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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 2.11

Kenyon Collegiate Issue 2.11

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Philander’s Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip. Vol. 2, Issue 11 March 3, 2010 
White Guys Finally Headlining Sendoff
By Ed StrictlyGUND COMPUTER LAB — TheHood Internet, a Chicago-basedduo who specialize in the blendingof hip-hop and indie rock songs,released a statement on their web-site that they will be “mashing up”Kenyon’s Sendoff this May. Theteam, who has produced such cutsas “All My Scrubs” (TLC vs. LedZeppelin) and “Fire it Up, Fire-mouse” (Lil Wayne vs. ModestMouse), has been researching Ke-nyon extensively in order to gener-ate pertinent and charming tributesto the school.“Let’s just say that these trackswill shake the gravel on CenterPath,” said the band’s publicist,Kyle Lemieux. “Your minds willbe blown. You’ll never suspectsome of these mash-ups, kids.You’ll be running around in disbe-lief, all over John Crowe RansomLawn.”According to Lemieux, the duohas spent hours on Kenyon’s web-site, learning the ins-and-outs of the campus. “They wanted to re-ally know this place inside-out,”he said. “They read everythingthey couldget theirhands on:
, even the daily Peircemenu.” Lemieux refused to re-lease any of the songs’ names, buthe did divulge some of the uncho-sen Peirce-themed tracks: “BurgerBlowOutdoors Club (Comfort Sta-tion vs. Backpacks!)”, “Tuna Sur-
and “Great Hall & Oates (TheGreat Hall in Peirce vs. Pop-rock-ers Hall & Oates!)”.The crux of their set, however,will be Sendoff-themed mash-ups,including “Paradise Lost My K-Card on the Lunar Bounce (Lentzvs. Allstu),” and “Tripping Face-Paint Booth (Ecstasy vs. StudentCouncil).”When asked what these mash-ups would consist of, and howthe songs themselves would per-tain to Kenyon, Lemieux seemedconfused: “They’ll just be hip-hopsongs mashed-up with indie rocksongs.” When pressed further asto how the content of the songsthemselves would correspond to
whether the songs would includesound-bites from the campus it-self, or perhaps audio clips fromKokosingers or Peelers, Lemieuxchecked his watch, said, “they’re just gonna play two unlikely songsat the same time,” and x-ed out of our Skype chat.By Sgt. Clap StormisonDANTOOINE —
The Collegiate
is happy to announce that RJD2,fresh from his tour of a galaxy far,far away, will appear at Earth’s Ke-nyon College for Summer Sendoff.RJD2 has been on the space roadsince releasing his latest albumThe Colossus (a reference, of course, to the Imperial-class StarDestroyer Colossus that led the at-
on his chassis’s built-in internalturntables — which he never usedin the original trilogy, for somestupid reason — have earned himgreat success, as The Colossuswent double-transparisteel in De-cember.“R-J says the chances of all-nightpartying and having a most excel-lent time are 725 to 1!” intoned hy-peman C3PO before a recent RJD2performance at the Tatooine Houseof Blues. “Although, he has beenknown to make mistakes . . . fromtime to time. Fuck YEAH!” To theroar of beeping and buzzing fans,RJD2 rolled onstage and began hisintense, hour-long musical show-down between machine and alsomachine: RJD2 vs. his equipment.
and all-around intergalactic mega-star, won, and the robotic crowdwent as wild as their limited robotbodies allowed.D2’s entourage also has plansfor the day. Chewbacca is slated totake on the entire Kenyon Collegerugby team and “wrooararoaoroa”them to pieces, while Luke Sky-walker is expected to wow stu-dents by sinking beer pong shotswith his visor down.The droid faced a 2008 sexualharassment suit after a female fanaccused him of using his computerinterface arm in ways that “wentagainst her original program-ming,” but 2009 showered himwith rave reviews for his single,“Boooop Beeep WheeeeereeeepBeep.” The artist split the single’s
lightsaber-control laws and SpaceAIDS research. In addition, hissong “Chirrrrp Boop Beep” can beheard in the intro to AMC’s popu-lar drama Mad Men.RJD2 is known for his elabo-rate stage shows, incorporatingself-projected images of princessespole dancing on tables, and ofteninappropriate live performances.The droid’s label representativesat Choruscant Records assured theCollege that “Arjay” will keep theobscenebeeps andwhistlesat a mini-mum.
