTAGE OF SHOTS TRACKING THE GAME AS THE COWBOYS PERFORM POORLY:
The quarterback throws an interception; They miss an easy fumble;
The offense allows a sack; As Players exit the field, fingers are
stuck in chests and insults tossed, spreading blame.
BOOMER (OC)
There’s a heck of a lot of talent on the
Cowboys. But they just can’t get it
together as a team.
AL MICHAELS (OC)
They aren’t playing with each other.
They’re playing against each other.
CUT TO:
Agador sets up for another kick, watching THE PACKERS LINE SET UP. He
swallows his fear, kicks... and... It’s good! THE CROWDS CHEER!
CUT TO:
The Cowboys muff a short pass and toss more mutual recriminations.
It‘s up to Agador again. He sets up.
The SCOREBOARD READS: COWBOYS: 13. PACKERS: 13. 4th Quarter. The
crowds watch, expectant. The snap. Crunching and grunting, the
Cowboys hold the line as Agador kicks.
42

AL MICHAELS
Right down the middle... it’s good!
BOOMER ESSAISON
With just twenty seconds left, Dallas pulls
ahead by three! They should send a thank-
you note to the Packers for playing even
worse than they did! And to their new
kicker, Agador Lorca!
AGADOR basks in the CROWD’S ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE as he walks off.
Until he looks to the still empty seats he gave his father.
IN THE STANDS, Juan and Rigo are yelling and cheering.
JUAN
So when are we going to meet your son?
ESTEBAN
He’s very busy right now.
ON THE FIELD, game over, the victorious Cowboys are walking off.
LUNTZ
He’s got an incredible natural talent.
COACH JOHNSON
One game doesn’t make a career.
AT THE RAILING, Judy looks for Albert. She spots him ON THE FIELD
WITH THE CHEERLEADERS, IN A TEAM JACKET AND CARRYING POM-POMS. Albert
waves a security guard aside to allow Judy onto the field.
ALBERT
Judy, this is Annie!
ANNIE
Hi. I still can’t believe it. Albert was
the greatest teacher I ever had. We all
looked up to him.
(to Albert)
Whatever happened to you. We all thought
you were going to be a big star?
This stings Albert. Judy tries to distract him.
JUDY
Looks like you’re having fun.
ALBERT
(recovers)
Fun? Annie’s hired me as the Cowgirls
assistant director!
JUDY
Tell me you’re joking.
43

ALBERT
Now I can keep an eye on our Agador. Gimme
an A! Gimme a G! Gimme a D-O-R!
EXT. COWBOYS PRACTICE FIELD - SIDELINES - DAY
The Cheerleaders finish a cheer.
ALBERT
Remember; the pom-pom is a symbol of your
joyful wish that the fans be... fans be...
that they be...
CHEERLEADER
On our side?
ALBERT
Yes!
(borrows pom-poms)
Push out the joy. Bring in the love. Joy.
Love. Joy. Love.
Albert spots Agador and the Cowboys coming out to practice.
ANGLE ON the players lining up for a scrimmage designed for Agador’s
edification. Johnson seems barely tolerant of Agador’s existence.
COACH JOHNSON
It’s a contingency. Theron will fumble.
You grab it and run your ass across the
goal line.
The ball is hiked. Theron fumbles. Agador grabs the ball. TWO
RUSHERS COME AT HIM. HE PANICS AND DOES A BAREFOOT DROP KICK.
PATRICK
Stop! What the hell are you ?
Everyone watches, amazed, as the ball sails through the goal posts.
Johnson walks further down field, away from the goal posts and signals
everyone to huddle around him.
COACH JOHNSON
You can kick. We got that. But I want you
to run. Just
ALBERT PUSHES INTO THE CENTER OF THE CIRCLE.
ALBERT
Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me.
(hands Agador his Wizard
of Oz lunch box)
I’m going to have to clip it to your shirt
sleeve next time.
(to all)
I put in an extra banana if anyone wants
one.
44

COACH JOHNSON
Who the hell are you?!
ALBERT
Oh! How rude of me. I’m Albert, the new
Spirit Choreographer. Hi... Hi...
He grabs player after player’s hand. In shock, they let him. He
reaches Gibbons, who doesn’t shake; he just stares at him.
ALBERT
My, but you’re a big one. I don’t mean to
be a busybody, but you might have a gland
problem. I had a German girlfriend,
Frauline Von Trotta, she became positively
enormous. Had to have the doors of her
house widened. Can you imagine? Though,
between you and me, she was quite an eater.
If I had a dollar for every cherry Strudel
she wolfed down after a Beef Roladen
COACH JOHNSON
Off! Get off my field!
Coach Luntz escorts Albert off the field.
ALBERT
Of course, I didn’t mean to interrupt.
(returning for lunchbox)
I’ll hold this for you, dear.
PATRICK
(to Agador)
What, do all you guys know each other?
The Offense and Defense line up. Albert stands by Luntz.
COACH LUNTZ (USING MEGAPHONE)
BILOXI, POSITION.
Tommy shifts left. Albert borrows the megaphone.
ALBERT (USING MEGAPHONE)
AGADOR, POSTURE.
Agador stands up straight. Everyone stares at Albert. He locks his
lips and throws away the key. The ball is hiked. Theron fumbles.
Tackles approach Agador and... he drop kicks again.
COACH JOHNSON
NO! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO
It goes all the way down the field. And in. Their jaws drop.
THERON
A sixty-five yard drop kick...?
45

ALBERT
(clapping wildly)
Bravo! Bravo! Encore!
COACH JOHNSON
Lorca! This is a simple task! RUN WITH THE
BALL.
ALBERT is talking conspiratorially with Luntz.
ALBERT
Not only doesn’t he listen, he’s lazy. You
have to stay on top of him constantly. You
just have to yell at him; it’s the only
way.
Luntz is nodding. Johnson points at Agador’s face.
JOHNSON
Your problem, Lorca, is you’re afraid.
Well it’s time you broke your cherry.
(Agador blinks)
You have to get used to being tackled!
Ah, now Agador gets it. Players take up positions. Coach Johnson
pulls a few aside.
COACH JOHNSON
Defenders, just let the tackles by.
Tackles, you hit him. Hard... OKAY, LET’S
DO IT!
The tackles set their sights on Agador. Johnson smiles.
THERON
Twenty-one. Thirteen. Five. Hut
ALBERT
Cut! Cut!
Players stumble in mid-motion AS ALBERT RUSHES ONTO THE FIELD AND
BENDS DOWN TO TIE THERON’S SHOELACES.
ALBERT
Okay!
COACH JOHNSON
What the ?! GET OFF MY FIELD! GO TO YOUR
CHEERLEADERS AND DON’T COME BACK!
ALBERT
(passing Luntz)
He seems like a very tense man. Has he
given any thought to Saint John’s Wort?
CUT TO:
46

THE MOMENT OF TRUTH. Agador is tense as the ball is snapped. Agador


grabs the fumble and runs. He’s fast. So fast maybe he’ll score!
But his blockers fall away to reveal THE LINE OF TACKLES.
Agador does an about face. Everyone shouts at him to go the other
way. Defenders, Assistant Coaches, even equipment handlers join the
chase. He zigzags to avoid them, running off the field.
COACH JOHNSON
Just get him!
Agador runs to the gate, but Johnson blocks him. Agador turns. Too
late. Boom boom boom. 2500 pounds of angry muscle descend on him.
They lay on him, not injured, just exhausted.
Albert runs up. He pushes and pulls at them fruitlessly.
ALBERT
You horrible, horrible creatures! Get off!
My poor Agador! Are you in there?
They pile off. As the last player rises we see poor Agador.
HE’S GOT A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE.
INT. ESTEBAN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Esteban is sitting in a Lay-Z-Boy watching “Up Close” on ESPN.
HOST ROY FIRESTONE
From the Hershey’s field goal to starting
kicker for America’s team
Esteban hits the remote. It’s the Evening News.
ANCHOR
The Cowboys new kicker got off to a great
start with three field goals
Again with the remote. “I Love Lucy” pops on. Esteban laughs as Lucy
gets her head stuck between two fence posts. The show cuts to
commercial:
A black Ford Bronco drives through a strange, amorphous landscape.
The picture cuts to the field of Texas Stadium, where players and fans
turn their heads to look at an inexplicable sight: the Bronco
appearing on the field as if from nowhere. AGADOR STEPS OUT.
AGADOR (ON TV)
When you come out of nowhere, it helps to
have equipment you can count on.
Agador kicks with his bare foot. All heads in the stadium turn to
watch as the football goes through the goal posts.
47

NARRATOR (ON TV)


Ford. Equipment you can count on.
Esteban can’t believe it. He remotes off the TV. The phone rings.
ESTEBAN
Hello?... Yes, I recognize your voice
Princess.
INTERCUT WITH AGADOR IN HIS BEDROOM, pacing back and forth.
AGADOR
I’m sorry to bother you at home, Señor
Lorca, but I have a favor to ask. I would
like you to be my dancing coach. I can pay
you handsomely
ESTEBAN
No, I’m sorry, I can’t do that anymore
AGADOR
Don’t be silly. I talked to my aunt. She
says you coached the great Catrina.
ESTEBAN
Your aunt? I thought she’d passed away.
AGADOR
... no, her sister.
ESTEBAN
I thought she passed away too.
AGADOR
Yes, of course. But she still talks to me.
It’s a gift. I can’t explain it.
ESTEBAN
... It’s been so many years. I’m out of
practice
AGADOR
I saw in the few moments you spent with me
how talented you are. A master does not
simply forget his genius.
ESTEBAN
Well, I mean of course I could try.
INT. DANCE STUDIO - DAY
Music wails as Agador stomps to the beat. Esteban stops the music.
48

ESTEBAN
You must dance like you are the most
beautiful, the most desirable woman in the
world! When you stomp the stage, you are
stomping on the desires of men to have you.
But not so hard that they lose hope.
Again!
Esteban puts the needle toward the end of the song. Agador dances.
ESTEBAN
Yes... Yes... Con gusto!
(music ends)
Princess, this grease paint and quarters,
it may be “the rage” in Barcelona but
Flamenco is built on centuries of
tradition. Please tell me you’ll start
wearing heels.
He flips through his own records, the dusty jackets bringing back
memories. “Música Por Rodrigo” catches his attention.
ESTEBAN
This one Rodrigo signed for my wife Catrina
at the Hotel Continental Bel Âge room in
1958. She was so young. As beautiful as a
Botticelli.
He puts the record on. But he does not instruct Agador to dance. He
just shuts his eyes sadly as the memories run through him.
AGADOR
You loved her very much.
ESTEBAN
Tell me about yourself. Are you married?
(Agador shakes his head)
I know someone perfect for you. Antonio.
He’s a fine young man from a respectable
Mexican family. And quite handsome.
AGADOR
Really?
(thinks better of it)
Thank you, but... the truth is I’m secretly
engaged. To a public figure. I can't say
who exactly
(sotto)
But I can see this. 70 home runs.
ESTEBAN
... Mark McGwire? But... isn’t he married?
AGADOR
She doesn’t understand him.
49

INT. JUDY AND AGADOR’S HOUSE - DAY


Albert holds two pom poms, going through some simple cheerleading
moves. Agador stands on a box in a red dress WOBBLING ON HIS NEW
FLAMENCO HIGH HEELS. Judy is on her knees hemming.
ALBERT
I’m going to be the best cheerleader A.D.
ever! And the better I am, the better it
will be for you. I’ll be content just to
share the moment from the sidelines.
Judy rolls her eyes. She grabs Agador’s legs.
JUDY
Hold still! Why don’t you just take the
heels off?
AGADOR
I can’t. I have to get used to them.
Judy notices a pile of knitted patches nearby and picks one up.
AGADOR
That’s the Spanish Royal Coat of Arms. I
need one patch on every dress.
JUDY
This is it for me. If you’re going to
indulge in this insanity, you’ll have to
scour Dallas for a willing tailor.
ALBERT
He is not indulging. He can’t wear the
same thing all the time. His father is a
gentleman.
JUDY
Of course, and he would expect nothing less
for his son than to have the finest Couture
dresses.
AT THE OPEN FRONT DOOR, NEIGHBORS MARGE AND ED knock, a cake in
Marge’s hand, a football in Ed’s.
MARGE
Hellooo!
JUDY (OC)
Hello?
Marge and Ed, upbeat, come walking in.
MARGE
Hi! I’m Marge this is Ed, we’re from
across the street
50

Seeing Agador, Marge and Ed stop dead.


AGADOR
Oh how nice! A cake!
(stumbles over to them)
Apple Bundt! How scrumptious! I’m Agador.
This is Judy. That’s Albert.
ALBERT
Are you the couple who live in that
wonderful Tudor with the lawn jockey?
Marge and Ed are speechless. The phone rings. Judy answers it.
JUDY AGADOR
Hello? It’s so nice of you to come
(listens) by like this.
Oh hi... Yeah, I remember
you... You do. You’d like MARGE
that? I, uh... Hold on a ... Well, uh, Ed’s a big
sec. fan... He... uh, has a
football for you to sign.
Agador reaches for it. Ed, in shock, won’t let go. They pull back
and forth until Marge nudges him. He releases it.
JUDY
Agador! It’s that football player.
Patrick O’Leary! He’s asking me out!
AGADOR
Tell him yes.
(rolls eyes to them)
I keep telling her sometimes you’ve just
got to go with your hormones.
MARGE
How... true.
Agador signs the football and hands it back to Ed.
ED
What’s with the dress?
MADONNA PARROT
Like a Virgin! Like a Virgin!
MARGE
Ed, let’s
AGADOR
You like it?
He spins around for Ed. Marge takes Ed by the hand.
MARGE
Well, G’bye. Say Goodbye, Ed.
51

Ed just stares as Marge pulls him out. Judy hangs up.


