Family Issue(s)

Editors-in-Chief
Sam Knowles
Amelia Stanton
Managing Editor of
Features
Charles Pletcher
Managing Editor of Arts &
Culture
Jennie Young Carr
Managing Editor of
Lifestyle
Jane Brendlinger
Features Editors
Zo Hoffman
Emily Spinner
Arts & Culture Editors
Clayton Aldern
Tyler Bourgoise
Lifestyle Editors
Jen Harlan
Alexa Trearchis
Pencil Pusher
Phil Lai
Chief Layout Editor
Clara Beyer
Aesthetic Mastermind
Lucas Huh
Copy Chiefs
Julia Kantor
Justine Palefsky
Staff Wrter
Berit Goetz
Copy Editors
Lucas Huh
Kristina Petersen
Allison Shar
Blake Ceci
Nora Trice
Chris Anderson
CONTENTS
6
16
issues we have with our families
issues our families have with us
meet the parent// lifestyle 6
old habits die hard // clayton aldern
the sex talk // lifestyle
7
mo money, mo problems // zo hoffman 8
that damn exchange rate // amelia stanton 10
roing with mom // emeritus 11
family weekend, sans family // charles pletcher
12 alcoholidays // jane brendlinger
13third wheeling // jennie young carr
14family football fun // kate doyle
any new boys??? // amelia stanton 15
son, why? // arts & culture
love dont cost a thing // lifestyle 16
sexpowergod exposed // emeritus
tactfully navigating on-campus housing // clayton aldern and
gopika krishna
17
i thought you liked economics! // clara beyer 18
stayin warm // jennie young carr
why do all of your courses have stupid names?// sam knowles 19
interruptus // phil lai 23
im only a lesbian on stage // jen harlan 25
i am a pole dancer. i empower women. // emeritus
s/nc: slacker/no competence // zo hoffman 26
damn hippies // charles pletcher 20
hello, goodbye // jen harlan 27
johnny - no more trix, please eat salad // tyler bourgoise
a grand old time // emeritus 24
NAKED PHOTO
Shakespeare on the Green presents The Tempest
Thursday, Friday, Saturday at 8 pm
Saturday, Sunday at 2 pm
Family Weekend is a time of reckoning. More weeks have passed than we
care to admit since we made our fateful new-semester vows. As our parents
come to fatten us up and decry the state of our rooms, we must ask ourselves
other frightening questions: What have we accomplished? Are we making
good use of our time here? Have we done anything at all?
We at Post- can say only one thing with certainty: We have made a maga-
zine. It is longer than we anticipated, and it sits before you a full week earlier
than expected. But as we eye over these 32-odd glossy pages, we experi-
ence a sense of delight thats rather rare in the life of a Brown student: We
have something to show for our hard work. Something that we can hold in our
hands.
For Family Issue(s), weve devoted our pages to the problems our families
have with Brown (no grades? naked people? theatrical lesbianism?) and the
issues we have with our parents (I dont want to talk about jobs! or boyfriends!
or the value of my English degree!). These issues, weve observed, have a
funny knack for popping up on occasions such as this one.
We hope you enjoy what weve put together. Maybe it will make you laugh a
little. And for you, dear parents, welcome to College Hill. Please, take some
time with this. It should be illuminatingperhaps even enlightening.
Until next time,
sam and amelia
LETTER FROM THE EDITORS
cover // phil lai
dinosaur // phil lai
the sex talk // anonymous
mo money, mo problems //
anish gonchigar
that damn exchange rate //
madeleine denman
alcoholidays // phil lai
third wheeling // kirby lowen-
stein
family football fun // adela wu
son, why? // caleb weinreb
sexpowergod exposed // phil
lai
tactfully navigating on-campus
housing // caroline washburn
stayin warm // sheila sitaram
why do all of your courses have
stupid names? // sheila sitaram
damn hippies // kah yangni
semper nudum // marissa ilardi
a grand old time // adela wu
interruptus // phil lai
s/nc: slacker/no competence
// phil lai
johnny - no more trix, please eat
salad // lucas huh
ILLUSTRATORS
issues we have
6
FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
Meet the Parent
My boyfriends mom
is, in a word, crazy. Not
an Im-terrified-of-you-
because-you-may-snap
sort of crazy, but more
like a someone-replaced-
her-blood-with-cocaine
crazya mile-a-minute
intensity that makes my
head spin after every en-
counter.
Alex and I have been
together since we woke up
in my bed, fully clothed,
the third week of fresh-
man year. This means that
for the past three years his
mother has been a hover-
ing, buzzing noise in the
back of my mind, an un-
avoidable force of nature,
and a woman whose ap-
proval I desperately de-
sire.
Its not that she doesnt
like me. In fact, this past
weekend, she exuberantly
declared during lunch (for
which I spent two hours
choosing an outfit), We
love Catherine! So I know
she likes me but heres
the issue: Shes sort of
perfect, and I am decid-
edly not.
Tall, thin, and gor-
geous, this woman is the
mistress of an undeni-
able exuberance for living
that completely exhausts
me. Her eyes dart up and
down my personage with
a sharp, overly-interested
gaze, and her speech is
colored by the assumption
that everyone on earth ap-
preciates honesty and en-
ergy as much as she does.
But while her adherence
to honesty sounds great
at face value, the com-
bination often results in
interchanges such as the
following:
Me (emerging from
the bathroom at her house
dressed in a sundress to
go out with Alexs fam-
ily): Hey, is Alex dressed
to go?
Her (smiling and giv-
ing me the once-over,
ignoring my question):
Honey, Im not sure you
should wear that dress to
dinner youre so short,
and your breasts are just
so big, so when you wear
dresses that shape, you
look round.
Me (stammers, blush-
es)
Her (grabbing my arm
and dragging me to her
bedroom): Lets take a
look in my closet.
The problem is that
Alexs mom believes that
she is helping me when
she says insensitive things
like this. Her loving, Ener-
gizer Bunny mind values
honesty so highly that at
times she seems incapable
of practicing tact and em-
pathy. As a result, for the
past three years I have
been constantly on edge
around his family, com-
pletely obsessed with im-
pressing the woman who
has already made such a
large impact on the life of
the guy I love.
But hey, in the end, I
have to count my blessings.
First of all, I am one of the
few whove managed to
maintain a long-distance,
monogamous relationship
during (so far) an entire
college career. I also know
that Alexs mom approves
of me, and Ive had won-
derful experiences hang-
ing out with her. And lets
not forget that she has wel-
comed me into her home
so completely that when I
visit I stay in Alexs room
(and enjoy everything that
comes along with, ahem,
sleeping together) and
theres none of that awk-
ward yes-I-am-banging-
your-son drama. This
woman may be a hum-
mingbird on crack, but in
the end, we get along.
Unfortunately, Alex
isnt nearly as close to my
dad as I am to his mom.
I recall a certain moment
after he and my parents
moved me on to campus
this year when my dad,
clearing his throat, shuf-
fled awkwardly from side
to side and asked in an
uncharacteristically gruff
voice, Uh, so, wheres he
sleeping tonight?
lifestyle
top ten
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
People Were
Glad Arent
Our Parents
Casey Anthony.
A wolf pack.
Weston Cage.
Medea.
Horatio Alger.
Martha Stewart.
The Blue Man
Group.
Kim Jong Il
Darth Vader.
Octomom.
with our families
7 FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
The Sex Talk
lifestyle
I never got the sex talk.
That awkward parental mo-
ment when your mother takes
you aside and says, When
two people love each other
or Men and women are like
puzzle pieces or Well, no,
you dont always have to make
a baby
I feel cheated. I never got
to witness that discomfort,
hear the practically audible
ellipses, feign misunderstand-
ing or prolong the embarrass-
ment with invasive questions:
So how many partners have
you had?
But aside from the fun I
missed out on in a landmark
conversation, I often wonder
how this breach of communi-
cation might have acted on my
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to discuss the subject seriously
and effectively, with friends,
with partners. The words seem
clunky, technical, and foreign,
and how unnatural to be using
terms like clitoral stimula-
tion at a time like this? Even
now, I cant speak directly
with my mother. When I start-
ed having sex, I asked for birth
control, and she just nodded
message delivered, no discus-
sion.