. V
“We Also Know How LOST Ends” 
Superstar Droid RJD2 To PlayHood Internet to Mash Up Kenyon
By Esteban SinclaireHORN GALLERY — This past Tuesdaynight at the Horn Gallery, eleven American
their senior comps, an adorable but weallyhard ten-minute group presentation thatleft many uncertain about passing and allweally weady for a snack.The comps consisted of a PowerPointand a paragraph on something that some-how ties into something they learned. Thisyear’s presentation was comprised of aslideshow entitled “Famoss [sic] Presi-dents In Histery [sic]” and a rendition of “America The Beautiful” by Mike Gloovar’10 on his recorder.“I did my project on Benjamin Franklin,our tenth president,” said Trevor Brooke’10 during the presentation, dressed in awhite wig and an oversized tweed coat.“He was really neat - he even inventedelectricity! Look, I brought a light bulb!”Brooke proceeded to show the crowdassembled a battery-powered light circuithe had made in the garage with his father,
presentation from the back of the room.
on, other students felt frowny faced after
“Uh, they asked hard stuff, like if Mexico is up or down on the map,” LaceGoiter ‘10 said after pulling her shirt upand rolling on the ground. “And after Tom[McRoy ‘10] threw up, my tummy startedto hurt. Could you rub it?”On Tuesday students also had to sub-
teacher who’s pretty nice even though heshouts a lot. Notoriously known as “thebig challenge for big boys!” the paper haslong been criticized by the larger academiccommunity for its strict no crayon policy.“This paper made my brain weallysweepy,” Jack Rickrone ‘10 said as heprinted off his quadruple-spaced, size 16-
-tation. “How am I supposed to write awhole pawagwaph when I’ve only studiedthe United American States for this many
Rickrone claims that regardless of thestrains of Googling pictures of the Con-
the projector, the rewards of the major faroutweigh its meany-pants demands - hedoesn’t even care if he has to stay insidethis weekend for not putting his name onhis paper.“I got a purple ice pop!” Rickrone
throwing his shoe across the room. “AndMr. Wutkoff said he was gonna makebwownies! This is the bestest comps testever!!”
By Satchmo Dirk JerkinsKAC — The halftime crowd at last week’s bas-ketball game was treated to the much-anticipatedKenyon debut of Boots Firmly Planted, a na-tionally acclaimed Amish step team from KnoxCounty.“These guys are step legends,” said an excitedMarcus Brackston ’10, head of the Kenyon StepTeam. “They’re right up there with the ShowtimeSteppers and StatusQuo in terms of co-ordination and tech-nique. And theirmoves are just —well, you gotta seeit to believe it.”The game’sanouncer pumpedthe crowd up witha raucous introduc-tion: “Kenyoooonare you ready forsome steppiiiiiin!?Boots Firmly Plantslet’s see what youcan do!” Thunder-ous cheering andhooting greeted Boots Firmly Planted as theytook the stage. But the group’s leader, HansLeifenhuuf, silenced the applause. “Nay,” heprofessed. “Thy revelry is forbidden. Galatians5:19–21 states that the acts of sinful nature —sexual debauchery, discord, idolatry, and drunkenorgies — shalt disqualify yon practitioners fromthe Kingdom of Heaven.”“They always start their set off with a discourceon Bible verses,” whispered an awed Brackston.“It’s amazing . . .”“Ho, Leifenhuuf,” reproached teammate AmosAchtung, “halt thine sour condemnations. ’Tisa joyful celebration of God’s majesty we do at-tend on yon day of Sun. Do not let slip thy mindof Psalm 149:3: ‘Let them praise His name withdancing and make music to Him with tambou-rine and harp.’ Soften thy wintry heart, Hans, andlet loose the di-vine power of thybritches.”The crowdcould barely con-tain their hytseriaby this point, withshouts of “Awwwshit son!” and“You da man of 
crew.The remain-der of the teammurmured inagreement withAmos’ wisdom.The expression of sternness lifted from Leifenhuuf’s face, and he
marks. Commence to bring it on.”Then, much to the crowd’s delight, the groupbegan a coordinated jig to DJ Unk’s
Walk It Out 
,verifying their status as step team champions.By Gurl Wulf WIGGIN ST— The clang of wedding bells rangout over the village of Gambier Saturday, herald-ing the nuptials of Peter Stevens, 9, and Kara Lu-cas, 5. The couple, who met three weeks ago dur-
