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By Gunderson Threeply ASCENSION — Last week, whilegrading the midterms for his “Think-ing Laterally In A Vertical World”class, philosophy professor TrevorRosenstock made a startling discov-ery, sources within the departmentreport.“I had a kid use the word ‘zeitgeist’incorrectly in his paper,” Rosenstockwas overheard telling another profes-sor in the break room. “I mean, andif that was it, that would be ne. ButI had another kid use the phrase quidpro quo, which didn’t make sense inthe context. I think she was thinkingof the phrase QED, but that didn’treally t the context either. I’m nottrying to nitpick. I’m just really con-cerned. I had one kid write the sen-tence, ‘Thus the telos of our commer-cially-saturated life, with its myriadof pratfalls and pogroms, is elucidat-ed by our tantric devoir to Wall Streetand its inscrutable jackbooted thugs,’and I honestly can’t make heads ortails of that.”When confronted about his state-ments, he explained, “Look, you’rethey’re? all smart kids. You showme that every day in class. I’m justconcerned that if we don’t encourageour students to think about what theysay and how they say it, we’ll createa generation of pseudo-intellectualgoons who are more interested insounding smart than actually beingsmart.”Collectively, the students of theclasses of ’12, ’13, ’14, and ’15 haveissued a statement saying they would“much rather that [Professor] Rosen-stock refer to us as ‘graduate stu-dents,’ thank you very much.”
Incorrect Use Of ‘Zeitgeist’ In Paper Really TellingAbout Zeitgeist Of Current Student Population
By Pumpy Calico LEONARD HALL — Gil Strahm ’12has declared himself a “born-againfreshman,” sources report. The seniorpolitical science major’s personal-ity and actions have both allegedlychanged drastically as a result of thisconversion.“I’d really lost my way,” Strahmtold The Collegiate. “I’d lost sight of what college is all about. But then Isaw some freshmen drunkenly totter-ing towards Pink House on a Wednes-day night, and the path of righteous-ness was made clear to me.”Strahm said that he “took the les-son of these freshman to heart” andexperienced a “spiritual rebirth.”Since then, he has dropped his ad-vanced political science seminars andre-enrolled exclusively in 100-levelclasses, despite his advisor’s proteststhat with this schedule he will nothave the credits to graduate. Strahmhas also been frequently spotted recit-ing poetry at open mic events and try-ing out for various a capella groups.“I saw him in the Mather circlethe other day with a campus map,”said Rachel Birch ’12. “He said he’dheard there was beer in New Apts,but that he couldn’t nd them. WhenI reminded him that he was 21 andcompletely capable of buying beer forhimself, he just made this weird high-pitched laugh and ran away towardsBexleys, yelling, ‘I found them.’”According to his roommate, Hen-ry Mehrn ’12, Strahm has also beencalling home every day. “He says he’shomesick,” Mehrn reported, “and thatit’s really hard for him being awayfrom home for the rst time. Whichis weird, since I’m pretty sure he wasabroad in Shanghai last semester.”Strahm has also allegedly beendistant and cold towards his friends,electing only to hang out with peoplewho live on his hall in Leonard.“We’ve just gotten really close re-ally fast,” Strahm said, referring to ahall primarily composed of membersof a fraternity that he does not belongto. He added, “Second oor forever!”Strahm’s girlfriend, psychologymajor Trina Werner ’13, thinks thatStrahm’s conversion might be a com-plex delusion created in response toanxiety about graduation. “He didn’tget that DC internship he was reallyhoping for,” Werner said, “and he’snot sure about his plans for next year.He seems to be regressing to the in-fantile stages of freshmanhood ratherthan confronting the real-word prob-lems that come with emotional matu-rity.”When asked if this could be true,Strahm requested to be left alone be-cause he had a “two-page responsepaper” due for his art history surveyclass tomorrow and it was “reallystressing him out.”
“Author,” from page 1.
Senior Declares Himself Born-Again Freshman
Santoni drinks this many avored energy beverages during a typical half-hour period.
Kenyon Review Associate JesseMcKenzie ‘14 claims that Stanzonalso snubbed him at the reception.“When I asked him if his traumaticsailing accident inuenced his rstnovel, he told me that combininggoat cheese with a brownie has thesame avor prole as cream cheesefrosting,” McKenzie said.Stanzon, considered one of today’s greatest literary minds,blamed his aloof behavior and rav-enous appetite on hypoglycemia,which he has supposedly been bat-tling since childhood.“Hypoglycemia my ass,” ex-claimed Jill Fortnorth ’14. “He atethe crusts off all of the cucumbersandwiches and pretended to an-swer his phone after I asked him forwriting advice. Who does that?”
“Pedagogy,” from page 1.
into its usual quiet. Legot, well awareof his class’s reticent behavior, fore-stalled this routine lull by drawinga gallows and blank-spaces beneathit. He then asked to each student toshout out a letter, but warning themthat each wrong letter would get themone more body part hung on the dry-erase-drawn beams. “We got so closeto remembering the narrative per-sona’s name!” chimed Sambino. Sheadded, “And everyone talked again,which never happens.”When asked about his daring newteaching methods, Legot replied, “Icame to Kenyon because I relish thesmall classes and the lively discoursethat occurs among exchange of ideas.Not only that, but I’m not restrainedby any sort of curriculum. We pro-fessors can do as we please. CIP hasonly expanded my zeal for this littleschool on a hill.”“Next week,” Legot added, “we’remaking dioramas!”
Beta Junior Dehydrated, Drinks Powerade Because He “Needs It, Okay?