Pulp Graveyard Readers Theatre

Issue 1

PULP GRAVEYARD READERS THEATRE Issue 1 Adapted by Andrew Moore and Pamela Moore

Theatre Unleashed Inc. 11052 Magnolia Blvd. North Hollywood, CA 91601

PRODUCTION SCRIPT August 15, 2009 2009 Andrew Moore & Pamela Moore All rights reserved. andrew.moore@theatreunleashed.com

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PULP GRAVEYARD READERS THEATRE Issue 1 Prod. #1

CAST INTRODUCTION THE OLD CARETAKER Our master of ceremonies. STORY #1: KILLER ON THE LOOSE NARRATOR TEX BARRY SCIENTIST THE CHIEF PROPRIETRESS BYSTANDER DISPATCHER DARK FIGURE LIL AUGIE The narrator. Brief character description. Nervous novice writer. (Age 34) A forensics guy. The boss. Lil Augies landlady. A witness to a crime. The police dispatcher. The titular killer. An ex-con and stool pigeon. ADVERTISEMENT #1: PITCHMAN JOE BOB DORIS SALLY KISS ME NECKTIE

1950s Billy May on crack. The smart guy with the tie. The jealous guy without the tie. Nondescript 1950s female. Nondescript 1950s female. STORY #2: PAPER ROMANCE

NARRATOR MAID LIZA SETH TIM TOM DANCE CALLER

The narrator. The dutiful housemaid. Young woman in search of a dashing and debonair lover. Reliable good ol boy who is in love with Liza. A random hot guy. Dreamy, well-mannered man about town. Square dance caller.

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ADVERTISEMENT #2: PITCHMAN BOBBY TIMMY CINDY

JET ROCKET SPACE SHIP

1950s Billy May on crack. The lucky boy with the toy. The jealous boy without the toy. Nondescript 1950s young female. LETTERS PAGE

THE OLD CARETAKER VARIOUS

Our Master of Ceremonies A hodgepodge of 1950s genre fans. CONCLUSION

THE OLD CARETAKER

Our Master of Ceremonies

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Issue 1 INTRODUCTION

THE OLD CARETAKER:

Welcome, you weary travelers. It seems you have stumbled into my graveyard. (chuckling) Oh, theres no need to be afraid. This isnt like most graveyards. There are no tombstones ... but there is plenty of death. You see, this is a graveyard of stories. So sit back, make yourself comfortable, and let this Old Caretaker spin a tale or two for you to pass the time ... Lets take a journey into the big city. A city full of crime and violence, where the thin blue line is all that separates civilization from inevitable decay and degradation. A place where your brightest hope in a world of squalor is typified by ...

(CONTINUE DIRECTLY INTO THE STORY!)

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STORY #1 KILLER ON THE LOOSE NARRATOR: SOUND EFFECT: TEX: Tex and Barry ... Radio Patrol! Breaking down a door. Its the end of the line, Barry ... Theres Lil Augie, tied to that chair! Watch out, coppers! a tommy gun! Behind that door ... he has

LIL AUGIE:

NARRATOR:

A hail of bullets ... A murderous hit-and-run car ... A handkerchief reeking of cheap perfume! That was the blood-soaked trail Tex and Barry of the Radio Patrol were following ... The trail left by a ... Killer on the Loose! It all starts with A quiet afternoon ... A routine patrol. ... and this 3-D picture was big as life ... and twice as ugly. You felt as if you could reach out and touch the characters! I saw the shot myself! When those guns went off, I shook as if Id been shot! Those old flat pictures are good enough for ... Gunfire. Hey! Gunfire!

NARRATOR:

BARRY:

TEX:

BARRY: SOUND EFFECT: BARRY: SOUND EFFECT:

The gunfire victim vocalizes, slumps to the ground. Look ... over there! That character took a chestful of slugs! Look Barry, up there on the roof! A dark figure crouches on the roof of a nearby building. He opens fire on Tex and Barry! Gunfire.

