Fighting like an old, married Newt Gingrich

Those candidates were fighting like an old married couple, the television commentator said. I took a deep breath as this expert in marital relations blathered on. Really? Political candidates fighting like an old married couple? That has to be one of the stupidest sayings in the English language. Why? Because most old, married couples dont yell and scream when the other one is trying to say something. They dont have notes or position statements. They dont poke a shaking index finger while they fight about tax cuts. They certainly dont measure their own life experience at the expense of the other, since most of that life has been lived together. By and large, old, married couples do one of two things. They show each other love and respect. Or they pretend like their significant other is already dead in the ground. Either way can work for long term marital success. That is why they are old, and still married. Maybe the saying should be, They fight like a middle-aged married couple. Thats the best kind of marital fighting. I mean, when was the last time you saw a news story about Myrtle taking out her dentures and attacking poor Robert while he tried to escape on his walker? Doesnt happen too often. But, for middle-aged couples, there are plenty of

opportunities for gory, blood spattered headlines. Sure, years of a limited lifetime have already been invested in the relationship. But there is some give there, because while they suddenly add up to a serious number, the middle-aged married couple still doesnt have to die together. Not so for their older counterparts. Unless they are filthy rich, the trade-in option has long since expired for old, married couples. However, for most middle-aged married couples, they can still hop off the marital train anytime they choose, as long as they acknowledge the train might be passing through Akron. The saying could NEVER be, They fight like a newly married couple. Please. Talk about immaturity. Toilet seats up. Garbage cans not taken out. Or maybe it is that tired argument about whose genetic bloodline is responsible for their kids awful behavior? These are hardly worthy of serious discussion. (And for me, fighting at the beginning of our marriage was just something I did so we could move along to the makeup sex. Sure, I was going through the motions, but most of the time I wasnt even sure what hell we were fighting about. My mind was focused on the good part.) No, middle-age marital fighting is where its at. Young enough that the fires of passion can burn down the forest, but mature enough to fight about subjects worthy of breaking out the hose. Or so I thought. Right now my wife and I seem to have reached a strange stage in our middle-age disagreements where we fight about things that will not happen. Not something one of us actually did or said, but ghosts of marital offenses that one of us could not possibly do, like blowing the mortgage payment on lottery tickets, or having an affair with Brad Pitt.

We even got started on a pretty good fight recently when there was nothing to fight about. Bethany was spending a weekend with her childhood friends in a rural location. This was not a lack of communication fight. It was a situation where we did not know our ability to communicate had been cut off and our imaginations ran wild. First, I called and texted on Friday. There was no response. That wasnt a big deal. She was catching up, drinking a little wine, having a good meal with old friends. Then, on Saturday, I called or texted more things of no great importance, but matters that I still felt obliged to share since we live in an age of instant communication gratification. Most of it had something to do with a flower bed. Anyway, I grew more and more alarmed at her lack of response. By the time Saturday night rolled around I was pissed that she did not care one bit about our damn roses and wanted to know what her stinking problem was! It turned out she was doing exactly the same thing. It never occurred to either of us that the other person was not receiving the communication. I was convinced she was mad about Scenario A and over time I became mad that she was acting like a nit. I mean, really? Scenario A was so stupid. Meanwhile, Bethany was convinced I was mad about Scenario B. No matter that Scenario B was Richard Simmons ridiculous. By Saturday night she was ready to castrate me because I was being so freaking selfish and immature. Besides instant gratification in communication, maybe another reason this episode escalated to marital war after a mere forty-eight hours of non-communication was because we dont do the silent treatment. It is not in our marital repertoire. After my fifteenth phone call, I even began thinking of potential events that would have made her lack of response acceptable to

me. Obviously, I didnt want her to die from a car accident, but a coma would have been all right. Maybe the car rolled so violently that all of her identification flew out and she was a Jane Doe in some wayward ICU. OK, it would be kind of hard to get mad about that, although then I might make the usual joke about her driving and she is so hyper sensitive to any comments about that that wed probably end up in one whiz bang of a battle before she was even out of her wheelchair. A kidnapping could have passed muster as well, as long as they didnt want to ransom her. That can get embarrassing once you get the person back. They only wanted $10,000 and you tried to talk them down? Thats what Im worth to you? Ten measly thousand dollars? Or maybe she had stopped at a lonely fruit stand in the Delta, determined to find something healthy that her children would eat. Only the fruit stand was a scheme and while she was perusing the peaches one of the men stole her car along with her purse and cell phone. It turns out the guy with the fruit stand was in on the job and it was actually a fruit stand on a bike. So he peddled away while my wife chased him in less than sensible shoes and eventually ended up stranded on a lonely two-lane blacktop road in the middle of nowhere. Thatd be all right with me as far as her lack of response went, even if it meant I would be replacing her phone, again. She wont throw away a disposable razor, but shell toss a Motorola out the window like a piece of gum. Either way, when Bethany finally got home, we were ready to go at it, only the fight had no legs since neither of us had any reason to be mad about anything in the first place. It took us a few minutes to figure that out, then she wandered away, leaving me feeling like the single balloon that didnt get popped at a kids birthday party. It is not like I enjoy fighting with Bethany. But I was ready for this particular fight, which is something of an investment, since I refuse to argue with her before the proper time.