AGADOR
I like them.
Albert shrugs.
JUDY
Why do I listen to you?! I can’t believe
this. He called me “baby.”
(imitates his voice)
“See ya baby” Do you know what that says
about how he sees me?!
AGADOR
He thinks you’re a babe.
JUDY
No, it says Really? Is that what that
means? No it doesn’t.
AGADOR
Of course. You think he wants to feed you
Gerbers or something? I don’t think so,
honey.
ALBERT
Is Patrick the one with the eyelashes?
AGADOR
That’s Powell.
JUDY
I hate this. I’m getting excited about
some Neanderthal that runs around a big
enclosure chasing a pigskin.
INT. TEXAS STADIUM - DAY
A New England Patriot drops a handoff IT’S A LOOSE PIGSKIN! Players
run around the field chasing it. Gibbons grabs it and runs into the
end zone for a touchdown. Patriots: 7 Cowboys: 16.
PRESS BOX
AL MICHAELS
New England is giving this game to the
Cowboys! And the way the Cowboys are
playing, they don’t deserve it.
CUT TO:
A New England receiver makes a catch RIGHT NEXT TO WHERE ALBERT IS
STANDING, but lands out of bounds.
REF
Out of bounds!
52

ALBERT
No he wasn’t.
REF
Yes, he was.
ALBERT
I know, but they’re so far behind, the poor
dears...
AT THE COWBOYS BENCH, Offensive players go to pat the butts of the
Defense as they come off the field, BUT THEN STOP THEMSELVES AS THEY
GLANCE NERVOUSLY AT AGADOR.
CUT TO:
THE QUARTERBACK throws a short pass right to WILSON, BUT HE DROPS THE
BALL. INCOMPLETE. THE CROWD GROANS. As the Offense comes off the
field, Agador watches as AN ANGRY PLAYER confronts Wilson.
ANGRY PLAYER
You had it man! It was a first down !
AGADOR
Phelps, you’re not mad because he dropped
the ball.
PHELPS (ANGRY PLAYER)
What?!
AGADOR
You’re mad at Wilson because you have an
issue with Wilson. You feel he doesn’t put
the proper value on your contribution to
the team.
Phelps just stares at Agador.
AGADOR
But that’s not the way it is at all. I
heard Wilson tell Dave that you’re the
best... whatever you are... he’s ever
played with.
BOTH PLAYERS LOOK AT AGADOR LIKE HE’S FROM ANOTHER PLANET, then walk
off in different directions.
CUT TO:
The Cowboys quarterback, in trouble dodging defensive tackles,
launches a Hail Mary. The ball finds Tommy, who sidesteps two
Patriots for the TOUCHDOWN. The Fans roar! Tommy does a dance.
IN THE PRESS BOX, John Madden and Pat Summerall are excited.
MADDEN
Talk about lucky! He’s pretty happy.
53

SUMMERALL
It sort of looks that way ? Woa, what’s
gotten into the Cowboys?
ON THE FIELD, the Cowboys are running up to Tommy to hug him, but stop
themselves and shake his hand instead.
MADDEN
It looks like they thought that touchdown
was rather cricket of Biloxi.
SUMMERALL
I dare say they did. And it was rather
good show of him, too.
The Cowgirls do a cheer from their usual repertoire as Albert scans
the Cowboys bench, tense.
BOOMER ESSAISON (OC)
Here’s the one Cowboy who’s truly earning
today. Agador Lorca, taking the field for
the extra point. In his first two games he
was seven for seven on field goal attempts,
leading the Cowboys to both wins.
ON THE BENCH, Patrick and Theron watch as Agador kicks the extra point
AND THE CROWD CHEERS HIM.
ALBERT SPRINGS INTO ACTION, gesturing dramatically to the Cowgirls,
who quickly form two circles, one inside the other.
ALBERT CONDUCTS THE PEP BAND, WHICH STRIKES UP ABBA’S TAKE A CHANCE ON
ME AS THE COWGIRLS’ CIRCLES ROTATE IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS, BENDING
BACKWARDS WITH OPPOSITE COLORED CARDS IN A PERFECT BUSBY BERKELYESQUE
ROUTINE. THE CENTER CIRCLE BOWS FORWARD TURNING THEIR CARDS TO REVEAL
A GIANT ROTATING PORTRAIT OF AGADOR, WHILE THE OUTER CIRCLE WAVES
THEIR POM-POMS AND KICKS IN UNISON.
Everyone looks on, stunned. Coach Johnson, Patrick, Theron and
Gibbons look at each other. What the fuck?
ALBERT IS PLEASED AS FANS RESPOND WITH MORE CHEERING FOR AGADOR. As
Agador comes off the field he bows to the fans spontaneously, like a
matador AND THEY CHEER EVEN MORE.
INT. STADIUM – EDGE OF THE FIELD, BY THE STANDS - DAY
Game over, a group of autograph hounds hold things out for Agador,
who’s signing a program. Albert shakes his head disapprovingly.
ALBERT
You don’t just sign them. Say something.
Personalize it. Here.
(takes program)
What’s your name honey?
54

WOMAN
Irene.
Albert nods and thinks. Irene and the others look at Albert. Who
does he think he is? Albert smiles and scribbles.
ALBERT
“Never say goodnight Irene, I’ll see you at
the next game!” There.
He has Agador sign the program. Woman 2 hands Agador a jersey.
AGADOR
What’s your name?
WOMAN 2
Ragna.
Agador is at a loss. Albert sighs and grabs the jersey. He writes
“Your eyes are as beautiful as Aphrodite’s.”
RAGNA (WOMAN 2)
Oh my. Thank you!
Albert smiles. WITH A FLOURISH HE SIGNS IT “AGADOR.” He hands it
over AND IMMEDIATELY THREE PEOPLE HAND HIM SOMETHING TO SIGN.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - LATER
Agador watches as the tired players stare at their feet and the Coach
rips into them.
COACH JOHNSON
You lucky bastards. I haven’t seen a sorrier
bunch of athletes since the Special Olympics!
Maybe I should ask the commissioner if you
cripples can play in wheelchairs and crutches
next time! But that wouldn’t help the brain
damage, would it? Biloxi! Do we need to
give you remedial math, Biloxi?! Do we?!
TOMMY
No, Coach.
COACH JOHNSON
Then tell us how many games we have to lose
before we’re out of the playoffs.
TOMMY
Two, Coach.
COACH JOHNSON
For the rest of you gifted intellectuals
that’s one more than one!
Everyone avoids the Coach’s glare. A beat, then Agador stands.
55

AGADOR
I think what the players are feeling is
that while they very much feel your
frustration and anger, they are having
trouble seeing what exactly you want them
to improve.
The Coach’s face turns red. He starts to shake. Patrick smirks,
awaiting the inevitable. The Coach gets in Agador’s face.
COACH JOHNSON
LISTEN YOU CANDY-ASSED WET-BACK FREAK-OF-
NATURE! I DON’T NEED YOU TO TELL ME HOW TO
COACH!
AGADOR
(taken aback)
How can you be talking to me like this? You
don’t even know me. If you have something
to say to me, come back when you are calmed
down.
Agador walks away. Veins popping out on his forehead, the Coach
rushes Agador, but Dave and a couple of players restrain him. He
pulls free and leaves the room. Two sullen players watch him go.
PLAYER #1
What the hell does he think? We don’t want
to win?
PLAYER #2
The Super Bowl is in Texas Stadium this
year. We should be there.
LATER
The Cowboys change into street clothes. Agador is looking through the
dresses in his locker, but can’t decide. The SHIRT ADVICE SEEKING
PLAYER from earlier walks by. He points to the blue one. Agador
nods. That is a nice dress. Agador pulls it out.
PATRICK, seeing this, SLAMS HIS LOCKER. THE SHIRT ADVICE SEEKING
PLAYER reacts to the peer pressure and moves on.
EXT. NEPALESE VILLAGE AT THE FOOT OF HIMALAYAS – DAY
Armand and Albert’s son VAL, and Val’s wife BARBARA, are just coming
down out of the mountains. They kick snow off their shoes. Barbara’s
jaw drops, drawing Val’s attention to:
A TEN-FOOT TALL BILLBOARD AD FOR A NEPALESE MAGAZINE, WITH AGADOR ON
THE COVER IN HIS COWBOYS UNIFORM.
BARBARA
Val. How long were we up there?
56

INT. “SWING YER PARTNER” DANCE STUDIO - DAY


Agador is in a GREEN DRESS. Esteban demonstrates a soft shoe step for
Agador. Agador, IN HEELS, repeats it, trips, and careens into the
record player.
INT. TALK SHOW DRESSING ROOM - DAY
A MAKE-UP ARTIST is prepping Agador. Albert harrumphs.
AGADOR
What?
The Make-up Artist glares at Albert who hands Agador a compact. A
nervous Agador grabs the puff pad from her and applies more. ALBERT
GRABS IT FROM AGADOR AND APPLIES EVEN MORE.
MAKE-UP ARTIST
Tony!
The Producer. Approaching with Judy.
JUDY
Albert, what are you doing here?!
ALBERT
Making sure he looks his best.
PRODUCER
(to Agador)
Tony Lowe, hi. I want to prep you with a
few of the questions before
The producer pauses when he sees Agador staring goo-goo-eyed at a
HANDSOME TECH fiddling with his mic. Judy nudges Agador.
PRODUCER
(reading from notes)
Uh... We’ll lead in with the business about
your name. Then we’ll ask if you’ve got
what it takes to make it in pro ball over
the long haul
ALBERT
Of course he does! I mean just look at
him. He’s wonderful. Any mother’s dream.
Judy yanks Albert away.
JUDY
Two choices. Stay back behind the cameras
and crew or leave. This is not about you.
This is about Agador.
57

INT. ROSIE O’DONNELL SHOW - DAY


ROSIE O’DONNELL
My next guest we watched go from the
Hershey’s field goal to America’s newest
football sensation. Give a big hand to the
Cowboys star kicker, the Hershey’s
Howitzer, Agador Lorca!
Agador walks on fidgeting with his conservative clothes. He sits. Judy
watches him approvingly from behind the cameras. NEARBY, ALBERT
STUGGLES WITH A TECH TO THROW ANOTHER LIGHT ONTO AGADOR. Judy glares
at him and he stops. She smiles, everything under control.
ROSIE
“Agador.” That’s an unusual name.
AGADOR
Thank you. I chose it myself.
ROSIE
Really? Then it’s not your first first
name?
Agador shakes his head but doesn’t elaborate. He stares at the
audience, tongue-tied with stage fright.
ROSIE
Uh, you look great. I love that shirt.
AGADOR
Thank you. It’s just a cotton, but your
blouse is really nice. The colors are
perfect. Lycra?
(touches it)
ROSIE
Yes, actually.
AGADOR
I love all the early fabrics.
ROSIE
Me too. Nylon, Orlon
AGADOR
Rayon!
ROSIE
Yes! But it’s hard to find good Rayon
AGADOR
You have to buy vintage.
58

ROSIE
That’s it; that’s true.
(laughs, mock suspicion)
You know way too much. You’re gay, aren’t
you?
Judy watches in horror as Agador pauses.
EXT. STUDIO BUILDING - DAY
Judy is furious as they exit the building.
ALBERT
You told him “don’t ask, don’t tell.” You
didn’t say what to do when they ask.
JUDY
If I’d thought for a second he’d declare it
openly on national television !
AGADOR
What’s the difference?
An ESPN van screeches to a halt at the curb. A CREW jumps out.
JUDY
This is the difference.
REPORTER
Agador! How does it feel to be the first
openly gay pro football player?
AGADOR
Fine.
Judy hauls him into her car, cutting short the interview. Albert stops
to talk to the Reporter but Judy throws him into the car.
INT. CAR
JUDY
And what was that business with the
Technician?!
AGADOR
He was flirting with me. Didn’t you see
how he kept adjusting my tie?
ALBERT
That was your microphone, dear.
CUT TO:
59

ESPN COMMENTATOR (LIVE ON TV)


The sports world was turned upside down
today when the starting kicker for the
Dallas Cowboys admitted to being a
homosexual on the Rosie O’Donnell show.
THE TV CUTS TO FOOTAGE OF AGADOR AT THE MOMENT ROSIE ASKED HIM:
ROSIE (ON TV)
You know way too much. You’re gay, aren’t
you?
AGADOR (ON TV)
(pause)
Yes.
(innocently)
Are you?
REVERSE ON AGADOR’S FRIENDS IN MIAMI WATCHING. WE’RE:
INT. MIAMI APARTMENT – DAY - TEDDY CLICKS OFF ESPN
CECE
Maybe it’ll blow over.
CUT TO:
BLACK. THE “NIGHTLINE” LOGO AND MUSIC COME UP.
TED KOPPEL
Good evening. I’m Ted Koppel. The Dallas
Cowboys starting kicker, Agador Lorca, today
openly declared himself gay on the Rosie
O’Donnell show. Is there anything wrong with
that? Here with two very different opinions
are Senator Kevin Keeley, Chairman of the
Coalition for Moral Order, and U.S.
Representative Barney Frank, openly gay U.S.
Congressman
PULL BACK TO REVEAL WE’RE:
INT. SHACK BAR IN NEPALESE VILLAGE - DAY
The OWNER fiddles with the satellite for Val and Barbara, who are
surrounded by VILLAGERS bewildered by the English program. Val is on
the phone. Barbara downs a drink and pours another.
SPLIT SCREEN – SEN. KEELEY AND CONGRESSMAN FRANK
KEELEY (GENE HACKMAN) (ON TV)
This is not about what’s okay to do in the
privacy of one’s home, Ted that’s a
discussion I’ll leave for another day.
This is about a national sports figure. A
role model that Americans look up to
60

BARNEY FRANK (ON TV)


Exactly, Senator. They look up to him as a
sports figure. His being gay has nothing
to do with it.
SENATOR KEELEY (ON TV)
Don’t interrupt and twist what I’m trying
to say. Where are your manners? Obviously
your role models left much to be desired.
BARNEY FRANK (ON TV)
Franklin Roosevelt was my main role model.
You’re not suggesting he was...
SENATOR KEELEY (ON TV)
Oh please! That is totally uncalled for!
VAL holds his hand over the receiver and turns to Barbara.
VAL
Albert says to tell you your dad looks
great since he lost the weight.
INTERCUT WITH AGADOR AND JUDY WATCHING NIGHTLINE
ALBERT
Barbara’s not too thin is she? Am I going
to have to fatten you both up when you come
home in February?
VAL
Uh...Cyril, is my dad on the line yet?
ADDITIONAL INTERCUT WITH CYRIL, STAGE MANAGER AT THE BIRDCAGE
It’s Friday night backstage. People run frantically to and fro.
CYRIL
Hold on Val... ARMAND!
INTERCUT THREE LOCATIONS OF THE CONFERENCE CALL, AS NEEDED
ALBERT
Valy, you are coming home February 16th?
VAL
Barbara wants to say hello.
(to Barbara)
He’s asking when we’re coming home. You
tell him. I can’t!
Val tries to hand her the phone. She pushes it back.
BARBARA
He’s your mother!
They struggle over it; finally, she takes it.
61

BARBARA
Albert, hi!... Well it turns out the project
needs us a little longer... uh, ten months...
No, we don’t despise you... I’m sure it’s not
a heart murmur No that’s true, I’m not,
I’m an engineer... I know it’s long after the
football season ends No, they will not
have an extended run... Of course we miss
you, don’t be silly... Great... Yes of
course I’ll tell him.
(to Val)
He wants us to fax our eulogies now, so we
don’t risk missing his funeral.
IN MIAMI, Armand, wearing a too-small burlesque costume, wig askew,
runs up and grabs the phone in a rage.
ARMAND
ALBERT!
ALBERT
Oh, Armand, it’s horrible. Did you hear?
They’re not coming back for a whole year.
Say something to them.
ARMAND
Say something to them?! You’re in Texas,
Albert! Texas! And I’m here running
around plugging holes in dikes!
(to someone OC)
Not you honey. Albert, the way things are
going out there, you and Agador better hop
the next plane to Miami.
(sees TV, gestures, Cyril
turns up volume)
Oh my God, Barbara, is that your father?
He must have lost fifteen pounds.
ON THE TV
TED KOPPEL (ON TV)
If I understand you correctly, Senator,
you’re suggesting that a gay sports hero
encourages others to be gay?
SENATOR KEELEY (ON TV)
When Michael Jordan wears Nikes, America
wears Nikes!
INT. BARBERSHOP - DAY
The Barbers cut hair wordlessly, Juan and Rigo tossing a stoic Esteban
occasional furtive glances. The only sound in the room is the snip,
snip, snip of scissors.
62

EXT. TEXAS STADIUM - DAY


GOODYEAR BLIMP POV OF the last fans filing into the stadium.
CUT TO:
THE STANDS, filled to capacity. AN EERIE SILENCE REIGNS. 85,000
people, all sitting still, stare self-consciously at Agador, who’s on
the field, setting up for the kick off to start the game.
SOMEONE’S NERVOUS COUGH REVERBERATES THROUGH THE STADIUM.
AT THE OTHER END OF THE FIELD, the PHILADELPHIA EAGLES wait to
receive. CLOSE ON THREE HUGE BLOCKERS, gazing up field at Agador.
HUGE PHILLY BLOCKER
Let’s see if he bleeds like the rest of us.
The other two nod, venom in their eyes.
Agador kicks off. THE PHILLY BLOCKERS RUN OUT AHEAD OF THEIR PACK,
TOWARDS AGADOR, AS A FELLOW PLAYER CATCHES THE BALL.
AGADOR is oblivious, keeping a safe distance from the main action.
THE PHILLY BLOCKERS are closing in when HE SEES THEM AND PANICS. HE
RUNS. The Kick Returner is tackled BUT THE BLOCKERS DON’T STOP.
AGADOR LEAPS FOR SAFETY BEHIND THERON AS THE BLOCKERS LEAP. THEY
CRASH INTO THERON, WHO LANDS HARD, CRUSHED UNDER THEM.
WHISTLE! FLAG DOWN! COWBOY FANS BOO THE BLOCKERS! Agador walks off,
pale, looking back at the moaning Theron.
REF (OVER PA)
Personal Foul: Unnecessary roughness. 15
yards.
AT THE BENCH, a shaken Agador sits as the First Aid Crew helps a
groggy Theron to the bench. Dave leans over.
DAVE
Don’t worry. They were just making a
statement. They can’t afford fifteen yards
every time you’re on the field.
COACH JOHNSON watches as THE HEAD COACH FOR THE OPPOSING TEAM LOOKS AT
HIM, THEN WHISPERS TO HIS ASSISTANT COACHES, WHO ALL LAUGH.
Both teams gather on the field. ALBERT TURNS TO JOHNSON.
ALBERT
I love it when they cuddle.
COACH JOHNSON
IT’S HUDDLE!
CUT TO:
63

