Philanders Most sPlendiferous source of news and GossiP.

Vol. 3, issue 9

february 16, 2011

Franzen Visit Increases Campus Dreaminess Quotient

By Roy McKluskin GAMBIER Acclaimed author Jonathan Franzen came to campus Wednesday to discuss his new novel, Freedom, significantly upping Kenyon Colleges dreaminess quotient in the process. The change has been truly extraordinary, said sociology major Denise Lambina 11, whose independent study looks at rates of charisma among college students. Weve seen a twenty percent increase in the pensive soulfulness sector in the last day alone! Theres just been something so . . . hunky about the campus atmosphere in the last few days, said Professor of English Samantha Heizel. My students have been distracted, looking out windows, and reading aloud in husky, monotone voices. Other signs of the phenomenon include shirts slowly coming unbuttoned at the collar, sudden feathering

InsIde ThIs Issue

Office Hours Attended

Girl Pretty Much Just One Of The Guys

of the hair, and an increase in pictures taken in dashing three-quarter profile. Chip Lithos 14 reported being in the middle of reading for my lit theory class when I suddenly felt compelled to put down Foucault and put on my roommates black, thickrimmed glasses. Upon looking in the mirror, the freshman described the efOn Middle Path, Franzen takes a moment to look pensive.

fect as smoldering. The freshman then spent the rest of the afternoon in contemplation of life and his own sparkling brown eyes. I really think its amazing the way that a single person can inspire this much enthusiasm in the student body, Lithos said. That sexy, sexy body.

Parent Photographs Amish For Blog

Freshman Meets Everyone

By Elgin Marbles GAMBIER GRILL At approximately 1:25 a.m. Sunday, Arthur Mills 14 met everyone. The decisive moment occurred at the Gambier Grill, where Mills was somehow ordering his third gin fizz of the night. As Jordan Prince 11 approached to point out the similarity between their scraggly dark beards, Mills swiftly offered his signature firm-but-light handshake and finally finished his nine-month quest to meet all 1640 of the colleges students. It wasnt that hard, Mills said. I guess I just make a point to go to the Cove pretty regularly and forcefully introduce myself to every person I make eye contact with. My Frisbee friends have a New Apt. Citing statistical improbability, the math department questions the feasibility of Millss claim. Hed have to meet about ten unique, new people every day, said President, Treasurer, and Secretary of the Algebrainiacs Beth Tron 12. I usually start to ext he kenyon collegiat e
Mills meeting The Collegiates photographer.

By Charlie Adams

Greg To Take It Easy This Weekend

hibit symptoms of a panic attack after two. According to some sociology majors, most of the people Mills met would have had to have remained what researchers would call acquaintances. An acquaintance is someone you dont know-know, but, like, you still know, English and sociology double major Max Azram 11 explained. Used in a sentence: Naw, dude, I havent put it there yet, were still just acquaintances.

Continued on page 2.

GAMBIER Last Monday, in a private disclosure to his close friends, Greg Swanson 13 announced plans to just stay in and take it easy this weekend. Citing fatigue, a heavy workload, and just a really weird week in general, the sophomore English major admitted he felt the need to sort of lie low and get some work done. I just keep thinking, we shouldve seen this coming, reported Charlie Timmons 13, a high-ranking friend with close ties to Swanson. Gregs been in kind of a weird mood all week. Like, Ivan [Palmer 13] and I both noticed him spacing out at our NightCAPS meeting and Gregs roommate Jerry [Lovins 13] told me that he caught Greg wearing the same jeans for three days in a row. For many, though, the decision has come as a shock. Sophomore studio art major Callie Meyers 13, a classmate of Swansons who has a crush on him, expressed minor confusion

and disappointment in the wake of the announcement. Additionally, two appearances Swanson had scheduled for the weekend a Village Inn Trivia Night slot and a freshman hall reunion dinner at Fiesta will both presumably be canceled.

I think Ill just watch a movie or something and turn in.