At Brown there are so
many venues for sexual ex-
pression. SHAG, FemSex, and
those fabulous sex articles run
by Post- all make for a safe, ac-
cepting environment. Theres
even a whole sexual awareness
day, a favorite Main Green fes-
tival complete with sex trivia
and condom water balloons
(I dont think Id feel comfort-
able challenging my parents to
Dildo Ring Toss). Over time
Ive gotten more comfortable
talking about sex, and Ive
found that communication is
a key component of a positive
experience.
Though Brown has helped
to foster my sexual education,
I regret that the subjects taboo
between mother and daughter
(and dont get me started on
father). Maybe one day well
be able to talk about these
things, with enough time and
distance, perhaps with a cou-
ple drinks. For now, though,
Ill have to content myself with
knowing how babies are made,
that she knows Im being safe,
and that FemSex taught me
how to snap.
Old Habits Die Hard
clayton ALDERN
arts & culture editor
People have habits. Par-
ents are people, and thus,
parents have habitsid-
iosyncrasies that may not
always mesh well with our
inner Zen. Theres the per-
petual gum-chewer, the
relentless chain-smoker,
the contusion-inducing
back-patter. Some of their
habits may be subtler; this
Post- editors mother has
a strong case of the son-is-
your-homework-done-yets
(spoiler alert: no, but some-
how Ive made it this far).
Theres a common thread
here, though. Old habits
die hard. Even if we think a
tendency is dearly departed,
Family Weekend provides
the resurrection.
But not all habits are bad,
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to those home-made sweet-
breads, and we secretly like
it when our parents put the
emphasis on the wrong syl-
lable of V-Dub. Theres a
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and annoying, and our par-
ents are experts at toeing
that line. Perhaps theres a
secret pact written into the
by-laws of the MADD consti-
tution that requires mothers
across America to hold onto
that one vice that they know
gets under our skin. Maybe
this is a primary source of
fun once you hit parenthood.
Yes, the annual pilgrim-
age of progenitors brings
habit-baggage that is always
good for an upper-lip twitch
or two. But these shudder-
inducing moments are yours
and yours alone. Dont turn
away: Revel in those tics
and embrace your family in
all its lip-smacking, throat-
clearing glory. When those
habits inevitably become
yours in 20 years, at least
youll know youve stayed
true to your roots.
8
FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
Its inevitable. Each and
every semester you know
youre going to have the
conversation with your
parents. No, Im not talk-
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that that one time you spent
all day in bed wasnt due to
food poisoning from a 7-11
taquito, but instead from
those two Four Lokos you
pounded after three mixed
drinks. Im talking about
money: cold, hard cash. Or
credit, for that matter.
Having spent my summer
in multiple foreign countries
with stronger currencies
than the U.S. dollar (have
you seen the exchange rate
for Aussie dollars lately?), I
knew this little chat was in-
evitable. I dreamt of splurg-
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and Andreas Greek fries,
but my wallet only released
a light dust when opened.
My father stealthily passed
me the usual stack of bills
before my plane took off, but
a cursory glance at the slim
pile told me it wouldnt be
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er needs for the semester.
If youre an experienced
college student, you have
no doubt learned how to
navigate the waters of mul-
tiple credit/debit cards.
Theres your personal debit
card (you know, the one you
never want to use), some im-
print of your parents card,
andif your parents are as
cautious as minea separate
card linked to their account
for online transactions. With
all of these options, how to
decide what to charge? And
to whom? And when?
It becomes a precise sci-
ence. I have learned I can
charge approximately three
Au Bon Pain chicken noodle
soups a month on my par-
ents card before it becomes
conspicuous. Buying things
at the Brown Bookstore
makes it seem like youre
stocking up on school sup-
plies and books instead of
that $60 sweatshirt you just
have to have. When your
mother notices your im-
possible-to-resist shopping
spree at CVS, you feign exas-
peration: Mom, do you want
me to live without soap?!
But for me, the dreaded
talk usually doesnt come
until I run out of cashmy
normal state of being while
away at school. ATM fees and
my ever-declining checking
account balance tend to dis-
suade me from pulling out
money, but for some reason
student groups continue to
decline Visa. It is in desper-
ate times like these when I
swallow my pride and pick
up the phone.
It usually begins with
some small talk: How was
your day?; How are your
classes going?; Have you
e-mailed your professor
yet? After giving assur-
ances, its time to get down
to brass tacks. First, explain
that while youve been trying
really hard to budget, some
unexpected
e x p e ns e s
have come
up (read: al-
cohol) and
your bank
account is really low. Next,
endure the lecture admon-
ishing you for going over
your limit or spending too
much money this summer
on unnecessary clothes. Af-
ter promising to never over-
spend again, casually intro-
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whether it be club dues or
a carton of milk. After this,
all you can do is weather
the awkward pause on your
parents end of the line and
hope for the best.
Best-case scenario: you
walk away with a nice little
deposit in your bank ac-
count and your parents hang
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theyve really explained the
true meaning of a dollar this
time. So, in honor of family
weekend, lets appreciate our
parents for how much they
do for usand how much
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top of Browns astronomi-
cal tuition. Because without
Mom and Dads generosity,
where would we be? Proba-
bly stuck in the Ratty, froyo-
less, wearing a shirt youve
owned for two whole years.
Mo Money, Mo Problems
zo HOFFMAN
features editor
ISSUES WE HAVE WITH OUR FAMILIES
9 FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
10FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
Before heading back to
Brown for the start of my
junior year, I made sure to
mention to my mother that
I have, in fact, never been
to Dublin.
I just know so many
Irish people, I said. I cant
believe that I havent been
there. Ireland has such a
rich history.
And by so many Irish
people, I was going for the
jugular. Oddly enough, both
of my parents are now dat-
ing really Irish people. All
the stereotypes seem to fit
my fathers girlfriend has
red hair and a deep love of
potatoes, and my mothers
boyfriend cant get enough
ugly wool sweaters and tra-
ditional Irish music.
This can be used as le-
verage. Am I Irish? Not
reallynot at all, actually.
But I want to go there when
Im abroad in the spring. In
fact, it would be a crime not
to go, especially since my
potential future steppar-
ents are so steeped in the
countrys beautiful tradi-
tions.
Not only is Ireland
pretty and green, but its
also just so close to Lyon (a
mere 941 miles!), where Ill
be based for the semester.
Clearly not enthused about
footing the bill, my mother
wasnt buying it. Alright,
alright. Maybe the hills and
the sheep and the quaint
country cottages arent re-
ally at the top of my to-do
list for my potential Irish
excursion. And yeah, I
guess it isnt super close to
France
So I tried to put it in
terms that she might un-
derstand. A study abroad
adventure, I explained,
is simply not complete
without a hot guy that you
can barely understand. You
knowthe guys there have
these amazingly deep, cin-
ematically sexy brogues.
What hes saying doesnt re-
ally matter. Its how he says
it Its the way he hands
you a beer and smiles, re-
minding you that youre re-
ally not in Kansas anymore.
But hot European rando
isnt just in Ireland, hes
everywhere. Rather, each
country offers its own ver-
sion. And in order to dis-
cover him, in all his glory,
I need just one small, tiny
thing.
Money.
Cold, hard cash. Euros
and pounds, to be more
precise. Because, spending
a semester abroad is actu-
ally more expensive than
sticking around good old
Providence. A tragedy, yes.
But you cant put a price on
experience.
If hes not in Dublin, hes
probably in Amsterdam.
Cost of a train ride between
the two cities? About 210
Euros. But we have so much
to learn from the Nether-
lands, I said to my mother,
who could probably feel her
wallet start to shrink. Edu-
cation policy, enlightened
drug laws, health benefits
that consistently produce
That Damn Exchange Rate
amelia STANTON
editor in chief
ISSUES WE HAVE WITH OUR FAMILIES
men over six feet tall
He could even be in
Greece. A quick flight from
Amsterdam to Athens on
Ryan Air, the king inter-
continental air European
travel beloved by college
students everywhere?
About 89 Euros. But its
worth it, I explained. Be-
cause ever since I saw The
Sisterhood of the Traveling
Pants, I decided that San-
torini not only has the most
objectively beautiful land-
scape on earth, it is also
home to the aesthetically
perfect male.