As Agador and the Special Team take the field, they’re interrupted by
THE SOUND OF A DRUM ROLL.
THE COWGIRLS ARE FANNING OUT IN LOCK-STEP ALONG THE SIDELINES, WEARING
AND BEATING SNARE DRUMS. THEIR DRAMATIC POUNDING AND RUNNING BUILDS
AS AGADOR APPROACHES HIS STARTING POINT. MOVEMENT AND SOUND
CRESCENDO, THEN FALL SILENT AND MOTIONLESS ON A DIME.
THE ENTIRE STADIUM IS HUSHED. FOCUSED ON AGADOR.
Theron limps into position as ball holder, GLARING AT AGADOR. Both
teams set up at the line, ready for battle.
PHILLY DEFENDER
(loudly, for all)
So is being gay a requirement on the
Cowboys? Or did you all volunteer?
The Eagles laugh. Agador looks at his line. Patrick. Gibbons.
Bartholomew. All fuming. An Eagle points at Agador in an “I’m going
to get you” gesture. Agador swallows. Will his guys protect him?
Sweating, Agador nods for the snap and the Linemen tear at each other,
THE COWBOYS GIVING IT THEIR PROFESSIONAL BEST.
Agador kicks. The Opposing Line pushes for an extra beat. Then
stops. The play is over. The kick is good. A beat, then the COWBOY
FANS THROW UP A CHEER.
ALBERT SIGNALS AND THE PEP BAND BREAKS INTO STARS AND STRIPES. THE
SCANTILY-CLAD PATRIOTIC-SEQUINED COWGIRLS RUN UP AND DOWN THE
SIDELINES WITH RED, WHITE AND BLUE STREAMERS, TOSSING CONFETTI.
AGADOR smiles at the other players as they come off the field.
PATRICK
Don’t. Don’t you smile at me.
AGADOR
Thanks for being such good blockers. You
guys are the best!
Patrick rolls his eyes and walks away.
TOMMY
It’s nothing, really. You know, it’s just
what we do.
(sotto)
But thanks for saying so.
ON THE SIDELINES, ALBERT, in a coonskin cap and holding an antique
cardboard megaphone, stands on a pedestal. He gets the audience going:
64

ALBERT
Gimme an A!
(“A”!)
Gimme a G!
(“G”!)
Gimme an
Coach Johnson has had it. He storms over, grabs the megaphone, throws
it down and STOMPS ON IT, pleased with himself until he sees Albert
and the fans looking up. He looks up.
A BI-PLANE IS FLYING BY WITH A BANNER: “AGADOR ESTEBAN GUADELOUPE
HIDALGO DE MARIA LORCA, PLAY ON!” Annie comes between Johnson and
Albert just in time. Johnson glares and walks off.
CUT TO:
The Cowboys exit the field after their victory. The Shirt Advice
Seeking Player and a Fence Sitter from the debate go up to Agador and
pat his back. Theron glares at them, but they ignore him.
SHIRT ADVICE SEEKING PLAYER
You did good out there today Agador.
ANGLE ON SOME UNHAPPY PEOPLE. Patrick. Theron. Gibbons. And two
former fence sitters who’ve come down on their side.
THERON
So he can kick. Big deal. I got a
touchdown. I don’t see the fans going
apeshit over me.
The angry Bartholomew grunts in agreement.
GIBBONS
That was a nice touchdown.
THERON
I don’t give a shit, okay? That’s not the
point!
ALBERT is approaching Agador WHEN A WAVE OF MEDIA RUSHES AT THEM.
Albert smiles and is about to hook arms with Agador when THE MEDIA
RUSH WEDGES BETWEEN THEM, PUSHING ALBERT OUT OF THE CIRCLE.
Albert tries to get back in. Agador is buoyed along toward the locker
room. ALBERT IS LEFT BEHIND. He watches longingly as Agador
disappears into the building.
One PHOTOGRAPHER comes up to him.
PHOTOGRAPHER
Hey, you’re...
ALBERT
Albert.
65

PHOTOGRAPHER
Albert! Right! The cheerleading coach.
(Albert perks up)
Is there a place I can get some film around
here, like a concession stand?
Albert deflates.
CUT TO:
Albert, depressed, sitting alone on the empty Cowboys bench. Annie
and three cheerleaders come up to him.
ALBERT
You hated it.
ANNIE
I loved it. The girls loved it.
CINDY THE CHEERLEADER
It’s really fun doing new things.
ANNIE
Cheerleaders all over the country have been
calling me. Everyone saw you on TV.
ALBERT
On TV?
ANNIE
I got a message from a reporter at USA Today
who wants to interview you for the Life
section.
ALBERT
... USA Today. That’s... national.
ANNIE
One thing. Maybe next time it would be a
good idea not to focus entirely on Agador.
Why don’t you work up something
traditional?
ALBERT
I can’t believe it. Oh my! I have so much
to think about, to do... I’m so excited I
could plotz. I love you all!
He kisses them on their cheeks and runs off, a new person.
EXT. AGADOR’S HOUSE – DAY
Patrick pulls up in his Jag. Unseen by him, a disheveled Judy parks
her car and gets out with her dry cleaning. She watches Patrick
dreamily and parallels him from behind some bushes as he walks toward
the house. She notes: HIS CONFIDENT, ATHLETIC STRIDE. HIS FINGERS
66

COMBING THROUGH HIS THICK DARK HAIR. HIS MUSCULAR CHEST as he reaches
up to button a button.
Judy takes a little breath. Then scurries into the house through a
side door as Patrick rings the bell.
JUDY (OC, INSIDE)
Come in! I’m not quite ready!
INT. HOUSE - DAY
He walks in. He hears the shower running. Steam wafts out the open
bedroom door. He looks around, then realizes he has a view through to
the open bathroom door. He pushes the bedroom door a bit for a better
view. Through the billowing steam, against the shower door, he can
just make out the outline of her arms and legs.
SUDDENLY JUDY IS STANDING NEXT TO HIM.
PATRICK
Jesus!
The shower turns off. AGADOR STEPS OUT.
PATRICK
Ahh!
Patrick looks like he’s going to be sick. He turns around. He
wobbles to the couch. He sits. He stands. OC, Agador sings “Do You
Really Want To Hurt Me?” as he dresses.
PATRICK
I You What the hell is going on?!
What’s he doing here?
JUDY
He lives here.
PATRICK
I didn’t know he lived here! I thought it
was you!
JUDY
I gathered that. As long as you’re
confessing, you should probably tell Agador
you were watching him.
Patrick spots Agador walk by the open bedroom door in men’s pants and
shirt, PRACTICING WALKING IN HIS FLAMENCO HEELS.
PATRICK
No! Let’s just... Let’s just go!
EXT. AGADOR AND JUDY’S HOUSE - DAY
Patrick is out the door, three steps ahead of Judy.
67

PATRICK
You could have warned me, you know.
JUDY
Yes, how thoughtless of me. I should have
assumed you would try to see me naked.
PATRICK
I’ve got to think about something else.
Let’s talk about something else.
JUDY
What’s the big deal? If anyone should be
upset, it’s me, though I’m not, since I
decided ahead of time to make allowances
for your extreme brand of maleness. It’s
actually kind of flattering in a
superficial, violating sort of way.
Patrick holds open a door of his Jag for her, then goes around.
PATRICK
How can you be friends with that guy?
JUDY
Agador? What’s wrong with Agador?
PATRICK
What’s wrong with him?
JUDY
... Patrick. You’re a homophobe.
PATRICK
No I’m not. I’m not afraid of them. I
just don’t like them.
They drive off. We hold on the street for a beat. Then another beat.
And another. The Jag comes around the corner and stops in the same
spot. Judy gets out.
PATRICK
Come on, we have to agree on everything
just to date?
ALBERT ARRIVES, catching up to Judy as she walks up the path. HE’S
CARRYING A LARGE PILE OF HEAD SHOTS and a roll of address labels.
ALBERT
Judy, honey, if you have any time I need to
mail these out by tomorrow. My publicist
says, “strike while the iron is hot.”
JUDY
Your publicist?
68

PATRICK sees Albert going in the house and furrows his brow. What the
hell? Do all these guys live together?
INT. BARBERSHOP - DAY
Esteban spots a Limousine pulling up outside.
ESTEBAN
It’s the Princess!
Juan and Rigo stand at attention, smoothing their smocks. The one
Customer stands too. Agador walks in, dressed tastefully in a powder
blue Chanel Floor-Length with a Royal Coat of Arms patch.
AGADOR
I was passing through and I wanted to see
where the maestro works. I hope you don’t
mind.
ESTEBAN
Juan, Rigo. La Princesa Isabella Luisa
Alfonso Victor Maria de Borbon y Borbon.
AGADOR
Please, call me Ithabella.
JUAN
Hello Ithabella.
RIGO
Welcome.
Agador walks through, examining everything. He runs his hands over
his father’s chair and feels the weight of his instruments, as if
trying to absorb his father’s years in this place.
AGADOR
This is a lovely barbershop. You can see
the attention to every detail.
Agador looks at the walls. The sports memorabilia, some cartoons,
pictures of Juan and Rigo with family.
AGADOR
There are no pictures of Catrina?
JUAN
He has many pictures of her at home. Not
that he ever brings them out.
AGADOR
I would love to see them.
INT. ESTEBAN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Alone, Agador is snooping around, looking at the books on the
bookshelves, sitting in different chairs to get their feel. He goes
69

in the bathroom and rummages the cabinet. Esteban walks in with a box
as Agador steps out of the bathroom.
ESTEBAN
Well it isn’t much, but here they are.
They sit next to each other. Esteban opens an album.
AGADOR
She was exquisite.
ESTEBAN
Thank you... Here she is dancing at the
Copa in downtown Guatemala City, and here
at the Opera house... This was the house
we lived in... The program for the ’67
tour.
Esteban flips by a photo of himself hugging an eight-year-old Agador,
who’s holding a soccer trophy.
AGADOR
Who was that?
ESTEBAN
My son, Esteban junior.
AGADOR
What became of him?
ESTEBAN
We lost touch.
AGADOR
But surely, you must want to know
®
HE SHRIEKS as he notices one of his breasts has come loose and is
traveling south. He shores it up with his arm.
ESTEBAN
What is it?
AGADOR
Nothing. I just can’t get over how young
you were. But I, uh, really should not
keep you here all day.
ESTEBAN
(engrossed in photos)
It’s OK.
Agador’s other breast becomes unmoored. He puts his other arm across his
chest to hold it up.
AGADOR
No, really, it isn’t.
70

ESTEBAN
Yes it is. I can’t talk of these things
with my friends. But you understand.
He reaches out for Agador’s arm. Agador gives it to him, shifting his
other arm to hold up both breasts. Esteban pats his arm.
ESTEBAN
I am grateful to you. It is not every
young person who is willing to help an old
man share his memories.
AGADOR
Hm? Yes. Was that a honk? Of course. My
poor driver. The dialysis! I must get him
to the hospital.
ESTEBAN
Oh. I didn’t mean to delay you.
AGADOR
Don’t apologize. I wish I could stay.
He leans to hug Esteban but thinks better of it. He squeezes
Esteban’s arm instead, crosses his arms and hurries out.
INT. COWBOYS LOCKER ROOM - DAY
Three players dress for the game. The Center looks over at Agador.
CENTER
As if playing football wasn’t hard enough,
now I’ve got to worry every time I bend
over to hike the ball.
PLAYER #2
Why don’t you cut the guy some slack
already? He is sixteen for sixteen.
PLAYER #3
What, now you’re turning too?
PLAYER #2
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
That’s the kind of dumbshit attitude
ASSISTANT COACH (OC)
Who did this to Agador’s poster?!
All conversations stop as the Assistant Coach rips a poster off the
wall and swings it around to show everyone. We only catch a glimpse of
the phrase “EQUIPMENT YOU CAN COUNT ON.” PLAYERS LAUGH.
ASSISTANT COACH
It’s not funny, it’s disgusting!
71

INT. TEXAS STADIUM – PRESS BOX – DAY


BOOMER ESSAISON
Sure is a rowdy crowd out there, Al.
TV POV Of DALLAS FANS, faces painted and holding “Go Cowboys!” and
“Maul the Bears!” banners. STRANGELY SUBDUED, THEY LOOK TO THEIR
LEFT. TV CAMERA PANS LEFT.
AN EQUALLY LARGE, BUT WILD AND ROWDY GAY AND LESBIAN CROWD SITS RIGHT
NEXT TO THEM. THEIR BANNER READS: “AWAY: 0 HOMO: 44”
ON THE COWBOY BENCH, Agador holds out a tin of brownies to players
around him. Only Tommy and Shirt Advice Seeking Player take one.
TOMMY
(handing Agador a
brochure)
I hope you don’t mind, but I brought this
from my Church for you.
AGADOR
“The path to change is through reflection
and faith.” That’s so true.
Agador holds the brownie tin out to Bartholomew but he just stares
back without moving a muscle.
THE COWBOYS assume kick-off position, BUT ON THE SIDELINES TWO
COWGIRLS DRESSED AS CENTURIANS SUDDENLY BLOW HERALD HORNS. The
Cowboys stop and turn. The Cowgirls trot out in togas with team
colors and emblems, mount a platform and hold drama masks in front of
their faces: THEY’RE A GREEK CHORUS.
COWGIRL CHORUS
Our fine heroes have come forth to these
Elysian fields of play! But who knows what
capricious winds Poseidon holds in store
for them?
ALBERT STEPS UP, DRESSED AS POSEIDON. The USA TODAY REPORTER stares
at him, slack-jawed.
ALBERT (AS POSEIDON)
I SHALL REWARD THE VIRTUOUS AND CURSE THE
BANEFUL!
COWGIRL CHORUS
Who will win? Who will win?
ALBERT (AS POSEIDON)
SILENCE! Dallas! Dallas will win! Three
cheers for Dallas!
(thumping trident, WITH
CHORUS)
Hoorah! Hoorah! Hoorah!
72

The whole stadium is dumbfounded. The kickoff continues.


