For the first time in Kenyon's history, two wheelchairbound students have been admitted. Admissions: "we want our new wheelchaired students to feel that they belong at Kenyon" student body president: "everyone, regardless of race, class, gender, or physical ability, deserves the same Kenyon experience"
For the first time in Kenyon's history, two wheelchairbound students have been admitted. Admissions: "we want our new wheelchaired students to feel that they belong at Kenyon" student body president: "everyone, regardless of race, class, gender, or physical ability, deserves the same Kenyon experience"
For the first time in Kenyon's history, two wheelchairbound students have been admitted. Admissions: "we want our new wheelchaired students to feel that they belong at Kenyon" student body president: "everyone, regardless of race, class, gender, or physical ability, deserves the same Kenyon experience"
NOW HI RI NG If interested, email your name to kenyon.collegiate@gmail.com by Thursday at 5 p.m. By Dan Schlumphrey RANSOM-For the frst time in Kenyons history, two wheelchair- bound students have been admitted into the incoming freshman class. According to Dean of Admissions Jennifer Delahunty, accessibility is the issue at handbut some nec- essary steps may prove to be dif- fcult. With the size of our endow- ment, she said, there are things we can and cant do. Things like installing a wheelchair ramp in As- cension or Samuel Mather Hall? Probably out of the question. An elevator? No way. But despite all that, she con- tinued, we want our new wheel- chaired students to feel that they belong at Kenyonwhich is why weve hired professional photog- raphers to follow them around and snap pictures for the Orientation booklet and the Alumni Bulletin. Student Body President Hannah Boglovski 09 echoed Delahuntys concerns. A lot of people say that tradition is what makes Kenyon a special place, she said, but tradi- tion is what kept blacks, women, and fnally cell phones from fnd- ing homes here. The admittance of fully disabled students is a milestone for Kenyon, which is why we need to make sure that its properly documented. In response to queries about the safety of Middle Path during win- ter months, Boglovski admitted that little progress will be made to transform the slush- and ice- covered morass into something re- motely navigable in a wheelchair. I agree that everyone, regard- less of race, class, gender, or physical ability, deserves the same Kenyon experience, Boglovski said. Fortunately, the steps were taking for the Class of 2013 will guarantee that every student has the opportunity to infate the image of Kenyons minority representa- tion for fundraising brochures. INSIDE THIS ISSUE Confused Econ Majors Mistake Tarp Party for T.A.R.P. Party Horse Girls Lure Campus To Open Barn, Giddy Hair Braiding, Pony Sketching Weekend Rave Dazzles Campus, Student Rain: Frats At Fault Rugby Players Return To Campus, Leaving Only Death In Their Wake By Saul Oldman GATES OF HELLKenyon College can breathe easy once againthe nightmare is over. The rugby alums have left. They descended on Gambier like the locusts of the Apocalypse, seemingly sent by the Archfend himself to bring about destruction of the 184-year-old academic in- stitution. Everywhere they went, terror followed. Crops withered, livestock died, the young became ill and the old insane. Truly it seemed as though the End of Days had fnally come. No one on campus is quite sure what brought about the sudden ar- rival of the rugby alums; their gi- ant ogre-like forms were thought to have been banished and cast out years ago. Some whisper of a judgment from on high for the sins of Shock Your Mom and the S****ing and F***ing posters, while others speak openly of a sin- ister cult of rugby players having summoned the hordes back to Ke- nyon for some unknown reason. Whatever the cause of their re- turn, it was a time of chaos and destruction. The frst rugby alums arrived on campus around noon on Good Fri- day, a blasphemous affront to the Crucifxion of our Lord. They im- mediately tore through downtown Gambier, burning and pillaging everything in their path. The Vil- lage Market, Gambier Deli, and Middle Ground all reported sack- ings that afternoon and evening, and the Village Inn and Cove were completely sapped of ales and mead by 8:00. The Offce of Security and Safe- ty reported dozens of beheadings, impalements, defenestrations, and at least one instance of a method of execution known only as the blood eagle at the hands of the rugby alumni over the weekend. The giant, hairy beast-men were also accused of clogging numer- ous drains and toilets during their reign of terror, but this has yet to be verifed by Collegiate reporters or Maintenance. Two days of unabated slaughter