Abraham Lincoln's Humor: Yarns, Stories, and Anecdotes by and about Our 16th President

Part 1:  EARLY LIFE

1.  Lincoln’s First Dollar

"Seward, you never heard, did you, how I earned my first dollar? Well, I was about eighteen years of age. I belonged, you know, to what they call down South, the ‘scrubs’; people who do not own slaves are nobody there. But we had succeeded in raising, chiefly by my labor, sufficient produce, as I thought, to justify me in taking it down the river to sell. After much persuasion, I got the consent of mother to go, and constructed a little flatboat, large enough to take a barrel or two of things that we had gathered, with myself and little bundle, down to New Orleans.

"A steamer was coming down the river. We have, you know, no wharves on the Western streams; and the custom was, if passengers were at any of the landings, for them to go out in a boat, the steamer stopping and taking them on board. I was contemplating my new flatboat, and wondering whether I could make it stronger or improve it in any particular, when two men came down to the shore in carriages with trunks, and, looking at the different boats, singled out mine, and asked: ‘Who owns this?’ I answered, somewhat modestly: ‘I do.’ ‘Will you,’ said one of them, ‘take us and our trunks out to the steamer?’ ‘Certainly,’ said I.

"I was very glad to have the chance of earning something. I supposed that each of them would give me two or three bits. The trunks were put on my flatboat, the passengers seated themselves on the trunks, and I sculled them out to the steamboat. They got on board, and I lifted up their heavy trunks and put them on deck. The steamer was about to put on steam again, when I called out that they had forgotten to pay. Each of them took from his pocket a silver half-dollar, and threw it on the floor of my boat. I could scarcely believe my eyes as I picked up the money.

You may think it was a very little thing, and in these days it seems to me a trifle; but it was a most important incident in my life. I could scarcely credit that I, a poor boy, had earned a dollar in less than a day—that by honest work I had earned a dollar. The world seemed wider and fairer before me. I was a more hopeful and confident being from that time.

2.  Blackstone’s Commentaries

"One day a man who was migrating to the West drove up in front of my store with a wagon which contained his family and household plunder. He asked me if I would buy an old barrel for which he had no room in his wagon, and which contained nothing of special value. I did not want it, but to oblige him I bought it, and paid him half a dollar for it. Without further examination I put it away in the store and forgot all about it. Some time after, in overhauling things, I came upon the barrel and emptying it on the floor to see what it contained, I found at the bottom of the rubbish a complete edition of Blackstone’s Commentaries.

Sir William Blackstone (1723–1780) published his massive four-volume Commentaries on the Laws of England between 1765 and 1769. This authoritative explication of the history and significance of English common law has greatly influenced the history of legal thinking and philosophy in the English-speaking world and was a major influence on the political philosophy of the American founding fathers. When the young Lincoln, who once described his overall education as defective, came across Blackstone’s commentaries in his teenage years, he pored over them. They helped set him on course to become a lawyer.

I began to read those famous works, and I had plenty of time; for during the long summer days, when the farmers were busy with their crops, my customers were few and far between. The more I read the more intensely interested I became. Never in my whole life was my mind so thoroughly absorbed. I read until I devoured them.

3.  Springfield Society

Lincoln’s entrance into society in Springfield, when he was a young man there, was not too impressive. He attended his first ball there because he wished to see one of the guests, Mary Todd, who later became his wife. Mary and another girl were sitting together, and Lincoln approached in his bashful way and asked Mary to dance.

Miss Todd, he said, I should like to dance with you the worst way.

Mary was willing, but it was a trial for her to hobble through the steps with her big, rather awkward partner. As she limped back to her friend and sat down, rubbing her mistreated feet, the other young lady said mischievously:

Well, Mary, did he dance with you ‘the worst way’?

He certainly did, Mary replied; the very worst!

—Herndon

William Herndon (1818-1891) was Lincoln’s law partner in Springfield, Illionis, and an early biographer of Lincoiln. Herndon felt that Nicolay and Hay’s official biographpy was too hero-worshipping. Herndon tried to present a more true-to-life, warts-and-all portrait.

4.  Dilemma

I remember hearing a great racket in the street in front of my house and stepped on the porch to see what was the matter.

Mr. Lincoln was coming down the street with Tad and Will hanging to his coattails. They were yelling at the top of their voices.

What’s the trouble, Mr. Lincoln? I asked.

Same old trouble since the world began, he replied, as he pushed his way along up the street, dragging the boys behind him. I have three walnuts in my pockets and each of the boys wants two.

5.  Columbus

Lincoln used to tell a story about a school teacher who said to his pupils one day:

If each child will bring an egg to school tomorrow I will show you how Christopher Columbus made the egg stand on end. Those who cannot bring an egg kindly bring a piece of ham.

6.  Long-Shanks

One man who knew Lincoln at New Salem, says the first time he saw him he was lying on a trundle-bed covered with books and papers and rocking a cradle with his foot.

The whole scene was entirely characteristic—Lincoln reading and studying, and at the same time helping his landlady by quieting her child.

A gentleman who knew Mr. Lincoln well in early manhood says: Lincoln at this period had nothing but plenty of friends.

