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By Clams Casino and SheridanWhitesideHAYES HALL — Sources reportthat Professor of Mathematics Kev-in Cauldwell seemed surprisinglynonchalant on Thursday after Bel-phegor, one of the Seven Princes of Hell, appeared in his ofce.“Yeah, he just kind of showed uptoday,” said Cauldwell, as the De-mon of Lust spoke in tongues be-hind him and opened a portal to thenetherworld. “I mean, I’ve got a lotof proofs to look over, so I just lethim do what he wants, I guess. Notmy problem.”Belphegor is the leading demonof Sloth, Lust, and Vanity. Whensummoned, he has been known togrant riches, the power of discov-ery, and ingenious invention.“He keeps on transforminginto the various guises of ultimatetemptation,” said Cauldwell. “Orsomething like that. I haven’t reallylooked over there in a while.”However, not all professors wereas nonchalant as Cauldwell. “I waswalking by Kevin’s room to use thecopier,” said Associate Professor of Mathematics Marge Pascall, “andI popped my head in the door. In-side, I laid eyes on this monstrousdemon, and before I knew it, I hadbeen teleported to the third planewhere I witnessed my own death.”Witnesses reported seeing animpossibly large cloud of bats y-ing out of Cauldwell’s window andblotting out the light of the sun.“It’s funny, I got up to get luncharound noon and it looked like he just decided to take off,” Cauldwellsaid, describing Belphegor rippinghole in the fabric of space and timeand vanishing with the souls of Kenyon’s virgins.“Yeah, it was kind of weird Iguess,” said Cauldwell. “But I don’tknow, I kind of liked him. Some-thing about him, I don’t know, I justkind of liked the little guy.”
Professor Oddly Nonchalant About Appearance Of Belphegor In Office
Cauldwell and Belphegor, minding their own business.
“He keeps on transforming intothe various guises of ultimatetemptation,” said Cauldwell.
By Ming Shei HuarezBRANDI RECITAL HALL — Thedulcet melodies from the songbirdsof Colla Voce will soon be competingwith tones far less rened: the farts,burps, and hollerings of Blue CollarVoce, Kenyon’s newest all-male acapella comedy ensemble. Foundedby Robbie Hoagland ’13, Blue CollarVoce is “dedicated to performing tra-ditional arrangements of classic red-neck stand-up routines with a focuson hillbilly and hick humor.”“Well, that’s what we wrote on ourapplication to the Student ActivitiesCenter,” said Hoagland. “Actually, atour core, we’re just a bunch of guyswho appreciate the ner things in lifethat most of these academic wussestake for granted : cuttoffs, skeetshooting, Wal-Mart, and Bill Engvall.We’re living in Ohio, for crying outloud! This is our culture!”According to Hoagland, thegroup’s genesis was a happy coinci-dence. “I downed a couple of PBRs,went to the Colla Voce concert lastSunday, and just started rifng,” theNebraska native recalled. “I mean,‘How can I keep from singing?’ Sim-ple! Shut your pie-holes!”Pete Carpon ’12 overheard Hoa-gland’s heckling and encouraged hisloud-mouthed catcalls. “I said, ‘Youtell them, Hoagie!’ After all, womenshouldn’t be singing – they should bexing my dinner!” reported Carpon,who hails from Westchester, Con-necticut but claims his “blood runsAlabama red” and rejects his WASProots. “For the last time: my Carharttvest is not ironic, you lily-livered sis-sies!” he said.After both men were forcibly re-moved from the recital hall by cam-pus security, they decided to nd newoutlet for their brand of whiskey-fueled wit. As the students blew off steam by taking off their shirts andplaying a game of corn hole in theBexley parking lot, they discussed thecollege’s lack of respect for countrycomedy and its need for more a ca-pella groups. “Instead of raising hell,we thought we’d raise awareness of blue collar humor as an artform,”said Hoagland. Blue Collar Voce wasborn.In addition to Hoagland and Car-pon, the group’s members includeRussell “Rust Bucket” Otis ’13 andSteve Abelbaum ’14, famous on thefreshman quad for his dead-on Larrythe Cable Guy impression. “I heardSteve cry out ‘Git-R-Done!’ in Gundduring nals. That rough screech hashaunted me ever since. I knew weneeded his voice to achieve the righttonal texture,” said Hoagland. “AndRust Bucket is from Tennessee, so heputs that true Southern twang in oursound,” added Carpon. “We’re allabout authenticity. It’s our mission tobring boorish, lowbrow one-liners tothis high-fallutin’ campus.”Blue Collar Voce’s rst concertwill feature a composition consistingof 33 “You Might Be a Redneck If…”variations, originally by Jeff Foxwor-thy but arranged by Hoagland, aswell as a tribute to Ron “Tater Salad”White and a burped rendition of “Ko-kosing Farewell,” soloed by Carpon.The group will also be selling “I’mWith Stupid” t-shirts and “I Go TuhKinyin Collidge” beer coozies toraise funds for their summer tourof the former Confederate States of America.
Colla Voce Concert Converts Cretins
“I heard Steve cry out ‘Git-R-Done’ during nals. That roughscreech has haunted me since.”
By Rev. Sinclaire BeatesKENYON REVIEW WRITERS’HOUSE — Upon attending thedance show
Room By Room
thispast weekend, I was both shockedand dismayed by the utter disregardfor the laws of dance, performance,and human conduct that was flaunt-ed in the piece.I arrived at the site of the “dance”expecting what anyone else would— a windowless cement theatrewith a proscenium stage and hope-fully seats with little gold numberplates. What I was met with insteadwas a house. That people live in.First strike, “dance” show. I wasstill willing to be won over, in spiteof the crew’s apparent inabilityto find a real venue. Just imaginewhat I had in store.The space wasn’t even convertedinto anything resembling a theatre.The audience was led through thehouse, one room at a time, andwas seated sometimes mere inchesaway from the performers, who“danced” on stairs, under a piano,and both under and on top of tables.Tables! The kind people eat off of!The gall!The brazenness of the “dance”show didn’t stop there. Most of thepieces didn’t even have music. Onehad dialogue. Like a play. How onearth am I to be expected to keeptrack of two media at once?! Blur-ring the lines of theatricality? Dev-il’s play, I call it!Where were the dance showtropes I’m accustomed to? No pre-recorded music, no bizarrely uni-form spandex costumes, not evena single piece that was blatantlyabout body image! What was leftto make me feel safe, I ask you,“Room By Room”? If I wanted tosee the despairs and elations of everyday life portrayed by ener-getic, lithe young dancers in joy-ous and seemingly spontaneousbody movement I would… well,I wouldn’t do anything because Iwould never ever want to see any-thing like that, ever. The very no-tion makes me feel ill.
Dance Review:You Can’t DanceIn A Kitchen
Most of the pieces didn’teven have music. One haddialogue. Like a play!