And that is surely some-
thing worth studying.
11
FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
ISSUES WE HAVE WITH OUR FAMILIES
To SMS-savvy parents,
Congratulations on your
technical know-how and your
ability to type on a phone
keyboard, even though the
buttons are so small! It re-
ally is remarkable that youve
learned how to send a text. But
judging from personal experi-
ence, many of you have yet to
musLer LIe cIuss und hnesse oI
this exciting technology.
Often I receive texts from
my mom that leave me at a
loss for words. If I dont re-
ply, shell get mad, and when I
do, my message is usually too
concise for her liking.
Digging through my
text history with my mom, I
looked for messages that are
innocuous, but unfortunately
put me in the undesirable pre-
dIcumenL oI hgurIng ouL un
adequate response. Below is a
list of examples of how not to
text your child, accompanied
by commentary.
Mom: Yayyyyyy cool!!!
Who r u eating wigh [sic]?
Sounds greattttt!!!!! (in re-
sponse to the news that I
made vegetarian taco soup for
dinner)
Me: N/A
Note: Its great that youre
happy I prepared soup, but
your excessive use of excla-
mation points makes me
question your sincerity.
Mom: Hii what can i
wuLcI on NeLIx??
Me: Havent watched a
movie in a while :-/
Note: Dont ask me what
Lo wuLcI-usk NeLIx. L tells
you what you like. Besides,
we both know youll end up
watching some French rom-
com that you never would
have watched if it werent
available instantly.
Mom: hnIsIed LIe book
never let me go.and we (me
dad and berger) watched mov-
ie. Such a weird sad story
Mom: why didnt they run
away at the end?
Me: Thats one of the
questions youre supposed to
ask
Mom: What do you think
is the answer?
Me: N/A
Note: Literature usually
doesnt have a straightfor-
ward explanationat least,
not one that I want to express
on an iPhone keyboard.
Multimedia messages
present their own set of chal-
lenges. In the past, my mom
has sent me some question-
able photos, including:
A picture of my dad play-
ing golf in Puerto Rico!
A picture of my mom eat-
ing Chinese food despite
Ier sIeIIhsI uIIergy!
Many a picture of my dog
after she gets groomed!
I dont have a problem re-
ceiving any of these texts
I just dont want to or know
how to respond.
Anyway, for concerned
parents, lessons to take away
from this include: 1) text like
an adult, 2) dont be upset if
you dont get a responseits
for the best, and 3) dont send
weird photos 2 ur children.
ROFLing with Mom
matt KLEBANOFF
editor emeritus
My familys never been
able to make it to Family
Weekend. After three years
of not seeing the school, they
hnuIIy munuged Lo muke
it up to help me move into
an off-campus apartment at
the beginning of this year.
But in keeping with tradi-
tion, they wont be here this
weekend.
AL hrsL, LIougIL
should write about how
its not that bad, I manage,
yada yada yada. But then I
realized that theres no hid-
ing it: A family-less Family
Weekend isnt bad at all
assuming (and I realize this
assumption is big) that the
family in question is absent
out of convenience and ne-
cessity rather than com-
pulsion (false dichotomy, I
know). If youre a little wor-
ried about not having kin
to spend Family Weekend
with, here are my pointers,
three years and a few days
in the making:
Be friendly. Chances
are if youve been nice to
your roommates, hallmates,
any-mates, someone will
have parents who are dy-
ing to meet you. Be nice to
them (the parents and your
friends), and they might just
take you out for food.
Be outgoing. In my expe-
rience, the lets go out with
a friends family dinner is
hrsL-duLe IeveI uwkwurd.
But just relax. It seems obvi-
ous, but they wouldnt have
asked you to go if they didnt
want to enjoy your company
(and hell, if they didnt want
you to enjoy their compa-
ny). Just steer clear of your
favorite alcoholic beverage
unless given some kind of
explicit go-ahead, and for
f*cks sake, dont order the
lobster.
Be grateful. You get free
food without having to lead
these parents around all day.
You can invite your parents
to come up when it isnt so
crowded and when its less
likely that a friends parents
will dote on you. Call it what
you willtwofer, best of
both worlds, I dont care
but at the end of the day,
dont you dare forget to say,
Thank you.
Family Weekend, sans Family
charles PLETCHER
managing editor of features
12FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
ISSUES WE HAVE WITH OUR FAMILIES
Alcoholidays
Traditionally, my family
goes to midnight mass on
Christmas Eve. Last year,
though, we didnt quite
make it.
Ill hold the service, my
brother Ross says. He holds
up his fourth glass of Mint
Chocolate Baileys on ice, the
drink of the season.
We believe in one Lord,
Jesus Christ. He suffered
died and was buried, on the
third day He rose again. He
wus crucIhed under PonLIus
Pilate, He suffered died and
was buried, on the third day
He rose againAmen.
Amen. And we all raise
a glass.
Dude, Im Muslim, and
even I know thats not right.
My cousins wife, Sash, is
from Bangladesh.
The Irish are known for
kicking back a few, and the
OMahony clan, though our
uncesLors ed LIe poLuLo
famine more than a century
ago, is in this respect still in
touch with its Irish roots.
Were not alcoholics, but we
know how to celebrate. Case
in point: Before my cousins
wedding even began, my
uncle approached the bar.
How much for a beer?
Were not serving quite
yet. The bartender looked
around uncomfortably.
Name your price. But
in the end, my uncle wasnt
served, and he had to wait
LIe hve-mInuLe duruLIon oI
the service to pop a bottle.
And ubouL hve yeurs ugo
my mother stopped her cu-
linary endeavors to pursue
more mixological ones. I
tasted her latest cocktail in-
novation this summer.
Its called a Schuylkill-
tini, she said, handing over
a cloudy martini glass. Cit-
ron vodka, limoncello, and
theres supposed to be a
SwedIsI hsI, buL `ve Iound
they kind of decompose in
the alcohol.
Its not always easy to
be with your family. Thats
why we talk about stressful
holidaysanswering ques-
tions like Dating anyone?
and So what does one do
with an Am Civ degree? and
avoiding racist aunts and
creepy uncles. Perhaps the
OMahonys drink less out
of celebration and more as a
buffer: a bit of familial lubri-
cation, as it were. We offer
a toast, to the birth of Jesus
or presents, to the union of
a couple, and in the name of
a good time. Lose the inhi-
bitions, and were family
after all, blood runs thicker
than wine.
To loosen up your own
family functions, Ive includ-
ed my mothers recipe for
mojitos. Perhaps Im partial
to the tastes of home, but
`ve yeL Lo hnd LIeIr equuI.
Mamas a pediatrician, so
remember to take this pre-
scription with food.
jane BRENDLINGER
managing editor of lifestyle
Dr. Os Mojitos
Ingredients
4 limes
1/2 cup raw sugar
big handful of fresh mint
3 cups light rum
1 1/2 cups club soda
Cut the limes in quarters and then in half crosswise to make little
chunks. Drop the limes into a pitcher of six cups or so. Pour the
sugar over the limes, drop in the mint, and mash the hell out of
everything with a heavy wooden spoon. This will get all the juice
out and dissolve the sugar. Pour in the rum and stir it around to dis-
solve the rest of the sugar. When youre ready to serve, add the club
soda, ll the pitcher with ice, and give it a good stir.
Pour the mojitos into glasses lled with crushed ice. Enjoy!
Doctors note: Side effects might include dizziness, indiscriminate
irting, and partial nudity. To reduce risk, add copious amounts of
ice.
13
FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
ISSUES WE HAVE WITH OUR FAMILIES
For a school that cam-
paigned against the im-
perialist connotations of
Columbus Day, Brown is re-
markably insensitive to the
issues inherent in the term
Family Weekend. What
about those of us who have,
shall we say, more periph-
eral members of our fam-
ily groups? I suggest that we
adopt the all-inclusive ter-
minology of my high school,
which lumped aunts-that-
are-really-just-friends, step-
grandparents, and, in my
case, my mothers boyfriend
together under the blanket
LGHQWLFDWLRQ RI 6SHFLDO
Friends. Doesnt it have a
ring to it? A clunky, kind of
creepy, potentially even pe-
dophilic sort of ring?
