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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.6

Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.6

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08/07/2013

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M
 arch
15, 1840
By Dingo RockefellerOLD KENYON — The college com-munity turned out in droves yesterdayto christen the newest addition to ourcampus: the so-called “Old Kenyon”Residence Hall, which is being hailedfor its spacious rooms, its beautifularchitecture, and, most of all, its com-
plete imperviousness to re.
“This is an historic day for Ken-yon,” said College President Luke
Belfast, lighting the ceremonial re
-works on the steps of the new dormi-
tory. “With its stone foundations andcopious ventilation, we nally have
a building on campus that we can be
certain will never be set ablaze.”
The building, which experts agreecould not conceivably be engulfed in
ame, took two and a half years tocomplete. In addition, it arrived sig
-
nicantly under budget, much to thedelight of college ofcials. Accordingto architect Eric Alexanian, this is due
to the fact that, because of the impos-
sibility of conagration, the college
was able to save money on such ex-travagances as extinguishers, smoke
detectors and re escapes.
The response from students has
been almost entirely positive. “We’re
so excited to have a building on cam-pus that can serve as such a model for
safety,” said Todd Packer ’42, throw
-ing his lit cigarette onto a pile of oilyrags in the corner of his new dormroom, “whether hosting candlelightvigils, roasting wieners over an open
ame or simply adding to my ever-
growing magnifying glass collection,
my classmates and I can remain con
-
dent that nothing will ever, ever gowrong.”
P
hilander 
s
M
ost
s
Plendiferous
s
ource
 
of
n
ews
 
 and
ossiP
.
ol
. 3, i
ssue
6 n
oVeMber 
10, 2010
the kenyon collegiate 1
Kenyon Builds Unburnable Residence Hall
 a
pril
23, 1822
By Sir Edward Crigsby, of the MostNoble Order of the GarterLONDON — True to form, thatknave Lord Kenyon has once againdisgraced himself in front of the up-
per echelons of British society. He
appeared before the House of Lordsclearly inebriated and twenty min-utes after the meeting had started lastweek, wearing a pair of large sun-shades that he no doubt thought clev-
erly disguised his drunken state. He
spent the remainder of the meeting
snifing and coughing, attempting tolook busy by shufing a large sheaf of papers. When he tired of this, he
attempted to take notes, the result of which was a rather grotesquely ren-
dered image of Mrs. Maria Fitzher
-bert engaged in sexual congress witha number of men — including onewho looked suspiciously like Lord
Kenyon himself.And let us not forget two months
past when Lord Kenyon and his part-ner in crime Lord Gambier took a wild
 joyride on Mary MacReady’s prizeass, Eustace. Kenyon and Gambier
rode the animal until it bucked themoff and they collided with Bucking-
ham House. They dusted themselves
off, proclaiming it “a most excellent
pass of the time, sirrah.” Before Scot
-
Lord Kenyon Remains Drunken, Irresponsible Boor
M
 arch
1, 1979
By Herb Bruce 
GAMBIER — The woes don’t seemto end for Kenyon’s Swimming andDiving teams. The Lords and Ladies
each ended yet another winless sea-son last week by falling to conference
“rival” Denison University.“It’s not so much of a ‘rivalry,’ Idon’t think,” remarked Barry Fluren
-
heim, Denison head coach. “I don’tthink our athletes see it that way. It’sreally more of a clinic.”
“Like challenging a sea anemone
to a footrace,” he added.
Since head coach Jim Steen washired in 1976, the Lords and Ladies
have yet to muster a single win. Ath
-
letic Director Alan Baird is beginning
to wonder if Steen is the right man for
the job.
“Results speak loudest, and thewin/loss column is speaking very
clearly to me,” said Baird. “‘No, Mr.AD, just give me another year,’ and‘I promise I can turn this around’ —these things don’t mean anything tome. The results aren’t there.”“We may have to just cut the pro
-
grams altogether,” continued Baird.“It’s just that we don’t have enoughmoney to keep funding losers.”
Unlike Baird, Steen sees greatpromise for the future of Kenyon
swimming.
“You know, we really got the tal-
ent,” said Steen. “It’s all there. We just need to put in a solid effort and Ithink we’ll nd success. We’re mov
-
ing in the right direction. We have all
the pieces, we just need to put them
together.”According to reports, the teams
are fast becoming the laughing stock
of the campus. Campus pranksters
have begun targetting Steen and theswimmers, aiming to humiliate the
swimming program even further.Even Baird hasn’t excluded himself 
Continued on page 2.
t
he
rchiVes
i
ssue
Kenyon students light up the night in celebration of their new unburnable dorm.
Continued on page 2.
College Swim Teams See Déjà Vu, Finish Winless Again
Lord Kenyon, carrying on as usual.
 A N
ote
F
rom
t
he
 e
ditors
-i
N
-C
hieF
Dear Reader,Inside this issue o 
Te KenyonCollegiate,
you’ll nd some-thing a little diferent rom ourstandard are. We’re calling itthe “Archives Issue,” or it con-tains all o the nest journal-ism rom our 188 years o pub-lishing — the best and mostimportant o all the articles we’ve ever printed.Each piece begins with thedate when it was originally published. None o the acts,language, or predjudices havebeen updated to our modernstandard — all o the text ap-pears in its original orm.Enjoy,
Te Kenyon Collegiate 
 
