The 2nd floor contains a new casino calledthe Cash Cow Casino where over 400 new video slot machines with a bovine theme are ready to suck the moola out of feverish gambler's pockets. Slot machines include Udder Mania, Milk Money, Moo Money, Haywire, Meat Millions, HayFever, Leather Lucre, Dairy Dollars, Bet The Farm, Purple Cow Sevens, Bovine Bucks, and the very popular Cud Cash.The Udder Mania progressive jackpot winner gets a herd of Jersey cows and a farm in upstate New York. A special Prayer & Scream room is also included on this floor for gamblers who have given so much and gotten so little in return.
UDDER BRAS TAKE HOLD
- When it comes to udders, American cows get a T rating (for titanic) at least in cup size. According to asurvey by Merrill Lynch ("We're Bullish on America") almost 44% of American cows now wear bras. The bovine brassieresare manufactured by a Twin Peaks, California company called Bovine Udder Bras Amalgamated (BUBA) which reportedprofits of over $36 million dollars last year.Farmers continue to complain about this latest fashion trend citing the time it takes before and after milking to unhook andrehook the bras to the udder. "It cuts down on our productivity and besides we like to see them swinging those loadedcannons when they come into the barn. Now with them holstered we ain't getting titillated no more. It's just another boringday in the milking parlor for us with these prudish cows," said unhappy farmer Dick Wacker.In addition, the survey showed that 42% of the cows thought their udders were pear shaped, 40% said they werependulous, and 18% said they looked like milk bags. The survey concluded that cows are getting more modest about their private parts as they enter the 21st century. A majority would even consider stepping into underwear and lingerie whenthey hit the market!
BUTT MASSAGE MAY HELP BOVINES
Jolly Dump, SD
- If a farmer tells you to "stick it where the sun don't shine," they might be doing you a favor. According toDr. Ben Dover a sex-cum-proctologist-cum-veterinarian, a finger up your cow's bottom for 30 seconds a day can improveher health. The good doctor (who we refused to shake hands with) explained to us that "sphincter tension" is a major cause of death in cows today. He says the best way to relieve this tension is by shoving a clean finger up their rear endsat least twice a day. "These cows are under tremendous amounts of pressure to produce unlimited quantities of milk anddeliver prize calves. They are overworked, constipated, and pissed off at the world. When I give them the finger they smileat me and go on to lead productive lives."Many bovine health experts like Howie Feltersnatch are poo-poohing Dover's claims saying that most assholes like to beleft alone. "This notion that cow sphincters are tense is asinine. I have never been around a cow who didn't let fly with her fecal calling card within 15 minutes of meeting me. They are the most relaxed creatures on the face of this fertile earthand have very little stress to deal with. This crackpot Ben Dover is a filthy pervert dispensing suppository advice to anation of farmers who will listen to any quack with a degree when they get behind in their payments to the bank. Thedigital age of farming means computerized pie and flow charts not fingers in the derriere (dairyair!)."
FLANK SINATRA BUYS THE FARM
- Beloved crooner, bullshit artist and reputed mobsteer Flank Sinatra passed away last night after a two year battle with Hoof In Mouth Disease. A month prior to his death he was able to record one last song entitled "Scooby DoobyMoo" which was released yesterday and shot to the top of the charts with a bullet.The bull with the golden throat had many hits over the years including "The Bossy Is A Tramp," Kick Your Ass In TheGrass," "Heifers In The Night," "Something In The Way She Moos" and "Milkman Magic." He barnstormed the world over and delighted farm animals with his big barn concerts. Born in Cheesequake, New Jersey the skinny bull with blue eyesfound the world of entertainment more to his liking than a male bovines usual career in studom.His string of six marriages over the years to the likes of Josie Bigbooty, Mary Humpstone, Barb Dwyer, Mary Christmas,Penny Pincher and the underage Uretha Franklin all ended in bitter acrimony. His well publicized penile reduction surgeryten years ago scandalized the bovine world. Flank's lack of progeny over the years led many to whisper that he wasimpotent. He often got in trouble with the law for being friendly with members of the Milk Mafia and trampling anyone who