INT. PRESS BOX - DAY
AL MICHAELS
Fourth and one for Dallas, a minute forty to
go, the game tied at 16. They’re in field
goal range but it looks like they’re going
for the first down.
ON THE FIELD, the Cowboys huddle.
PATRICK
I talked to DeLong. The Bears want to
trade Jefferies. Maybe we can dump Agador
on them.
TASHJIAN
What the hell is with you Patrick? I’m
starting to think Dave’s right about you.
Why not just give in to it and ask Agador
out.
DAVE
Maybe it’s you Patrick’s in love with.
TASHJIAN
You think he’s trying to make me jealous?
Won’t work, Patrick. I’m a roses and
serenade kind of guy.
Everyone laughs. Except Patrick. He takes a swing at Dave. Tashjian
steps in to stop him, but Theron grabs him. Too hard. Dave belts
Theron who barrels into Gibbons. Suddenly it’s like World War I;
prior allegiances pulling in one player after another. THE MELEE
SPREADS, ENGULFING MOST OF THE TEAM IN AN ALL OUT WAR.
IN THE PRESS BOX, Al and Boomer are speechless for the first time.
IN THE STADIUM, THE FANS are confused. THE BEARS are confused. THE
REFS blow whistles and try to restrain players to no avail.
ON THE SIDELINES, Agador yells to Albert and Judy.
AGADOR
They’re fighting over me! Isn’t it
exciting?
PRESS BOX
BOOMER ESSAISON
This is a team that needs to have it’s
collective head examined.
ON THE FIELD, Coach Johnson wades into the fight, putting a stop to
it. The Refs huddle, leafing the rule book and looking confused.
They throw up their hands. Finally:
73

REFEREE (SIMULTANEOUSLY OVER PA)


For... unsportsmanlike conduct... and delay
of game: 20 yards.
Johnson sends the Offense off, slapping a few helmets as they go.
AL MICHAELS (OC)
Dallas has just self-destructed. They were
in position to clinch the game. Now it’s
fourth and twenty-one at their own forty-
six!
ON THE SIDELINES ALBERT AND THE COWGIRL CHORUS MOUNT THEIR STAGE.
COWGIRLS CHORUS
WOE IS DALLAS! WOE IS DALLAS!
PRESS BOX
BOOMER
Woe indeed. Out of field goal range, Lorca
takes the field to punt. If the Bears
score, that’s the game. Incredible.
ON THE FIELD, Agador takes up PUNTING position.
He looks at the Bears defense. At A HUGE CENTER, who stares back at
him. Agador looks at the goal posts. At Coach Johnson, waiting
impatiently for him to call the play.
THEN HE WINKS AT THE CENTER.
This pisses THE CENTER off. He starts forward involuntarily.
WHISTLE! FLAG DOWN! OFF SIDES!
The Center realizes what just happened. Agador smiles. On the bench,
Dave nudges Tashjian, who nudges the guy next to him.
Everyone moves up five yards. Agador sets up for the punt again. He
scans the Bears, back and forth. He settles.
HE WINKS AND BLOWS A KISS. FLAG DOWN! WHISTLE!! OFF SIDES!!
Dave and Tash laugh. Johnson is mortified. THE FANS CHEER as they
move up another five yards.
AL MICHEALS
What a turnaround! The Cowboys are back in
Lorca field goal range!
With clenched teeth, Johnson nods Theron, Patrick, and the rest of the
special team out to the field. Agador takes up field goal position.
THE COWGIRL CHORUS PUTS ON HAPPY DRAMA MASKS AND RAISE THEIR ARMS.
COWGIRL CHORUS
We are saved! We are saved!
74

Theron sets up as ball handler and calls the play.


THE BALL SAILS THROUGH THE POSTS. GOAL!
Patrick and Theron watch AS A WAVE FANS OUT AROUND THE STADIUM.
COWBOY FANS
We are saved! We are saved!
INT. STADIUM HALLWAY – DAY
Out of earshot, Albert watches as, down the hall, Johnson gestures
angrily and Annie appeases him. The Coach glares at Albert and storms
off. Annie approaches. They walk together.
ANNIE
Albert, when I said traditional I didn’t
mean... classical.
INT. AGADOR AND JUDY’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Albert is engrossed in reading the book “How to be a Cheerleader” as
Judy browses a Sports Illustrated and listens to talk radio and Agador
practices pirouetting and stomping in his heels.
ALBERT
Of course everyone loved the routine, but
Annie is encouraging me to move in a more
modern direction.
AGADOR
Oh, Armand called. He wants you to call
him back again. Cassandra is going to put
on a show and he needs your advice.
ALBERT
That’s wonderful! I’ll have to get him to
send us a poster.
Agador takes a break and studies the Cowboys play book.
AGADOR
I love this game. The friends on the team.
The crowds cheering, the drama. I just
hope we get to go to playtime.
JUDY
Playoffs. It’s playoffs.
ALBERT
You’re worried about them, aren’t you?
AGADOR
They want to win so badly, but I don’t
think they know what they need to do.
Judy stumbles across a photo of Patrick O’Leary. She sneers and turns
the page, then hears something and turns up the radio.
75

CALLER (ON RADIO)


... All I’m saying is: who cares if he’s
gay? I got more important things to think
about. Like how the Raiders are doing.
Thanks Bob. G’bye.
BOB BRINKER (ON RADIO)
Thank you. So far I count 14 “fine with
me” or “who cares” and four against. So
that’s America talking with a dose of
tolerance...
Judy pauses. And flips back to Patrick’s face. She stares at it.
The phone rings. She picks up.
JUDY
Hello? ... What do you want?
INTERCUT WITH PATRICK IN HIS APARTMENT
Pacing with nervous energy, like a caged football player
PATRICK
I have the check for you, for your car
hood, but I lost your address. I thought
maybe we could get together
JUDY
Keep it. I don’t want it.
PATRICK
I want to pay for the damage.
JUDY
You couldn’t help yourself. You are what
you are. I forgive you.
PATRICK
... Can’t we just talk? ... I can’t stop
thinking about you.
JUDY
Try.
She hangs up on him. Patrick stares at the receiver.
INT. DJ ROOM – DAY – HOWARD STERN RANTING INTO A MICROPHONE
HOWARD STERN
Of course he’s gay! Why shouldn’t he be?
He’s a football player! They’re all gay.
These guys hang out together in the men’s
locker room, year after year, watching each
other get naked, pumping iron. These are
handsome guys
76

ROBIN
Howard
HOWARD STERN
Don’t “Howard” me, Robin. You know how I
hate it when you “Howard” me. Now you.
You can “Howard” me anytime.
A WIDE ANGLE REVEALS THAT STERN’S GUEST IS JOE NAMATH.
HOWARD STERN
Broadway Joe Namath. I’m in awe. I am a
huge fan. Now, you’re gay, aren’t you? I
mean you did those panty hose commercials,
right? That was basically an inside joke.
The truth now.
NAMATH
(playing along)
Yes, of course.
HOWARD STERN
Who was the best lay you ever had in the
NFL? Rosie Greer?
NAMATH
Johnny Unitas.
Howard laughs.
INT. COACH JOHNSON’S CAR – MOVING - DAY
Coach Johnson driving. Radio on. Horrified.
HOWARD STERN (OVER RADIO)
You heard it here first, America. Lorca is
the tip of the iceberg. Joe Namath. Gay.
Johnny Unitas. Big Fag.
INT. PENDEGAST’S OFFICE – DAY
Coach Johnson barges into Pendegast’s office, pushing past NANCY THE
SECRETARY and catching Pendegast sneaking out his back door.
COACH JOHNSON
I’ve been calling and calling. Nancy keeps
saying you’re in Paris!
PENDEGAST
That’s right, I, uh... here, I picked this
up for you.
Pendegast grabs a solid gold Eiffel Tower paperweight that was on his
desk the last time the Coach was here and hands it to him. They stare
at each other over this pathetic and obvious lie.
77

PENDEGAST
Okay, sit down... We’re keeping him,
Jerry.
COACH JOHNSON
WHAT?!
PENDEGAST
He’s practically the only one you’ve got
playing out there!
COACH JOHNSON
But you’ve seen what it’s doing to team
morale!
PENDEGAST
Ticket sales are up twelve percent.
Advertisers are cutting each other’s
throats for airtime on just pre-game slots.
There’s even a whole new cheering section.
It’s this “inclusive” business. If you’ve
got a morale problem, coach them on it.
COACH JOHNSON
But... it’s an abomination!
PENDEGAST
Jerry, do us all a favor. Go play
football.
The Coach stands to leave, dismayed. Pendegast motions with his
finger for him to give back the paperweight.
EXT. CATHEDRAL OF HOPE - DAY
Agador leads Tommy up the steps to Agador’s church.
TOMMY
I’m glad we’re doing this.
AGADOR
Me too. I think you’re going to like this
church.
INT. CATHEDRAL OF HOPE UNITARIAN CHUCH - DAY
Agador crosses himself as he enters. Tommy looks around. THE CHOIR
is singing. Tommy smiles. Then notices the PINK CROSSES ON THEIR
CLOTHES. And the WOMAN PASTOR, IN A LAVENDER ROBE. (This is a real
church in Dallas. The largest Gay Church in America.)
Tommy looks again. Most of the couples are the same gender. Two men
hold hands next to him! Most people dress conservatively, but a few
are flamboyantly dressed gay men. TWO OF WHOM APPROACH.
78

AGADOR
Oh, these are my new friends George and
Jonathon. They got married here last week.
You should have seen the cake. It was
beautiful. This is my friend Tommy Biloxi
from the Dallas Cowboys. He’s a Tight End.
JONATHAN
I’ll say.
EXT. CATHEDRAL OF HOPE UNITARIAN CHURCH - DAY
Tommy is shaken as they leave.
TOMMY
Frankly Agador, I was shocked.
AGADOR
I know, there’s no confessional. But you
get used to it.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY
A player listens skeptically to Agador.
AGADOR
It’s one thing to be with her in the house.
How often do you do special things
together, a romantic dinner?
PLAYER
Yeah, maybe. I don’t know.
AGADOR
A woman likes to know her man thinks she’s
worth planning for. Here.
Patrick walks by and watches as Agador gives the player fresh flowers
from a vase in his locker.
AGADOR
Surprise her with these. It will make a
nice beginning.
Patrick shakes his head, THEN SEES TASHJIAN SHOWING TWO SLOVENLY GUYS
HOW TO ORGANIZE THEIR LOCKERS LIKE AGADOR SHOWED HIM.
TASHJIAN
... and because I put these shoes on top,
like this, they’re as clean as the day I
bought them.
PATRICK
Look what’s happening to us! CAN’T ANYONE
ELSE BUT ME SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING TO US?!
79

Everyone stops to look at him. Then goes back to what they were
doing. Patrick looks around for support. THERE’S BARTHOLOMEW.
PATRICK
Bartholomew! Back me up here!
BARTHOLOMEW BRIMS WITH HATE, HIS TEETH CLENCHED.
BARTHOLOMEW
I don’t give a shit if he’s gay. I hate
him ‘cause he’s a kicker. They don’t put
their asses on the line like us, but they
sure as hell get paid like us. Ask me,
Bentley got what was coming to him.
PATRICK
... The whole team is nuts.
EXT. DALLAS ZOO - DAY
Esteban and Agador pass the Lions, Esteban reading poetry aloud.
ESTEBAN
“...embanderado y enlutado,
florido como las estrellas
y sin medida como un beso.”
(AGADOR says the last
line with Esteban)
You know this too? It was her favorite.
After you left I was going through her
things and found it. I hope you won’t be
angry, but the more I thought about it, the
more I knew how perfect Antonio would be
for you.
Esteban buys two bags of peanuts and hands one to Agador.
ESTEBAN
I hope I’m not being too presumptuous, but
I’ve invited him for lunch.
AGADOR
Señor Lorca, no. I’m not ready
ESTEBAN
Here he comes now.
AGADOR
No! I have to leave
Agador turns. And chokes on the peanuts. IT’S ANTONIO BANDERAS
PLAYING THE CHARACTER “ANTONIO”.
EXT. ZOO LUNCH AREA - DAY
The three of them are at a picnic bench eating sandwiches. Esteban
looks on like a proud matchmaker. Agador gushes.
80

AGADOR
That’s amazing. Wonderful.
ANTONIO
No. It’s nothing really.
AGADOR
No, don’t say that. How long have you been
binding books?
ANTONIO
Only a couple of months. I don’t really
know what I’m doing.
Agador’s beeper goes off. He turns it off, ignoring it.
AGADOR
All that gluing. Working the press. It
sounds so interesting.
ANTONIO
(laughs)
It’s just a summer job. I’m a student at
Texas Tech.
AGADOR
A student too? Well my father Uh,
padre, confessor, coach, call him what you
will, he thinks a lot of you.
Esteban smiles. Agador’s beeper sounds. He turns it off again.
ANTONIO
Aren’t you going to answer it?
AGADOR
® (checks it)
Ai! I have to go. I’m late for practice.
ESTEBAN
Late for practice?
AGADOR
Yes. I’m... in the Nut Cracker Suite. I
wanted to surprise you. Are you surprised?
ESTEBAN
... Yes.
AGADOR
I’m glad. Actually, it’s just an audition,
but I’m very hopeful.
He kisses Esteban’s cheek. He smiles shyly at Antonio as they shake.
As Agador walks off he sighs. The one that got away.
81

ESTEBAN
Go ask her for her phone number.
He nudges Antonio, who runs after Agador. When he catches up, he
looks back to see that Esteban is out of earshot.
ANTONIO
You’re a man, aren’t you?
AGADOR
Uh... Yes. Is that a problem?
ANTONIO
Yes! Just what the hell is going on here?!
Esteban has no idea!
AGADOR
... It’s complicated. I can explain, but
please, please, until we can talk, don’t
say anything to him. The last thing I would
do is hurt him.
Antonio looks back at Esteban, the hopeful matchmaker and smiles.
ANTONIO
All right. But I better hear from you.
INT. AGADOR’S ROOM – DAY
Albert helps Agador strip his makeup.
ALBERT
It must have been absolutely terrifying.
AGADOR
I was almost exposed. Right there. In
front of the elephants.
JUDY
(testy)
That’s an image I wish I’d never
experienced. Where exactly did you think
all this was going to lead?
ALBERT
Judy, is something bothering you?
JUDY
No, I would just think that it would be
obvious to him that sooner or later his
father is going to figure out the Princess
is his princess.
AGADOR
That must never happen. It would devastate
him. He would never speak to either of us
again.
82

ALBERT
It’s time for the Princess to say goodbye.
JUDY
No, that was a long time ago.
AGADOR
No. Now we’re close. He trusts me and
will miss me. I will counsel him, get him
talking about his problem with me, and
convince him to turn to family.
JUDY
You the Princess you are going to talk
him into turning to you the Agador you?
ALBERT
The Princess’s departure will be the
perfect opportunity.
AGADOR
Right after we stomp on the Jets at the
Meadowlands.
JUDY
You’re both crazy.
(to Agador)
And you’re pathetic. I have no sympathy
for someone who can’t put their emotions
out there in the open and just deal with
them.
AGADOR
Like your feelings for Patrick.
JUDY
You are such an ass.
AGADOR
You are so pre-menstrual.
JUDY
Patrick has nothing to do with this!
ALBERT
Just do him already and put us all out of
your misery.
She collapses onto the bed, her head in her hands.
JUDY
I disgust myself.
AGADOR
Are you okay, sweetie?
83

JUDY
I’m fine. I’m sorry. So you’ll tell him
the Princess has to go back to Spain.
AGADOR
Catalan. The court needs her.
ALBERT
Palace intrigue.
AGADOR
Yes.
JUDY
And she writes from the old country
ALBERT
Better not. On her return to Spain she
dies
AGADOR
Poisoned by a pretender to the throne.
ALBERT
Yes. No! Returning home, aboard ship, she
dies of Scarlet Fever
AGADOR
Yes! All alone in her cabin. It’s very
sad. You know, like in that episode of
MASH, when Colonel Blake goes home.
JUDY
And then you comfort your father over her
death.
AGADOR
It will be the least I can do.
INT. THE MEADOWLANDS - PRESS ROOM - DAY
JOHN MADDEN
What an exciting game! The Jets and the
Cowboys battle it out the winner takes the
NFL East. There’s the kickoff!
CUT TO:
The second quarter. The Cowboys quarterback throws, but Dave isn’t
where he should be. Incomplete. The quarterback exits the field,
irritated by the crowd’s jeers for his seemingly sloppy pass.
QUARTERBACK
The hell is with you? Can’t you read a
fucking blitz? You went to the wrong spot!
84

