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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 1.9

Kenyon Collegiate Issue 1.9

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08/29/2014

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Philander’s Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip. Vol. 1, Issue 9 April 29, 2009 
Lentz To Sail West From Grey Havens
By Beauregard BeauregardMITHLOND — After an illustrious forty-year career, Perry Lentz, son of Lucien, willleave this Middle-Earth for Valinor to join thelikes of Elrond Half-Elven, John Crowe Ran-som, and Tammy Gocial.Lentz, a mortal man who never bore a Ringof Power, is one of a select few to be allowed tomake this journey. It is unclear whether he willremain mortal once there, or whether Eru willallow him to join the Elves and become immor-tal like Tuor of the House of Hador; support-ers refer to his triumphs against the Poststruc-turalist Balrog and the Witch-King Derrida asevidence of his worth. His famous invective tofailing students — “You shall not pass!” — is

-frontations.Lentz, often called Perry the White, was the18th Chieftain of the Dúnedain of Anniston,Alabama. He was later crowned King Elentzar Telcontar on March 1, 2931 of the Third Age,and reigned until the year 120 of the FourthAge, when he abdicated, citing his inability

was a great warrior, and, as heir of Robert PennWarren, bore the shards of Narsil, which, be-fore the War of the Ring, was reforged and re-named Anduril, the Flame of the South. He alsoserved as the Charles P. McIlvaine Professor of English.Lentz leaves behind his wife, two children,

for his loyal gardener and friend P. F. Kluge to

-inor, Lentz responded, “How do you pick upthe threads of an old life? How do you go on . . .when in your heart you begin to understand . . .there is no going back? There are some thingsthat time cannot mend . . . some hurts that gotoo deep . . . that have taken hold.”When questioned, Kluge answered, “Oh,Mister Perry, I sure will miss you.”Lentz sets sail aboard the
S. S. Mithril 
for Valinor immediately following graduation cer-emonies at Kenyon College this May.
Something Happened Saturday
By Charlie AdamsGAMBIER — In response to pleas from anervous community, local police have launchedan investigation into a large-scale catastrophethat apparently befell the campus last Saturday.A department spokesman reported Mondaythat, though investigations are ongoing, prog-ress on the case has been slow.“On Sunday morning, we began receivingcalls from concerned students,” reported Sher-

South Campus in a state of sheer disarray, lit-tered with debris and sunburned freshmen. Fur-thermore, several Gambier residents reportedhearing gunshots and explosions between thehours of nine and ten Saturday night.”These and other details paint a grim pictureof a night that, ultimately, remains shrouded inmystery. So far, no witnesses have stepped for-ward, and tension runs high in the community.“Nobody remembers anything,” admits senior Kester Johnson. “It’s pretty scary. All the Face- book pictures are totally blurred, too. It’s likethe whole of Saturday has just been blacked outof existence.”For now, investigators have asked that allcitizens remain calm, and that any studentswith information on the incident step forward.If you remember anything regarding the eventsof Saturday, please e-mail kenyon.collegiate@gmail.com to help bring those responsible to justice.
I
NSIDE
T
HIS
I
SSUE
:
Trendsetting Hipster Claims He Had Neon Sunglasses BeforeSendoff Clipse: “K-Cards Open Doors Too”Indoor Kid Celebrates Earth Day By Opening WindowSkunk Odor Mistaken For Marijuana: Hallmates Disappointed
Attempted Security Write-UpDegenerates Into Slapstick Buffoonery
By Satchmo Dirk JerkinsOLD KENYON — What should have beena routine underage consumption write-up lastweek quickly degenerated into what was de-

-mery nonsense.”At approximately two a.m. Saturday night,Safety and Security was called to investigatereports of an intoxicated freshman at Old Ke-nyon. “Gadzooks! But I’ll send the squad over  post-haste!” exclaimed Captain Fatty Mittens.

