By Chet PastinoHey there, ladies and germs. Now,you all know me: I’m not much of what you’d call a reader. In fact, thelast book I read was
The Never End-ing Story
—and that’s a movie! One
thing about books, though--they
never end! Or at least that’s how it
FEELS.By the way, here’s a story that nev-er ends. No, I’m kidding—who am I,
my MOTHER? Picture this: me, Chet,
going into the Kenyon Bookstore. Orshould I say the Bagel-Store-That-
Occasionally-Sells-Books?! Who’swith me?
So I’m in the B.S.T.O.S.B. and Isee this sign: “Banned Books Week2010.” And I’m like: “BANNED
BOOKS? The only BANNED
BOOKS I’m interested in are booksabout RUSH, my favorite BAN(ne)
D.” Banned books? Get outta here.
Speaking of banning books…yes
But, hey, HEY, you know ol’
Pastino. I’ve been known to rufe a
feather or two. So I walk up to the list,and I’m like, “Hey, banning books isthe best idea since I installed a snooze
button on my GIRLFRIEND! Am Iright or am I right?”
And this bookstore lady, she saysto me, she says, “Haven’t you heard
of the First Amendment?” So I’mlike, “Shut it, bookworm!” And she’s
all, “You’re being rude again, Chet.”Sounds like she really threw the
BOOK at me! Who does she thinkshe is—BOOKer T. Washington? I
sure BOOKED it out of there, let metell you. Boy, this sure is one for the
Well I asked around and it turnsout this First Amendment thing givespeople the right to free speech. Or
should I say, WRONG to free speech?
Right to free speech. In your dreams.There are only three free things I’minterested in: free cannolis, freeRush tickets, and
MOVIE, by the way)! I wish I wasFREE of all this controversy! And
HOW.Books, books, books.
Get rid of em! I saw this guy read
Brave New World
by AldousHuxley. I says to him, I says, “Morelike,
Brave POO, NERD
!... By AllthisSUCKS, see?”
Or how about
ON. They should call it…
I’m Feel-ing ILL. Egad
And don’t even get me started on
To Kill A Mockingbird
by Harper Lee.
By Harper Lee? More like, “Bye,Harper Lee!” Now THAT’s what Icall rufing some FEATHERS.
Maybe I should write that one
By Elgin Marbles TIMBERLAKE HOUSE — Studentsin Professor Alzane’s Special Topic:“The Sentence” cannot wait to getcracking on the dependent clause,sources report. While many classestackle whole time periods, coun-tries, or techniques in the course of a semester, Professor Alzane’s IPHSseminar focuses on the study of justone sentence.“It’s an amazing opportunity,”Martin Wydied ‘14 gushed. “I mean,
a lot of my friends are almost nish
-ing whole books, but we’re getting anopportunity to really delve into themeat of literature, really see wherethings start, and, I’d even say, wherethings end. A lot can happen in a sen-tence.”Originally written in Sorbian, alanguage native to the Lusatia regionof Eastern Germany, the sentencecomes from an 18th-century trav-
elogue by an author identied only
as Jan the Darker. Hand-bound insheep’s gut, the text in which it ap-pears was discovered by Alzane lastspring while on sabbatical.First, the class focused on trans-lation, particularly the theoreticalsubtleties of studying a text in a lan-guage one would never actually learn,according to Gaby Cady ’13.“I mean, I took French in highschool,” Cady admitted. “It takes a lotof time to translate stuff. I’m reallygrateful to have such a brilliant pro-fessor to do it for me. We talk aboutwords, a lot. That’s in my notes.”Cady also noted that the sentenceallows for lots of opportunity to dis-cuss personal theoretical concerns.“As a feminist, I’m really interest-ed in punctuation as penetration,” shesaid. “By the way, do you know what
a semicolon’s for?”Condent that the sentence refers
to blood and not goat’s milk, the classplans to reference Christ for a whileas part of a self-directed group-thinkmethodology, Alzane said.“Class is kinda like being in an an-gry mob, like a horde, but in like a to-tally chill way,” Finn Neuregard ’12said. “We kinda just shout a lot andthis one kid slams his hand on the ta-ble sometimes. That’s how you knowsomething exciting is happening.”For many students, the text is morethan just an insight into an obscurehistorical period, offering opportuni-ties for self-discovery as well.“It’s got me writing a lot in my di-ary,” said Josh Divan ‘13. “I’m crazy‘bout this Dark guy, like Madonna,he’s a lot like me, we’ve got issues,but we’re just tryin’ to know what itall means in this crazy show calledlife.”
What’s The Deal With Books?
Special Topic Studies Sentence, Finds Universe
Guy St. Ives ‘12Hannah Santa Anna ’14Prissy Doodle ’14
Totals so far:Students: 31Faculty: 8.5
Hewlet G. McFarlaneAssoc. Prof. of PsychologyBruce HardyAssoc. Prof. of Anth.
What if God wasone of us?
His name would beRalph Lauren.
That’s neitherhere nor there.
Just a slob like
one of us?
What’s the only risk yourun having phone sex?
Nothing, if my historyis any indication...
What the littlegirls said.
What do you love yousome of?
What do you love?You love a car!Wearin’ a kilt.Spearin’ beasts.That’s insulting.
What’s the deadliest sin?
White after labor day.
Abandoning your onlydaughters.Letting your applebutter rot.