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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 4.4

Kenyon Collegiate Issue 4.4

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09/27/2013

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by Pumpy Calico PEIRCE LAWN — Students partici-pating in the Occupy Gambier move-ment have recently occupied PeirceLawn, protesting businesses’ inuencein government and a perceived lackof corporate responsibility. The peace-ful gathering of disgruntled students,however, has not produced the desiredresult in the Gambier community.“I saw them all sitting on the lawn,and it was such a beautiful day, and Iwas just like, ‘I can’t wait to be in col-lege,’” prospective student Fritz Flea-land said. “It just seems like when youhave the time to hang out outside withyour friends on a sunny day, your trou-bles can’t be that bad.”Junior Saul Flaherty, leader of theOccupy Gambier movement, said, “It’spretty annoying. We want to occupyGambier, make [Slavoj] Žižek proud,but the only large, open spaces avail-able are lawns, cornelds, or concerthalls. Every time we occupy those,people think we’re just hanging out orwaiting for a show.”When Flaherty led the movement toOccupy South Quad, Admissions Of-cer Ruth Singe hired a small groupof students to wear beanies, toss Fris-bees around, and play guitars. She thenbrought in a photographer to documentthe scene for brochures. “I wanted tocapture the community just gatheringorganically, showing how much theylove being at a place as beautiful as Ke-nyon,” Singe said.The movement’s next tactic, Oc-cupy Middle Path in a Single-File Line,was taken by many to be a parade. Lo-cal schoolchildren from Wiggin StreetElementary soon arrived to join in onthe fun.“We’re just trying to make a differ-ence,” Flaherty said sadly as his Oc-cupy McBride Common Room protestturned into a Glee-watching party, “butno one’s taking us seriously. Pretty soonwe’re going to have to resort to some-thing drastic, like Occupy The CookieLine In Perice. And that’s just cruel.”
Students Occupy Gambier; Admissions Takes Photos
By Ambrosia SweetwaterROSSE HALL — Kenyon studentsand faculty were outraged by authorJack Stanzon’s conduct at a recep-tion commemorating his recentlypublished work, Autonomy lastWednesday. The meet-and-greettook place after Stanzon read ex-cerpts from his work to a packedauditorium in Rosse Hall. Accord-ing to those in attendance, Stanzonspent most of the evening shufingaround the complimentary horsd’oeuvres table, containing cheeseplates, sweets, and tiny sandwiches,all the while avoiding conversationand eye contact with everyone.“I tried to tell him how much hisbook changed my perspective oncompassion and life in general, butwhen he saw me walking over, hequickly shoved a handful of crack-ers and ve slices of brie in hismouth,” Professor of English JanetPlume said. “I can’t exactly talkto someone about literature whenthey’re in the midst of chewing, letalone cleaning out the cracker sup-ply.”
Guest Author Hovers Around FoodTable At Reception, Avoids Everyone
By Ricardo CarriganoLENTZ HOUSE — Troubled bythe lack of meaningful discussionin “Ships, Slaves, and Shit: TheMiddle Passage,” Professor of Eng-lish Marshall Legot, a fellow of thenewly opened Center for InnovativePedagogy (CIP), has begun to putsome of the center’s techniques intopractice.Last Monday, he started class byasking his students to put their pen-cils down, place their heads on theirnotebooks, and each put a thumb inthe air. He then “walked around theclassroom a few times, stopping andreversing direction every ve or sosteps,” said Henry Harbaugh ’15,who was present for Legot’s dem-onstration of the exciting new tech-niques. He then asked whoever hadhis or her thumb touched to standup. Six members of the class fol-lowed the directive. “Then he askedwhy we thought Walcott enjambeda particular set of lines in
SchoonerFlight 
,” relayed participating stu-dent Gertrude Sambino ’14. “It waskind of weird, but super fun.”Following this dynamic exercise,however, the class began to settle
Sexy Calculus ProfessorSensuously Writes Out Equation
Professor Uses Innovative PedagogyTo Coax Class From Silent Stupor
Kokosingers Fail ToMatch Pure Harmony of Trickling Stream Virgin Mocked By Un-opened Bag Of Beer And Sex Condoms
“When he saw me walkingover, he quickly shoved ahandful of crackers and veslices of brie in his mouth.”“It was kind of weird, butsuper fun.”
A very picturesque protest.
 
