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Ultimate Jokes

Ultimate Jokes

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Published by PT INSTRUCTOR
JOKES, JOKES, & JOKES
JOKES, JOKES, & JOKES

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Published by: PT INSTRUCTOR on Oct 21, 2008
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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09/07/2012

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Difficult Question
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask thequestion, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and thebees.When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
No Extras!
A married couple goes into a dentist’s office. The husband is in a big hurry. He says, “No expensive extras, Doc.No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”“I wish more of my patients were as brave as you,” the dentist says. “Now, which tooth is it?”The husband turns to his wife and says, “Show him your tooth, honey.”
What Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman
If your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, you might want to avoid saying these:
"Sure you'll get your figure back. We'll just search 1985 to see where you left it."
"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
"What's the big deal? If you can handle 'me' going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."
"Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, will ya?"
"Yo, fatass! You're blocking the TV!"
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had a baby!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Got milk?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
Condom Size Tester
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms."What size?" asks the clerk."Gee, I don't know.""Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" Theguy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!"The guy strut over to the register, pays, and leaves.A high school kid comes in to buy condoms."What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sendshim over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
Cyanide Please
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said,"Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife,and handed it to the pharmacist.The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Top 8 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say8.
Here honey, you use the remote.
7.
You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6.
Ooh, Antonio Banderas
and 
Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5.
While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4.
Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3.
Aww, forget
Monday Night Football 
, let's watch
Melrose Place 
.
2.
Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1.
We never talk anymore.
10 Things You Don't Want To Hear In The Airport10.
"We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at $20."
9.
"I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don't yet know the effects of highradiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags."
8.
"Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don't want to know its origin. Irecommend you refrain from opening your suitcase."
7.
"Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that's why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He'ssmoking them? Hey! You rat! Save some for me!"
6.
"I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checkingattendants. No, it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and isour most commonly purchased package."
5.
"Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed."
4.
"For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: Weare currently experiencing 'turbulence,' a common by-product of 'air travel.' Please refrain from screams ofmortal danger until we've safely landed."
3.
"Madam, please take your food
now 
, the tongs are melting."
2.
"We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances, our pilot is experiencing difficulties with hissobriety level. Please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila."
 
 
1.
"This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar... oh, crap!"
Marketing 101
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's
Direct Marketing 
.You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, andpointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's
Advertising 
.You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call andsay, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's
Telemarketing 
.You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her adrink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way,I'm fantastic in bed." That's
Public Relations 
.You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's
Brand Recognition 
. 
3 ways to catch a TIGER
:
1:- NEWTON METHOD
:- let tiger catch you. Every action has equal and opposite reaction. u can catch tiger asobserved.
2:- EINSTEIN METHOD
:- run in opposite direction to tiger. According to theory of relativity tiger will run fast andget tired and then you will be able to catch it.3:-According to most efficient
POLICE METHOD:-
Catch a CAT and torture it till it agrees that its the TIGER.
A 90-year-
old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. Whatdo you think about that?"The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter andnever misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up hisumbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised hisumbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Bush Leadership Test
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadershipphilosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent."I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: yourmother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am.""Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign RelationsCommittee to the test. Bush summons Dick Lugar to the White House and says, "Senator Lugar, I wonder if youcan answer a question for me.""Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not yourbrother or your sister. Who is it?"Lugar hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"Bush agrees, and Lugar leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and theypuzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation,Lugar calls Rice at the State Department and explains his problem."Now lookee here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or yoursister. Who is it?"Rice answers immediately, "It's me, of course."Much relieved, Lugar rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer,sir! I know who it is! It's Condoleezza Rice!"And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"
There was this little boy
about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a stringbehind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madamanswered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of thewomen inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"Of course the Madam said no.He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl Iwant."Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first roomon the right.He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still draggingthe frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick theonly girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner,leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she justhappens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad
 
get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch thedisease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Momwill catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Momand catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
Certainly a halloween party to remember
 A couple was invited to a swanky masked Hallowe'en Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband togo to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to takesome aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took hiscostume and away he went.The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to gothe party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have somefun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nicechick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a ratherseductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrivedShe let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had alittle bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away andgot into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same oldthing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some otherguys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened tothe guy I loaned my costume to..."
Henry ford talking to god
 Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been sucha good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you canhang out with anyone in Heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with GodHimself."So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God,"When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?"God asks, "What do you mean?""Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: There's too much front end protrusion, itchatters way too much at high speeds, maintenance is extremely high, it constantly needs repainting, andrefinishing, it is out of commission at least five or six of every 28 days, the rear end wobbles too much, the intakeis placed too close to the exhaust, the headlights are usually too small, and fuel consumption is outrageous. Justto name a few.""Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a fewkeystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God thenturns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men areriding my invention than yours."
The brilliant mathematician
 A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able tosatisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learnthat by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll behome before midnight. - Your Husband"When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel withthe 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
ITS DARK IN HERE
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in thecloset.One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?""Yes it is," the man replies."You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks."No thanks," the man replies."I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues."OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in."Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies."TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in,agreed to the price.The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again,places her lover in the closet with her little boy."It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off."Yes it is," replies the man."Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks."OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage."Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch.""I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy."How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy."Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

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