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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 4.6

Kenyon Collegiate Issue 4.6

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02/06/2013

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By Roy McKluskin’GAMBIER — Much to no one’ssurprise, a study published last weekconrmed that every single studentcurrently attending Kenyon Collegeknows how to live well except for you.The data conrmed your longstandingsuspicion by demonstrating superiorlevels of self-awareness, self control,and fashion sense among nearly ahundred percent of a random sampleof your peers. According to the study,“basically no one” had trouble gettingto all of their classes in the last weekwhile “practically every person yousee on a daily basis” had experiencedsuccessful social interactions and aca-demic success in areas where you havefailed.Components of getting along cov-ered by the study included everythingfrom GPA to ability to get ahead onsummer internship applications tonding the most delicious foods andshortest lines in Peirce. Another por-tion measured how often the wholeworld got themselves into easily-avoided painful or embarrassing situ-ations. When asked if they had everbeen dumped, cried in public, or calledtheir professor Mom, “basically all”the non-you subjects checked eitherthe box marked “No,” or the onemarked “That happened like once.”Even those you’d previouslythought might be just as disorganizedas yourself turned out to be surprising-ly competent. Girl Who Is Probably InPeeps (With The Greasy Hair) ‘13 isplanning on studying abroad at Oxfordin the spring and uses the back of themason jar she usually carries aroundas a day planner. Meanwhile, your dayplanner continues to gather dust in thebottom drawer of your desk, sourcessay.When asked what his particularstrategy for keeping it together en-tailed, subject and rst year everyman
the kenyon collegiate 1
Everyone Has Their Shit Together Except You
By Button GwennitGUND GALLERY — Just two weeksafter the inaugural exhibition at thenewly opened Gund Gallery, thegallery staff has decided to hold the“best ever” laser tag and pizza partyfor a group of local middle schoolstudents. Director Nicole Mormer re-marked, “We thought it would be funto host some kids and lighten up onall the art stuff for awhile.”The gallery, which boasts oor-to-ceiling glass windows and 31,000square feet of oor space, furthersKenyon’s dedication to the arts andseeks to expand the limits of knowl-edge with innovative exhibits andshows. The laser tag and pizza partywill take place in the gallery spacebecause “it has the best angles forstealth attacks,” Mormer offered.The party celebrates the 12thbirthday of Mt. Vernon preteen Kris-ten Belchek. Fourteen of Belchek’s“closest friends” will accompany hernext Saturday afternoon in the gal-lery to eat pepperoni and cheese pizzaand play several rounds of laser tag.“I visited the gallery with my parentslast weekend and was really blownaway by the mixed media installa-tions in the Seeing/Knowing exhibi-tion, and I thought, ‘It would be thebest ever to have my birthday partyhere,’” she said.
Gund Gallery To Host “Best Ever”Laser Tag And Pizza Party
By Ricardo CarriganoMANNING HALL — SophomoreRandy Johnson reportedly just foundout that the pictures of Discrimination,Community, and Sexual MisconductAdvisers posted around campus arenot, in fact, singles ads.Friend Harriet Thispy ’13 gave himthe news last week when Johnson con-fessed his intention to reply to whathe thought was a romantic solicitationfrom Leonard Hall CA, Nora Castle’13.“He said that he wanted to talk tome about a girl, and I thought, ‘Oh,all right, here we go’ — he’s kind of a failed romantic. Anyway, he tells mehe can’t stop thinking about [Castle]and that he’d never responded to any-one’s ad before but he was down fortrying new things — and that’s whereI stopped him.”Thispy continued, “I asked himwhat he was talking about and he toldme [about the posters]. I told him thetruth and he just gaped at me, shakinghis head saying, ‘Nah . . . Serious?Nah . . . ’ It took about ve minutes of that before he believed me.”Johnson, who lives in ManningResidence Hall, became infatuatedwith Castle after he saw her face star-ing out at him from a hallway wall.“I didn’t know anything about herexcept her place of residence,” said
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These people are only two among the thousands of other people who have their shit together.
Student Shocked To DiscoverAdviser Posters Not Singles Ads
Local Election Report:Students Vote For Most Familiar-Sounding NamesPresident Nugent  Announces 2012Commencement Speaker Will Be S. Georgia Nugent  Attractive Guy Surprisingly Boring 
 