Since his statement Monday, Swanson has remained reticent about his motivations. Im just not feeling up to going out, he offered when pressed. I was looking forward to going south with the guys on Friday, but I think Ill just watch a movie or something and turn in. Besides, last weekend at Weaver was fun enough. I dont feel bad about taking a breather. And no, its not about Laura [Reynolds 13], he added. We

Continued on page 4.
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Seminar Confirms Poem Objectively Abominable

By Clams Casino LENTZ HOUSE Professor Lillian Chungs Wednesday afternoon Introduction to Poetry seminar came to the unanimous conclusion that a poem by Charlie Pinkowski 14, Life Is But A Tenuous Eggshell, is objectively horrifying. I was a little nervous to workshop my first poem, admitted Pinkowski, but I felt good. Plus, Id had my favorite granola for lunch. According to sources, Pinkowski is an avid birdwatcher and accomplished fencer. Pinkowskis roommate described the introverted freshman as precious, delicate, and light-boned. Before class, the homeschooled freshman reportedly distributed homemade shortbread cookies with personal messages baked inside. I bit into one of his cookies, said sociology major Sammie Ashforth 12, and there was a fucking piece of paper in it. I thought it was a mistake, and then I opened it and it said, Have a beautiful day, Sammie. Professor Chung thanked Pinkowski for the treats and invited him to read his poem. I dont think this needs much explanation, stated Pinkowski as he unsheathed the atrocity from his

From Freshman, page 1.

Defending these allegations, Mills suggests that like racist and homosexual, everyone should be understood as a relative term, open to a spectrum of meaning. I imagine there are a few people living in Watson that I dont know, Mills said, sucking on a celebratory cocktail onion. Maybe some physics majors. Mills celebrated the occasion by promptly posting, Met everyone at Kenyon, WHAT NOW!?!? to his Twitter account. Also, a festive photo of a cat swimming in sequins with the Helvetica caption Bitch Please appeared on his Tumblr within seconds, and popped up on your News Feed for weeks. Mills was both humbled and astonished by his achievement. College is about leaving the quad and these fake glasses, which are fabulous! Mills proceeded to wear this reporters glasses and do that European kiss thing to everyone at the bar. Dont just stay in and play Apples to Apples, he added from behind the bathroom door. But seconds later, when asked what he planned to do next, Mills was unavailable for comment, as he was curled up around the toilet. Sources close to Mills say hes considering travel, and has been spending his free time filling out transfer applications in Gund Commons.

Trapper Keeper. After pausing a moment for questions, the doe-eyed freshman began to read the poem. The poem was met with such silence that Associate Professor of English Nancy Derbish could be heard clipping her fingernails in her office upstairs. Its not my place to make a student feel bad about himself, commented Chung, so I asked if there was anything in particular that he thought needed improvement. Professor Chung asked me if anything needed improvement, noted Pinkowski. I didnt see any weak spots, really. Im pretty proud of it I think this is some of my best work

to date. I mean, this isnt even really my opinion at all, Professor Chung explained after Pinkowski finished reading his monstrosity. This poem is metaphysically appalling. The guy walks around with this heavenly glow around his head, commented Eleanor Bates 13. After class I called my pastor and wept for an hour. He offended me. He offended my people, offered Anne Lin 13. He should suffer quietly in hell for what hes done. Im excited for next week, Pinkowski added. Im writing a sonnet!

Pinkowski with his beloved Golden Retriever, Milo.