TEX: BARRY: TEX: NARRATOR:

SOUND EFFECT:

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TEX:

Hit the pavement everybody ... that maniac has a grudge against the whole human race! This guys dead as last years news reel! And that killer up on the roof ... hes skipped! Cmon ... Lets get up there pronto! Moments later, up on the roof ... Not a sign of him! He couldve used any of these other adjoining roofs to make his getaway! He left something for us, anyway his gun! Well call the meat wagon for the stiff in the street ... and take this gun to the lab! A short time later, in the metropolitan crime lab ... Fingerprints are too smudged to be identified. The gun is registered to an August Tree. Lil Augie, eh? Get going lads ... find out what kind of alibi that stooly has this time! A police siren. A patrol siren shrieks, as Tex and Barry race to a run-down boarding house the other side of town, Lill Augies last known address. There they find the proprietress of the boarding house. Mr. Tree aint been here for three-four days, officers. He got into his car and just disappeared! Thanks, lady! If he checks in please call the precinct house ... before you tell him weve been here! Two hours later, on a quiet street corner. A leggy blond is crossing the street when ... A car zooms up Lady! Watch out!

BARRY: TEX:

NARRATOR: BARRY:

TEX:

NARRATOR:

SCIENTIST:

THE CHIEF:

SOUND EFFECT: NARRATOR:

PROPRIETRESS:

BARRY:

NARRATOR:

SOUND EFFECT: BYSTANDER:

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SOUND EFFECT:

The lady screams as shes hit by the car. car zooms away. He crashed into her ... as if he meant to!

The

BYSTANDER: DISPATCHER

(ON RADIO) Car one ... hit-and-run accident reported at Blenheim Street and Drake Avenue! Drop what youre doing Tex and Barry ... get over there fast! You heard the lady, Tex. Police siren, wheels squealing. Tex and Barry race through the city streets, their siren screaming. Soon they arrive at the scene of the crime. Walla-walla. Let the police through, folks! Cmon ... maybe they can still catch that maniac! I copied down his license number as he went around the corner! Here, officers ... hurray! Thank you, citizen. Barry, better call it in.

BARRY: SOUND EFFECT: NARRATOR:

SOUND EFFECT: BYSTANDER:

TEX: BARRY:

Car one to dispatch ... Barry here. I have a license number for the hit and run on Blenheim and Drake. (ON RADIO) Go ahead, Barry. Charlie one-five-four-zero. Repeat, Charlie one-five-four-zero. Copy, dispatch? (ON RADIO) Copy. Charlie one-five-four-zero. Stand-by while we check it. Sure, Im waiting ... Speed it up if you can! We have it for you Barry! Youve checked it already? Go ahead ...

DISPATCHER: BARRY:

DISPATCHER:

BARRY: DISPATCHER: BARRY: NARRATOR: BARRY:

But Barry cant believe his ears ... The car belongs to ... who? Tex!

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TEX: BARRY:

Yes, Barry. That murder car belongs to Lil Augie! First the gunning in broad daylight over on Mortimer Street ... Now this! Quite an afternoon for Mr. Tree! Augies a two-bit stool pigeon, not a killer! And yet ... say Barry ... Yes Tex? I think its time we pay another visit to a certain proprietress across town! Once again they roar toward a shabby Rooming House, where ... Mr. Tree aint back yet ... Its like hes been swallowed up! Is it right and proper for me to let you into his room? Were wearing our credentials, Maam. Check with the mayor if youre worried, but open that door! Well, alright. Door opens. Nothing disturbed here ... No sign of Augie planning to vamoose! Say ... this place smells like a ten cent dance hall! Perfume ... quarter-a-gallon type. this handkerchief! Here ...

TEX:

BARRY: TEX:

NARRATOR:

PROPRIETRESS:

TEX:

PROPRIETRESS: SOUND EFFECT: TEX:

BARRY:

TEX:

Were no closer to finding Augie than we were bef ... whew! You can smell this stuff a mile away! No time to be sick, Tex! Lets check back and see if homicides found any connection between those two killings! And so Tex and Barry return to police headquarters. An hour of feverish activity passes, as the sun goes down, delivering the

BARRY:

NARRATOR:

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city into the shadowy mystique of night. Elsewhere in the city, a man walks down a lonely street past an alleyway ... where a dark figure springs upon him! SOUND EFFECT: DARK FIGURE: A struggle. A muffled attempt to scream.

