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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.1

Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.1

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06/02/2014

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By Esteban SinclaireTHE GAMBIER GRILL — Localbar The Gambier Grill, popularlyknown among Kenyon students asThe Cove, announced Friday thatthe establishment would no longeraccept the college’s “K-Card” as a
valid form of fake identication for
underage drinkers, opting instead fora policy that calls for government is-sued fraudulent IDs only.“We’re cracking down this yearin a big way,” said Grill managerStew Toddington after barely glanc-ing at the expired ID of a twenty-seven-year-old Alaskan organ donor.“Laughably easy entry into the Covewithout something that looks like
some sort of ofcial ID from some
-where is now a thing of the past.”The Grill, once notorious for al-lowing underage drunks practicallyeffortless admission, hopes the policywill make bar access for students un-
der twenty-one much more difcult
than in previous years.“The days of baby-faced freshman
 just waltzing in here ashing some
older student’s K-Card are over,”Toddington remarked between allow-ing the same twenty-three-year-oldWyoming resident to enter twice. “If you want our beer, you better show usan ID with a state’s name on it.”“Seriously, any state. Any state atall,” Toddington added.The change in door policy has sentwaves of panic throughout the studentbody, with many students forced to
walk back to their dorms to nd their
older sister’s driver’s license or thatpoorly laminated ID from “Navada”they purchased out of the back of some guy’s Volvo in high school.“My roommate had to walk all theway back to Mather because of thisbullshit,” said an outraged Kyle Frod-erick, ’14. “Oh, and this photo is afew years old, so that’s probably whyI look black.”Other patrons of the bar, like Ha-waiian resident Damarius Tyson,think the policy change is in the bestinterest of the community. Tyson,
who despite his ofcial height of 
six-foot-seven looks much shorter inperson, hopes the new rules will endwhat he calls “a serious, serious prob-lem.”“Yeah, it’s harsh, but here’s to
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the kenyon collegiate 1
Cove Now Accepts Only Government-Issued Fake IDs
INSIDE THIS ISSUE
By Roy McKluskinGAMBIER, AND SOON, THEWORLD — Last Thursday, Kenyon
Business Ofcer Mark Kohlman an
-nounced that the school’s K-Cardprogram would soon be expandingto include yet more of our favoriteregional businesses. “That cantanker-
ous gas station man nally gave in!”
yelled Kohlman, punching the air inexcitement.Students have had similar reac-tions. “Now that my drug dealer takesthe K-Card, it’s like this huge burdenhas been lifted, convenience-wise,”said Shane Millman ’11, adding,“Thanks Mom and Dad for the 600
dollars worth of weed!”
Other students reported plans to
“go wild” at the Post Ofce, buying
whole books of more expensive com-memorative stamps. Even facultymembers are looking forward to thechanges. “I think this new level of ac-cess is great,” said English ProfessorJohn Puntwaffe. “For instance, if cer-tain faculty members were able to ac-cept bribes through K-Card, it mightmake certain students’ lives a loteasier. I’m just saying that Intro Fic-tion hypothetically could be a swipeaway.”
Tuition Now Only Payable By K-Card
By Sheridan Whiteside
Prove Your Intelligence by ArguingWith Professors
Looking for a competitive edgeover your fresh-faced peers? Wantto distinguish yourself as one of thehigher intellects of your class? Nexttime your professor defends Keynes-ian economics, tell them about thatcompeting theory you heard about onNPR while driving to Kenyon withyour Mom. Your skepticism will im-press everyone, especially your class-mates.
What to do When You Get GenitalWarts
Sixty-ve percent of campus is in
-fected with genital warts. When you
become aficted, you have three op
-tions: You could forgo sex complete-ly, but you won’t. You could also tellfuture partners about your condition,but as that would be social suicide,you won’t do that either. Instead, re-main silent and propagate your dis-ease. It will be dark anyway, so it’snot like anyone will notice. Be care-ful: Condoms will only irritate the
warts. Fun fact: The other thirty-ve
percent of campus has herpes.
Loiter Outside the Market to De-termine Who Is Twenty-One
See that bearded guy in the Ramonest-shirt? Well, he’s your ticket todrunken debauchery. Try these tricksto attract his attention:
The
Collegiate 
Guide To Freshman Living
“Can’t we all agree thatpaying for things is alot more pleasant with apicture of your face?”
Continued on page 4.Continued on page 2.
Lords Football SeasonBegins, Reports No One
Te Kenyon Collegiate 
is looking for new writers!Email
kenyon.collegiate@gmail.com
to apply! (Sorry, no freshmen yet.)
Freshman Girls Suffer-ing From Post-DramaticStress DisorderPhotowall InadvertentlyCaptures Murder
Jasper Cleary ’87, with his ID.
Continued on page 2.
 
