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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.10

Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.10

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Published by: kenyon_collegiate on Dec 31, 2011
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By Clams Casino and Sheridan WhitesideGAMBIER — According to anony-mous sources, a group of money-tot-ing babies has booked reggae groupRebelution for Sendoff, Kenyon’sbiggest party of the year.“Gaa gaa, goo goo, ga gaa. Ooooh!Ooooh oooh!” remarked the babyrepresentative, concerning their pro-cess of selecting the band for Sendoff.“I think he’s trying to say that theydidn’t consult any students or campusmusic organizations when they cameto the decision to bring the least in-teresting or popular band in existenceto campus,” said Dean of AcademicAffairs Anne Dadino. “Of course, be-cause they have no concept of bud-geting, popular opinion, or currentmusical trends, it’s understandable.”As with such well-attended eventsas ginger bread decorating, a trip toMagic Mountain, and bingo, the tod-dlers convened to decide which musi-cal group to hire for Sendoff.“Arrrrrrrreeewoooo? Oooo?Aggga gggagg? Bluhgg,” explainedthe baby representative as a trickleof Gerber carrots dribbled down hisface.Rebelution is a reggae group thathails from the afuent suburb of IslaVista in Santa Barbara and are knownfor their songs “Suffering,” “R Way,”and a cover of Bob Marley’s “NaturalMystic.”Many students are pleased with thebabies’ selection. “It’s all about thestruggle,” said Thompson Prouty ’12of New Canaan, Connecticut. “Likewhen I go to Peirce at two on a Sat-urday hoping to grab a sandwich andit’s closed? The struggle. I relate.”The babies were able to snag theinnovative band thanks to their plen-tiful resources. According to sourcesclose to the porcine self-selectinginfants, “They’re very well-fed. In
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the kenyon collegiate 1
Rebelution Booked For Sendoff By Bewildered, Milk-Bloated Infants
By Barker D. FlugelhornGAMBIER — After six monthsof intensive shitpile-moving, con-struction workers nalized the com-pletion of several of the new NorthCampu s Apartments in a little overforty-eight hours this past Monday.“What people don’t realize,”said construction foreman VincentMalone, “is that the true challengeof building a residence is not theconstruction of the house itself,but rather answering the question,‘How can we move this big pile of shit over to combine with that bigpile of shit using as many tractorsas possible? How many tractors istoo many tractors for moving shitaround? Should we import moreshit to push, or is the shit we haveright now good enough?’ These arethe questions that keep us up atnight.”Construction on the new housingbegan at the beginning of the fallsemester, and was broken down intotwo distinct stages.Stage one, an intensive six-month process, consisted of pushingsmall piles of shit into each other tomake bigger piles of shit, some-times across distances as great asfty feet. Once these mega-shitpileswere formed, workers focused theirefforts on splitting the newly-madelarge piles of shit back into theirconstituent small piles of shit. Fromthere, the small shitpiles were at-tened, and the whole process startedall over again.“It was hard work, but I thinkthat we pushed that shit aroundlike nobody’s business,” said LarryBucknel, a unionized shit-pusherand Gambier native. “We must havepushed this shit around the wholeconstruction plot maybe 6000times. And our quota was 4000, sowe’re all very pleased.”Stage two of the construction iswhat the workers jokingly refer to as“child’s play.” It takes approximatelytwo days, and consists of everythingelse involved in building a residence,including laying the foundation; as-sembling the walls, ceilings, win-dows, doors, and general structure;and installing heating, electricity,
Continued on page 4.Continued on page 4.
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Guy In Bathroom StallTalking On Cell PhoneCornel West TeachesKenyon It’s Okay To Love
 Antigone 
Cast WeavesCommemorative Tapestry From Shaved BeardsPhling 2012 eme An-nounced: ‘Burger Blowout
Malone explains the construction process.The infants responsible for the decision.California reggae outt Rebelution.
