M y E n g l i s h t e a c h e r freshman year

had a poster with the words

“How do you live your life when nobody’s watching?”
In my opinion, it is those times
when you walk into a person’s home unexpectedly,
the times when someone looks up from their daily habits
with slightly reddened cheeks of embarrassment and
gets up to greet you
that you can truly see into their world.
And from those few awkward moments,
those brief seconds of silence,
you can learn so much about a person.

T h i s w a s t h e c a s e as I walked into
the home of the Martins last September.
Mrs. Martin had left a message wondering
if I could baby-sit their nine-year-old
during Andrew’s football game.
I eagerly agreed, as I was low on cash,
and I didn’t have plans, anyway.
Not to mention potential baby-pictures might be lying around
Showing Andrew’s intense green eyes
Or rugged blondish hair.

1
They didn’t have a door-bell
And the door was already opened a crack
So I called in,
“Mrs. Martin, it’s me, Kathi”
There was no reply so
I walked in cautiously
To see Andrew with his gorgeous hair
Mangled beneath him
And entangled
In navy blue headsets
And music so loud I could hear the base-line
And I could tell that he was asleep
I didn’t know if I should wake him
He certainly wasn’t dressed for football
Mrs. Martin did ask me to come at five
didn’t she?
She shuffled out of the kitchen
In high-heels
Her hair neatly tied back
Who wears high-heels to a football game?
“Oh Kathi, I thought I heard you coming,
Annie’s upstairs in her room,
You can head on up.”
“Uh… okay”
I said. Still slightly startled
From my glimpse into Andrew’s living room
As I took the stairs by twos
I could hear Mrs. Martin calling out to Andrew
That he better be ready to leave.
Ha.

2
 Yes my name is Kathi.
And no I’m not Hindu and my parents didn’t come from the ghetto
I’m not really sure why my parents named me this
But that’s my name
Kathi
Like it or not
I’m stuck with it for the rest of my life
Well unless I change it or something
But I don’t plan to
Because wouldn’t that be kind of weird to one day
Wake up and respond to some other name?
I guess sometimes
I think it’s almost neat to have such a strange name
Except when people pronounce it with a long I
Because yeah that’s my name, Kath-I

3
Annie’s room was pink
And I mean really pink
She had curls, and Andrew’s same eyes
Green as uh…grass?
What else is green anyway?
She had dark black glasses
Which would look emo on anyone but her
with her springy blonde hair
and denim skirt,
she was far from emo.
She gave me a big hug
though I barely knew her
except for some block party we had years ago
Maybe nine-year-olds like to give hugs
I don’t think I did
It doesn’t seem that long ago
Though it was almost half my life ago, actually…
“Can you help me with my geography?”
She asked sweetly, like sugar
“Uhm I can try.”
I replied. I’m not exactly an A student.
It’s been B’s and C’s since 6th grade.
It’s not quite that I don’t care.
It’s just that I don’t care quite enough maybe.
“Okay, Annie, what’s the capitol of Bolivia?”
I know for a fact that I never learned this in 4th grade
“Suchre.”
It turns out she’s in some gifted program
And they learn the state capitols next week.
Some of those I actually might know.
I wonder if Andrew’s secretly just as smart.

4
After about 20 other countries
We plopped down on the couch
Turned on the TV
And ate out of a carton of ice-cream
Before dinner
I guess maybe that makes me a bad babysitter
But my ex-boyfriend’s mother
Once took us out for ice-cream in the mid-afternoon
So it must be okay

Yeah right,
He dumped me for a girl with a motorcycle and a
tattoo
Of vines
Going all the way down
To her butt
And everyone knew it because
She wore these shirts that only covered her front
She was deemed the “slut” of our class
And sadly, I think she took pride in that.