Lack of Volunteers Causes Phlings Cancellation, Self-Destruction

By Barker D. Flugelhorn PEIRCE HALL Philanders Phling, which in years past has been a festive, spirit-warming celebration in February, was canceled this year after its inner workings, unable to be sustained, collapsed in on themselves. Thanks to a successful evacuation, no one was injured, but insiders suspect the calamity was caused by a lack of volunteers. The numbers just werent there, says Phling student organizer Jessica Parkstein 12. I guess this year was just the year that no one wanted to help the cause. Parkstein expressed confusion over the cancellation, as she and other Phling organizers distributed multiple e-mail messages to the campus pleading for help. The basic gist of the email was, Cmon, guys, if we dont have thirty-six people in the next fifteen minutes signing up for door duty, Phling will be unable to sustain itself and will destroy everything in its path, explained Chad Montgomery 11. Either people dont check Allstus anymore, or all hope has drained from the free world. Philanders Phling was shut down at around 10:20 p.m. on February 5, roughly an hour after the festivities began. Eyewitness reports indicate that Peirce Hall was experiencing extraordinary tremors, a clear warning sign that Phling was becoming to be too fun for the personnel to handle. Due to a snafu in bookkeeping, said Desmond Carter 13, we initially thought that we had an adequate number of volunteers required for the elaborate, intensive maintenance of Phling. But unfortunately, even those numbers dwindled rapidly. We assume that the volunteers realized the gravity of their task and ran for the hills. As a result, campus administrators were forced to evacuate the building as Phling slowly destroyed itself. What people dont realize is that Phling isnt just a party its a vast network of subtle mechanisms that require a large troupe of intelligent, able-bodied, and hardened volunteers, said Porter Essman 12. This isnt just some namby-pamby little fete in the countryside. Phling is the real deal, and its more complex than you would ever, ever imagine. Essman recounted in horror his experience just before the evacuation took place. I was in the atrium, and everything seemed to be going as planned. But then I went downstairs and counted the casino workers there were only fifteen. They were working themselves to the bone, and it wasnt enough. Thats when I knew that everyone had to get the hell out, because this thing was gonna blow. A multitude of angry parents have harangued Phling administrators for

endangering their children, and have asked what Kenyon is doing to keep this situation from ever happening again. The way I see it, says organizer Tim Buriss 11, there are two things that we could consider in going about this. One, we hire a large team of professional floaters and coat checkers, which would be a considerable financial burden, or two, we send even more Allstus, even more urgent in tone, with our humble plea: Volunteer for Phling with 34 of your closest friends, or the newly rebuilt Peirce Hall will be torn into a thousand million pieces.

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Opinion

Notes From My Sabbatical, Bitches!

By Professor Glenda Henderson

Im Hiding Under Your Pillow Until Darkness

When I Will Emerge And Murder You
By Angela trails? Just lovely. No, but seriously, youre fucking dead. You messed with the wrong spider. I guess you could call it bad luck, if your definition of luck includes premeditated first-degree murder. I have mandibles and poison, and they will destroy you. In fact, at this very moment, six of my eight eyes are studying you from the shadows. Hows that calzone? Not so good? Well, thats unfortunate, seeing as its your last meal. Other than my fangs in your throat,

What up, malakas! That is the Greek word for wankers! Thats right, I called you a masturbator! From the ancient term , which is a masculine term, a colloquial vulgar term among friends. Eat it! If you want to respond accordingly, call me a moun, or for my classics students. It means vagina! To which I respond, go suck a ptsa ()! Im in Greece! For the whole year! With my husband! And its winter back at Kenyon and youre all working hard and fighting colds and being miserable! And I dont give a shit! Skat! The Collegiate asked me to write about my experiences here in the beautiful seaside village of Aeropoli, where Im writing my book about Petros Pierrakos, who started the Greek War of Independence in 1821. At first I responded with i gam-

sou! Thats fuck off! But then my husband and I got tired of sunbathing under Helios and the piercingly blue Aeropolian sky. So I decided to humor you pale dickfaces. By the way, hows the Midwest? Yeah? Cool. Well, culture started here. And right now I can reach out and touch a white sand beach with my big toe. The fact is I havent given a rats ass about Kenyon for the entire year. And its fucking awesome. Im having the time of my life, eating great food, and my body has never looked this good. Holy shit, you have to try galaktoboureko. Thats a custard desert inside crisp phyllo. Its impossible to say and impossible to put down. Fucking delicious. And last weekend Jim and I took a trip along the coastline, where we caught a beautiful moonlit concert by Mikis Theodorakis at a villa in Piraeus. The gods really do live here, motherfucker! How is it back at Kenyon? I remember this time of year there. Its either miserably cold or thawing just enough to make the entire campus a pool of muddy, slushy shit. I dont miss it for a second. And you know what else I dont miss? Grading papers. And you know what student with an annoying laugh I dont miss? Ted Hamels. And you know what student I dont miss coming to office