DAVE
Here’s an idea: look BEFORE you throw!
PAT SUMMERALL (OC)
What a tragedy watching the Cowboys let
their playoff chances slip through their
fingers.
Agador takes the field.
INT. ESTEBAN’S HOUSE
Esteban is playing poker with Juan, Rigo and a friend PABLO. Juan
listens to the game on a Walkman and deals as Esteban tries to ignore
the squeaky sounds emanating from the earphones.
Juan is shaking his head. Rigo looks at him. Juan tosses a careful
glance at Esteban, then leans over and whispers. Rigo frowns, leans
to Pablo and whispers. Pablo shakes his head.
Testy, Esteban throws down two cards. Juan deals him two. Pablo bets.
Esteban sees him. JUAN PUMPS HIS ARM UP AND DOWN.
RIGO
(whispers)
He made the field goal?
ESTEBAN
Call or fold!
Juan calls. Esteban shows his cards. Apologetically, Juan shows his.
Then rakes in the chips.
INT. THE MEADOWLANDS - LATER
The Cowboys offence is stalled. Once again, the Special Team heads
out. Albert stops Agador, wiping mud off his back and adjusting his
shoulder pads.
AGADOR
Miss Albert, please
ALBERT
Don’t be in such a hurry. Remember, you’re
the star.
Albert adjusts Agador’s helmet strap, then reaches past his face guard
TO SQUEEZE A PIMPLE.
Agador jogs out onto the field and sets up for a field goal. He
watches Tashjian and Tommy arguing at the line.
TASHJIAN
Try to stay on Swanson.
TOMMY
I got him. You just do your job.
85

They’re off balance as the ball is snapped. TWO 300-pound JET


DEFENSIVE LINEMEN PLOW PAST THEM AND PATRICK AND HIT AGADOR WITH
INTENT TO KILL. The Linemen get up. Agador is motionless.
PRESS BOX
JOHN MADDEN
He looks hurt... The team doctor is coming
onto the field now.
IT’S ALBERT, two steps ahead of the medical crew. He bends over
Agador and WAILS, beseeching the heavens and beating his breast.
PAT SUMMERALL
Ooo, that... that doesn’t look good.
Coach Johnson comes out and grabs Albert to pull him off Agador.
Agador rises with a wan smile. He’s okay.
The clock runs out. It’s half time, JETS 19, COWBOYS 0!
INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY
Half time over, the players, miserable, head gloomily back out.
Except Gibbons, Tommy and Tashjian, who are outside the bathroom.
TOMMY
Come on, you’re going to be late!
GIBBONS
Coach is going to whup your ass.
AGADOR (OC, INSIDE BATHROOM)
I’m not going back out there! They’re
trying to hurt me!
More players collect around the door.
DAVE
They’re trying to hurt all of us. That’s
the game. They hurt us. We hurt them.
Whichever team survives the season with the
least injuries wins.
AGADOR (OC)
That’s no way to live. I want three more
guys to protect me! No, four!
TASHJIAN
Agador, please.
AGADOR (OC)
You don’t care about me! None of you care
about me!
DAVE
Of course we care about you.
86

He looks at the other players.


GIBBONS
Sure. We care.
Other players shrug and grunt in agreement.
AGADOR (OC)
What about Patrick? He hates me.
Everyone looks at Patrick.
DAVE
Of course Patrick doesn’t hate you.
AGADOR (OC)
Then why did he let Swanson and Howe up the
middle?
Some of the players look at Patrick, nodding. He’s got a point.
PATRICK
I didn’t let them by! They got by.
GIBBONS
(sotto)
Come on. Tell him you don’t hate him.
Patrick can’t believe Gibbons is saying this. Other players nudge him.
PATRICK
All right, all right.
(with difficulty)
I don’t hate you. Come out of the goddamn
bathroom.
AGADOR (OC)
It doesn’t sound like you mean it.
PATRICK
Agador, I don’t hate you!
AGADOR (OC)
(pause)
But do you love me?
Patrick goes ballistic. His teammates restrain him as he tries to
break down the door. Agador comes out.
AGADOR
Your feelings for me are obviously strong,
whatever they are.
The players share a big laugh. Patrick pulls free and storms off.
Agador looks at his now-smiling teammates, satisfied.
87

AGADOR
Come on boys, let’s play ball.
CUT TO:
The Cowboys are still laughing at Agador’s bathroom antics.
A MONTAGE of the Cowboys in a better mood, and playing in better form.
Dave runs in for a touchdown. The quarterback passes for a gain of
twenty. Tashjian plucks the ball from the air and scores.
Patrick intercepts. The fans cheer. SUDDENLY WE HEAR THE AMPLIFIED
SOUND OF FINGERS SNAPPING. The Cowgirls come out. They’re joined by
a group of FINGER SNAPPING MALE CHEERLEADERS.
Then the pep band starts to play... IT’S WEST SIDE STORY!
The men are handsome, athletic dancers AND VERY FEY! They pick the
Cowgirls up and twirl them. This is expert choreography. THE STADIUM
TV CAMERAS ALL SWING TOWARD THE DANCERS AS ALBERT TAKES CENTER STAGE
AND PLAYS TO THEM. HE’S RIFF, LEADER OF THE GANG.
ALL CHEERLEADERS
(to Jet Song tune)
When you're a Jet,
You're in trouble today
From your first down
To your last dyin' play!
When you're a Cowboy,
You're the top cat in town
You're the gold medal kid
With the heavyweight crown!
The dancers leap, swing, bounce on little trampolines. Judy is
mortified. She’s watching COACH JOHNSON WHO’S FLABBERGASTED BY ALL
THIS PRANCING ABOUT. One guy backflips so close to the bench the
players have to jump out of the way.
ALL CHEERLEADERS
Here come the Jets
Like a gnat on a bell
They get in our way
They won't feel so well
The Cowboys’re in gear
All cylinders are clickin'
The Jets'll steer clear
'Cause every one of ‘ems a lousy chicken
Here come the Cowboys
Yeah, and we're gonna beat
Every last buggin' Jet YEAH!
The Horn section blares at the end, CATCHING A COWBOY’S ATTENTION AS
HE WAS ABOUT TO CATCH A PASS. IT POPS HIM IN THE HEAD.
88

That ends their drive. The offensive team comes off the field.
Johnson smashes his headphone on the ground.
COACH JOHNSON
Lorca! Get out there!
Agador heads out to kick. Albert signals the dancers for the next
number. THE BAND STRIKES UP THE QUINTET FROM WEST SIDE STORY. A
dancer flips off the trampoline and lands in front of Johnson, arms
outstretched, big smile. Johnson pushes the guy over and storms up to
Albert. The Band stops playing.
COACH JOHNSON
YOU! YOU! Maybe I can’t do anything about
him. But you. YOU’RE FIRED!
EXT. STADIUM PARKING LOT - DAY
Albert is pushed out by security guards. They shut the door and he
stands there uncomprehending.
ALBERT
But... but I’m going to be in USA Today.
Dejected, he walks through the parking lot. A CHEER rises from within
the stadium and he casts a forlorn look back.
HE STOPS AT A TAILGATE PARTY. Burgers are flipped. Frisbees flown.
Kegs emptied. Albert nods hello as he stops too close trying to watch
their TV. THEY STARE AT THE ODD INTRUDER.
INT. STADIUM
Phelps (the angry player from earlier) dives to catch a ball, but it’s
off his fingertips and he lands hard. Incomplete. Wilson walks up...
and gives him a helpful hand up.
PHELPS
Did you really tell Dave I was the best
full back you’ve ever played with?
WILSON
I just said you were better than him. You’re
okay. Just catch the fucking ball next time.
They smile at each other. The board reads 2 minutes into the 4th:
Cowboys 12 Jets 19.
PARKING LOT
The Tailgate party. Girls dance and sun themselves in bikinis. Pot-
bellied guys knock back beers. ONE SITS LISTENING ATTENTIVELY TO
ALBERT, WHO’S SEATED NEXT TO HIM IN FRONT OF THE TV.
89

ALBERT
He knew nothing about football. Now I
can’t take credit for everything, he
certainly had an aptitude, but I taught him
how to be a performer.
KEN
That’s important. Oh, here comes Ned. Tell
Ned about how Agador used to iron your
pants.
ALBERT
Do you have a Perrier?
KEN
(fishes around cooler)
How ‘bout a Coke?
ALBERT
Diet?
KEN
Yup.
ALBERT
Sure.
ON THE TV, a group of fans can be heard chanting, “Ag Adore! Ag
Adore!” Albert looks as the TV camera focuses on Agador. Albert
tears up. Ken hands him a handkerchief.
INSIDE THE STADIUM
The Cowboys look sick as Johnson paces nervously.
THE SCOREBOARD: COWBOYS: 21. JETS: 23. 6 seconds left.
PRESS BOX
BOOMER
What a comeback! After limping through the
season, the Cowboys are just three points
away from the playoffs. With only six
seconds left they’re pinning their post-
season hopes on one man.
ON THE FIELD, Agador shakes his legs. Crosses himself.
IN THE STANDS, There’s a section of Cowboy fans holding signs: “WE
LOVE YOU AG!” “AG-ADORE, 34 FOR 34!!!”
THE BALL is snapped. Agador runs and kicks THUD! The ball goes up
and seems to hang forever and... it’s going to fall short! BUT
INSTEAD IT SQUEAKS OVER. The score changes from 21 to 24. The clock
zeros out.
90

BOOMER
He did it! He did it! THE COWBOYS ARE IN
THE PLAYOFFS!
The Cowboy fans erupt. The Cowboys run out to the field and... shake
Agador’s hand. A few pat him on the back and one or two venture a
hug. In expectation of something more, the Cowboy fans’ cheers settle
into rhythmic clapping. Agador turns to them.
AND BOWS LIKE A MATADOR. THEY GO WILD.
INT. BUSY HOBOKEN BAR - DAY
WAITERS arrive with beers for a dozen boisterous Cowboys celebrating
their win. Agador points to a guy at the bar.
TASHJIAN
Him? No. You can’t tell from that guy.
AGADOR
Look closely. The manicured moustache.
The way his hand rests on the bar... Him,
too.
He points to a ROUGH-LOOKING GUY chatting up a woman at the bar.
PLAYER #1
No fucking way. Not that guy.
Then we see the person he’s chatting up is JUDY.
AGADOR
He’s three months from realizing it. Four,
tops.
The guys shake their heads. He’s lost them. He points to a woman
coming in from the cold, hidden inside a coat, hat and gloves.
AGADOR
Lesbian.
DAVE
Oh, come on! This is ridiculous.
She takes off her coat and she’s gorgeous. Very feminine. The
players exchange a smug look. THEN SHE GIVES HER GIRLFRIEND A BIG
KISS. Agador takes a triumphant sip from his beer.
PLAYER #2
How do you... ?
AGADOR
Gaydar.
They all nod significantly. But they’re disturbed.
91

PLAYER #1
I never realized how many people all around
us at any given moment are gay.
DAVE
Well, ten percent does generally mean one
out of every ten people.
GIBBONS
Not in football.
AGADOR
Oh no? Why do you think they call them the
‘Packers’?
IN A BOOTH, alone, A TIPSY ALBERT nurses a daiquiri. Agador comes up.
AGADOR
Miss Albert, please, come sit with us.
ALBERT
Was I so wrong to want to bring some fun, a
little Broadway, to football?
AGADOR
You were brilliant.
ALBERT
Sweet, innocent Agador. It’s only a matter
of time before fame chews you up and spits
you out. But don’t worry, when it happens,
I’ll be there to catch you.
AGADOR
That’s good.
DOWN THE BAR, JUDY IS BORED with the Rough-Looking Guy. She looks
around, but doesn’t see who she’s looking for. Because he’s:
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Patrick and Cindy (the cheerleader) are making out. Sounds of
celebration resound through the halls outside. Patrick pulls back.
CINDY
What?
PATRICK
Nothing.
They start kissing again. She takes her top off. Patrick stops.
PATRICK
I’m sorry. I can’t. It’s not you. I think
you’re very beautiful.
Cindy puts her top back on and giggles quietly to herself.
92

PATRICK
What?
CINDY
Nothing. You don’t have to prove anything
to me. And don’t worry, I won’t add to the
rumor mill.
PATRICK
Rumor...? Cindy, I am not gay!
CINDY
Whoa. Hey. You don’t have to be so
sensitive about it. I don’t care.
(conspiratorially)
And I think the sensitive thing is what
gives you away. Among other things.
(giggles)
PATRICK
That is not what this is! There’s a woman
I’m thinking about. She’s got me all
fucked up in the head.
CINDY
Agador? It’s okay. I think he’s cute
PATRICK
No! A woman! I told you, I’m not gay!
Cindy shrugs and picks up her cardigan. He grabs the cardigan and
tosses it down.
PATRICK
Take your shirt off! Please.
He rips off his own shirt. She takes her top off. They kiss. He
pulls her onto the bed, turns off the light. We hear them making out.
AND THEN CINDY GIGGLES. She turns on the light and sits up.
PATRICK
It’s her, I swear! She’s cursed me.
CINDY
I’m not the one who has a problem with
this. You have to learn to accept
yourself.
PATRICK
(throws up hands)
Fine. I’ll... see you at practice.
INT. AGADOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT

ON THE WALL IS A POSTER FROM THE BIRDCAGE: “CASSANDRA... The One


Armed Bandit!” A “HELD OVER” STICKER IS SLAPPED ACROSS THE BOTTOM.
93

Albert is pacing, upset.