5
Annie and I watched True Life on MTV
It was about people who had OCD
And I sort of wondered if
My obsessive counting to 5
And flickering the light switch 10 times before
Walking into my bedroom
Put me on the borderline for this disease
Annie seemed more interested in her ice-cream than the show
But I just couldn’t bring myself to switch it to Invader Zim
Or Jimmy Neutron
Or whatever else was paying on Nickelodeon.
Again, I think I was the worst babysitter ever.
The show was really interesting,
and I realized how much I liked documentaries
But not the ones we watched in Latin class
that made me fall asleep almost every time
My best friend Sarah sat next to me
And Andrew sat in front
Putting me in perfect view of his just-got-out-of bed
Blonde curls
Not the kind of just-got-out-of-bed look they have in magazines
Where people actually try to get that look.
I’m sure Andrew really just got out of bed
And I wouldn’t put it behind him
to show up in Batman pajama-bottoms
He does seem to like to sleep
I bet he has Batman pajamas

6
Afterwards I got started on dinner
Which was just macaroni-and-cheese
But I couldn’t even think about food
After half-a-pint of Rocky Road.
Annie was on the phone with her “boyfriend”
Another aspect of 4th grade that I certainly didn’t remember
Isn’t the age of dating supposed to go up with time?
Because the death age goes up too?
I knew this from Mr. Frick’s history class
Pocahontas was really 13 and bald too
I found that amusing.
And also she discovered how to grow hybrid tobacco.
Try putting that in a kids movie.
Annie said, “No, I love you more”
Half a million times
And I wondered if nine year olds could even begin to fathom
what love is.
And I wondered…why I’d been so lonely
For so very long.

7
There were a couple of photos of Andrew around the house
Mostly ones of him and Annie, dressed in black
In those formal family portrait type things
The kind my family never could have
Since I’m the only child
Though I’m not complaining
Andrew was incredibly handsome
Especially in the football pictures
With his helmet in his hand
And showing off his broad shoulders
Which are only broadened with his wide shoulder-pads
A guy like him would never date a girl like me
A girl who snorts when she laughs too hard
And likes to watch documentaries
When I got to high school I didn’t think the football players date
The skinny cheerleaders stereotype would be true
And yet it is
Sarah did date one once though
And she’s certainly not a cheerleader
And certainly not skinny either
But he was just a punter
So he barely ever got to play
And I would know
Since Sarah insisted on dragging me along
to every single game of the season
And I like football as much as the next girl
Which is not a whole lot
Most girls went to parties after the games
Where there would be booze and cigarettes and marijuana
I wouldn’t go even if I was ever invited
And I wonder why Andrew would never date me

8
 My mom always said I was a pretty girl

But everyone knows that doesn’t really mean much of anything

I have long dark hair

It’s almost black

And I usually wear in two braids

Or sometimes I’ll sleep with it wet

And it’ll be curly the next day

I tried straightening it once with Sarah’s straightener

and it was quite unusual

since my hair is already down to my but

my eyes are hazel and

I often wondered what that’s supposed to mean

Does it really mean they’re mostly brown with little specks of yellow and
green and gray?

I have a lot of freckles and I’m super-tall

6 foot 1 to be exact.
Andrew was really tall though too, taller than me
I didn’t know why I couldn’t stop thinking about Andrew
Well I guess it was because I spent so much time in his house
But it’s not like I had a crush on him or anything.

9
 Annie went to bed at nine
Which seemed early to me, but I guess not.
I took Wuthering Heights out of my book bag
Which was required curriculum for all 10th graders
But even my teacher hated it
So basically it spanned two generations of this love triangle
And people got sick a lot
And there was this mean gypsy guy named Heathcliff
Who bought the estate and tries to control everyone
Not such an amazing plot.
I, personally, liked Catcher in the Rye much better
Holden was a much more believable character
Even if he was a bit insane
And thought everyone is ‘phony’
He could potentially have a point there.

10
Mr. and Mrs. Martin came home just after ten
I guess they went out to eat or something.
I was glad I hadn’t quite fallen asleep
Which I often did when reading novels for English
“So how much do I owe you?”
asked Mr. Martin with a low grumble
with just a hint of neighborly friendliness
I’d never met him before.
“Uhm…it’s up to you”
I replied, shyly
I was sort of shy
though according to my mom I wasn’t when I was little
“How’s $25 sound?”
“Perfect.”
It wasn’t a far walk home
But Mrs. Martin insisted on my bringing a flashlight
When I got home, my mom was asleep as she so often was
My dad was sitting
in front of the TV screen
with a bowl of popcorn.
I put my $25 into the piggy bank I’d had since I was five
And put on my silk pajamas
My ex had bought me for my birthday
That albeit were a little bit revealing
Which my mom dismissed as utterly inappropriate
But they were still really comfy

