My Grandmother’s gold-rimmed china, and the best silver. A beautiful, pink, silk, beaded table napkin,rests on my lap.
Eat up Jackal..it’s good….
I smile.He groans..and rattles. Every bite I try to feed him..he blows back. I hiccup and burp. Desperatelytrying to hold the food down.I fizzle…
Stop it! Jackal, Stop it..your gonna make me sick.
I inhale and huff, then return to my meal. Watching the dark sky..and the ivory chiffon curtains vibratefrom the open window. Candle wax drips into it’s holder; it’s light beautifully flickering. A peacefulscene. Serene and tranquil.I raise my fork again.. A small bite I take..He spews it out..over my chin.Quickly I wipe, and slam the fork onto the table..
“Dammit Jackal!!! I said not tonight! I just wanted to have a peaceful meal..for once!
”I push myself from the table, allowing the pretty napkin to fall.Snatch up the plate and utensils… Drown the candle … then toss everything in the trash.My stomach ripples and shakes.Angry and silent. Aggressively panting and perspiring I grab my keys, my purse, a coat, the trash, andout the backdoor I go.Jackal’s skittish and merry..Clapping his idiotic hands.. “Yes..Yes..”“
Fuck YOU Jackal
.” I snare.His heels are pressing into my pelvis.. Upright he stands in me. Straight and Firm. Properly salutingme, in all too familiar fashion.I toss the bag into the dumpster.Stomp around to the front. Yank open the car door, drive the car into the garage with door still open.Pull down the garage door. Lock. Then, head down the road.My breath is uneasy. I’m jittery and edgy. I tell myself to calm down. I try to slow down my breathingand gather my thoughts, but it’s difficult.The swirling dust and the cool air ignite me. Balling my fist..I scream as loud as I can.. (yelling at thestars) “Why is this happening?!”With a deep inhale, I shake my head. Quickly resolving that everything, (all of “this”)… is in-fact bullshit. Softly muttering, “I can’t eat, sleep, or be still. I’ll never be at peace. I hate it.”My lips perch..and anger turns into frustration. Frustration with Jackal for not compromising. For notseeing things my way. For ALWAYS getting what he wants.Mad I turn inward..
“Ya hate me, Jackal? Well, I fucking loathe You! I LOATHE you!”
Tickled he smiles. Rubbing my belly from the inside. “I don’t hate you. I don’t hate you..” hewickedly sings.He playfully pinches me. Distorting his voice to sound just like mine. Mocking me.. “I loathe you.”