CLOSE ON AN INVITATION TO A TRIBUTE FOR JOHNNY UNITAS. AGADOR is in a
tux, adjusting his cufflinks. There. He looks great.
ALBERT
When are you going to realize football is
not for you. They don’t care about Agador
the human being. The artist. It’s a
corrupt, scabrous enterprise. You’re just a
meat puppet to them. It’s all about “win,
win, win.”
(looks at poster)
This thing is a monstrosity!
He grabs the poster and throws it into a closet.
AGADOR
You’re right, you’re absolutely right.
They’re all a bunch of Philippines.
ALBERT
Do you have to go right now? I could run a
bubble bath and make some finger
sandwiches.
AGADOR
I’m late. We can do something tomorrow.
Oh, I have practice. Maybe after.
He kisses Albert’s cheek and leaves him alone.
INT. 7-ELEVEN - DAY
Esteban is here buying a quart of milk. Passing the magazine rack,
his eyes focus on THE COVER OF TIME MAGAZINE. It’s the classic photo
of a cheerleader held across the arms of a few football players. BUT
INSTEAD OF A CHEERLEADER, IT’S AGADOR! WITH POM-POMS!
Esteban averts his eyes, only to see THE SAME PICTURE ON THE COVER OF
NEWSWEEK! AND PEOPLE! AND SPORTS ILLUSTRATED!
Then he spots THE ADVOCATE. BUT ON THAT COVER AGADOR IS KICKING A
BALL, HIS LEG EXTENDED, A CLASSIC SPORTS SHOT. Esteban can’t take it.
He leaves the milk and walks out.
EXT. ESTEBAN’S HOUSE – DAY
Esteban is coming home when he sees the Princess waiting. Agador
signals his CHAUFFEUR, who “accidentally” drops A TICKET FOLDER WITH A
CRUISE SHIP LOGO and opens the back to put a jacket inside, revealing
A STEAMER TRUNK. Esteban picks up the tickets.
ESTEBAN
Princess... What’s this?
94

AGADOR
I regret I must return to Spain. A
terrible injustice has been done to my
cousin, the dwarf prince of Granada.
ESTEBAN
To Spain? For how long?
AGADOR
Forever, I’m afraid.
ESTEBAN
You’re going? I can’t believe it.
AGADOR
It was a surprise to us all. Just as the
flag was raised for the bull run
ESTEBAN
I thought... I just assumed you were living
here now.
Agador sees the shock and sadness in his father’s face.
AGADOR
The Princess will miss you, too. I still
have some time before my ship sails. I
thought we could spend it together.
Esteban nods and they walk toward his front door AS A REPORTER AND
CREW THRUSTS A MICROPHONE IN ESTEBAN’S FACE.
REPORTER
Sir, are you Esteban Lorca, the father of
Agador Lorca, the gay place kicker?
ESTEBAN
What? I Excuse me.
He tries to go by with Agador, but the Reporter blocks them.
REPORTER
Did children make fun of him growing up
because he was different?
Esteban tries to go by the other way, but the CREW blocks them.
AGADOR
Look, he doesn’t want to talk to you.
REPORTER
(to Esteban)
You yourself are quite a snappy dresser.
ESTEBAN
What do you mean?
95

REPORTER
You’re a hair stylist, isn’t that right?
ESTEBAN
I’m a barber!
REPORTER
But you’re no longer married.
(pushes Agador)
You’re blocking the shot
(to Esteban)
Do you feel in any way responsible for your
son’s sexual
AGADOR
He said he doesn’t want to talk to you!
Agador grabs the Reporter by the collar. The Reporter is surprised by
the force of this woman and struggles to get loose, accidentally
knocking Agador in the face with his clipboard.
CREWMEMBER
Oo! Miss, are you Oka ?
AGADOR PUNCHES THE REPORTER, who reels into the Crewmember, then the
others. They stare at him in shock.
INT. ESTEBAN’S HOUSE - DAY
Agador comes out of the kitchen with ice wrapped in a towel pressed to
his lip. Esteban is pacing furiously.
AGADOR
I don’t know what came over me. I saw a
lot of Westerns growing up
ESTEBAN
My son. He, he, parades around like a
rooster in front of his country! I cannot
escape. At the newsstand. The grocery
store. The doctor’s office. And now at my
own home!
AGADOR
I’m sure he never meant to cause you pain.
ESTEBAN
When it first came out it was always,
“don’t blame yourself.” But who should I
blame? All I wanted was a son I could be
proud of.
Tears well up in Agador’s eyes. He turns away. Esteban picks up a
newly framed photo of Catrina.
96

ESTEBAN
He was our only son. We had such dreams.
All the way to his wedding... a daughter-
in-law... a grandson to carry our name... I
made peace with it all but now my peace is
destroyed...
Agador wipes his tears with the towel, gaining control of himself.
Above his lip there’s blood, and bare skin where his makeup was.
ESTEBAN
You’re bleeding. Hold on.
Esteban goes and comes back with iodine and swabs. As Esteban goes to
clean the cut he’s taken aback by the hair above Agador’s lip.
AGADOR
Oh, uh, I’ve always had this. My friends
say I look like Frida Kahlo.
Agador takes the swab and applies it himself. He steels himself to
confront the situation.
AGADOR
... So then I guess you haven’t heard the
news about your son?
ESTEBAN
Please, no more news.
AGADOR
He’s quitting the game. Your son is
leaving football.
ESTEBAN
Really? Are you sure?
AGADOR
Yes. It seems he never really wanted to
play. He’s returning to a quiet life.
ESTEBAN
If only you’re right... Are you crying?
AGADOR
It’s the iodine. It stings.
EXT. ESTEBAN’S HOUSE – FRONT DOOR – DAY
Esteban and Agador appreciate each other in silence. Esteban hugs the
Princess. Agador hugs him back, wiping away tears.
ESTEBAN
You never know. One of these days I might
just show up on your doorstep.
97

AGADOR
I’d like that.
Agador starts off. THEN COUGHS. Esteban is concerned.
AGADOR
It’s just a cough. I’ve been red and
running a fever, but I’m sure it’s nothing.
INT. LOCKER ROOM – DAY
As the Cowboys gear up for the game, THEY WATCH LUNTZ CLEAN OUT
AGADOR’S LOCKER, yanking out a couple of Princess Isabella dresses.
GIBBONS
What’s going on?
DAVE
Agador left a message. He quit.
GIBBONS
He’s under contract. He can’t quit.
DAVE
Tell him that. If they find him.
PLAYER
(passing Luntz)
Can I have his milk crate?
INT. 3COM PARK, SAN FRANCISCO - DAY
Pouring rain has turned the field to mush. Dallas is down 16-10.
“RAGING BULL” SLOW MOTION CLOSE UPS AND DISTORTED GRUNTS AS BODIES
CONNECT WITH BODIES AND THE HARD, WET GROUND. DAVE IS HIT BY TWO
TACKLES AND FALLS – JUST INSIDE THE END ZONE. TOUCHDOWN!
JOHN MADDEN
Another last minute victory for the come
back Cowboys! Ralston takes the field for
the extra-point...
Ralston kicks. It’s wide!
PAT SUMMERAL (OC)
I can’t believe it! He missed! The game
goes into overtime! It’s hard to imagine
Agador Lorca missing that kick! Tough
break for the Cowboys.
ON THE COWBOYS BENCH, Johnson and the Cowboys look sick.
CUT TO:
The rain pours through ten BONE CRUNCHING PLAYS. THE COWBOYS ARE
BRUTALIZED like we’ve never seen. One player doesn’t get up. Johnson
trots out, then waves for the Doctor.
98

ON THE SIDELINES, Dave and Patrick shake their heads as the injured
player is brought out on a stretcher.
CUT TO:
Cowboys tackles try to push, pummel, and claw their way to San
Francisco’s quarterback. Gibbons sacks him. He fumbles! Tashjian
recovers, runs up the side and it’s TOUCHDOWN COWBOYS! Finally.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY
The Cowboys have won, but to look at most of them you wouldn’t know
it. Beat-up players limp to their lockers. Patrick and Tommy sit,
shell-shocked and relieved. An ESPN CREW focuses on Johnson:
ESPN NEWS GUY
Do you think the loss of Lorca will pose a
problem when you face the Steelers in the
Super Bowl?
COACH JOHNSON
This team’s performance as a whole
demonstrates that no single player is
irreplaceable.
The Coach’s words make nearby players resentful.
INT. REHAB/RECOVERY ROOM - DAY
War ravaged players are having injuries examined, taped, massaged and
soaked. Patrick is immersed in the Whirlpool, Gibbons across from
him. A Doctor wraps Tommy’s hand. Dave ices a kneecap.
Patrick’s eyes meet Gibbons’s. He looks away, only to lock eyes with
Tommy. Tommy and Gibbons share a look.
Patrick looks at Dave. Dave is looking back.
INT. AGADOR AND JUDY’S HOUSE – DAY
Judy is putting things in a box. There’s a knock. She opens the door.
Dave, Tommy and Gibbons are there. Then Patrick steps up.
JUDY
What the hell are you doing here?
DAVE
We’re looking for Agador.
JUDY
He’s gone.
TOMMY
When will he be back?
99

JUDY
Guys, he’s not coming back. He took his
parrots and left.
She opens the door wide. Moving boxes are everywhere. Albert’s room
is empty, too.
PATRICK
We need to talk to him. We want him to
come back to the team.
JUDY
(to Patrick)
I thought you didn’t want him on the team.
PATRICK
I didn’t want him to be a homo. I need him
on the team.
Gibbons hits Patrick’s shoulder. Patrick pushes back. There’s some
testosterone jostling. Judy rolls her eyes. Dave steps in to keep
them apart.
DAVE
Could you just tell us where he is?
GIBBONS
Jacobson tore a hamstring. Phelps
fractured his collar bone. With Agador we
don’t have to move the ball as far down
field.
JUDY
Believe me, the last thing he wants is to
play football.
PATRICK
Leaving like this, it’s crazy. It’s a
selfish thing to do.
JUDY
Is it? How do you know? You haven’t even
asked why he left.
PATRICK
Okay, I’ll bite. Why?
JUDY
You’ll have to ask him.
PATRICK
How can I if you won’t tell us where he
is?!
100

JUDY
Don’t raise your voice at me. Do I look
like a megaphone? You come here to brow
beat him into playing for you so you can
win and you accuse him of being selfish?
PATRICK
Excuse me, but, you know, we are athletes.
This is what we do. What we’ve trained our
whole lives to do. You said it before.
It’ll be over for me soon. For a lot of
us, this could be our last chance to win a
Super Bowl. But right now, we’re the best
and Agador is one of us. Maybe the greatest
kicker in the history of the sport.
TOMMY
It’s a god-given ability.
DAVE
It would be a shame if he walked away from
it.
PATRICK
We’re talking about playing in the Super
Bowl. The Super Bowl.
JUDY
What if he doesn’t want to play?
They look at her, uncomprehendingly. She considers them.
JUDY
Okay. I’ll help you find him. But if he
says no, you leave it at that.
EXT. DADE COUNTY INTL. AIRPORT – DAY
You know the routine: Plane touches down, skidding tires, burning
rubber. Oh, look, a palm tree.
EXT. HOTEL – DAY – JUDY AND THE PLAYERS WALKING DOWN THE STREET
Agador’s home turf. The players gaze at the uninhibited cornucopia of
bare flesh that is the pride and joy of South Beach. They ogle BIKINI-
CLAD WOMEN walking, skating and jogging by. AN EXTRAVAGANT QUEEN
stops by Dave, who wears a ten gallon hat.
QUEEN
You free tonight, Cowboy?
DAVE
WHAT?! No!
He moves away. As they enter the hotel behind Judy, the Cowboys all
toss their ten gallon hats in a trash can.
101

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT


Gibbons and Dave play cards. Tommy compares his Bible to the Gideon
version. Patrick watches Judy, who’s on the phone.
JUDY
Call me if you hear anything, Kirk, but
tonight ‘cause the game’s tomorrow ... The
Super Bowl... It’s a football game...
(hangs up, it rings)
Hello?... Cece!
EXT. THE BIRDCAGE - NIGHT
The line to get in stretches around the corner, ALL DRAG QUEENS.
Except for Gibbons, Tommy, Dave and Patrick, who posture as
masculinely as possible, making them even more the focus of the
Queens’ stares. CECE AND JUDY ARRIVE TOGETHER, DRESSED TO THE NINES.
PATRICK
(to Judy)
Where the hell have you been?
CECE
You don’t want a girl to rush when she’s
trying to look beautiful, do you? Hi, I’m
Cece.
TOMMY
Oh, hey. You called the locker room once.
We spoke.
The guys look the attractive Cece up and down, unsure. Cece pulls out
a cigarette in a cigarette holder. Tommy gallantly lights it as Cece
bats his eyes at him.
CECE
I hope you know how to dance white boy.
MAITRE D’
(stopping them)
I’m sorry. It’s Saturday gentleman.
Ladies Only night.
He motions the Queens from behind them to pass.
CECE
Bobbi, these are my friends.
MAITRE D’
I don’t care if they’re the goddamn Miami
Dolphins, they’re not coming in looking
like that.
All four Cowboys get right in the Maitre d’s face.
102

PATRICK
We have to get in there.
MAITRE D’
(pulls a cell phone)
Am I going to have to call a policeman?
INT. BIRDCAGE - NIGHT
CROWDED. DANCING. DRINKING. Agador sits alone at a table in the back
sadly nursing a drink, the only one in the place not wearing a dress.
Armand squeezes his shoulder consolingly and Agador pats his hand in
an “I’ll be fine” manner. Armand leaves him to be alone.
BACKSTAGE
Albert is a nervous odd man out amidst the hustle and bustle of show
preparations. He peeks out at Agador as Armand steps backstage.
ALBERT
(concerned)
It’s hard for Agador right now, but it’s
for the best.
ARMAND
Are you okay?
ALBERT
I feel so out of place. I keep saying and
doing the wrong thing. I saw Cassandra and
I tried to shake her hand.
ARMAND
You’re just nervous being back. Give it a
day. Have you been in the club yet?
ALBERT
Go out there? No. I can’t.
ARMAND
Sit with the audience and watch the show.
ALBERT
Do you think I should?
ARMAND
I know you should.
Albert looks nervously through the curtains at THE CROWD in the club,
sitting and milling about. He takes a breath and steps through.
Nearby fans react to seeing him, ADLIBBING HOW MUCH THEY MISSED HIM
AND HOW HAPPY THEY ARE HE’S BACK. ARMAND WATCHES AFFECTIONATELY FROM
BACKSTAGE.

ALBERT
Thank you. Thank you. You’re so sweet.
103

FAN
When are you going to put on a show for us
Albert? Sing us a song!
His fans take up the call for him to sing.
ALBERT
No, no, I couldn’t possibly. I have
nothing prepared. You are all so
incredibly wonderful, but I just can’t.
EXT. BIRDCAGE – NIGHT
PATRICK, DAVE, TOMMY AND GIBBONS RETURN IN MAKESHIFT DRESSES, WIGS AND
MAKEUP. The huge Gibbons’s dress is patched together from three
different dresses. As they approach the door, Tommy adjusts his
stockings and Patrick pulls his dress out from his ass.
DAVE
You should check out this month’s Cosmo,
Gib. There’s an amazing high-protein low-
carb diet that will have you fitting into
that in no time.
GIBBONS
You’re not exactly Kate Moss.
PATRICK
If we don’t win the Super Bowl I’m going to
kill that son-of-a-bitch.
JUDY
Just ask why you want Agador back. Whatever
you do, don’t ask him why he left.
PATRICK
But you said to ask him.
JUDY
Do you want to fight? Is that what this is
about? Agador is a very sensitive person.
The Maitre d’ puts up his hand to stop them at the door.
MAITRE D’
I’m sorry, I can’t let you in.
DAVE
What?!
MAITRE D’
You’re the ugliest women I’ve ever seen.
You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s
ear.
DAVE
But But that’s discrimination!
104

MAITRE D’
That’s right. I’m very discriminating.
A GROUP OF QUEENS goes in, giving Bobbi pecks on the cheek. This is
too much. Patrick lifts the Maitre d’ against the wall with one
mighty arm. The Maitre d’ whips out his phone. Gibbons grabs it.
The Maitre d’ surveys his situation.
MAITRE D’
OK, OK. You can go in. But take some
advice. Shave the forearms.
INT. BIRDCAGE – NIGHT
They walk in. FROM BACKSTAGE, ALBERT NOTICES THE PLAYERS. HE’S NOT
HAPPY TO SEE THEM. Cece and Judy stop to talk to someone. The
Cowboys don’t notice. They walk gingerly through the dense crowd and
are swallowed up.
DAVE
Where the hell are Cece and Judy?
Alone, panicked, the players retreat to the bar. They lean on it,
tough-guy-like.
PATRICK
Bourbon. Neat. With beer chasers.
Tommy notices a WOMAN looking at him, laughing. He blushes.
WOMAN
Pretty crazy scene, huh? You don’t
normally...?
TOMMY
We’re just looking for a friend.
She nods, understanding. Dave nudges the others. There’s Agador.
They follow Dave, coming up behind him. Agador turns. He’s shocked.
PATRICK
We’re here to bring you back.
TOMMY
We need you to play.
GIBBONS
Phelps broke his collarbone.
AGADOR
... Is he alright?
105