I should add here that my
mothers boyfriend is a real-
ly great guy. He is an expert
in Freudian psychoanalysis
and Korean aikido, and he
RQFH ZURWH D VFLHQFH FWLRQ
novel that was actually pub-
lished. Hes even likeable. So
likeable, in fact, that I want
to refer to him as my Special
Friend.
My mother is prob-
ably cringing right now (Hi,
Mom!). But issues arise
when families blend, and I
think its important that we
talk about them. Issues like,
what do I call this person who
takes you out to dinner and
watches Masterpiece The-
atre with you so that I dont
have to? (Cant you just re-
fer to him by his name? she
always asks, despairingly.)
And furthermore, what the
f*ck do I do with this person
when he comes to visit me at
school?
I have found that a great
way to occupy your mothers
boyfriend, or any Special
Friend for that matter, is
to present him with a large
quantity of heavy things that
need to be moved. Here,
you say. Moms going to
bring this home for me.
Hardcover books are in-
valuable in this situation
because they can be stuffed
LQWRDLPV\SDSHUVKRSSLQJ
bag. The logistical problem
that this generateshow to
lift the bag without ripping
off its handles?will keep
KLPRFFXSLHGIRUDWOHDVWYH
minutes. Manual labor can
EHYHU\IXOOOLQJ
Your mother may sug-
gest lunch. Take her up on it,
if you like that sort of thing.
You might worry that con-
versation will run dry. The
way to avoid this: work your-
self up to a point of egotism
that will allow you to mono-
logue relentlessly about
yourself. Special Friends are
supposed to be interested in
you! They are dying to hear
minute descriptions of every
dream that youve had in the
last month, especially if they
are psychoanalysts! And if
you cant remember those
dreams, make them up!
An additional conversa-
tion starter: turn to your
mother and ask, So, if he
and I were unconscious and
trapped in a burning build-
ing and you only had time
to save one of us, which one
would it be? (Once, as chil-
dren, my siblings and I re-
Third Wheeling
jennie YOUNG CARR
managing editor of arts & culture
ally pressed my mother on
this question. She looked at
us thoughtfully, then said, I
would let you all die.)
The main thing to re-
member about Special
Friends is that they are the
third wheels in this situa-
tion. Those glances that your
Special Friend is exchang-
ing with your mother, the
ones that seem to say, Your
daughter is ridiculous, or
perhaps even, Well break
out the good wine once shes
gone? They dont exist.
14FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
ISSUES WE HAVE WITH OUR FAMILIES
When my parents descend
annually on that winsome
weekend in October, it is al-
ways with a picnic basket in
hand. For the football game,
of course! Jane and Kevin do,
I believe, comprehend quite
well that following football
islike core curricula, GPAs,
conservativism, doing all
the assigned reading, giving
something up when you dont
have the time for it, dating like
normal people do, being pub-
licly clothed as a general rule,
:DWHUUHDVDIXQWKLQJWRGR
and passing up any and all
chances to joke (yes, again!)
about how we at Brown are
hipsters who over-employ the
word heteronormativenot
done on College Hill.
Undeterred, the dogged
Doyle parents, in all their per-
sistence and lofty refusal to
yield to the wisdom of their
daughters (see: taking down
the swing set, and the weird
ski house rental of 2010),
have made Brown Family
Weekend Football a revered
group outing of the yearly va-
riety. It is marked by such tra-
ditional trappings as salami
sandwiches, hot cocoa, and of
FRXUVHWKHDQQXDOVWXIQJRID
SURWHVWLQJ UVWERUQ GDXJKWHU
into the backseat of the car,
with all the brute force her
WZR DGRULQJ SDUHQWDO JXUHV
can muster.
How do you get to the
stadium? my mom inevitably
asks at this point, all innocent-
like, as we set out amongst
the lazy descent of falling
leaves, toward the mysterious
and fearsome streets north of
Pembroke. I trash and roar
from the backseat. How do
we get to the stadium? Where
do the Brown Republicans
meet? What am I going to
do with my English degree?
What crime of mine has made
me deserve such cruelty at
your hands, Mother? I dont
know! I cry out, and proceed
to weep and strain against the
seatbelt.
Bundled up and forcibly
detained in a place they call
the stands shortly thereaf-
ter, deep in a neighborhood of
Providence that is as foreign
to Brown students as the idea
of completing a BA in eight
straight semesters, my sister
and I bicker as tradition dic-
tates. (You never visit me at my
tiny preppy college, and youve
always gotten way more al-
lowance than me! Well, when
you were 11 your bedtime was
9:30, but when I was 11 it was
9:15, and I had to miss entire
second half of Frasier, God
damn it. You know nothing of
suffering, Margaret!)
Meanwhile our parents rel-
ish the salami sandwiches and
catch up with their cousinslo-
cal residents who want to know:
what is it about the design of the
crosswalk that no Brunonian
can wrap an Ivy League brain
around? And also, what exactly
do I intend to do with my Eng-
lish degree?
Perhaps, by this point, I
am wearied from my ordeal,
or perhaps its just that I re-
ally am the snobbishly aloof
Ivy Leaguer I claim to be.
Maybe Im feeling the utter
nonchalance of a ninety-per-
cent-empty football stadium
seeping through my so-freak-
ing-cold-right-now bones, or
maybe Im just balking in the
face of confrontation?
But whatever it is, I do
not deign to make reply to
such queriesin accordance,
again, with family tradition.
Rather, I coolly rewrap my
wool scarf thrice about my
frostbitten face, and preoccu-
py myself with over-analyzing
the unlikely sport played out
before me. The athletes wear
Brown uniforms, but to me,
nothing about this rings true.
Established rules? Finishing
the thing in a set amount of
time? Boundaries on the play-
LQJHOG"$QRUGLQDU\QXPHU-
ical scoring system, for Gods
sake? What is this ungodly
game? In Deo Speramus, the
inhumanity! Mother, Father,
Ill eat Ratty food for eterni-
tyif only youll take me back
to College Hill!
Family Football Fun
kate DOYLE
editor emerita
15
FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
ISSUES WE HAVE WITH OUR FAMILIES
Did you meet any new
friends this week? my
mother asks. Its Sunday
evening, our usual check-in
time.
Silence.
She doesnt care that I
finally met my Grad Cen-
ter neighbors, who seem all
right, or that Im having a
pretty decent time hang-
ing out with the friends I
already have. It took me
long enough to find them,
for gods sake. She wants
to know about boys. Only
boys, all the time. Any
new boys? Have they fi-
nally sprung up from the
woodwork and duked it
out for the privilege of call-
ing themselves mine? Am I
wearing the Clinique eye-
liner she likes and exuding
that Im eager and willing
for a healthy, monotonous
relationship vibe?
Like, have I found a boy-
friend already?
A nice boy that I can
bring to the Yale Club and
introduce to my grand-
mother come Thanksgiving.
A boy who carries my bags
when my hands are barely
full, a boy who loves his
mother and his little sister,
a boy who drives safely all
the time.
Its not that I dont want
these things. Who doesnt
want to find a considerate,
family-oriented, safe driv-
er? I would be fine with that,
eventually, perhaps when I
turn 30. Or 35. But in the
meantime, its just that she
never stops asking. My life
here could not possibly be
fulfilling without a refined,
Ivy-League-approved gent
by my side.
What about parties?
She prods, Go to any fun
parties this weekend?
I mean, yeah,
sure. A couple.
Silence.
But did you
meet any fun peo-
ple?
Yes, actually,
now that you ask.
And Ive got-
ta run. Im
headed out
to meet
t h e m
now
Any New Boys???
amelia STANTON
editor in chief
At the moment this hap-
pens, you could offer an ex-
planation, but it is obviously
VDIHUWRZDLWLWRXW7KHUVW
time your parents ask, after
all, is only a prodding gibe.
Then this question
compounds with an
earnest request for
an answer: Whats
going on, son? The
tone of their question
is now more that of a
loan shark empty-hand-
ed. Be careful.