11
My Sundays were always really lazy days
After coming home from church
Of lounging around in my pajamas
Renting movies to watch by myself
And making Latin flashcards
No one ever called me on Sundays
And I never called anyone else either
So I was slightly taken off guard when the phone rang
And I answered after my standard three rings
To head Mrs. Martin saying how much Annie enjoyed last night
And wouldn’t I like to come over again next Saturday too?
“Why yes, yes I would, Mrs. Martin.”
“I’ll see you then.”
“Goodbye”
Yet another chance to be catapulted into the world of the Martins
With all their green-eyed splendor
This I was looking forward to
Even if it did involve Rocky Road and True Life marathons
And rather than brainstorm ways to memorize the declensions of
‘omnis’ for Latin
I brainstormed ways of learning more about Andrew,
Though no, I did not have a crush on him
I was simply interested.

12
On Monday I saw Andrew at school
And I swear he looked at me
for a second longer than seemed normal
but I’m not saying I minded much
I was very unprepared for my Latin test
And I had to make up the declensions for third person adjectives
My mind was elsewhere
And Sarah kept asking me if I was alright
“Yeah, of course.”
History and algebra, and gym and even lunch seemed to drag on forever
and ever and ever
I couldn’t wait for Saturday though it was still Monday
And Saturday was a long way away
After school Sarah and I went to a track meet
It was at home
We don’t actually know any of the athletes personally
But a lot of them are pretty attractive
And sometimes, if we get really, really lucky
They walk around shirtless
The most fun to watch is the hurdles
They seem so high
So insurmountable
And yet there they go

Jumping over each one with ease.

13
On Thursday I had a meeting for our school’s literary magazine
It’s called “Flying”
It’s basically a bunch of teenage-angsty poems with a picture or
A drawing
Interspersed.
I’m the ‘literary editor’
but I usually have to take over at the meetings
Because the ‘editor-in-chief’ is rarely there
And even when he was
He really didn’t have a clue what he was doing.
He’s wasn’t there that day, not to my surprise
We started by reading a poem about a homemaker who gets abused by her
husband
We read each poem three-times, I guess so that it sinks in.
The principal probably wouldn't have let us put that one in the book
But I figured let’s vote on it anyway.
I gave it a 1 out of 3, because it seemed a little violent
And I really hoped it didn’t make it in
Because I really didn’t want to have to talk to Mr. Liam
Almost everyone else gave it a 3.
Almost everyone else
was dressed in black and had side-swept bangs, though.
Except Sarah, who rolled her eyes at a chorus of “3”’s
She doesn’t know much about poetry
But even she knew why I wished “The Darkest Night”
Was getting a much lower score.

14
At long last Saturday came
And throughout school I could think
of nothing more than going to the Martins
After school I made myself a turkey sandwich on rye bread
And packed my bag
Then I headed over to the Martin’s,
remembering to bring back their flashlight
And hoping they at least closed their door this time
But sort of also hoping they didn’t.

They didn’t.

“Annie, Mr. and Mrs. Miller? It’s Kathi…”

“Oh hi, Kathi.”
It’s him.
Andrew.
Who I did not have a crush on.
Wearing boxers.
I felt like I just died and went to heaven.
He didn’t seem to be too expedient
in getting ready for football games.

I could see his cheeks slowly turn a deep shade of pink.

Didn’t he know I was coming?

Besides his cheeks, he didn’t
show any other signs of embarrassment
And didn’t bother to make any excuses.

“Um…hey Andrew, is Annie upstairs?”

“She’s down in the playroom.”
“Okay.”

15
Down in the playroom Annie was sitting cross legged with her geography
notebook.
This kid was really studious, studying on Saturdays and all.
“Capitols again?”
“State capitols this time.”
“Let me see.”

“Louisiana?”
“Baton Rouge.”
“Kansas?”
“Topeka.”
“Maine?”
“Augusta.”
“Kentucky?”
“Frankfort.”

“Great job.”
Then I saw the home movies sitting in the open cabinet.
Andrew’s first birthday.
Trip to Cape Cod.
Annie’s dance recital.
Andrew’s pre-school graduation.
Andrew’s pre-school graduation.
That was a movie I wouldn’t mind seeing.
“Hey, Annie, you think we can watch one of those home movies?”
“Oh those are boring.”
“Please?”
Worst babysitter.
Ever.

