Calvin Quotes

Calvin & Hobbes

ch851117: Calvin and Hobbes November 18 It starts all over again!The first Calvin and Hobbes strip.ch851118: So long Pop! I'm off to check my tiger trap! I rigged a tuna fish sandwich yesterday, so I'm sure tohave a tiger by now! They like tuna fish, huh? Tigers will do anything for a tuna fish sandwich. We're kind of stupid that way. Munch MunchCalvin is off to check his tiger trap. Since Calvin baited it with a tuna fish sandwich, he's sure he'll have caught atiger. Calvin tells his Dad that tigers will do anything for tuna fish. Hobbes, hanging by his foot in the trap, saystigers are kind of stupid that way.ch851119: So Dad, what do I do when I catch a tiger? Bring it home and stuff it Calvin! Can't you see I'm busy?Sheesh. No, really, I couldn't eat another bite!Calvin asks Dad what he should do when he catches a tiger. Perturbed, Dad replies Calvin should bring it homeand stuff it. Hobbes, sitting in the kitchen, tells Calvin (who's looking for more food in the refrigerator) he can'teat another bite.ch851120: What's all this noise? You're supposed to be asleep! It was Hobbes, Dad! He was jumping on the bed!Honest! "Hobbes" was not jumping on the bed! Now go to sleep! You were too jumping on the bed! Well, youwere the one playing the cymbals!!Dad yells at Calvin to go to sleep and to quit making noise. Calvin blames Hobbes for jumping on the bed. Dadsays Hobbes was not jumping on the bed, and that Calvin should go to sleep. Calvin tells Hobbes that he was theone jumping on the bed. Hobbes says Calvin was the one playing the cymbals.ch851121: Show and tell is over, Calvin. Please put your "tiger" in your locker. In my locker?! He'll suffocate!Well, at least put him under your chair. Whey! That was a close one! I'll say! Sever plus three. Seventy-three.Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to put his tiger in his locker. Calvin protests that Hobbes would suffocate. MissWormwood allows Calvin to put Hobbes under his seat. Calvin is relieved and promptly asks Hobbes for somemath assistance.ch851122: Good night, Calvin. 'night Dad! Hey! Aren't you going to say good night to Hobbes?! Good night,Hobbes. That's it?! No story? No smooch?? Go to sleep, you sissy.Dad tells Calvin good night. As he's leaving, Calvin asks if he isn't going to say good night to Hobbes. Dad doesso. Hobbes complains about there being no story or smooch. Calvin calls Hobbes a sissy and tells him to go tobed.ch851123: What's this? Taste it. You'll love it. You know you'll hate something when they won't tell you what itis.Calvin looks at his dinner plate and asks Dad what it is. Dad replies Calvin should taste it, he'll like it. Calvinthinks you know you'll hate it when they won't tell you what it is.ch851124: Outrage! Why should I go to bed? I'm not tired! It's only 7:30! This is tyranny! I'm ZZZZ Good night,Calvin. Will you check for monsters under the bed? No monsters. You're safe. What about the dresser? Calvin,I'm sure there are no monsters in your dresser. Go to sleep. Great. I'll bet that's where they all are. They'll comeout and kill us as soon as we fall asleep. So who's going to fall asleep? Well, we'll just have to get the monstersfirst. You irritate them with this horn, and I'll nail 'em with my dart gun when they come out. Get ready! I hearone coming! What's all the noise?! AAIEEE!! A monster in the hallway!! Dear will you come up here a minute? Ithink I wounded him. Give me the bat and I'll finish him off!Calvin asks Dad to check under the bed for monsters, which he does. Then, he asks to have the dresser checked.Dad refuses. Calvin is sure that's where the monsters will be hiding, and that they'll come out when Calvin goes tosleep. Calvin decides to be proactive by arming himself with a suction dart gun and giving Hobbes a horn. Theplan is to irritate the monsters by honking the horn, then shooting them. As they execute their plan, a monster

