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How To Kiss A Woman

How To Kiss A Woman

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Published by Menam Meller
how to kiss a woman
how to kiss a woman

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Published by: Menam Meller on Nov 12, 2011
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05/21/2012

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by Lynn Snowden
Never underestimate the power of the perfect kiss. Get itright, and the rest will fall into place.
It has been theorized that a woman decided within five minutes of meeting a man whether or notshe will have sex with him. Possibly true, but there is one catch. Most women I know, myself included, may initiallydecide we'll have sex with a guy, but when we find out he's a bad or amediocre kisser, we change our minds entirely. We decide we will
never 
have sex with this guy. Hewon't even get asked for a nightcap, much less for breakfast the next morning. As our lips partwhile we stand on the doorstep, we will announce that we have an early-morning meeting or (if you were really awful) that we're actually already married to someone else.What we will never, ever say is, "God, you're a lousy kisser. Iwas going to have sex with you until just this moment." This isone of the ways in which men and women differ. If a man isvery attracted to a woman but discovers she's a bad or mediocrekisser, he'll probably have sex with her anyway if presentedwith the opportunity. A woman can't get past a bad kiss.(Unless, of course, she's a horrible kisser herself, but we're nottalking about those women here.) Experience has shown mostwomen that a bad kiss only spells trouble down the road, so tospeak. After all, if he hasn't mastered kissing and fails to see itssensual possibilities, what hope is there for, ahem, anythingelse?The disappointment of a bad kiss is a recurring topic of discussion among a group of single womenI run with in the park several times a week. "It tuens into a fabric softener thing," says Nora, a blondfrom Dallas, when describing the previous night's date. "You know, where the guykisses you andit's so bad but you've got to finish it up so your mind wanders and you start wondering if you haveenough fabric softener to do two loads of laundry the next day?" She laughs. "So I'm thinking aboutthat, and the guy says, "Wow! You're very passionate."Oh, the egos we would crush if men could hear the post-mortems. If any guys happen to be runningwith us, they immediately demand to know what exactly constitutes a bad or good kisser. So we tellthem about the all-purpose litmus test: A bad kisser, reguardless of whether he likes to secrete agallon of drool or waggle his head like a dog menacing a bone, seems to be simultaneously
 
thinking: " When can we get to step two? And three and four? Is she aroused yet? can I put my handon her breast now?" He sees kissing as the next step on a carnal quest. The good kisser, however,sees the kiss as the destination itself. He kisses as if he will never do anything else with thiswoman, as if he never
wants
to do anything else with this woman. He kisses as if this is what he'sbeen dying to do for years and he wants to savor every moment. I guarentee you that this is whenthe woman decides there will be other activities on the agenda.The first thing to remember: When in Doubt, Go Slowly. make that first kiss slow and gentle andeasy. While you may want to demonstrate that you're a cauldron of seething desire, save that forlater, when you're both sufficiently warmed up. In the meantime, resist the urge to mash your faceagainst hers so hard your teeth collide and she ends up with brush burns from your stubble. Onewoman in our running group actually passed out during a particularly bad kiss of this sort, when theman pressed his face to hers so tightly he blocked off her nose with his cheek, mistook her thrshingfor passion, and suddenly felt her body go limp. "i was out for maybe thrity seconds," she says."Fortunately, he had me in a bear hug, so I didn't hit the group. Of course, he thought I passed outbecause the kiss was so good." This is what's known as the Harrison Ford School of Making Out.Watch him in the movies,a nd watch his costar's face get twisted out of shape from the sheer force.this is also why they're panting afterward. It's not from desire, it's oxygen deprivation. So thesecond thing to remember while kissing is to make sure she can still breathe through her nose.There are other movie stars who perpetuate bad kissing styles. There's the Tom Cruise Method (asseen in
Top Gun
), wherebyhis tongue is already slithering out before he's met her lips. This is alsoreferred to as the Lizard-King Style, and once lip-locked, it may also feature the rather grotesquetongue-insterted-rapidly-in-and-out. Most women do not cherish the idea of kissing a largeanaconda, which is what this must be similar to. Equally unappealing is when the guy's tongueseems to be on a thorough search for any food trapped between the woman's molars. This is
her 
tongue's job, not yours. The only response possible is for the woman to open her mouth wide andremain motionless while he finishes his routing, a posture that calls to mind trips to the dentist.Like good sex and great dancing, any tongue actionshould involve a give-and-take, with both partiesallowed the opportunity for interaction in a saliva-laden minuet. Get into a groove with this, and everynow and then you may want to stop for a short timewhile still joined at thelips. Like being on a dance floorand suddenly holding your partner motionless, it canhave the galvanizing effect of heightening thesensation. this is ideally practiced in places like a dark booth in a dive bar with a great jukebox. Just makesure your sleeve doesn't catch fire from the candle onthe table.So although no one wants a tongue completely jammed down her throat, neither do we want itsexact opposite, as favored by Woody Allen, one of the screen's all-time-worst kissers. Check outthe last scene in
Hannah and Her Sisters
, and you'll see him pecking away at Dianne Wiest. ThisRoad-runner-eats-birdseed style of dry, repeated kisses accompanied by inordinately loud smacky

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