Continued on page 4.
Hannah Santa Anna 14 Prissy Doodle 14

Hey there, roomie. Just wanted to catch up, you know, for old times sake. Hows political anth going? Great? Thats fantastic. I see youve added a new sweater to your collection in the closet here love the color. Oh, and one more thing: tonight youre going to die. You see, I too love Cosmo. Sometimes, when you are in class, I rappel down from my web up by your denim rompers and catch up on all the latest sex tips. Theres actually some really useful stuff in there. Only, I kill and devour my mates after sex, but hey, apples and oranges. Sometimes, though, I hate Cosmo. Like when its rolled up and used to murder my brother Franois. Have you ever seen a still twitching corpse plastered on the wall by its own en-

I have mandibles and poison, and they will destroy you.

of course. I sort of regret this, actually. Weve had some good times together, like the time you tried to vacuum me, destroying my web and unborn children, or that time that you sprayed my cousin Thomas with RAID. Ill have to get something to remember you by, like a necklace containing a vial of your blood. Well, its almost dark outside, and you just stepped out to brush your teeth. Guess its time to crawl under your pillow. I hope your last dreams are good ones.

STUDENTS

Trevor Hartington 14

Sergei Lobanov-Rostovsky Sam Pack Professor of English Prof. of Anthropology

FACULTY
Totals so far: Students: 45 Faculty: 41

Vs.
Whos your daddy? Where does a cow eat? Who is your valentine this year?
Is a benign existence possible?

That reminds me, I should call Mother. I know this one. Earnst? Still working on it. Datamatch, anyone?

Daddy is! A calf-eteria! Justin Bieber!

Only for those who look beyond the cave wall.

The real question is: what does daddy even mean? Maybe you should be asking, Why does a cow eat?
You. No, not really. But what did that make you think about?

Jonathan Franzen. In a field?

Graham Gund. What the little girls said.

Raymond Chandler. Graham Gund. Not as Casablanca teaches us. Two No.

Hold on let me check my Quest notes. Zero

Hm. Well. Uh. Do you think it is?

Total Correct

Three

One

c ollegiate@kenyon.e d u

Heart Poured Out To Community Journal

By Roy McKluskin MIDDLE GROUND Trusting it as she would a caring and sympathetic friend, Nance Laughlin 14 poured her heart and soul out to the community journal at the Middle Ground cafe on Friday, sources report. Nance had been having a really hard week, and I guess she just needed someone to confide in. Someone who wouldnt judge her, or make fun of her weird hair, said friend Kyle Hemming 14. Laughlins entry included a small paragraph about her troubles, a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote, and a sketch of a girl with a teardrop running down her heavily shaded face. It was completed in a single winter afternoon. As of press time, Nance plans to take advantage of the scrapbooks silent, pulpy presence to help work through her feelings about getting pooped on by a bird outside of Caples.

Guy Tries To Appear Less Drunk As Tour Group Passes

By Boat Thorpe MIDDLE PATH Junior Alex Bratton 12 attempted to conceal his drunkenness last Wednesday morning when he saw a tour group approaching. I just, you know, wanted them to get a good impression of Kenyon, he said. I dont want the parents to think were just some party school. The tour group passed Bratton outside the library as he was making his way to the Village Market. It was approximately 11 a.m. Yeah, my roommate sent me out for Cheetos, he said. I was like, No, Im too wasted! and he was like, Dude, I always go, so I was just like, Whatever. When asked why he and his roommate, Kevin LaGrange 12, were drinking on a Wednesday morning, Bratton replied, It was kind of a rough day. I had an exam for my 8:10 that I completely bombed, and I came back and Kevin told me he got dumped, so we were like, Fuck it, were getting drunk. Their Leonard double was apparently fully stocked with Popov vodka, which the duo drank out of Writing at Kenyon coffee mugs.