A relationship, Im
sure, means some-
thing to your par-
ents that it might not
mean to you. My
Southern mother is
always suspicious
when I defend the
single life. To wit,
no matter how well I
argue, a son without
a girlfriend doesnt
signify promiscuity as
much as non-monoga-
myand thats whats
important. Your family,
perhaps like mine, want
you to maintain some con-
stancy. They want you to
train for marriage, for kids
and all the important things
that signify an Ideal Domes-
tic Experience. At least give
their wholesome desires the
time of day, right?
Isnt this supposed to
be a lifestyle choice? I ask,
dodging my parents initial
question.
My approachand it
may be yours toois a little
different. I like taking walks
alone at odd hours, appren-
ticing myself to a book when
no one is looking, drink-
ingwith or without oth-
ersand arguing honestly
with someone about their
poor enunciation without
worrying about how it re-
HFWVRQP\URPDQWLFSURV-
pects. I sleep, at will, at any
angle I choose. But its not
all about me, right? Indeed,
Im spared from being called
a part of we, and the social
multiplier of my single life
is always larger than that of
the alternative. Im more
available to more people,
and I dont enjoy Absolutely
Committed Interpersonal
Obligation. Pascal noted,
too, that all mans miseries
derive from not being able
to sit in a quiet room alone.
Enjoying singletonism pro-
vides one way to relate to
Pascal here, but try explain-
ing that to a partner.
To your parents, these
may be the nave seeds
that sprout a Prufrock lat-
er in life. Not at all. Weve
come a long way from our
repressed ancestors. And
why not proudly use that af-
forded distance. Maybe you
need a little extra time to
explore bodiesyour own,
others, and the interactions
thereof. Or, as Mario Rossi
said easily and naturally,
The great interests of man:
air and light, the joy of hav-
ing a body, the voluptuous-
ness of looking.
Son, Why?
arts & culture
16FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
issues our families
My parents have been
very interested in statistics
lately. Let me give you an ex-
ample. According to the Col-
lege Board (remember that,
guys?), the current cost of
attending Brown University,
housing included, is about
$53,000 per academic year.
Also according to the College
Board, the cost of attending
Penn State University Park is
$38,000 per academic year.
Why do I know this? Be-
cause, as my mother and fa-
ther constantly remind me, I
am a junior English concen-
trator at Brown University,
and my little sister is a fresh-
man pre-veterinary science
major at Penn State.
Im extremely happy for
my sister. She loves her cam-
pus, her classes, her friends,
and everything shes involved
in. Shell never come right out
and admit this, of course, be-
cause she always intended to
end up here, or Tufts, or Cor-
nell, or somewhere not Penn
State. Her heart broke when
rejection letter after rejec-
tion letter was delivered to
our house. But now, a couple
of months into her freshman
year, shes ecstaticand so
are my parents.
Ever since Anna accepted
admission to Penn State, my
dad has consistently dropped
little gems of information in
my presencePenn State costs
sIgnIhcunLIy Iess LIun Brown,
Penn States football stadium
holds more people than Fox-
boro (thats where the Pats
play, kids, about 20 minutes
from herehope you didnt
need that explanation). Penn
State has a Small and Exotic
Pets Club where my pre-vet
little sister plays with things
like tigers and bonobos and
triceratops. Brown, on the oth-
er hand, has squirrels, an un-
usually high number of naked
parties, and independent con-
centrations. And so my father
has been asking me: What the
hell am I paying for you to do
down there in Providence?
Well, what do our parents
pay for? Certainly not exotic
animals (or maybe they doI
spend my weekends with Sir
Gawain in the basement of
the Hay so I really dont know
anything about the science
department here) or football
programs (although we did
give PSU its very own Christ
hgure In Joe PuLerno). BuL IeL
me present to my parents an-
other statisticaccording to
the Princeton Review, weve
got some of the happiest stu-
dents in the nation.
Someone else (from, say,
Harvard) might ask what
that really means and if it re-
ally matters. But as a transfer
student, coming from another
well-respected (and more ex-
pensive) institution, I know
that it does. Even if I pay an
exorbitant amount to go to
Brown, and even if I cant
enjoy camping out in Pater-
noville (okay, not sure I would
actually enjoy that), Im
happy at Brown, and Im sur-
rounded by some of the most
driven, talented people Ive
ever met, being instructed by
undeniably the most knowl-
edgeable, motivational pro-
fessors Ive ever had. I know I
cant speak for everyone here,
and I know people at my sis-
ters school have great experi-
ences as wellbut this is all I
have to say: I f*cking love this
place. And being able to say
that is worth the price tag.
Love Dont Cost a Thing
alexa TREARCHIS
lifestyle editor
Despite what you might
have heard, SexPowerGod
is actually one of Browns
most stimulating events
intellectually speaking, of
course. Through a series of
wIuL mIgIL uL hrsL seem Lo
be awkward encounters, it
forces us to ask hard ques-
tions about long-held beliefs,
including heternormativity,
hegemony, and monothe-
ism. While that may sound
like were just getting off on
using a bunch of big words,
its actually much more than
that.
Were laying bare the un-
derlying assumptions that
have led to the erection of
the many misguided notions
so ubiquitous in modern
American culture. And since
such penetrating discus-
sions can quickly leave one
feeling exhausted, the more
people one encounters, the
better the event is. Com-
ing together to appreciate
how bodies of thought can
potentially be so intimately
intertwined is the essence of
this annual event. The only
reason Bill OReilly became
outraged at the event back
in 2005 was that he wasnt
well-endowed enough intel-
lectually to understand ex-
actly what was going on.
SexPowerGod Exposed
emeritus
17
FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
have with us
Many of our dear parents
have raised some concerns
about our current living situ-
ations. We tend to sputter
ouL Imsy, IneIIecLIve excus-
es, but its simply because we
havent assessed these archi-
tectural wonders in the right
light, so as to develop the nec-
essury uency Ior dIscussIng
their merits. Post- would like
to take this time to give you
and your lovely folks a quick
rundown of the shining glory
that is the Brown on-campus
experience.
The authoritarian-chic
feel of the cinderblock walls
is the trademark of the
Brown design aesthetic. Its
the perfect backdrop for our
James Dean/Bob Marley/
Fear and Loathing/Andy
Warhol/Audrey Hepburn
tribute shrines. Cinderblock
doesnt have to be cold: think
of it as an empty canvas for
all those exotic Spectrum
India giveaways and strate-
gically selected candid shots
from home. Cinderblock is
dormynay, collegiate. Its
character-building, akin to
digging holes. And yet, while
cinderblock remains a staple,
the intricacies of each Brown
University dorm dramatically
alter on-campus life.
If vomit and broken show-
ers spell home to you, then
Keeney is your sanctuary...
and if thats not the case, the
Keenester may need some
creuLIve redehnILIon. K-Nus-
ty, while indeed known for
its inherent stench and ques-
tionable mattress-storage
attics, does possess some re-
deeming characteristics. For
froshy sloshiness and impec-
cable dealers, theres nothing
like the Drangle. Trying to
pitch it to the rents? Talk
about the quaint gym, the
constant presence of warm
souls, and the heat vent out-
side of Bronson.
While Grad Center may
look like a prison (it objec-
tively doestheres no sav-
ing that one), New Pembroke
is its angsty, experimental
younger sibling. Its general-
ly unclear as to what actually
goes on under that mysterious
shroud of geometric silliness,
but those who go inside the
NP know that theres more
to it than meets the exter-
nal eye. Pros: semi-private
bathrooms, the occa-
sional enclosed balcony,
lovely proximity to
Blue State. Cons:
basements that
double as actual
prisons, the jar-
ring metaphysi-
cal disconnect of
four separate
b u i l d i n g s ,
p r o x i m -
ity to the
s k e t c h y
p a r k i n g
lot behind
Blue State.
Its all
about perspective here. The
social milieu of Jos encour-
ages the formation of a truly
wholesome community.
New Dormers are the select
few that have front-row, VIP
access to this experience
every single night of the
week. Perkins is far away,
but you get nice calves from
the walk. Pembroke... is
nice. Cant argue with that
(just dont mention the tub-
rooms).
Sometimes, the solution
to persistent parents can be
as simple as the tiniest of
white lies. That water dam-
age? Dont worry, it isnt ac-
tually breeding black mold;
its Johns new art installa-
tion for that Modern Micro-
bial Sculpture GISP. Oh...
the water damage itself?
