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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.3

Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.3

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11/30/2014

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By Granny HayesRANSOM HALL — Two weeks agoKenyon was named the most beauti-ful campus in the world by ForbesMagazine. Since the article waspublished,
The Collegiate
has set out
to nd what professors and students
think makes Kenyon truly beautiful.For religious studies professorRoyal Rhodes, Kenyon contains thebeauty of a modern day Paradise.“Yes, Kenyon is Eden atop a Hill,”said Rhodes, looking up at Old Ke-nyon where streams of ivy used tocover its walls, “but Eden would benothing without its nefarious snake.There is ugliness here--I can sense it.”Rhodes then touched two perfectlyround eggs in a dove’s nest, ensuringthat they would hatch motherless andcold.For junior Samantha Lorba ’12 it’sthe autumn foliage that certainly putsa spring in her step and a smile on herface.“When the leaves all turn a crispbrown and cover Ransom Lawn, Iimagine dropping a single lit matchonto the foliage,” said Lorba, look-ing over Kenyon’s rolling hills — thesame hills where Philander Chaseonce stood and exclaimed, “Have Iever seen the sun shine on something
so magnicent?”
“Not that I would ever do it,”Lorba continued as she picked onesingular daisy and put it behind herear, “ but I am just curious how muchwould burn. Do you think it would
reach Leonard?...ha! well, I really
have no idea.”Others like sophomore James
Edgewick ’13 nd beauty in old fash
-ioned intellectual stimulation and theinner workings of our own noggins.“Sometimes I wonder what itwould be like to kill another man,”said sophomore James Edgewick ’13as he walked past the charming Sun-set Cottage. “You know, like whatit would feel like to hold the bloodybody in your arms during its last mo-ments of life, listening to it gasp for
P
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30, 2010
the kenyon collegiate 1
‘Beautiful Campus’ Award Exposes Ugliness Within
By Gunderson ThreeplyGUND COMMONS — Over the pastseveral weeks, Campus Safety hasreported that an increasing number of complaints have surfaced concerningone Daniel McClann ’11. “This cat islong on dough and short on morals,”said Dick Huxley, a campus security
ofcer. “He’s lifted it from roughly
twenty students, and he don’t aim tostop.”“I’m playing pool in the GameRoom, and this guy just slithers up,asking me if I want to make someeasy money,” recalled Albert Reyn-olds ’14. “I win a few rounds, makesome cash and decide to clean himout, just to get him to leave. But thenhe starts pulling some real ridiculousshit: behind the back shots, hat tricks,ricocheting the balls of the ceiling. Atone point I’m pretty sure I saw the
very face of God himself reected in
the cue ball. Next thing I know, I’m
at on my ass and broke.”
McClann, who insists on beingcalled “Handsome Dan” despite hisunnervingly thin pencil mustacheand nigh-constant perspiration, wasunapologetic when confronted out-side Hanna Hall. “What, just becausesome schmucks can’t keep track of their money, all of a sudden it’s my
problem? What’s it to you? You acop or somethin’?” McClann asked.
He then refused to answer any morequestions, claiming that he “neededto get to the market for a pack of Lucky Strikes.”Some students may recall Mc-Clann’s “Slick Vicar” scheme from
Gund Game Room Falls Prey To Pool Shark
By Clams CasinoPHILO — Lambda Kappa brotherspublicly defended posters advertisingtheir “Hotel Browanda”-themed partylast Tuesday at an emergency GreekCouncil meeting.Associate Visiting Professor of French Camille Matys-Rahbar was
the rst to speak out about the post
-ers at last Monday’s faculty meet-ing. “There are highly offensiveadvertisements posted on academicfacilities,” vented Matys-Rahbar. “Ihave children who walk around thesebuildings. What are they supposed to
think?”
President Nugent called for apublic apology from Lambda Kappaand scheduled the emergency GreekCouncil meeting for the followingday.“We’re just a bunch of hardyAmerican pun enthusiasts,” arguedLambda Kappa president Jesse Os-serstein ’11 during the preliminary
address of his libuster. “We’re justlooking to have a little…pun?”
Osserstein went on to explain thatthe fraternity had spent nearly 60% of their total 2010 budget on costumes,decorations and multimedia in prepa-ration for their party, calling a changeof theme “out of the question.”“My buddy Peter even made awhole bunch of 
ibicuba
and tradition-al Tsuti hunting song mash-ups forthe occasion,” Osserstein explained.
“It was denitely a bad call to put the
posters in academic building. That Iconcede, yes. But in terms of imageson the posters, I mean, how else arefreshman going to know what to wear
to parties? They need guidance.”
“At one point I saw thevery face of God himself 
reected in the cue ball.Next thing I know, I’m aton my ass and broke.”
Continued on page 5.
I
nsIde
T
hIs
I
ssue
Broken Heart Mended  With Amish Pie
Kenyon Collegian
Run-ning Out Of Ways To Say Football Team Loses
Continued on page 6.
“K 
enyon
s
M
ost
h
 andicaPPed
-a 
ccessible
n
ewsPaPer 
At the heart of this beautiful college lies nothing but darkness.
Free Store Run YieldsIronic Hat, Unironic Lice
Upperclassmen Disapprove
“We’re just a bunch of hearty American pun en
-
thusiasts.”
Continued on page 4.
Fraternity Defends “Hotel Browanda” Themed Party
Chem Hard; Dick Limp
 