comes in the door. Dad, with several suction darts sticking to him, asks Mom to come upstairs. Calvin is heardsaying he was going to finish off the monster when he found his baseball bat.ch851125: Any monsters under my bed tonight!! Well there'd better not be! I'd hate to have to torch one with myflame thrower! You have a flame thrower?? They lie. I lie.Calvin asks whether there are any monsters in his room tonight. Multiple replies of "no" come from under the bed.Calvin threatens to use a flamethrower on any monster coming out. Hobbes asks whether Calvin really has aflamethrower. Calvin replies that if the monsters can lie, so can he.ch851126: Mom, can I drive on the way back? Of course not, Calvin. Can I just steer then? I promise I won'tcrash. No, Calvin. Can I work the gas and brakes while you steer? No, Calvin. You never let me do anything.Calvin asks his Mom whether he can drive the car home. Mom replies no. Calvin wonders if he could steer thecar. Mom replies no. Calvin asks whether he can work the gas and brakes. Again, Mom says no. Calvin replies hisMom never lets him do anything.ch851127: Here we find a thriving city: brand new buildings, a bustling economy. A scenic thoroughfare windsthrough this happy municipality. Here, a farmer drives his livestock to market. Tragically, this serene metropolislies directly beneath the Hoover dam...Calvin is in the sandbox. He sees the bustling city with new buildings. He describes the farmer going to market.Calvin then fills up a bucket with water. He then mentions that the serene metropolis lies directly beneath theHoover Dam.ch851128: This smells like bat barf! That does it, young man! You are excused to your room! Don't you think that's a little harsh, dear? He'll get hungry. Calvin has got to learn some manners! He won't starve to death. ...andextra pepperoni!Calvin says dinner smells like bat barf. Dad sends him to his room. Mom thinks that might be a bit harsh, but Dadholds firm. Dad says Calvin needs to learn manners. He also says Calvin won't starve. Calvin and Hobbes are seenon the telephone ordering extra pepperoni.ch851129: We'll see what the principal has to say about your attention span, young man! The valiant SpacemanSpiff has been captured! The aliens doubtlessly want the secret formula to the atomic napalm neutralizer!Moments from the torture chamber, Spiff springs into action! Why is he eating his hall pass?Miss Wormwood takes Calvin to the office to see the principal. Spaceman Spiff is captured and is being taken fortorture. He knows the aliens are after the formula to the atomic napalm neutralizer. Spiff springs into action. Theprincipal asks Miss Wormwood why Calvin is eating his hall pass.ch851130: Do you believe in fate? You mean, that our lives are predestined? Yeah ... that the things we do areinevitable. What a scary thought!Calvin and Hobbes are riding the wagon down the hill as Calvin asks if Hobbes believes in fate. Hobbes questionswhether Calvin means our lives are predestined. Calvin confirms that he is thinking that the things they do areinevitable. As they fly into the air after flying off the end of a pier, Hobbes states that is a scary thought.ch851201: No! goodness, what was all that fuss? Oh, Calvin didn't want to take his bath. What a noisy kid! I'mdoomed. I can't believe my own parents would do this to me! AH-HA! I've got you now, kid! AAUGH! Help!Quick! Momm! HA HA HA! Have a drink! Hellp! Gurgle blub. Calvin! Quiet down and quit splashing! I don'twant to have to clean the whole bathroom. Ha! I pulled the plug! Down the drain with you! Die, fiend! Die, die!!Don't tell me he's letting out the water already! Believe it lady.Calvin is placed into the tub for a bath. He can't believe his parents would do that to him. Suddenly, a sudsmonster rises from the tub and attacks Calvin. As the battle goes on, Mom yells up to Calvin to quiet down.Calvin gets the best of the suds monster and sends the fiend to his death. As Mom comments to Dad about Calvinletting the water out already, Calvin walks by naked and tells her to believe it.ch851202: Bad news, dad. Your polls are way down. My polls? You rate especially low among tigers and six-year-old white males. If you want to stay "Dad" I'd suggest you adopt some key planks to your platform. Somespecial interest groups are in for a surprise. Of those polled, virtually all flavor increased allowances and thecommencement of driving lessons.