their respective parents’ homes until one or bothof them is old enough to see over the counter. Thespectacularly pink and glittery wedding was at-tended by members of the Wiggin Street kinder-
whom had attended such festivities before.Not all of the guests were thrilled for the cou-
the service and, later, around the buffet tables andin the sandbox. “This is Peter’s eleventh wife,”said Wiggin Street math teacher Joan McCoy. “Alot of the girls at the wedding have been married
them to watch someone else step into shoes theyonce wore.” Still, some of the ex-wives in atten-dance remained positive throughout. Stevens’ninth wife, Eliza Hoppit, 6, said, “We parted ami-cably. He was a really good sharer. He always letme play with his blocks.”“I bet he did,” commented ex-wife DelilahLoops, 11. Loops, who married Stevens when shewas 6 and divorced him four hours later citingcooties and hair-pulling, elaborated, “I thoughtPeter was going to let me play with his blocksforever. It turned out he wanted to spread themaround, build some forts with other girls. I shouldhave known, younger boys never have the long-term in mind.”Stevens’ most recent ex-wife, Becky Granger,4, could not be reached for comment as it waseither naptime, bedtime, or bath time every timeher mom answered the phone, but close friend
-ter did not treat her very well, but she’s takingsome time for herself, you know, watching Dorathe Explorer to improve her Spanish, getting backin shape on the monkey bars. She’ll be okay.”“She still needed a booster seat, which reallycrimped my style,” Stevens said unapologeti-cally. “It’s hard to have a tickle war when you’rebelted six ways to Sunday.”Stevens, whose marriages have lasted any-where from two recesses to six months (“A
to Spain and I didn’t know how to call Spain.”) isproud of his record. “I’ve asked to be held back inkindergarten for the past four years,” he said. “As
-gage. Do you have any idea how many seriousemotional issues the whole concept of Phonicsbrings out in girls? Kindergarten for life.”“I don’t care,” the new bride said. “I love Peterthiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much, and we’re gonna be marriedat least ‘til I start losing my baby teeth. He prom-ised.”
Amish Step Team Performs At Half-Time
American Studies MajorsWorried About Pass-ing Big, Stupid Comps
Wiggin Street Kindergartner On Eleventh Wife
Boots Firmly Planted before a captivated audience.
By Granny HayesOLD KENYON — In what turnedout to be an unfortunate misun-derstanding Saturday night, locallibrarians Patricia Meriwether andCelia Fleming arrived at the ZetaAlpha Pi “Librarians and Barbar-ians” all-campus party. Expectingto attend an informative lecture onDewey Decimals on the BarbaryCoast, the women were shocked
Fleming described as “too loud.”“Once I saw the young men with
realized that Patty and I had madean error,” said Fleming. “The menwe had encountered were clearlyilliterate.”“I hadn’t been that confusedsince I found out that
Who Moved  My Cheese?
was a self-help book,not a cook book about dairy prod-ucts,” commented Meriweth-er. “All these years, I had beencataloging it wrong,” she added,chuckling.
-book as a “NATASTROPHE,”quickly evolved into a scene thatMeriwether described as “not qui-et enough.” “I saw Patty startingto overheat in her wool skirt suit,”said Fleming, “and I knew we hadto get out of there.” With everymoment that passed the informa-tion professionals became morecertain that they were, in fact, theonly real librarians at the party andthat the illiterates weren’t illiterateat all, but rather, male college stu-dents dressed as barbarians. “Noone even recognized my ‘SHHH!Librarian at Work’ sweater,” saidFleming. “People kept saying‘Haha that’s so clever. Did you getthat at Goodwill?’ But they givethese sweaters out every year tothe librarians working the Gam-bier Public Library Book Sale.”Stuck between two male stu-dents dressed as Germanic war-riors, Fleming and Meriwetherpleaded to get by the fake savages.However, their requests went un-heard as the women spoke exclu-sively in hushed tones.