PATRICK
He’s not concerned about himself. If he had
another collarbone he’d gladly break it
himself if it meant we could win the Super
Bowl. Why? ‘Cause he’s a dedicated team
player.
AGADOR
I can’t come back. I’m sorry. I wish I
could, but I can’t.
PATRICK
Why not, for Christ’s sake?!
Hearing that, Agador bursts out crying. Judy comes up.
JUDY
What did you say?! You didn’t ask ?
PATRICK
No, no. We just told him about Phelps’s
collarbone.
(pats Agador)
It’s alright. He’ll be alright.
DAVE
Wait a minute. It’s Ladies Only night.
How come he’s not dressed like a woman?
ARMAND is suddenly there, rubbing Agador’s back.
ARMAND
Because he knows the owner and he can do
whatever he wants. Armand.
(shakes hands)
I heard you were here. Any friend of
Agador’s is a friend of the Birdcage.
You’re my guests, so just relax and feel at
home in the knowledge that here a person’s
privacy is sacrosanct.
(to WAITER)
The check comes to me
RUBY RED LIPS speak softly, seductively into a microphone.
RUBY RED LIPS
Ladies and Gentlemen... I’d like to sing
this song for some new ladies in the
house... The Dallas Cowboys!
THREE SPOTLIGHTS ILLUMINATE THE COWBOYS LIKE DEER IN HEADLIGHTS.
Another spot hits the singer. IT’S ALBERT, AS CHANTEUSE, BLACK DRESS
ENHANCED WITH CABERET HAT, BOA AND LIPSTICK. THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
WILDLY FOR ALBERT AND STANDS EN MASSE. Albert soaks it all in. Blows
kisses.
106

ALBERT
No, no, this is just too much. Thank you.
Thank you so much... Stop already!
(applause dies down)
It’s funny how sometimes you don’t realize
what’s really important to you until you
leave it behind. And now that I’m back I
know how important you all are to me. I’ll
never leave home again. Oh, you were
there. And you were there too, Auntie Em.
(audience laughs, to
Agador)
It’s so good to be home, isn’t it? We
didn’t belong there.
Albert glares at the Cowboys, who are still frozen in the spotlight
then signals the music to start. The spot follows him as he descends
and walks toward Agador going all out with “Come Rain or Come Shine.”
As he crosses the floor, the adoring audience sings with him. People
reach out for his hand. A FAN GIVES HIM FLOWERS. Albert croons to
Agador who’s sitting amidst THE SPOTLIGHTED PLAYERS.
ALBERT
... I’m going to love you like nobody loves
you, come rain or come shine...
At the table, he sings to the players, embarrassing them. HE SITS IN
GIBBONS’S LAP, KISSES TOMMY’S CHEEK AND GRABS PATRICK’S HAND.
ARMAND
(hisses)
Albert, this is unseemly. Even for you.
The song perks Agador up. He joins in on the microphone.
AGADOR AND ALBERT
... Days may be cloudy or sunny. We’re in
or we’re out of the money. I’m with you
always. I’m with you rain or shine!
The song ends to huge applause. Albert enjoys the adulation, but the
final words brought Agador back to his thoughts. He moves over a
table and cries again. ALBERT YELPS AS ARMAND YANKS HIM AWAY. The
players recover as best they can and watch Agador cry.
DAVE
We’ve got to cheer him up. Then we get him
talking about whatever it is, and convince
him it shouldn’t keep him from the game.
PATRICK
And we’ll get him drunk, so even if he
doesn’t talk to us, by the time he wakes up
he’ll already be on the plane.
107

The club segues into a Donna Summer Drag Show. The place shifts into
high-gear, everyone getting up to dance.
DAVE
Come on. Time to cheer him up.
Dave offers Agador his arm. Agador stifles a sniffle, smiles, and
takes it. Dave motions for the others to join. Tommy looks around
and catches the eye of the Woman at the bar. She nods and rises.
Patrick turns to Judy, but she turns to a grateful Gibbons.
JUDY
Care to dance?
They leave Patrick alone. Men in dresses watch him with interest.
PATRICK
Hey! Wait! You can’t leave me here!
TALL BLONDE
Hi. Would you like to take a spin?
PATRICK
Uh, no. Thanks. I like to watch.
The Tall Blonde shrugs and sits with him. A BRUNETTE sidles up.
BRUNETTE
Would you like to dance?
TALL BLONDE
(catty)
He wants to watch.
BRUNETTE
I can watch.
The Brunette sits on the other side of him.
ON THE DANCE FLOOR, Agador the man, and Dave the woman, get into the
beat. Tommy and the Woman dance next to them. A near-panicked
Patrick retreats to the bar, three TRANSVESTITES dogging him.
REDHEAD
Come on. There’s a reason why they call it
a dance club.
They box him against the bar, tugging at him. Judy steps in.
JUDY
Hey, “no” means no. Leave him alone.
The Transvestites back off.
PATRICK
Thanks. You really saved me.
108

She yanks him out onto the dance floor.


CUT TO:
A DJ spinning “Sexy Thing,” cranked way up. Dave and Agador and Cece
dance together. Gibbons dances wildly, drink in hand, three
satellites of various sexuality dancing around him. Both tipsy, Judy
and Patrick dance.
JUDY
I think it takes a real man to be so sure
of his own masculinity that he can wear
cabbage rose chinz.
PATRICK
Yeah... well...
They’re pushed together by other dancers. She looks into his eyes.
JUDY
... Your eyes are the deepest blue. And
your lashes. I’d say they’re wasted on a
man, but look at you.
PATRICK
(uncomfortable)
Thanks.
He can’t help but be aroused by her interest. Judy pulls him close
for a bump and grind.
PATRICK
You always take charge. Never a moment of
indecision. I love that.
She twirls him in a circle. A slow song comes on. Judy leads. They
pass Tommy and the Woman, also dancing close.
JUDY
Hey Kirk.
WOMAN
Hey.
Tommy pauses, nonplussed.
CUT TO:
THE CAMERA, tipsy along with them, swirls around as they dance like
mad to “Last Chance.” ARMAND AND ALBERT ARE DANCING TOO. They get
half the disco into a dance train, everyone shaking their booties.
Judy and Patrick are forced against each other. They look in each
other’s eyes. And kiss. The song ends. HARSH HOUSE LIGHTS COME UP.
Suddenly self-conscious, they separate and look at each other.
109

JUDY
This can never work.
She walks out of the club. He watches her go.
EXT. BIRDCAGE - NIGHT
Agador, Dave and Gibbons stumble out of the bar. Tommy and Kirk are
already outside, Kirk writing on a scrap of paper.
KIRK (WOMAN)
If I’m not there, you be sure to leave me a
message.
He sashays off, glancing back flirtatiously at a confused Tommy.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
The Cowboys and Agador stumble along a deserted sidewalk singing
Queen’s “We Are the Champions.” A pensive Patrick stumbles along, not
singing.
ALL TOGETHER (EXCEPT PATRICK)
We will... We will... ROCK YOU!...
Agador sings the Freddy Mercury part; the team is chorus.
AGADOR
I can’t believe you guys know this!
Six PUNKS in a ’78 Impala spot our “ladies” from behind.
PUNK #1
Get off the streets, ya fairies!!
The Cowboys flip them off. The Punks slam on the brakes and pile out
of the car. The Cowboys stop and turn. The Punks are big. So big
they’re almost half the size of the Cowboys.
DAVE
You picked the wrong bunch of dames to mess
with.
A short battle ensues in which the Punks are pushed around and knocked
to the ground. Gibbons deposits a punk into a dumpster, then spikes
the guy’s shoe in triumph.
A POLICE CRUISER BLEEPS ITS SIREN AND FLASHES ITS LIGHT. Off the
Cowboys horrified looks
INT. POLICE HOLDING CELL – NIGHT
Patrick, Tommy and Dave sit, hangdog, by Agador.
PATRICK
If this gets out, we’re ruined.
110

TOMMY
My daddy’s gonna kill me.
AGADOR
It’s not as bad as it seems. The vast
majority of cross-dressers are actually
straight. They just enjoy wearing women’s
clothing.
PATRICK
Yeah. Great. We’ll just explain that to
everybody.
Outside their cell Gibbons is finishing his fingerprinting.
FINGERPRINT SERGEANT
I used to really look up to you guys. Is
the whole team gay?
GIBBONS
I don’t know sarge. Why don’t you ask us
the next time we come to town to whup
Miami?
(put into cell)
I talked to Pendegast. We’ll be out soon.
And he spoke with the Captain and thinks he
can keep it quiet.
PATRICK
That would be great.
AGADOR
Why didn’t you tell the sergeant you’re not
gay?
GIBBONS
He said it like there was something wrong
with it.
Gibbons sits. Dave looks at Agador.
DAVE
Agador, what’s the story? Why don’t you
want to play football?
Agador looks at the players in their dresses. And at the punks in the
other cell, nursing their wounds. Then at his bare feet.
AGADOR
My father always said you could judge a man
by his shoes. When I was twelve and I knew
I was gay, I was afraid he would figure it
out, so I stopped wearing them. He figured
it out anyway when I was sixteen. We
haven’t spoken since.
The players don’t know what to say.
111

AGADOR
I was a terrible embarrassment to him. I
still am. He’s a very private man. A big
fan of you guys... It was time to give him
back his peace.
PATRICK
No. That is just wrong. I can see how he
could have problems. But he has to accept
you. He’s your father. That’s his job.
If he doesn’t, he‘s failed. And, and you
just have to move on.
AGADOR
I only played football to get closer to
him. What I really want is to be a dancer
like my mother.
PATRICK
You can’t tell me you weren’t having fun
playing. I saw you
DAVE
Patrick.
(to Agador)
It’s okay. You gotta do what you gotta do.
We understand.
Tommy and Gibbons are nodding.
DAVE
We’re going to miss you, though. You were
fun to have around.
TOMMY
The way you looked after us and stuff. And
remembered our birthdays.
GIBBONS
Patrick and I played together 3 years in
high school, four at Michigan, two in
Philly and three in Dallas. He never once
remembered my birthday.
AGADOR
Thanks for understanding.
The three players shrug.
PATRICK
I think it’s a bonehead move. But I guess
I can’t make you play.
(pause)
December fifth?
112

GIBBONS
The eighteenth.
EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY
Agador and the Cowboys exit, free men. More or less. They turn to
each other to say their good-byes. BUT THERE’S A MEDIA AMBUSH. ESPN
CREWS AND PHOTOGRAPHERS MOB THEM. A COWBOYS TEAM REP PULLS THE
PLAYERS AWAY AND INTO A WAITING LIMO. ARMAND AND ALBERT are here too.
They grab Agador and spirit him into their car.
INT. ARMAND AND ALBERT’S CAR – PULLING OUT
Agador watches out the back, melancholy, as the COWBOYS’ LIMO inches
through the media gauntlet.
ALBERT
They’ll be fine. Football players are very
resilient.
ARMAND
Sure. We’ll watch the game with you
tomorrow, if you want.
Agador watches the limo disappear around a corner. He sighs.
ALBERT
Armand, take the next left.
ARMAND
That’s the wrong way.
ALBERT
It’s the way to the airport.
(off their looks)
Who are we kidding? If we don’t know we
can’t live our lives to please our parents,
or even to make things easier for them,
then who does? Esteban has a problem with
you playing football.
(touches Agador)
But nothing means more to you than being a
good friend. And sometimes just being who
you are means hurting your father... or
mother.
He fingers the locket Agador gave him. It opens. Inside, across from
Val and Barbara’s photo, he’s added Agador’s photo.
ALBERT
I’ll miss you, but I know that if that
plane leaves and you’re not on it, you’ll
never forgive yourself.
ARMAND
... Who are you? What have you done with
Albert?
113

INT. BARBERSHOP – MORNING


Rigo waves a Super Bowl ticket under Esteban’s nose.
JUAN
You have to come. He’s off the team.
Esteban, it’s the Super Bowl!
Esteban can’t resist. He takes the ticket.
INT. DALLAS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY
The Cowboys are deplaning. They look up. Agador is waiting. They
pump his hand and slap his back.
PATRICK
I knew he couldn’t miss the Super Bowl.
They walk toward the concourse.
ANOTHER ANGLE REVEALS ARMAND AND ALBERT, walking behind, Albert
carrying a Cowboys pennant, Armand reading from a rule book.
ARMAND
“In the event of a tie at the end of a post-
season game, the winning team will
be determined by a sudden-death overtime.”
THEY BLANCH.
ALBERT
What an awful, awful game!
He starts forward to tell Agador, but Armand puts his hand on his arm.
Albert nods. It’s his life.
PASSERSBY STARE AT THE COWBOYS. Passing newspaper machines, the
players see A FOUR INCH HEADLINE: “DALLAS COWGIRLS?” WITH A PICTURE OF
ALL OF THEM IN DRESSES EXITING THE POLICE STATION.
Then they see TVs in the lounge. CNN playing a clip of the same.
GIBBONS
This is going to be one tough game.
INT. TEXAS STADIUM - EVENING
Steelers fans taunt: “GO COWGIRLS! Go COWGIRLS!” Handoff to Dave,
who’s pounded into the ground for a loss. THE SCOREBOARD: It’s the
Second Quarter, Cowboys behind 13 to 0.
IN THE STANDS, A quarter of Cowboys fans, people upset by news
accounts, as well as those who never liked Agador and now feel
emboldened, BOO THE COWBOYS. They chant responsively: “DUMP” “AGADOR”
“DUMP” “AGADOR”, then together: “SAVE OUR TEAM!”
114

ARMAND AND ALBERT ARE WITH JUDY, disgusted by the angry crowds.
ON THE BENCH, the Cowboys, including Agador, are demoralized. Dave
and Tashjian look at the fans and just shake their heads.
AGADOR
At least Gloria is coming for the half time
show. She’ll cheer us up.
FURTHER DOWN THE BENCH, Patrick is dogging Theron.
PATRICK
We had to get into the dance club
THERON
No man. I don’t want to know. I don’t
want to hear anything about it.
The Coach calls Agador out. As Agador takes the field, the BOOING
INCREASES. AN ANTI-FAN HOLDS UP A SIGN: “HOMO GO HOME!”
IN THE STANDS, ESTEBAN is near another ANTI-FAN, who’s yelling:
ANTI-FAN #2
You goddamn
(BAAAA!, a gas horn
interrupts)
get off the field!
ON THE FIELD, The BOOING upsets Agador. He looks to the seats he got
for his dad. THERE’S A FAT CHINESE GUY JEERING HIM IN MANDARIN.
There’s the snap. He runs and kicks it. It sails through the air...
HITS A POST, AND FALLS OUT. No field goal. Dejected, Agador goes to
the bench. ANTI-FANS throw food and paper bags at him.
ESTEBAN WATCHES HIS SON BEING VILIFIED. HE’S APPALLED.
THE CLOCK RUNS OUT ON THE FIRST HALF. Dave, Gibbons, Tommy and
Tashjian stand next to Patrick, shaking their heads at the crowds.
Judy joins them.
PATRICK
He got us here. He deserves better than
this.
He has an idea. He touches Dave’s arm.
CUT TO:
THE COWBOYS BENCH. Agador has his head in his hands. They walk over
with big smiles.
AGADOR
What?
115

INT. LOCKER ROOM


They drag Agador inside.
AGADOR
No! I can’t!
TOMMY
Agador, don’t you see? This is your
chance.
GIBBONS
It’s your dream!
DAVE
Think about it! You’ll be seen by over a
billion people!
Tommy comes running in carrying Agador’s flamenco dress, his shoes,
and a box with wig and make-up.
AGADOR
Are you crazy?! I’m not ready!
PATRICK
Take it easy. The half time audience is
probably no more than 700 million.
Agador scoots away. Tommy hangs the dress on a locker and they follow
him two aisles over. Before they can say anything else--
ESTEBAN (OC)
I’m looking for Agador. I’m his father.
Agador stops dead.
ESTEBAN (OC)
Is he all right? He’s not hurt is he?
Dave looks around the corner of the locker row and sees Esteban.
DAVE
(amazed)
Agador. Your father’s here.
AGADOR can’t believe it. He walks toward the front, happy,
expectant Until he sees ESTEBAN, WHO’S STARING AT THE FLAMENCO
DRESS HANGING ON THE LOCKER! WITH THE ROYAL SPANISH COAT OF ARMS!!
®
AGADOR SHRIEKS IN PANIC, then leaps behind the lockers. Esteban knows
that patented shriek. HE TURNS, JUST MISSING AGADOR.
ESTEBAN
Princess? What are you doing here?
116

