One fine day mister rabbit goes running around the forest and he sees a giraffe rolling a big fat juicy joint and says "giraffe giraffe! why do you smoke puff? Come run with me and get fit instead" so the giraffe stops rolling his reefer and runs with the rabbit . Then they come across an elephant doing big fat lines of charlie on a mirror . The rabbit says "Elephant elephant, why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead and get fit ." So the elephant stops and goes running with the two then they come across a lion preparing a syringe of smack "Lion lion" cries the rabbit, "why do you do drugs? come run with us instead." The lion with a mighty roar squashes the little rabbit to smithereens. "NO!" the giraffe and the elephant cry "why did you do that? all he was trying to do was to help you out!" The Lion says "Bloody rabbit always makes me run around this friggin\u2019 forest when he's done a few pills of speed."
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to: thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything. He said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail
them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you," he turned to the bride and said F--- you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for the 300 guest
wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc. This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world, we just live in it.
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You jerk," yells the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbour suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbour suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
2 blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"
A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on petrol so she stops at the petrol station. While she's pumping her petrol, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jemmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blond is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the coat hanger around and around, while the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!!"
Two blondes were working on a house. One, who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely pissed off and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain, and the top is down."
A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms.--------------------------------------------
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a revolver and, the next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while the son played in the water. After a while the boy came up to his mother and said, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So the boy went back to play. Minutes later the boy returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's." The mother said the same thing: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are... " so the boy went back to play. Several minutes later the boy ran back to his mother and said, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got..."
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AUSTRALIAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED-She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
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