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Ninja Bachelor Party Transcript

Ninja Bachelor Party Transcript

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Published by Farrell McLaughlin
Transcription of the Bill Hicks cult classic film "Ninja Bachelor Party".
Transcription of the Bill Hicks cult classic film "Ninja Bachelor Party".

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Published by: Farrell McLaughlin on Oct 12, 2011
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10/12/2011

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Ninja Bachelor PartyWritten by Bill Hicks & Kevin BoothDirected by Kevin Booth, Bill Hicks & David Johndrow1991 In the beginning there was light, and it was very bright, it warmed the whole planet and there were thousands and billions and billions of people born and all of them lived and flourished and a lot of them had to leave the inner city to find sanctuary in the out-lying areas, known as The Suburbs. One such boy who grewup in this area, was a very bright boy but suffered an addiction, a terrible affliction, and the only way he could find a balance to his harmonious inner yin and yang, dark and light, positive/negative polarities was a ancient Chinese method known as Karate, or Ninja warrior ship and his name was uhhh hmm wasn’t it... (knock knock knock) Mrs. Buzz Mumford: Clarence! Clarence! Your mush is runny and cold to the touch,now come on!Clarence Mumford: Be right there Mom! (smashes mirror) NINJA BACHELOR PARTY Clarence Mumford: Mornin’ Dad, Mornin’ Mom.Mrs. Buzz Mumford: Clarence, what’s that bandage on your hand? What’d you do to yourhand baby?Clarence Mumford: Umm, I think I just slept on it wrong that’s all.Buzz Mumford: Oh, that’s a bunch of flooey, he’s up there practisin’ that karate!Clarence Mumford: Well uh, speakin’ of karate, I have real high hopes upon becoming a ninja warrior.Buzz Mumford: Sweet lambClarence Mumford: No really, I think it would be a fine career for me!Mrs. Buzz Mumford: I wish I was never born to hear the words that are spewing ou
 
t of my son’s mouth at this breakfast table this mornin’!Buzz Mumford: Ha uh uh, good one, first of all son, there is no market for bein’ aninja. Look at the index, they’re down point ten and twenty percent this year! They’re down two percent from last year!Mrs. Buzz Mumford: Good one Buzz, you tell him the truth and you tell him loud and clear! First of all son, I am so disappointed in you and I’m hurtin’, hurtin’ bad!If my ears could bleed, they’d BLEED BLOOD!Buzz Mumford: And I’ll be there to squab ‘em up and blame you my son!Mrs. Buzz Mumford: Blood would spout out of my ears like a plasma sprinkler andI would water the earth with my own dissatisfaction!Buzz Mumford: Good one woman, Speak! Hold nothing back on your offspring!Mrs. Buzz Mumford: And on that day, the world would rise, full of blood, and there would be only me, an empty carcass, floatin’, thinkin’ about the son that disappointed me so!Buzz Mumford: Ninja Warrior! Of all the flooey, of all the hoo la la! Must be the Robutussin talkin’! Cause this doesn’t sound right to me!Mrs. Buzz Mumford: Son, I’m worried about you. You been drinkin’ that Robutussin and your cough was thirteen years ago! I rue the day that I was born that I gave you that cough syrup for which to overcome that itchiness in your throat. Littledid I know that it would become a way of life that would spin you out of controllike some kind of narcoleptic demon! I JUST RUE THE DAY!!!Buzz Mumford: It’s like a murder at our table this mornin’, A MURDER OF ALL HOPE ANDDREAMS!!!Mrs. Buzz Mumford: What’s wrong with my baby? What’s wrong with my baby? WHAT’S WRONGWITH MY BABY!!??Buzz Mumford: Oh Lord, My mush is cold! Clarence leaves by bicycle on his way to his girlfriend Shotsi’s house... Karate Man plays. Karate ManNoone knows who I am. Even in my own home I
 
m a stranger in a strange land.Noone cares what I say. It
 
s all right, gonna show them all one day. Clarence arrives at Shotsi’s house, dismounts his bike, begins walking up the stai
 
rs to her door. (Runs fingers through his hair, pulls ring from his jacket pocket) Clarence Mumford: Shotsi! Shotsi baby, ya hear? It’s me Clarence, I’ve had a hard day! Honey? Honey? (Opens door) Honey? I need to feel your warm embrace.. Ohhhh maaaannnn!Shotsi: (In bed with 3 other guys) Clarence!Clarence Mumford: Ohhh mannn!Shotsi: What are you doing here? I told you to call me before you came over so Icould tell you not to!Mr. Doom: (burps) Who is this guy?Shotsi: That’s Clarence, he’s a Robutussin drinker..Mr. Doom: Clarence? Bring it on sweet meat! Bring it on! Meet Mr. Doom! Huh Ha!I’m gonna bust a cap! Clarence leaves Shotsi’s by bike sporting new bandage on head and travels until hesees a sign on a pole advertising... Dr. Death M.D.Ninja GrandmasterteachingPhysical Fitness+Senseless Killings Clarence removes sign and travels on his bike straight to Dr.Death’s abode. I’m gonna be a Karate Man..

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