2
 
please recycle issue before or after reading 2
By Dingo RockefellerMCBRIDE RESIDENCE HALL —Karl Worthington ’14 has basically
gured out how Kenyon operates,
those close to the freshman reported
yesterday. The rst year student, who
attended the Writing and Thinkingpre-orientation program, is believedto have a knowledge of the innerworkings of the college that is vastlysuperior to his peers who did not at-tend pre-orientation.“Yeah, I think I’ve got a prettygood grasp on the whole collegesituation,” Worthington noted. “I cantotally navigate my way through Mc-Bride and Mather’s riot-proof halls, Iknow not to step on the seal in Pierceand I use all the cool slang terms,like ‘Baby Drama’ and ‘The Gates of Hell.’”“It took some time to really get thisplace,” he admitted, “but I’ve got itdown by now. When they told us atLife on the Hill not to talk on our cellphones on Middle Path, I was like‘duh,’” he chuckled.Worthington professed his exper-tise on a variety of Kenyon esotericaincluding but not limited to the Mt.Vernon shuttle schedule, professors’ratings on ratemyprofessor.com andhow to subscribe to allstus. In ad-
dition, the rst year offered perfect
directions to elusive campus localessuch as the AD Bull’s Eye and theUpside Down Tree.The ten-day Writers and Think-ers program has reportedly givenWorthington not only nearly limitlessinsight into Kenyon academic andsocial life but into Kenyon roman-tic life as well. “I keep telling mysingle friends,” said Worthington, “Iremember just how they felt when I
rst came to Kenyon — like I’d be
alone forever. But then I found mygirlfriend and we haven’t been apartsince. The two of us have had our ups
and downs, but it’s worth the difcul
-ties to know I’ve found my one truelove: Jen Brinsdsley…or Brondsley.
Brinckley? It denitely starts with a
B’”.
Pre-O Attending Freshman Has Kenyon “Pretty Much Figured Out”
1. Clap three times and wink2. Loudly talk about forgetting yourI.D.3. Use the terms “Milk Cartons” and“the Cove”4. Wave money in the air and holler,
“Minor here!”
Consume All Resources
You know all those great friends you just made? Why not celebrate by tak-ing all twenty of them to a party?There’s a whole block of apartments
on the north end of campus speci
-cally designed to throw events just foryou and your friends. There’s even
free beer!Did you know: Scavenger hunt!
Many apartments will put deliciousfree snacks in convenient locations,like the top shelf of a tall cabinet or
sock drawers. Happy hunting!
Demonstrate Your AppreciationFor The Arts
What are you, a Philistine? Get that
cultured heinie over to the poster sale!There you will nd plenty of Salva
-dor Dalí and Bob Marley posters toglue to your wall. Your whole hallwill be dazzled by your originalityand artistic vision.Tip: Show off your collection by host-
ing a cocktail party. Invite your CA!
From ‘Fake IDs,’ p.1
helping end the epidemic of under-
age drinking!” said Tyson, who is in
town for the next four years visiting a
cousin. “Cheers!”
The policy accompanies a waveof new changes for the bar, includingencouraged employee-initiated physi-
cal contact and uctuating, seemingly
random pricing.“This year marks a new chapter inthe history of The Cove, a chapter of communal safety and concern,” saidToddington while waving in a groupof young tourists from North Dakota.“We’re no longer just in it for thatsweet, sweet underage money.”
“I use all the cool slangterms, like ‘Baby Drama’and ‘The Gates of Hell.’”
From ‘Freshman Living,’ p.1
by Clams CasinoNEW APARTMENTS — A newcampus-wide study reveals that a se-lect group of students are ready for a
full-scale recall on their esh-baring
summer attire. Although the majorityof students embrace the few goldenmonths of warmth with bare feet andtee shirts, a small group of studentswould give anything to be back intheir winter woolies.“Yeah, yeah, I know what wintermeans,” laments Dave Weatherseed’12 with a wry smile lilting over hischapped lips. “Long nights in thelibrary, fractured bottoms from slip-ping on ice, Seasonal Affect Disor-der… But I’d trade my severe caseof dandruff any day to be back in mywoolen socks.”Students cite hairy legs, bacne, andresidual beer bellies from last springas the top sources of anticipation formore conservative attire.“I was working as a camp coun-selor this summer and the whole timeI kept wishing I was back at Kenyon,”explains Annabel Whitcomb ’13. “Allthe counselors did this ‘No ShaveJuly’ thing, and it was so embarrass-ing. I don’t know any woman withmy amount of forearm hair. I kepttelling myself ‘Two more months tolong sleeves.’”Whitcomb, an EnvironmentalStudies major, already has plans fornext summer researching bat guanoand its effects on sustainable agricul-ture in Barrow, Alaska.“My campers called my arms,‘Narnia’,” Annabel added, “I can’twear sillybandZ. They get stuck andthen I have to rip them off. What self-respecting eight-year-old girl wantsto trade sillybandZ that are covered inmy nasty arm hairs? It was a legiti-mate social hindrance at Camp Teela-wookit. I can’t wait until it dropsbelow 50 so I can get back in my
annel shirts so I don’t have to shave
my forearms every morning and mid-afternoon.”“My pea coat, my pea coat, a king-dom for my pea coat,” chants dramamajor Libby Moskowitz ’11, slightlymisquoting Shakespeare’s
 Richard  III 
. “My left breast hangs about threeand a half inches lower than my right.It’s a chiropractic problem, not hor-
monal, so it’s totally xable. It would
 just be a lot less noticeable duringthe winter months when everyone istoo busy nursing their fracturing theirbottoms to notice that my left breasthangs about three and a half incheslower than my right.”Other students look forward towinter clothes for the peace of mindthey provide in social situations.“Before I go to class I usually lay-er up with a pair of long johns undermy corduroys,” says Charlie Esquivel’11 while he cans root vegetables forprovisions in the colder months, “Itmakes my beer gut a little less notice-able, plus it acts as a safety precau-tion against the inevitable afternoonseminar NRB.”Summertime enthusiasts expressperplexity and concern for those whofavor warmer, more covered-up ap-parel.“I’m beautiful, and I love mybody,” offers Sandy Nichols ’14 asshe tugs at her Spanx under her sun-dress. “I think it’s really sad that peo-ple are that insecure. They should justbe comfortable with who they are.”
Self-Conscious Students Psyched For Return To Winter Clothes
Worthington, outside of Hayes Hall.Esquivel, ready for February.
 