From Greg, page 1.

broke up, like, two weeks ago. Im over it. For those closest to Swanson, though, the announcement is still troubling. Itll be a little weird going out without Greg, admitted longtime friend Harry Tyler 13. I hope hes all right. Guy deserves a break just as much as any of us, I guess, but sitting inside on a Friday isnt gonna cheer anybody up. Maybe Ill try to convince him later. Probably better to leave him be, though, he added.

Once they were thoroughly inebriated, LaGrange and Bratton became hungry, and Bratton left the room to find food. I mean, I was gone, said Bratton. Like, freshman-year-highlighter-party wasted. According to witnesses, Bratton was missing one shoe and singing Bad Romance in a British accent. He abruptly stopped singing when he saw the tour group. When I saw them I realized, Oh shit, I probably look like a drunk asshole, he said, so I kind of stood up straighter and tried to look awake until they

passed by. Bratton then nodded to the group, looked at his watch, and began to walk faster as if hurrying to an appointment. I guess I hoped theyd think I was just stressed out and sleep-deprived, like, from all my homework, he said. That guy? He totally looked drunk, said Marissa Earney, a highschool junior visiting from Denver, Colorado. I was like, dude, seriously? Its, like, 11. Earney did not know whether she would be applying to Kenyon.

Prospective students, judging us with their eyes.

Junior Visits Secret North Campus Girlfriend In Disguise

By Gunderson Threeply SOUTH CAMPUS Jeff Davis 12 excused himself from a gathering at senior Craig Lundes 11 Acland last weekend after receiving a text message. He said he had to take a monster piss, and left shortly thereafter. However, Lunde reported, Jeff never came back so far as I could tell, but the party was also raging pretty hard and I was pretty wasted, so I could have just missed him. Daviss girlfriend, Anna Gerudi 12, said, I didnt see him for the rest of the night. He told me that hed see me at my track meet tomorrow morning, but he didnt tell me where he was going or whether or not he was even coming back. Gerudi spent the rest of the night repelling the advances of Daviss roommate, Tim Sandwerth 12. I am not accountable for my actions while inebriated, and I will not apologize for things I may have said or done, said Sandwerth. Besides, what was I supposed to do? Jeff just up and bolts out of there after getting this text message, and gets really defensive when I ask if its from his girlfriend or something. Also Im pretty sure that he secretly listens to Sufjan Stevens or something. As far as Im concerned, Im doing Anna a favor. Jonah Fortinbras 13 saw Davis run into the woods near the Aclands and said, I tried to get his attention, shoot the shit, but when he came out he pretended he didnt know me. It was really weird. Ray emerged from the bushes dressed pretty much exactly like a lumberjack, according to Fortinbras. When called by name, Davis responded that Fortinbras must have mistaken him for someone else and gave his name as Elliot Clark, before excusing himself and heading up towards Caples. Clark proceeded to stop into Frank Dellas 11 fourth floor room for a quick jam session with his band, the Pan-Osakan Sans-Serif Globalization Fund. Della said, Elliots a really chill guy. Hes always down for a jam, and the dude knows his way around the Elephant Six. Hes pretty much my best friend. When asked for his opinions regarding Jeff Davis, Della responded, Dude, fuck that guy. Hes some douchey econ major in my anthropology class and

From Bitches, page 3.

hours every single day? Ted Hamels. That fucking laugh. And you know what else I dont miss? Office Hours. And you know whats awesome? Getting paid to take a year-long vacation. And having meals with the finest contemporary Greek novelists like Dionysios Solomos and Odysseas Elytis. And feeling really valued and alive. Im spilling galaktoboureko onto the keyboard as I type, and Im not gonna proofread, bitches, because Im at the center of the Mediterranean and the center of Western thought and the center of the fucking world. Take that, Kenyon! Take that, associate professors! Take that, Ted Hamels! Take it and like it, malakas! See you in August.