2
 
please recycle issue before or after reading 2
D
eceMber
8, 1941
By L. Rust Hills
OLD KENYON — Students andprofessors gathered in the Old Ken-yon bomb shelter yesterday to havea good-old-fashioned radio-gather-
round extravaganza. Kenyon’s ROTC
and the newly formed Committee to
Ban Asian Studies sponsored theparty.“Well, I wouldn’t call it a party,”said Scott Grodd ’42, “but yes, I guessI was surprised that so many peopleshowed up.” In spite of the need toprepare for upcoming nals, most
said they felt drawn to Old Kenyonby a desire for community discourse
and what Becker Fletcher ’41 called
“the promise of being surrounded byfour walls made of triple-reinforced
concrete.”“I really appreciated the opportu
-nity to really talk to my professorsoutside of class,” said Clark Beasle
’44. “I was able to ask them ques
-
tions like ‘What is the possibility that
this business will lead to my getting
drafted?’ and ‘When are your ofcehours again?’”Professor of Creative Writing
Gerald Night brought refreshmentsin the form of cookies, canned meat,
and a year’s supply of drinking wa
-
ter. Listening to an announcement by
President Roosevelt, he gave some of 
his predictions. “Frankly,” he said, “I
expect every young lad in this room
to be marched off to Iwo Jima beforethe year is up.”
“Pearl Harbor is so far away,“but what happened today really hit
home,” said Frank Couch ’41, em
-phasizing how social gatherings canwork to bring the Kenyon community
together.
Grodd, the president of ROTC,called the event “more subdued”
in tone than the group’s last, WWI-themed party, “The War to End AllWars.”
The Collegiate
also noticed ashift in mood as we tried to interviewpeople and were repeatedly told to be
quiet and listen to the broadcast.
O
ctOber
12, 1923
By Preston MontgomeryPeirce Dining Hall — Peirce DiningHall will begin serving food from fa-cilities outside of Knox County start-ing next week, school administrators
announced Thursday.
The decision, spearheaded by
campus group People Endorsing Ag
-
ricultural Shipping (PEAS), marksthe beginning of the College’s new
campaign to stop serving locally
grown food at Kenyon.
“No longer will Kenyon studentshave to eat the awful dribble of Knox County,” Head Chef Nathan-iel Thomson said between bites of a
sausage link packaged on the oorof a Detroit slaughterhouse. “Now
everyone can enjoy food as it wasmeant to be enjoyed — freeze-driedby immigrants and shipped over a
thousand miles.”Thanks to new addi
-tions to the Erie Canal, Kenyon plansto bring in large quantities of foodsfrom severely unregulated facilities
as far away as Iowa. These shipments
aim to end what many have called a
“monopoly” of the school’s eatery
by local farmers, who gathered at theGambier Community Center this pastMonday to discuss their outrage at
the College’s decision.
“My cousin says they got one of them new steel horses in Missouri that
can till a eld in under a week!” local
farmer Edward Bigsbee yelled amid
shouts of “It was them Chinese!” and“Pass the burr whiskey!” “We ain’t
gonna stand a chance competing with
them mah-chines, ’specially now thatEd Jr.’s got the rickets!”“Quit yer hollerin’, you old coots!”
local farming leader Cyrus Honey-bucket yelled as he stood with his
shotgun raised, quieting the crowd.“Now I ain’t book-learned andsuch, but I got me a hunch that a
