DoubleSign® Dating Tips for Women

1. You CAN make the first move.

Traditionally, women have been expected to wait for men to approach them and ask for a
date. Well, it’s 2004. Don’t wait. If there’s a man that you’re interested in having dinner
with, ask him.

The fact is many men feel a great deal of pressure because they feel they’re always the
ones who have to initiate the dating process. And that causes anxiety for women, who are
the ones who have no control over the situation. What have you got to lose by asking a
man out? Most men would probably be relieved to have the ball in your court, and will
probably be impressed with your ability to be yourself and not cave to archaic
conventions.

If you think that a guy will consider you too forward if you ask him out, don’t worry.
Most won’t. And if he does, it seems that his views of women are a little on the
misogynistic side. You don’t want to date a guy like that.

Here’s the bottom line: end the suspense for both of you. Waiting causes anxiety for you
just as much as asking causes anxiety for men. Put both of you out of your respective
misery. Just ask him out.

2. Don’t play games.

We’ve all heard the rules before: “I won’t accept a date for Saturday any later than
Wednesday.” “I’ll only call him back every third time he calls me.”

This is not only juvenile behavior, it’s downright manipulative. If you want to go out
with someone, just say yes. If you want to call, then call. When you play these silly
games, you’re not only putting up an obnoxious front for the man you like, you’re also
denying yourself from doing what you really want to.

These rules that we often use to construct a certain dating etiquette structure do nothing
to create of maintain lasting relationships. All they do is create an atmosphere of mutual
manipulation . . . with one partner trying to gain emotional leverage over the other. This
is obviously not healthy. And it’s not the kind of relationship you want.

The best way to avoid this is to be honest. Do what you want to do. Call when you want
to call. And be considerate of what he may be feeling. He doesn’t deserve to be “played”
any more than you do, so be sure to treat him with the kind of respect you’d expect to
receive from him.

3. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Some women have a tendency to provide vague answers when talking to their dates.
Why? Well, sometimes you’re not sure how a man will react to how you really feel on a
subject. Sometimes you might not even know how you feel about something. And
sometimes you just don’t want to tell.

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© 2004 Noble Grace LLC
 DoubleSign® Dating Tips for Women

The truth is giving vague answers creates an environment of ambiguity. And while this
gives you plenty of room to pull the “I never said that” card, it also causes an abundance
of misunderstandings. Make sure you’re both on the same page. If you’re able to give a
clear answer to something, then give it. If you’re not sure, then say you’d like to think
about it. If you don’t want him to know something, tell him it’s none of his business.
Remember, honesty is a virtue, both in dating and in life.

If you don’t make your wishes clear, then you can’t blame your date for not carrying
them out. As romantic as it would be for someone to read your mind and know exactly
what you want, it just isn’t going to happen. If you want things your way, let your way be
known. It really doesn’t get much simpler.

4. Be involved in making plans.

It used to be the man’s job to make the plans for the date. You just had to smile, nod and
follow along. Believe it or not, there are some women who prefer a “take-charge” kind of
guy who makes all the plans, doesn’t ask for input, and expects you to go along for the
ride. If you’re one of those women, 1955 just called . . . they want their sexual politics
back.

First of all, it takes work to plan a date. And it’s not fair to just assume the man is going
to do all the work. Lend a hand. Even if he’s “in charge” of one particular date, it’ll make
his life a whole lot easier if he knows what you’d like to do that night.

Second, when you have input on the date, you’ll probably enjoy the date a whole lot
more. If you leave it solely up to your guy all the time, eventually, you may just end up
doing the things he likes to do. And that’s no good for you.

Tell him what you want to do. Take charge of some of the dates. It’s your relationship
too, so you’re just as responsible for where and how the two of you interact.

5. You’re just as interesting as he is.

Dating is all about conversation. The two of you are supposed to be learning about one
another and finding out if you’re compatible. So if you’ve spent most of the night
learning about his family, job, health, car, politics, religion, pets and habits without
getting a word in edgewise, there’s a problem.

If you try to divulge some information about yourself and he shows little interest in
hearing about you, you’re perfectly justified in speaking up. Say, “It seems that I’ve
learned quite a bit about you, but haven’t been able to tell you anything about me.” Think
this is rude? Well, it’s far less rude than talking non-stop about yourself.

On the other hand, the man often times is not the culprit. If you sit there silent and
nodding, or adding nothing to the conversation but questions about him, then of course
he’ll just talk about himself. He’s got to talk about something and you’re giving him no
other options. And while the old dating textbooks talk about “leaning in and listening” to
make men feel interesting, remember that this makes you appear far less interesting. He’s

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 DoubleSign® Dating Tips for Women

on a date with you, so he probably wants to learn a little about you. Because you’re very
much worth knowing about.

