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The Pregnant Stare

The Pregnant Stare

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Published by elizabethnn
Thanks to cwdowdy for this referance, this was quite enjoyable.
Thanks to cwdowdy for this referance, this was quite enjoyable.

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Categories:Types, Reviews, Book
Published by: elizabethnn on Dec 02, 2011
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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10/18/2014

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THE PREGNANT STAREBy: Charles DowdyMy wife gets pregnant every time I look at her.I used to show off this little talent for the guys at dinner parties. My wife would beslugging wine on the other side of the room and I’d make eye contact with her and poof, she’d be pregnant. It’d be a minute or two before she was certain, undoubtedly praying it was gas, thenshe’d stare at me and scream, “Charles, I’m still carrying ten pounds from the last one.” Puttingthe half empty glass of wine to her lips, she’d meet the disapproving stares of the other womenaround her, then she’d smash the wine glass on the floor as she yelled, “Damn it!”My friends and I would howl over the whole thing.Well, actually, it was only funny the first five or six times it happened.Once all those babies started living with us, I quickly concluded that getting my wife pregnant as a party trick really wasn’t funny at all.In fact, not looking at my wife became kind of stressful. It was hard on our marriage. Onetime our eyes met over the percolator while we were waiting for coffee.“Damn it!” I yelled.“That’s all you can say?” My wife stormed away in her thick, fuzzy slippers. “Now I’moff caffeine for two weeks, you sorry son of a bitch!”
 
Two weeks. At least her pregnancies were quick. It turned out my wife and I were so wellsuited for procreation that she could go from inception to birth in about fourteen days. Rarelywas there time for a proper doctor’s visit, so we never knew the sex of the child. These rapid pregnancies caused plenty of confusion, too. One time she delivered a hung up burrito by c-section, ten days after visiting an overrated Tex-Mex restaurant. (Talk about embarrassing anddisgusting.) Of course, that whole pregnancy had seemed off kilter to me anyway. I mean, howcould she have gotten pregnant? We sat back to back while we drank our margaritas.Still, my wife was leading a miserable existence. I sympathized with her frustration. I feltterrible when I accidentally looked at her and she got pregnant.Mostly because she looked sad and out of style.When it comes to fashionable maternity wear, we were much too poor to keep up withher rapid fire pregnancies. One Monday night she got between me and the football game and Ilooked at her on accident. She didn’t scream or thrown anything at me. Her head dropped, shesighed, then trudged down the hall to put on her dreary maternity clothing, exchanging her lacyundies for granny panties big enough to hold two watermelons. That Monday Night Football pregnancy almost broke my heart. Of course, then we made eye contact while I was feeling sorryfor her being pregnant again and four days after that pregnancy, she had triplets.We went to a specialist about it. He said that since my wife was getting pregnant whenwe weren’t physically having sex, his only solution would be to give me an imaginaryvasectomy. I asked him if I got to pay for it with imaginary money. When he said no, we decidedto try something else.
 
So we went to therapy. This guy said he had to see the pregnant stare in action before hewould know how to treat it. So I got my wife pregnant again and this psychiatrist wrote an awardwinning medical piece called “The Ultimate Mind F*%@” which did little to help us, but puthim on the bestseller lists.We were at an impasse. I offered to wear impenetrable sun glasses at all times. But mywife wasn’t willing to risk it and suggested I have my eyeballs cut out.Our accountant was always on our case, too. He had this hang up about the number of dependants we claimed. He flat out insisted we get it right, down to the exact number, everysingle year. Like the Feds were going to surround the house with a SWAT team if we actuallyhad fourteen kids instead of fifteen? This level of detail drove me crazy. (It also begged thequestion: if an insanity plea could get you off something as serious as a murder charge, then howcome it didn’t work with white collar crime?)Anyway, we had these friends who were unable to get pregnant. For years they tried tohave a child and nothing worked for them. So they decided to go the adoption route, but gotdiscouraged pretty quickly since everyone wanted their money, but no one had a decent baby. Itwas such a con job. I offered to give them a few of our children, but these friends asked if Iwould be willing to look at the wife instead. You know, they wanted me to see if I could stareher into a pregnancy. I agreed and stared at her as hard as I could for hours. Nothing happened. Isuggested it might work better if I stared at her while she was naked, but they decided to giveadoption one more chance.So, now the wife and I do what we can to limit the number of pregnant stares. We prettymuch keep to opposite sides of the house and each time we enter another room we’ll announce it

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