were brought to a close on Easter Sunday when College chaplain Karl Stevens 95 met with the self-appointed Khan of the rugby alums Gorbeck Son of Bomar 06, a.k.a. the Scourge of God, on Middle Path near the Church of the Holy Spirit. None are certain as to what the holy man and the barbarian discussed, but whether it was a plea for the sparing of Kenyon College or a persuasive denouncement of the Arian heresy the results are the same: the rugby alums left and shall never return. Two rugby alums going for a try. Jackass Looking Forward To Take Back The Night By Mildred Gout ACLAND APARTMENTSAs Kenyon prepares for this weekends Take Back the Night events, many students anticipate an emotional gathering as the college faces up to issues of sexual assault and violence against women. For campus jackass Buck Lillepson 09, however, Take Back the Night has a very special meaning. Take Back the Night is the Wim- bledon of edgy humor, Lillepson said. I was a little worried going into it this yearI thought Id be totally spent after all the Elian Gon- zalez jokes I made during Social Justice Week. But Take Back the Night is just begging to be made fun of. In his fnal year of overestimat- ing his gift for comedy at Kenyon, Lillepson plans on going for the gold. The weeks been pretty in- tense so far. I made a Central Park Jogger joke in front of the people handing out ribbons in Peirce. (Continued on Page 2) 1 Below: Lillepson gets ready. Then I loudly threatened to streak through the Speak Out session when we were eat- ing dinner. Ive also got a couple photographs of penises to staple to the trees along Middle Path. I might send a couple Allstus, but Im still on the fence about that. The grand fnale`s defnitely going to be the party, though. During the campus-wide Take Back the Night carnival on Saturday, his Acland apart- ment will host an alcoholic party in violation of TBTN etiquette. The theme is I Dont See Your Name on That Night. Im gonna project hardcore porn on the wall, play Chris Brown, and everyones gonna drink 40s. I made a Facebook event for it. After a week of impressively juvenile hu- mor, Sunday afternoon will serve as a much- deserved day of rest. Lillepson plans on watching four hours of Battlestar Galactica, cleaning his room, and calling his mommy. (From TBTN: Page 1) Jesus Dies, Lives, Returns To Campus By Stillwater Stevens BETA ROCKIn a stunning development prophesied by ancient Hebrew soothsayers, the Dead Sea Scrolls, and a recent Mel Gibson- directed blockbuster, Jesus of Nazareth, son of our most holy Lord, returned to campus this Easter Sunday last in his sea-green Sebring convertible. I thought itd be kinda anticlimactic if I re- turned to the non-ethereal plane at the caves, where theyve got an actual boulder that could be rolled away, Jesus said in an exclusive Collegiate interview following a surprisingly sparsely attended forum called Take That, Pharisees: Jesus Actually Came Back! So I decided to let those Koinonia folks roll away the Beta Rock, He said, and act sur- prised when I drove up. He who died for our sins was most gracious in his return, remarked Koinonia co-chair Casey Bramson 11. The plans, foretold in the Scriptures, were clear to all true believers. Plus, hes been Skyping with us for like a week. IN YOUR FACE, POSTMILLENNIAL DISPENSATIONALISTS! I told you hed come back before the Rapture! added an ec- static Bramson, jabbing his fnger toward a nearby group of skulking eschatologists. Festivities were in great supply following the return of the one true God. Koinonias Mather triple played host to several hours of water- and soda-pong tournaments which, predictably, were dominated by our Lord and savior. My name, was everybody awkward! I tried to turn the water into wine so people would loosen up, but they wouldnt have it, Jesus said later. Maybe they werent wine people. I could have done Pabst. The Apostles were such wine snobs. Makes Me miss My carpenters those dudes loved PBR. Unfortunately for his adoring followers, Je- sus couldnt help but grow weary of the end- less stream of questions from the faithful: You ever seen that Chris Farley Show sketch on SNL where he asks questions like, You re- member when you were in the Beatles? to Paul McCartney? It was kinda like that. The Christ ended up spending the evening at the Duplex with the D-Phis who, Jesus noted with a grin, were the unholiest bunch of Hell- bound sinners Ive ever laid eyes on! Satan could tempt, but daaaaaaamn, he aint got nothin on Delta Phi. On the Monday following Jesus return, the Son of God and his loving disciples promptly disappeared from campus. And no, He clari- fed Sunday evening, 'that doesn`t include you guys who only go to Church on Christmas and Easter. You think we cant see through that? 2013 Deferred