16
 The movie we saw was entitled “Christmas with Gran.”
It was no “Andrew’s pre-school graduation”
But it was still pretty amazing
As Annie tore open an oddly shaped present
that turned out to be a doll
Andrew was spinning in circles
His blonde curls flying about
And his eyes, piercing
“My turn!” he shrieked with delight
He got some G-I-Joes
And I have never seen a kid happier,
Smiling from ear-to-ear
So maybe I had a teeny-tiny crush on him.

When Annie went to bed,

I popped in “Andrew’s pre-school graduation”
As he accepted his diplomas in his gown and hat
He looked so cute
Adorable.
And then he was standing behind me
“Um…” was all he said
Well, this was awkward
Now my cheeks were the pink ones
Just in the nick of time, Mr. and Mrs. Martin walked in
I slid the $25 into my pocket and walked home
No flashlight this time.

17
I couldn’t look at him in school Monday
And when we got assigned a project together in history
I could absolutely die.

Research the industrial revolution.

Do an oral presentation.
Oh God.

He looked at me nervously as he turned his desk towards me

“Where do we start?”
“Well, we need a topic I guess.”
“How about medicine?” I asked, looking away from him
“Cool, I want to be a doctor so, that’s cool.”
Wow, he wants to be a doctor
How about that secretly smart theory of mine
We read about small pox, and vaccinations, and Edward Jenner
And the bell rang.
And that was day one.
Not so bad.

18
But I still dreaded going to history
For every minute of economics
The teacher was talking about supply and demand
The teacher is always talking about supply and demand.

We broke of into our partners in history

And started writing our speech
“So should we read every other card?” he asked gently
and tapped my shoulder, because my mind was elsewhere
I’ll never wash this shoulder again.
Okay so that’s a bit of an exaggeration

So we wrote and we practiced

“Uh, my mom was wondering if you could come Saturday again.”
The thought of another Saturday after last, itself,
was embarrassing
“Yeah, you have another football game?”
“Uh no…a party. And my parents are going out for dinner.”
“Oh okay.”
I wondered if he got drunk, or did pot
Maybe.
I had the burning desire to ask him
But didn’t.

He must think I’m the biggest loser ever

to not be going to the party.

I had heard about it, Julie Schmitz’s 16th birthday. I actually was invited;
I’d be surprised if there was anyone in the school not invited.

Well except Eddy Jansen, who picked his nose

Or the girl who wore the shirts that only covered her front

But I didn’t like getting drunk or getting high.

19
 Sarah on the other hand was a bit of a different story.
She could drink herself into oblivion when and if she wanted to.
Which was frequently.
She was always begging me to go to these parties.
And I never did.
She hooked up with guys while she was buzzed sometimes.
That’s what she called it- buzzed.
Because four beers was not ‘drunk’ to her.
Andrew didn’t strike me as the kind to drink.
Though most football players did.
Not to mention the cheerleaders.
If I went to one of there parties I would find out if he did.
But I didn’t plan on it.
I planned on babysitting for Annie.
And working on the history presentation while I was there.
Who would want the feeling of not knowing what you’re doing.
Of complete inhibition.
And waking up the next morning.
Hung-over.
With an awful headache.
And not passing dad’s sniff test.
That’s not exactly my idea of a good time.

20
Saturday came quickly
And I was faced yet again with the open door of the Martins
This time Andrew wasn’t in sight
And I breathed a sigh of relief
Though I’m not saying I would have minded
seeing him in his boxers again
I could hear Annie upstairs so I went on up
Calling a “Hello” to Mrs. Martin
I was feeling more comfortable in this strange house by now
There were no capitols to memorize this week
So I got started on dinner, which was spaghetti
We rarely ate spaghetti in my house
My mom is ‘carb-conscious’
So it was a treat
I got even more of a treat when I was wondering the upstairs halls
After Annie had gone to bed early
8:00
My god, she was an angel child
Then I saw it
Andrew’s bedroom
Navy blue walls, band tee-shirts strewn about,
and an autographed football
Oh God, I shouldn’t go in.
Talk about being a bad babysitter
This was worse than perusing the medicine cabinet,
Which I never quite understood the purpose of
I went in; I know I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help it
The walls looked bluer inside, but I didn’t dare turn on a light
There was a dim light from the moon
Making the small locked book at his bedside unmistakable
Next to a book entitled “How to Get a Date in 20 Days,”
was the key.
That book would be great blackmail
Not that I had any reason to blackmail Andrew

