Children and Funerals

When a family experiences the death of a loved one, parents oftenask,”Should I take my child to the funeral?” In most cases, it is appropriate to takeeven small children to a visitation or a funeral, at least for a short time. Any child,who reaches up and touches his papa’s face or snuggles into his mommy’s neck, isshowing love. Children who feel love can also feel grief. Without love, there seldomis grief. Deciding to take a child to a funeral or visitation depends on the child’srelationship with the person who died. If the relationship was a close one, by allmeans bring the child no matter what his age. Visitations are less formal thanfunerals and most children are a welcome relief to those who are grieving. A funeralservice, much like a church service, is more formal lasting from twenty minutes tosixty minutes in length. If the parent is grieving strongly and has trouble caring forher child, ask a good friend who is less involved to help by sitting with the child inthe back seats of the chapel. The grownup can take the child out if she becomes adistraction to the grievers.Little kids can understand that death is the absence of life. They see it allthe time in nature; leaves, bugs, worms, birds, animals in the road etc. What seemsto trouble children the most is the thought that they are personally responsible fora death. In their young minds they believe they have power to changecircumstances. For example when daddy is grumpy, they smile at him and magicallyhe smiles back. But if he fails to smile back, the child thinks that somehow they areat fault.I remember working with an eight year old little girl who was positive shemade her grandma die because she prayed that God would “take” her grandma so shewouldn’t suffer anymore. This little girl was shocked when her grandma actually diedand was surprised that God actually answered her prayers. She regretted herrequest, felt responsible and felt overwhelmed with grief. Her feelings were soonresolved as she talked it over with a caring, non judgmental, knowledgeable adult.She was able to figure out for herself that everyone in the family was praying forgrandma’s release from suffering. She also understood that if grandma had not died,grandma would still be in a lot of pain. After she thought this through, she was ableto feel relief that grandma’s suffering was over and let go of her responsibility forgrandma’s death.If children do not hear the truth about what happened or are left to figureit out them selves, they will almost certainly make up their own story which canactually be worse than the truth. Even the old saying, “don’t open an umbrella in thehouse or someone will die” can be taken literally by kids, especially if someone doesdie in the near future. Children need adults when they are facing something astraumatic as the death of a loved one.

Several years ago when I worked as the Children’s Bereavement Director fora funeral home who’s staff understood kids feelings, a young child, four years old,died tragically in a drowning accident. His parents ran a small daycare with abouttwelve children ranging in age from two to four. All the children knew and playedwith Timmy on a daily basis. Timmy’s parents heard about the children’s program atthe funeral home and called to talk with us. The funeral director and I encouragedthe family to inform the daycare children’s parents we would be there to help them.At the designated day and hour the children and their parents arrived. Someof the children were weeping, some were clinging to Mom or Dad and others hadbewildered looks on their little faces. These little kids were facing a very difficult“first time” in their lives. They’d experienced many of them already: first time tothe dentist, first time getting dressed by them selves and first time going toschool, among others. Most children usually do not have experience with someonethey love dying until they are much older. Nevertheless the parents of thesechildren were to be commended for understanding that this experience was bestfaced head on for emotional wellness.Our goals for the 10-15 minute talk were to 1-encourage trust in us ashelpers from both the children and their parents. 2-use kid friendly terms toexplain what happened to their friend and what would happen next 3-givepermissions for feelings, thoughts and questions and 4-provide concrete ways forthem to honor and celebrate their friend.We accomplished the first and second goals by identifying with the kids whenwe sat on the floor with them and spoke the truth by talking in their language andexpressing feeling words as their parents listened in. We used a puppet to explainlife and death. When my hand was in the puppet, there was “life”. When I removedmy hand, the “life” was gone, very similar to what had happened to their friend.With no life in the body, therefore, their little friend did not feel anything anymore which is an important point to children who feel afraid that the deceased childwill be scared or cold. The third goal was accomplished by giving the childrenpermission to feel all different kinds of emotions. We named several emotions anddeclared that all feelings are OK. But it was important to do something with ourfeelings that would not hurt ourselves or anyone else. To complete the fifth goal, weshowed “tools” we could use to express feelings in a healthy way in the form ofpuppets, quiet toys and art supplies.We invited the children and their parents to see their friend in the casketsurrounded by many of his favorite things his parents had brought such as hisblanket, his teddy bear and even his shoes. The children and their families foundcomfort in seeing these ordinary things and after some tears, they began to sharememories of their friend and soon, tears turned into laughter at some funny thingtheir friend had done. When the daycare kids became a little restless I invitedthem to come with me to the play area. Paper hearts, stickers and letters wereavailable to stick on a length of pink cloth to make a banner for their friend. With a