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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 2.7

Kenyon Collegiate Issue 2.7

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Published by: kenyon_collegiate on Dec 31, 2011
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By Charlie AdamsOLD KENYON — Last Monday, amidst astorm of criticism, Greek Emperor-for-lifeChad Vitellius ’10 announced the dissolutionof Kenyon’s long-standing Greek Council. Cit-
the Kenyon administration, Vitelliuscalled the move “a prudent and neces-sary action for the safety of the Greekstudents.”“Yes . . .
,” he continued
Vitellius’ meteoric rise in the Greek
of the Milk Cartons’ closure. “He re-ally tapped into the anger, the despair,”admitted one Psi Upsilon member. “Hetalked about vengeance, took credit for
 Animal House
at the
Subsequently, Vitellius served afour-month term as the chief advisor to
the President’s ear during speeches. As chief 
trademark black robe and raspy voice. When
-noeing alone on the Kokosing, Vitellius quietlyinherited his title.“It all happened very fast,” recalls formerCouncil Treasurer Milan Jones ’11. “Before
of the Greek Judiciary Board. When he calledfor the immediate termination of every Peep,not one of us even stood up. We just hung ourheads.”
protect the Ganter against the bearded
respect from the average pledge andbrother. Even among independents,Vitellius has been lauded for his much-needed reinstating of the Old KenyonVomitorium.
Chad,” offered Joanne Krebs, Associ-ate Director of Greek Life. “His atti-tude and goals are going to make fora very prosperous year of Greek life,
-subordination.By Dingo RockafellerOLD KENYON — Mt. Vernon high schoolerBryan Smalls effectively masqueraded as amember of the Kenyon community last Sat-urday, sources reported, due in large part to
sojourn on campus. The seventeen-year-old
day Scarlet Pimpernel,” duped administrators
Gambier, gaining access to the most intimateenclaves of Kenyon society.
his visit. “In retrospect, I guess I should have
he kept referring to Peirce as ‘the Old Kenyon.’
name of the college right on it,” Villa added.
Philander’s Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip. Vol. 2, Issue 7 January 26, 2010 
Greek Emperor-for-Life Dissolves Greek Council
Townie Poses As StudentWith Use of Kenyon Sweatshirt
By Diesel Jackson PEIRCE — In an effort to sustain the GambierGrill, or “the Cove,” during its rocky transi-tion period, a group of Kenyon students haveassembled a fundraising operation to help outthe storied campus hangout. Led by CarolynBorkie ‘11, the group has grossed an impres-sive $10,000 in donations, though still theCove’s future remains uncertain.“There are people in need,” commentedBorkie. “Not everyone can be so fortunate as
everyone should donate. Because, could you
“Save the Cove” has set up a table in thePeirce atrium displaying beer can art and pho-tos of DJ Teekay in an attempt to entice donors.A much more modest table can be seen ten feetto its right. A sign reading “Save Haiti” hangs
are,” said Donald Plumb ’10, CFO of the “Savethe Cove” committee, “like, look at their table.
I can only guess are forms. And look at their
 just not fun over there, period.”“I agree,” added Borkie. “Is it so horrible
has been unsteady for several months. Struckby the thought of other people’s misfortune,Borkie said that an epiphany occurred to her
“I had this thought, and I did a little math,
“But then I thought, a good tan is also $5,000.
not like Haiti is counting on Kenyon or any-thing. But the Cove is. Besides, Haiti has allits neighboring countries that can help it. LikeChina.”
“Save the Cove” Outgrosses “Save Haiti”
’ M
(Continued on Page 2)
Vitellius addresses the Greek Council.
By Ed StrictlyMIDDLE PATH — A study conducted over the
-yon students engage in regicide than suicide
said Tara Polk,president andsole member of the PreventativeLights Commit-tee. “There’s a
in the culturalpreference. Dur-ing the coldest,darkest monthsof the year, stu-dents have be-gun to prefer thekilling of mon-archs to the kill-ing of self.”Polk’s con-troversial postercampaign hasmade the upcoming name change a much-discussed debate topic on campus. The posters
count, launching grenades at a picnicking faisaland his royal family.
Gaskin Avenue. “There’s hope after all,” Polk
-ferent,” Polkadded. “Butmany students
so affected bythe gloomy
they end upassassinat-ing legitimate,constitutionallyprotected rul-ers.”Indeed, one
prefers to re-main anony-mous, defendedhis decision tomurder Kevin
not like he even claimed to have Divine Right.He had a loose grip on his domain. And yes, itmade me feel better.”
are coiled around the Middle Path trees in the
-cally replaced, due to budgetary constraints.By Beauregard BeauregardGUND COMMONS — A number of students
-yon’s beautiful Neo-Gothic architecture. They
-tures staring unseeingly at anything that daredto disturb their labyrinthine abode. Annie North
successfully before launching itself out the
like to be human,” speculated North.None have been able to formulate a rational
-tus discovered throughout the building, frompool cues to antiquated computer technologyto a bathroom masquerading as a closet, but the
-ous space referred to as “the Ballroom,” named
Ballroom’s periphery are just trying to do their
found a number of rooms that may have beenbathrooms at one point, or, some have specu-lated, torture chambers. “I came into a dark,
decayed, torn remains of couches and chairs.
skirted the edges of my peripheral vision, justbeyond sight, behind me, to my side. I felt a
suddenly I couldn’t think about anything butteeth and nails and blood, so much blood.” Her
creature similar to a minotaur living in Gund’s
-ther Carradine ’10.“My stomach turned and I couldn’t breathe
-late emptiness of the place. I had to get out, andI’m never going back.”Carved into the stall of a bathroom in the
-ness. No cry of light, no glimmer, not even thefaintest shard of hope to break free across the
unstirred by history, no longer moved by the
Someone amended this, even more cryptical-
Students Gaze Into Gund Commons, Gund Commons Gazes Back
“He looked like an upstanding student,”said Assistant Director of Housing and Resi-
the bathroom, but you could tell he had a lot of school pride. So I offered him a CA positionin Mather.”
Kenyon Observer
, received the role of BradMajors in Flash Mob’s upcoming productionof 
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
and com-pleted an American Studies major during his
his primary goal of getting into an Old Kenyonparty.According to those at the party, Smalls’ de-
me.”Smalls escaped the ensuing pursuit, and
 jeans and is currently posing as a drama pro-
TOWNIE, Cont’d from 1
The Ol’ Honeybucket Salute
By Luther Honeybucket
We’re going to the market, got room for
We won’t buy taffy, we won’t buy fudge,
Well, bump my tummy and paint me glad,
the middle of an ancient Honeybucket funeraldirge—poor Uncle Jebediah’s up there rasslin’
gavels and your hand-scales and hop aboard the
tins and nestlin’ in my burlap hammock. I’ll
Well, it’s feedin’ time, and these pine cones
We’re going to the dairy to cry, cry, cry...
Regicide Lights to Replace Suicide Lights
A distressing scene unfolds in Middle Ground.

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