-

the building, spilling its contents of merry jest-

-
(Continued on Page 5)
S
PECIAL
I
SSUE
: 50% L
ARGER
, 45% M
ORE
C
OMEDY
1
 
Modern-Day Philander Chase Proclaims “This Will Do”Before Going Home With Drunk Freshman
By Dan Schlumphreyand Sheridan WhitesideGAMBIER HILL — Chad Ful-ton, a sophomore from Cornish, New Hampshire, would havemade the founding Bishops andLords of Kenyon College very,very proud.It was growing dark this pastSaturday when Fulton felt he hadoutgrown the gathering at NewApartments, the small frontier community at the outskirts of cam-
 
for his settlement, Fulton calledHenry Curtis ’10, and together they proceeded on horseback intothe gathering dusk.“Fulton and I proceeded aloneto the Aclands,” Curtis told theCollegiate. “The side was thicklyset with an undergrowth of oak  bushes, frequently interlaced withrambling grape vines. We strug-gled through these tangles on our horses until about halfway downthe hill to the Milk Cartons, whenFulton, becoming discouragedwith that mode of proceeding, pro- posed that we should take it afoot.We dismounted and hitched our horses, and then proceeded as wellas we could until we emerged atthe bottom.”“I had no idea who lived there,”admitted Fulton. “But I pictured
Morning’s Song 
 Impervious To Satire
By Montana CriminitelyROSSE HALL — Despite bestefforts,
Collegiate
staff membershave not found any satisfactoryangle for lampooning the annoy-ingly delightful, unexpectedlywarm, and aggravatingly sincereconcert musical
Morning’s Song.
“It’s a show about gay miners,”reported
Collegiate
curmudgeonCornelius Coot. “GAY MINERS.This shouldn’t be so hard. But allI can see is the composer’s gor-geous smile.”Editor-in-Chief Skeeter Demi-glace gave strict orders to skewer Friday’s performance “without the

which was are-you-yanking-my-goddamn-chain
touching 
, there
Peirce’s “Dinner ForBreakfast” Less Suc-cessful Than Expected
was less sarcasm in this reporter’sheart than there was room for SalSabella’s glutes in those tight,tight jeans.“Mines have shafts, cocks haveshafts,” continued Coot. “I knowI’m missing something — but thatKenyon girl’s hair was like spungold, and it’s very distracting! I betit smells like marzipan!”By Eegull EggelsteinPEIRCE HALL — The com-

Monday after AVI offered dinner for breakfast as the only morningoption. As students walked intothe servery, they were greeted byAVI employees happily preparinga combination of deep-fried tila- pia cereal, scrambled pulled pork,ravioli, and bratwurst. The cerealand yogurt had been removed to prevent students from missing outon the event. In all, students werecrestfallen that they were unable toenjoy the traditional omelets, eggs,and cereal for breakfast.“We had considered a few dif-ferent themed options to get stu-dents excited for meals,” saidHead Chef Burgher Greese. “At

humongous Italian sub sandwich-es, but we thought maybe that wasa little too silly. ‘Breakfast for din-ner’ had been a big success, so we just tried switching that around.”When asked about the meal,Johnny Johnson ’10 said, “I

thought was scrambled eggs andcheese. As I took a bite, I realizedit was acorn squash and succotash.I was about to vomit when one of those ECO guys told me not towaste my food.”
Peirce’s new cereal.
Know InDesign?Can you Photoshop?
Apply for next year.
E-mailkenyon.collegiate@gmail.com.Love, your
Collegiate
staff 
2
here my settlement: the whole panorama of mildly attractiveyoung maidens that lay at our feet,the undulating hips and varyingsurfaces of their unmentionableregions, eastward, southward,and westward, with the windingsof their supple bodies — all were brought into view, and presentedsuch a scene and landscape of un-surpassed loveliness and beauty.“I knew I was destined to plant

It was that moment when Chris-tine Josephs ’12 approached Ful-ton. Standing upon the trunk of anold fallen oak, and permitting hiseye to pass ’round the horizon andtake in the whole prospect, he ex- pressed his delight and satisfaction

-mation: “Well, this will do!”
Chase prepares to settle.
 
F
ROM
T
HE
A
RCHIVES
:
An Editor-In-Chief Looks Back, Calls For Change
F
ROM
T
HE
F
UTURE
:
Paving Middle Path Will Lead To Mutant Warfare, Claims Time-Traveling Man
By Dan Schlumphreyand Sheridan WhitesideRANSOM HALL — A Monday afternoon in-terview was interrupted when a wounded, time-traveling man came crashing through the door,gasping for breath and clutching a note in his mu-tilated hand.The man was able to choke out one last sen-tence. “Stop — don’t — you mustn’t — pave —”he wheezed, blood trickling from his mouth.“Please — you must — open — 
 glarblrrhblf 
!”As his body shuddered and fell, his limbsslowly disintegrated, leaving nothing but dust andthe battered note. Maintenance was sent for. Sud-denly, the note spread itself open on the groundand produced a six-foot holographic screen, uponwhich the image of the time-traveling man dic-tated the story reproduced below.“Harken, students of the year 2009! I comefrom the future! Heed my words, for the fate of what you know as Kenyon College depends onthem!“In response to the doom-words of the late Par-sons the Destroyer, the administration will paveMiddle Path in 2010 — if nothing is done to stopthem. As a result, Hummers, yellow Porsches,and other primitive, ostentatious gas-consumingcontraptions will clog the Path and all your noseswith death-fumes.“Slowly, the Psi Upsilon fraternity of Ken-yon will mutate into bizarre hybrids of man and