time will come when the public willtire of this fancy far-off food, a timewhen them students will cry out forlocally grown meals and agrarian sus-tainability,” Honeybucket said as anunusual silence fell over the group of 
overall-clad men. “Hell, farming may
even become kinda hip, with disillu-sioned students sticking around aftergraduation to work on our farms fornext to nothing just to avoid getting a
real job. And on that day, on that day,we farmers will have the last laugh.”Honeybucket’s farm was report
-
edly foreclosed the next day. Despite
the community outrage, Kenyon stu-dents remain enthused about the pros-
pect of new dining options.“I feel much safer eating foodfrom a can,” Bradley Bailey ’24 said
while helping himself to a plate of 
mercury-tainted trout ash-frozen ina sweatshop in Minnesota. “At least Iknow where it’s coming from.”
Students Listen To Radio Broadcast As Pearl Harbor Explodes In Flames
Dining Hall To Serve Food From Outside Knox County
Students No Longer Forced To Eat Local
From ‘Boor,’ page 1.
land Yard could apprehend the hooli-gans, they disappeared into a crowd-
ed alehouse. They were seen several
hours later, drunk on sack, relievingthemselves on the Houses of Parlia-
ment. All of them.
Of course, we all remember thetime that Lord Kenyon arrived, unin-
vited, to Viscount Trotmore’s Candle
-
mas feast with fty members of theHouse of Commons in tow. The un
-
ruly brigade consumed fteen suck
-ling pigs, seventy-two roast pheas-
ants, and the Viscount’s entire supplyof Veuve Clicquot. When asked if he
would reimburse Trotmore for the
intrusion, Kenyon said, “I’faith, sir
-
rah, I’ll do’t. Calm thyself. Or are thy
garters in a bunch?” He proceeded to
arrive at the Viscount’s Twelfth NightFeast with eighty-six members of the
House of Commons and a number of 
ladies of ill repute. His “gift” to the
Viscount was a single cask of ale,with the word “ale” scrawled over
with the word “Amontillado.”
Lord Kenyon spent the rest of theevening ogling the heaving chest of 
the Viscount’s wife, Lady Anne, and
was reported to have asked a numberof ladies-in-waiting their opinions
“regarding illegitimate children.”
Truly, one would have to be in des-perate straits indeed to request aid
from such a clod.
Workers in Chicago take part in the new faraway-food economy.
“I feel much safer eatingfood from a can,” BradleyBailey ’24 said.
from the festivities; last week, whenSteen requested money to order newkicking boards for the coming season,Baird instead sent a dozen boxes of 
“water wings,” or inatable aquaticarmbands, to Steen’s ofce.While Steen’s position as headcoach may be in danger, it hasn’t
stopped him from brainstorming
strategies to ensure the teams’ futuresuccesses. “I think I’ve been appeal
-ing to the wrong things in these kids,talking about the glory and privilege
of being a student-athlete, etc.,” saidSteen. “Maybe I’ll tempt them with aparty or something. Where you canpractically go naked. These hippy-
dippy kids these days would eat that
up. I just need to nd an angle.”With the team’s future looking
bleak, the administration faces anuphill battle to justify the continued
expense. However, not all of Ken
-yon athletics are suffering; the Lords
Football Team holds the NCAA re
-cord for most consecutive wins in thehistory of the league, and look for-ward to demolishing Hiram College
on September 3.
From ‘Swim Teams,’ page 1.
Students gathered in the state-of-the-art Old Kenyon bomb shelter.
 
