An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask thequestion, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and thebees.When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
A married couple goes into a dentist’s office. The husband is in a big hurry. He says, “No expensive extras, Doc.No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”“I wish more of my patients were as brave as you,” the dentist says. “Now, which tooth is it?”The husband turns to his wife and says, “Show him your tooth, honey.”
What Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman
If your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, you might want to avoid saying these:
"Sure you'll get your figure back. We'll just search 1985 to see where you left it."
"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
"What's the big deal? If you can handle 'me' going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."
"Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, will ya?"
"Yo, fatass! You're blocking the TV!"
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had a baby!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
Condom Size Tester
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms."What size?" asks the clerk."Gee, I don't know.""Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" Theguy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!"The guy strut over to the register, pays, and leaves.A high school kid comes in to buy condoms."What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sendshim over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said,"Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife,and handed it to the pharmacist.The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Top 8 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say8.
Here honey, you use the remote.
You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
Ooh, Antonio Banderas
Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
While I'm up, can I get you anything?
Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
Monday Night Football
, let's watch
Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
We never talk anymore.
10 Things You Don't Want To Hear In The Airport10.
"We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at $20."
"I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don't yet know the effects of highradiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags."
"Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don't want to know its origin. Irecommend you refrain from opening your suitcase."
"Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that's why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He'ssmoking them? Hey! You rat! Save some for me!"
"I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checkingattendants. No, it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and isour most commonly purchased package."
"Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed."
"For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: Weare currently experiencing 'turbulence,' a common by-product of 'air travel.' Please refrain from screams ofmortal danger until we've safely landed."
"Madam, please take your food
, the tongs are melting."
"We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances, our pilot is experiencing difficulties with hissobriety level. Please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila."