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The New Pun Book

The New Pun Book

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Published by grandmapolly
Puns: Shakespeare loved them, most people claim to hate them and some are really bad. Some of these are worse.
Puns: Shakespeare loved them, most people claim to hate them and some are really bad. Some of these are worse.

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Categories:Topics, Art & Design
Published by: grandmapolly on Jan 05, 2012
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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01/05/2012

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 Publisher's Note:Inconsistent hyphenation and unusual spelling in theoriginal document have been preserved.Obvious typographical errors have been corrected. Fora complete list, please see the end of this document.THE NEW PUN BOOKCOLLECTED, EDITED AND ARRANGED FROMTHE NOTES OF TWO LEARNED PUNDITSWho thought they never saw the Punjab delighted inall pungencies of speech. Scholarly men who rejoicein punctiliousness in their language, contrive toimprove its flavor and precision by exercise inthese unexpected juxtapositions. Thus, aswith our Pundit's famous countryman Mr.Jaberjee, though they use the purestlanguage, they can instantly expressevery shade of thought with graceand completeness without resortingto slang:--that ready cloakwherewith puny minds striveto cover their vulgarityand lack of culture.BY T. B. AND T. C.New YorkFRANK VERNON & CO.103 Park AvenueCOPYRIGHT 1906By CAREY-STAFFORD CO.
 
The New Pun Book"He's a professional grafter.""Who?""The nurseryman."* * * * *"You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. What do you suppose heweighs?""I don't know, what does he weigh?""Meat."* * * * *"I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks.' Asthough everyone wasn't wise to that."* * * * *"How are you to-day?""Oh, I can't kick.""Thought you were ill.""I am--I have the gout."* * * * *"Let me see," said the minister, who was filling out the marriagecertificate and had forgotten the date, "this is the fifth, is itnot?""No, sir!" said the bride, with some indignation, "this is onlymy third!"* * * * *She--I had a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can'tfind it anywhere.He--Did you look among the Vs, dear?* * * * *"Have you ever met my sister, Louisa?"
 
"Yes. She's rather stout, isn't she?""I have another at home--Lena."* * * * *"Why do you call that colored man a blackmailer.""Because he is employed at the post-office. And that ain't theworst of it.""No?""No, sir; his wife takes hush money.""You don't say so!""I do. She's a child nurse."* * * * *The street car lurched, she fell ker-flump!But got up with a happy smile,And to the young man said: "Please, sir,How many laps are to the mile?"* * * * *I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments inNew York. Why didn't they close up Adam? He was the firstgambler. Didn't he start the races?* * * * *"Gee, I just made a bad break," murmured the chef, as he threwaway some rotten eggs.* * * * *"This is our latest novelty," said the manufacturer, proudly."Good work, isn't it?""Not bad," replied the visitor, "but you can't hold a candle tothe goods we make.""Oh! are you in this line, too?""No. We make gunpowder."* * * * *You ought to sleep well, You lie so easily!* * * * *

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