2
 
please recycle issue before or after reading 2
By Sheridan WhitesideHAYES HALL — On July 15, thePhysics Department received a ship-ment of 100 kilograms of pure weap-ons-grade uranium from an unknownsource. Escorted by a hazmat team inpurple suits, the isotope U-235–en-riched uranium was, according to astatement from the department, “ex-pected to propel Kenyon physics tothe forefront of nuclear research.”Sources say Professor of PhysicsBen Schumacher, on sabbatical forthe 2010-11 academic year, madea surprise appearance as the truckscame to a stop in the science quadcourtyard. As he pried the top off of awooden crate exuding a strange greenglow, Schumacher ordered the boxes
to be sent to his ofce, exclaiming
simply, “Excellent.”Capable of causing liver, kidneyand heart failure, massive brain dam-age and genetic mutations, U-235weapons-grade uranium also has theunique ability to start an apocalyptic
ssion chain that would annihilate ev
-
erything in a fteen-mile radius and
cause the area to become a radioac-tive wasteland.“To put it in layman’s terms, thisstuff could really fuck somebody up,”said physics chair Timothy Sullivan,hastily throwing a sheet over a largemetal casing. “Good thing we’re us-ing it for peaceful research.”However, after months of silence,
Weapons-Grade Uranium “Just For . . .Research,” Says Physics Department
By Boat ThorpeGUND LOUNGE — Chaz Chase
‘14 notied the Ofce for Wealthy
Students’ Affairs (OWSA) when heinvited his hallmates to eat at theMiddle Ground Café and was metwith nervous stares and awkwardthroat-clearing. Chase told
The Col-legiate
that he was “playing
SuperSmash Bros
” with his hallmates whenthe incident occurred. “Cam [Trucks‘14] was just saying we should all goto dinner,” he recalled, “and he keptbitching about Trayless Tuesday, soI was like, ‘dude, let’s go to MiddleGround.’”
According to the report Chase led
with the OWSA, Trucks reacted neg-atively to this suggestion, claimingthat the Middle Ground Café “sucks”and that “everyone” would be eatingat Peirce Dining Hall. Chase, whosemother allows him unlimited use of her credit card, did not understandthis, as at an earlier date Trucks hadstolen a Middle Ground chicken ten-der from Chases’s to-go order and de-scribed them as “frickin’ good.”Chase, who has had summer jobsbut only for the experience, remind-ed his friend of this incident. Trucksand the other Gund residents in at-tendance responded by avoiding eyecontact and saying “um.” “It wastotally weird,” said Chase, whosemost awkward interactions to datehad been with his family’s Braziliancleaning lady.Finally, Hal Prooker ’14 spokeup, saying, “It’s kinda expensive.”Chase, wearing pants that cost over$200, protested that most items onthe Middle Ground Café menu were“like seven bucks.” When this failedto convince anyone, Chase, whosefamily dog is named after a famousauthor, began to realize his friendswere not who he thought they were.“I guess Hal and Cam must be, like,scholarship kids,” Chase said. Hethen expressed regret for describinghis family’s Martha’s Vineyard housein such detail.Maxine Bohrer, assistant directorof the OWSA, said that Chase’s expe-riences are unfortunately not unusual.“Many highly privileged students
nd it difcult to relate to their less
fortunate peers,” Bohrer said. Sherecommended wealthy students learnabout the poor experience by sleepingwithout a mattress pad or watchingHBO’s
The Wire
.Trucks could not be reached forcomment, as he was busy working athis on-campus job.
Wealthy Freshman Doesn’t Understand Why We Can’t Just Go To Middle Ground
“Chase . . . has had sum
-
mer jobs but only for theexperience”
Continued on page 5.
Schumacher at the time of delivery.
By Charlie AdamsGAMBIER — Kenyon’s newlyfounded Milks Reenactment Club
staged its rst successful perfor
-mance last Saturday evening, report-ed Hannah Caplan ’11, the group’svice president. According to Caplan,the night’s spectacle was the result of “hard work, painstaking research, andrespect for the lessons that bygonedebauchery can teach us.”Caplan, who founded The MilksReenactment Club just a scant twoweeks earlier with friends Jana Hef-ferman ’12 and Rhonda Xu ’11, saysthat “[the club] seeks to recreate theentire Milk Cartons experience for anew generation. We believe that ourhistory — even those hazy nightsspent funneling Red Stripe dressedas Ke$ha — is a valuable part of usthat we must pass on to younger stu-dents.”By that measure, Saturday nightwas a smashing success: the eventattracted hundreds of spectators andreceived smash-hit reviews. “as faras i’m concerned, those girls WEREthe milks girls, [sic]” read one glow-ing allstu. “Im only a sophmore. butwhen they poured pbr all over anna[Jones ’12]’s hair, i knew that i under-stood the milks expereince. and thoseare lessons i’m gonna take with meback to old kenyon, to weaver, andbeyond. [sic]”Of course, the opinions of somespectators were not so glowing. “Ididn’t understand the point,” saysKeller Pomo ’14. “It was just a party.I can go to the Ganter and see thatany day of the week. I can’t believe
Milks Reenactment Club Stages First Party
Continued on page 5.
The reenacters displaying extraordinary attention to detail.
“The Milk Cartons era is
an important part of ourhistory.”“To put it in layman’sterms, this stuff could re
-
ally fuck somebody up.”
 