Construction Workers Push Shit Around For 6 Months
 Ten Assemble North Campus Apartments In 2 Days
 
2
 
please recycle issue before or after reading 2
By Luther HoneybucketWhat’s that I hear? The chirpy-lur-py of the Spring Hornet? That mustmean it’s high time for Ol’ LutherHoneybucket to throw off his mudcap and moss blanket and quit his hi-bernatin’. Can’t hardly believe ’twerea full sack o’ fortnights ago I dippedmy noggin in the Kokosing til it gotso soggy I fell plum asleep. And aftera toe-grab o’ noontides jigging withmy dream-pals Opossum and Ammo-nium, my ribby-bones are a-peakin’and my gut-critter’s a-growlin’ forfeed! Now if you’re a-wonderin’ howto plumpify your belly-lump, shutthat toothy lice trap you call a lippyslit and ear up to these word-nuggets:1. When that hog-mama Neptune’sspoonin’ the breast-milk of the BigDipper, you know the Lady Skunksbe ripe for stewin’. But they ain’tgonna stew ’emselves! Best way toround ’em up is to make yerself assmelly as a chipmunk’s mating pile.Rub your ball pouch with coon dungand muskrat menses till it’s near tocrawlin’ right back up yer butt hole.You’ll have those lady skunk’s droo-lin’ so much they won’t know whathit them! It’ll be yer club!2. Once ye’ve got yourself a LadySkunk, resist your pecker pangs andskin them girls clean. Mix ’em in apot with slug sludge, daffodils and anostril’s worth of black mold. Stir itover a ame til yer eyes is covered ingray bogey-skin. Peel it off and mix itin! Mmmm, my spittle-collector’s go-ing haywire just jawing about it!3. Now that the fat crust is crack-ling, here comes the hardest part: kee-pin’ that gourd-humpin’ lamb-scoo-pin Bo Hunkiss and his kettle of catsfrom chomping yer vittles! The bestway to stop those thieving whisker-mugs is to bury yer stew undergroundfor a full year! When you pull it out, itwon’t be hot, but gosh burn it, it’ll besafe! Come to reckon of it, last year’sbatch is prime for excavatin’ now!Well, all this scribing’s making mea mite dizzy. I’s gonna go grab myshovel and eat til Easter! As my Mee-Maw used to say, “Bone a Teat!”
Honeybucket’s Guide To Fancy Feastin’
By Billy HughesBEMIS MUSIC ROOM — Studentsin the Indonesian Gamelan Ensemblearrived in Bemis Music Room on Fri-day to nd that their remaining gonghad been stolen.The group’s rst gong becamewell-known on campus after it wastaken during a midnight raid onPeirce Hall last October. CampusSafety and the music department con-ducted a rigorous investigation viasporadic e-mails, but they were ulti-mately unsuccessful.“Last time around we tried to guiltthe gong out of the burglar, but thistime we’re going all out,” reportedJames Herseth, a member of CampusSafety. “I can tell you, whoever theyare, they’re using some pretty sophis-ticated gong-acquisition technology.”According to Herseth, the thief hadno trouble entering the building.“We found a slew of unused equip-ment on the oor,” Herseth elabo-rated, “ropes, harnesses, night-visiongoggles, and a glass cutter. Of course,since this was a typical Kenyon build-ing, it turns out the thief was able tosimply walk into the room throughthe open door, open the unlockedcabinet, and abscond with the gong.”Security also conrmed that a notewas taped to the empty cabinet inscrawled handwriting, reading, “ME: Two Gongs. YOU: None.”“What kind of soulless creaturewould do something like this to us,not once but twice?” commentedProfessor of Music Jack Spray. “Idon’t understand how this could havehappened again. We tried everythingshort of consistently locking the doorafter they took the last gong.”Spray also received a cryptic letterfrom the assailant, taunting, “Neveragain will you hear the glorious ringof the gong. I am one step closer tocontrolling all the gongs in KnoxCounty. I laugh at you and your at-tempts to foil me.”“Everyone is on high alert rightnow,” said Herseth. “We’d talkedabout hanging one of those ‘do notenter’ ropes over the stairwell inPeirce last time this happened, and Ithink we’re going to have to go aheadand do that now. I can’t believe this iswhat it’s come to.”Herseth added that he had typed upan e-mail asking the thief to turn himor herself in, but he had yet to send it.By Dash RiprockPEIRCE HALL — AVI’s recent ad-dition of Greek-strain yogurt to thefruit bar menu has been met withunparalleled enthusiasm by a signif-icant portion of the student body. “Ican’t even believe it,” said JoannaGrouse ’13. “I mean, I was perfect-ly content with the regular yogurt.To think! What a child I was! I’dsooner cut off my left thumb thaneat that scurf now!”AVI staffers have noted a distincttrend amongst students eating thedish. “It’s pretty much all ladies,”reported employee Ray Huts. “Mytheory is it’s some kinda vitamindeciency thing. Like it’s good fortheir ovaries. Or glands. Usually it’sthe glands.”Emotions around the yogurt areahave been known to run high. “I’venever seen girls so crazy for any onefood,” said Huts. “It’s like magic.Someone’s gotta harness this pow-er. If the science department doesn’tget on this, you can bet I’m gonna.”Female students have been re-ported to stampede, shove, even riotwhen yogurt levels have gotten low.“I know it sounds crazy, but Ithink this yogurt actually makes mea better person,” said Grouse. “I’msmarter, prettier, and don’t even getme started on my digestive activity!It’s out of this world!”When asked to comment on thephenomenon, the entire male stu-dent body replied with confusion.