Classic: Facilities is going to
be checking that out right af-
ter you leave.
Granted, some of the con-
fusion is our own fault. We
take full responsibility for the
discarded bottles of Karkov
und week-oId cIIcken hn-
gers. The Keeney-truck rug
could probably use the oc-
casional vacuum-pass. Yes,
that stain in the hallway is
fresh; no, we dont know how
it got there. At the very least,
its clear that these dorms
have become our temporary
homes: this is how we mark
our territory.
And when all else fails,
distract your parents with
Faunce, with its chandeliers
and glass doors.
Tactfully Navigating On-Campus Housing
clayton ALDERN
and gopika KRISHNA
18FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
ISSUES OUR FAMILIES HAVE WITH US
DurIng my hrsL uu-
tumn in Providence, I
started wearing a down
jacket around the end
of October. This seemed
completely reasonable to
me. So what if some cra-
zy people were still wear-
ing shorts? I would laugh
at them from the plush
comfort of my North
Face cocoon.
Then one day, I
walked past a brunette
clad in a light sweater.
She took one look at the
black, knee-length parka
I was sporting, turned to
the boy next to her and
asked, derisively, Dont
people realize how cold
it gets here?
Those words haunted
me as I huddled in the
chill of the List Audito-
rium, unzipping my coat
in increments. I am not
made for this weather! I
imagined myself shout-
ing at the girl, in a tone
both petulant and apolo-
getic. I am a hothouse
ower!
I tried this line on my
mother that night. She
oIIered unneI sIeeLs. ,
drunk on the manifold
delights of L.L. Beans
home goods, requested a
eece bIunkeL reInIorced
for extra warmth around
the toes. And sheepskin
slippers? Well see,
honey.
Perhaps a real sheep,
or some other exotic
house pet to keep me
warm at night? Or one
of those parkas that so
enticingly warns that
you may overheat in
temperatures over 30
degrees Fahrenheit?
This was about when
my mother began to
laugh.
Well see whos
laughing when they
find me frozen to death
in my dorm room!
She had the good
grace not to remind me
of this when I called a
week later. They had
turned the heat on, and
I was pretty sure that I
was going to die a des-
iccated husk in the des-
ert of Grad Center D.
Stayin Warm
Youre sitting with your
parents at the Blue Room,
and over a French toast muf-
hn, LIe InevILubIe ucudemIc
question comes up. For
sophomores, that question
is, So, have you given any
more thought to your con-
centration?
This summer I acciden-
tally tricked my parents
into thinking that taking
ENGN0090 would turn me
into an applied math con-
centrator. Ive heard its
great. People really love the
professor, I gushed. Its in
the Engineering department.
Its very business-y. For
a moment, visions of their
daughter the entrepreneur
danced in my parents heads.
I would start a business! I
would be innovative! I would
have a way to make a living!
These, it turned out, were
fanciful thoughts. A few days
later, I dropped the class in
favor of a course called Sex,
Gender, and Society. My
parents were, understand-
ably, a little disappointed.
Still, there was hope for
me. I had taken that one eco-
nomics class last year, right?
Didnt I enjoy that? Unfor-
tunately, noI enjoyed that
cute guy who also always
sat in the back and showed
up late. What about Health
Care in the United States?
Didnt I say once that I was
interested in healthcare
policy? No thanks, Mom
honestly, sick people make
me nervous.
Like a lot of Brown stu-
dents, for me, none of the
practical interests ever
quite stuck. Once I was un-
leashed upon the New Cur-
riculum, the very idea of
studying something prag-
matic seemed like a wasted
opportunity. At no other
time in our lives will we be
able to devote this much
LIme Lo sLudyIng LIe uws
in the gender binary, or the
implications of female to-be-
looked-at-ness in cinema
much less to learn, really
learn, the alphabet.
Thats right, Mom and
Dad. Im going to concen-
trate in linguistics. Yes, like
semantics, although I cant
say I like your tone. Before
you say anything else, Mom,
let me remind you that you
were a theatre major. You
Lurned ouL jusL hne.
I thought you liked Economics!
clara BEYER
chief layout editor
jennie YOUNG CARR
managing editor of arts & culture
19
FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
ISSUES OUR FAMILIES HAVE WITH US
When my parents ask
me about my courses, usu-
ally a few weeks into the
semester, I avoid specifics.
Theyre good! Its a lot of
work, but Im getting a lot
out of them. Or, perhaps
the most effective response
if one needs to change the
subject fast, Um, how is
the dog?
These served me well for
a month or two last spring.
But halfway during one
fateful visit, my luck dried
up. My mother and I had
just finished an episode of
The Good Wifea staple
during my trips home these
daysand without warn-
ing, she asked the question
I had been dreading:
So tell me more about
school. Whats the name
of that history class youre
taking?
Frozen along the foot of
her bed, I tried to devise a
way out. I could dash to-
ward the kitchen and es-
cape through the sixteenth-
story window. Or, less
drastically, I could ask her
to show me her new iPad
app againthe one that
makes ripples in a digital
pond when you touch the
screen (its very relaxing,
I am told, often). But alas,
there was no time.
The Politics of Excep-
tionalist Narratives, I said,
my voice dissolving into a
whisper. Its a silly name
... but thats okay. I didnt
want a job, anyway, right?
Hmmm, she replied,
with polite curiosity. So,
what other classes are you
taking?
I didnt have reassuring
answers. Lyricism and Lu-
cidity. Capitalism: For and
Against. At least my fourth
class was Civil War and Re-
constructionI knew I had
taken a 200-person lecture
class for a reason!
Navigating and disre-
garding other peoples pre-
conceptions is the curse of
the Brown student. There
are many perks to Brunon-
ia, dont get me wrong. But
most people think of our
school as the hippie-dip-
py college that gives grades
in emoticons (Another
:/ ? Now Im never going
to get into feminist clown
school!) and offers more
classes on sex in Medieval
Iberia than in macroeco-
nomics. If you check last
years Banner selections,
youll find that most people
are only half-wrong.
I, for one, have chosen
to stop worrying about
what people think about
the courses I take. Sure,
employers probably wont
drool over my dabbling in
lyric essays and postcolo-
nial criticism. But, as the
old adage goes, not every-
thing one does in life is to
please Goldman. (It sounds
better in the original He-
brew.) We take courses
for us and no
one else. Its a powerful
thing.
Instead of fretting about
our transcripts, we should
celebrate what our most
seemingly inane courses
say about Brown: Our pro-
fessors enjoy tremendous
academic freedom, includ-
ing the right to offer six-
person seminars on sub-
jects most people couldnt
care less about. We have
tremendous freedom, too.
We can indulge our pro-
fessors academic largesse
by taking their class-
eshowever absurd the
namesor say, No thank
you, Eco-Poetics is just
not for me.
Either way, were part of
a unique experiment in un-
dergraduate education fifty
years in the making. Surely
thats worth a few fights
with the rents.
Why do all of your courses have stupid names?
sam KNOWLES
editor-in-chief
20FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
My dad thinks Im be-
coming a socialist. Appar-
ently the curriculum (what
curriculum?) at Brown is
mostly Marx with a bit of
Trotsky for dessert. Ill ad-
mit, Ive read Marx, but it
was for a class on literary
theory, which suggests that
there is little risk of my hav-
ing any sort of lasting eco-
nomic impact due to my
schooling.
When I asked my dad
what makes Brown a social-
ist institution, he offered
some circumlocutions about
dead-beat liberals and the
free market. I asked what
liberals and the free mar-
ket had to do with Brown
our education, as valued
by tuition dollars, certainly
doesnt seem like a hand-
out. He mumbled about
left-wing academics and
the closing of the Ameri-
can mindapparently, my
dad has misread some Allan
Bloom.
Theres been a lot of
buzz over the years about
Browns liberal slant. But
given the Universitys dedi-
cation to individualized cur-
ricula, it seems odd to claim
that individual students are
being brainwashed by pro-
fessorial bias.