kenyon.collegiate@gmail.com 3
By Chet PastinoHey there, ladies and germs. Now,you all know me: I’m not much of what you’d call a reader. In fact, thelast book I read was
The Never End-ing Story
—and that’s a movie! One
thing about books, though--they
never end! Or at least that’s how it
FEELS.By the way, here’s a story that nev-er ends. No, I’m kidding—who am I,
my MOTHER? Picture this: me, Chet,
going into the Kenyon Bookstore. Orshould I say the Bagel-Store-That-
Occasionally-Sells-Books?! Who’swith me?
So I’m in the B.S.T.O.S.B. and Isee this sign: “Banned Books Week2010.” And I’m like: “BANNED
BOOKS? The only BANNED
BOOKS I’m interested in are booksabout RUSH, my favorite BAN(ne)
D.” Banned books? Get outta here.
Speaking of banning books…yes
please!
But, hey, HEY, you know ol’
Pastino. I’ve been known to rufe a
feather or two. So I walk up to the list,and I’m like, “Hey, banning books isthe best idea since I installed a snooze
button on my GIRLFRIEND! Am Iright or am I right?”
And this bookstore lady, she saysto me, she says, “Haven’t you heard
of the First Amendment?” So I’mlike, “Shut it, bookworm!” And she’s
all, “You’re being rude again, Chet.”Sounds like she really threw the
BOOK at me! Who does she thinkshe is—BOOKer T. Washington? I
sure BOOKED it out of there, let metell you. Boy, this sure is one for the
BOOKS!
Well I asked around and it turnsout this First Amendment thing givespeople the right to free speech. Or
should I say, WRONG to free speech?
Right to free speech. In your dreams.There are only three free things I’minterested in: free cannolis, freeRush tickets, and
Free Willy
(another
MOVIE, by the way)! I wish I wasFREE of all this controversy! And
HOW.Books, books, books.
Get rid of em! I saw this guy read
-ing
 Brave New World 
by AldousHuxley. I says to him, I says, “Morelike,
 Brave POO, NERD
!... By AllthisSUCKS, see?”
Or how about
The Iliad 
? Come
ON. They should call it…
 I’m Feel-ing ILL. Egad 
!
And don’t even get me started on
To Kill A Mockingbird 
by Harper Lee.
By Harper Lee? More like, “Bye,Harper Lee!” Now THAT’s what Icall rufing some FEATHERS.
Maybe I should write that one
down. UH-OH!
By Elgin Marbles TIMBERLAKE HOUSE — Studentsin Professor Alzane’s Special Topic:“The Sentence” cannot wait to getcracking on the dependent clause,sources report. While many classestackle whole time periods, coun-tries, or techniques in the course of a semester, Professor Alzane’s IPHSseminar focuses on the study of justone sentence.“It’s an amazing opportunity,”Martin Wydied ‘14 gushed. “I mean,
a lot of my friends are almost nish
