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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.14

Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.14

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Published by kenyon_collegiate
Philander’s Most sPlendiferous source of news and GossiP.

Vol. 3, issue 14

aPril 27, 2011

S. Georgia Nugent Pays Surprise Visit To Campus
By Dash Riprock GAMBIER — Kenyon College President S. Georgia Nugent was met with awe and fanfare Tuesday when she arrived in Gambier for a surprise visit on the back of a mystical flying horse. Nugent, who rarely appears on campus due to a busy travelling schedule, descended onto a bustling Ransom Lawn shortly after 1p.m. “I was already astonished to see t
Philander’s Most sPlendiferous source of news and GossiP.

Vol. 3, issue 14

aPril 27, 2011

S. Georgia Nugent Pays Surprise Visit To Campus
By Dash Riprock GAMBIER — Kenyon College President S. Georgia Nugent was met with awe and fanfare Tuesday when she arrived in Gambier for a surprise visit on the back of a mystical flying horse. Nugent, who rarely appears on campus due to a busy travelling schedule, descended onto a bustling Ransom Lawn shortly after 1p.m. “I was already astonished to see t

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Published by: kenyon_collegiate on Dec 31, 2011
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hilander 
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the kenyon collegiate 1
By Roy McKluskin’SUNSET COTTAGE — Studentsin Professor John Stark’s 300-levelEnglish seminar, Despair In The Brit-ish Novel, agreed that they reached aninappropriate level of familiarity lastWednesday. The seminar, which beganwith a rigorously structured discussionof Charles Dickens’s
Great Expecta-tions
, ended in lackadaisical babblingand a shared sense of ennui.“It all started when Jack [Lawson’12] made a sarcastic comment aboutPip totally being Estella’s bitch,” saidto Lane Erica ’12. “Everyone laughed,even Professor Stark. And we couldn’tstop for like ve minutes.” She added,“It wasn’t even that funny.”Maya Ellington ’13 then told apersonal anecdote about how the pas-sage the students were close-readingreminded her of a camping trip toYellowstone National Park she tookwith her parents. Others joined inwith their own stories, resulting in atangent that lasted for twenty minuteswithout anyone bringing up the pos-sibility of getting back on track.By the time Stark saw that the classwas careening out of control, he knewthe situation was out of his hands. “Ididn’t realize what was happening,”Stark said, “until several people hadtheir shirts off and someone waslighting up a cigarette.” The professornoted that he had “no idea how he letthings go so far” and has been avoid-ing his ofce for fear of confrontingthe students to whom he revealed somany details about his personal life.“Honestly, I barely remember thelast half hour [of the seminar],” re-ported Oscar Alba ’12. “It was likesome kind of acid trip. All I know isthat I got back to my room and myroommate told me my eyes were allred and bulging. So I’m assuming weeither laughed or cried, or both. Pos-sibly we held each other.”The class will attempt to recon-vene this Wednesday if those enrolledcan overcome their burning sense of shame and stay on task.
S. Georgia Nugent Pays Surprise Visit To Campus
By Dash RiprockGAMBIER — Kenyon College Presi-dent S. Georgia Nugent was met withawe and fanfare Tuesday when shearrived in Gambier for a surprise visiton the back of a mystical ying horse.Nugent, who rarely appears on campusdue to a busy travelling schedule, de-scended onto a bustling Ransom Lawnshortly after 1p.m.“I was already astonished to see theNuge on campus at all,” reported ClydeFossil ’11, “but when I saw her ride inon Pegasus, I knew something was re-ally up.”Nugent, resplendent atop her steed,proceeded to greet onlookers with lau-datory salutations such as “Felicita-tions, precious students, yon saplings of our mighty future!” and “God’s greet-ings upon ye, blushing children of theKokosing!”After a sizable crowd of onlook-ers had gathered, Nugent reportedlygrew quiet and adoped a wide, mirthfulgrin. She then began dispensing smallwrapped packages taken from a largered sack slung over her shoulder.“It was like Christmas,” reportedArthur Wriggs ’12, “only, instead of anXbox, I got an internship at Google!”Other students reportedly receivedgraduate school acceptance letters,Fulbright scholarships, merit list induc-tions, and one actual Xbox.“I got an Easy-Bake Oven,” saidClaire Morgan ’14. “I didn’t think theymade those anymore! How could shehave known?”In addition to Nugent’s generousgifts, students said, the college’s rstfemale president also offered a personaltouch to those who needed it. “I washaving a really bad day,” said Fossil,
End Of Seminar Gets Way Too Casual
By Sheridan WhitesideSTORER HALL — The residents of McBride Hall were stunned to learnthat Kevin Jenkins ’14 had attendedhis bass guitar lesson Thursday with-out having practiced beforehand.“I have a real gift for deception,”said Jenkins, a level-one bass student.“I ask lots of questions about chordsand scales, which usually stalls for atleast 20 minutes. The rest is pure im-prov, heat-of-the-moment stuff.”Jenkins’s friends and hallmates,who slave for hours each week tomaster simple scales and famous chil-dren’s songs, admitted to harboringrueful admiration for Jenkin’s devil-may-care lifestyle.“Sometimes I give him a hardtime, but I think I’m just jealous,”said Sarah Norris ’14. “It takes awhole lot of balls to go in there andbullshit an entire lesson. He’s reallyriding the razor’s edge.”“My son is just like Paul McCart-ney,” said Barb Jenkins of Fort Wayne,Indiana. “He always has to hang up thephone because he’s so hard at workpracticing. But I know these lessons are$400 well spent — someday I’m goingto see him on Jay Leno!”Jenkins says that he uses the timethat he would have spent practicingto work on other projects, such as notdoing the reading, not studying forthe exam, and not writing the paper.“Sometimes I wonder about Kev-in,” said Matt Paetsch, Jenkins’ bassinstructor. “I mean, the guy can’t play‘Smoke on the Water’ and sometimeshe smells like aioli. But he seems re-ally curious about music — alwaysready with a question or somethinghe’d like to get better at — so I’mpretty sure he’s putting in the hours.“Yep,” Paetsch added. “I thinkhe’ll go far.”
Continued on page 4.
Badass Didn’t Practice For Music Lesson
I
nsIde
T
hIs
I
ssue
Forgotten AcquaintanceMistaken For ProspiePressed Cubano Sandwich Just Wants To Sing Platonic Friend Defnitely Wasn’t Trying To Make Out Underachiever Finally Smoking At College Level
Nugent arrives on campus, resplendent atop her steed.
“It takes a whole lot of balls to go inthere and bullshit an entire lesson.He’s really riding the razor’s edge.”
 