 beneath Kenyon, forming a grotesque and violentcolony, the New New Apartments. Resentment

and horrible war. Kenyon College, under the lead-ership of Warlord and Supreme Physicist Benja-min Schumacher, will turn into Kenyon Army, a battle-training school for tacticians, strategists,and warriors.“A new hope will emerge in the form of a merechild. In an effort to destroy the creatures beneathMiddle Path, the young one will have to destroythe Path itself. But deadly radiation will wipe outall traces of Kenyonia.“Help me, Erin Salva. You’re my only hope.Don’t — pave — Middle Pa — AAAARUGH!My arm! [
Gunshots
] Dennis 2J7Y, into the TimePod! Hurry! [
Gunshots
] NOOOOOO! Dennis![
 Pause
] You monstrosities! Scoundrels! [
Gun- shots
] I’ll return to the past and become your grandfathers!”Static followed the transmission.“I saw better performance art at Oberlin,” mut-tered a prospective student, observing the spec-tacle. “The real question is, does Pierce have a ce-real mixer? Oh, and tell me about the Sustorium!”By Louis Francis Albert Edward Collegiate, 3rdEarl Collegiate, Knight of the Garter, and Com- panion of the Order of the Star of India, Class of 1866, Editor-in-Chief 
 April 29th, 1866 
— It comes to pass that at the end of each aca-demic year here at our 
alma mater 
that it falls tothe Editor-in-Chief of the Publication, which youhold in your hands at this very moment, to takea long, contemplative look back at the past four years spent at Kenyon, and to write of their expe-riences at this most hallowed institution of higher education and gentlemanliness.First in my list of end-of-college observations,we must end the tradition of all-student carrier pi-geons. For too long, students have hidden behindthe anonymity and unaccountability of this avian pest. “Rats of the air,” Dr. Johnson called them,and by Jove he was right! They perch upon thewindowsill of one’s dormitory residence, depos-iting not only a message, often uncouth in char-acter, but also still their distinctive fecal matter. No more, I say! The way gentlemen are to discussmatters pertaining to Politics, Theology, or the re-quest of carriage rides to and from the Mt. VernonLocomotive Depot is either face-to-face or withinthe time-honored tradition of the Newspaper Edi-torial, where one’s social inferiors cannot hope tocompose a response.Secondly, we must create a path across the mid-dle of our campus to ease the efforts of travelingthe college grounds. Theend of your nation’s CivilWar this year gone by has

-less veterans in the student body, and they seem to
 
-ing the journey from Bex-ley Hall to their lectureson the southern portion of campus without equine as-sistance. The year’s threedeaths from exhaustionand gangrene stand as tes-tament for the need for theestablishment of a “middle path” — ideally one asgravelly and mud-ridden as possible.Besides, collapsing fromsheer exhaustion in the au-tumn heat is no way for agentleman to shake loosethis mortal coil. Everyoneknows a man of rank andmanners dies in battle or from the gout!Thirdly, we must restore the sense of entitle-ment once so prominent among Kenyon men. Itis because we attend this very college that makesus the betters of the great unwashed rabble which plagues the earth. Who will reign over the unedu-cated masses? Who shall educate and support theAfrican freedman in hisquest for equality? Whoshall drive the Irish fromAmerica’s cities and pre-vent the spread of theRomanism across theEarth? We as soon-to-be-alumni of Kenyon Col-lege must do our sacredduty to do that which isour charge and make theworld a better place.If any ladies happento be reading, please ex-cuse my profanity.And so it is with aheavy heart that I bidyou all
adieu
. I must sayI shall miss you all dear-ly. I fear you Yanks have bestowed in me a touchof sentimentality, and for that I can never forgiveyou. Hopefully Mother Kenyon will heed myadvice and reconsider these accursed traditions of ours.God save the Queen, and all hail PresidentJohnson.I have been, and shall always be,your faithful Kenyon Lord,
 Louis
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