“The Friday Aggravate” Friday 8th December 2006

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling....

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's
house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we
were making love on Sunday Morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time
to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued. "He'd still be alive if the soft serve ice cream van hadn't
come along."

Never argue with a fool, people might not be able to tell you apart!

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie
star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent
asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going have to
change your name. "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood
with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will
not be able to represent you. "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said
and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a
letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?
He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I
needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I
refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change
my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would
never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my
appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke”

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 (I don't care who you are, that's funny.)

Now Harry that was a bit over the top!

Aussie Generosity

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Vietnam. Two million Vietnamese have
died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

* The United States is sending troops to help.

* Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
* Latin American countries are sending supplies.
* The small island country New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
* The European community (except France) is sending money.
* The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
The Australians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Vietnamese.

God Bless Our Aussie generosity.

Children's Science Exam:

If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers.
Q: Name the four seasons
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and
canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because
there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

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 Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?(e.g., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium
contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,
E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one)

A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"

A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (Another favourite)

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt
and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in
fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and
asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse
was."

Politically Correct Terms For Females:

Her breasts will never sag, they will lose their vertical hold.
She does not get drunk, she is accidentally over served or she becomes verbally dyslexic.
She does not get PMS, she becomes hormonally homicidal.
She does not hate sports on TV, she is athletically biased.
She does not have a great butt, she is gluteus to the maximus.
She does not have a hard body, she is anatomically inflexible.
She does not have a killer body, she is terminally attractive.
She does not have big hair, she is overly aerosoled.
She does not have big hooters, her cups runneth over.
She does not have great cleavage or a great rack, her breasts are centrally located.
She does not have sexy lips, she is collagen dependent.

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She does not shave her legs, she experiences temporary stubble reduction.
She does not shop too much, she is overly susceptible to marketing ploys.
She does not snore, she is nasally repetitive.
She does not sun bathe, she experiences solar enhancement.
She does not wear too much makeup, she is cosmetically oversaturated.
She does not work out too much, she is an abdominal overachiever.
She does not: Get Drunk, She becomes Verbally Dyslexic
She is not a bad cook, she is microwave compatible.
She is not a bad driver, she is automotively challenged.
She is not a gossip, she is a verbal terminator.
She is not a Perfect 10, she is numerically superior.
She is not cold or frigid, she is thermally incompatible.
She is not easy, she is horizontally accessible.
She is not hooked on soap operas, she is melodramatically fixated.
She is not too skinny, she is skeletally prominent.
She will never gain weight, she will become a metabolic underachiever.
You do not ask her to dance, you request a precoital rhythmic experience.

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Now just to show that the editor is unbiased, try these.

Politically Correct Terms For Males:

He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He does not: Hog the blankets He is: Thermally unappreciative
He is not: Unsophisticated He is: Socially malformed
He does not: Eat like a pig He suffers from: Reverse bulimia
He is not: A sex machine He is: Romantically automated
He is not a: Male chauvinist pig He has: Swine empathy
He is not: Quiet He is a: Conversational minimalist
You do not: Undress him with your eyes You have a: Introspective pornographic moment
He is not: Afraid of commitment He is: Monogamously challenged
He does not have a: Fabulous rear end He has achieved: Buttocks perfection
He is not: Stupid He suffers from: Minimal cranial development
He does not: Get lost all the time He discovers: Alternative destinations
He is not: Balding He is in: Follicle regression
You do not: Buy him a drink You initiate an: Alcohol-For-Conversation exchange
He does not: Fart and belch He is: Gastronomically expressive
His jeans are not: Too tight He is: Anatomically under circulated
He is not a: Redneck He is a: Genetically-related American
You do not: Kiss him you become: Facially conjoined
He is not a: Cradle robber He prefers: Generationally differential relationships
He does not get: Falling down drunk He becomes: Accidentally horizontal
He does not: Act like a total jerk He develops a: Case of rectal-cranial inversion
He is not: Short He is: Anatomically compact
He does not have a: Rich daddy He is a: Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion
He does not: Constantly talk about cars He has a: Vehicular addiction
He does not have a: Hot body He is: Physically combustible

Seeing as how the Australian school year is now only days away, let’s look at the
students of 2006.

Politically Correct Phrases For Students:

No one fails a class any more, they're merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
Kids don't get grounded any more. They merely "hit social speed bumps."
Your homework isn't missing, it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
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You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odour-retentive athletic footwear."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in
the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
It's not called gossip any more. It's "the speedy transmission of
near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively
challenged."

More of the same next week. from Miss Kitten.

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady
playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She
replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He
thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same
request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He
started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and
he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole
behind you!"

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having
an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the Employee's' home phone
number and was greeted with a Child's' whisper.
"Hello?" "Is your daddy home?" he asked. Yes," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No,"
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes," "May
I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No,"
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody
else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with
the policeman?"
"No, he's busy" whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the
phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
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Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter,"
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?
"Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME"

Four retired guys, two from Victoria and two from Canberra, are walking down a street in Sydney. Then they
turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timer's Bar"
"ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!"
They look at each other, and then go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be Gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the 4 men each asked for a martini. In short order, the bartender
serves up 4 iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far
they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender,
"How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for 10 cents a piece?"
"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Wagga Wagga, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the
lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10 cents - wine, spirits, beer, all the
same."
"Wow!! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but
notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything
the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're seniors from Tasmania waiting for happy hour."

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.
Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There
are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." "But," the dog
replied, "that would make no sense at all."

If we're not supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play
music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are
always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Interesting concept that one.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-

term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with
colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well

BONUS QUESTION: IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (GIVES OFF HEAT) OR ENDOTHERMIC

(ABSORBS HEAT)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands
and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

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As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to
Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,
"It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept
with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows
that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh
my God."

The student received the only "A".

George the big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and
roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just
served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from
the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the
heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only
one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to
save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served
the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an
elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she
stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The
old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

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"What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle
of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom
of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra
in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think
you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive".

How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd
still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I
told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and
no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds
show!" And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top
on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can
display my hanging baskets."

A father, son, and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just
as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs
approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf
had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I
work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-colour
stories or do anything that you normally do when playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it,
so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her
shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball
270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron
and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt." Before tapping in
the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honours, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and
it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the
statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less
on every hole.
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When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and has a very nasty
12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I
really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what
this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how
to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute
Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.

"The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line
of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It
will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.

"The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the
kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little
hogback, so it falls into the cup.

The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to
her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car, or mine?"

AGE WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME

The Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do
is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that
should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-
worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS: SAFER: SAFEST: ULTRA SAFE:

What's for dinner? Can I help you with Where would you like to go Here, have some
dinner? for dinner? wine.
Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good WOW! Look at you! Here, have some
in brown! wine
What are you so worked Could we be overreacting? Here's my paycheck. Here, have some
up about? wine.
Should you be eating You know, there are a lot Can I get you a piece of Here, have some
that? of apples left. chocolate with that? wine.
What did you DO all day? I hope you didn't over-do I've always loved you in Here, have some
it today. that robe! more wine.
13Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff

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 and my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect

And to finish on a good note, the Irish take over.

A guy is driving around Belfast when he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and
sees a Labrador dog sitting there.

You talk?" he asks.

Yes," the Lab replies.

So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when was pretty young. I wanted to help the
government, so I told the Police about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eaves
dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around
really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of
puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

Ten pounds," the man says. Ten pounds? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

Because he's a liar! He never did any of that stuff.

That’s it for another week. As usual thank you to all who

recognise their donations to the Aggravate. Remember that it
may take a few weeks for them to appear, but at least if they are
worth it, they will materialise sooner or later.

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