The Speaker-Listener Technique offers you an alternative way of communicating when issues are hot or sensitive, or likely to get that way. Any conversation in which you want to increase clarity and safety can benefit from this technique. Most couples (although not all) can decide whether to go out for Chinese food without this technique, but many can use more help when dealing with sensitive issues like money, sex, and in-laws. It\u2019s the structure of the technique that makes it work. Here are the rules.
hand out small cards or pieces of linoleum or carpet for couples to use. You can use anything,
though\u2014the TV remote, a piece of paper, a paperback book, anything at all. If you do not have the
floor, you are the Listener. As Speaker and Listener you follow the rules for each role. Note that the
Speaker keeps the floor while the Listener paraphrases, keeping it clear who is in which role all the
have to say it all at once. It is very important to keep what you say in manageable pieces to help the Listener actively listen. If you are in the habit of giving long monologues, remember that having the floor protects you from interruption, so you can afford to pause for the paraphrase to be sure your partner understands you. A good rule of thumb is to keep your statements to just a sentence or two, especially when first learning the technique.
allow the Listener to paraphrase what you just said. If the paraphrase was not quite accurate, you
should politely restate what was not heard in the way it was intended to be heard. Your goal is to help
the Listener hear and understand your point of view.
Speaker say, using your own words if you like, to make sure you understand what was said. The key
is that you show your partner that you are listening as you restate what you heard, without any
interpretations. If the paraphrase is not quite right (which happens often), the Speaker should gently
clarify the point being made. If you truly don\u2019t understand some phrase or example, you may ask the
Speaker to clarify or repeat, but you may not ask questions on any other aspect of the issue unless
you have the floor.
your opinion or thoughts. This is the hardest part of being a good Listener. If you are upset by what
your partner says, you need to edit out any response you may want to make, so you can continue to
pay attention to what your partner is saying. Wait until you get the floor to state your response. As
Listener, your job is to speak only in the service of understanding your partner. Any words or
gestures to show your own opinions are not allowed, including making faces. Your task is to
understand. Good listening does not equal agreement. You can express any disagreement when you
have the floor.
When using the Speaker-Listener Technique, the Speaker is always the one who determines if the
Listener\u2019s paraphrase was on target. Only the Speaker knows what the intended message was. If the
paraphrase was not quite on target, it is very important that the Speaker gently clarify or restate the
point and not respond angrily or critically.
and respectfully. Even when you disagree with the point being made by your partner, your goal is to
show respect for and validation of his or her perspective. That means waiting your turn and not
making faces or looking bored. Showing real respect and honor to one another is the goal. You can
disagree completely with your mate on a matter and still show respect. In fact, we are told in scripture
to show respect no matter what (See: 1 Peter 2:17). Just wait until you have the floor to make your
topic you mean to discuss. Many issues in marriage can become involved in one conversation, but
you\u2019ll do better on important matters if you try to stay on the issues at hand. Also, don\u2019t try to problem
solve prematurely. Focus on having a good discussion where you can get the issues on the table.
The Speaker-Listener Technique has many advantages over unstructured conversation when
discussing difficult issues. Most important is the way it counteracts the destructive styles of
communication. This is crucial. It\u2019s not that this technique is the be-all-and-end-all of good
communication. It\u2019s just one very simple way to be \u201cquick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become
angry\u201d and thereby limit the damage that patterns such as the danger signs can cause.
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