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Satprem Mother Agenda Vol 03

Satprem Mother Agenda Vol 03

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Published by: ArcanaArcanorum on Jan 08, 2012
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11/07/2012

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Mother's AgendaVol. 3Institut de Recherches Evolutives142 blvd du MontparnasseF-75014 Paris
January 9, 1962
(Mother has been unwell the past few days and is receiving almost no one.)
 Are you better?
I think so!
(Mother laughs)
I don't know.It's strange, these attacks ... bizarre; they seem to have nothing to do with mystate of health.It's a sort of ... decentralization. You see, to form a body all the cells areconcentrated by a kind of centripetal force that binds them together. Well, now it's just the opposite! A kind of centrifugal force seems to be dispersing them. When itgets a bit too much I go out of my body; outwardly I seem to faint – but I don'tfaint, I remain fully conscious. So obviously this creates a sort of ... bizarredisorganization.And there's a strange thing about it, which so far I haven't figured out: italways happens (it has already happened three times, and that's a lot for me) whenX
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 comes, the night before he arrives.
Yes.
Ah! It doesn't surprise you either?
 No, I have noticed that his arrival triggers something off.
Someone happened to be there last time so I didn't fall and hurt myself. Butthis time I was alone in my bathroom and ... actually I was going through a phenomenon of consciousness in which I was spreading over the world – spreading PHYSICALLY, that's the strange thing! The sensation is in the CELLS.There was a movement of diffusion in me, becoming more and more rapid andintense, and then suddenly I found myself on the floor.There's a seat in my bathroom upstairs, and between the seat and the wall aretwo small tables (not tables, but small stools where a few things are kept), and a porcelain towel bar (luckily, everything has rounded corners). I found myself wedged in between the seat and the two small tables (a space about this wide!).And all that matter – the material substance of the table and the objects on thetable and the porcelain seat – it all seemed so unreceptive! It doesn't give way like
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it should for things to be comfortable; but it wasn't that my body wasuncomfortable – there was no body! The whole set-up was bizarre, everything wasin a bizarre and absurd situation which I couldn't really understand, couldn't makeout: "What's this big lump doing here," I seemed to be wondering, "taking up somuch room, getting in the way?"My elbow had ended up leaning on a little plastic tray I have there, where Ikeep pencils, ball-point pens, note pads and so forth. The body was leaning on thistray, evidently trying to get up, and the whole thing started cracking noisily under the weight. And in a diffuse but very clear consciousness I was saying to myself,"But why? What's all this ridiculous noise? And what's this heavy thing doing?What disorder.... There shouldn't be such disorder." And it went on crack-crack-cracking. Then suddenly normal consciousness returned to be exact, whatreturned was the normal RELATIONSHIP consciousness has with things – and Isaid, "Well, really! What a ridiculous situation! What is this elbow doing on thattray? It should realize it's breaking it!" And when things were all completely back to normal I told my body, "What are you doing, you idiot! Come on, pick yourself up, get moving! " Immediately, docile as a little child, it extricated itself, turnedaround, and stood up straight – quite straight. I had scratched my knee, scratchedmy elbow, and taken three knocks on the head. Luckily there were no sharp edges – it was all hard enough, but no sharp edges. Anyway, in the end I was all right,no damage done. No damage at all, but it was a bizarre sensation. So I tried to understand how itcould have happened, how I could have so lost my sense of relation to things....For a long time my body had been telling me, "I've got to lie down, I've got to liedown." And I would very sternly reply, "You don't have time!"
(Laughing)
Sothen this happened. Had I obeyed it and laid down, there would obviously have been no problem. But I was in my experience, going on with my experience, andat the same time I was getting ready to come downstairs. So I told my body, "It'sall right, it's all right, you'll lie down later." But it had its own way of lying down!
(Laughing)
It just stretched out right where it was. Actually it wasn't evenstretched out – it was all askew.Afterwards, I looked into it a bit. "What's wrong with you, anyway?" I said. "If you don't have the strength to bear experiences you won't be able to do the work!"My body answered me very clearly that I was overworking it; and Sri Aurobindo'swill was clearly behind it, saying, "It's overwork. You can't keep on seeing peopleand talking for hours on end and then going into these kinds of experiences. Youcan't do both, you have to choose, or at least strike a better balance." Well, Icertainly wasn't going to stop my experiences, so I took advantage of this littleincident to get some rest. It was nothing, really! The doctors were saying, "Takecare, the heart isn't working properly," and all that. They wanted to start druggingme! All I need is peace and quiet, not drugs. So I took a rest – and since I had tohave an excuse, I said I wasn't well and needed rest.But following that, and because of the overwork, an old thing I thought I hadcured has come back. It was originally brought on by overwork when I was goingto the Playground and resting only two hours out of twenty-four, which wasn't
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enough – a sort of ulcer formed between my nose and throat. It's an old complaint,dating from the removal of adenoids in my childhood; the operation left a kind of small cavity, which was nothing in itself, except that occasionally it would giveme a cold. But as a result of overwork it came back in the form of an ulcer, andgave me artificial colds; it was so sour and corrosive, a terrible irritation in thethroat and nose. It got much worse when I was giving classes at the Playground,and once I showed it to the doctor. "Why, you have an ulcer!" he said. A big fuss.He offered to treat me. "No thanks!" I said. "Don't worry, it will pass." And I began my own yogic treatment. It was over in a week and for three years therewas no further sign of it. Recently (the last two or three months) I had felt it tryingto come back, for exactly the same reason of overwork. And with that littleadventure the other day, it did come back – it gave me one of those stupid colds:sneezing, coughing. It's not quite over yet. But it's nothing, it just gives me anexcuse
(laughing)
to tell people I am still not quite well!I am resting.It's a difficult problem to resolve, because at no price do I want to stop thediscipline (the
tapasya,
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to be precise). I don't want to stop. And both thingstogether are clearly too much for a stupid little body – stupid mainly because itlives in tension.These past few days I've had some interesting experiences from thisstandpoint. I had what is commonly called fever, but it wasn't fever – it was aresurfacing from the subconscient of all the struggles, all the tensions this bodyhas had for ... what will soon be eighty-three years. I went through a period in mylife when the tension was tremendous, because it was psychological and vital aswell as physical: a perpetual struggle against adverse forces; and during my stay inJapan, particularly ... oh, it was terrible! So at night, everything that had been partof that life in Japan – people, things, movements, circumstances – all of it seemedto be surrounding my body in the form of vital
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vibrations, and to be taking the place of my present state, which had completely vanished. For hours during thenight, the body was reliving all the terrible tensions it had during those four yearsin Japan. And I realized how much (because at the time you pay no attention; theconsciousness is busy with something else and not concentrated on the body), howmuch the body resists and is tense. And just as I was realizing this, I had acommunication with Sri Aurobindo: "But you're keeping it up!" he told me. "Your body still has the habit of being tense." (It's much less now, of course; it'squite different since the inner consciousness is in perfect peace, but the BODYkeeps the habit of being tense.) For instance, in the short interval between the timeI get up and the time I come down to the balcony,
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when I am getting ready (Ihave to get this body ready to come down) ... well, the body is tense about beingready in time. And that's why accidents happen at that moment. So the followingmorning I said, "All right, no more tension," and I was exclusively concerned withkeeping my body perfectly tranquil – I was no later than usual! So it's obviously just one of the body's bad habits. Everything went off the same as usual, and sincethen things are better. But it's a nasty habit.And so I looked. "Is it something particular to this body?" I wondered. To
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