By Chuck “Needs a Ride” OrstersonGreetings and welcome back, fel-
low ’Stuheads! Doesn’t it seem like
just yesterday we were selling off ourold couches and looking for rides toD.C.? But alas. Another summer hascome and gone, and with it a fabulous
summer season of Allstu! Nervous
about diving into textbook trades andKFS screenings? Never fear: we’vegot you covered with our annual Re-cap & Review, guaranteed to bringyou up to speed.This summer’s Allstu seasonstarted off on a sad note, as we badefarewell to some beloved members of the ensemble. It’s always tough on usavid readers to see a favorite charac-ter move on, but, in this writer’s opin-ion, the tender goodbyes of KellyKand HansenE were a graceful saluteby the writers to the two’s great con-
tributions. Tears were owing!Of course, we’d barely nished
seeing them off before an old famil-iar face popped into the mix. Thatinfamous scamp StoleB is back forgood – or so say Allstu’s producers –and he’s certainly as roguish as ever.Some of this summer’s funniest andmost memorable moments hinged onhis classic quips and catchphrases.We can’t wait to see what he’s up tonext, not to mention how he’ll clashwith the young wildcard PelletierE.Now, dear ’Stuheads, you knowthis writer loves Allstu very much –even enough, sometimes, to help italong with some criticism. I’m sureit’s been on a lot of minds: the ‘Stuhas been leaning a little too heavilyon Yoga cancellations. Everywherethe plot went, it seemed like onewas waiting: morning Hot Yoga can-
celled! No noon KenyonFit! I’m not
saying cut it out entirely – some of the early seasons’ most poignant mo-ments were Men-Only Yoga schedulewoes – but, oh great Writers, if you’re
reading, please: ease off the Yoga!!Thanks for reading, ’Stuheads!
Tune in next week when we’ll be dis-cussing all the latest and greatest de-velopments, including (but certainlynot limited to) who’s playing rugby,who’s coming to Shabbat, and evenmore of those UNSUBSCRIBEs we
love to hate. Ciao!
Summer Allstu Season Recap
That scamp StoleB isback for good – or so sayAllstu’s producers.
By Diesel JacksonTHE CHURCH OF THE HOLYSPIRIT — Every Friday, as the clockin the church tower creeps closer tofour in the afternoon and every liv-ing being within earshot races awayindoors, Kenyon’s most consistentlyatonal music group climbs into thechurch to practice their craft: annoy-ing the shit out of everyone.Beatrice Dunk ’11, a fourth-yearveteran of randomly ringing whateverbell is within arms-reach and captainof the Pealers, says that her group “isunequivocally misunderstood, sir.”“Every member of the Pealers aninnovator and artist is,” states Dunk.“Quite misplaced we are to have tohaven ourselves within the church
and conne our raw genius to be
-tween 4:00 – 6:00 p.m., when thelight shines upon the stone face of ourshells, the bells and us a melted one[Dunk’s emphasis] in our hymnical
majesty, upon in an difcult indeed
worth for why in our happenstance.”When asked to elaborate, Dunkconcluded, “No one can grasp ourgenius.”At a recent meeting of the Peal-ers Manson Leftfoote ’12 ceasedhis playing, clutched his ankles, andstarted screaming. Shortly thereafterSamantha Fitz ’13 submerged hishead into cottage cheese, explaining,“It’s my vehicle.”A student-faculty group led byMusic Department Chair Profes-sor Theodore Buehrer is set to meetwith Campus Safety near the end of this week to discuss commencing theweekly test of the Tornado WarningSiren at 4:00 p.m., as opposed to itsusual time at noon, and extending thelength of the test for two hours.“We expect it to be a short meet-ing with a unanimous vote,” statedCampus Safety Director Bob Hooper.
“We’re just trying to nd a time other
than 4:00 – 6:00 p.m. on Friday wheneverybody can meet.”
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Gross
By Ed StrictlyROSSE STEPS — Upperclassmen
failed to sufciently harass the class
of 2014 at their Freshman Sing, col-lege sources report. As a result, thefreshmen have become an increas-ingly dangerous faction of the com-munity.In an effort to “respect the sanctityof the Sing,” Professor of Music Dr.Benjamin Locke sent out a student-info prior to the event, urging stu-dents and community members not to jeer during the First Year Sing.“Screaming and booing is, of course, inappropriate and discour-aged,” he said, calling instead for amore “cheerful” ceremony, welcom-ing the students rather than intimidat-ing them.While the booing has long beenconsidered a staple of the Sing, thecrowd last Tuesday heeded his warn-ing. What once would have been ahorde of screaming hecklers nowremained respectfully quiet. Theyclapped after each song, and evenshouted soft encouragement like
“You can do it!” and “You’re a wel
come addition to the community!” Inaddition, for the rst time in years,
the crowd pitched in for the audi-ence participation moments, such as,“Smoked the What?”“I’ve got to admit,” said freshmanJustin Barnes ’14, “we were expect-ing to be hissed and harassed. Whenwe weren’t, we thought we were do-ing something right.”“It’s absurd,” said Hank Wilde’11. “At
Sing, a few upperclass-men were operating a jackhammer inthe front row during our songs. Someother guys had hacked into a govern-ment database and were handing outour social security numbers to theaudience. And another group threw
aming bottles of kerosene-soaked
rags into us. It was rough, but we allgot out alive. And for the rest of theyear, we knew our place.”“This year Doc Locke told us notto,” he added. “What were we gonnado? It’s Doc Locke.”Indeed, since the Sing, it has be-
come common to see swarms of rst-
years terrorizing anyone they suspectof being older.“Look, here’s the deal,” saidBarnes as he bumped into JuniorClass President Kayla Johnson ‘12 inthe Peirce servery, spilling the con-
tents of her tray onto the oor, “if you
people really had any power over us,you would have asserted it when youhad the chance. You really screwedthe pooch when you clapped for us.What are you gonna do, encourage usto death?”“Oh, I’m
scared,” he added,pouring his glass of Powerade ontoJohnson’s head.“Yeah, okay,” said Barnes. “I’lllearn my place. I get it, I get it. I’m justa lowly freshman.” He then chuckled,and stuffed this reporter’s head intoa nearby plate of mashed potatoesand ham. “Smoked the WHAT?” heyelled. “Ham, ham,” I said.
First Years Not Sufficiently Harassed At Rosse Hall Sing
Sing, a few upper-classmen were operating a jackhammer in the frontrow during our songs.”