After the customary hand-shaking on one occasion in the White House at Washington several gentlemen came forward and asked the President for his autograph. One of them gave his name as Cruikshank. That reminds me, said Mr. Lincoln, of what I used to be called when a young man—’Long-shanks!’

7.  Pragmatism

Every man has his own peculiar and particular way of getting at and doing things, said President Lincoln one day, "and he is often criticised because that way is not the one adopted by others. The great idea is to accomplish what you set out to do. When a man is successful in whatever he attempts, he has many imitators, and the methods used are not so closely scrutinized, although no man who is of good intent will resort to mean, underhanded, scurvy tricks.

"That reminds me of a fellow out in Illinois, who had better luck in getting prairie chickens than any one in the neighborhood. He had a rusty old gun no other man dared to handle; he never seemed to exert himself, being listless and indifferent when out after game, but he always brought home all the chickens he could carry, while some of the others, with their finely trained dogs and latest improved fowling-pieces, came home alone.

"‘How is it, Jake?’ inquired one sportsman, who, although a good shot, and knew something about hunting, was often unfortunate, ‘that you never come home without a lot of birds?’

"Jake grinned, half closed his eyes, and replied: ‘Oh, I don’t know that there’s anything queer about it. I jes’ go ahead an’ git ’em.’

"‘Yes, I know you do; but how do you do it?’

"‘You’ll tell.’

"‘Honest, Jake, I won’t say a word. Hope to drop dead this minute.’

"‘Never say nothing, if I tell you?’

"‘Cross my heart three times.’

"This reassured Jake, who put his mouth close to the ear of his eager questioner, and said, in a whisper:

‘All you got to do is jes’ to hide in a fence corner an’ make a noise like a turnip. That’ll bring the chickens every time.’

8.  The Surveyor

When a surveyor, Mr. Lincoln first platted the town of Petersburg, Ill. Some twenty or thirty years afterward the property-owners along one of the outlying streets had trouble in fixing their boundaries. They consulted the official plat and got no relief. A committee was sent to Springfield to consult the distinguished surveyor, but he failed to recall anything that would give them aid, and could only refer them to the record. The dispute therefore went into the courts. While the trial was pending, an old Irishman named McGuire, who had worked for some farmer during the summer, returned to town for the winter. The case being mentioned in his presence, he promptly said: I can tell you all about it. I helped carry the chain when Abe Lincoln laid out this town. Over there where they are quarreling about the lines, when he was locating the street, he straightened up from his instrument and said: ‘If I run that street right through, it will cut three or four feet off the end of ——’s house. It’s all he’s got in the world and he never could get another. I reckon it won’t hurt anything out here if I skew the line a little and miss him.’

The line was skewed, and hence the trouble, and more testimony furnished as to Lincoln’s abounding kindness of heart, that would not willingly harm any human being.

9.  Studying Law

Lincoln’s attempt to make a lawyer of himself under adverse and unpromising circumstances—he was a bare-footed farm-hand—excited comment. And it was not to be wondered. One old man, who was yet alive as late as 1901, had often employed Lincoln to do farm work for him, and was surprised to find him one day sitting barefoot on the summit of a woodpile and attentively reading a book.

This being an unusual thing for farm-hands in that early day to do, said the old man, when relating the story, "I asked him what he was reading.

"‘I’m not reading,’ he answered. ‘I’m studying.’

"‘Studying what?’ I inquired.

"‘Law, sir,’ was the emphatic response.

It was really too much for me, as I looked at him sitting there proud as Cicero. ‘Great God Almighty!’ I exclaimed, and passed on. Lincoln merely laughed and resumed his studies.

10.  Captivated by Breckenridge

In the far-away days when Abe went to school in Indiana, they had exercises, exhibitions and speaking-meetings in the schoolhouse or the church, and Abe was the star. His father was a Democrat, and at that time Abe agreed with his parent. He would frequently make political and other speeches to the boys and explain tangled questions.

John C. Breckinridge (1821–1875) was an attorney and politician who was prominent before the Civil War. He represented Kentucky in both houses of Congress and was vice president under James Buchanan in the 1850s. He was expelled from the Senate after joining the Confederate Army in 1861. He later became the Confederacy’s secretary of war.

Booneville was the county seat of Warrick county, situated about fifteen miles from Gentryville. Thither Abe walked to be present at the sittings of the court, and listened attentively to the trials and the speeches of the lawyers.

One of the trials was that of a murderer. He was defended by Mr. John Breckinridge, and at the conclusion of his speech Abe was so enthusiastic that he ventured to compliment him. Breckinridge looked at the shabby boy, thanked him, and passed on his way.

Many years afterwards, in 1862, Breckinridge called on the President, and he was told, It was the best speech that I, up to that time, had ever heard. If I could, as I then thought, make as good a speech as that, my soul would be satisfied.

11.  War of 1812

Once, when asked what he remembered about the war with Great Britain, Lincoln replied: "Nothing but this: I had been fishing one day and caught a little fish, which I was taking home. I met a soldier in the road, and, having been always told at home that we