JOEY AND MARIA

A play by Julian Remigaard (1974) Act I

SCENE ONE

(The stage is completely empty, save for an ancient man in a white suit, clutching a cane in onehand, his coat in the other. This is our narrator. He is backlit by a soft, yellow bulb.)

NARRATORThis here is the tale of Joey and Maria, two spitfires that would make ol’ Beelzebub blush.Joey with a dick hard as a diamond, Maria with a butt so plump you could balance an entireEncyclopedia Britannica set on it. This is their story. The story of two lovers. A story of secretkisses and cupid’s near misses. A story so old I forgot when it was told. Now, permit this old bagof bones to get out of the way and let the story creep along. (Narrator takes a considerable amount of time to hobble offstage. The curtains open toreveal JOEY and friend JIMMY in JIMMY’S bedroom. Both are naked and slathering their hair with pomade. They stand in front of JIMMY’S closet doors, both of which are entirely mirrored.)

JIMMYSo Joey, I hear you’re takin’ Maria Big Butt out on a date tonight. JOEYYeah, I’m takin’ her on a date, alright. A date to Hotel Joey. JIMMYWhen’d you get a hotel, Joey? JOEY

(Stops combing his hair, looks at JIMMY.)By that I mean she’ll be bobbin’ on this thing all night. (Gestures toward flaccid penis.)

JIMMYYou are so lucky. I can’t even get Rhonda to let me pop it in the back door. JOEYThat’s the Joey Special!(Both laugh and high five, lights fade out.)

SCENE TWO

(MARIA is cooking spaghetti in the kitchen. She is at an old stove. Seated at the table in thecorner is her geriatric father. Both are lit from above.) MARIA

Here’s your Pasta Puttanesca, Papa. DADMamma mia, Maria, you so good to your father. You makin’ your old Papa so proud. MARIATi amo, Papa, I love you more than life.(DAD crosses himself, then lifts a forkful of spaghetti to his mouth. Both freeze as the narrator issuddenly present in the corner. He inhales deeply, smiles, then rubs his stomach.)

NARRATORIf I wasn’t so full, I’d probably go up and sneak a little bite. Why did I eat so much Chinese foodbefore I started narrating this play? Oh well, that’s for God to know and me to find out onceI reach those pearly gates. (starts to cry) Forgive these tears. I just know I’ll be going on mymerry way out of this life soon. I’m a silly, crying old fool. My baby is waiting for me in Heaven.(sing-songy voice)

But I’ll be there in a minute, darling. Wait for me.

Now back to the spaghetti. (DAD and MARIA resume their conversation.)

DADI love-a my Maria so much. My sweet-a baby Maria.MARIATu amor, Papi. You old, silly Bapparizzi. There’s more Pasta Puttenesca where that came from.But if you’ll excuse me, I have a date to get ready for.DAD He a nice boy, Maria? He a good boy? Papi wishes he could meet him but my heart. I so weak,Maria.MARIAI dont know enough about him, Papi. But I have a feeling he’s a good boy.

SCENE THREE

(JOEY is honking his car outside, waiting for Maria to come to him. He is psyching himself up inthe mirror.) JOEYOhhhh yeeeeah. Who wants it? You want it? Oh yeah, girl. She wants a piece of Joey. (JOEYhonks the horn twice while continuing his psych-up in the mirror) And what she wants she canget. (He starts screaming) Cause Joey has it! (He reaches into an imaginary dashboard andgrabs for a pill bottle. He gingerly takes one out and swallows it.) Mrs. Joey Foncoolo, Mrs. Joey

Foncoolo, Mrs. Joey Foncoolo. (He repeats until he sees her come out the door. He breathesdeeply as opens the door.)JOEYHow’s doin’ hon? You look like a 100% doll face. Can Joey get a kiss? MARIA(Fake talking to herself.)Look, he asks for a kiss before she’s barely in the door. I told you he was good for nothin’.JOEYWho’s good for nothin’? Joey? MARIAI only know of one other person in the car besides me.JOEYBesides you? MARIAMe. JOEYBut it was you who was talkin’. MARIALook at him, thinks he knows what’s what before the door’s even shut.JOEYYou talkin’ to me when you talkin’ like that? MARIAHe’s askin’ if I’m talkin’ to him. My mother always said the Foncoolos were not worth a damn.JOEYWell, we all know your mother’s in hell. Rottin’ with Hitler and John Wayne Gacy. And Jimmy theRat. All the boys know where your mother is.MARIAIf I didn’t just have a manicure, I’d be punching a hole in your face.JOEYWhy don’t you use that hole in

your

face to suck my dick?