collegiate@kenyon.edu 3
February 6, 1834
By Roderick Crenshaw, M.D.As the festival of St. Valentine ap
-proaches, it has become customaryfor a young man to give voice to theoft-silenced corners of his heart, andmake known his affections for a par-ticular lady of his acquaintance, oftenthrough the bestowing of trinkets and
owers. However innocent and deco
-rous such practices may appear tothe mature eye, one must not let theiroutward beauty mask the carnal de-
sires hidden beneath. For in this time
of romance, it is all too common fora man to succumb to the temptationsof a maiden in the blush of youth
and virtue. In order to prevent suchcatastrophes, I have called upon my
medical expertise and compiled sev-eral prescriptions for the eliminationof erotic feeling during this most dan-
gerous season.Firstly, it is recommended that the
young man troubled by sinful urgesshould drink a simple mixture of 
goat’s blood, chamomile, and quick
-
silver. The brightest minds of medi
-cal science have discovered that thiselixir, taken in the morning and eve-ning, will quiet the mind of carnalthoughts and allow for diligent study
and prayer. Should this treatment fail,
either through lack of fortitude on thepart of the patient or through the sheerforce of the carnal urge, several more
brutal methods may be attempted. A
man in Zurich has found that on oc-casions when carnal desires manifestthemselves physically — modestyprevents me from describing this phe-nomenon any further, as there may belady readers — a sudden and rigorousapplication of ice-cold water elimi-
nates the problem. In extreme cases,
a stern lashing by a schoolmaster orpriest may be necessary to expunge
lascivious thoughts. Should none of 
these methods prove effective, a heftydose of opium, that wondrous cure-all, is sure to restore the sin-ravaged
man to a model of health and virtue.
October 12, 1969
By Timothy “Moonbeam” PallsbergLadies of Kenyon, allow me to in-
troduce myself: name’s Pallsberg,
Timothy Pallsberg, but you can call
me Moonbeam. Righteous. Anyway,I want to take this opportunity towelcome you chicks to our campus.It’s a pretty happening spot, full of 
peace, love, poetry, and some groovymelodies provided by yours truly andCheryl, my six-string acoustic bride
(See? You’re not the only ladies onthis hill. And I’m pretty skilled at
strumming more than folk songs, if 
you get my drift.) You’re here, we’rehere, let’s jam. Far out.Now, I don’t want to bring you
down, but lot of the less-righteousmen here fought against your arrival,
saying you’ll mess with the Kenyonvibe. “We’ll have to do away withPant-less Tuesday,” they cried. “We’ll
lose our freedom to pee anywhere we
please, whenever we want.” “We’llhave to shower.” But I say to thosedudes, what’s your bag? Why can’t
we all just live in harmony? No need
to change the ow we’ve got going!If you wanna join in our groove, themore the merrier! We’re all studentsof life, ghting the system, livin’ thedream. After all, it’s
 Mother
Naturewe worship, not
The Man
. The times,they are a-changin’. In fact, this gentsees no gender — rather, I read yourauras. However, I may need to feel
your body in order to get a clearer
impression. Gently, though. Softly.
Preferably by candlelight, or at least
by the glow of my lava lamp.
Brothers and sisters, we have agolden opportunity to get back to
the garden right here in Gambier. If 
we can put a man on the moon, why
can’t we put some ladies on this hill?I’m not a big fan of local dates —
those Mount Vernon girls are waytoo square, and none of them listen
to the Velvets. That being said, I’m
aware that the girly types are a bit
different from us men. So, I’m takingthis opportunity to offer my services.Ladies, I’ll help you read big wordsyou don’t understand. I’ll explain themeanings of Milton and Melville. I’ll
point you in the direction of Middle
Tips For Purging Your Loins OfUnseemly Desires This Valentine’s Day
An Open Invitation To The New Ladies Of Kenyon
Opinion & Advice 
New All-Student Crier Informs Campus Of The Inane, Profound
May 5, 1831
By Crispin FleetwoodGAMBIER, OH — In an effort to
create a campus-wide message fo-rum for students and faculty, Ken-yon administrators have hired theassistance of a town crier, thirty-
six-year-old Jacoby Dobbs. Dobbs,
whose powerful voice has lead himto several attention-grabbing jobs,walks up and down Middle Path ev-ery morning and every evening toshout student-submitted messages to
all close enough to hear. The mes
-sages, which range from the admin-istrative to the downright silly, canbe submitted to Dobbs in person orat drop-box locations around cam-
pus. Dobbs will make rounds to en
-sure that each message submitted is
announced.“What’s so great about having Ja
-coby on campus,” said Oliver Meek-er, professor of anthropology, “is thatstudents not only have access to im-portant campus information, but can
supply information to other students.In the past, if a student lost her bi
-
cycle, she wouldn’t have a place toaccuse a stranger of stealing it. Butnow she has that outlet.”“I’m so glad that we have thisnow,” said Nicholas Shiller ’32, a se
-
nior art major. “I was on my way toWednesday falconry class, and I hap
-
pened to hear Jacoby shouting, ‘Heyguys, falconry is cancelled today.I’ve been feeling ill lately. — Clar
-
ence.’ What a lifesaver!” Dobbs says
that he has been personally thankedby several people for notifying them
of their missing wallets. “You know,
sometimes all it takes to brighten
someone’s day is a simple ‘Hey, did
you lose a brown wallet last night atOld Kenyon? Describe it, and you
can have it back. — Timothy Green.’It’s not the most efcient system,
since the guy who has the wallet
has to be in earshot of me when I’mshouting the guy’s description of hiswallet, but hey, it’s the best systemwe got.”
Dobbs has only been on campusfor three weeks, and already an “all-student” culture is emerging around
his announcements. “People are
starting to use me as a vehicle fortheir clashing opinions of campus
events. The other week, a debate
surfaced over the quality of campusfood, and let me tell you, it was a
blast to be on my soapbox that day.I really got into the whole ‘war’ as
-
pect of the thing. Eventually I just
got into a shouting match with my-
self.” Dobbs loves his job, but he ad
-mits that there are certain messages
that get to him. “I encourage stu
-dents to come to me when they have
a complaint, but if I have to keepshouting out, ‘To the asshole who’s
breathing too loudly in the library:
kindly shut the fuck up!’ I might justlose it.”
Dobbs will make rounds toensure that each messagesubmitted is announced.
Continued on page 4.Continued on page 4.
In extreme cases, a sternlashing by a schoolmastermay be neccessary.Brothers and sisters, wehave a golden opportunityto get back to the garden.

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