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Queen of the NFL

Queen of the NFL

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Published by cfaber

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Published by: cfaber on Sep 30, 2008
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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09/06/2012

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 QUEEN OF THE NFLbyChris Faber & Dan Baron
 
FADE IN:
INT. THE BIRDCAGE – DAY
The high-class South Beach drag club is closed for the afternoon.Proprietor ARMAND GOLDMAN (Robin Williams) enters and steps toward thebar. He stops as THE LIGHTS SUDDENLY GO OUT.THE UNLIT STAGE as a Spanish guitar calls out. Armand is surprised asa light hits a backdrop to reveal the silhouette of a woman.HER RED FINGERNAILS hold tight to her hip. HER FOOT taps to therhythm. HER BACK MUSCLES begin to undulate. She launches intoflamenco, raising her arms dramatically, clicking her heels. Shethrows a sharp look over the shoulder as a spot hits herOnly it's not a her it's AGADOR (Hank Azaria), THE HOUSEMAN. Heplays it to the hilt with an intense gaze, quick movements Armand shuts off the cassette player, leaving Agador off balance. ARMAND Agador, the self-cleaning oven is supposedto give you more time to
clean
. AGADORI want to be a dancer in the show. ARMANDDancer? Armand kneels and grabs Agador’s foot. IT’S PAINTED BLACK TO THE ANKLE, WITH QUARTERS GLUED TO HIS HEEL TO MAKE THE CLICKING NOISES. ARMAND A policeman has a gun. A horseman hiscrop. A proctologist his latex glove. Anda flamenco dancer wears high heels! AGADORYou know I can’t wear shoes A HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM grabs their attention. IT’S ALBERT (NathanLane), Armand’s long-time companion, horrified at what he thinks he’swalked in on: Agador, on his stage! And Armand on bended knee,holding Agador’s foot to kiss it! ARMAND Albert, don’t ALBERTMurderer! ARMANDMurderer?
 
 2 AGADOROh my god. ALBERTSo I’m to be replaced, just like that. Inthe show and in your heart. The daggercuts twice and cuts deep, Armand.He stifles a sob thinking about it. Armand throws up his hands. ALBERTEt tú, Agador? AGADORMiss Albert, you know I would never murderyou. I just wanted to show him what I cando, you know, my moves. ALBERTWhen you say it, it sounds so innocent.(to Armand)So. He can act, too. Congratulations. Iwish you both the best of luck!He storms out. Armand sighs and goes to the bar for a drink. AGADORWhat was
that
all about? ARMANDHe missed the kids’ call from Nepal lastnight. Now they’re up on the mountainagain for a month. And we’re stuck downhere with the many-headed Hydra ofabandonment. AGADORThat’s terrible. Poor Albert. So can I bein the show? ARMANDYou already have a career. Armand throws a dust rag to Agador. Agador click-clacks off thestage, picking up a bottle of 409. AGADORYou never take me seriously. I don’t knowwhy I work for you. ARMANDBecause you don’t see a lot of want ads fora Lycra-wearing, barefoot houseman whocooks like a prison chef.

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