Philander’s Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip. Vol. 1, Issue 9 April 29, 2009
Lentz To Sail West From Grey Havens
By Beauregard BeauregardMITHLOND — After an illustrious forty-year career, Perry Lentz, son of Lucien, willleave this Middle-Earth for Valinor to join thelikes of Elrond Half-Elven, John Crowe Ran-som, and Tammy Gocial.Lentz, a mortal man who never bore a Ringof Power, is one of a select few to be allowed tomake this journey. It is unclear whether he willremain mortal once there, or whether Eru willallow him to join the Elves and become immor-tal like Tuor of the House of Hador; support-ers refer to his triumphs against the Poststruc-turalist Balrog and the Witch-King Derrida asevidence of his worth. His famous invective tofailing students — “You shall not pass!” — is
-frontations.Lentz, often called Perry the White, was the18th Chieftain of the Dúnedain of Anniston,Alabama. He was later crowned King Elentzar Telcontar on March 1, 2931 of the Third Age,and reigned until the year 120 of the FourthAge, when he abdicated, citing his inability
was a great warrior, and, as heir of Robert PennWarren, bore the shards of Narsil, which, be-fore the War of the Ring, was reforged and re-named Anduril, the Flame of the South. He alsoserved as the Charles P. McIlvaine Professor of English.Lentz leaves behind his wife, two children,
for his loyal gardener and friend P. F. Kluge to
-inor, Lentz responded, “How do you pick upthe threads of an old life? How do you go on . . .when in your heart you begin to understand . . .there is no going back? There are some thingsthat time cannot mend . . . some hurts that gotoo deep . . . that have taken hold.”When questioned, Kluge answered, “Oh,Mister Perry, I sure will miss you.”Lentz sets sail aboard the
S. S. Mithril
for Valinor immediately following graduation cer-emonies at Kenyon College this May.
Something Happened Saturday
By Charlie AdamsGAMBIER — In response to pleas from anervous community, local police have launchedan investigation into a large-scale catastrophethat apparently befell the campus last Saturday.A department spokesman reported Mondaythat, though investigations are ongoing, prog-ress on the case has been slow.“On Sunday morning, we began receivingcalls from concerned students,” reported Sher-
South Campus in a state of sheer disarray, lit-tered with debris and sunburned freshmen. Fur-thermore, several Gambier residents reportedhearing gunshots and explosions between thehours of nine and ten Saturday night.”These and other details paint a grim pictureof a night that, ultimately, remains shrouded inmystery. So far, no witnesses have stepped for-ward, and tension runs high in the community.“Nobody remembers anything,” admits senior Kester Johnson. “It’s pretty scary. All the Face- book pictures are totally blurred, too. It’s likethe whole of Saturday has just been blacked outof existence.”For now, investigators have asked that allcitizens remain calm, and that any studentswith information on the incident step forward.If you remember anything regarding the eventsof Saturday, please e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org to help bring those responsible to justice.
Trendsetting Hipster Claims He Had Neon Sunglasses BeforeSendoff Clipse: “K-Cards Open Doors Too”Indoor Kid Celebrates Earth Day By Opening WindowSkunk Odor Mistaken For Marijuana: Hallmates Disappointed
Attempted Security Write-UpDegenerates Into Slapstick Buffoonery
By Satchmo Dirk JerkinsOLD KENYON — What should have beena routine underage consumption write-up lastweek quickly degenerated into what was de-
-mery nonsense.”At approximately two a.m. Saturday night,Safety and Security was called to investigatereports of an intoxicated freshman at Old Ke-nyon. “Gadzooks! But I’ll send the squad over post-haste!” exclaimed Captain Fatty Mittens.
the building, spilling its contents of merry jest-
(Continued on Page 5)
: 50% L
, 45% M