NARRATOR:

Choke it off, brother! It wont do you no good ... You see this knife here? I been waiting a long time to take care of you! With that, the dark figure plunges the knife into his victims chest! Stabbing. The victims grunt and he slumps to the ground. So long, sucker ... Now were square! This makes three down ... only nine more to go! Again the patrol car radio squawks ... and again Tex and Barry are faced with grisly murder! Good Lord, another one! A whole insane asylum mustve busted loose in one afternoon to ... hmm. In the air! That perfume ... its here! The gun ... the car ... the cheap perfume ... all belonging to Augie Tree! Much too pat if you ask me! Killers dont go around advertising! Check! Ive got this poor guys identifications, Barry ... Lets get to headquarters and do some brain work! The hours pass as they look through tons of files. Then, in the chiefs office ... Weve been working like beavers on the names of those three victims to find out what they had in common ... who had reason to hate them! And heres what we came up with. The three victims served together on a jury four years ago ... their names topped the alphabetical list of jurors. The next name on the list is Harkness ... lets hope hes still breathing! Get going, you two ... there isnt a second to lose!

SOUND EFFECT:

DARK FIGURE:

NARRATOR:

BARRY:

TEX: BARRY:

TEX:

NARRATOR:

CHIEF:

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NARRATOR:

Back in their patrol car, Tex and Barry blaze a blistering trail to the home of Harkness. Patrol car speeding through city streets, no siren. Cant risk using the siren ... might scare the killer away while he stalks his next victim! Whats the matter, Barry? You Nervous? Dont be silly! I enjoy hurtling through city streets at 85 miles per ... its a hatful of laughs! Brrrr! Anxious minutes pass as the radio patrolmen carry out a last minute scheme. Then, outside the Harkness Apartment ... Car screeches to a stop. The chief was right, Tex! ... up there! On the fire escape. Theres the killer

SOUND EFFECT:

TEX:

BARRY:

NARRATOR:

SOUND EFFECT: BARRY:

TEX: BARRY:

I see him.

Hes got a gun!

Hes taking aim at that silhouette in Harkness apartment! Machine gunfire. Just listen to that song hes playing! Time he ran into a little discord, whoever he is! You cover im from here, Tex ... Ill try to head im off before he gets to the roof! Barry sprints to the fire escape. The killer turns his gun towards the brave officers. Tex attempts to draw his fire ... Machine gunfire. The longer I stick my neck out as a target, the more chance Barry has to cut off that gorilla! Good ol Tex holds the killer off long enough for Barry to ... Oh no! The killer has spotted

SOUND EFFECT: TEX:

BARRY:

NARRATOR:

SOUND EFFECT: TEX:

NARRATOR:

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Barry! Time for just one shot before the killer puts Barry in his sight! SOUND EFFECT: Service revolver shot! The killer grunts, hit. Machine gunfire. Barry grunts, shot in the leg. I just nicked im ... not enough to stop that butcher! And that first volley got me in the leg! Stay away, copper! Follow me and youll get a department funeral! The killer makes his escape across the rooftops, just as Tex emerges from the fire escape, gun drawn! He sees his partner, crouched on the rooftop, his pant leg wet with blood from his leg wound. Tex holsters his weapon and moves swiftly to his injured compatriot, devising a tourniquet to stop the blood. This is kind of makeshift, but itll hold for awhile! You see who he was, Barry? That jury lead of the chiefs hit the nail on the head! That gorilla is Dan Corot ... just out on parole! Cmon ... well track him across the rooftops! Hes left a trail he doesnt know about! Enthused with the thrill of the hunt, Tex follows Barry across the rooftops, until at last they enter a building, and descend to the third floor ... What makes you so sure he came down into this building? And why this floor? My nose tells me, Tex! Quick ... that door over there! Lets give it the old heave-ho! Breaking down a door. Its the end of the line, Barry! Augie, tied to that chair! Watch out, coppers! door! Theres Lil