-ing whole books, but we’re getting anopportunity to really delve into themeat of literature, really see wherethings start, and, I’d even say, wherethings end. A lot can happen in a sen-tence.”Originally written in Sorbian, alanguage native to the Lusatia regionof Eastern Germany, the sentencecomes from an 18th-century trav-
elogue by an author identied only
as Jan the Darker. Hand-bound insheep’s gut, the text in which it ap-pears was discovered by Alzane lastspring while on sabbatical.First, the class focused on trans-lation, particularly the theoreticalsubtleties of studying a text in a lan-guage one would never actually learn,according to Gaby Cady ’13.“I mean, I took French in highschool,” Cady admitted. “It takes a lotof time to translate stuff. I’m reallygrateful to have such a brilliant pro-fessor to do it for me. We talk aboutwords, a lot. That’s in my notes.”Cady also noted that the sentenceallows for lots of opportunity to dis-cuss personal theoretical concerns.“As a feminist, I’m really interest-ed in punctuation as penetration,” shesaid. “By the way, do you know what
a semicolon’s for?”Condent that the sentence refers
to blood and not goat’s milk, the classplans to reference Christ for a whileas part of a self-directed group-thinkmethodology, Alzane said.“Class is kinda like being in an an-gry mob, like a horde, but in like a to-tally chill way,” Finn Neuregard ’12said. “We kinda just shout a lot andthis one kid slams his hand on the ta-ble sometimes. That’s how you knowsomething exciting is happening.”For many students, the text is morethan just an insight into an obscurehistorical period, offering opportuni-ties for self-discovery as well.“It’s got me writing a lot in my di-ary,” said Josh Divan ‘13. “I’m crazy‘bout this Dark guy, like Madonna,he’s a lot like me, we’ve got issues,but we’re just tryin’ to know what itall means in this crazy show calledlife.”
What’s The Deal With Books?
Special Topic Studies Sentence, Finds Universe
STUDENTS
Guy St. Ives ‘12Hannah Santa Anna ’14Prissy Doodle ’14
 Totals so far:Students: 31Faculty: 8.5
Vs.
FACULTY
Hewlet G. McFarlaneAssoc. Prof. of PsychologyBruce HardyAssoc. Prof. of Anth.
What if God wasone of us?
His name would beRalph Lauren.
We’re Episcopalians!
I am.
That’s neitherhere nor there.
Just a slob like
one of us?
What’s the only risk yourun having phone sex?
Nothing, if my historyis any indication...
Hearing aids!
Carpal tunnel.
Pish posh!
What the littlegirls said.
What do you love yousome of?
Voss water.EXLCUSIVE.
What do you love?You love a car!Wearin’ a kilt.Spearin’ beasts.That’s insulting.
Bueller?Bueller?
What’s the deadliest sin?
White after labor day.
Abandoning your onlydaughters.Letting your applebutter rot.
Tardiness.Man.
Total Correct 
ZeroThreeTwoThree

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