By Satchmo Dirk JerkinsTHOMAS HALL — Don’t look up. Don’tturn around, but sources indicate that everyoneis totally staring at you. Like, right . . . at you.They know what’s up. As long as you keepyour cool and don’t freak out or, like, start gig-gling, everything is gonna be mellow-yellow.No! Don’t get up. You just sat down,man. That’s way too obvious. It’s OK,
act normal. Oh my God, is that your advi-sor? She knows, man, she totally knows,man, oh shit, man. Shit, man. Shit, man.It’s OK, man, you’ve done this before.Remember when your mom came homefor her lunch break and you had no ideashe was going to and you were all like,“Fuck me!” but it was heady, man. She justthought you had woken up from a nap, andwas all like, “Hey, dude, chill.” That’s whatthis is gonna be like, man. Just chill out.Now your advisor is coming over. FUCK!Don’t run, man. Just think how fucking ridicu-lous that would look, man, just straight-up run-ning from your advisor. Just stay put and offerher some of your delicious Middle Ground pattymelt. OK, she’s asking you about your comps,man, just say they were dope. OK, that seemedto work. Now she’s asking you about after yougraduate. Just say you plan on livin’ and chillin’.OK, that seemed to work, too. She’s gone now.Good work, man. I knew you could do it.
P hil and er ’ s M ost S pl end i f er ous Sour c e o f N ews and Gossi p. V ol . 2, I ssue 1 3 A pr il 20, 2010
Visit Day For Admitted Stu
By Diesel JacksonRANSOM LAWN --This past weekend markedanother successful andpromising Admitted Stu-dents Weekend, reportedstudent hosts and mem-
-missions.“My prospie was amoney dude,” said JordanWonnerkzi ‘13. “He hadthis sense of humor thatwas just, I mean, well, likeyou know he was funny.”Tour guide Taylor Dig-gull ‘12 agreed with Won-nerkzi’s sentiment.“My groups this week-end were the sweetest,”announced the sopho-more. “This time it wastotally a pleasure to walkbackwards for hours.”“And you know,” Won-nerkzi continued, “It isgreat that Kenyon has op-portunities for their prospectives to come andreally get a feel for --- WHOA. Wait. Tell meyou just saw that eagle, please.”“Where? WHERE?” replied Diggull.“Dude look the fuck upwards right now. Didyou see it?” asked the sophomore, gesticulatingtowards the sky, “The eagle! He soars!”Diggul expressed his frustration, noting, “Ican’t see it! Ah!”“Did you SEEIT?” contin-ued Wonnerkzi, “The eagle? I mean, it justWHOOOOOOOOSHED across the sky, like,screaming its glorious freedom song. Whatabout you, reporter? You saw it, right!?”Jennifer Delahunty, Dean of Admissions, an-ticipates the most diverse and culturally-mind-ed prospective class in recent years.“Dude,” Wonnerkzi noted,“If you haven’t seen it look upnow, because it’s really hardfor me to tell you how dope thiseagle was. Okay but I knowyou are a pussy and won’t seeit so I’ll tell you what, brose-
so that I can look at it foreverbut I’ll also name it and give itfood so that it will be nice tome. Oh my god.”Wonnerkzi went on to ex-plain the gnarliness of the eagleand suggest that no one wouldunderstand how sweet it was.The college played host tohundreds of prospective stu-dents and their families, whowere able to attend classes, eatin Peirce, and get a genuine feelfor life on campus.
thought it was an angel,” saidWonnerkzi. “Like in
starring DannyGlover.”“That is a goddamn classic,”replied Diggull.“Yeah, man, but it was like that because wecommunicated. It looked me in the eye with itssweet superior vision and said, ‘Hey. Hey you.Yeah that’s right.’”“You really should have seen it, dude,” headded.The eagle could not be reached for comment.
Eagle Soars Over Ascension
Dude, Everybody Is Totally Looking At You