Dad is informed his poll scores are low, especially with 6-year-olds. Dad will have to adopt some key planks tokeep his position. Dad comments that some special interest groups are going to be in for a surprise.ch851203: There's a new girl in our class. Well! What's her name? Who knows? Is she nice? Who cares? Not me!Do you like her?? No!Hobbes asks Calvin about the new girl in school. Calvin doesn't know her name. Hobbes wonders if she's nice.Calvin doesn't care. Hobbes asks the big question of whether Calvin likes her, which gets an emphatic NO reply.ch851204: Here comes that new girl. Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar? Ihope you suffer a debilitating brain aneurysm, you freak! She's cute, isn't she?? Go away.Calvin sees the new girl coming and yells a question asking if that's Susie Derkins' face or if a possum is stuck inher collar. He then yells that she should have a debilitating brain aneurysm. Hobbes says she's cute, to whichCalvin wants Hobbes to go away.ch851205: Hi Calvin. Mind if I join you for lunch? Yes. I have soup today. What do you have? A squid eyeballsandwich. You do not! Don't be disgusting. I like to suck out the retinas. Miss Wormwood! Care for a bite? Orwere you leaving?Susie asks to join Calvin eating lunch. Calvin tells Susie he has a squid eyeball sandwich. Susie doesn't believehim and tells him not to be so disgusting. Calvin replies by indicating he likes to suck out the retinas. Susie callsfor Miss Wormwood, while Calvin asks whether she wants a bite of his sandwich or was just leaving.ch851206: You can't come up here, Susie! No girls allowed. What on earth makes you think I'd want to sit up in astupid tree in the first place?!? Leave it to a girl, to take all the fun out of sex discrimination.Calvin, up in a tree house, tells Susie she can't come up and that no girls are allowed. Susie wonders why hewould think she'd want to sit up in a tree anyway. Calvin thinks about that and decides she's taken all the fun outof sex discrimination.ch851207: Wheee! Houston, we have a negative on that orbit trajectory.Calvin is swinging and lets himself go. As he flies into the air, he realizes he has a problem. He calls Houston toreport a negative on that orbit trajectory.ch851208: Our hero, the valiant Spaceman Spiff, is marooned on a strange world ... I'll set my Mertilizer on "deepfat fry." Calvin! You're not paying attention! ... we join Spaceman Spiff on the distant planet Zorg ... Gronk!Argh! Trapped by a hideous Graknil, Spiff draws his trusty atomic napalm neutralizer! Chew electric deathsnarling cur! But the weapon is useless! Spiff is doomed!! Our hero makes a break and ducks into a nearby cave!Weeoo! What's that awful smell? Eep! Who was that? Beats me, Fred.Miss Wormwood calls to Calvin about not paying attention. Spaceman Spiff shoots the atomic napalm neutralizerat the snarling cur, but to no avail. Spiff runs off to a nearby cave, where he smells something awful. Suddenly, alight comes on, and Spiff finds himself in the midst of several monsters. Calvin runs out of the teachers lounge, asthey ask who that was.ch851209: Oh, Mary, you look ravishing in that skimpy negligee! Mmm ... darling, don't you wish we weremarried? But we are! ... or did you mean to each other? I've got to have you! Let's murder our spouses! Murder?!You sick animal! I love it when you talk that way! Come here! Sometimes I think I learn more when I stay homefrom school.Calvin is lying in bed with a thermometer in his mouth watching soap operas. He hears dialog about Mary'sskimpy negligee, about the couple being married (but to other people), and a plan to murder their spouses. Calvinthinks he learns more when he stays home from school.ch851210: Mom, can I set fire to my bed mattress? No, Calvin. Can I ride my tricycle on the roof? No, Calvin.Then can I have a cookie? No, Calvin. She's on to me.Calvin asks if he can set fire to his mattress. Mom replies no. He then asks if he can ride his tricycle on the roof.Mom replies no. Calvin then asks for a cookie. Again, Mom replies no. Calvin realizes she's onto him.