hes always making these really annoying comments. Its like he doesnt even care about the plight of the Yanomam. Christine Laye 13 was the last person to see Clark that night. He stopped by her suite with flowers and some weed it was super romantic, according to Layes suitemate Jenna Iser 13. We just smoked and talked, Laye told The Collegiate. About stuff, you know? Their conversation allegedly ranged from Kafkas views on social construction to what Clark was planning on playing on his radio show in the upcoming week. Its gonna be really lo-fi. I cant wait to hear it, she said. I was sad when Elliot told me he had to leave, but I understand that as a studio art major hes pretty busy all the time. When asked about the uncanny resemblance Clark bore to Jeff Davis, Laye scoffed and said, Dont be stupid. Theyre totally different. I mean, Elliot wears glasses.

t he kenyon collegiat e

Point/Counterpoint
By Peter Altman 11

Look, Its Just Comps, OK?

minutes later I had the audacity to think, Wow, not only did these students survive comps without putting a goddamn bullet straight through their fucking skulls, but some of them even have jobs, jobs they got because they passed a standardized test of their knowledge and thus deservedly received a degree. Yeah. I know. Im a freakin psychopath, huh?

Comps Is Destroying My Soul

By Carrie Karpilos 11

You know, I came to a really bizarre realization the other day while walking on Middle Path to my senior English seminar. I almost dont even want to tell you thats how batshit crazy it is but here it goes anyways: I think maybe, just maybe, comprehensive examinations are a completely valid and necessary assessment of the knowledge Ive acquired in college. I guess thats why this semester Ive decided to simply dig in, create a manageable work schedule and then complete my comps without bitching about it to every single person I encounter throughout my day. Totally fucking weird, right? I know, I know. Im freaking myself out. Here I am, having spent the past three and half years listening to each and every senior class do nothing but piss and moan about their comps only to realize, like some lunatic, that every student thats ever graduated from Kenyon has had to go through the very same thing. I mean, how self-righteous can I get, right? And on top of that, only a few

Ive decided to complete my comps without bitching about it. Weird, right?
Sure, Im going to try to finish my comps without spewing forth a constant stream of bullshit protest, but I know it wont be easy. I mean, I love to binge drink on a Friday night so hard that the entire weekend becomes a black hole of mindless gluttony and wasted time as much as the next guy, so you can imagine my surprise when this Saturday I actually went out, had a few social drinks and then went to bed at a reasonable hour. Its like, where the hell do I get off? Am I actually trying to function like a normal human being who hopes to acquire a degree from a prestigious college? Jesus Christ. The humanity. You know what? I better just stop before I really start talking crazy. Sure, now its only comps, but whats next? Am I going to just start ranting and raving about how swipe card access in the dorms is actually a completely reasonable solution to increasing campus safety? God, somebody just shut me the fuck up already.

Lets start from the beginning. I applied to Kenyon because of the creative writing here. I heard that I could learn something here. Get an education. Maybe even amount to something. I walked around here the past four years, happy as a clam. I took the required English classes, wrote the papers, and worked my ass off to get some decent grades. I entered my senior year with a sigh of relief. I had made it. Id done the work. Id finished what Id signed up for. To reiterate: when I signed up for college, I didnt know that I was enrolling in an institution that actually aims to SUCK ANY SEMBLANCE OF JOY OUT OF MY LIFE BY FORCING ME TO DO A LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE AMOUNT OF WORK UPON WHICH I WOULD INEVITABLY CHOKE AND DIE. I find out tonight that tomorrow, I have to turn in the written part of my comps. Oh, no big deal. Just the capstone of my Kenyon career. And if I fail, I will actually never ever be able to find success or happiness in any arena of my life. I wonder: did anyone care to remind me about