By Cornelius Coot The Offce of Admissions proudly an- nounced this week that all applicants for the class of 2013 have been deferred. The drastic measures were taken after Kenyon concluded that the long-term benefts outweigh the ab- sence of a single class. B. Meryl Yu, Director of Admissions, argued the approach would boost Kenyons reputation for decades. Sure we dont have any incoming freshmen, she said, but just imagine the cred- ibility well gain from having a 0% acceptance rate. Well be the most exclusive educational institution in the world. Ever. Plus, doesnt ev- eryone hate the freshman anyway? This years applicants were the most quali- fed, prestigious, and Kenyon-worthy, but the college just said no. The applicants averaged a 4.2 weighted GPA and were heavily involved in extracurricular activities. A record number of minorities were interested in Kenyon fol- lowing the successful campaign to diversify the campus. Five applicants even refused to list their ethnicity for their applications. Hopefully Kenyon is in for a treat! Money allocated for scholarships will be re- invested in the mysterious Sustorium. Technically they havent been rejected yet, but that letter is already in the mail, Yu elabo- rated. We wanted to give them false hopes so theyll apply next year when were actually ac- cepting people again. Chester Chompolompolus, an applicant from Greece, visited campus earlier this week and found Kenyon to be the college of his dreams. A distinguished Greco-Roman scholar and ac- complished Cuban jazz pianist, Chompolom- polus eagerly informed the Collegiate that he already told his mother back home to throw out his acceptance letters from other schools. Why settle for mediocrity when I know this campus will share my values? he said. His rejection letter will take over two weeks to arrive. Chompolompolus, before his dreams were deferred. 2 Rear Admiral . . . . . . . . . . . . Skeeter Demiglace Brigadier General . . . . . . . . . . . . Cornelius Coot First Tiger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dan Schlumphrey Lance Corporal . . . . . . . . . . . Montana Criminitely Fifer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Stillwater Stevens Staff Sergeant . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mildred Gout Senior Aircraft Woman . . . . . . . . Phylenia Odious Tsar of all the Russias . . . . . . . . . . . Saul Oldman Hipparch . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tigger French Seaman . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sheridan Whiteside Standard Bearer . . . . . . . . . . . . Diesel Jackson COLLEGIATE STAFF Missing in Action . . . . . . . . Luther Honeybucket Consultants . . . . . . . Bumpy Doofus, Brandon Yott Interns . . . . . . . . . . . Roche Brasiliano, Simon de Danser, Richard Hawkins, Samuel Black Sam Bellamy, Hayreddin Barbarossa, Christopher New- port, Calico Jack Rackham, Moric Benovsky, Bar- tholomew Black Bart Roberts, Zheng Zhilong, Robert Surcouf, Grace OMalley, Edward Black- beard Teach, Paul Watson, Asad Booyah Abdulahi Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . . . . . Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Col- legiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO With reporting by Diesel Jackson Vernon Schubel is at Middle Ground blogging. He hates how they play hip- hop during the afternoons. What hap- pened to the good old days? Ugh! John Hofferberth cant stop Twitter- ing . . . Kristin Hofferberth cant stop Twit- tering . . . Yang Xiao is at the Cove$.75 PBRs! Vernon Schubel @Yang Ill be there in a sec. P. F. Kluge is in his garden at home, listening to otis redding. coffee, morning cigar and the nyt crossword in ink. come by if you want tomatoes/ cilantro . . . Ben Schumacher needs a milkshake. David Liebowitz @Kristin I think its called Tweeting. Bruce Hardy is going shopping for more kiltstotally underratedand then to a sustainable agriculture lec- ture in Mansfeld. Fred Baumann is listening to hip- hop in his offce hours. Sam Pack whoa @Bruce! Calm down, dog! No ones hatin, homie. Playa to playa, pimp to pimp! John Hofferberth is going to dinner with Kristin. Kristin Hofferberth is going to din- ner with John. H. Abbie Erler is reading Presiden- tial Studies Quarterly and loving it! LOL!! Will Scott http://tinyurl.com/esnx Tammy Gocial brb. jk! tty never. Faculty, Administration Discover Twitter Hot For Teacher: Young Professors Look For Love By Sheridan Whiteside GAMBIERSomething was going on at the small Woodside bungalow, but from the usual signs it was hard to tell exactly what. Shadows mingled dream- ily on the curtains and a couple of environmentally-conscious com- pacts were parked in the driveway. On the outside, the gathering ap- peared to be a cocktail party held by