Of course, Bethany will go to war at the drop of a hat. My wife has big eyes. I know that shes ready to tie up when they bore into me and she asks questions that make me feel guilty for no particular reason. What are you doing? Nothing. The eyes become brown telescopes that peer through my pores at the faults orbiting inside me. Really big. Uncomfortably big. Eighth grade science project big. No. Somethings going on, Charles. You look like you have something on your mind. Nope. I promise. All good. See, Bethany believes in having it out in the moment. And sometimes if she isnt sure it is the moment, shell test the waters just to be sure. I take the opposite approach. So when she gets suspicious, how do I tell her Im preparing for the fight we might have in a few days time? This is important because I avoid spontaneous fights with my wife. Bethany is stubborn. She comes about it honestly. She rarely admits she is wrong about anything. Even when she does take the blame, it is done in such a backward manner that I cant figure out if she is apologizing to me or if Im apologizing to her. So what Bethany doesnt realize is that by the time we have the actual fight, Ive mentally analyzed every direction the fight can go. Once I spell out contentious point A to get the fight rolling, if Bethany yells B in response, then Ill respond with C to counter her. Sometimes these preordained fights have the unintended consequence of additional looks of disdain on my face when Im actually disappointed by the reason she is employing for our fight. Thats the way youre going with this? Ill think. Really? Thats the best you can do?

Im not mapping out our marital arguments in advance for me to win them either, because no one ever really does. It is simply a matter of safety. For me, fighting with Bethany is like being a chain smoker who juggles nitroglycerin. Ill explain. In most marriages that have gotten beyond the aluminum anniversary, a fight is no different than an argument between two people with entrenched and opposing political views. Once the passions are inflamed, you simply wont hear someone say, Frank, lo these forty two years Ive been dead wrong. Im going to totally change my views on abortion and a womans right to choose. Just like you dont hear, Youre right, honey, I dont do my fair share of helping with the homework and their bad grades really are my fault. In fact, in most successful marriages, the two participants are like two opposing political parties. My wife is extremely passionate. At times, I think she is actually capable of hating me. So, my wife is the Newt Gingrich of our marriage. Not her beliefs, mind you, just her method of discussion. I can hardly say Im the Barack Obama of our marriage. (Newt Gingrich the wife just shouted You wish! then mouthed off something about racial stereotypes.) No, Im probably closer to the Teddy Kennedy of this outfit, without the whole car in the ditch thing. Either way, just like I cant summon the hate for opposing political beliefs that others seem to have for mine, I also fail to muster the same heat my wife brings to our marital discussions. There are some ill informed among us who get fed up with this manner of entrenched discussion among our political types, you know, one firing away and the other taking blow after blow. They think it might be better for the country if both major parties could argue the same manner, instead of the

right busting the balls of the left, while the left sits there and takes it as they stroke their little Lenin beards. This is not a good idea. There needs to be a give and take. An ebb and flow. Otherwise the countrys government would simply divorce, not unlike a lot of politicians on the right already seem to do. OK, maybe the Newt thing takes it a step too far, because just like Im not going end up in some ditch with another woman, Bethany is not going to leave me until the bitter end. She is fiercely loyal and takes marriage vows a whole lot more seriously than Newt, or the vast majority of our country does, either. (Seriously, if Newt Gingrich had walked away from two perfectly good mortgages, just left in the dark of night and let the bank foreclose, would he still be in the running for a presidential nomination? I really liked the kitchen when I bought it, but now it looks dated and aged. Im in the market for something newer, maybe a condo down by the water. Condos are kind of sexy.) Im also not inferring that Bethany will announce shes leaving me while I have cancer, or that she will be married three times. What I mean is that she tries with all her might to give off this professorial, restrained air as she enters any contentious discussion. But, if you push a certain button, a comment about the mountains of dirty laundry on the floor with her, possible tax increases with Newt, then the gloves of reason come off with these two and were talking about a lot of batshit crazy behavior. (OK, in the spirit of full disclosure, every once in a while I get my Newt Gingrich on, but mostly I sip my drink and channel my inner Teddy. Wonder why that only seems to make my wife more angry?)

I honestly cant say what my fighting face looks like. In the heat of the moment I can hardly take the time to check a mirror. I try to simulate my angry face while I work through the possible directions a fight with my wife can go, but that looks nothing short of ridiculous. Of course, the shaving cream doesnt help. Bethanys fighting face is something to behold. She almost never plays the victim anymore. Sure, early in the marriage, crying would earn her a free pass on a few nasty diapers. Were beyond that. Were both victims. Weve been married for fifteen years. Now she goes from 0 to 60 right down anger boulevard. The eyes look like they should explode out of her head. She cuts me off. A lot. She yells. A lot. I start to respond, then she starts yelling again, which would be a serious problem if I didnt rehearse for it. And she employs lots of rapid, jerky hand gestures, so it looks like she is performing a Nazi salute while trying to kill a room full of mosquitoes. I dont know what Bethany sees when I fight back, but I rarely let her see is how much the fight itself pains me. Thats because after fifteen years together I still worship her. Even her imperfections are perfect. OK, I have to admit, the fights are reassuring in one way. After all, I still want to be sure that she is fighting for us, and not because she is sick of us, or more likely, me. Doesnt any marriage have to be worth fighting for? I simply want to be certain that it is passion driving us forward. Sure, Im a little bit of an emotional fraidy cat when it comes to my wife. A lot of what motivates me during our arguments has to do with limiting the damage. Thats because some words simply cant be unsaid. What if we lose control of ourselves and create an irreparable void through our anger? As a newly married couple, who cared? In old age,

what the hell are we going to fight about once the kids are gone and the dogs are dead? But in middle age, the fighting ground is still fertile. The crop is in the field, but not the barn. Perhaps I am trying to steer our foray into middle-aged anger in the best possible direction, in order to make sure we emerge on angers other side hand in hand. Because fighting mad or not, Ill always love my little Newt Gingrich of a wife. And while winning or losing a marital spat is of no consequence to me, losing her is something Im simply not willing to do.