AGADOR
(Princess voice)
Señor Lorca?
(sotto, panicked)
He can’t find out she’s me!
Agador runs away, trying to think. Esteban turns the locker aisle
expecting to see her, but she’s not there.
ESTEBAN
Princess, where are you?
AGADOR
Esteban? Where are you?
(sotto, to Cowboys)
Help me! I’m a Spanish Princess! I’m a
Spanish Princess!
Esteban moves on, searching for her. Agador doubles back through the
maze-like locker aisles and grabs the dress and makeup box.
ESTEBAN
Princess...? What are you doing here?
Agador puts on the dress as he runs frantically.
AGADOR
I’m so glad you’re here! I was afraid we
wouldn’t see each other again.
ESTEBAN (OC)
I thought you left for Spain.
AGADOR
Didn’t you get my messages?
Agador takes a corner while applying makeup and almost runs into
Esteban’s back! He does an about face. Esteban turns, in time to
glimpse the dress disappear around the corner. He hurries after.
ESTEBAN
Princess!
AGADOR
(stops)
Just follow the sound of my voice!
(runs off)
THE COWBOYS HUDDLE, Dave pointing and giving instructions.
DAVE
Go left; you, right. You, hold the center.
AGADOR RUNS, applying base. He’s lost, on a collision course with
Esteban. Suddenly, two players nonchalantly stand, opening lockers to
block Esteban, who has to go the long way around.
117

ESTEBAN
Isabella, what are you doing here?
AGADOR
What are you doing here?
ESTEBAN
I came to see my son Agador.
AGADOR
Oh!
ESTEBAN
... So what are you doing here?
ESTEBAN turns a corner. He’s about to run into Agador. GIBBONS SEES
IT, PANICS AND TACKLES ESTEBAN! UGH! Agador peeks around the corner
to see his tackled father. Good, a moment’s respite.
AGADOR
Are you OK?
He goes to a mirror by Patrick to get his lipstick right. Esteban is
helped into a chair at the other end of the row of lockers.
ESTEBAN
Isabella! Wherever you are, stop! What
are you doing in the Cowboys locker room?!
PATRICK
She won the Hershey’s Dance Contest.
(Agador shakes his head
no, no, no)
To dance at half time in the Super Bowl.
Agador slumps down and sighs, resigned. Patrick smiles.
AGADOR
Yes. Didn’t you hear about it?
DAVE
And there’s no women’s locker room, so
we’re lending her the back.
ESTEBAN
Oh.
Patrick hands Agador his Flamenco heels. COACH LUNTZ WALKS IN TO SEE
HIM IN DRAG, SANS WIG.
LUNTZ
Agador?! What the hell are you doing?!
ESTEBAN
Agador?
118

Esteban gets up and walks toward Luntz’s voice, between two rows of
lockers, no one to stop him. Agador is forced toward the back,
panicked again. He lowers his voice about ten octaves.
AGADOR
Uh, yes. It is me. Hello!
Esteban is getting closer. Agador is boxed in at the end of a row of
lockers. ESTEBAN’S POV AS HE APPROACHES AGADOR’S HIDING SPOT.
SUDDENLY AGADOR STICKS HIS HEAD INTO THE AISLE WEARING A HELMET. One
arm through a jersey sleeve, he waves Esteban away angrily.
AGADOR
You don’t talk to me for fifteen years and
you want to talk now, in the middle of the
Super Bowl?!
ESTEBAN
(keeps approaching)
Well I just thought you might want to
BANG! BANG! Agador pounds the other side of the lockers and turns
his head as if looking at the Princess. His helmet hides his mouth.
AGADOR (IN PRINCESS VOICE)
Señor Lorca! Can I talk to you for a
moment? Over here.
Esteban walks between a break in the lockers to look down the other
side. The Princess sticks her head out this side, a naked shoulder
with her. Esteban spins around.
ESTEBAN
Princess, excuse me!
PRINCESS
I’m changing. You don’t mind waiting at
the other end, do you?
ESTEBAN
Of course not.
(moves away)
What’s Agador doing down there?
PRINCESS
He’s helping me change.
Patrick gives Esteban a knowing shrug.
PATRICK
You know how they are.
Esteban is at the far end of the lockers now. He passes to the other
side again.
ESTEBAN
Agador, how do you know the Princess?
119

Agador pops out, wearing the helmet.


AGADOR
... We met in the Hershey’s club.
ESTEBAN
You know Isabella, I can’t believe you’re
dancing and you didn’t get a hold of me.
Agador turns his head “towards Isabella.”
AGADOR
He’s right. That wasn’t very thoughtful.
Esteban passes over to look down the other aisle. Agador ducks behind
and pulls off his helmet. He’s got no idea what to say!
ESTEBAN’S POV as the Princess sticks her head out, tossing a quick
annoyed look “back towards Agador.”
PRINCESS
I knew you would be at the Super Bowl. I
wanted it to be a surprise.
Esteban nods and passes back to the other side.
ESTEBAN
Agador. Perhaps we can talk later?
There’s Agador in the helmet.
AGADOR
I’d like that.
His hand comes up to scratch his chin, BUT IT’S IN THE RED DRESS
SLEEVE! Esteban reacts. Agador realizes. The hand suddenly becomes
“the Princess’s”. It grabs his helmet and yanks him back out of
sight!
AGADOR (OC)
(Princess voice)
I thought you were helping me!
(Agador voice)
I was talking to my father!
(Princess)
For God’s sake Agador...
(Agador, at a loss)
Yes?
(Princess)
... Do I have too much rouge?
(Agador)
I don’t think that’s your color.
(Princess)
Then help me find my color!
(Agador)
Okay!
120

The situation deteriorating, Patrick signals to various players, who


spring into motion.
DAVE
Look at the time! Princess, you have to
go! Let us escort you.
Tommy puts Agador’s jersey and helmet on. A group surrounds them and
they move together as they make for the door. Esteban tries to get
close, but still more players get “accidentally” in his way.
ESTEBAN
Excuse me... Excuse me...
He follows Agador and Entourage into
THE HALLWAY. He hurries after them. They hurry away from him.
Esteban gives up.
ESTEBAN
Good luck Isabella!
Agador waves back at Esteban AND STUMBLES IN HIS HEELS.
ESTEBAN
We’ll talk later, Agador?
Tommy waves back.
INT. TEXAS STADIUM – MOVEABLE STAGE - EVENING
AT THE FOOT OF THE STAGE, ARMAND AND ALBERT DRAW X’S AND O’S IN A
PATCH OF DIRT AS THE PLAYERS NOD. The Cowgirls surround Albert.
AGADOR (OC)
You can’t make me. I’m not ready!
THE MIAMI SOUND MACHINE sit at their instruments, sans Gloria. JUDY
is talking to the KEYBOARD PLAYER.
JUDY
Yeah, Gloria’s running a little late. He’s
just covering for a few minutes. She. She.
INT. GLORIA’S DRESSING ROOM - SAME
TASHJIAN AND THE SHIRT ADVICE SEEKING PLAYER ARE BLOCKING THE DOOR,
PREVENTING A FRUSTRATED GLORIA ESTEFAN FROM LEAVING.
THE STADIUM
THE STADIUM LIGHTS DIM.
ANNOUNCER (OVER PA)
Ladies and Gentleman! There’s been a special
addition to our half-time program. Let’s
give a warm, Dallas welcome for... Isabella.
121

A SPOT HITS AN EMPTY CENTER STAGE. THE PLAYERS PUSH AGADOR INTO THE
SPOTLIGHT. HE, PERFECT IN HIS FULL FLAMENCO REGALIA. He looks at the
crowd, apprehensive. WE HEAR A DRAMATIC SPANISH GUITAR CHORD.
AGADOR strikes his best pose AND STOMPS HIS HEEL.
The guitar kicks in and Agador dances, heels clacking expertly.
MORE SPOTLIGHTS REVEAL A NERVOUS PATRICK, DAVE, GIBBONS, AND TOMMY.
UP THERE WITH AGADOR, DANCING!
COACH JOHNSON is dumbstruck.
JUAN AND RIGO RUN DOWN AND JOIN ESTEBAN UP-FRONT FOR A CLOSER LOOK.
THE COWGIRLS clap with the music as THE COWBOYS spin Agador, catch him
and pull him away from each other in mock jealousy. Their simple
steps and Agador’s moves give the impression of a well-choreographed
spectacle.
ALBERT AND ARMAND ARE AT THE FOOT OF THE STAGE, GIVING THE PLAYERS
SIGNALS on how to hold themselves and dance like professionals.
Images of the dancing are projected over the Diamond Vision board.
People in the stadium are riveted to their seats.
ESTEBAN, at the front rail, watches Isabella’s moves with the eye of
the professional, and the heart-in-mouth concern of a close friend.
THE DANCE picks up tempo. Under Albert and Armand’s direction, the
players’ movements and actions become more complex. Tommy and Patrick
click their cleats on the stage to match and answer the rhythms that
Agador throws out to them like a taunt or a challenge.
AN ANGRY GLORIA ESTEFAN STORMS INTO THE STADIUM, an abashed Tashjian
trailing her. She watches Agador, arms crossed. Agador crescendos
and comes to a glorious and graceful finish to the final guitar note.
THE STADIUM GIVES ISABELLA AND HIS CO-DANCERS A THUNDEROUS STANDING
OVATION. ESTEBAN AND THE BARBERS ARE ON THEIR FEET, APPLAUDING.
PATRICK AND THE OTHER PLAYERS are smiling.
JUDY is standing at the foot of the stage, smiling at Patrick. Their
eyes meet. She’s proud of what he’s done for Agador.
AGADOR stares at the applauding crowds, happy. But as the applause
continues, his smile fades. MANY OF THOSE APPLAUDING ARE THE SAME
PEOPLE WHO BOOED HIM BEFORE.
His father is applauding. But not for him. For Isabella.
Agador looks around the stadium.
HIS EYES SETTLE ON ALBERT, WATCHING HIM WITH PRIDE.
He looks at the players on stage with him. HE SPEAKS TO THE PLAYERS.
122

AGADOR
Thank you.
Then he looks directly at his father.
HE TAKES OFF HIS WIG AND STARTS WIPING OFF HIS MAKEUP.
ON THE DIAMOND VISION, HIS IMAGE IS EIGHTY FEET TALL.
The applause fades, until it stops altogether.
AGADOR (OVER PA)
It is I: Esteban Lorca Jr. Agador!
ESTEBAN AND THE BARBERS ARE FROZEN IN MID-APPLAUSE.
GLORIA ESTEFAN is surprised.
After an extended silence, one person starts to clap. A few join in.
Then dozens. Then hundreds. Then thousands. NOW THE WHOLE STADIUM
IS STAMPING THEIR FEET AND APPLAUDING, the few die-hard Agador haters
completely overwhelmed.
A BLUE-HAIRED BARBARA BUSH LOOKALIKE GRABS A “DUMP AGADOR” SIGN,
THROWS IT DOWN AND DOES A FLAMENCO ON IT.
AGADOR is deeply touched by the audience’s display of affection.
THEN HE SEES ESTEBAN. LEAVING THE STADIUM.
Agador let’s him go. He accepts that he must go. He looks at his
fellow players, at his friends, and at the crowds.
And bows gratefully to those who accept him.
The Miami Sound Machine kicks into “Coming Out of the Dark” and Gloria
Estefan steps onto stage. Agador starts off but Gloria tosses him a
mike. HE AND GLORIA SING TOGETHER.
CUT TO:
The second half. The Cowboys have hit their stride. They’ve become
the well-oiled machine they were always meant to be. FANS CHEER THEM
ON. AGADOR sits on the bench cheering, their number one fan.
It’s back and forth. The Cowboys score, then Pittsburgh
CUT TO:
THE SCOREBOARD. 15 seconds left in the game, Cowboys trail by 2. The
Cowboys have the ball. There’s the snap.
ON THE SIDELINES, Agador’s attention is on the game when a hand lands
on his shoulder. He turns to see ESTEBAN.
Agador stands. A moment of silence passes between them.
ESTEBAN
You do have strong thighs. But you could
still push a little harder from the calf.
123

AGADOR
I’ll work on it.
ESTEBAN
I think your mother would have been proud
of you today.
Before Esteban can say anything more, a collective groan rises from
the Cowboy fans. Agador and Esteban turn.
The Cowboys quarterback has been sacked.
Coach Johnson is having trouble making a decision. Take a risk on a
winning field goal or risk the play?
COACH LUNTZ
It’s fourth and five.
COACH JOHNSON
It’s sixty-five yards.
COACH LUNTZ
We’re out of time.
THE SCOREBOARD – THE CLOCK IS STOPPED AT 0:08.
COACH JOHNSON
(hates to do it)
Lorca.
Agador looks at his father.
ESTEBAN
Go, go.
Agador takes the field to kick. The crowd is hushed. The ball is
snapped to Theron as Agador starts his run. BUT THERON FUMBLES IT!
EVERYONE GOES FOR IT. AGADOR SCOOPS IT UP.
He looks up. The Steelers steamroll over Theron’s body, and head
straight for him! HE PANICS AND RUNS THE WRONG WAY AGAIN!
The team panics, yelling at him to turn around as they block for him.
Suddenly he cuts back, gaining control of himself. He makes a mad dash
up the sidelines. But there’s a lot of Steel in the way.
A BARE-CHESTED, CREW-CUT, WAR-PAINTED COWBOYS FAN grabs the “HOMO GO
HOME” sign from the Anti-Fan.
INT. BAR IN NEPAL
VAL, BARBARA AND A ROOMFUL OF SHERPAS WILDLY CHEERING AGADOR’S RUN!
124

TEXAS STADIUM
THE FILM SLOWS AND GLORIA ESTEFAN’S MUSIC FILLS THE SOUNDTRACK
AGADOR PUSHES ON. HIS TEAMMATES BLOCK ONE PLAYER AFTER ANOTHER.
STADIUM STILL IN SLOW MOTION:
THE CROWD CHEERS, SCREAMS, GESTURES.
THE COWGIRLS BOUNCE AND CHEER!
THE WAR-PAINTED COWBOYS FAN RUNS ALONG THE SIDELINES HOLDING UP THE
SIGN, CHANGED TO READ: “GO HOMO!”
Agador jumps over a flattened opponent, sidesteps a defender, leaps
and lands, arm outstretched with the ball just inside the end zone.
TOUCHDOWN! The clock zeros out. The Cowboys are champion!
THERON is the first one to reach Agador. He stares at Agador amazed.
He holds out his hand, then just hugs him.
COACH JOHNSON is punching the air with the thrill of victory.
COACH JOHNSON
I LOVE YOU! GODDAMN IT, I LOVE YOU!
The rest of the team runs up to Agador and mobs him.
EXT. DALLAS STREET - THE COWBOYS VICTORY PARADE - DAY
Cowgirls lead the parade with their patented moves.
AT THE FRONT OF THE PARADE IS A FLOAT IN THE SHAPE OF A GIANT FOOTBALL
WITH A THRONE ON TOP. Agador sits on the throne, in a purple robe,
flowers across his lap, waving at the crowds.
ESTEBAN STANDS IN THE CROWD with JUAN AND RIGO. He waves.
AGADOR SEES SOMEONE SPECIAL AND BLOWS A KISS.
IT’S ANTONIO, IN A PINK FISHNET TANK TOP. He catches the kiss and
blows it back. ESTEBAN SPOTS THE EXCHANGE AND FREEZES.
ON THE FLOAT, Armand and Albert place a gold crown on Agador. Agador
smiles, waving his bejeweled scepter at the crowd.
Undisputed Queen of the NFL.

THE END

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