kenyon.collegiate@gmail.com 3
By Chuck “Needs a Ride” OrstersonGreetings and welcome back, fel-
low ’Stuheads! Doesn’t it seem like
 just yesterday we were selling off ourold couches and looking for rides toD.C.? But alas. Another summer hascome and gone, and with it a fabulous
summer season of Allstu! Nervous
about diving into textbook trades andKFS screenings? Never fear: we’vegot you covered with our annual Re-cap & Review, guaranteed to bringyou up to speed.This summer’s Allstu seasonstarted off on a sad note, as we badefarewell to some beloved members of the ensemble. It’s always tough on usavid readers to see a favorite charac-ter move on, but, in this writer’s opin-ion, the tender goodbyes of KellyKand HansenE were a graceful saluteby the writers to the two’s great con-
tributions. Tears were owing!Of course, we’d barely nished
seeing them off before an old famil-iar face popped into the mix. Thatinfamous scamp StoleB is back forgood – or so say Allstu’s producers –and he’s certainly as roguish as ever.Some of this summer’s funniest andmost memorable moments hinged onhis classic quips and catchphrases.We can’t wait to see what he’s up tonext, not to mention how he’ll clashwith the young wildcard PelletierE.Now, dear ’Stuheads, you knowthis writer loves Allstu very much –even enough, sometimes, to help italong with some criticism. I’m sureit’s been on a lot of minds: the ‘Stuhas been leaning a little too heavilyon Yoga cancellations. Everywherethe plot went, it seemed like onewas waiting: morning Hot Yoga can-
celled! No noon KenyonFit! I’m not
saying cut it out entirely – some of the early seasons’ most poignant mo-ments were Men-Only Yoga schedulewoes – but, oh great Writers, if you’re
reading, please: ease off the Yoga!!Thanks for reading, ’Stuheads!
Tune in next week when we’ll be dis-cussing all the latest and greatest de-velopments, including (but certainlynot limited to) who’s playing rugby,who’s coming to Shabbat, and evenmore of those UNSUBSCRIBEs we
love to hate. Ciao!
Summer Allstu Season Recap
Entertainment 
That scamp StoleB isback for good – or so sayAllstu’s producers.
By Diesel JacksonTHE CHURCH OF THE HOLYSPIRIT — Every Friday, as the clockin the church tower creeps closer tofour in the afternoon and every liv-ing being within earshot races awayindoors, Kenyon’s most consistentlyatonal music group climbs into thechurch to practice their craft: annoy-ing the shit out of everyone.Beatrice Dunk ’11, a fourth-yearveteran of randomly ringing whateverbell is within arms-reach and captainof the Pealers, says that her group “isunequivocally misunderstood, sir.”“Every member of the Pealers aninnovator and artist is,” states Dunk.“Quite misplaced we are to have tohaven ourselves within the church
and conne our raw genius to be
-tween 4:00 – 6:00 p.m., when thelight shines upon the stone face of ourshells, the bells and us a melted one[Dunk’s emphasis] in our hymnical
majesty, upon in an difcult indeed
worth for why in our happenstance.”When asked to elaborate, Dunkconcluded, “No one can grasp ourgenius.”At a recent meeting of the Peal-ers Manson Leftfoote ’12 ceasedhis playing, clutched his ankles, andstarted screaming. Shortly thereafterSamantha Fitz ’13 submerged hishead into cottage cheese, explaining,“It’s my vehicle.”A student-faculty group led byMusic Department Chair Profes-sor Theodore Buehrer is set to meetwith Campus Safety near the end of this week to discuss commencing theweekly test of the Tornado WarningSiren at 4:00 p.m., as opposed to itsusual time at noon, and extending thelength of the test for two hours.“We expect it to be a short meet-ing with a unanimous vote,” statedCampus Safety Director Bob Hooper.
“We’re just trying to nd a time other
than 4:00 – 6:00 p.m. on Friday wheneverybody can meet.”
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Gross
anging 
 