Some Google sleuthing
led me to the Brown Spec-
tator, a right-leaning blog
written by Brown students
that hasnt been updated
since December 2010. The
blog features an article by
Andy Golodny dated July
7, 2009: New Study
Suggests Faculty Bias at
Brown. The article cites
a study by The American
Enterprise (TAE), a de-
funct public policy maga-
zine put out by the conser-
vative American Enterprise
think tank. (Starting to see
a trend?) The article details
the waning ranks of con-
servatives in the academy:
There were no Republi-
cans in [Browns] English,
History, Political Science,
Africana Studies, or Sociol-
ogy departments. The three
republican [sic] professors
on [sic] the survey came
from the Economics and
Engineering departments.
For the life of me, I cant see
what this has to do with our
educations.
The paucity of Republi-
can faculty members is used
to support claims of intel-
lectual bias when it comes
to grading, but TAE makes
no attempt to quantify aca-
demic bias, preferring in-
stead to insist on its exis-
tence by gesturing towards
faculty diversity (or lack
thereof, as it were). Thats
silly. Neither the conclusion
nor its antecedent is neces-
sarily false, but that veracity
shouldnt be taken for cau-
sality.
Back to my original point:
my dad thinks Im becom-
ing a red-blooded socialist
based on the same set of as-
sumptions on which TAEs
study operates. To show
why those assumptions
dont
ma k e
s e n s e ,
Im going to relate
a personal example. Thats
rightIve been told that
the way I read texts has
become more conservative
over time. My understand-
ing of the politics in play
is, admittedly, somewhat
vague, so Ill do my best to
elucidate.
In modern scholar-
ship, there are roughly two
schools of ancient philoso-
phy: the Straussians and
the philosophers. Strauss-
ians are viewed as staunch
neoconservatives who read
freely and join philosophy
and politics at their whim-
sy (think high school Eng-
lish teachers, except with
PhDs and diabolical aims).
Philosophers, on the other
hand, view themselves as
descendants of Kant who
look for the true meaning
in Plato and Aristotle. De-
claring oneself a Straussian
is some kind of academic
suicide; most of the time,
the label arises when a phi-
losopher thinks that anoth-
er persons reading is con-
trived. So, from the
perspective of the philoso-
phers (which is the reigning
perspective in the acade-
my): philosophers are good;
Straussians, dirty neocons.
Ive been labeled a
Straussian. My readings
of Plato over the course of
three years have apparently
become too literary and too
infused with the political. By
association (and, from what
I can tell, by misreadings of
Strauss and Bloom), Im also
a neoconservative. I appar-
ently value democracy above
all else, and I apparently be-
lieve in the kallipolis of Plato
as something to realize, not
(as even Strauss claimed) an
absurd abstraction.
My dads fears are
vagueeducations corrupt-
ing force seems all around a
ELWGLIFXOWWRDUWLFXODWH%XW
Dad, dont fret. Brown isnt
turning me into a socialist
hippie. If anything, its pre-
paring me to carry the ban-
ner that Paul Wolfowitz so
clumsily dropped not long
ago. Huzzah.
Damn Hippies
ISSUES OUR FAMILIES HAVE WITH US
charles PLETCHER
managing editor of features
21
FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
22FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
23 FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
ISSUES OUR FAMILIES HAVE WITH US
I was in my parents bed
the night my little sister
was conceived. At age five
Ihad been suffering from a
spate of night terrors, and
Id managed to convince
myself that the knots on
the pine closet in my room
were going to come out of
the wood and eat me. My
parents room offered both
a gratifying lack of figured
wood furniture and the
reassuring physical pres-
ence of two disgruntled
adults. To this day, I have
no idea how they did the
deed without waking me
up. Was a heavy sleeper
as a child? Did they have
pocket spring mattresses in
1995? Were my parents se-
cretly schooled in the art of
stealthy whoopee-making?
Was the feat accomplished
elsewhere in the house?
None of the possibilities
are very appealing.
Fast-forward eleven
years, and my aunts giv-
ing me the spare keys to
her apartment. Shes go-
ing away for the weekend,
my finals are coming up,
and she wants me to have
a nice quiet place to study.
My girlfriend and I are still
in the honeymoon stage,
and the futon is SO com-
fortable. A key turns in the
lock, the door creaks open,
and I suddenly arrive at the
stomach-turning conclu-
sion that my aunt isnt in
Calgary. She doesnt say a
word, just gently closes the
door and leaves. We throw
our clothes back on and
break the land speed re-
cord rushing home, where
surprise surprise, half my
extended family is over for
dinner. That was the day I
got the sex symposium.
Crushing humiliation
aside, is a familial walk-in
really that much worse than
that of the college room-
mate variety Sure, it may
make for awkward conver-
sation around the breakfast
table, and sure, your loved
ones may start loudly and
conscientiously knocking
before entering a room you
might potentially occupy,
but if you think about it,
youre not really showing
them anything they havent
seen before. Thanks to
the wonders of
modern ultra-
sound imaging, our fami-
lies have known what our
boy and girl bits look like
since before we even knew
we had junk. These are the
people who fed us, bathed
us, changed our diapers.
And the mere fact
of our existence
means they really
have no business
telling us what
to do with our
plumbing.
Wi t h col -
lege comes
freedom, tiny
dorm rooms,
and room-
mates. Now
youre dealing
with people you
havent known
your whole life,
people who are
almost guaran-
teed to glimpse
your parts in
one capac-
ity or another
during your
time togeth-
er. So if the
next person
to accidentally interrupt a
romantic encounter hap-
pens to be someone with
whom you share a chromo-
some, rest a little easier in
the knowledge that at least
youre making them proud.
Interruptus
phil LAI
pencil pusher
24
FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
The oddest part of Fam-
ily Weekend is when you
have to bridge the gap from
the parents to the Gs (and
I wish I were talking about
gangsters). Thats right,
in this edition of Whats
the Most Uncomfortable
Family Weekend Moment,
Pop-Pop and Gam-Gam are
pulling out the big guns.
Con-damn!
Your grandparents were
in college in the 50smay-
be the 60s if they got their
freak on at a tender age, but
lets go with 50s to make a
point. When they see con-
doms taped to the door of
your RCs door in Keeney,
hopefully they just zip the
A Grand Old Time
emeritus
lip. Otherwise, its an awk-
ward walk down the hall.
And pray to god that they
dont know what a dental
dam is. (Sophomore year, I
was an RC. So yes, that re-
ally happened.)
Thay-er too slow
Walking down Thayer
Street is typically a brisk
saunter, perhaps swagger
or even promenade. But
when youve got two 70+ers
in tow, shit gets complicat-
ed. Love her to death, but
grannies not getting any
faster, and with the side-
walks packed with book-
store merchandiseladen
families, there aint much
room either.
I think theres a dead
skunk in the wall
Your parents know ex-
actly what weed smells like
(and if theyve convinced
you they dont, theyre real-
ly good liars). But if Grand-
pa Joe gets a whiff of the
herb and a sly smile sneaks
across his face, its undeni-
ableyouve got some ba-
dass Gs on hand.
We brought Grape
Nuts
Generally the oldies are
early risers, so beware: If
you plan to go out on Friday
night, bring home a young
lass and make the beast of
two backs, be sure to shut
your shades, lock your door
and by no means give your
Brown ID to your family.
The last thing you want is
breakfast in bed for two.
Absolut-ely, Grandpa
Rather than allowing
them to discover your hid-
den stash of handles and
Coronas, why not just get
the party started? Slip
grandpa a gin and tonic be-
hind moms back. Suddenly
your parents are more wor-
ried about the intoxicated
senior citizen catcalling
college girls, than you cat
calling college girls. Hilar-
ity ensues.
ISSUES OUR FAMILIES HAVE WITH US
25
FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
ISSUES OUR FAMILIES HAVE WITH US
For the theatrically in-
clined, a visit from the pa-
rental units often brings
a slew of tricky topics and
scandalous scenarios. With
brains full of Viewpoints
and Foucault, we, the mak-
ers of student theatre, are
only too eager to indulge
in the avant-garde and the
risqu. We play with gen-
der and socially construct-
ed identities, with power
and carnal desire and ro-
bots. But for a generation
removed from our perfor-
mance theory and vibrator
plays, the average student
production may seem a bit,
well, odd.