fraternities wooing pledges, or perhaps a faithful recreation of a New York studio get-together. But closer inspection revealed the well-dressed guests of this classy affair to be featuring crows feet and holding Ph.D.s along with their martinis. Students werent the only ones on the prowl this Saturday night. Professor of Philosophy Jan McCauscale could be found re- clining in the corner, clutching a gin-and-tonic and sporting a pais- ley shirt with the frst few buttons undone to emphasize his abundant chest hair. When asked to com- ment on the party, he instead in- sisted on giving the Collegiate a demonstration. Just watch an artist at work, he said, shooting a sideways grin and a nod at professor of art his- tory Katrina Poll. Youre about to see why they call me Kinkygaard. He winked slyly at the fattered professor and beckoned her over with one fnger. McCauscale cleared his throat as the professor strode up, and launched into what seemed to be a series of extremely well rehearsed pickup lines. Hey baby, you know what? Im a Kantian, and youre my categori- cal imperative. I would just love to witness the true realm of your form. Professor Poll began to look nervously at the door as he con- tinued. How about you let me ex- plore the allegory of your cave? he said. My life wasnt worth living till I examined you. I think therefore how can I resist those eyes? God is dead, but why should that stop us? Poll began to walk away. Mc- Causcale called out after her, You are totally the future of my illu- sion! Kenyon, long considered by hip professionals to be the equivalent of spending an eternity in purga- tory, has in recent years seen an astonishing surge of trendy, young academic professionals who are just looking for a good time without strings. 'Cornfelds are the new SoHo, and were just trying to sow our seed, ventured Professor Leight of the English department. You arent single, are you? she added, giving our reporter the once-over before clucking her tongue. Par- adise Lost? I think I just found it. Betas Cherish Lovable New Pet Rock By Montana Criminitely LEONARDFollowing last weeks revelatory Collegian ar- ticle, the Beta Theta Pi fraternity has boldly decided to christen a new rock as their defning symbol. The rock was discovered by freshman pledge Roger Bild while having his head held under the Ko- kosing during Hell Week. I noticed it just lying there with all the others: a beautiful dia- mond in the rough, reported Bild. When they pulled me up I dove right back down there and picked it up. Beta President Ted Opps 10 was especially impressed with the stones texture. The last one was so big and rough, but not this guy. I could rub it all day, lightly, between fnger and thumb. Other members have been won over by the rocks size, warmth, and heart-like shape. If you hold it up to the light, said Bild, I swear you can spot something glittering deep inside. Its probably just a bit of fools gold, but I like to think the stones winking at me. The transition has not been en- tirely smooth, however. Over the weekend a heated fght broke out over what to name the new stone. I wanted to call him Manny, choked out a teary Bryan Feit 09, but Trent [Hilleman 09] said it was a stupid name for a rock. I just think Chris sounds bet- ter, Hilleman responded. Whatever its name, the new rock is here to stay and will be of- fcially welcomed by the fraternity this Friday. Betas are soliciting art- ists to paint a miniaturized version of Rainer Maria Rilkes Time and Again on the stone. Time and again we go out two together, / under the old trees, lie down again and again / between the fowers, face to face with the sky, quoted Opps. It feels right. This little fellow gets a lot of TLC. Wakey, wakey, Kenyon scholars! Potential underclassmen hookups are sweeping through the Gates of Hell. Hopefully our Oberlin-esque weather and academic luster dont dissuade these perky young things. This eagle-eyed spy has spotted a certain yellow Porsche back in our midst. Will the exotic auto raise an- other stink or will its owner learn to drive quietly? The campus forgets how small our little nook is and resorts to missed connections Allstus. It leaves me wondering where my bushy-bot- tomed lover from last spring went. She was a majestic Chickaree named Ginger. Share my burrow once more, my frm little chestnut. You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Squirrel 3 Bookstore Adds Porn to Engorge Slumping Sales By Montana Criminitely KENYON COLLEGE BOOKSTORE After a disappointing frst semester and sluggish second, Craig Cessling, manager of our beloved bookstore, has had enough. Recession shmeshmession! said Cessling, waving his hand dismissively. I got the answer to your economic woes right here! Cessling then proudly waved the May