By Button GwennitPEIRCE — Last Thursday, Ryan Santoni’13 reportedly carried three full glasses of Powerade on his tray from the Peirce serveryinto the Great Hall. Santoni arrived in PeirceHall after a rigorous football practice at theKenyon Athletic Center and joined his fel-low teammates and several members of theBeta fraternity for dinner.When asked about his beverage choice,Santoni blushed and replied, “Yeah, well,I’m really dehydrated. Powerade has a lotof electrolytes.” Many Kenyon athletes feelthe need to replenish fluids after practicingand feel grateful for the options available inthe servery. Described by one friend as “justa thirsty dude, I guess,” Santoni has been amember of the Betas and the football teamsince his freshman year. “I feel bad taking allthese cups, but I really am quite parched,”says Santoni.Not all Kenyon students see Santoni’sactions as so blameless. Upon watchingSantoni disappear into the Great Hall withhis meal, Sarah Trufern ’14 scoffed and re-marked, “Do those jocks seriously need like10 drinks?” Trufern, an English major and“strictly Upper Dempsey kind of girl” sawSantoni while waiting in line with a mason jar at the coffee station. “That guy is so self-ish. Walking in with his gigantic tray, platefull of chicken fingers. Ugh.”Santoni replied, “Chicken fingers arekind of my favorite, I guess. They remindme of home when my mom used to makethem.”Santoni claims he often feels “uncom-fortable” in the servery because of the pres-sure surrounding Kenyon’s eating culture.“It’s kind of embarrassing to walk aroundwith all these drinks, but I’m really just verydehydrated.”
2
 
please recycle issue before or after reading 2
By Gunderson Threeply ASCENSION — Last week, whilegrading the midterms for his “Think-ing Laterally In A Vertical World”class, philosophy professor TrevorRosenstock made a startling discov-ery, sources within the departmentreport.“I had a kid use the word ‘zeitgeist’incorrectly in his paper,” Rosenstockwas overheard telling another profes-sor in the break room. “I mean, andif that was it, that would be ne. ButI had another kid use the phrase quidpro quo, which didn’t make sense inthe context. I think she was thinkingof the phrase QED, but that didn’treally t the context either. I’m nottrying to nitpick. I’m just really con-cerned. I had one kid write the sen-tence, ‘Thus the telos of our commer-cially-saturated life, with its myriadof pratfalls and pogroms, is elucidat-ed by our tantric devoir to Wall Streetand its inscrutable jackbooted thugs,’and I honestly can’t make heads ortails of that.”When confronted about his state-ments, he explained, “Look, you’rethey’re? all smart kids. You showme that every day in class. I’m justconcerned that if we don’t encourageour students to think about what theysay and how they say it, we’ll createa generation of pseudo-intellectualgoons who are more interested insounding smart than actually beingsmart.”Collectively, the students of theclasses of ’12, ’13, ’14, and ’15 haveissued a statement saying they would“much rather that [Professor] Rosen-stock refer to us as ‘graduate stu-dents,’ thank you very much.”
Incorrect Use Of ‘Zeitgeist’ In Paper Really TellingAbout Zeitgeist Of Current Student Population
