please recycle issue before or after reading 2
By Ricardo CarriganoMIDDLE PATH — Last ThursdayPaul Westworth ’12 allegedly failed toreturn a greeting from friend Karl Wil-liams ’12. Williams said he was walk-ing North when he saw Westworthcoming the other way. He smiled andoffered a “Hello,” but received noth-ing in return.This snubbing has caused Williamsto reevaluate his entire three-month“friendship” with Westworth. The twoseniors met each other for the rst timeat the Panini press in the early weeksof the semester. Williams recalledruefully, “I was making my ham andcheese melt and the paper got stuck tothe top of the bread.” He continued,after pausing for what appeared to bea single tear, “And then [Paul]— hemust have been getting a cookie orsomething, I don’t know— just comesup and says, ‘Oh, man, I hate whenthat happens. But it’s ber, right?’ Iwas struck by how candid he was, andhow much we had in common. I wastotally thinking the same thing.” Thetwo traded names and some friendlynonsensical pleasantries before West-worth went to see what was at the In-ternational station, Williams to get acup of raisins for the road.After this encounter, Westworthand Williams would continue to seeeach other on a semi-regular ba-sis, both offering a “Hey, what’s up,dude”, a “Hey,” or more commonly,a shared, “’Sup,” often in the formof “’Sup bro?” Williams remembersthese brief moments with pride andwarmth, which only greater informshis confusion regarding last Thurs-day’s “callous ignorance of friendlycustom,” as he described the incident.But when thinking on it more clearly,he realized that for the last few weeks,he and Westworth “hadn’t been ‘sup-ping each other like [they] used to.”“Wait, who?” replied Westworth,when reached for comment. He re-membered, “Oh, that guy. Yeah. I passhim every now and again, and he’s al-ways got this really eager look on hisface. We acknowledge each other’spresence, but I don’t think I’ve everhad a real conversation with him.”When asked to comment on his neg-ligence, Westworth politely scoffedand said that he “could not recall inparticular” any instance as the one de-scribed.
Friendship Thrown Into Question Following Neglect Of Afternoon Greeting
Westworth, at left, contemplating the fall foliage.
By Button GwennitOLIN LIBRARY — Last Tuesday,some inconsiderate asshole nally re-turned
Home Alone 2
to the Multime-dia Collections Room, sources report.In a move described as “totallyfucking uncool,” someone rented outOlin’s only copy of the lm and didnot return it for two weeks, despite thefact that nes were accrued and dailyreminder emails were sent.As a result, anger permeated thestudent body last week, resulting inthe general malaise of several friendgroups.“I rented out a projector and wasgoing to show
Home Alone 2
on mydorm room wall,” said Stacey Denton’14, “but when I went to check outthe movie, I realized that some idiotnever returned it.” Denton was report-edly “crushed” when she saw that thelm was absent from Olin’s collectionand settled instead for a documentaryabout the Guatemalan soybean indus-try.Another student, Tristan Werther’13 remarked, “That jerk must have atleast, like, $13 in nes by now. Come-uppance hurts, bitch.”Hailed as a “moderately successfulsequel,”
Home Alone 2: Lost in NewYork
stands as a seminal piece in thecareer of Macaulay Culkin and pro-vides many students with an outlet forrelaxation.The lm’s absence has been an un-spoken source of tension in the com-munity ever since that asshole rentedit out. LBIS coordinator Tim Rancherooffered, “I’m just glad the lm was re-turned. I didn’t want to have to presslegal action on this son of a gun, but Iwould have.”College ofcials failed to providethe asshole’s name for fear of potentialviolent outbreak, but this has not keptstudents from guessing. “I’m goingto nd out who this jerk is,” Werthercried, “and give him a piece of mymind.”For the event, Gund Gallery studentassociates are assigned to organizegames and apply candles to Belchek’scake. When asked if the current art inthe gallery is at risk of being damaged,Mormer replied, “I’m sure they will becareful. We’re providing napkins, so...”Last weekend, a gala held in recog-nition of the successful “We Are Ken-yon” campaign brought out hundredsof trustees to the gallery dressed in for-mal attire. For Belchek’s party, no of-cial dress code will be enforced, butsources report that she plans on wear-ing a skort that she bought at the malllast weekend.Mormer told
reportersthat she encourages use of the GundGallery for many different purposes,and offered that in the upcomingmonths, the gallery hopes to host morecasual, fun events for local teens.Johnson. “Oh, and her rm place inthe hearth of my ardent desire,” headded. Though he has been a residentof the college for over a year and hasseen the posters before, it appears thathis lust inspired temporary illiteracywhenever he stared at the informativebills. A follow-up question conrmedthis supposition, as Johnson explained,“I thought the groupings [according tocampus location] were a way to directseeking singles to proximal possibleames.” When asked to consider thepictures of the various faculty and staff members also on the posters, Johnsonsaid he “gured the older options werefor those who are, you know, into thatkind of thing.”Now aware of their actual intent,Johnson has reportedly removed eachof the three kinds of adviser postersfrom the wall next to his bed. Whilesources could not conrm, it appearsthat each poster showed signs of lip-stick stains.
Asshole Finally Returns
Home Alone 2
To Multimedia Collections Room
“Best Ever” from page 1.“Advisers” from page 1.
“That jerk must have atleast, like, $13 in nes bynow.”
A somewhat beloved piece of family entertainment.