Real Librarians Crash Zeta Alpha Pi Party
By Joe M. AmasasEDWARDS HOUSE —Over thepast few weeks, Kenyon Col-
been swamped with work. At
students trying to hand in formssimultaneously. Since the returnof the student body to campus inmid-January, students have beencoming through at all hours andasking countless questions, requir-ing a number of answers, rangingfrom, “No,” to “That form,” to“Yes, you do need that signatureas well.Frequent though ultimately un-founded worries circulated that
through lunch.As the window during whichstudents can drop or add classes
go back to just sitting there formost of the workday and answer-ing the occasional phone call.“There was a while there whenthe only time we could really allsit together and do nothing was thehour off that we all take at the sametime every day.” Sadie McEntyre,Head Registrar, recalled. “A pre-
of that has changed, and McEntyre
nothing all day.Overall, student reaction has
’12 told reporters that he was “soproud of all of us” for returning the
-ful, dormant state. “It was terrible,unfair, and downright inhumanethere. Can you imagine havingto sit at a desk and receive formsfrom or respond to people for al-most three hours each morning?Well, then imagine having to doit again, for another three hours,
row. Nobody should be surprisedwhen their questions are met withsurly, veiled hostility — undersuch intense working conditions,who could possibly still pay mindto politeness and decency?”Still, not everyone is happy.Carla Wartroth ‘11 complained,“It’s unreasonable to call whatthey do a work day.” Wartroth,who has not had to wake up beforeeleven and has had Tuesdays andThursdays off for the past three
Registrar, noted, “The combina-tion of extreme degrees of slothand entitlement is one of the mostdisgusting perversions of humannature,” before neglecting to dothe 20 minutes of Biology readingshe had for the 11th class in a row.
Registrar SitsBack On Ass
By Beauregard BeauregardSCIENCE QUAD — Studentsfrequenting the Science Quad inthe past month have beensubjected to both scaldingharassment and plaintiveattempts at human contactfrom Henry Moore’s LargeSpindle Piece, on loan tothe college from architectGraham Gund ’63.Much of the sculpture’santagonism seems to stemfrom jealousy for the groupof angels by Carles Milleslocated outside Rosse Hall.“Have you even seen thoseassholes?” it exclaimed.“Just up on those pedestals,playing their instrumentslike they don’t even knowwhat kind of picture they’recutting. Buncha phonies.They know. Of course theyknow. And they get madif you point it out, too. Allmorons hate it when youcall them a moron.”A small number of fe-male students have reportedengaging in relationshipswith the sculpture withvarying degrees of physi-cality. When asked about itssexuality, it Large SpindlePiece replied, “Winter’s thehardest, and I don’t needany psychobabble aboutSeasonal Affective Disorder to tellme why. It’s because of the girls,man. All bundled up and whatnot,they’re never going to do anythingpretty. Fall and Spring I’m fallinghalf in love every two seconds butin the winter it’s goddamn hard,”before sighing and pausing. “Girls.Jesus Christ. They candrive you crazy. They re-ally can.While a rare few are in-different to the sculpture’sdiatribes, most either feel
it utterly insufferable. “Allit talks about is its ‘deadbrother Three Way PieceNo. 2 (The Archer),’ ”commented Janet Wil-son ’12. “Apparently wewould have liked him.”Another student, whowished to remain anony-mous, described the sculp-ture as “kind of a whinybitch.”The abstract work’sdisillusionment seems tostem from a frustrationwith the human tendencyto take things for grant-ed. “This is a really niceplace you’ve got here, youknow?” it said. “I mean,sure, you’ve got your fairshare of jerks and all that,guys who can’t shut upabout themselves or theirfathers and all, but it’s anice place. People nevernotice anything.”
Sculpture Wishes Someone, Anyone Understood It
Merriwether and Fleming shushing the crowd.The Large Spindle Piece, brooding.

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