BARRY:

DARK FIGURE:

NARRATOR:

TEX:

BARRY:

NARRATOR:

TEX:

BARRY:

SOUND EFFECT: TEX:

LIL AUGIE:

He ... hes behind that

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DARK FIGURE:

Howd you tail me here? And you ... Augie you little punk... Ill give you a bellyful ... No time to argue with a madman, Barry ... Let him have it! Barry and Texs service revolvers, filling the Dark Figure with lead. The Dark Figure dies. We know Corot decided to kill every member of the jury that sent him to prison four years ago, but how do you figure into this nightmare? It ... it was my testimony that clinched the case against im! He was out to get me ... by using my gun and car ... and making it look like I was the murderer! He grabbed me the day I got outta prison. I been here ever since! Lucky for the rest of the jurors that he only got as far as the first four on the list! Three, Augie! The man he thought was Harkness was a dummy we set up a minute before he got there! Cmon ... well drive you back to your house! After calling out the meat wagon to haul Corots sorry carcass away and returning Lil Augie home, Tex and Barry drive back to the station to file the report ... and celebrate their victory over crime! You know, if Corot hadnt been so methodical about going down that list in alphabetical order, we might still be tripping over bodies! And if Augie Tree didnt use that foul perfume of his, we wouldnt have been able to track the killer to the room he was using! Nice of Corot to borrow Augies Perfume and ... phew! This is worse than three-D! AND SO WE COME TO THE END OF ANOTHER ADVENTURE FOR TEX AND BARRY RADIO PATROL!

TEX:

SOUND EFFECT:

TEX:

LIL AUGIE:

BARRY:

NARRATOR:

TEX:

BARRY:

NARRATOR:

THE END.

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ADVERTISEMENT #1: PITCHMAN:

KISS ME NECKTIE

Girls cant resist this Kiss Me necktie as it Glows in the dark! Say, Joe! That sure is a swank tie!

BOB: DORIS: JOE:

I think its lovely! Only by day. Just wait until you see it at night Doris. That Joe sure is a character! Men Boys Amaze your friends! Surprise and thrill every girl you meet! Be different and the life of the party in any crowd! Hey Bob, hey Doris. Hey Sally! This is some office party!

DORIS: PITCHMAN:

SALLY: BOB: DORIS:

It sure is!

Dont look now here comes Joe in that spectacular tie of his! Hey Bob. Ladies. That tie of yours

JOE: BOB: JOE:

Joe, tell me:

Yes, Bob. Its a smart, wrinkle-proof, tailored cravat. Superb class by day, and in the dark well, let me show you. Sally, be a dear and put out the lights. Click! Oh my! It seems like a necktie of compelling allure and sheer magic! Let me see Oh my, indeed! Like a miracle of light there comes a pulsing, glowing question! What does it say? reading glasses! Im afraid I forgot my

SOUND EFFECT: DORIS:

SALLY:

BOB:

DORIS: PITCHMAN:

Will you kiss me in the dark, baby? Think of the surprise, the awe you will cause! Theres no trick, no hidden batteries, no

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switches or foolish horseplay, but a thing of loveliness as the question emerges gradually to life, touched by the wand of darkness, and your girl will gasp SOUND EFFECT: PITCHMAN: Gasp! yes, gasp with wonder as it takes form so amazingly. Its new! Utterly different! A Hollywood riot!

BOB: PITCHMAN:

And heres wonderful news! You can see and examine this glorious tie yourself without risk just mail in the coupon! Send no money? Yes, Bob. Examine let it thrill you on this free trial offer! And if you are not delighted, if you are not eager to wear it, just return it for your money back promptly! What a fair, generous offer! Then act at once! now! Dont wait! Mail the coupon

BOB: NARRATOR:

BOB: NARRATOR:

BOB:

I better, before Joe sweeps up all the dames in the office secretary pool! Mail this no-risk coupon now to: Glow in the Dark Necktie Company, 2-1-5 North Michigan Avenue, Department 3-7-5 K, Chicago, Illinois. The marvelous, breath-taking glow in the dark Kiss Me necktie! Its novel, different, and barrels of fun!