By Pumpy Calico LEONARD HALL — Gil Strahm ’12has declared himself a “born-againfreshman,” sources report. The seniorpolitical science major’s personal-ity and actions have both allegedlychanged drastically as a result of thisconversion.“I’d really lost my way,” Strahmtold The Collegiate. “I’d lost sight of what college is all about. But then Isaw some freshmen drunkenly totter-ing towards Pink House on a Wednes-day night, and the path of righteous-ness was made clear to me.”Strahm said that he “took the les-son of these freshman to heart” andexperienced a “spiritual rebirth.”Since then, he has dropped his ad-vanced political science seminars andre-enrolled exclusively in 100-levelclasses, despite his advisor’s proteststhat with this schedule he will nothave the credits to graduate. Strahmhas also been frequently spotted recit-ing poetry at open mic events and try-ing out for various a capella groups.“I saw him in the Mather circlethe other day with a campus map,”said Rachel Birch ’12. “He said he’dheard there was beer in New Apts,but that he couldn’t nd them. WhenI reminded him that he was 21 andcompletely capable of buying beer forhimself, he just made this weird high-pitched laugh and ran away towardsBexleys, yelling, ‘I found them.’”According to his roommate, Hen-ry Mehrn ’12, Strahm has also beencalling home every day. “He says he’shomesick,” Mehrn reported, “and thatit’s really hard for him being awayfrom home for the rst time. Whichis weird, since I’m pretty sure he wasabroad in Shanghai last semester.”Strahm has also allegedly beendistant and cold towards his friends,electing only to hang out with peoplewho live on his hall in Leonard.“We’ve just gotten really close re-ally fast,” Strahm said, referring to ahall primarily composed of membersof a fraternity that he does not belongto. He added, “Second oor forever!”Strahm’s girlfriend, psychologymajor Trina Werner ’13, thinks thatStrahm’s conversion might be a com-plex delusion created in response toanxiety about graduation. “He didn’tget that DC internship he was reallyhoping for,” Werner said, “and he’snot sure about his plans for next year.He seems to be regressing to the in-fantile stages of freshmanhood ratherthan confronting the real-word prob-lems that come with emotional matu-rity.”When asked if this could be true,Strahm requested to be left alone be-cause he had a “two-page responsepaper” due for his art history surveyclass tomorrow and it was “reallystressing him out.”
“Author,” from page 1.
Senior Declares Himself Born-Again Freshman
Santoni drinks this many avored energy beverages during a typical half-hour period.
Kenyon Review Associate JesseMcKenzie ‘14 claims that Stanzonalso snubbed him at the reception.“When I asked him if his traumaticsailing accident inuenced his rstnovel, he told me that combininggoat cheese with a brownie has thesame avor prole as cream cheesefrosting,” McKenzie said.Stanzon, considered one of today’s greatest literary minds,blamed his aloof behavior and rav-enous appetite on hypoglycemia,which he has supposedly been bat-tling since childhood.“Hypoglycemia my ass,” ex-claimed Jill Fortnorth ’14. “He atethe crusts off all of the cucumbersandwiches and pretended to an-swer his phone after I asked him forwriting advice. Who does that?”
“Pedagogy,” from page 1.
into its usual quiet. Legot, well awareof his class’s reticent behavior, fore-stalled this routine lull by drawinga gallows and blank-spaces beneathit. He then asked to each student toshout out a letter, but warning themthat each wrong letter would get themone more body part hung on the dry-erase-drawn beams. “We got so closeto remembering the narrative per-sona’s name!” chimed Sambino. Sheadded, “And everyone talked again,which never happens.”When asked about his daring newteaching methods, Legot replied, “Icame to Kenyon because I relish thesmall classes and the lively discoursethat occurs among exchange of ideas.Not only that, but I’m not restrainedby any sort of curriculum. We pro-fessors can do as we please. CIP hasonly expanded my zeal for this littleschool on a hill.”“Next week,” Legot added, “we’remaking dioramas!”
Beta Junior Dehydrated, Drinks Powerade Because He “Needs It, Okay?
 