21
Monday, October 5th

Dear Diary,
(Oh my God, how cute.)
Today was fairly uneventful. Latin was boring as ever and I can’t believe
my mom won’t let me drop that class.
(My mom won’t, either.)
Tom and Angelica seem to be moving pretty fast for two weeks into their
relationship. He told me they went to second base already. She was
drunk though, I’m assuming.
(That’s gossip to tell Sarah on Monday.)
We got partners in history, and I’m with Kathi, this really pretty girl.
(I guess my mom was right.)
(Oh my God, did Andrew Martin just say I was pretty?!)
She’s one of the smart kids and would never date someone like me.
(That’s not true.)
I mean I may not know how to prove theorems in geometry but that doesn’t
mean I’m stupid.
(Theory= correct.)
I guess it’s just the whole football players are dumb stereotype.
Write more tomorrow.
(Who actually says that?)
Imagine him walking in now.
I would die.

22
I fell asleep on the couch,
but woke up to the sound of
Mr. and Mrs. Martin bursting through the door
They were certainly drunk
Mr. Martin at first gave me a hundred dollar bill instead of a
twenty, which I corrected
And Andrew was still out partying
Which I was partly disappointed about
But partly I knew I wouldn’t have been able to face him after
Reading his diary
Bursting in to his secret life
How he lives when no one else is watching
I had put everything back exactly where it had been
And I walked home, no flashlight
Mom asleep, dad on the couch,
Just as always,
With a new thought in my head about Andrew
The boy who thought I was pretty.

23
I must have slept with my braids in that night
because as I woke up for church Sunday morning,
my hair was tousled
And curly
And almost looked okay
So I put on some brown pants
And a pink shirt
There was a possibility of seeing the Martins
who sometimes went to service,
so I wanted to look my best
And not for Annie.
So I put on some eye-liner
And lip-gloss
And got in the car.

We always sat next to Sarah’s family,

they were usually there earlier
So they saved us part of their pew

Our moms had been friends for as long as we were

Sarah’s hair was messy, and she sort of had bags under her eyes
She definitely had been drinking
Did she go to the party last night and not tell me?
That wouldn’t be like her
The priest started his sermon and I whispered to her,
“Did you go to Julie’s party last night?”
“You could tell? Didn’t I mention it to you?”
“Um...no”
“Well anyway, I hooked up with that ex of yours, Peter”
Sarah!! I wanted to scream at her. Then I regained my composure.
This was church after all
“Tell me everything.”

24
“Well I was drunk, obviously.
And he came on to me.
I swear.
And as soon as I have time to realize it,
we’re kissing in some room
I think it was Julie’s parents’ bedroom.”

“Dear Lord…”
I probably shouldn’t say that in church…
“And then he took my shirt off.”

“My God, Sarah”

Oops, again
I mean I knew she wouldn’t have sex or anything though
“We just went to second…and third
And he tried to get my pants off- but I finally came to.”

“Uhm, good thing”

“And he drove me home,
though I doubt he was more sober than I was”
Sarah never gets ‘drunk’
“I can’t believe you hooked up with my ex
I just can’t believe it.”
“I’m sorry, it’s not like you still like him though, right?”

Ew, no
I wanted to tell her about Andrew, find out about his night
But I didn’t.

25
Our history presentation went alright
We got a B
I always get B’s
Our points off were for eye-contact
No one wants to be looked at anyway
With the exception maybe of the teacher
But even then, I wondered
Oh, and he started talking to me in Latin class
Mostly about how much we hated it, or what the homework was
But every once in a while,
I saw his cheeks flush
And I remembered that this was the boy
Who said I was pretty
Or told his diary so.
I often twirled my hair, unintentionally
I guess you could say I was flirting
Until Mr. Ashton told me to stop picking up boys
He thought he was a wise-ass

And that snapped me back to Latin class.

26
Sarah wanted me to go to a party with her on Friday
Mrs. Martin hadn’t asked me to baby-sit
so I didn’t have that excuse
I didn’t really have much excuse at all
Except reading Wuthering Heights
And something told me Sarah wasn’t exactly going to buy that
So I finally caved and decided to go with her
How bad could it be?
I guess
Not that I was looking forward to it
But it was a sure bet that Andrew would be there
The boy who thought I was pretty
Okay

The boy who I had a major crush on.