NARRATOR:

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STORY #2: NARRATOR:

PAPER ROMANCE

Life on a farm can be dull, boring, without excitement! At least thats how I found it! But a girl can dream, cant she? And thats how I found all the things I was missing and ended up with a Paper Romance! Love sounds. Oh, I had a boy friend. His name was Seth Gray But, but he was still just a farmer not the kind of man you could get excited about. He lacked the finesse, the sophistication that I had always pictured my suitor would have But still, he was here in the flesh and the other person existed only in my mind. You can stop dreaming about your handsome stranger, Liza Seth is here! Oh, not again! He was just here this morning! Doesnt he ever get tired of coming around I wont run away! But apparently he didnt get tired ever! Hey, Liza honey! Dad gave me the afternoon off! Thought youd like to go swimming Sure is hot today! How about it? We-ell, I dont know Its its so infantile! Oh, I guess so. I havent got anything to do! I dont know why I was so rude with Seth Everything he did or thought was for my benefit. Its just that he was so different than the man that I had always dreamed would someday be my lover! Splashing and swimming sounds. Cmon on in, baby the waters wonderful! Ill be right with you Please dont be in such a hurry all the time! Have a little finesse about you! I made him wait just like I always did! Besides, what was the sense in hurrying There was only a dingy old swimming hole waiting. Finally we finished swimming and sat by the edge of the hole and let the sun dry us off just as we always did

SOUND EFFECT: NARRATOR:

MAID: LIZA:

NARRATOR: SETH:

LIZA: NARRATOR:

SOUND EFFECT: SETH: LIZA:

NARRATOR:

NARRATOR:

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SOUND EFFECT: SETH:

Sounds of nature. Dont you think this is a great way to live, Liza? Go swimming whenever you want and let the warm sun beat down on you This is really living, isnt it? Whats the matter, honey? Youre not even paying attention! Huh. What? Oh, Im sorry, Seth! on something else! My mind was

LIZA: NARRATOR:

Yes, my mind was on something else on the type of swimming pool I had always envisioned myself in and with the type of man to go with it! Liza darling, can I get you anything to drink Is there something you want? No thank you, Tim just you! My reverie was short-lived as I was suddenly yanked out of my dream by Seth Seth, who seemed to sense what was going on in my mind! Oh Seth Youre youre so crude! Not like the guy you were just dreaming about, huh? But theres one way to make you forget him like this! And then I was in his arms and his lips were pressing against mine! At first I tried to resist, but then, like always, I felt myself yielding, wanting more and more of his caress! Heavy petting. Thats the way it always was with my feelings toward Seth! Id compare him with the man of my dreams and he just didnt compare! But then hed take me in his arms and kiss me and for the instant Id forget about my dream man. Thats how Seths kisses affected me! Oh my! A few days passed, days filled with my dreams and of ignoring Seth! But in our tiny community that was almost impossible and so a few days later in town I had no choice but to accept his offer, of a lift back to the farm Tractor.

TIM: LIZA: NARRATOR:

LIZA: SETH:

NARRATOR:

SOUND EFFECT: NARRATOR:

LIZA: NARRATOR:

SOUND EFFECT:

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SETH:

Havent seen you in quite a while, Liza Whats the matter, been busy with that dream man of yours! Oh you just dont understand! Now give me that paper so Ill have something to do on the way home I dont want to talk to you you, you hick! Newspaper rustling. It was out of spite that I read the paper instead of paying attention to Seth! But who knows, maybe it was fate! For in those pages I saw my escape from the dull, boring life I was destined to lead! Seeking romance excitement love adventure! Then write to this office and we will forward your letter to a person of the opposite sex! Who knows what this might lead to perhaps everything youve ever dreamed about! P.O. box I dont know why I bothered to tell Seth about the ad perhaps out of spite but he reacted exactly the way I thought he would. Youre kidding! You dont really think you can find your dream man by writing a letter to some phony racket, do you? Of course I can! And to prove to you that Im not kidding, Ill even let you mail my letters That should prove how much Im kidding! It was too late for me to back down now! So I wrote the letter as soon as I got home! A letter that had been in my mind for years telling everything about myself and hinting at what I was looking for in a man The rest was to come if and when somebody answered my letter! Letter writing. The next few days dragged by with leaden feet and after a while I forgot completely about my letter Well, not completely! But then Hey look what I found in your mail box a letter for you and with a New York address! Miracles, will they never cease!