is- sue of Hustler over his head. Were starting out small, sticking to the basics: Playboy, Hustler, and a Maxim or two for the freshmen, Cessling said, mo- tioning towards a large pile of magazines in plastic wrap. If this goes well, which Im sure it will, the skys the limit! Mnner Aktuell, Midget Mayhem, Hairy Backed Bears Born for Bubble Buttshell, we might throw in Straight to Hell: The Manhattan Review of Unnatural Acts just to be safe. Were also going to be making the dis- play Macs available to students for Craig- slist searches. Bookstore employees were hesitant at frst, but, having seen Cessling`s business plan, are now on board. When he explained that these were hot, young, steamy boys and girls being show- cased I was relieved, said an employee who agreed to speak on condition of ano- nymity. I was afraid we might be peddling hot young sluts that were hesitant to take it anywhere, anytime. Though the student response has been largely positive, not all are prepared for the onslaught of naughty teachers, nurses, stew- ardesses, fast-food employees, and cats that will be pounding bookstore shelves starting in the last weeks. Local authority Kwyjibo cautioned that Cessling may be getting in over his head. Is this really what we want, Kenyon? A return to print? Sticky pages and stained boxes hidden under our beds? This is a step backward! When these concerns were brought to Cessling he merely smiled. I know weve made some blunders in the past, but this time I think we hit the nail on the head. You tell me the kids just want ice cream? I say theyll sing a different tune when they get their hands on an icy mike. That Perspective: By Dan Schlumphrey M C B R I D E Freshman Travis Fin- ster made waves in Kenyons facial hair community this week when he became the frst in his class to at- tempt to grow a beard. I feel pretty man- ly, said the mop- topped, straggle- chinned 18-year-old, whose pale attempt to appear virile was ren- dered comical by the thin, wispy strands of brown hair patched irregularly on his chin and left cheek. But, you know, he continued, it took a lot of patience and a lot of guts. I told myself count- less times that it was time to give up. For a week or two it didnt grow evenly at all. I mustve looked pretty stupid then. For Finster, like other sissies, stroll- ing down Middle Path among Kenyons most hir- sute felt like a shameful admission of his own effeminacy. Everywhere I went, Id see these beards, he said. Theyre awe- some. Big ones like on the rugby guys, long ones, sharp onessome hipster guys grow mustaches, even theyre just so cool. I thought, I can do it too. As Finster be- gan to notice fee- ble tufts spreading across his sallow face, he thought it might be interest- ing to document the process. I wanted to make it more of a project, he ex- plained. So I made a Facebook album and took a picture of my face every day, like the guy in that YouTube video. But in most of the pictures, the fash washes out the beard and you cant even see it. It looks good in a certain light, Finster concluded. Kind of. I just wish my girlfriend liked it. Unfort unat el y, the beard has not gone over well with Melanie Russo 11, Finsters girlfriend of two months. Ill put it this way, she said, Im not shaving until he does. Heroic Freshman Attempts Beard Travis Finster 12 at the height of facial growth. By That Girl BEXLEY APARTMENTSHeyyyy bitch! Oh my God, I havent seen you in seriously, like, for- ever! What? I mean YEAH we hung out, like, ALL. THE. TIME in Intro to Womens and Gender Studies but that class was SUCH a downer, right?! I never told you this, but I love your boots. The ones with the fur. Im totally going to steal them! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! No but seriously, look out, Im going to sneak into your room and take them. Just kidding!!! No but seriously. WE MAKE SUCH A GOOD PAIR! Youre a brunette and Im blondand your boobs are tiny and mine are huge! Whats your screen name? Oh my god, see that guy? That guy totally wants to do you! Just kidding were hooking up so hands off! You are so funnyI bet guys love that. Youre the smart one and Im the pretty one! Like Thelma and Louisethose girls from Scooby Doo!!! Wait so what class are you in? Are you a sopho- more? Youre a junior! Duh! Me toothats so cool! Oh my God, we should hang out more! All of these guys are asking for my number, just because Im standing next to you! But seriously, we really need to be good friends, because we only have ONE MORE YEAR before graduation! Can you believe it?! As the say, make hay while the sun . . . hey, is that guy looking at you?! No just kidding, hes totally checking me out. Here, hold my drink while we go get our freak on. Youre the best. MWAH!!! OH MY GOD, WE SHOULD HANG OUT MORE! 4