1DedicationI dedicate this book to my wife Gerri, my dad Stan, my mother Debbie, my children Jake, Robbie,Heather, and Robin, my extended family the Goetz family, and my faithful dog Smokey. All these peopleand others have helped me through lifes toughest times with the help of humor. The following jokesand pieces of wit were gathered from e-mails and links sent to me from family and friends when Ineeded a lift and a reminder not to take life to seriously. I wish I could acknowledge each and everyperson responsible for the humor but the authors were not made available to me. I take no credit at allfor the originality of any of these pieces of humor.
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Table of Contents
Politics Explained ..................................................................................................................................... 3What Starts With an F and ends with a K ........................................................................................... 4How to write a paper in college/university: .............................................................................................. 6Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes ...................................................................................................................... 8Don't Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant ............................................................................................. 9Before and After Marriage ..................................................................................................................... 10Stella Awards ......................................................................................................................................... 11Fruit can be Dangerous .......................................................................................................................... 13Facts of life ............................................................................................................................................ 14Abstain from Sex ................................................................................................................................... 14Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn .............................................................................................. 15More One-Liners... ................................................................................................................................. 16Toilet Wisdom ....................................................................................................................................... 17Great quotes by comedians ................................................................................................................... 18Funniest Joke in the World ....................................................................................................................
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0Air Traffic Controller Talk .......................................................................................................................
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1Cute Jokes .............................................................................................................................................
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3A few More ......................................................................................................................................... 37What to do With Baby ........................................................................................................................... 38More of the Same .................................................................................................................................. 53Hollywood Squares Questions and answers from the classic game show............................................... 54Drunk? You know you're a heavy drinker... ........................................................................................... 56True Baseball Injuries These are true injuries suffered by baseball players. ........................................... 57Daffynitions If you've got another, send it to me! ................................................................................. 60Pickup Lines Some of the best pickup lines around! .............................................................................. 65Amazing Useless Facts (and the actual facts) ...................................................................................... 69Why I Will Never Have a Girlfriend ......................................................................................................... 74Allright America ..................................................................................................................................... 78Whats not to like ................................................................................................................................... 79Smarter than You? ................................................................................................................................. 80Accident Reports ................................................................................................................................... 81
3Blonde Jokes .......................................................................................................................................... 8
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More simple jokes ................................................................................................................................. 83And then the fight started ................................................................................................................... 84The Real Meaning of Words
(from my daughter)
........................................................................... 86Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel ............................................................................ 100
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0 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity ................................................................................. 10119 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn ....................................................................................... 103Official Apology Notice ........................................................................................................................ 104TECHNICAL SUPPORT ........................................................................................................................... 105Just a few more Homer Simpson's Words of Wisdom .......................................................................... 106
Dating in the 60s
.................................................................................................................................. 110More Signs .......................................................................................................................................... 111Patient Charts ...................................................................................................................................... 117Comments On Patient Charts: .............................................................................................................. 118Murphys Laws .................................................................................................................................... 118Love Laws ............................................................................................................................................ 1
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0Little Old Lady ...................................................................................................................................... 1
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When you R in deep shi* ..................................................................................................................... 1
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ONE LINERS THAT YOU DONT WANT
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FORGET .................................................................................. 1
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P
olitics Explained
FEU
DALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.P
URE
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barnwith everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives youas much milk as you need.B
URE
A
U
C
R
ATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put themin a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to takecare of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives youas much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
F
ASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them andsells you the milk.
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