I thought about dancing with him

And being close to him
And maybe even kissing him
I thought about it
All the way until Friday night
Well he probably wanted to kiss me too
Didn’t he?

That thought was just about enough to kill me.

27
 Friday couldn’t come soon enough.
I had picked out a little black skirt and bright blue tank top
Sort of turquoise
Sarah claimed it wouldn’t be too fancy
But I wanted to look nice
I pulled my skirt down a little bit
as I saw Sarah’s mom’s gray sedan
roll down the driveway
“Bye, mom!”
I called out as I locked the door behind me
“Bye, sweetie…”
She replied, sleepily
I plopped down in the back-seat
Eyeballing Sarah’s tight black pants
And too-casual tight tee-shirt

This was going to be one hell of a night

I didn’t intend on drinking
And I most certainly planned on not getting high

Well at least I kept one of those promises.

28
The party was at a big house
With streamers and loud music
And booze
I’ve never really liked to dance
Because I always feel like people are looking at me
To my surprise I saw the girl who only wears half-shirts
across the room
But no sign of Andrew.
Sarah headed right for the beer with a quiet
“Be right back.”
So there I was,
All alone,
Cast aside,
I almost felt like crying.

Then I saw Andrew and my heart lit up.

When Sarah came back with the beer
She could tell I’d been staring
“Kathi, Are you eying up Andrew Martin?”
She asked suspiciously

“Well…”
I replied
He was walking towards me
I was sure he was going to talk to some pretty girl behind me
But I was wrong.

“Hey Kath,”
he started, confidently
I was the pretty girl.

And no one ever calls me ‘Kath’.

29
 I
Was
Paralyzed
By emotion
As Sarah handed
Me a beer it all seemed
So natural, like I went partying
Every weekend. Always drank Bud Light
Always talked to boys who were football players
With gorgeous green eyes and beautiful blonde hair
Who think I’m pretty. “How’s it going?” he asked. “Good, you?”
“Good, so this is pretty boring, right?” “I guess so,” I said softly
and wonder if that’s really the right answer. “Do you think we can turn on
the TV in the other room? Or is that like rude or something?” He asked.
He had the cutest smile.
“Nah, I think that’s perfectly acceptable.”
I replied, and I couldn’t believe
What I was doing.
Sitting on
The
Couch
That’s worn out
With Andrew Martin
Drinking a beer
And watching
True Life.

30
“You like True Life?” I asked.
“I love documentaries.”

This is too good to be true.

“It helps me get out of my world and realize
that everything doesn’t revolve around me.”
“Mmhmm,” I replied, dreamily.

This is too good to be true.

And he inched closer to me on the couch
And I could have absolutely died.
His hand slowly crept on to my knee.

This is too good to be true.

The topic was sex-addicts
Which made it sort of awkward.
It didn’t show anything too graphic,
But it was certainly enough to laugh over together.

This is too good to be true.

I had sort-of a buzz at this point
And I felt sort-of guilty
But it felt sort-of good
And I felt his hands on my shoulders

This is too good to be true.

And he leaned in
And I felt like I was lifting off the ground
As his soft, delicate lips hit mine
And he closed his beautiful green eyes
And kissed me
The gentlest, most tender kiss
I have ever received.

This is way too good to be true.

31
 Sarah
Walked in
And we weren’t
Kissing right then but
We were cuddling and
He had his arm around me
And we were giggling about True Life
And we were talking about football and “Flying”
And I resented Sarah for walking in on this picture-perfect
Moment between me and Andrew Martin. The couch was comfy
But even comfier was his soft warm hand on my shoulder.
Sarah said her mom was there so I had to go.
So I kissed Andrew on the cheek and said
“hope I see you tomorrow
in your boxers, again,”
because Mrs. Martin had asked
yet again for me to baby-sit the next day.
And he snapped back,
“Have fun watching
my pre-school
graduation.”

And I knew my cheeks were turning red,

but somehow I didn’t care quite so much.

32
My dad was out, so I didn’t have to deal with
any sniff tests
Luckily
And my mom was asleep, of course
Not that she would care too much
I picked out an outfit for tomorrow
Just a tee-shirt that was slightly tighter than
my others
But still not as tight as Sarah’s last night
She told me it was a rather uneventful party
for her
“I knew you had a thing for him,” she accused
after she saw me kiss him on the cheek
The car-ride home I had felt comfy,
And warm,
And in love
With this boy I barely knew,
Besides the feeling of his body near mine.
The boy who loved documentaries.