2
 
please recycle issue before or after reading 2
By Clams Casino and SheridanWhitesideHAYES HALL — Sources reportthat Professor of Mathematics Kev-in Cauldwell seemed surprisinglynonchalant on Thursday after Bel-phegor, one of the Seven Princes of Hell, appeared in his ofce.“Yeah, he just kind of showed uptoday,” said Cauldwell, as the De-mon of Lust spoke in tongues be-hind him and opened a portal to thenetherworld. “I mean, I’ve got a lotof proofs to look over, so I just lethim do what he wants, I guess. Notmy problem.”Belphegor is the leading demonof Sloth, Lust, and Vanity. Whensummoned, he has been known togrant riches, the power of discov-ery, and ingenious invention.“He keeps on transforminginto the various guises of ultimatetemptation,” said Cauldwell. “Orsomething like that. I haven’t reallylooked over there in a while.”However, not all professors wereas nonchalant as Cauldwell. “I waswalking by Kevin’s room to use thecopier,” said Associate Professor of Mathematics Marge Pascall, “andI popped my head in the door. In-side, I laid eyes on this monstrousdemon, and before I knew it, I hadbeen teleported to the third planewhere I witnessed my own death.”Witnesses reported seeing animpossibly large cloud of bats y-ing out of Cauldwell’s window andblotting out the light of the sun.“It’s funny, I got up to get luncharound noon and it looked like he just decided to take off,” Cauldwellsaid, describing Belphegor rippinghole in the fabric of space and timeand vanishing with the souls of Kenyon’s virgins.“Yeah, it was kind of weird Iguess,” said Cauldwell. “But I don’tknow, I kind of liked him. Some-thing about him, I don’t know, I justkind of liked the little guy.”
Professor Oddly Nonchalant About Appearance Of Belphegor In Office
Cauldwell and Belphegor, minding their own business.
“He keeps on transforming intothe various guises of ultimatetemptation,” said Cauldwell.
By Ming Shei HuarezBRANDI RECITAL HALL — Thedulcet melodies from the songbirdsof Colla Voce will soon be competingwith tones far less rened: the farts,burps, and hollerings of Blue CollarVoce, Kenyon’s newest all-male acapella comedy ensemble. Foundedby Robbie Hoagland ’13, Blue CollarVoce is “dedicated to performing tra-ditional arrangements of classic red-neck stand-up routines with a focuson hillbilly and hick humor.”“Well, that’s what we wrote on ourapplication to the Student ActivitiesCenter,” said Hoagland. “Actually, atour core, we’re just a bunch of guyswho appreciate the ner things in lifethat most of these academic wussestake for granted : cuttoffs, skeetshooting, Wal-Mart, and Bill Engvall.We’re living in Ohio, for crying outloud! This is our culture!”According to Hoagland, thegroup’s genesis was a happy coinci-dence. “I downed a couple of PBRs,went to the Colla Voce concert lastSunday, and just started rifng,” theNebraska native recalled. “I mean,‘How can I keep from singing?’ Sim-ple! Shut your pie-holes!”Pete Carpon ’12 overheard Hoa-gland’s heckling and encouraged hisloud-mouthed catcalls. “I said, ‘Youtell them, Hoagie!’ After all, womenshouldn’t be singing – they should bexing my dinner!” reported Carpon,who hails from Westchester, Con-necticut but claims his “blood runsAlabama red” and rejects his WASProots. “For the last time: my Carharttvest is not ironic, you lily-livered sis-sies!” he said.After both men were forcibly re-moved from the recital hall by cam-pus security, they decided to nd newoutlet for their brand of whiskey-fueled wit. As the students blew off steam by taking off their shirts andplaying a game of corn hole in theBexley parking lot, they discussed thecollege’s lack of respect for countrycomedy and its need for more a ca-pella groups. “Instead of raising hell,we thought we’d raise awareness of blue collar humor as an artform,”said Hoagland. Blue Collar Voce wasborn.In addition to Hoagland and Car-pon, the group’s members includeRussell “Rust Bucket” Otis ’13 andSteve Abelbaum ’14, famous on thefreshman quad for his dead-on Larrythe Cable Guy impression. “I heardSteve cry out ‘Git-R-Done!’ in Gundduring nals. That rough screech hashaunted me ever since. I knew weneeded his voice to achieve the righttonal texture,” said Hoagland. “AndRust Bucket is from Tennessee, so heputs that true Southern twang in oursound,” added Carpon. “We’re allabout authenticity. It’s our mission tobring boorish, lowbrow one-liners tothis high-fallutin’ campus.”Blue Collar Voce’s rst concertwill feature a composition consistingof 33 “You Might Be a Redneck If…”variations, originally by Jeff Foxwor-thy but arranged by Hoagland, aswell as a tribute to Ron “Tater Salad”White and a burped rendition of “Ko-kosing Farewell,” soloed by Carpon.The group will also be selling “I’mWith Stupid” t-shirts and “I Go TuhKinyin Collidge” beer coozies toraise funds for their summer tourof the former Confederate States of America.
Colla Voce Concert Converts Cretins
“I heard Steve cry out ‘Git-R-Done’ during nals. That roughscreech has haunted me since.”
By Rev. Sinclaire BeatesKENYON REVIEW WRITERS’HOUSE — Upon attending thedance show
 Room By Room
thispast weekend, I was both shockedand dismayed by the utter disregardfor the laws of dance, performance,and human conduct that was flaunt-ed in the piece.I arrived at the site of the “dance”expecting what anyone else would— a windowless cement theatrewith a proscenium stage and hope-fully seats with little gold numberplates. What I was met with insteadwas a house. That people live in.First strike, “dance” show. I wasstill willing to be won over, in spiteof the crew’s apparent inabilityto find a real venue. Just imaginewhat I had in store.The space wasn’t even convertedinto anything resembling a theatre.The audience was led through thehouse, one room at a time, andwas seated sometimes mere inchesaway from the performers, who“danced” on stairs, under a piano,and both under and on top of tables.Tables! The kind people eat off of!The gall!The brazenness of the “dance”show didn’t stop there. Most of thepieces didn’t even have music. Onehad dialogue. Like a play. How onearth am I to be expected to keeptrack of two media at once?! Blur-ring the lines of theatricality? Dev-il’s play, I call it!Where were the dance showtropes I’m accustomed to? No pre-recorded music, no bizarrely uni-form spandex costumes, not evena single piece that was blatantlyabout body image! What was leftto make me feel safe, I ask you,“Room By Room”? If I wanted tosee the despairs and elations of everyday life portrayed by ener-getic, lithe young dancers in joy-ous and seemingly spontaneousbody movement I would… well,I wouldn’t do anything because Iwould never ever want to see any-thing like that, ever. The very no-tion makes me feel ill.
Dance Review:You Can’t DanceIn A Kitchen
Most of the pieces didn’teven have music. One haddialogue. Like a play!
 