Gong Thief Strikes Again
Greek Yogurt Offered In Peirce
Girls Eat Lots Of Greek Yogurt
By Ichabod TownleyOLIN LIBRARY — Today at 1:00p.m., Arnold Climpt ’13 reportedthat he was prepared to “bust ass”to complete his “metric shit-ton of work.”Climpt proceeded to the thirdoor of the library, seeking outhis favorite study spot. The spot inquestion, according to Climpt, isone of Olin’s best-kept secrets.“Amid the hellish, oppressivelybeige labyrinth that is Olin Library,”Climpt said, “there is a hidden grot-to, a promised land of milk, honeyand multiple electrical outlets.”Climpt refused to disclose thelocation of his “secret garden,” butdescribed its two overstuffed arm-chairs, which can be pulled togetherto form a sort of personal enclosedchaise lounge. “Studying there re-minds me of my days in the womb,”said Climpt. “So tranquil.”However, Climpt’s dreams of studying in sublime comfort wereshattered as he approached the cov-eted corner and discovered that anunknown student had abandoned abackpack, several notebooks and alaptop in his favorite spot.“I was beyond outraged,” saidClimpt, shaking with impotent fury.“To think that someone had discov-ered the greatest study spot in thehistory of learning, and then hadthe nerve to leave their
crap
there?To deny another human soul itsscratchy embrace? I was ready totake a shit on that laptop right thenand there.”Climpt sat down at a nearby tableto observe the spot and wait for anopportunity to reclaim it.The mysterious occupant, lateridentified as Charlotte Grope ’12,appeared at 2:32 p.m. “She satdown with a cup of Peirce coffee,turned on her computer, checkedFacebook for fifteen minutes, gotup, left,
and didn’t take her shit with her
!” Climpt reported. “I wasin agony! But I’m not giving up.The encounter has only strength-ened my resolve. I have seen theface of the enemy, and it wearsglasses.”Grope recently returned to thespot to take a nap and could not bewoken up to comment.
‘That’s
My 
Fucking Spot!’ Claims Irate Sophomore
“Studying there re-minds me of my daysin the womb.”
 
By Gunderson Threeply ROSSE HALL — Last Wednesday,much of the student body crowdedinto Rosse Hall with the expressedintent of seeing Jonathan Franzenspeak about his ction-writing ex-periences. However, one student,with blatant disregard for all theposters around campus announcing“An Evening With Jonathan Fran-zen,” came to Rosse for a decidedlydifferent reason: to see nerd-rockicon Ben Folds.An excited Nanette Bergman ’14told
Collegiate
reporters last weekthat she was “super stoked that BenFolds was coming to campus.” Shesaid, “I just don’t understand whyhe’s coming to town under an as-sumed name, though — it was onthe posters, like James Franco orsomething. Whatever. I just hope heplays ‘Rockin’ the Suburbs’! ”Chelsea Hughes ’14, her room-mate, was one of the many peoplewho attempted to explain to Berg-man that Folds and Franzen werenot, in fact, the same person. “Ileft a copy of 
The Corrections
onher bed for literally, like, a week,”Hughes explained. “I pretty muchdid nothing but gush about howawesome
 Jonathan Franzen
wasfor days on end, just to see if she’dmake any sort of connection.”Lee Reynolds ’12 sat next toBergman at the event, and said,“She just wouldn’t shut up abouthow much she loved Ben Folds. Inally asked her why she thoughtit was so goddamn important that Iknow this fact over and over again,and she looked at me like I’d startedchanting Cantonese and spittingReichsmarks.”Bergman corroborated the story,stating, “this totally clueless guyasks me why I’m talking about BenFolds so much, and I’m like ‘Hel-
lo
,that’s who we’re here to see?’ andthen he’s all, ‘No, we’re here to seeJonston Frazetta or whatever,’ andI’m like ‘could you be any moreclueless?’ I mean, seriously!”As the night wore on, Bergman’sexcitement waned. “So Ben Foldsgets up to the podium, and he juststarts talking. And I gured thatmaybe this was just an introduction,like he’s going to talk about why hewrote ‘Brick’ or covered ‘BitchesAin’t Shit,’ but he doesn’t. He justtalks. For like an hour. About
books
.It was so boring!”During the Q&A session, Berg-man reportedly asked Franzen whyhe decided to do a non-musical tour,and during the signing she demand-ed that he sign her copy of 
Songs for Silverman
