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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 2.7

Kenyon Collegiate Issue 2.7

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06/29/2012

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By Charlie AdamsOLD KENYON — Last Monday, amidst astorm of criticism, Greek Emperor-for-lifeChad Vitellius ’10 announced the dissolutionof Kenyon’s long-standing Greek Council. Cit-

the Kenyon administration, Vitelliuscalled the move “a prudent and neces-sary action for the safety of the Greekstudents.”“Yes . . .
excellent 
,” he continued

Vitellius’ meteoric rise in the Greek

of the Milk Cartons’ closure. “He re-ally tapped into the anger, the despair,”admitted one Psi Upsilon member. “Hetalked about vengeance, took credit for

 Braveheart 
and
 Animal House
at the

Subsequently, Vitellius served afour-month term as the chief advisor to

the President’s ear during speeches. As chief 

trademark black robe and raspy voice. When

-noeing alone on the Kokosing, Vitellius quietlyinherited his title.“It all happened very fast,” recalls formerCouncil Treasurer Milan Jones ’11. “Before

of the Greek Judiciary Board. When he calledfor the immediate termination of every Peep,not one of us even stood up. We just hung ourheads.”

protect the Ganter against the bearded

respect from the average pledge andbrother. Even among independents,Vitellius has been lauded for his much-needed reinstating of the Old KenyonVomitorium.

Chad,” offered Joanne Krebs, Associ-ate Director of Greek Life. “His atti-tude and goals are going to make fora very prosperous year of Greek life,

-subordination.By Dingo RockafellerOLD KENYON — Mt. Vernon high schoolerBryan Smalls effectively masqueraded as amember of the Kenyon community last Sat-urday, sources reported, due in large part to

sojourn on campus. The seventeen-year-old
 
day Scarlet Pimpernel,” duped administrators

Gambier, gaining access to the most intimateenclaves of Kenyon society.

his visit. “In retrospect, I guess I should have

he kept referring to Peirce as ‘the Old Kenyon.’

evaporated.”

name of the college right on it,” Villa added.

Philander’s Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip. Vol. 2, Issue 7 January 26, 2010 
Greek Emperor-for-Life Dissolves Greek Council
Townie Poses As StudentWith Use of Kenyon Sweatshirt
By Diesel Jackson PEIRCE — In an effort to sustain the GambierGrill, or “the Cove,” during its rocky transi-tion period, a group of Kenyon students haveassembled a fundraising operation to help outthe storied campus hangout. Led by CarolynBorkie ‘11, the group has grossed an impres-sive $10,000 in donations, though still theCove’s future remains uncertain.“There are people in need,” commentedBorkie. “Not everyone can be so fortunate as

everyone should donate. Because, could you

“Save the Cove” has set up a table in thePeirce atrium displaying beer can art and pho-tos of DJ Teekay in an attempt to entice donors.A much more modest table can be seen ten feetto its right. A sign reading “Save Haiti” hangs

are,” said Donald Plumb ’10, CFO of the “Savethe Cove” committee, “like, look at their table.

I can only guess are forms. And look at their

 just not fun over there, period.”“I agree,” added Borkie. “Is it so horrible

has been unsteady for several months. Struckby the thought of other people’s misfortune,Borkie said that an epiphany occurred to her

“I had this thought, and I did a little math,

-

“But then I thought, a good tan is also $5,000.

not like Haiti is counting on Kenyon or any-thing. But the Cove is. Besides, Haiti has allits neighboring countries that can help it. LikeChina.”
“Save the Cove” Outgrosses “Save Haiti”
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(Continued on Page 2)
Vitellius addresses the Greek Council.
1
 
By Ed StrictlyMIDDLE PATH — A study conducted over the

-yon students engage in regicide than suicide

said Tara Polk,president andsole member of the PreventativeLights Commit-tee. “There’s a

in the culturalpreference. Dur-ing the coldest,darkest monthsof the year, stu-dents have be-gun to prefer thekilling of mon-archs to the kill-ing of self.”Polk’s con-troversial postercampaign hasmade the upcoming name change a much-discussed debate topic on campus. The posters

count, launching grenades at a picnicking faisaland his royal family.

Gaskin Avenue. “There’s hope after all,” Polk
 
-ferent,” Polkadded. “Butmany students

so affected bythe gloomy
they end upassassinat-ing legitimate,constitutionallyprotected rul-ers.”Indeed, one
prefers to re-main anony-mous, defendedhis decision tomurder Kevin

not like he even claimed to have Divine Right.He had a loose grip on his domain. And yes, itmade me feel better.”

are coiled around the Middle Path trees in the

-cally replaced, due to budgetary constraints.By Beauregard BeauregardGUND COMMONS — A number of students

-yon’s beautiful Neo-Gothic architecture. They

-tures staring unseeingly at anything that daredto disturb their labyrinthine abode. Annie North

successfully before launching itself out the

like to be human,” speculated North.None have been able to formulate a rational

-tus discovered throughout the building, frompool cues to antiquated computer technologyto a bathroom masquerading as a closet, but the

-ous space referred to as “the Ballroom,” named

Ballroom’s periphery are just trying to do their

found a number of rooms that may have beenbathrooms at one point, or, some have specu-lated, torture chambers. “I came into a dark,

decayed, torn remains of couches and chairs.

skirted the edges of my peripheral vision, justbeyond sight, behind me, to my side. I felt a

suddenly I couldn’t think about anything butteeth and nails and blood, so much blood.” Her

creature similar to a minotaur living in Gund’s

-ther Carradine ’10.“My stomach turned and I couldn’t breathe

-

-late emptiness of the place. I had to get out, andI’m never going back.”Carved into the stall of a bathroom in the

-ness. No cry of light, no glimmer, not even thefaintest shard of hope to break free across the

unstirred by history, no longer moved by the

Someone amended this, even more cryptical-

Students Gaze Into Gund Commons, Gund Commons Gazes Back

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
“He looked like an upstanding student,”said Assistant Director of Housing and Resi-

-

the bathroom, but you could tell he had a lot of school pride. So I offered him a CA positionin Mather.”

Kenyon Observer
, received the role of BradMajors in Flash Mob’s upcoming productionof 
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
and com-pleted an American Studies major during his

his primary goal of getting into an Old Kenyonparty.According to those at the party, Smalls’ de-

me.”Smalls escaped the ensuing pursuit, and

 jeans and is currently posing as a drama pro-

TOWNIE, Cont’d from 1
The Ol’ Honeybucket Salute
By Luther Honeybucket

We’re going to the market, got room for

We won’t buy taffy, we won’t buy fudge,

Well, bump my tummy and paint me glad,

the middle of an ancient Honeybucket funeraldirge—poor Uncle Jebediah’s up there rasslin’

-

gavels and your hand-scales and hop aboard the

tins and nestlin’ in my burlap hammock. I’ll

Well, it’s feedin’ time, and these pine cones


We’re going to the dairy to cry, cry, cry...
Regicide Lights to Replace Suicide Lights
A distressing scene unfolds in Middle Ground.
2

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