By A Freshman Covered In BeesHey man, I don’t get what all the fussis about with this so-called “hazing”stuff. It’s no big deal at all. They tryand make it out like everyone is be-ing tortured, but the ones who say thatare probably just too pansy to actuallygo through with the pledging process.They have the completely wrong ideaabout the whole point of pledging afrat.What’s going on is bonding andthe creation of brotherhood. I’m justtrying to bond with my frat brothers,and if that means dousing myself inthe pheromones of the Africanizedhoney bee and covering my nakedbody with thousands of their swarm-ing masses, then so be it.The whole point of Hell Week isgoing through trying experiences to-gether and growing closer because of it, and what better way to do that thanbeing subjected to the searing stingsof 
 Apis mellifera scutellata
? Theseampiformal suits have become ourdress for the week and we wear themwith pride.But don’t think pledging’s allabout just fun and bees, it’s aboutlearning respect too. Through the pro-cess of being enveloped in these hive-minded stinging machines we havelearned to respect the elder brothersof our fraternity.“Oh my god! That sounds terrible!”a weaker person might say. But whenthey slip you the horse tranquilizersand amphetamines, you really can’tfeel the barbed stingers penetratingyour esh. When you think about allthe ragers you’re going to celebratetogether, the whole thing is worth it.I’ll admit, though, there have beensome low points to this whole HellWeek process that have made mademe question my choice to pledge.On Tuesday night we all had to craminto the basement of Old Kenyon and
collegiate@kenyon.edu 3
Opinion 
By Melinda LakeWhat?No, seriously, what are you look-ing at? Are you scandalized becauseI’m emerging from a guy’s room ona Sunday morning in a wrinkled partydress? Or are you shocked that I’mnot 100% sure if this is Mather orMcBride?Yeah, I blacked out. You knowwhat? I’m proud of it. Because what Ican remember of last night was awe-some. I’m pretty sure I played vod-ka pong with my French AT on theroof of Gund Commons. And I won.What’d you do? Study?I might need a shower, but youneed a change of attitude. Yeah, myhair smells like beer and cigarettes.Drink it in, bitch. That’s the smell of party. Try it sometime.God, you must be feeling so smug.“Oh, that poor girl,” you’re thinking,“I bet she’ll never get her giganticpaper for British Modernism done.”Well, guess what? I will. I’ve alreadymade an outline. So you can take yoursuperior attitude and shove it up yourass. If it’ll t, considering you’ve ob-viously got a huge stick up there too.Glare all you want. I know you’re just jealous. It’s only 10:30, whichmeans I’m totally going to get toPeirce before the omelette line closes,which means not only did my nightkick ass, but so will my morning. I’mon a roll. This is probably how youfelt when you heard they were mak-ing a
Firey
movie. (Yeah, I knowabout
Firey
. I’m deep.)So run along to your play rehearsalor your meeting of the Stuck-UpBitches Club or whatever you do forfun. I’m going to continue being awe-some. I might even go out tonight.You know why? Because fuck it,that’s why. “Oh my stars, she’ll missher 9:10 sociology class!” Wrongagain. I’ll be there, refreshed andready to learn. I’m just badass likethat.You know what? Since you gave
I Am Totally Using Your Shampoo, Bitch
Yeah, I blacked out. Youknow what? I’m proud of it . . . What’d you do? Study?These ampiformal suits havebecome our dress for the week and we wear them with pride.
Hazing Is Totally Not An Issue
STUDENTS
Andy Johannson ’13Hannah Santa Anna ’14Prissy Doodle ’14
 Totals so far:Students: 52Faculty: 55
Vs.
FACULTY
William MelickProfessor of EconomicsSonja SchwakeProf. of Anthropology
Who was our twenty-ninth president?
Aheheh. Sorry. I’m not reallya history guy. Drama major!
Warren GamalielHarding!
Harding. See? Canada
is
 paying attention.
Adam Smith.
 Harding.What kind of phonedoes a turtle have?
Don’t even get me startedwith biology.
 Not 
my thing.
A shell-ular phone!
Oh, some kind of littlebeastie phone.
 Beasties
!
What do people havenow, car phones?
What the littlegirls said.What are your plans for this summer?
Hmm. Okay, I just had this. Ireally did. Wait.
Stay best friendsforever.
Finally build my scalemodel of Edmonton.Maximize everything.
 Reect and grow. Is it nobler to suffer,or to die?
Hamlet! I know this one! It’sfrom Hamlet! Yes!
Yes
!
‘Tis noblest indeed to liethee down with dignity.
To suffer, I guess.Aww. Sad. Cry.
Well, that depends. Is therea Kohl’s in heaven?
To have neverbeen born.Total Correct 
OneTwoTwoOne
Continued on page 4.Continued on page 4.

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