Explaining your latest
play to the rents involves
a delicate balance of vague
statements and careful
phrasing. Im playing a
strong female role who em-
braces herindependence
and, umm, leadership
skills and hopes to share
her uniquephilosophy
with the world through
hands-on experience. This
delicate dance around the
question is further compli-
cated when the title of the
show is, shall we say, not
exactly PG. Im starring in
a production of the, well
a series of monologues
aboutwomen and their,
umm, anatomy. Or Its
called In the Next Room.
There may be some more
stuff after that, but, honest-
ly, who really has room for
subtitles on a poster these
days?
Then theres the post-
show congratulations. As
they emerge from the theatre
with a thin veneer of pride
masking their shell-shocked
horror and confusion, the
parents tentatively poke at
the performance. There
seemed to be an awful lot of
nudity in the play, honey,
they may begin. Or, That
young man, in the sequined
suspenders, his, umm, hips,
were quite close to your
face. One of my personal
favorites, and a frequent
peril of the off-balance cast-
ing pools that plague many
theatre groups, is the same-
sex make-out sesh. In this
case, the post-show con-
gratulations usually reach
an awkward pause in which
WKH EUDYHU SDUHQW QDOO\
asks, So, you and that tall
girl, you seem...close. At
this point the conversa-
tion usually veers off into
the we love you no mat-
ter who you love territory,
then takes a quick U-turn
to why arent you dating
anyone, and ends with any
middle school-aged siblings
either snickering or squeal-
ing in disgust.
My advice, dear parents?
Stick to the nice, neutral
classics. You were great. I
cried. How did you memo-
rize all of those lines?
Im Only a Lesbian on Stage
jen HARLAN
lifestyle editor
To the less liberal parents of
Brown students,
Yes, you heard right. There
is a dance group at Brown that
VWXGLHVWKHQHDUWRISROHGDQF-
ing. I know what youre think-
ing: Youre a slut who will burn
in hell. But, I assure you, thats
not the case.
The Poler Bears (my dance
team) is a group of empowered
phes, aware of the socio-sexual,
political implications of our ac-
tions. We are consciously in-
volved in what might be termed
DVWKHREMHFWLFDWLRQRIRXUERG-
ies, insofar as any kind of dance
REMHFWLHV WKH KXPDQ IRUP 7KLV
hyper-awareness allows us to
turn the male gaze back upon it-
self, thus overturning concepts of
hegemonic femininity. Thats a
very basic summary of the Poler
Bear philosophy, which you can
study more extensively on our
Facebook page. I could wax on for
hours about the many Foucaul-
dian underpinnings of our mis-
sion statement, but Post- will only
allot me so much space!
In short, we dont pole dance
for the pleasure of otherswe
do it to rebel against the oppres-
sive neo-masculine patriarchy of
modern western society.
-The Poler Bears
PS. Pole dancing is also a
great way to meet guys.
Im A Pole Dancer. I
Empower Women.
emeritus
Brown students are pretty much always naked.
26
FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
In the current economic
climate it seems as though
every little accomplish-
ment counts. Parents are
quick to point out that an
extra .02 tacked on to your
GPA would look really great
to, you know, employers,
honey. They are somehow
able to gloss over Browns
unique grading options in
the shiny packets that ar-
rive every once in a while
in your mailbox. Even if
they did navigate the re-
vised alphabet that is ABC/
No Credit and S/NC, they
never thought you, their
high-achieving child, would
strive for anything less than
an A.
Well, things have
changed: youve gotten
busy, youve changed your
concentration twice, and,
frankly, youve gotten a lit-
tle lazy. All of these scenar-
ios ultimately lead to that
awkward moment when
you must explain to your
parents that youve chosen
to forgo the grades this se-
mester and really explore
your interests.
Your father might
grumble about the Brown
hippie ideology getting to
you. He knew you needed
a school with grade defla-
tion, one that forced you to
work hard and kept you in
line. In turn, your mother
encourages youuntil she
realizes the class youre
taking S/NC is Econ, then
she might instead assert,
Hm, well its not too late
to change that is it?
Yes, Mom, it is. No,
Dad, Im not slacking off.
Okay, maybe just a little.
It might be best to leave
out the grading options
the next time your parents
ask about classes, instead
emphasizing all the work
youre doing and how much
your professors love you.
If youre doing so well,
then why the hell wouldnt
you just take it for a damn
grade? Touch, Mom and
Dad. Touch.
S/NC: Slacker/No Competence
top ten
ISSUES OUR FAMILIES HAVE WITH US
zo HOFFMAN
features editor
1
But we thought
you hated the
dog...
2
Can you find
somewhere else
to stay?
3
We found it.
4
Were preg-
nant!
5
Were spending
Thanksgiving at a
nudist colony in
upstate Somolia
6
Mom made you
an eHarmony
profile.
7
We f*cking
love cocaine!
8
Meet Carl, our new
polyamorous part-
ner.
9
Have you
gained weight?
10
Were watching
you.
Things We
Dont Want to
Hear From Our
Parents
FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
Dearest mother, dar-
ling fatherhow kind of
you to drop by. How was
the flight? Plus the drive?
And the three-hour layover
in Chicago, where they lost
your bags? Why am I walk-
ing so fast, you ask? Well,
parents, its not that Im
not happy to see you, its
just that I have some things
to do What things? Ok,
see, while I know that for
you this is a vacation, that
you journeyed over 1,000
miles to visit your kid, get
a glimpse of her world, see
the sights, unfortunately I
have one or two things to
take care of this weekend.
Oh nothing major, dont
worry. Theres just this
meeting I have, like, now,
for a group project for my
Poli Sci class, remember?
Im sure I mentioned it.
And thats it? Well, not
quite. Remember that play
I was telling you about,
that you were so excited
to see me in? The thing is,
we dont have just the one
performance this week-
end. We have five. As in,
three nights, two mati-
nees, and a grand total of,
umm, 24 hours that I cant
spend with you. But itll be
great! And you can see me
act! Itll be just like high
school! Whats that, you
say? A campus tour? Show
you all my favorite spots?
Lets see, let me just check
the time Ok, well, basi-
cally this is it: classrooms,
where I have class; dining
halls, where I dine; and my
dorm, where I dormir. Oh
that? Just a bit of humor
en franais. Didnt you
hear? Im taking French
now. And switching my
concentration. And work-
ing on an organic farm in
Botswana for the summer.
Didnt you get my email?
Right, sorry, well, Id love
to chat, but I really, just,
I have to go. Ive got shit
to do. Sorry, Momstuff
to do. But Im glad youre
here! So glad! Well do
brunch!
Hello, Goodbye
ISSUES OUR FAMILIES HAVE WITH US
27
From an incisive father, prepar-
ing his thoughts for a text message to
his son:
Certain aspects of the Ratty are
questionable at first glance. The cui-
sine may be fine, but I was sobered by
the flight of the last fleet of pancakes
or waffles on a Sunday, an hour or so
after the crack of noon. Wherever
the demand may come fromwith
a zombie step from a friends house,
from a floor, wearing some inexpli-
cable concoction of body paint still.
And the buffet line congeals, as each
quantum of demand loads his waffles
trepidatiously. So with these folk the
waffles go.
Previously spared of parental
gaze, post-noon wafflers will, for
a moment, question their life pat-
tern and realize breakfast cuisine is
not always served during breakfast
timefor a reason. Its a slow real-
ization, as this is mid-hangover, not
post-library, brain activity. If there
are waffles at 3pm, they will be eat-
en, as BUDS caters to the hungover
legion.
Parents are sharp enough to note
that this supply-demand match is
not built into all mechanisms of
Browns meal plan. Breakfast is at
least adjusted; after a certain point,
the waffles are gone and dinner is
served. It may be more difficult
to explain the all-hours
stations: soda, sticky
tables, cereal. You
can even have all
three at once, at
any time of day.
Barring severe
c a t a s t r o phe ,
these constants
are, assuredly,
available. A
dad who wor-
ries his kid
cant feed
himself, I
suppose, is left to revise his worries
in light of these facts: Johnnyll eat,
the questions what and when.
Johnny - No more Trix, Please Eat Salad
tyler BOURGOISE
arts & culture editor
jen HARLAN
lifestyle editor
28
FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
29
FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
30
FAMILY WEEKEND 2011
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