6. Don’t be worried if things aren’t perfect.

Dating is messy. Two nervous people trying to plan a time and place to get together and
apprehensively try to find what they have in common. It’s just a breeding ground for little
slip-ups and faux pas. So what should you do in a fix? Laugh about it.

One of the best things you can do to lighten the atmosphere and make a date more
enjoyable for you and your date is to admit that you’re nervous and let it be known that
you’re OK with that. He’s nervous too. This puts you in the same boat and gives you a
common, awkward, potentially funny emotion to work from.

Throughout the date, things will go wrong. It’s unavoidable. You’ll say something
sarcastic and immediately regret it. Or you’ll accidentally trip and fall on your way out of
the restaurant. The best thing to do is acknowledge it, smile and move on.

Anything that involves people can’t be perfect. So when your date strays from flawless
(and it will) take joy in the fun of our human imperfections. It’s what makes each
individual, each relationship and each interaction interesting and worth loving.

7. If there’s something you’re not comfortable with, say so.

This starts with plans for the date. Maybe you don’t want to go to a rodeo because you
oppose cruelty to animals. Maybe a walk in the woods is terrible news for your allergies.
Maybe a racy movie is just off limits for the first date. It’s your date too! If you want to
have a good time, you can’t spend the evening in silent discomfort. Speak up.

Candidness only becomes more important throughout the night and the relationship. If
kissing on the first date is not on your agenda, let your date know. When you do
something that you’re uncomfortable with, you not only sell yourself short, but you give
your date the wrong impression that everything is fine. He needs to know what your
comfortable with, otherwise he can’t keep you comfortable.

The same goes for sex. If you’ve been in the relationship long enough to become
intimate, it’s important to express your feelings on intercourse itself, as well as other
techniques. If something feels uncomfortable, painful or just wrong to you, you’ve got to
speak up. Your honesty means a more satisfying sexual experience for you and clearer
boundaries for your partner.

8. Know your limits and make them known.

When it comes to sex, it’s so important that your partner know not just how “far” you’re
willing to go, but what intercourse means to you and how it changes the relationship.
Before having sex, talk to your partner about what you expect . . . how you think the
relationship will change, what’s acceptable behavior and what is a deal-breaker. And find
out how he feels about these things. Only when you know how you want things to work
can both of you fully understand the expectations you have for one another.

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© 2004 Noble Grace LLC
 DoubleSign® Dating Tips for Women

It’s also very important to make clear certain relational boundaries that you want to
maintain. Maybe you’re not ready to meet his parents. Explain to him that that’s a
meeting that has great meaning to you, and right now your relationship does not match
that meaning. If he wants to start staying at your house several nights a week, it’s
perfectly acceptable to request more privacy.

The fact is that when you’re involved in a relationship, you should be getting out of it
what you need. Naturally, sometimes both of you will need to make concessions. But it’s
vital to know right from the get-go what cannot be compromised. Otherwise, you may
find yourself in an unhappy relationship with no idea how you got there.

9. Don’t settle.
Even today, there’s a great deal of pressure on women to find a stable, long-term
relationship. Unfortunately, this is still one of the measures by which a woman’s success
is measured. But look at this measure as exactly what it is – a long outdated double
standard, not a standard for you to live up to.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about this. Too many women use this
measure to justify staying in a relationship that’s not satisfying. The “at least I have
someone” mentality is still keeping women from enjoying life as much as they should.
And by the time women in this state of mind get past this way of thinking, it’s often too
late.

The best thing to do is to pledge to not settle. Your relational status is not as important as
your happiness. There is no bigger mistake you can make than to tie your life’s
fulfillment to the illusion of a happy relationship. And if the man in your life is keeping
you from being happy, then move on. If you don’t, you have no one but yourself to
blame.

10. Be honest with your feelings.

Sometimes the desire to be in a relationship causes people to lie to themselves about how
they really feel about someone. If you really listen to you heart, and are honest with your
feelings, discerning how you feel about someone is not difficult.

The problem is that some women interpret real apprehension and genuine reservations
about a relationship as jitters. And in the desire to be part of a couple, they force
themselves to ignore the nagging voice that says, “This is not going to work.” If you find
yourself in this situation, remember one universal truth: no matter how strongly you
believe that you can lie to yourself forever, no one can. Your true wishes will always
come out.

Along with all the other dating tips, honesty is paramount. Before we discussed how your
mate can’t do what you want if he doesn’t know what you want. Well, you can’t have the
life you want if you won’t acknowledge it.

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© 2004 Noble Grace LLC
 DoubleSign® Dating Tips for Women

Listen to your inner voice. Your heart understands what your brain does not. And social
conventions have not had a chance to filter the way our hearts react. It’s the only true
measure of the quality of a relationship.

From www.DoubleSign.com 5
© 2004 Noble Grace LLC