2
 
please recycle issue before or after reading 2
By Ricardo CarriganoMIDDLE PATH — Last ThursdayPaul Westworth ’12 allegedly failed toreturn a greeting from friend Karl Wil-liams ’12. Williams said he was walk-ing North when he saw Westworthcoming the other way. He smiled andoffered a “Hello,” but received noth-ing in return.This snubbing has caused Williamsto reevaluate his entire three-month“friendship” with Westworth. The twoseniors met each other for the rst timeat the Panini press in the early weeksof the semester. Williams recalledruefully, “I was making my ham andcheese melt and the paper got stuck tothe top of the bread.” He continued,after pausing for what appeared to bea single tear, “And then [Paul]— hemust have been getting a cookie orsomething, I don’t know— just comesup and says, ‘Oh, man, I hate whenthat happens. But it’s ber, right?’ Iwas struck by how candid he was, andhow much we had in common. I wastotally thinking the same thing.” Thetwo traded names and some friendlynonsensical pleasantries before West-worth went to see what was at the In-ternational station, Williams to get acup of raisins for the road.After this encounter, Westworthand Williams would continue to seeeach other on a semi-regular ba-sis, both offering a “Hey, what’s up,dude”, a “Hey,” or more commonly,a shared, “’Sup,” often in the formof “’Sup bro?” Williams remembersthese brief moments with pride andwarmth, which only greater informshis confusion regarding last Thurs-day’s “callous ignorance of friendlycustom,” as he described the incident.But when thinking on it more clearly,he realized that for the last few weeks,he and Westworth “hadn’t been ‘sup-ping each other like [they] used to.”“Wait, who?” replied Westworth,when reached for comment. He re-membered, “Oh, that guy. Yeah. I passhim every now and again, and he’s al-ways got this really eager look on hisface. We acknowledge each other’spresence, but I don’t think I’ve everhad a real conversation with him.”When asked to comment on his neg-ligence, Westworth politely scoffedand said that he “could not recall inparticular” any instance as the one de-scribed.
Friendship Thrown Into Question Following Neglect Of Afternoon Greeting
Westworth, at left, contemplating the fall foliage.
By Button GwennitOLIN LIBRARY — Last Tuesday,some inconsiderate asshole nally re-turned
 Home Alone 2
to the Multime-dia Collections Room, sources report.In a move described as “totallyfucking uncool,” someone rented outOlin’s only copy of the lm and didnot return it for two weeks, despite thefact that nes were accrued and dailyreminder emails were sent.As a result, anger permeated thestudent body last week, resulting inthe general malaise of several friendgroups.“I rented out a projector and wasgoing to show
 Home Alone 2
on mydorm room wall,” said Stacey Denton’14, “but when I went to check outthe movie, I realized that some idiotnever returned it.” Denton was report-edly “crushed” when she saw that thelm was absent from Olin’s collectionand settled instead for a documentaryabout the Guatemalan soybean indus-try.Another student, Tristan Werther’13 remarked, “That jerk must have atleast, like, $13 in nes by now. Come-uppance hurts, bitch.”Hailed as a “moderately successfulsequel,”
 Home Alone 2: Lost in NewYork 
stands as a seminal piece in thecareer of Macaulay Culkin and pro-vides many students with an outlet forrelaxation.The lm’s absence has been an un-spoken source of tension in the com-munity ever since that asshole rentedit out. LBIS coordinator Tim Rancherooffered, “I’m just glad the lm was re-turned. I didn’t want to have to presslegal action on this son of a gun, but Iwould have.”College ofcials failed to providethe asshole’s name for fear of potentialviolent outbreak, but this has not keptstudents from guessing. “I’m goingto nd out who this jerk is,” Werthercried, “and give him a piece of mymind.”For the event, Gund Gallery studentassociates are assigned to organizegames and apply candles to Belchek’scake. When asked if the current art inthe gallery is at risk of being damaged,Mormer replied, “I’m sure they will becareful. We’re providing napkins, so...”Last weekend, a gala held in recog-nition of the successful “We Are Ken-yon” campaign brought out hundredsof trustees to the gallery dressed in for-mal attire. For Belchek’s party, no of-cial dress code will be enforced, butsources report that she plans on wear-ing a skort that she bought at the malllast weekend.Mormer told
Collegiate
reportersthat she encourages use of the GundGallery for many different purposes,and offered that in the upcomingmonths, the gallery hopes to host morecasual, fun events for local teens.Johnson. “Oh, and her rm place inthe hearth of my ardent desire,” headded. Though he has been a residentof the college for over a year and hasseen the posters before, it appears thathis lust inspired temporary illiteracywhenever he stared at the informativebills. A follow-up question conrmedthis supposition, as Johnson explained,“I thought the groupings [according tocampus location] were a way to directseeking singles to proximal possibleames.” When asked to consider thepictures of the various faculty and staff members also on the posters, Johnsonsaid he “gured the older options werefor those who are, you know, into thatkind of thing.”Now aware of their actual intent,Johnson has reportedly removed eachof the three kinds of adviser postersfrom the wall next to his bed. Whilesources could not conrm, it appearsthat each poster showed signs of lip-stick stains.
Asshole Finally Returns
Home Alone 2 
To Multimedia Collections Room
“Best Ever” from page 1.“Advisers” from page 1.
“That jerk must have atleast, like, $13 in nes bynow.”
A somewhat beloved piece of family entertainment.
 
collegiate@kenyon.edu 3
Life & Style 
Style Profile: Girl Who Dresses In1950s Fashions Actually From 1950sDoes This Library Carrel HaveRoom For One More?
By Ambrosia SweetwaterRita Sweeny, frequenter of the Ascen-sion Reading Room and the periodicalshelves in the library basement, hasno trouble standing out of the crowdin her precious pink poodle skirts anddandy cat eye spectacles. “I sewed thepoodle on myself!” she said merrilybefore disappearing into a shelf of old
Kenyon Review
magazines.Linda Trufe ’14, creator of the
Ke-nyon Sartorialist 
blog, has attemptedto photograph Sweeny, but has beenunable to produce a clear image withher digital camera. “I saw her glidingweightlessly across Philo the otherday wearing a long, gorgeous oralprint dress, white gloves, and pearls,”Trufe said. “When I asked her if Icould take a picture for my blog, sheasked me what in the good heavens a‘Tumblr’ was.” Photos taken of Swee-ny depict only a large, oating orb,with no sight of the snappy dresseror her whimsical clothes. “I guess mycamera got rained on or something,”Trufe said.Sweeny’s sense of style has sparkeda slew of vintage trends on campus. “Iwanted to tell her how much I adoreher vintage cardigan, but by the timeI turned around, she was gone. It waslike she vanished into thin air!” ex-claimed Marian Bartleby ’12. Fedo-ras, beehive hairdos, and knee-lengthfull skirts are visible everywhere, andmost students credit their style choic-es to Sweeny. “She’s got such a funlook,” continued Bartleby. “She to-tally has that Betty Draper from
 Mad  Men
vibe.” Unbeknownst to the stu-dent body, Sweeny has actually beendead for fty-seven years.In 1954, Sweeny, then a junior atOberlin College, was visiting herlong-time beau, Harvey Westick ’55,at Kenyon when a tumble down thepoorly designed Ascension steps senther to an early grave. “It was just anol’ case of the butterngers,” Sweenychirped. “Harvey Warvey was soupset, he couldn’t play squash for awhole two weeks!” Since the acci-dent, Sweeny’s spirit wanders fromthe library to Ascension in search of her sweetheart. When asked how theevent has inuenced her style, Swee-ny responded, “I make sure my saddleshoes are tied extra tight. I can be soclumsy.”By Ellen Justin-PentinKnock knock! Mind if I squeeze inhere for a sec? Man, the library is socrowded today! Just trying to nd aquiet place to do my poli sci readingand no one will shut up and leave mealone. People can be so obnoxiousat this school. Did you see that girlover there at the computers with afucking book on her lap? She wasn’teven using the computer. She can just sit there and read a book whileI begrudgedly walk downstairs tothe computer dungeon where it’s al-ways 50 degrees. And that kid overthere? No, not the ginger with thebeanie, the other kid. Yeah, the onewith meningitis, apparently. Get yourfreaky scarlet fever out of the libraryand leave me to my reading.You don’t mind if I snag a sip of this Red Bull, right? Thanks. I swearsome of these kids don’t understandwhat it’s like to have work. Luck-ily, I got another extension on myReimagining Meta-Narratives in theGilded Age midterm, but I’m stillsooo screwed. Which is why it’s soawful to sit down at a table and lis-ten to a bunch of girls talk