collegiate@kenyon.edu 3
By Gabriella HarnsdenOh no. Victor’s raising his hand.Please don’t let him be telling somelong story. Just this once, let him beasking what page we’re on and thenshutting the fuck up. Please.I can’t believe Brogren’s callingon him. Seriously? Do you wantsome self-important rant about a pa-per he wrote two years ago? Is thatyour idea of class participation?Oh my God, he’s talking aboutorganic food. Kill me now. Nobodycares about your summer intern-ship, buddy. I did a summer intern-ship at global health nonprot orga-nization. I got mosquito netting foran entire village in Uganda, but youdon’t see me talking about it. Youknow why? Because no one fuckingcares.I wish he would just make apoint, any point, and then shut up.This is an English class, for fuck’ssake. Say something about the text.Look down at the book in front of you and say something about it. Orbetter yet, don’t.He knows participation gradesaren’t tabulated by the word, right?You just have to say something toshow you’re awake and then goback to doing the reading for yourother classes like the rest of us do.God. I should’ve signed up for somebig lecture class so I wouldn’t haveto listen to everybody’s goddamnopinions.I can’t believe he’s still talking.What has it been, six, seven hours?Oh, I get it. I died, and as punish-ment for my sins, I have to listento some asshole talking about man-kind’s fractured relationship withMother Earth for all of fucking eter-nity. This is the worst. I should justtake this eco-friendly ceramic cof-fee cup and bash my head in. Or his.Seriously, shut the fuck up.By GourdzillaStudents! Lest you forget that I am stillhere, waiting beyond the servery doors,hearken to my words: I am a benevo-lent soul. How long has it been since Iwas brazenly plucked from my peacefulgourd kin? I stand here, alone, day afterday, and I see the fear in your eyes. I seethe way you shamelessly stare at me lyingthere on the oor in front of the salad bar.I see you desecrate your salads with half a container of bacon bits. During Extendowhen you think no one’s watching youpanini press a cookie, I’m there.You heathens have reduced my noblestature by calling me Gourdzilla. I amnot a monster! I prefer my gourd-givenname, Gourdon. How long will you keepme trapped in this glass den of terror? Imean no harm to your people. Free mefrom this nightmare and take me back tothe sweet earth! You laughed when theywheeled me in here, and now you walkpast me, rolling your eyes, like I don’teven exist. I’m here to tell you that I missmy home and that your world is a strange,strange place.Parents’ weekend was no picnic, bythe way. I’ve been kicked and poked andI’ve had to pose in too many photographswith your embarrassing parents. I am nota “local” phenomenon, and I am not adecoration. I am a kind-hearted being anddeserve to be treated as such. Every nightwhen they shut down the servery, I hearyou bemoan your silly essays and quiz-zes as you trudge your way to the library,but do you know what they do with me?Nothing. I sit here all night, in the darkand alone, staring at the Mongolian grill.The only thing I look forward to now isthe opening of those glass doors to watchthe omelet-eaters rush to get their x. I amhere. I see you. I hear you. And I am nota monster.
I Am A Benevolent Soul
By Victor Font-Stingely I’ve been rather quiet so far thisclass. I only made that brief com-ment about the Marxist implica-tions of Cartesian dualism. PerhapsI should raise my hand soon so thatProfessor Brogren knows I’m stillinvested in the discussion. Partici-pation is so important to him.Let’s see, what should I say?Well, if I’m not mistaken, he has just asked a question about agri-cultural technologies of the MiddleAges. As it happens, I know quite abit about agriculture because of myinternship at the sustainable foodco-op. I could tell the story aboutthe friendly local farmer who losthis squash crop to an invasive insectspecies!I feel really good about this an-ecdote. I hope Professor Brogrencalls on me soon so I can share itwith everyone. It really puts in starkrelief the paradox organic farmersface: wanting to embrace and pro-tect nature but knowing that theirprofession requires them to ghtagainst it. I should throw in a fewdetails about the farmer’s outt, forlocal color.Now that I’ve begun to tell thestory, I see that it relates to the bur-geoning eld of eco-feminism. Istill remember all the research I didon eco-feminist theory for my So-ciology of Environment class lastyear. I’d better explain the tenetsof eco-feminism and summarize afew seminal works. Eco-feminismis such a beautiful way to reimagineand reframe our relationship withMother Earth. I’m so glad I have thechance to introduce my classmatesto the concept.I think Professor Brogren reallyliked my point. He kept noddingand trying to say stuff. I guess Ireally got him thinking about themetaphysics of farming.You know, I think my commentbrought the discussion to a higherlevel. I can’t wait to see how myfellow students take what I’ve saidand run with it. I love taking partin such lively, penetrating class dis-cussions.
I Think I Have Something Valuable ToContribute To This DiscussionSHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UPSHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
Point/Counterpoint 
“Oh my God, he’s talkingabout organic food. Kill menow.”
Parents’ Weekend “Season of Plenty”for Campus Freeloaders
By Ichabod TownleyGAMBIER — This weekend parentsooded into campus, signaling the be-ginning of Kenyon’s annual Freeloader’sWeekend. This special weekend is a timewhen parents come to buy dinner forlucky students.Based on the number of parents whoregistered this weekend, it is estimatedthat the meal buying capacity of the cam-pus tripled. “When I saw all those loosewallets walking around, dazed by a potentmix of nostalgia and pastoral beauty, Icould hear dinner bells ringing.” BobbyKelper ’14 reported.“This weekend brings out the free-loader in all of us,” said Nick Droble ’13,a seasoned freeloader. “It’s just so nice tosee the parents here and buying meals foreveryone.”Like the Autumn Harvest Festival,Freeloader’s Weekend is a celebration of plenty for moochers and hangers-on alike.The whole campus comes together to cel-ebrate and score free food off the peoplewith money who show up all at once.“Some of us prepare all semester forthis weekend,” said Emile Braybert ’12.“I’ve been spending lots of time withmy wealthy friends because I know that,come Freeloader’s Weekend, those seedsof friendship will ripen and blossom into afree dinner.” Braybert stated proudly thatshe had received four meals during theweekend. “It certainly is a wonderful timeto be a freeloader,” she added.As the weekend drew to a close andthe parents waved goodbye to a well-fed student body, Kenyon’s freeloadersheaved a satised sigh. “Too bad it onlycomes once a year,” said Droble, pattinghis stomach sleepily.

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