LIZA:

SOUND EFFECT: NARRATOR:

ADVERTISEMENT:

NARRATOR:

SETH:

LIZA:

NARRATOR:

SOUND EFFECT: NARRATOR:

SETH:

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LIZA:

Never mind your wise cracks, smarty Just give me my letter! Now well see who lives in a dream world! Even though it hurt, I waited until just before going to sleep before reading the letter This was a secret that I would share with no one! Opening the letter. Tom Hamilton age 29 architect and heres his picture tall dark handsome This is too good to be true! I cant believe it I must still be in my dream world Hes everything I ever wanted After that my correspondence with Tom Hamilton continued hot and heavy! And each letter from him convinced me even further that this was exactly the man that I had envisioned in my mind! And oh, how I let Seth know it Of course he saw all the mail that passed between us. And if it bothered him he never said a word! Opening a letter. Of course I didnt completely ignore Seth How could I? And one night he arrived to take me to the annual county dance What happened to your pig tails, Liza? look like something out of a dream! You

NARRATOR:

SOUND EFFECT: LIZA:

NARRATOR:

SOUND EFFECT: NARRATOR:

SETH: LIZA: NARRATOR:

Oh dont be ridiculous, Seth Just a little something I did with my hair! Somehow I didnt even seem to notice Seth at the foot of the stairs It was Tom Hamilton who was waiting for me! Why Tom, I didnt expect you so early! You didnt think I could stay away from you longer than is necessary, did you Only a fool would do that! But my dream was short-lived for a county square dance is hardly conducive to the romantic atmosphere I had built up Square dance. Okay ladies and gents grab your partners and away well go!

LIZA: TOM:

NARRATOR:

SOUND EFFECT: DANCE CALLER:

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SETH: LIZA:

Hurry up honey! start!

The first dance is about to

Oh Seth, at least you could be more sophisticated than that! Dont you have some polish about you? Now swing your partners round about ladies in and gents out! Cmon Liza. bored! Get into the swing of it You act This is so so infantile!

DANCE CALLER: SETH: LIZA: NARRATOR:

Well, I am bored!

That was the trouble with Seth no polish! Not like Tom Hamilton anyway It wouldnt have been a country square dance with him! Waltzing in a ballroom. Dancing with you is like dancing with an angel! I never want to let you out of my arms. And I never want to leave them Hold me tight, Tom! Finally came a break in the dance and Seth took me outside! It was obvious that he had something on his mind something he had to tell me The country at night. Yes, Seth, what is it? Well, Liza you know how I feel about you or you should! What I want to say what Im trying to say Oh nuts, I cant say it! All I can do is this! And once again I was in Seths arms, yielding to his lips against mine! Once again I tried to resist but couldnt Once again I wanted his kisses more more more! Love making. Not a word was said when Seth took me home! But the words were forming in my heart ... for when he had been kissing me I had been dreaming that it was Tom Hamilton! It had been his arms about me ... his lips against mine! It wasn't just a dream ... I know it! That's why I had to write

SOUND EFFECT: TOM: LIZA: NARRATOR:

SOUND EFFECT: LIZA: SETH:

NARRATOR:

SOUND EFFECT: NARRATOR:

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him another letter! A letter that I had been wanting to write from the very beginning of our paper romance! SOUND EFFECT: NARRATOR: Letter writing. For this was a letter that hinted of my love for him! Oh, I didn't come right out and say so ... but he was clever enough to read between the lines ... That's where he would find my love ... And ... so ... will ... close ... now ... dear ... Tom ... eagerly ... awaiting ... your ... answer ... ever yours ... Liza! I waited weeks for his next letter ... and there were times when I gave up hoping ... Perhaps I had been too forward ... Perhaps he had another girl! A thousand possible reasons ran through my mind ... and then came that day of days when Seth brought me this answer ... My letter! You have my letter!