about their“crazy weekend” drinking forties andwatching that Beyonce music videoin Leonard. Maybe I should write anallstu. That would probably get mypoint across. I can’t possibly be theonly one who thinks they’re obnox-ious. Yeah, I know, that Beyonce vid-eo is really good. Whatever. Scoochover for a sec.Little bit of a tight squeeze in here,eh? I can’t wait to get a carrel of myown so I won’t have to make boringsmall talk with everyone around mewhen I’m trying to just focus and domy work. What is that ginger bean-ie kid doing? Slurping away at thewater fountain! Don’t mind us. It’snot like this is a library or anythingwhere people are trying to focus andnot deplete the campus of water fora week. Sorry, I don’t mean to be to-tally OCD, but can you try to not beso loud when you turn that page? It’s just a little irritating. I’m really try-ing to do some work and I can’t haveany more distractions. First I need todraft this allstu, though. Do you thinkit could start an allstu war? I’ve neveractually done that before. Once I n-ish drafting this and have a cigarette,I’ll be totally ready to work.
Sweeney, moments before her untimely death.
I can’t wait to get a carrel of my own so I won’t have tomake boring small talk witheveryone around me.
Audacious Freshman Enters Peirce Servery After Closing Time
by Ricardo CarriganoPEIRCE SERVERY — Sources indi-cate that on Sunday, Adlai Rumpkis’15 slipped in to the Peirce serveryafter it had closed.Rumpkis reportedly forgot to graba banana before sitting down to eathis meal. However, when he realizedhis folly, dinner had ended. Rumpkis,fully aware of the dangerous and un-orthodox nature of his actions, dartedwith careful grace into the left set of doors, slipping between a couple of unsuspecting dish ladies. Onlookerssaid he walked with “condence andcool” to the fruit baskets, picked up“not just one, but two bananas,” andcasually strolled back, undaunted, tohis seat in Upper Dempsey.“His balls were probably swollenwith
chingado
sensibility from theamount of testosterone it takes to dowhat he did,” provided Peirce atriumcouch troll Wilfred Jasper ’12. Con-tinued Jasper, “I’ve seen plenty of the7:59 p.m. Dinner Club people franti-cally shufe in as if the meal they getmight be their last. But this guy justwalked right in — swaggered in ismore like it — well past 8 o’clock.What a bold kid.”When asked to comment about hisaudacious move, Rumpkis had this tosay: “I was hankering for a banana,and, yeah, I knew that dinner wasover. But I thought to myself, ‘Youknow what? Fuck it. I’m going for it.’And I did.”AVI employees don’t even recallseeing Rumpkis, so poised was hisbanana grab. However, one worker,Kat Clarinet, lamented the after-hoursfruit seizure, and challenged Rump-kis to “try it again and see what hap-pens.” She added under her breath,“Punk bitch.”Rumpkis’s next daring plans in-clude patronizing the bookstore after11:00 p.m., the market after midnight,and staying in the library until far af-ter 2:00 a.m. He also hopes to boardhis ight home for Thanksgivingbreak one minute before takeoff.
“This guy just walked rightin — swaggered in is morelike it — well past 8 o’clock.What a bold kid.”

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