this? We had three meetings last semester and three or four emails reminding us when the deadline was. HELLOOOOOOOOO I DIDNT REMEMBER UNTIL YESTERDAY BECAUSE THE LAST EMAIL WAS LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO AND I HAD A FUCKLOAD OF SHIT GOING ON THEN. What did you have going on, you might ask. Oh, I dont know . . . my classes? Going to Peirce in the few moments that it is open? Recommitting to my health by getting some sleep and eating well and hanging out with my friends for the first time since Ive been at this place?! And now I have less than ten hours to write twenty poems that are supposed to function as the capstone of my education????????? Here are some fucking poems: Comps is a blowtorch fiercely licking its sharp tongue against my anus. Care for a prose poem? DOING MY COMPS FEELS LIKE SLOWLY PRESSING A RUSTY WINE OPENER INTO MY EYE SOCKET AND TURNING IT, TURNING IT, TURNING IT UNTIL IT HAS GRADUALLY FORCED A DIVOT INTO MY SKULL THAT BEGINS AS A BLEEDING HAIRLINE FRACTURE AND, WITH MORE AND MORE FORCE AGAINST THE HANDLE, CRACKS THE BONE, THE SHARDS OF WHICH EMBED THEMSELVES INTO MY BRAIN. How bout this haiku? After this, its not done. WE HAVE THE FUCKING EXAM. Hey, English comps! GET BENT.

Melting Snow Reveals Dark Secrets Somebody Please Help Me Get Up

By Satchmo Dirk Jerkins Warming temperatures and melting snow have recently uncovered an archaeological smorgasbord of discarded trinkets around campus, the nature of which unfortunately reflects on the student bodys hedonism and complete lack of morality. The receding levels of snow revealed the expected caches of cigarettes and beer bottles. However, local investigators have also discovered an assortment of shocking items that reflect poorly on Kenyons noble reputation, such as pornographic magazines, vintage Nazi memorabilia, and alarming amounts of weapons-grade uranium. Its a damn shame what you find after the first melt, said Sheriff Thompson during an exclusive interview. Sometimes I just wish that snow would never melt. Some things were never meant to be discovered, he added, tossing nude photos of President Nugent into a police incinerator. By Ben Gold

Hello . . . ? Can anybody hear me? Oh, man . . . I need help. Its me, Ben, Ben Gold. That chem major from Fblock. See, Ive really gotten myself into a bind, here. I left my New Apt for my 10:10 in Palme House and got most of the way to Professor Hardys

class on Paleolithic drinking culture when my backpack started to feel just a little too heavy. Listen, so, I turned around to go back home and shed some pack weight and thats when I hit a patch of ice. Oh, God. Oh, God, and now I cant go anywhere! Ive been walking for hours but I havent moved an inch. Ohhh . . . Ahhhhh! I almost went down again, just then. Its too slippery, too goddamn slippery. Needless to say, I watched my anth class take full, big strides to Palme and then walk out an hour later while I stood, on this patch, fearing the moment I would fall. OH! OH! OH! Here it

Continued on page 6.
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Creative Ideas For Your Valentines Day Swarm Of Bees Reclaims Wax Art Installation
Shuttle Cuddle
Are you a freshman? Dont have a car? The shuttle can be your gateway to romance! Decorate you seat with colorful crepe paper and don some festive earmuffs to stifle the rattling sound of the handicap ramp. Youll be at Fiesta before you can say, Te amo! your loved one in sweet, pungent velvety roses!
By Clams Casino and Sheridan Whiteside

Sex Ap-Peal

Hire the Pealers to serenade your sweetie from across campus. (Hot tip: make sure that you dont accept any food or drink the Pealers offer you, or youll be stuck in their bell tower forever!)

Deli Delight

If you decide to stay local, why not take your date to the deli? Possible romantic gestures include ordering her a specialty sandwich (only $15.75!) and bussing her dishes. And dont forget the good ol Gambier Grill. The smell of stale beer and cigarette butts will remind you of your first drunken hookup!

Burnin Love

Buy incense and candles and invite that CA youve been eyeing to a romantically lit dinner in Mather.

Keep The Fire Alive

Wood In The Woods

For something really creative, why not take him/her up into the woods behind the science quad for a sexy surprise? The tingling feeling youll get in your extremities in sub-zero temperatures is a little something we like to call passion.