. Franzen attemptedto explain that he didn’t know whatshe was talking about, but Bergmanstormed off the stage before any ex-planation could be given.“Overall, it was probably theworst concert I’ve been to in a longtime,” Bergman said after the event.“But I should have known: thoseperforming types are always jerks,walking around with their heads uptheir asses without any regard fortheir fans.”By Charles MosserThis past weekend, Brave Potato Pro-ductions presented an exciting andentertaining evening of one-act playsin the Black Box Theater. The veplays were funny and maybe a littlesad in some parts. The performanceswere delightful and I am sure a fewpeople played their roles especiallywell, bringing real depth to their char-acters. At one point, an actor probablydid something that made the wholeaudience laugh. In a particularly ex-citing moment, an actor paused foremphasis, forcing the audience to re-ally pay attention, a phenomenon thatusually occurs at least once during aplay. I bet the directors made someinteresting choices, and despite someinevitable aws, I am fairly certainthe show was a success.Unfortunately, I was unable to at-tend the Brave Potato One-Act Fes-tival on either of the evenings it waspresented — on Friday, I got caughtup in a pretty heated Foosball game,and Saturday I was baking snicker-doodles in the Mather kitchen. Nev-ertheless, it is my duty as a journalistto provide the public with a critiqueof this show, so I will offer you myimpressions anyway.According to Wikipedia, “A one-act play is a play that has only oneact, as distinct from plays that occurover several acts.” In a play, actorspretending to be people that theyare not (“characters”) and say words(“lines”) to one another in front of an audience. These “lines” are writ-
collegiate@kenyon.edu 3
Brave Potato One-Acts Probably A Smashing Success
Continued on page 4.
Entertainment 
By Diesel Jackson In recognizing the heritage of ourcraft,
The Collegiate
continues its re-view of the historical pieces, perfor-mances, and particular
 je ne sais quoi
 that have left their mark on the canonof world comedy. In this installmentof our ongoing series, we reect backon the postmodern genius offered bythe posters for Kenyon’s stand-upcomedy group Two Drink Minimum.A popular debate in the world of comedy is a classic chicken-and-eggfeud involving TDM and postmod-ern comedy. Which came rst? Inour opinion, it doesn’t quite matter.To say that TDM has left its mark oncontemporary comedy is to say thatMoby Dick annoyed Ahab. Indeed,the largely obscure stand-up comedytroupe has been pushing the limitsof comedy ever since its conception,and the posters pinned up across Ken-yon’s campus advertising their showswere their rst way of reaching out.As comedy continues to becomemore irony and “meta”-centered,TDM’s posters can always be foundat the front lines. An elephant blow-ing water onto a woman. A yellow-n tuna. Belle from
 Beauty and the Beast 
. Three lamps of varying colors,shapes, and sizes (one unlit). A smil-ing African baby. Seemingly unre-lated and, indeed, un-funny picturestake root in your brain and, like a si-lent and slow-moving cancer, emergelater to infect your body with humor.That the pictures make no senseseems to strike you always at yourmost vulnerable, leaving you speech-less, though not un-convulsing withlaughter.“Literally, absurd,” says RobinWilliams of the posters. “A picture of a math exam with a circled F at thetop. Put me on a stage and I can workwith that for days!”“Inspired,” added Jackie Chan— high praise considering that crit-ics largely agree that TDM’s postershave now passed
Shanghai Noon
onthe list for the world’s funniest com-edy pieces.Chris Rock was not available forcomment at press time; however,sources report that when Rock passeda TDM poster taped to the front doorof a Brooklyn Starbucks he stopped,nodded, and rmly grabbed his crotchbefore moving on.
Despite Setbacks, Two Drink Minimum Posters A Success
An honest mistake.
Student Doesn’t Understand Why Ben Folds Won’t Stop Talking About Books
An actor probably didsomething that made thewhole audience laugh.“Put me on stage and I canwork with that for days!”
“Whatever. I justhope he plays ‘Rock-in’ the Suburbs’ ”!

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