33
As soon as I walked into the Martin’s house I didn’t ask for Annie,
I went looking for Andrew.
He was sitting on the living-room couch in his football gear
And he looked incredibly cute
Before I knew it I was right there next to him,
And with a simple “Hey, Kath”
My lips and his are one
And I am wishing that I could stay there forever
Until his parents walk in
We weren’t kissing anymore, fortunately
Though we were sitting awfully close
But luckily
Mrs. Martin didn’t even give me so much as a suspicious look.
“Annie’s downstairs tonight, Kathi”
“Okay”
There is no need to remind myself how bad of a babysitter I am,
I thought as I inconspicuously wiped the dampness from my lips
As soon as she left, Andrew grabbed his helmet and gave me
A sweet kiss on the forehead
And I winked, in a strained attempt to seem cute or cool or something
And took the stairs down to the playroom two at a time
Feeling particularly lighthearted.

34
It was later than the time I usually got there
So within a few minutes I had to get started making dinner which
was chicken nuggets that had cheese in them
That was definitely something you would never find in
my freezer in a million years
We ate and watched Full House and I then
attempted to read Wuthering Heights, to
no avail, while Annie instant
messaged her friends
She eventually went to
bed which meant
full reign of
the house
which was a
frightening thought as
this was now my boyfriend’s
house. Well, was he really my
boyfriend? I didn’t know. In my mind I rushed
upstairs, unlocked the diary and read all about our
“hook-up” at the party. I found out whether he considered
me his girlfriend, and I left no question unanswered. In reality,
my eyes were glued to Andrew’s First Birthday which was an
exciting adventure about a one-year old getting cake all over his face, and
his parents helping him open presents. Half of which were wooden blocks.

But damn, those eyes.

35
 And then there’s Trip to the beach
Vacation with the cousins
First day of school
Andrew’s fourth birthday
Andrew’s first tee-ball game
The Christmas Pageant

Wait, what time is it?

I grabbed the phone with my feet
And dialed the emergency number Mrs. Martin had given me, that was
Neatly tucked in my pocket

“Hello?” answered a voice that seemed rushed and nervous

“Hey, this is Kathi, I was just wondering what time you’d be back” I
responded, trying to sound as calm as possible
to balance out Mrs. Martin’s rushed tones.
It’s 12:37.
“Oh honey, we’re at the hospital,” was all she offered, still sounding
uneasy
I hoped Andrew was okay
Sports can be so dangerous
“Oh okay,” I responded, equally uneasy at this point, “I can stay the night
if you want”
“Oh honey you wouldn’t mind?”
“Of course not”
“You can grab some pajamas from my room if you’d like. Oh Kathi, thank
you so much, this makes things so much easier for me”
“No problem”
“I’ll be there first thing in the morning. Bye”
Click
“Uhm, bye?”

36
 I phoned my mom who inquired about where the Martins had gone
But didn’t seem to mind or worry about my spending the night
I tiptoed up the creaky wooden stairs, slowly
As to not wake Annie
I opened Mr. Martin’s drawer
first, by accident, and then Mrs. Martin’s
I saw some lingerie that I could have done without seeing
But then found a pair of flannel pajamas that looked comfy
If not entirely too large. I decided to keep my tee-shirt on because it
Was comfortable enough, and to be perfectly honest it was
Flattering in case Andrew was to see me in the morning.
I went to bed thinking up every possible injury
That could happen to my Andrew
A broken foot, a twisted wrist
And soon I was
Asleep.

I
Woke
Up with the
Print of the couch on
My arm, and a slightly worried
Feeling, though I knew the Martins had
Returned, for I could hear Mrs. Martin cooking.
Andrew was sitting in the dining room, unhurt, doing algebra homework
It seemed he did have the same work-ethic as his baby sister. Mrs. Martin
Offered me pancakes, and though I told her I couldn’t say, her begging,
and the amazing aroma, and okay, Andrew’s pleading looks
Enticed me to stay for breakfast. I wondered
Where Mr. Martin was, or maybe if
He had a job where people
Worked on Saturdays.
Breakfast was
Dismal.

Except for the kiss that Andrew and I snuck in right before I left.
37
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