LIZA:

NARRATOR:

LIZA: SETH:

Yes, Liza ... I think it is the one you've been waiting for! But before you read it can I say something ... something I've been wanting to say for years! And once again Seth started to tell me what was in his heart ... Oh darn it ... Why is it I can't get the words out . . . I've been rehearsing all day! Go ahead, Seth ... What is it you wanted to tell me? I waited eagerly for him to say the words ... words that I had been longing to hear ... wanting him to say them as I knew Tom Hamilton could say them ... with polish ... finesse ... romance ... say them, Seth ... SAY THEM! Please go on, Seth! Well ... it's about you and me ... about us ... We've been going together for a long time and I always thought ... I always hoped ... I always imagined ... Oh you know what I'm trying to say! Come here ... And then the words stopped ... and his kisses were speaking for him! Kisses of desire ... of longing ... and I yielded! Our bodies strained

NARRATOR: SETH: LIZA: NARRATOR:

LIZA: SETH:

NARRATOR:

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against each other as consumed us! And for was forgotten ... but for once again it was me and not Seth! SOUND EFFECT: NARRATOR: Love making.

I tore myself out of his embrace and raced into the house before his love and desire consumed me! And then I remembered the letter ... Tom Hamilton's letter! The one answering me! Letter opening. He's coming to see me ... tomorrow on the noon train! He'll be wearing a white carnation! Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I'll see him tomorrow! That means he must love me! Else why would he come all this way out here just to see me ... That's the only reason! There was little sleep for me that night. How could I sleep when visions of a tall, dark handsome stranger wearing a white carnation were spinning through my mind? A tall, dark handsome stranger who loved me ... who would sweep me off my feet and make my world of dreams come true! The time passed so slowly the next day but finally it was noon! I raced to the station to wait for the train and also found Seth there! I was glad of that ... for I wanted him to see a real man. Oh hello Seth. What are you doing here?

SOUND EFFECT: LIZA:

NARRATOR:

LIZA: SETH: SOUND EFFECT: NARRATOR:

Same thing you are, I guess ... waiting for this new fella of yours! Train arrival. Finally the train arrived! Eagerly I watched the passengers get off ... and my heart dropped ... for there was no Tom Hamilton! In distress I turned to Seth! Train departure. Oh Seth, he didn't show up ... He was ... Seth! You're wearing a white carnation! That's right, honey. Gasp. I'm your Tom Hamilton!

SOUND EFFECT: LIZA: SETH: SOUND EFFECT:

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SETH:

I opened that first letter you wrote and rather than see you hurt by some stranger I pretended that I was Tom Hamilton! I had a friend in New York mail the letters for me! But why, Seth ... why? If you can write letters like that why couldn't you tell me those things? I always imagined you as a hick ... but your letters sounded like the man I had always dreamed about! And then suddenly I was in his arms ... where I belonged! I could always write the things I felt ... but I could never say them to you ... even though I felt them! And you know how I felt them! Yes Seth. I know how you felt them! For I felt them too ... only I was too stupid to realize ... The only time I did was when you did! This! And then he was in my arms ... and my lips were against his ... and that's where they belonged! Love making. And now I know what love really is ... It's something you feel in your heart, not on paper!

LIZA:

NARRATOR: SETH:

LIZA:

NARRATOR: SOUND EFFECT: NARRATOR: THE END.

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ADVERTISEMENT #2: PITCHMAN:

JET ROCKET SPACE SHIP Jet Rocket

The most sensational toy in America! Space Ship! Its gigantic! Yes, Timmy. Almost 6 feet long.