Hit the fire alarm in Caples and enjoy the romantic solitude. To keep security from interrupting your good time, barricade the door with your desk. Watch as your classmates scatter out into the beautiful, snowy landscape. Single? Dont be afraid to treat yourself! Look up your exes on Facebook for some solo amusement. Post threatening comments, haze their new girlfriend, and drain a fifth of Popov. Dont have an ex? Go to NightCAPSs antiValentines Day poetry reading. Capture the bitterness in a bottle and unleash it upon your enemies later.

OLIN ART GALLERY According to gallery staff members, a massive swarm of bees descended upon the wax figurines in Kate Budds Talisman exhibit, reclaiming the product of years of labor. The wax is rightfully ours. It belongs to us. First the humans took our honey, then our homes, but they will never experience the satisfaction of taking our dignity, said Queen Beeatrice of the Hive. Have you ever seen bees flying with wax figurines out of vents? asked gallery manager Steve Brickman 12. The exhibit features small uncovered wax figures placed on a table. I tried to stop them, added Brickman, I tried. But there were too many of them. They were all over me. All at once. In every orifice, in my eyes, in my throat. They got away. They got away. Bees are insects, closely related to ants and wasps, and are the favorite

meal of Merops apiaster, or the beeeating bird. Bees can kill a full-grown man, said amateur bee expert Gene Townsend 13. Im not actually sure if thats true. Auribus tenere lupum, explained Queen Beeatrice. That wax wasnt even beeswax, explained wax expert Jeremiah Lowlin. It was a petroleum byproduct. I have no idea what those bees were thinking.

Lord Beeregard, who died in service to the queen.

From Help, page 5.

comes. No, Im still OK. No man is an island, until they are stuck on a frozen one for the better part of two hours. My knees are buckling under the strength it had taken just to stay standing. OH! Oh, no . . . this is it. Nope, still upright, thank God. Some moments I pray for vertigo so that Ill fall and maybe, just maybe, roll to solid ground. Other moments, I slap myself for thinking with such cowardice.

Roses, Bitch!

Your bookstore is now selling roses! Buy a million roses! Bury

Sophomore Pretty Sure Shes The Smartest One In Her Seminar

By Boat Thorpe TIMBERLAKE HOUSE After attending the first few weeks of Professor Anthony Fresnos IPHS seminar, sophomore Helen Knapp 13 came to the conclusion that she was the smartest student in the class. I was really nervous about the class, Knapp said; the course, IPHS 392: Odyssey of the Mind, explores understandings of human consciousness in science and literature from ancient Greece to the present. Its pretty heavy stuff, said Knapp, but, like, human consciousness? How cool is that? I couldnt not take it. Knapp expected that a class with such abstract subject matter would attract only the most serious students. Her illusions, however, were shattered on the first day. The professor had us go around and say our name, major, and why we wanted to take the course, Knapp recalled, And this one girl soc major, ugh was just like, Well, Ive always wondered about it. I was like, Seriously? Thats the best you can do? When asked what her response to the question was, Knapp replied, The problem of consciousness has plagued mankind for millennia, and I hope to participate in this age-old dialogue with the greatest minds in Western thought. You know. Something like that. students in her class were liberal-arts guppies. The Collegiate polled the other students in IPHS 392 and found that their GPAs were roughly equal to Knapps. Gary Mamprin 11, an IPHS concentrator and classmate of Knapps, described her as the sophomore, right? Yeah, she thinks shes the shit, but she cant exactly run with the big dogs. Fresno refused to reveal with of his IPHS 392 students he thought was the smartest. When asked about Knapp, he said, Well, shes certainly enthusiastic. He would not confirm or deny Mamprins claim that the class ignores her. The class is mostly seniors, he said, and as a sophomore I think she struggles somewhat. But she brings a, um, different perspective to the table. Knapp contends that her different perspective comes from actually doing the reading. And getting it. I guess I just understand difficult concepts better than most people.

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Its like, come on, graduate from tenth grade already.

As the class progressed, Knapp only became more convinced of her conclusion. Theyre just not operating on my level, she said of her classmates. I mean, this one guy didnt believe that gender was a social construct. Its like, come on, graduate from tenth grade already. Knapp went on to say that she had hoped a 300-level class would mean swimming with the big fish, but that the

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