witH 
 
tHe 
ealers 
By Ed StrictlyROSSE STEPS — Upperclassmen
failed to sufciently harass the class
of 2014 at their Freshman Sing, col-lege sources report. As a result, thefreshmen have become an increas-ingly dangerous faction of the com-munity.In an effort to “respect the sanctityof the Sing,” Professor of Music Dr.Benjamin Locke sent out a student-info prior to the event, urging stu-dents and community members not to jeer during the First Year Sing.“Screaming and booing is, of course, inappropriate and discour-aged,” he said, calling instead for amore “cheerful” ceremony, welcom-ing the students rather than intimidat-ing them.While the booing has long beenconsidered a staple of the Sing, thecrowd last Tuesday heeded his warn-ing. What once would have been ahorde of screaming hecklers nowremained respectfully quiet. Theyclapped after each song, and evenshouted soft encouragement like
“You can do it!” and “You’re a wel
-
come addition to the community!” Inaddition, for the rst time in years,
the crowd pitched in for the audi-ence participation moments, such as,“Smoked the What?”“I’ve got to admit,” said freshmanJustin Barnes ’14, “we were expect-ing to be hissed and harassed. Whenwe weren’t, we thought we were do-ing something right.”“It’s absurd,” said Hank Wilde’11. “At
my
Sing, a few upperclass-men were operating a jackhammer inthe front row during our songs. Someother guys had hacked into a govern-ment database and were handing outour social security numbers to theaudience. And another group threw
aming bottles of kerosene-soaked
rags into us. It was rough, but we allgot out alive. And for the rest of theyear, we knew our place.”“This year Doc Locke told us notto,” he added. “What were we gonnado? It’s Doc Locke.”Indeed, since the Sing, it has be-
come common to see swarms of rst-
years terrorizing anyone they suspectof being older.“Look, here’s the deal,” saidBarnes as he bumped into JuniorClass President Kayla Johnson ‘12 inthe Peirce servery, spilling the con-
tents of her tray onto the oor, “if you
people really had any power over us,you would have asserted it when youhad the chance. You really screwedthe pooch when you clapped for us.What are you gonna do, encourage usto death?”“Oh, I’m
so
scared,” he added,pouring his glass of Powerade ontoJohnson’s head.“Yeah, okay,” said Barnes. “I’lllearn my place. I get it, I get it. I’m justa lowly freshman.” He then chuckled,and stuffed this reporter’s head intoa nearby plate of mashed potatoesand ham. “Smoked the WHAT?” heyelled. “Ham, ham,” I said.
First Years Not Sufficiently Harassed At Rosse Hall Sing
“At
my
Sing, a few upper-classmen were operating a jackhammer in the frontrow during our songs.”

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