TIMMY: PITCHMAN: BOBBY: PITCHMAN:

The control levers work! Thats right, Bobby! Play with those levers all you like! It is for you! A real streamlined space ship big enough for you and Timmy. On trips through space? Sure. Its complete with all the newest scientific advances of flights of the future. Theres no more make-believe, no more pretending with small models. This is really it! Can I play, too? Sure thing, Cindy. Even futuristic spacemen need clean laundry and home cooked meals! Yay! Alright, Bobby. You are the captain of your own sleek, streamlined beauty! Yeah! Im giving the orders! Lieutenant Timmy: check radar antenna screen for all clear. All clear! Test all radio instruments and equipment. Ill close the hinged cockpit cover and check my star map of space. Cindy, a cup of coffee when you get the chance. Aye aye, Captain Bobby! All jet and rocket flying equipment in action, Captain Bobby! Blast off!

TIMMY: PITCHMAN:

CINDY: PITCHMAN:

CINDY: PITCHMAN:

BOBBY:

TIMMY: BOBBY:

CINDY: TIMMY:

BOBBY:

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PITCHMAN:

You set your course, steering with the directional jets at the stern, which are controlled by separate throttles at your fingertips. Your forward disintegrator gun goes into action! Your fully equipped radar instrument panel shows the target. You release your load of powerful nuclear bombs and bullseye! You return home victoriously, set your reversing mechanism and youre in for a quick landing! Wow, Timmy! Just think of all the wonderful things we can do in our sensational new space ship! It will bring us more fun and adventure than weve ever known! And it was easy to assemble from sturdy interlocking fiberboard panels! Yes, the Jet Rocket Space Ship has everything you need for an afternoon of thrilling excitement and adventure! But wheres the coffee pot? Sorry, Cindy. I guess youll just have to go back to playing tea party with your doll! Cruel, misogynistic laughter. Dont delay! Order now! Honor House Products Corporation, Department S-P seventy-six, thirtyfive Wilbur Street, Lynbrook, New York. You will be thrilled as never before with the Jet Rocket Space Ship!

BOBBY:

TIMMY:

BOBBY:

PITCHMAN:

CINDY: PITCHMAN:

SOUND EFFECT: PITCHMAN:

THE END.

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LETTERS PAGE THE OLD CARETAKER: This old graveyard can be mighty lonely at times. If it werent for my good friend the postal carrier, I might die of boredom most likely by my own hand! Your letters and cards keep me from having any unfortunate accidents. Lets see what some of you have to say, here in the Dead Letter Office ... Dear Old Caretaker. Settle a bet for me. My friend Fred says comic books cause violent behavior in children. I think hes full of cabbage. Best regards, Sigmund. Youre both half right. Cabbage causes violence in children. Dont believe me? forcing one to eat cabbage!

LETTER 1:

THE OLD CARETAKER:

Try

LETTER 2:

Dear Old Caretaker. I dont understand why Lil Augie had a handkerchief covered in perfume. Also, how could Liza not know Seth was posing as Tom? Color me confused, Beth. Youre confused! How did we receive a letter about todays stories so soon!? Dear Dead Letter Office. any horror stories soon? Yes we will! Will you be telling

THE OLD CARETAKER:

LETTER 3:

THE OLD CARETAKER: LETTER 4:

Next week in fact!

Dear Old Caretaker. It seems to me that the stories in the Graveyard are full of stereotypes and obsolete notions of social norms. Offended in Berkeley, Jamie. Spoken like a true Commie! Dear Dead Letter Office. Are you for real?

THE OLD CARETAKER: LETTER 5: THE OLD CARETAKER:

Yes I am, but these letters are not! (to the audience) Friends, if you would like to have your letters delivered to the Dead Letter Office, send them to me at pulp@theatreunleashed.com. All emails become property of Theatre Unleashed Inc. So send me your letters ... Im dying to read them!

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CONCLUSION THE OLD CARETAKER: Well, friends, its time for this old caretaker to shoo you out of the pulp graveyard and lock up the gates for the night. Not to keep people out, mind you, but to keep the living undead in! There are many more animated corpses of stories past coming to the surface. I hope youll come back my way next week for a tale of vampires and murder titled Blood Thirst! And a Western yarn high on adventure and intrigue, titled Desert Raiders! Plus more advertisements and, of course, your letters. Until next time, this is the Old Caretaker saying ... youll never know what youll find in the pulp graveyard ... or what may find you!